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Sabrina kept her fist clenched tightly over her mouth until the coughing fit passed. Only once she was no longer gasping for breath, and the tingling in her limbs subsided, did she open her hand to reveal… nothing this time; a reprieve. She heaved a wheezing sigh, resettling the afghan over her shoulders before fixing the desklamp she had knocked askew in her throes.
It cast a small yellowish halo into her darkened room, highlighting little more than the scrapbook she had set before her. Some people had photo albums. Sabrina had this, and likely she wouldn’t even have this much longer. That’s why she was here now, to look through it one more time, in case the final bloom came suddenly.
She opened the book to the first page, and there pressed carefully under plastic against a white backing was a single petal. Sabrina ran her finger over the line of it, the color had faded in the intervening years, but in her mind it was still vibrant. It was a Rose petal, mostly pink with slender fingers of red reaching out timidly from the base, as if seeking light for the first time. Sabrina’s feverish mind was all too eager to take her back to that time, a better time.
Chloé had been jumping from foot to foot when Jean showed Sabrina into her suite. As always, Chloé was dressed in the finest fashion the world had to offer, and bedecked with makeup enough to turn her into a miniature adult, rather than the nine year old child she was.
Instantly her friend dashed to the foyer table and pulled down a package, “It took you long enough to get here! Look look, it’s from Mommy!”
Sabrina tried to give the package Chloé held a curious once over. She barely got to look before Chloé dashed away to her room. Sabrina waited, that’s what she was supposed to do. Jean had already left, so Sabrina had a moment of real worry that Chloé might forget about her and she would be stuck in the foyer all night.
“Chloé?” she ventured.
Chloé came running back, package and scissors in hand. She missed the bottom step and nearly crashed headlong into the floor. Sabrina grabbed her scissor-hand and Chloé curled her whole body around the package as she fell, turning a dive into a tumble. Sabrina fell to her knees beside Chloé, heart still in her throat.
Her friend sat up instantly, the near-miss utterly ignored with her usual bravado, “It came today. You are the worst for not getting here sooner!”
She took the scissors from Sabrina’s hand and went to work inexpertly attacking the packing tape. Sabrina took the moment to read the label properly this time. ‘From the Offices of Style Queen Enterprises. Thank you for your continued patronage.’ A seed of fear sprouted in Sabrina’s analytical mind.
It germinated when Chloé finally got the box open. Chloe yanked sheets of excessive decorative tissue packing out by the handful before producing a bottle of wine. She held it up and shot Sabrina a confused look. Sabrina could only give her a fragile smile. How could you even begin to explain what it was to someone who wanted to believe so badly?
Chloé’s brows knitted in her thinking face, and a little spark lit itself in Sabrina’s chest. Chloé brightened, “Mommy must think I’m so mature, I can have a whole bottle all to myself now, just like daddy at dinner.”
She set the bottle down with a confident nod, and Sabrina knew that flimsy excuse was reality for her friend now. More things came out from the box, each with their own explanation.
A fitted polo, size large: It’s a nightshirt!
An expensive wristwatch, men’s: Oh, this must be for daddy. She had to get him something after all.
Front row tickets to a fashion show in Paris that Andre would never send Chloé to: Oh, mommy just wants to show how much she cares. Those are places no one else can sit, because it’s my spot, even if I don’t go.
Catalogs of current and upcoming lines: She just wants me to remember how hard she’s always working…
Each justification took longer. Sabrina was biting her lip, hoping it would end before her friend’s fragile truth cracked. The ‘gifts’ were in a pile beside Chloé. already forgotten, as she pulled more paper from the box, searching frantically for any remaining surprises.
She came up triumphant with a small box of chocolates, only four in all. It was a foreign brand Sabrina didn’t know, but she guessed it was very expensive. Sabrina let out a nervous giggle from relief. Chocolate was something that didn’t need an excuse. Chocolate could have any meaning Chloé wanted it to.
Chloé broke the seal on the treats and revealed each individually shaped confection, “Aha, see? You can tell they’re exceptional, because there are so few of them.”
Sabrina scooted closer, curious about the flavors, but she also knew what would cheer her friend up. “You should eat them, all of them, right now.”
Chloé seemed to come out of a daze, as if she had forgotten Sabrina was really here, and had simply been talking aloud to herself. Sabrina was used to that, too. What she wasn’t used to was the long stare Chloé gave her in reply.
Sabrina ducked her head, trying to figure out what she might have done wrong. “I mean, if you want to…”
A smirk curled on her friend’s lips, one Sabrina had seen her practicing in mirrors. “Oh, they’ll get eaten alright. We are going to eat each and every one.”
Sabrina watched, dumbstruck, as Chloé’s perfect manicure pulled out one of the chocolates and struggled against it before finally breaking the truffle into messy uneven halves. That spark turned into a searing heat in her chest. Sabrina felt the prickle of sweat at her hairline, and her mouth went dry as those sapphire blue eyes watched her expectantly over the smushy treat.
Too much would come tumbling out, things she wasn’t supposed to be thinking of yet. Sabrina stuffed the half-truffle into her mouth to keep the words down. Silently, Chloé went to work breaking the next. They ate without talking, and things returned to normal. The fire burned but Sabrina kept her lips resolutely shut. Starved for oxygen, the flames ebbed. The only thing she told Chloé that evening had been ‘Good night.’
She’d gone home, and had her first coughing fit while brushing her teeth. There, pink amidst the green toothpaste in the sink, sat this single petal.
Sabrina turned the next few pages, each of them holding their own individual petals. Each petal having its own tale of feelings she hadn’t understood, but had been taught to fear. Flipping through each the slow progression of the pinks into reds told the tales of three years of her life.
Chloé had changed in those years, and Sabrina could honestly admit now, not for the better. It had been gradual at the time. Hours spent in front of a mirror had honed Chloé's expressions into a mirror of her absent mother's. Quotes and ideas stolen from magazine clippings shaped the inside to match the outside. Chloé began to practice her own brand of cruelty, using her father's power much as he had himself, to push people around when all else failed.
Through it all though, she was still Sabrina's friend. When Chloé's public persona leaked into personal life she could be every bit aloof and dismissive, but she would come back later to apologize, at first with words, then later with gifts when she didn't remember how to say the words anymore.
Sabrina turned pages to whole flowers now, still roses. She mentally teased herself for her lack of imagination while moments drifted up from each one.
Her father couldn't make parent's day at school because of an important meeting as Police Chief. Sabrina hadn't cried, she'd stood stoically off to the side. It's only one day , she told herself.
Then Chloé was screaming at her father the Mayor, it wasn't always easy to follow why. Sabrina scooted over to see if she could help but Chloé clammed up at her approach. She jabbed her father in the stomach with a painted nail and the Mayor fled, pulling out his phone.
Sabrina's father had shown up minutes later. Demoted for the day to beat cop, he had no business attending high level meetings, and spent the rest of the day with her, losing horribly at all the fun games. Chloé never said a word about it, but Sabrina caught her looking now and then. Those looks had combined to give birth to a tricolor rose, with eddies of yellow and pink among the red.
Sabrina turned page after page.
This one was the time someone had made fun of her glasses. Chloé had traded her for the whole day, they both bumped into things a lot, but seeing Chloé stare down the other girl and dare them to make fun of glasses had produced a red rose with only hints of pink.
It had gotten easier to think about her feelings, to admit them to herself, but she was still scared to voice them. What would Chloé think? What would she say? Her dad was a pushover, but he was super worried about his image too. It was the one thing that made him put his foot down. Chloé's mom was a distant worry, but also not. Ever more what Audrey thought, Chloé thought. Not knowing the answers sealed Sabrina's lips to all but a steady stream of blossoms.
Sabrina turned the page to the single largest flower in the the book. Bloom, stem, extra petals. Coughing it up had her in tears. The thorns left her tasting blood for a week.
There was a time when Sabrina thought it might stop. The meanness had peaked, Chloé became distant, and Sabrina very nearly left. Then Chloé was there, standing in a Ladybug costume and holding a Cat Noir costume in her arms. A Cat Noir costume for Sabrina .
Everyone knew what Cat Noir and Ladybug were. Sabrina's hands had trembled when she took it. Her lovesick mind had raced. Does this mean- Is she saying?
Sabrina had worn the costume and felt happier than she knew possible. They chased Jean, fought imaginary criminals, drank chocolate on the rooftop, and fell asleep on each other while 'monitoring for Hawkmoth' (watching TV).
The flower had convinced Sabrina to come clean. There was no doubt in her mind, and she couldn't keep this up any longer. The morning she chose for confessing though, Chloé was all aflutter with the latest news of Ladybug. She had videos to share, and watching Chloé watch the screen, Sabrina saw the look she had longed to receive herself.
Sabrina went home, envied Ladybug, and coughed up another flower.
She'd thrown that one away in a pique. There was a blank page where it should have been in her book. Page, page, Sabrina reached one with a glorious scattering of petals rather than a bloom. There were colors, every color, but oranges and purples stood out strongly. Even now, she blushed, and her fingers traced her own full pink lip print preserved in lipgloss between two sheets of plastic.
"It's, you know, whatever, right? I'm just saying that everyone is doing it now, and I don't want to be the only loser who doesn't know how to play."
Chloé held the tablet awkwardly, bright colors and dashing characters surrounded the title screen on it, 'Super Penguino!!!' with three exclamation points.
Sabrina swallowed to coat her suddenly dry mouth, "You want to play… with me?"
Chloé looked away with a toss of her head. Her reply was dripping with her usual affect, "Practice, Sabrina. We should practice, both of us. You don't want to be lame either, do you?"
YES! Sabrina screamed, but only on the inside. To Chloé she simply said"I- I- If that's what you want."
"Right, good. Well let's get to it. No time like the present," Chloé's words ran together, but as she pushed and handled Sabrina to the couch it left no time for consideration.
Her friend scooted in close, right up against Sabrina. Chloé's scent of cosmetics and perfume was always heady, this close it was overwhelming, or maybe that was the warmth of her hip against Sabrina's. They each held one side of the tablet, the game had a little thumb sensor circle so both players had to give up one hand to play. Each was only one half of the whole. Leaned in over the screen Sabrina felt Chloé's ponytail bump her bob with a careless movement. her glasses bumped the other girl's forelock in turn.
They began.
It was awkward at first. Chloé wanted to control everything, unsurprisingly. 'Too fast.' 'Too slow.' 'What were you thinking, putting your hand there?' 'Don't squirm so much.'
Yet she kept at it, with a determination Sabrina had last seen pulling apart four little chocolates. Sabrina squirmed, trying to keep her heart in check. More than tomorrow's sunrise, she didn't want to be the one to screw this up. Eventually they figured it out. There was a natural rhythm if you just let yourself relax.
They made it to the next level.
Triumphant music played, blue and white light from the screen washed one bronzed cheek as Chloé slowly turned her head. Turn- pause. Turn- pause, back. Turn-
The music faded before the beat of Sabrina's own heart. She turned too, averting her eyes while trying to remember the names of every saint she could pray to. A quick glance back to be in line, then away. A little further. Glance again, catching those sapphire eyes shooting away while the gap became smaller. Sabrina couldn't hold the tablet steady, but she didn't dare let go.
Gloss met gloss. The taste was familiar, she'd copied Chloé's brand long ago. The pliant warmth behind it was a wholly new experience beyond even her more ardent daydreams. It lingered, neither one seeming to know how to disengage. They did drift apart though, and her friend’s eyes were, her breath in light pants. Here was the moment. Sabrina felt it in her chest, all she had to do was say it.
She lingered just a second too long, the mask slipped back into place across Chloé’s expression. Game over. Chloé raised an eyebrow, turning a tender moment into an act. “Another round?”
It wasn’t the only time they practiced. It was the only time Sabrina ever came close to being able to say what she felt though. She was too afraid now, too afraid to lose these little moments. In the end, she lost them anyway. Emotion bottled up too long blurted out foolishly in front of the whole class, as they comforted Nino and Alya. ‘You know, sometimes even Chloé and I-’
Chloé’s reaction should have been expected. Sabrina wondered how she could have been so foolish, even as she traced the dried petals with a fingertip. Her lips were softer. Chloé had never been one to share emotions easily, too much risk in being hurt. Sabrina could sympathize. It had meant an end to practice though, and a further retreat.
Then came Miraculer, she’d let her emotions get the better of her, but Chloé had helped in the end. Next was Miracle Queen, Chloé had let her emotions get the better of her, and Sabrina was powerless to help. Audrey, Zoé, Vesperia, Lila, it all piled up. The colors became muddled, the stems grew thorns again, the thorns grew dark and hard.
Sabrina had tried to turn away again, in New York. A boy there liked her, and he was fun to talk to, but Sabrina’s eyes kept wandering back to the fire escape, hoping a head of gold might pop over the side, onto the roof. It never did. Sabrina kept in touch with the boy for a little bit, but his sweet letters, tinged as they were with feelings Sabrina knew all too well, never produced flowers of their own. In the end, she felt like she was being dishonest with him, and let the friendship lapse. She slipped the one letter she’s kept, her last, from the pages of the book and opened it. Delmar , that was his name.
The girl Sabrina had grown up with was nearly gone at that point, vanished under a pile of anger and resentment. Lila made everything worse, but she was too strong. Sabrina never knew the right words, the way to remind Chloé of what she was before she had become what she desperately believed her mother would love.
In the present Sabrina adjusted the afghan again and sipped hot tea with honey. It helped soothe her throat these days. She left red marks on the lip of the cup, then pressed a tissue to her lips until she’d caught the errant drops of blood. She was avoiding the next page.
It was still there when she finally gave in. A single chrysanthemum among the roses. It had been the catalyst, the sign she took to mean she had to end things. The scheduling ploy was an excuse. It was a joke of a plot itself, petty, pointless, and cruel. With it, she had an excuse to call Marinette. She started the ball rolling, and when all was said and done, she was free; free, and alone.
The flowers didn’t stop.
The next page, a bud that never bloomed.
Sabrina watched the plane lifting off. She’d made it to the airport, but lost her nerve and merely stood out at the fence, watching the end of the runway. When Audrey’s private jet took to the air, Sabrina felt a part of her going with it. She’d screamed the truth into the roar of the engines, screamed when she knew no one could hear, not even herself.
She’d fallen to all fours and coughed up a long string of climbing roses, barely a hint of red in the tight green buds. She’d nearly gone right there, suffocating as she pulled the long vine hand over hand, fearing it would take all of her with it. It didn’t though, and with weak hands she plucked a single bud from the mass.
Sabrina ran her fingers over the bud again. She had never been quite sure if it was a new beginning, or a never began. She still wasn’t, though she feared it was the later. After all, there were more pages.
Sabrina had made new friends, good friends. People afraid of Chloé emerged in the wake of her absence. Zoé was sweet, and kind.
Zoé could talk for hours about anything and nothing. Her world of words were the opposite of Chloé’s silences. It helped, having too many words for thoughts sometimes, and they shared a connection through the person missing from both of their lives, for better or worse. Sabrina would visit Zoé at the hotel. Sometimes she would still make a wrong turn and end up at the door to a now empty suite.
They stood on the balcony, leaning on the rail in the balmy summer air. Sabrina’s mind had wandered over the Paris skyline while Zoé’s voice played gentle background notes. Sabrina’s name brought her back down, she shook her head and asked softly,”I’m sorry, what?”
Zoé ducked her head and smiled, “I was just saying that after everything, you’ve been really strong. It’s inspiring.”
If only you knew . Sabrina merely shrugged, “If you say so.”
Zoé brushed the pink bangs back from her eyes. “I do. I also think, you’ve really gotten, you know, more confident, and… I like that.”
Sabrina’s mind was back on the ‘everything’ that Zoé had brought up. “I’m not that confident.”
Zoé shuffled nervously. She was closer than Sabrina remembered. “Well, um- it’s more than that. I guess I’m just kind of making a mess of it but…”
Zoé had reached up, brushing back Sabrina’s bob on the side facing her. When Sabrina turned Zoé was even closer. Those soft blue eyes, sky instead of sapphires, were asking a question even as she closed the distance between them.
Sabrina felt a sharp sting in her chest. Zoé’s features seem to shift, not to what Sabrina had feared, but instead to Delmar. It was New York all over again. Sabrina stumbled back, tripped on a deck chair and sprawled.
“Oh god, I’m sorry Sabrina!” Zoé reached for her.
Sabrina scrambled, staying out of reach. She backed away quickly. She backed away from a beautiful girl who was doing what Sabrina could not. “I- I- no. I just- I gotta go.”
She’d turned and fled, bolting from the hotel, running all the way home. She’d thrown herself in the shower, burning hot. She’d tried to scald away the moment. Instead she’d heaved up a new rose. This one a red so deep it was almost black, but red still. There were thorns, but the thorns were pliant, the sting was lessened. She’d known even before she’d set eyes on it, it wasn’t for Zoé.
Time marched on. Things were awkward with Zoé now, and Sabrina knew it was her fault. Zoé didn't understand, she couldn't understand. Why? Because Sabrina wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't tell anyone. The reasons were different now, but the effect was the same. Everyone was so proud of the person she had become. With Chloé gone people felt free to vent old grievances, and they assumed she wanted to partake. How would they react, knowing how she still felt? How could she explain love for what her friends so clearly saw as evil?
More pages, and the blooms became brighter, the thorns smaller. Absence dulled the lows and enshrined the highs. Pretty little things, they were still killing her, and faster than ever. The fence she had built around her secret was becoming too obvious. Maybe no one knew exactly what , but they knew something. Each opportunity to come clean that past by was another lance through her chest, another flower in the sink.
Sabrina turned to empty pages. The future, her future, if it would even last that long. A coughing fit left her with her forehead pressed to her desk, panting, but still today's offering would not dislodge itself. It would be soon though. She always paid for the day after the sun set. One more flower revolting against being denied light.
Sabrina shifted from her desk to the window. Coughing fits came and went, her tea got lower, but still peace was denied her. Her phone's ring pulled her from daydreams built from moments that had never been.
"Hello?"
"Hi! Sabrina… how are you?"
"Marinette?"
"Yeah, um, it's me. I was just calling to check up on you."
Sabrina glanced at the back of her hand, at the flecks of red her last fit had left behind. "I'm fine, why?"
Silence, then, "I just… wanted to be sure you were okay. It's been a while I know, but it was still a big deal, and since she's back in town again…"
Thorns coiled up and grabbed the inside of her throat. Sabrina choked, coughed, and croaked out in a whisper, "She is?"
Sabrina was cold, she had left without her jacket. Her purse was stuffed with a growing collection of blood flecked tissues, but she wouldn't stop. She'd turned off her phone to keep people from reaching her, but still she was scared. She knew her friends. There was every chance they were on their way to ambush her and put a stop to this, for her own good.
Not Le Grand Paris, they hadn’t been back there since the split. Sabrina had kept tabs though, and made her way to a beautiful home hidden away in a compound in the heart of the Bastille district. The Kenzo House, once home to a giant of Fashion, and now owned by another. Sabrina had to stop to catch her breath, leaned up against the wall of the compound. Another coughing fit had her doubling over in a panic. What she had been so ready to accept was now a ticking countdown, one she had one last chance to outrun.
The world swam before her eyes as she dabbed her lips, then looking at the tissue wiped her teeth. More blood, too much blood. There had never been this much. Sabrina could feel the thorns stuck. Was that a blessing or a curse? A sign of the end, or one last chance as death held his scythe in check. Turning, she staggered to the gates; locked. Her hands shook too much to make use of her less-savory skills. Sabrina was left to lean on the buzzer, pant, and hope.
Her knees began to shake. She shifted herself off the buzzer, slumping to the wall again. She turned her eyes skyward. At one point she might have been able to climb these walls, but it was too late for that. Tilting her head too far made her light headed, colors exploded then dulled into grays and darkness. She began to slide slowly down the wall, a leaf tickled the roof of her mouth.
“Sabrina?”
A chest punch from the inside out. Sabrina’s heart beat as if it had never bothered to try before. Color exploded back into the world, then grew instantly too bright. She squinted as she raised her head, and there, still a creature of gold; Chloé.
She was thinner, sharper. Sabrina wanted to ask if she had been eating enough. One look at those thin wrists answered the question though. Eyes so sharp they should have had facets were wary and clouded with confusion. Lips that had spilled more venom than honey were still parted from that single word. She wore a silk half-robe over pajamas that looked too big on her. What happened to you?
Sabrina tried to steady herself, tried to get an explanation out a greeting, an acknowledgement, anything. Instead she lurched into the gate, gripping the iron bars and letting them cool her feverish brow. Stupid to come here, I can’t, even now. I’ll just end up making a mess. It won’t matter in the end.
She could hear Chloé’s response in her head, put together from a lifetime of experience. Which would it be: ‘What are you doing here?’ ‘Ewww, What is your damage?’ ‘Ugh, are you sick? Don’t give me your germs!’ ‘What are you doing here, traitor ?”
The touch of perfectly soft fingers covering her own through the bars. “What happened to you?”
Another beat, Sabrina’s ribs ached as if she might explode. Adrenaline had her salivating. She swallowed and couldn’t stifle a whine from the pain. The gate opened, and Sabrina staggered with her support gone. Instead of iron, her fists gripped silk. She very nearly dragged Chloé down with her. Sabrina’s neck wouldn’t obey her. She could only loll her head back and pick out the yellow and blue of her friend through swimming shapes and blurs. So close, she had been so close. This was all wrong. It would only make things worse.
That same adrenaline that was wracking her body gave her just enough morbid strength to haul herself up and grit through teeth pushed apart by vines, “I love you.”
Her grip slipped and Sabrina fell. She fell and coughed green leaves wet with red. On hands and knees she coughed, and spat around what she couldn’t stop. “Forever- loved you- long- kids- never to- sorry-"
And then her words were stolen. She heaved and shook, coughed and gagged. More and more came up. She felt warm arms around her, holding her, rocking her. She was taken back in time to falling asleep dressed as Cat Noir. Sleeping in leather, that had been uncomfortable to wake up to. She couldn’t laugh at the unbidden memory, not physically. Her oxygen starved brain laughed twice as hard for her. Pain lanced through her head that outmatched anything in throat. Darkness closed in, and the one thought Sabrina held onto amid it all was, I did it.
One last heave, and Sabrina felt what came out dragging itself up from her toes, tearing who knew how much with it. Pain beyond the ability to even feel it anymore, just the sense of things flowing from her lips until she fell.
Confusion creeped in. She was still breathing. Did people breathe in the afterlife? She hadn’t hit cold stones when she fell. She was curled on something warm. Sabrina tried opening her eyes, and was forced to try and comprehend what she saw. So much green, so many knotted vines. How had that all fit inside her? How had there been room for any of herself left in her skin? Perched atop the mass a single white lily opened its petals, untouched by the gore of its passing. The thing that drew her unfocused eyes though, was, roots. The flowers never had roots before, but this one did. Long, feathery roots that had dug in deep and held on. Now, they were gone, with all the rest.
Sabrina let out a slow and tortured, but still alive, sigh.
From outside her field of vision one manicured hand reached out to touch one of the petals on the lily with a single nail. In the wake of pain, reason creeped slowly back in. What she’d said, to who, where she was, it all tumbled back in on her. She turned her head slowly in Chloé’s lap and looked up. Dark blue eyes looked back down, unreadable.
Falling back into old habits, Sabrina mumbled, ”S-sorry.”
Chloé reply, “Can you stand?” was quiet, but neutral.
“I- maybe.” Sabrina tried to roll to her knees.
Chloé supported her, helping her up. “Then let’s get inside before the police arrive. Mommy has the buzzer set up to call them whenever someone pushes it.”
Sabrina leaned heavily on her frie- she didn’t even know anymore. She stooped once, plucking the bloom from the vines. Whatever happened next, it was proof of what she had done. Together they walked into a home out of place in Europe. Kenzo house was Japanese luxury and traditionalism blended to elegance. Sabrina would have loved to enjoy it, instead she just had to focus on her feet staying under her and trying not to drip errantly on anything.
The sound of a TV turned up too loudly came from somewhere in the four story mansion. They never got close though. Chloé ushered Sabrina into a surprisingly small room, complete with sliding rice-paper doors. Inside was shockingly sparse even for the style. A small bed, possibly even a single, tucked to one corner, A desk in the other, a single bureau with a lamp on it, and a low shelf with magazines.
Chloé deposited Sabrina in the desk chair and then backed up, sitting on the bed and picking up Mr. Cuddly- minus his diamond eyes. Once settled though, she didn’t seem to know what to do next. She watched Sabrina in silence.
Sabrina felt too weak for the moment. She knew, logically, she should be dead, but then, logically people didn’t cough up flowers either. Something felt… off? There should be more, there always was in books and movies when this happened. Sabrina felt the need to make it clear, “I meant it, you know.”
Chloé answered simply, “Yeah,” in a tone a thousand miles away.
“I just couldn’t…”
“I knew.” Chloé wasn’t looking at her, she was looking down at Mr. Cuddly. “Or, maybe I dreamed I knew. I thought about you a lot.”
Something was very off. Sabrina cast around for some clue, but there was so little to work with. Wait, that’s something itself, isn’t it? Sabrina swallowed, her once-tortured throat felt pink and new. “I uh- Is this your room?”
Chloé looked up, then around. Her hands played with Mr. Cuddly’s ears. “Yes, mommy picked it out for me.”
Sabirna tried to joke, “I thought you’d take the biggest room in the house.”
“Losers don’t get nice things.”
That didn’t make sense. “Chloé you’re not-”
“-that flower thing. You know how it works?
Sabrina wanted to change the subject back, but again, old habits. “Hanahaki? Yes, I’ve read up on all the tales and history of it. I had to, to try and survive.”
Chloé looked back at her, eyes even darker in the dim light, “Tell me what it means.”
Sabrina touched a hand to her forehead, then lifted her glasses to rub her eyes. When she finished Chloé was still staring at her with am unblinking intensity. “Well… it comes from holding your emotions in. It’s… there’s not a lot of real science behind it. It’s a magical illness. So, it can vary? There are tales of people who died very quickly from it. I… it’s been nearly ten years.”
Chloé looked back down to the bear in her lap, “Why flowers?”
“From what I read, the story goes, your emotions are a garden. You’re supposed to let them out, share them with others. If you don’t, if you bottle them up, they don’t go away, they keep growing, they fill you up until they come out the hard way. The longer it goes, the more you fill up, eventually, there’s no you left, just a husk around what could have been. The flowers are kind of like clues? Experiences maybe, ways to figure out what you are feeling, for your spirit to tell you what you need to do.”
Those blue eyes turned to the Lily in Sabrina’s lap. “And that?”
Sabrina looked down at the bloom and wracked her mind, “They can mean a lot of things. Right now? I’m hoping… rebirth, a fresh start.”
A hint of bitterness, “I thought you had that already.”
Sabrina would not let it begin this way. “There a lot of starts in life, as many as we give ourselves really. It’s hard to start. It’s scary. But it’s also, not? It shouldn’t be. Just because you start over doesn’t mean you have to throw out everything you’ve got.”
Sabrina tried to put it in terms her friend might understand. She struggled then brightened.
“You changed your look all the time, but yellow came with you through everything, right?”
All of Sabrina’s enthusiasm, all her her explanations, seemed to hit Chloé and vanish inside of her. Instead of responding directly she reached down under the skirting on her bed and pulled out a shoe box. She flicked the lid off and pulled out a clear plastic bag. She threw it to Sabrina and asked, “So, what do those mean?”
Sabrina caught the bag one handed, carefully setting her flower on the desk before opening it. What she saw through the clear sides made no sense, and what she pulled out did no better. Flowers, but wrong. Petals where leaves should be. Blossoms of thorns. Stems in Blues, reds, yellows, and all colors swirled together on a single stalk. They were beautiful and unsettling in turn. Sabrina looked up to ask a question, but the desperate look on Chloé’s face was its own answer.
Sabrina held one up. “They’re different, that’s for sure, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad . Maybe… Maybe they just know quite how to be flowers just yet. Maybe nobody told them. Maybe they’re doing the best they can without any sun.”
Chloé watched the flower in Sabrina’s hand for a long moment. “They’re mine. They were mine, a long time ago. I bet you never knew. I didn’t tell you everything, you know. I didn’t want to bother you. I was scared, and I… I pushed.”
Sabrina held them out as if they might be weapons, shaking them at her friend in earnest, “Don’t you see? You can do something about it! I did! Me! Little Sabrina. That means you can too! You just have to take that first step. I’m here, I won’t let you fall.”
No harsh denial, but no emotional refrain either. Again, Sabrina’s words seemed to hit her one-time friend and simply vanish. Instead of an answer, Chloé reached down and plucked another bag from the box. She tossed it to Sabrina too. “And those?”
Sabrina opened the bag, and a sour scent instantly assaulted her nose. She looked in and…
Chloé…
No colors, not even wrong ones. Bloomless flowers, dried and curled leaves, mold spots on wet black stems, black spots on crumbling brown. These flowers had never stood a chance. Sabrina closed the bag, then curled up around it in denial. She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut to stop tears. She shook her head harder, trying to drive this moment from reality.
Chloé took it for an answer. “That’s what I thought.”
It brought Sabrina back to her senses. She uncurled, stood up, and threw the bag across the room where it tore the paper screening. “No! No, I did it! No one knew, but I did it anyway! I don’t care! It can’t- No! I don’t care just, shout, be mad, order me around! Anything! It can’t all be for nothing. You’re still alive! You’re still alive, that means there’s a chance!”
Sabrina dove to her knees in front of Chloé she took hold of the other girl’s wrists, the thinness making a horrifying sense now. Sabrina had been bursting, her friend was rotting.
“Chloé, we can fix this. I’m not giving up!”
From somewhere in the house, “CAROLINE! KEEP IT DOWN! Children aren’t meant to be seen or heard! I’ll have to have them install soundproofing again!”
Sabrina flinched. Chloé didn’t. She just said in the same soft tone. “You’d better go. I’m glad you visited, Sabrina. I’m glad I could do something right for once, even if it was just standing there. I listened, so I suppose that’s new for me.”
Sabrina got to her feet, weakness purged, determination rising. “I am not going to give up.”
“Well, that’s one of us.”
Sabrina growled. “At least tell me. Tell me who it is! I can find them. I can make this happen. You don't need to be afraid of what happens. I'm here, you saw, I'm proof you can survive rejection!"
Chloé stood slowly in counterpoint to Sabrina's frenzy. She took Sabrina's hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. "It’s not the rejection I’m avoiding. It was good to see you Sabrina. Please go?"
Please, from Chloé, was shock enough to shake Sabrina's resolve and steal her voice. She could only nod, and let herself be led back outside. There were no police to greet them, just a dark gate and empty street. Sabrina's vine had sunk its roots in the ground beside the gate and curled its way up the wall, new buds were forming along its length and one had even opened beside the gate latch.
Seeing it unlocked Sabrina's tongue. As the gate closed behind her she warned, "I'll be back."