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Sometimes, Aaron was questioning himself on the stupidity of his decision about being a premed student and an athlete. He couldn’t remember the last time he had more than four hours of sleep, and he still was behind classes.
At least he had Katelyn, she was always so nice and understanding about his situation. She was sharing his notes with him when she noticed that Aaron was too tired to follow in some classes, encouraging him to take breaks even though Aaron was ignoring her advice most of the time. He didn’t have time for rest when he had to graduate and still be good enough at exy for his team.
He loved his major, but sometimes everything was just too much. So many classes, so many notes, so many terms to learn and he felt like every time he was trying to learn something, he was forgetting it instantly.
His exam week was soon, and he really was starting to panic.
His first exam was physiology, and his notes were a mess, he couldn’t remember going to class or even studying this course.
He wished he could lock himself in the library for a week and leave knowing everything, but half of his days were taken by practice for the championship.
He could even feel the deception and disdain in his teammates’ eyes when he was missing a ball. They all knew he was the weak spot of the team.
That was the most unfair. He was trying. He was trying so hard to balance exy and classes and somehow he was failing both. He was trying to have a better relationship with Andrew, to make his twin love him, or at least to make Andrew notice him or acknowledge him, but every day he was facing his brother’s indifference.
Asking life for one simple favor was too much, probably.
Aaron knew this week was about to be very difficult. He was already exhausted but he knew he wouldn't sleep much this week either, knowing that his classes were ending late, practice was usually starting very early and he still had to find time to study.
Everything was getting worse. These days, his few hours of sleep were plagued by nightmares, and he was waking up feeling always more anxious than the day before.
He wished he had comfort, that his brother would care about and reassure him, or at least be there for him as an anchor or something, but they were not even in the same room anymore.
Matt was nice, but he might imagine that Aaron wanted to be alone, because he was always trying to be the most discreet possible. Never making much noise, spending most of his time in Dan’s room, and always wearing earphones.
Aaron was feeling alone most of the time. Of course, he had Katelyn, but she was busy too, and Aaron did not want to annoy her with something as stupid as feeling lonely when his girlfriend probably had more important things to do.
Monday was bad. He woke up so anxious that he had to rush to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet, praying that he wouldn’t wake up Matt. He splashed some water on his face before looking at his reflection in the mirror.
He looked like a zombie: his face was even paler than usual, his dark circles looked almost like violet painting on his face, his lips were cracked and his eyes were red and sunken.
Honestly, as a pre-med student, if he’d met someone looking like that, he would probably freak out.
But Aaron did not have time to care about his looks. Once his stomach was settled enough, he made the blackest coffee possible and immediately went back to his physiology notes.
When Matt woke up a few hours later, Aaron noticed that the sky was lighter, and he closed his notebook to get ready for morning practice.
It should take him a few minutes to collect his gear and get ready, but he was so tired that he was swaying on his feet and his vision was mostly blurry.
Finally, he was able to leave on time to meet the Monsters in front of the Maserati. As always, Andrew did not even look at him, and Aaron tried to ignore the tightness in his chest. He should be used to it, after all.
Nicky looked worried, and he pressed Aaron’s shoulder while mouthing a small “Are you alright?”, but Aaron just nodded in response and took his usual seat in the car. He pressed his head against the window, letting the cold relieve his headache, and closed his eyes.
He might have dozed off for a minute because Nicky woke him up once they were in front of the court.
Andrew’s eyes met his for a second, but Aaron ignored him, too tired to try once again to make up for whatever he did that made Andrew hate him.
The practice was dramatic and he was even worse than usual. He didn’t even wait for the others to leave the court with the Maserati and decided that he would go to class directly.
His classes were harder to follow than usual, he couldn’t understand a single thing and was ready to cry when he realized he was also supposed to learn all of that for the exam week.
Evening practice had him shaky and he remembered that he did not eat at all today.
He decided to pick up a granola bar from Abby’s stash before heading to the library.
He studied for hours but felt like he was not remembering anything when he finally left to go back to his dorm.
It was already dark outside, and way past midnight when he entered his room. He took a quick shower, ignored his look in the mirror, made a quick avocado toast, and then opened his laptop to practice quizzes. Matt was already sleeping peacefully, and even thinking about that made Aaron yawn every few minutes.
He finally decided to try and sleep a bit when his bloodshot eyes read the microwave clock: “3:30 am”. They had to wake up at 5 am for practice. He sighed and shut down his laptop.
On Tuesday, he woke up once again after what felt like just a few minutes of sleep to throw up from anxiety in the bathroom. He wanted to go back to sleep so badly, but he could read “4:40 am” on his phone and decided to study for fifteen minutes before getting ready for practice.
The whole day was like a dream, or more like a nightmare. He got yelled at during practice, almost fell asleep during classes, and threw up once again in the library’s bathroom when he remembered that he still didn’t understand half of his physiology notes and the exam was getting closer.
He went back to his dorm at 1:00 am and decided to pull an all-nighter to catch up with his classes. He tried to eat a bit, chewing some granola bars during the night, but the stress was making his stomach turn at the thought of food.
When Wednesday morning arrived, he knew this day would not go well. Wednesday was usually a chill day, as he didn’t have class after midday, but he had his weekly appointment with Bee and Andrew, and then afternoon practice.
He didn’t want to talk to Andrew, nor to Bee. Yesterday, while Aaron was struggling to breathe between two exercises in practice, Andrew was too busy flirting-fighting with his boyfriends to care about his twin. He even raised a mocking eyebrow when Wymack yelled at Aaron for being “the worst backline he’d seen in years.”
Aaron was exhausted, he was feeling sick and shaky and he just wanted to finish his exams and be able to sleep.
He didn’t even try to be good at morning practice, letting the others yell at him while he was trying to stay awake and make it through the day. He didn’t listen to a single thing in class, his brain too fuzzy to learn new information, and he grabbed a granola bar before heading to Bee’s office.
Bee tried to make him talk, tried to let the twins have a conversation, but Aaron was too damn direct for this. He did not talk during the whole appointment, trying to stay awake and to listen to Andrew and Bee, but his ears were full of cotton and he couldn’t understand anything.
He could see that Andrew was pissed off. And he knew that this would be just another reason for Andrew to ignore him, but he just couldn’t think.
Bee told him that he looked tired, but he dismissed his concern, pretending to listen to whatever Andrew was complaining about.
When they left Bee’s office to join afternoon practice, Andrew was clearly furious at him. He still had that bored look he always had, but Aaron could see the fury in his eyes.
Andrew was not happy sharing his appointments with his brother, and seeing Aaron’s indifference during the session was enough to make him lose his temper.
They didn’t speak the whole way to court, and when they arrived in the longue where Womack was usually debriefing before their practice, Aaron dropped quickly on the side of the couch to try and rest his eyes for a minute getting ready for their inevitable practice.
He was feeling dizzy, he couldn’t remember the last time he had a real meal, but he also knew he probably would not be able to keep it down.
He didn’t even know how he would manage to stay conscious during practice, and worst to stay standing.
Andrew had joined his boyfriends on the couch too, tenderly pressing Kevin’s left hand and flicking one of Neil’s messy curls before sitting next to the taller man.
Wymack was speaking… maybe. But Aaron couldn’t understand anything and was just praying that it was random basic things and not a whole new strategy.
“Aaron, did you fucking listen to anything I just said?” Barked Wymack, and Aaron mentally facepalmed. Of course, life couldn’t give him a rest.
He was collecting his strength to give an answer when Andrew answered.
“Don’t bother coach, Aaron decided that he was better than all of us today. We are not worthy of his precious attention, probably.”
And then, Aaron had enough. He was so damn tired, he wanted to sleep and forget about everything: about classes and failing, about practice and not being good enough, about Andrew and being a disappointment.
He was trying but it was never enough.
A last peak of adrenaline rushed through him and he suddenly stood up, looking at his brother right in the eyes: “You know what, Andrew? I’m fucking tired of your attitude. I’m sorry Mom chose me instead of you, I’m sorry your childhood was shitty, and I’m sorry you had to have a brother.
I know you were never happy knowing that I existed, and I know that you wished you were alone, but I can’t stand this anymore. I am just so tired of trying everything to make you love me more, or at least tolerate me.
I’m trying so hard to be the brother you want: I’m not nosy, I’m giving you space, I’m not complaining about your shitty behavior and the fact that you’ve been ignoring me for years but warming up to people you just met. I never complained about your behavior towards Katelyn when she was nothing but respectful to you.
But somehow it’s never enough, and I’m just…” shit, he was getting really dizzy, “I’m just so damn tired, and I have so much to do and I’m always trying my best but it’s never enough,” he could feel his voice cracking and tears burning his eyes. He didn't want to cry. Not in front of his team, not in front of his brother, but he couldn’t even control his body anymore. He didn’t notice that his body was swaying dangerously until Andrew stood up too and steadied him by holding his shoulder.
Funny, he thought when he finally noticed something different than anger or indifference in his brother’s eyes. But he wasn’t done. Andrew was mad at him for being silent during their appointment. Well, now Aaron was about to talk.
“Andrew, I’m sorry I’ll never be good enough for you, and I wish I could fix that, but I tried everything, and the truth is I’ll never be what you want me to be. And now I’m just trying to focus on classes but I’m still failing, and I’m failing exy, and I’m failing the team, and I… I can’t do it anymore—“
Aaron didn’t even notice that he was now only standing because he was pressed against Andrew. His usually touch-repulsed brother was holding him against his chest, trying to keep Aaron upright through his meltdown. One of his hands was wrapped tightly around his back, keeping him up, while the other one was on the back of his neck as if to calm him down. Aaron’s face was pressed against Andrew’s neck, but he couldn’t even enjoy being held close. He was still babbling, not even realizing that he wasn’t much coherent anymore. “I can’t… I can’t understand the difference between neurohormones and neurotransmitters.”
“Easy. Easy, Aaron,” said Andrew.
Aaron wasn’t done. Aaron was exhausted and he just wanted to let it all out. He spent his life trying to stay in control of his feelings, but he didn’t have the strength to do it right now.
“I’m always trying my fucking best,” he sobbed, holding his brother’s sweater for dear life as black dots were filling the corner of his eyes, leaving him even more disoriented.
“Aaron, breathe.” He couldn’t say if it was Andrew talking to him or someone else. Why would Andrew care? Andrew never cared about him.
“Andrew,” he slurred. “I’m tired.”
Everything was getting blurry. Or even more blurry than before. He didn’t know it was even possible.
Andrew was probably talking. He could feel his brother’s chest vibrating, but he couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t tell if it was normal.
“Andrew,” he tried again, but he didn’t know if he was really speaking, everything was spinning and nothing was making sense. The black dots were starting to fill his vision and his grip on Andrew’s sweater was getting weaker. “I… I don’t feel… I don’t feel good.”
He didn’t know if Andrew heard what he said, or if he even managed to say it. In just a few seconds, his exhausted body finally gave out and he lost consciousness.
Aaron woke up feeling extremely confused. He couldn’t remember what happened, nor how he ended up here. He remembered going to his classes in the morning, but the rest was a blur.
He was feeling exhausted, both physically and mentally, but this was now a familiar feeling.
When he managed to find the strength to open his eyes, he was even more confused, noticing that he wasn’t in his dorm.
This was his old dorm, the one he used to share with Andrew, Kevin, and Nicky before last year. What the hell was he doing here?
His body felt too heavy for him to move a muscle. Instead, he turned his head around, hoping to find an explanation.
His eyes quickly laid on Andrew. His brother was sitting on one of the beanbags that he had visibly moved here. He was typing something on his laptop, and a few notebooks were spread on the floor in front of him. That’s when Aaron realized that he was laying on Andrew’s bed.
“Andrew?” He slurred. He knew his brother didn’t like being disturbed, but Aaron was too confused, and Andrew didn’t like anything anyway.
To his surprise, Andrew turned his head immediately, and he could read something like relief in his eyes.
Well, that was weird.
Andrew stared at him for a few seconds, then handed him a small bottle of water. Aaron tried to grip it, but his arms were shaky and clumsy as if they were not obeying him anymore. Andrew stared at him for another few seconds before elevating his brother’s head with one of his arms and helping him to drink.
Okay, that was fucking weird.
Aaron couldn’t remember the last time Andrew did anything for him.
When Andrew was satisfied with how much his brother had drunk, he pulled back and went back to his laptop: “Go back to sleep.”
“Andr—“
“Sleep, Aaron. I’ll be there when you wake up.”
Aaron went back to sleep, lulled by his brother typing on his keyboard.
The next time he woke up, he was feeling a bit better. He was still exhausted, but at least he could move. The room was lighter, and Aaron’s inner clock told him it was morning. Aaron’s inner clock also told him he overslept, because there was no way he didn’t miss morning practice.
He sat up in a jolt, ready to get yelled at by Wymack and his teammates. He could already feel their disdain.
Before he could work himself into a full-blown panic attack, the door opened and Nicky appeared.
“Aaron! You’re awake!”
He turned his head and repeated to someone behind him: “He’s awake.”
Then, he walked into the room and sat on the bed next to his cousin.
“How are you feeling, buddy?”
Nicky ran his hand through Aaron’s messy hair, smiling softly.
“I… Nicky, what’s happening?”
Nicky frowned and mumbled: “You passed out, Aaron. In the lounge before practice. Abby checked on you and noticed that you were suffering from malnutrition, dehydration. And you were also badly overworked. Anyway, we took you back here and you slept for like eighteen hours, and thanks to you, we all have a free day today. Also, be ready to get lectured by both Abby and Wymack about taking care of yourself.”
Aaron’s brain took a few seconds to process all the information, then everything came back: the terrible week, the nightmares, his exams, his classes, and his fight with Andrew.
Fuck. He was so fucked.
Eighteen hours. He slept eighteen hours when he should have studied for his exams. He probably woke up too late for his first classes today. He was so fucked.
Nicky probably noticed his panic rising because he placed a reassuring hand on his chest: “Aaron, it’s okay. We’re taking care of everything. You don’t have to worry about your exams, it’s fine.”
“What do you mean by I don’t have to worry about my fucking exams, Nicky?”
Nicky winked at him: “You’ll see.”
Then his smile dropped: “Aaron. What you said yesterday, I…” He took a deep breath as if he was thinking about what he should say.
“I’m sorry. I’m your guardian, and I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner that something was wrong. I should have been there, and I’m so fucking sorry about that.”
Aaron shook his head, and placed his hand on Nicky’s one: “You have your own problems, Nicky. I appreciate that you want to take care of us, I really do. But you’re not a miracle worker, and you’re…” he knew that Nicky always felt self-conscious about his role as their guardian, and the least Aaron could do was to reassure him too. “You’re enough Nicky. You’re human too, and we know what you’re doing for us, even if it doesn’t look like it.”
It should have been a good thing to say because Nicky beamed at him.
“Alright, you should rest. I don't think Abby will allow you to leave this bed in a while anyway. I’m gonna get you breakfast.”
Nicky ruffled his hair before leaving, letting Aaron be even more confused than earlier. What about his classes? What about his fucking exams?
Aaron let out a frustrated groan and was about to get up when the door opened again.
He was expecting to see Nicky, but it was Andrew.
Aaron felt ashamed all of a sudden. He had yelled at Andrew, complaining about his behavior in front of their whole team, and then passed out in his arms. If Andrew was not already hating him before, he was definitely hating him now.
Andrew was holding a steaming cup in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He sat on the beanbag that was still next to his bed and gave Aaron the glass of water: “Abby banned you from coffee until further notice,” he said.
“Andrew, I—
Andrew stopped him with a sign of hand. He did not look angry, but Aaron knew better, Andrew was used to hiding his emotions after all.
“Listen,” Andrew started, “I’ll just say it once, so you better listen.”
Aaron’s mouth dropped shut.
Andrew took a deep breath as if he was trying to gather his thoughts.
“You know I don’t believe in regrets, right?” He did not wait for Aaron to answer before continuing: “I don’t believe in regrets, because regrets are useless. You cannot change the past anyway. But…” he looked frustrated. “But right now, I do regret my behavior towards you. I want to make it clear that I don’t hate you, Aaron. I don’t hate you and I don’t think that you are not enough. I see that you are trying and I’m sorry I’m not trying as much. You’re my brother, Aaron. More than that, you’re my twin. And I don’t want you to change for me, or to think I don’t even tolerate you. I care about you, and I should have been more careful these past few days.”
The more Andrew was talking, the more he seemed to be losing the sliver of patience he had when he entered the room.
“But I’m not a fucking mind reader, Aaron, and I didn’t know you believed in these twin telepathy bullshit. If something is wrong you have to tell me or I won’t be able to do shit.”
Aaron flinched as his brother’s voice was getting louder, and Andrew must have noticed it because he took another deep breath.
“I don’t want you to get better for me, Aaron. I want you to get better for yourself. And I can’t guarantee you that I’ll be a better brother, but I can guarantee you that I will try.”
Aaron was speechless. That was probably the most he’d ever heard Andrew’s voice, except maybe during his trial. He was now almost convinced that all of this was a dream because there was no way Andrew would say that to him.
“I don’t really know how to be a brother, I never learned before,” said Andrew.
“Me neither,” finally answered Aaron. “But we can learn together.”
Andrew looked at him for a long time, took a sip of his coffee, and gestured to Aaron to drink his water.
“Let’s make another deal,” offered Andrew. “You come to me before spiraling again. And in exchange, I’ll tell you when something is wrong. Deal?”
“That’s not a deal, that’s just fucking healthy communication,” scoffed Aaron. But when Andrew raised an eyebrow, as to say “Do we look like healthy people?” Aaron sobered up and nodded: “Deal.”
Andrew seemed pleased by Aaron’s answer. He finished his coffee and stood up: “You should rest more.”
He was about to leave when Aaron called him back: “Stay?”
His brother looked at him pensively then came back to the bed and said: “Scoot over, I sleep at the wall.”
Aaron looked at him for a solid minute, wondering if his twin was replaced by another doppelganger, but when Andrew did not back out, he moved slowly, letting Andrew settle down next to him. Aaron hesitated for a minute before gesturing at Andrew’s torso: “Is this okay?”
Andrew didn’t verbally answer but wrapped an arm around his brother’s back and pulled him against him, allowing Aaron to bury his face in his twin’s neck.
“Don’t you fucking dare to cry again,” finally said Andrew. “I won’t forgive myself for making you cry.”
Aaron nodded against Andrew’s skin, then closed his eyes. It was such a relief for him to be able to go back to sleep so easily after weeks of insomnia.
The rest of the day was relaxing. Aaron slept a few more hours with Andrew before finally being allowed to move out of bed for lunch. Nicky had made enough food for a whole week, insisting that Aaron won’t get malnourish ever again on his watch. Kevin even made him one of his disgusting “super healthy” smoothies, and Aaron couldn’t deny that the shot of vitamins made him feel better.
When he finally managed to ask about his exams, Nicky explained that Wymack called the university, explaining the situation, and the head of the pre-med major accepted to replace Aaron’s final exam with an essay he had to send before the end of the week. When he noticed Aaron’s panicked face at that, Nicky brushed off his worries: “Don’t worry, Andrew did it.”
“What,” he blurted out.
“I used your notes and wrote your essay while you were sleeping,” answered Andrew as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Then, he sighed and added: “I might have asked Katelyn for help, too.”
Aaron gaped at him and Andrew rolled his eyes, while Neil had a small smile on his face.
“You’re welcome.”
Andrew refused to leave his twin’s side of the day. He smoked in front of the window so he won’t have to go out, and made sure Aaron drank at least two liters of water and ate enough. Abby and Wymack dropped by, too. Abby lectured him for the longest ten minutes of his life, but his coach apologized for not noticing that something was wrong and made him promise to warn them next time. They decided to bench him for a least a week, refusing to let him back on the Court before he had a full week of good sleep and decent meals.
He spent his evening curled up on the couch against Nicky and Andrew, as they were having a movie night. Kevin fell asleep on Andrew’s shoulder during the first ten minutes of the movie, and even though Andrew acted annoyed, he couldn’t hide the fondness in his eyes. On the other side of Kevin, Neil was eating ice cream and playing with Kevin’s fingers. Kevin’s left hand has been healed for a long time, but he still was very sensitive and didn’t like people touching it, as if he was scared it will break again suddenly. However, his boyfriends seem to be the exceptions and they both liked to hold his hand as if it was sacred and gently massage it when the striker was stressed, or panicking.
Aaron could feel his brain get fuzzy too during the movie. Even though he did rest the whole day, he had more than a week of insomnia to make up for.
Andrew seemed to notice because he gestured his shoulder and said: “Just the shoulder.”
Aaron was confused for a second, and then rested carefully his head on his brother’s shoulder, not wanting to overwhelm Andrew, but his twin didn’t seem to mind and let Aaron settle against him before going back to the movie. Aaron was asleep in a few minutes.