Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

Little Mess Scientist: Y0u guys are never g0nna guess what happened t0day

Mr Messy: Someone in this ch4t snuck into cl4ss with you.
Mr Messy: You told me 4t lunch.

Little Mess Scientist: Marius y0u pretenti0us dick y0u were supp0sed t0 keep it secret

ChatGPT: Um??? What???

Mr Messy: Ye4h wtf R4ph?

ChatGPT: Nono im not talking about the insult
ChatGPT: Youre the most pretentious dick that ever CAME
ChatGPT: Into the university
ChatGPT: And SUCKED
ChatGPT: At hiding the fact you recently stole my nerf gun (i am so mad rn) (plotting my revenge as we speak)

Mr Messy: Shit

ChatGPT: But who snuck into your biology lesson???
ChatGPT: As far as im aware all of us either fear the crimes against humanity you commit in there or got banned for assisting them
ChatGPT: Well except The Toy Soldier but it doesnt go to the same university as us

Toy Story: I Don’t Even Have Class Today!

Captain crook: okay now that is plain bullshit
Captain crook: how does every other university in london get closed because of the snow except for our one
Captain crook: thats not even an exaggeration you can ask ivy

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: It’s true.

Little Mess Scientist: Shh shh shh shh shh I’m telling the st0ry 0f h0w funny s0me0ne here is

Arson O Reilly: thats a story i can get behind

Little Mess Scientist: THANK Y0U
Little Mess Scientist: S0 I’m in bi0l0gy. Minding my business. Taking n0tes like a g00d little creechur with n0 ulteri0r m0tives 0f w0rld d0minati0n

Dig Bick Brian: Don’t end the world, Raphaella.

Little Mess Scientist: D0n’t interrupt my st0ry and I’ll c0nsider it
Little Mess Scientist: Anyways, listening t0 the teacher, h0nestly z0ned 0ut 0f my mind, when I hear a whisper fr0m in fr0nt 0f me
Little Mess Scientist: 0ne that s0unds VERY familiar
Little Mess Scientist: It is 0nly when the student sat bel0w me turns t0 face my r0w that I register just h0w pr0fessi0nal the hat they’re wearing is

Captain crook: wait

Little Mess Scientist: Just what a pr0fessional little unif0rm they’re dressed in

Captain crook: YOU DONT MEAN

Little Mess Scientist: And just what a ‘spiffing’ m0ustache they have!

Captain crook: OH MY GOD

Arson O Reilly: TEA???

Toy Story: That’s Me!
Toy Story: You Should Have Seen The Look On Her Face!

Mr Messy: Fin4lly.
Mr Messy: I’ve been holding b4ck on spoiling this 4ll lunch.

Arson O Reilly: WHAT WERE U DOING IN OUR UNI?
Arson O Reilly: HOW DID U EVEN GET IN?!

ChatGPT: Sobbing shaking screaming on the floor rn

Captain crook: alright im sorry (im not) but raph has to be pranking us
Captain crook: ignoring the fact that not a single sane person would miss out on a snow day to visit a uni they dont go to, the soldier wouldnt have gotten in without a card

Toy Story: I’m Afraid It’s True, Jonny! Your Uni Has An Awful Amount Of Basement Windows And Not Nearly Enough Locks On Them!

Arson O Reilly: …

ChatGPT: Um
ChatGPT: Run that by us again

Toy Story: I Broke In Through A Window, Tim :{)

Captain crook: SOLDIER
Captain crook: SOLDIER YOU DID NOT
Captain crook: NOT AGAIN

Nyasta: FUCKING-
Nyasta: I thought I told you to stop that when we were in college!

Little Mess Scientist: Shut the fuck up

Arson O Reilly: WAS THIS A REGULAR OCCURRENCE?!

Nyasta: Regular occurrence?
Nyasta: That’s how I met it! Found it about to blow its own face off after it snuck into my engineering class.

Arson O Reilly: WTF?????

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Hm. Interesting.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: It appears we have learnt many facts today.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Fact number one: The Toy Soldier has broken into at least two education facilities on multiple occasions.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Fact number two: it has been doing this for several years, presumably without ever getting charged.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Fact number three: The Toy Soldier actively met Nastya, and in turn Jonny, by performing what Brian would call, “A B&E” (Breaking and entering).

Dig Bick Brian: Don’t rope me into this! >:(

Toy Story: That’s Right! Splendid Work, Alexandria!
Toy Story: I Say, You’ve Done A Smashing Job At Understanding The Situation! Three Whole Facts Is More Than Jonny Ever Learns In A Week.

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Aww, thanks.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes:╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Captain crook: ivy can spout as much crap as she wants to but it doesnt explain why you did it
Captain crook: you couldve had an entire snow day to yourself but you broke into another uni instead
Captain crook: tell me how that isnt the most stupid decision ever

Mr Messy: TH4T’S WH4T I’VE BEEN S4YING!
Mr Messy: But R4ph won’t tell me 4nything bec4use, 4nd I quote:
Mr Messy: “It’ll be sweeter to he4r it expl4in in person or over text.”

Toy Story: I Only Came Because Thought You Would Be Happy To See Me :{(
Toy Story: It Wouldn’t Have Been Very Fun If I Was By Myself, It Would Just Be Lonely.
Toy Story: I’d Much Rather Spend A School Day With My Friends Than Outside Alone.

Arson O Reilly: okay everyone shut the fuck up
Arson O Reilly: its official tea is a national treasure i love it

Toy Story: Well I Like You Lot Too, But I’m Hardly Blind. If You Don’t Want Me In Your Classes, Just Say The Word!

Little Mess Scientist: Aaaaaaa 0kay bef0re we say anything
Little Mess Scientist: TS TS TS please d0 n0t w0rry we all fucking ad0re y0u
Little Mess Scientist: But yeah, y0u seri0usly can’t break int0 uni! It w0uld be much harder t0 talk t0 y0u if y0u g0t arrested 0ver it.

Dig Bick Brian: Aren’t all of us breaking the law though? This is hardly a 9 person apartment, but we haven’t been arrested.

Nyasta: Our landlord is Jonny and mine’s aunt, remember? We’re family, and even if we weren’t it’s not as if she gets paid enough to care about some minor law breaking.
Nyasta: The police, on the other hand, somehow do.

Little Mess Scientist: Precisely. As much as we l0ve spending time with y0u, it’s n0t w0rth risking the tr0uble! That’s J0nny’s j0b.

Captain crook: damn straight, and you arent taking it

Toy Story: Of Course Not Jonny! I Do Suppose I Better Understand Your Viewpoints Now; I Would Certainly Be In A Spot Of Trouble If The Authorities Caught Wind Of This!
Toy Story: Or Lyfrassir.

Arson O Reilly: love that they dont count

Toy Story: Rest Assured, I’ll Take More Care Into Not Landing In Jail In The Future!
Toy Story: …So Chances Are I Should Probably Leave This Storage Room While I Still Have A Window Of Opportunity To Do So. (And A Window To Sneak Out Of!)

Little Mess Scientist: Y0U’RE STILL IN THE BUILDING?!?!?

Toy Story: No One Ever Told Me To Leave! >:{D

Nyasta: God almighty.

Arson O Reilly: alright, stay safe out there tea! also, next time u wanna hang during uni hours, just give me a text and ill have the fire alarm pulled for u, no questions asked

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: …We do still have 7 minutes and 32 seconds left of lunch.

Arson O Reilly: oh? could you be suggesting what im thinking? ;)

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

Mr Messy: We’ve t4ught her so well. It’s enough to m4ke 4 grown m4n cry.

ChatGPT: Oh i am DOWN! Whos up for an O Reilly style snow day?

Captain crook: BET!

Dig Bick Brian: I don’t know. It’s going to be incredibly chilly outside, I don’t want to catch a cold :(

Mr Messy: Bri4n I c4n count the 4mount of times you’ve ever gotten sick on one h4nd.

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: If it’s any reassurance, I can sneak some blankets out of the library if you’d like.

Toy Story: And I Can Bring Tea!

Mr Messy: 4ll of us c4n bring hugs.

Captain crook: ew

Nyasta: Ew.

ChatGPT: Ew

Mr Messy: Most of us c4n bring hugs.

Dig Bick Brian: Really? If that’s the case, I’m much less opposed to the idea. :)

Arson O Reilly: then its a deal. ill go set one off in the toilets. meet you guys inside the bush outside grounds?

Captain crook: as always

Toy Story: This Is Going To Be Great Fun! I Should Come To This Place More Often!

Nyasta: FOR THE LOVE OF-

Chapter Text

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

ChatGPT: Okay ive had enough where the fuck did you guys put it

Mr Messy: ???

ChatGPT: Dont play dumb. You know what I mean

Little Mess Scientist: Mmmmmmmmm
Little Mess Scientist: Elab0rate

ChatGPT: THE NERF GUN. THE FUCKING NERF GUN.
ChatGPT: I have been p a t i e n t. Ive waited two whole weeks for someone to fess up and reveal where its been hidden
ChatGPT: But guess what? NOTHING! No confessions, no betrayals, and especially no nerf guns!

Toy Story: I Thought Raum Was The One Who Stole It?

ChatGPT: And? Everyone knows Marius started it but we live in a 9 people apartment

Dig Bick Brian: 8 people + a friend Jonny and Nastya brought in.

ChatGPT: The technicalities dont matter
ChatGPT: What i mean to say is its impossible to keep a secret when youre surrounded by so many crazies

Arson O Reilly: what r u suggesting?

ChatGPT: Im suggesting that Marius isnt the only person who got involved in this
ChatGPT: Someone else in this group chat knows where my nerf gun is, and i am going to spam it all night if no one comes out now. Who knows

Little Mess Scientist: It was Marius

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: All of the responsibility falls onto Marius.

Arson O Reilly: marius dunnit

Dig Bick Brian: I know Marius took it, but I wouldn’t lie about my personal involvement!

Mr Messy: Oh wh4t the 4ctu4l fuck you guys?

Toy Story: Now Hold On Just A Second, Everyone!
Toy Story: This Wasn’t All Our Good Doctor’s Fault, If You Can Call Him That. A Couple Of People Are Being Untruthful >:{(

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Oh Raphaella you didn’t.

Little Mess Scientist: …

Mr Messy: R4444444PH!

Toy Story: When I Broke Into Cognizi’s Class A Fortnight Ago, She Conceded In Me About How She, Raum, And Alexandria Had Taken The Neft Gun A Way’s Back For An Experiment With, Or Perhaps Against, Lyfrassir!

Little Mess Scientist: TS I trusted y0u

ChatGPT: See this is why me and Bertie invite it to our drinking nights

Mr Messy: Wh4t 4bout Jonny?

ChatGPT: This isnt about him
ChatGPT: Its about you lot explaining why you needed my nerf gun of all things to terrorise the apartments security guard
ChatGPT: And where you took it when you were done

Mr Messy: C4n you promise not to kill us if we do?

ChatGPT: No???

Mr Messy: Worth 4 shot.

Little Mess Scientist: 0kay 0kay 0kay 0kay, s0! I’m sure y0u kn0w just h0w much we l0ve t0… experiment, with 0ur fav0urite 0fficer

ChatGPT: You experiment with everyone

Little Mess Scientist: Exactly! And a few weeks ag0, Ivy came up with an all new, ultra deluxe the0ry!

Mr Messy: W4y to n4me 4nd bl4me there.

Little Mess Scientist: Hush, y0u can talk when we reveal that we’ve l0st it

ChatGPT: W h a t.

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: We’re getting ahead of ourselves. The point is that I had a hypothesis.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Officer Lyfrassir never fails to confiscate our more dangerous equipment, like Jonny’s knives or Ashes’ assortment of lighters.
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: But what if we merely brought a toy weapon to them? Would they still take it if it posed no harm? (@￣ρ￣@)

ChatGPT: Ivy. I swear to god if you lost my nerf gun because you wanted to annoy a 5’2 adult in a high vis vest, that toy will not be the only thing that goes missing today

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: It went missing a couple of weeks ago. (._.)

ChatGPT: Thats really not the focus here

Little Mess Scientist: IN IVY’S DEFENCE
Little Mess Scientist: She’s n0t the reas0n it g0t taken 0ff us
Little Mess Scientist: That h0n0ur g0es t0 s0me0ne else, d0esn’t it Marius???

Mr Messy: TR4ITORS. 4LL OF YOU. FILTHY TR4ITORS.

Little Mess Scientist: 0h I’m s0rry, did I sh00t at Lyf while yelling “Y0G S0G0TH CAN SUCK IT Y0U IGN0MINI0US WENCH!” N0, I did n0t
Little Mess Scientist: Did IVY sh00t at Lyf while yelling “Y0G S0G0TH CAN SUCK IT Y0U IGN0MINI0US WENCH!” N0, she did n0t
Little Mess Scientist: And since three 0f us harassed 0ur sm0l ic0n, guess what? That leaves y0u as the 0nly pers0n who c0uld’ve d0ne that

Arson O Reilly: SHUT TF UP
Arson O Reilly: MARIUS U DID NOT ACTUALLY DO THAT

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: He did. Raphaella recorded it.

Arson O Reilly: HEEEELP IM CRYIN
Arson O Reilly: LITERALLY ROLLIN ON THE FLOOR RN

Dig Bick Brian: No you aren’t. I can see you.

Arson O Reilly: stfu it sounds funnier if i am
Arson O Reilly: BUT PLS SEND ME THAT

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: We can’t. Lyfrassir took the video camera.

Arson O Reilly: bitch

Dig Bick Brian: Have any of you considered that you might have deserved it?
Dig Bick Brian: It’s not right to harass anyone, let alone someone who’s simply trying to keep us safe.

ChatGPT: Maybe you deserved it for stealing my nerf gun
ChatGPT: Also Brian you have no right to talk you literally roped Jonny into helping you attempt to rob a bank with a banana

Dig Bick Brian: First, it was a Monday. I had a valid reason.
Dig Bick Brian: Second, I have matured since then.

ChatGPT: It was literally 4 days ago.

Little Mess Scientist: C0uld we mature if we g0t y0u a new 0ne?

ChatGPT: No
ChatGPT: I want the original back
ChatGPT: By 12 tomorrow

Mr Messy: Fuuuuuck

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: That shouldn’t be too difficult, should it?
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Jonny and Nastya always help us get any confiscated items back to safety. There are perks to having two roommates related to your landlord. (^з^)-☆

Toy Story: One Issue With That Plan, Alexandria!
Toy Story: Jonny And Nastya Aren’t Going To Be Back Until Tomorrow Morning. Jonny Told Me It Was A Wedding. Or Funeral. He Couldn’t Remember Which.
Toy Story: Carmilla Couldn’t Go, But That’s Because She Has A Meeting So We Can’t Look For Her Either.

Mr Messy: How do you 4lw4ys know everything 4bout th4t f4mily?

Little Mess Scientist: N0t imp0rtant. All it means is we’ll have t0 d0 this… the 0ld fashi0ned way

Arson O Reilly: r u using arson

Little Mess Scientist: We might be using ars0n

Arson O Reilly: count me in

Toy Story: Can I Participate In A Violence?!

Little Mess Scientist: Y0u bet!

Toy Story: :{D

Dig Bick Brian: Why do I feel like I don’t get a choice in the matter?

Mr Messy: Bec4use you don’t.
Mr Messy: Now who’s re4dy to Yog Sogoth th4t hoe’s life?

ChatGPT: For the last time stop with your dumbass Yog Sogoth references. No one understands them

Mr Messy: Loki kinnie.

Chapter Text

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

Friday, 22:30

Arson O Reilly: alright any1 wanna go over the plan 1 last time before our valiant rescue efforts?

Little Mess Scientist: With pleasure!
Little Mess Scientist: Phase 1: Me, Mari and Ivy will appr0ach sm0l target (Lyf)
Little Mess Scientist: We will c0llectively distract them while Ashes enacts phase 2

Arson O Reilly: arson

Little Mess Scientist: Ars0n. It d0esn’t 0verly matter which t0ilets y0u set the fire in, we’re trying t0 get away with this and I d0n’t think any0ne in this building is cis anyways

Mr Messy: Cisnt

Little Mess Scientist: Precisely. Tim’s g0nna be with y0u t0 help fl00d the place if the flames get 0ut 0f hand
Little Mess Scientist: After y0u’ve d0ne that, Brian c0mes d0wnstairs t0 initiate phase 3: Getting Lyf t0 g0 fix y0ur mess
Little Mess Scientist: When Brian leaves, that’s the signal f0r TS t0 pick the l0ck t0 Lyf’s 0ffice and take the nerf gun and my camera back

Toy Story: And You Said I Couldn’t Break Into Anymore Buildings >:{)

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: That rule only applies to education facilities. Anywhere else is fair ground. (๑･̑◡･̑๑)

Dig Bick Brian: Don’t encourage this, Ivy.

Mr Messy: Hey now, there’s no need to worry
Mr Messy: 4fter 4ll, how b4d c4n this possibly be? ;)

ChatGPT: Say those words again and I will smite you like I smited my history teacher Mr Kaiser in year 4

Friday, 22:58

Arson O Reilly: wheres my alcohol

Little Mess Scientist: wut alhcoholm0

Mr Messy: proab4bly forgot it

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: i dont feel very good

Arson O Reilly: fucking-
Arson O Reilly: did you guys drink it???

Little Mess Scientist: whee had two0. We didnt kn0 if ivy was a lightwait or neut

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: my head hurts
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: not the migraine kind but not good either

Mr Messy: we found our 4444nsweer

Arson O Reilly: that was for the arson dipshits!!!

Toy Story: You Should Set Some Toilet Paper Alight Instead!

Arson O Reilly: mm
Arson O Reilly: suppose so yeah. cant see that kicking my arse in foreseeable future

Friday, 23:58

Arson O Reilly: brian a word of warning it might be time to get lyf

ChatGPT: IT WASNT TIME TO GET THEM WHEN THE STALL DOORS STARTED BURNING?!

Arson O Reilly: ur supposed to be the flooder

ChatGPT: Oh right yes my bad let me just fill these things with the toilet paper that ive got on hand- OH WAIT

Arson O Reilly: this is teas fault not mine

ChatGPT: Shh no need for the blame game i have an idea
ChatGPT: Cant say its a good idea, but it IS an idea

Arson O Reilly: then do it pussy

Dig Bick Brian: No need for whatever you’re thinking of doing! I’m headed downstairs right this very second.

Saturday, 00:02

Mr Messy: oooo loook aet me im lyffy im so hawt sh4wty ba4e

Little Mess Scientist: im sewing that two em

Mr Messy: NOOOOOOO RAEEA44444A44PH

Little Mess Scientist: Hwhehe fuck uuuauuqyuiyHi!8!-81!8!oni!n7 I. U 7u. I🐻🐸🐭🐔🐰🐭,-6 ata2wscすwcyшутгцмгмгямнっ

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: help theyre fighting what do i do
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: oh wait no brians here they stopped now. lyf is gone

Mr Messy: r4ph5ellah is a4 fu
Mr Messy: um
Mr Messy: what
Mr Messy: wh4t w4s that noise

Saturday, 00:05

ChatGPT: FUCK
ChatGPT: FUCK IT WONT STOP

Arson O Reilly: TIMS FAULT THIS IS TIMS FAULT

ChatGPT: GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND HELP PLUG THIS SHIT

Arson O Reilly: THERE IS NO PLUGGING THIS SHIT. THIS SHIT IS LIKE IF SHIT GOT WILD WITH A HIPPO THAT GOT CURBSTOMPED AS ITS MOTHER GAVE BIRTH TO IT
Arson O Reilly: THE WINDOW THE WINDOW IS THE ONLY WAY

Dig Bick Brian: Don’t jump out of a window! You’re on the 3rd floor!
Dig Bick Brian: OH MY GOD WHY IS WATER POURING THROUGH THE CEILING?

Arson O Reilly: BETTER QUESTION IS WHY DID TIM BRING A SLEDGEHAMMER

Dig Bick Brian: IT’S COMING DOWN THE STAIRS LIKE A TIDAL WAVE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Dig Bick Brian: I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. YOU GUYS ARE ON YOUR OWN.

Mr Messy: o no you arent flaking you dick
Mr Messy: fuxkin
Mr Messy: fl4ky dick
Mr Messy: brb gonna take care of him

Saturday, 00:15

Mr Messy: brian is dead

Toy Story: I’m Afraid We Have A Far More Pressing Issue Than That!

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: the faeces flood?

Arson O Reilly: the drunk skunks

Toy Story: Not Quite :{(
Toy Story: When Brian Left, I Did Manage To Get To Edda’s Office And Retrieve Our Items (And Also Maybe Smash Some Security Cameras For You Guys).
Toy Story: But They Got Back Sooner Than I Expected (Thanks Brian).
Toy Story: …And They Locked Me In.

ChatGPT: Oh shit

Toy Story: I’m Scared I Don’t Know Wh- Wait They’re Calling Someone.
Toy Story: …Oh No. Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No Oh No I’m In Trouble I’m In So Much Trouble

Little Mess Scientist: ?????

Arson O Reilly: hold on
Arson O Reilly: did
Arson O Reilly: did they call the police or something???

Toy Story: …
Toy Story: My Mum And And Dad Are Going To Be So Mad At MeEeEeEeEeE T-T

Arson O Reilly: shit shit shit shit shit
Arson O Reilly: tea you gotta listen to me
Arson O Reilly: whats your motive the police are gonna want one
Arson O Reilly: think of something that doesnt sound bad

Toy Story: Peer Pressure. I’m Far Too Sensitive.

Arson O Reilly: perfect

ChatGPT: Um??? No??????
ChatGPT: If you really cant get out we can ask Bertie to pay bail but are you sure theres nothing you can do???
ChatGPT: Afraid me and Ashes wont be much help we got back to our place and we cant risk stepping outside again with Lyfrassir on our tails

Toy Story: Um…
Toy Story: Oh Wait, There Is A Window!
Toy Story: I Have A Lot Of Experience With Those!
Toy Story: But It’s A Little Too High To Reach :{(

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: me raphaella and marius are outside right now we could come lend a hand if you want
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: also maybe you could help me because i dont know how these two havent blacked out yet and id rather not be alone when they do

Arson O Reilly: why are you outside

Mr Messy: bri4n is dead

Arson O Reilly: fair enough

Toy Story: Your Efforts Would Be Much Appreciated, Yes! Thank You Very Much!!! :{D

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Not a problem. Hang tight toy soldier

Saturday, 0:40

ChatGPT: why did we just hear screaming from our apartment

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: that was lyfrassir
Designated Cleaner Of Messes: and raphaella

Little Mess Scientist: IMM G0ING TO KILL ET

Toy Story: You’ll Have To Catch Me First!

Mr Messy: aaaaaa444aaaand there she goes

Arson O Reilly: what just happened

Mr Messy: well whee fund lyfs ofice but the window was loked so weee needed to break it
Mr Messy: and the shoulder had raphs video camer4 on hand so uh yu no
Mr Messy: it through th4t to break it
Mr Messy: but the c4mera broke 2

Arson O Reilly: ah
Arson O Reilly: and that’s why we can see them biting each other outside?

Mr Messy: yep

ChatGPT: What about the nerf gun? Did you guys get that?

Mr Messy: oh shit we forgot

ChatGPT: .
ChatGPT: Im going to kill you
ChatGPT: And then kill you again

Saturday, 6:30

Nyasta: At reception right now. We have questions.

Shit Storm: Ask away (this is Tim btw)

Captain crook: why are raphaella and the toy soldier beating the shit out of each other

Arson: their still going at it?

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: *They’re

Arson: fuck u

Nyasta: Why are the police here???

Midweight: Re4d up.
Midweight: TLDR, 4shes set some upstairs toilets on fire, Tim flooded them 4nd sent w4ter flooding down the st4ircase, we fucked with Lyf 4nd TS did 4 bre4king 4nd entering 4g4in, this time with permission 4nd destruction of property.
Midweight: We’ve been getting interviewed 4ll morning. Don’t be surprised if you do too.

Captain crook: not much of an explanation but fair enough
Captain crook: i think my biggest question is this though
Captain crook: why did carmilla just launch a nerf gun at our face and yell
Captain crook: shove this nerf gun up your boyfriends arse otherwise you will never hear from me again

Arson: SHIWBWSPENKOLEKW WHEEZE

Shit Storm: YOU GOT IT?!

Nyasta: She said it was far more trouble than it was worth.

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: And she can bloody well say that again. I am never drinking after the events of last night. (￣^￣)ゞ

Arson: r u just mad you didnt use grammar for once in ur life and forgot how to use kaomojis

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: ಠ_ಠ

Captain crook: i cant believe you assholes did this without me
Captain crook: it is treason of the highest degree i am disowning all of you get out of the apartment

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: ???

Nyasta: He is /j.

Designated Cleaner Of Messes: Ah.

Captain crook: anyways let me and nas grab some more bags and then ill bring this stupid toy up

Shit Storm: This is why Jonny is my favourite

Midweight: Bit fruity.

Shit Strorm: Name one straight person here. You cant

Nyasta: Oh yes before I forget to ask, has anyone seen Brian?

Midweight: SHIT I LEFT HIM IN THE SHED.

Chapter Text

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

Midweight: H4s 4nyone seen Bri4n? I kind4 promised I’d help him with 4 project to m4ke up for…
Midweight: You know.

Nyasta: Locking the man with really intense claustrophobia in a shed for over 6 hours?
Nyasta: At night?

Midweight: Yep th4t.
Midweight: But he didn’t turn up 4t the libr4ry 4nd me 4nd R4ph c4n’t find him 4nywhere.

Shit Storm: Cant say ive seen him since this morning

Captain crook: cant say ive seen him at all i got trapped in morrisons last night

Nyasta: I-

Captain crook: tried to steal a spoon. had a ts moment

Nyasta: I hate that you doing something so stupid doesn’t even come as a surprise to me anymore.
Nyasta: But did no one see him after he drove to class?

Lightweight: N0t t0 0ur kn0wledge, n0. It’s like the man just disappeared

Captain crook: well thats a bit fucking weird

Shit Storm: Lmao do you guys think hes sick or something?

Nyasta: Hm… No.

Midweight: 4bsolutely not.

Captain crook: Brian? Never

Shit Storm: Lolol

Lightweight: H0ly shit what if he g0t kidnapped :0

Nyasta: That. That wouldn’t happen.
Nyasta: Brian is almost 7 feet tall

Captain crook: if it did im not paying anything towards ransom
Captain crook: thats not me trying to be mean to brian i wouldnt pay ransom for any of you

Shit Storm: You guys realise you could easily just @ him and ask right

Midweight: :o

Shit Storm: Idiots. All of you
Shit Storm: @Flaker Where tf are you Marius is being annoying and only you can quell his whinging

Midweight: Fuck m4n do you h4ve 4 grudge 4g4inst me or something? You’ve been unch4r4cteristic4lly me4n to me for 4 WHILE.

Shit Storm: Ask the nerf gun

Flaker: I’m incredibly sorry if I worried you all! I simply decided to go home early today.
Flaker: Turns out I’m actually quite sick :(

Midweight WH4444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444T
Midweight: EXCUSE ME?!

Lightweight: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA????????

Shit Storm: I WAS JOKING EARLIER
Shit Storm: YOURE LYING.

Captain crook: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FREE LIFTS TO CLASS BRIAN

Nyasta: Marius I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
Nyasta: Brian really IS dead. This shapeshifter is no acquaintance of ours.

Flaker: Would it kill your emotionally constipated behind to call me your friend?

Nyasta: It would kill me to communicate with whatever paranormal imposter has replaced our acquaintance
Nyasta: Jonny do not make the among us joke it’s 2023 and I can hear you typing from a mile away

Captain crook: @Migraine Or The Highgraine @Arson @Locked Picker CODE SOMETHING OR ANOTHER BRIAN IS SICK

Migraine Or The Higraine: Then that is not Brian.

Arson: Be fucking fr

Locked Picker: ???
Locked Picker: Am I Missing A Joke? What’s So Wrong About That?

Flaker: THANK YOU.

Arson: u and brian have the most mind boggling insane immune systems i have ever come across
Arson: fuck i dont even know if uve been ill before and it wouldnt surprise me if you hadnt

Flaker: I wouldn’t say we’re anything impressive?
Flaker: I was locked inside of a shed overnight in the middle of February. It shouldn’t be so surprising that I got a cold.

Captain crook: what about that time everyone in the apartment caught that retched fever except for you two

Locked Picker: We Used A Lot Of Hand Sanitiser!

Shit Storm: How about when me and Jonny got sick on a night out with Bertie and The Toy Soldier took us both home without a trace of queasiness?

Locked Picker: The Only Reason Both Of You Caught The Rotten Bug Is Because It Spread When You Made Out In The Toilets.
Locked Picker: Yes We Do Know About That, No You Aren’t Subtle.

Shit Storm: HUH?!

Nyasta: Screenshotted that.

Lightweight: TS when Ivy last had a migraine y0u hugged her with0ut getting 0ne t00

Migraine Or The Highgraine: …
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Raphaella. Darling. That is not how migraines work in the slightest.
Migraine Or The Highgraine: They are non-communicable.

Lightweight: Uh
Lightweight: K0walski, translate

Midweight: You c4n’t spre4d them.

Lightweight: Ah.

Arson: genuinely how did you pass your biology gcse

Lightweight: Witchcraft

Midweight: But do you see wh4t we me4n? You NEVER get sick, Bri4n, if th4t truly is your n4me.

Flaker: It is, and I’m honestly a little offended you think I’d be lying about this. |:/

Midweight: But I’ve tested both of your immune systems on MULTIPLE occ4sions 4nd the results 4re never 4ny different!

Flaker: I’m sorry.
Flaker: Testing???
Flaker: WAIT IS THAT WHY YOU SHOVED US INTO A BUSH OF STINGING NETTLES LAST SUMMER?

Midweight: M4ybe.

Flaker: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS?!
Flaker: THAT WASN’T EVEN A MONTH AFTER WE MET YOU.

Midweight: S4y wh4t you w4nt but Soldier never re4cted in p4in. Isn’t th4t suspicious?

Locked Picker: 😃✋
Locked Picker: Marius Vincent Raum. How Many Fucking Times Do I Need To Say This?
Locked Picker: I Have CIPA. My Nerves Aren’t Connected To My Brain Properly. I Cannot Physically Feel Pain.

Midweight: Oh ye4h.

Locked Picker: I Don’t Know How You Keep Forgetting That.

Nyasta: How exactly does their response to being pushed into stinging nettles correlate to their immune systems?

Midweight: Uuuuh…

Nyasta: Surely this man isn’t studying to be a doctor. He can’t be, or future generations cannot exist.

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Laughing out loud.

Captain crook: for gods sake use abbreviations i cant stand this shit

Migraine Or The Highgraine: No, laughing my arse off.（≧∇≦）

Flaker: Why is it so hard to convince you I’m sick?

Arson: because it doesnt happen

Shit Storm: and i wouldnt even be surprised if youre making an excuse to avoid us
Shit Storm: I mean offence when I say were honestly pretty shitty *cough* Marius Raph *cough*

Lightweight: D0n’t y0u mean n0 0ffence? Asking f0r y0ur 0wn safety :)

Shit Storm: I said what i said

Flaker: I can understand your point Tim but would you all please listen?
Flaker: I can’t deny that we get under each other’s skins sometimes, but if I had a serious issue with someone I would actually talk about it with them, even if I can’t say the same for most of you.
Flaker: I’m not trying to avoid anyone right now. I can barely breathe through my nose and I forgot to buy any painkillers and head just plain hurts, and it’s not going to hurt any less with my phone blowing up because no one has the sense to understand that.
Flaker: I’m going to turn my phone off and try to get some sleep, and hopefully when you come home you’ll all see I’m not joking about this because it’s honestly really tiring.

Arson: hold on hold on hold on wait one sec
Arson: so ur actually feeling under the weather?

Flaker: Y E S.

Arson: well colour me surprised
Arson: howd u like for me to try and get back a little early today? i can grab some paracetamol on the way
Arson: instant noodles too. id offer something better but nastya doesnt let me cook alone

Nyasta: YOU ALMOST SET THE TOASTER ON FIRE BY BOILING CUCUMBER.

Arson: this is what i have to put up with smh
Arson: but i can make do with the noodles and we can watch one of those philosophical movies u love like everything everywhere all at once. some heavy shit like that
Arson: could steal a few blankets from jonnys side of the room too

Captain crook: OI OI OI HEY HEY HEY NO-

Flaker: Oh, would you… actually do that?

Arson: y wouldnt i

Flaker: …I don’t know how to put this in a nice way.

Lightweight: N0b0dy d0es, but luckily I’m brave en0ugh t0 say it in the rude way
Lightweight: Y0u’re n0t the resp0nsible type. N0t in the slightest. What’s with the attitude change all 0f a sudden?

Flaker: …Yes that’s more or less it.

Arson: sheesh i may be a bit reckless but im not a dick

Nyasta: “A bit.”

Arson: zip it
Arson: against all odds the mum friend is down and that means someone has to step up to fill in his shoes
Arson: and that someone is gonna be me because surprisingly i do actually love you guys

Locked Picker: Shouldn’t Brian Be The Father Friend?

Migraine Or The Highgraine: I thought Nastya was our mum friend. (・・?)

Locked Picker: And Why On Earth Would You Possibly Need To Wear Brian’s Shoes?

Arson: 1. fuck gender roles this household is cisnt
Arson: 2. i dont even know everything about nastyas childhood but from the stories ive heard i reckon she has too many mummy daddy and mental issues of her own to bare that responsibility
Arson: 3. its a saying tea

Locked Picker: Oooooh :{o

Arson: with that out of the way would u like to take up the offer?

Flaker: I’d be more than delighted to, thank you ever so much!!! This is incredibly sweet of you, I’d be happy to repay you however I can!

Arson: u can repay me by never calling me sweet in this group chat ever again
Arson: see u in a couple hours
Arson: take some time to sleep till then 8)

Nyasta: …
Nyasta: Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

Shit Storm: ???
Shit Storm: What now??? Is it really so hard to accept a surprisingly domestic moment?

Nyasta: Yes actually. Yes it is.
Nyasta: Our most recent chats have been full of moronic screaming, stupid debates, and people getting hurt.
Nyasta: Forgive me for worrying that the worst of today is still to come.

Captain crook: no, i dont think we will. and stop being self aware its creepy

Locked Picker: There’s No Need To Threat, Nastya! We Should Accept Our Spiffing Little Happy Ending, All Tied Neatly With A Bow!

Migraine Or The Highgraine: What colour is it?

Locked Picker: Red! Like Blood!

Migraine Or The Highgraine: That colour is a classic. ( ◠‿◠ )

Arson: im not even gonna pretend i understand ur metaphors or whatever that is
Arson: but have a little more faith in me Nastya
Arson: smh

Tuesday, 15:36

Arson: aight its too late for the lovely elderly couple downstairs but anyone who isnt home should stay away for a few hours

Nyasta: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SET AN APARTMENT ON FIRE MAKING INSTANT NOODLES?!

Chapter Text

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

Nyasta: I know this may sound oddly random but do you guys mind if I show some screenshots of our chats to a friend of mine?
Nyasta: It’s fine to say no but I feel she’d enjoy hearing a few stories of ours.

Captain crook: you have friends?

Arson: BALEH7#|NWPO WHEEZE

Nyasta: Haha very funny.
Nyasta: Believe it or not, I do actually know people outside of this apartment.

Captain crook: i dont believe it actually

Shit Storm: Which friend and which screenshots?

Nyasta: You wouldn’t know her, and I had a few events in mind.
Nyasta: Namely The Toy Soldier’s persisted breaking and entering, the absolute fuckery that was February 24th, and maaaaaybe that comment about you and Jonny making out.

Migraine Or The Highgraine: If you wish to send anything from that ridiculous night, may you please leave my messages out?
Migraine Or The Highgraine:That wasn’t one of my grandest moments. _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

Nyasta: Of course.

Arson: we should probably wait until all of us are online
Arson: get everyones boundaries n all

Nyasta: Mm, fair.

Shit Storm: Im not sure. I dont really want that screenshot about me and Jonny getting to people we know and i doubt he does either

Captain crook: yeeeeeeeah we kinda want some privacy for that one

Nyasta: Well like I mentioned, there’s really no chance you’d know her. She lives VERY far away. Still, if you don’t want those messages being shared then I’ll delete the screenshot.

Shit Storm: Cheers.

Captain crook: now hold just a minute sis

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Oh dear. (O_O)

Arson: haha nas u know ur in for it when he calls u that

Nyasta: …I feel as though I definitely shouldn’t ask, but… what’s wrong?

Captain crook: you say this friend of yours lives far away?
Captain crook: and am i right in guessing S H E has blue hair and pronounce?

Nyasta: Black hair, actually. As beautiful as the night sky, perhaps more so.

Captain crook: SIMP. YOURE A SIMP.

Shit Storm: Oooooohhhh fuck this isnt about HER is it?

Nyasta: Shit.

Captain crook: i havent got a clue what youre on about tim
Captain crook: after all, we theres no need to give our permission for nastya to share photos to someone who DOESNT EXIST.

Nyasta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
Nyasta: AURORA IS A REAL PERSON!

Captain crook: HA I FUCKING KNEW IT
Captain crook: @Locked Picker @Lightweight @Heavyweight @Flaker GET ONLINE RIGHT NOW, WERE HAVING AN AURORA DEBATE
Captain crook: EVERYONE TAKE YOUR POSITIONS

Locked Picker: Oh Jolly Good! It’s Been Far Too Long Since We Last Played This Game.

Flaker: Bother.
Flaker: On one hand, we’ve broken our longest streak of not fighting over this and that is something to be mourned.
Flaker: But on the other, I am incredibly bored and need something to entertain me, so this will suffice.

Lightweight: ???

Midweight: Wh4t the fuck is 4n 4uror4 deb4te?

Lightweight: Are we Talking ab0ut Sleeping Beauty?

Captain crook: no???

Shit Storm: Oh shit wait
Shit Storm: You two are newish to the group
Shit Storm: Guys have we ever had an Aurora debate with them???

Arson: uuuuum
Arson: oh shit now that i think about it im not sure we have

Flaker: That checks out. Like I said, we had a ceasefire.

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Does anyone mind if I explain it? It’s always nice explaining the rules to anything (after all, they are only meant for breaking.)

Captain crook: you cant explain jackshit youre on team aurora

Migraine Or The Highgraine: That’s not a rule, Jonny.

Captain crook: WE DONT HAVE ANY RULES

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Therefore there’s no rule saying you have the right to stop me. (￣∇￣)
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Aurora Debates are disputes where we argue over the hypothetical existence of Nastya’s girlfriend, Aurora.

Midweight: SHE H4S 4 GIRLFRIEND?!

Lightweight: Aaaah!!! I didn’t kn0w y0u have a girlfriend, Nastya!
Lightweight: I’d l0ve to meet her! H0w l0ng have y0u been t0gether?

Captain crook: since carmilla gave us unrestricted internet access when we were kids

Lightweight: HUH
Lightweight: Y0U HAVE AN 0 N L I N E GIRLFRIEND?!

Captain crook: from russia

Lightweight: AWES0ME!!!

Midweight: Fucking hell, how h4ve we never he4rd of her before?

Arson: because she isnt real

Nyasta: YES SHE IS.

Flaker: It’s more that we have a few concerns about her.

Shit Storm: No it’s not.
Shit Storm: Youre the only one whos actually worried about Nastyas safety and although i respect that i cant say anyone else is
Shit Storm: We only want to prove that shes gonna die a virgin

Locked Picker: Not True! I Think Miss Aurora Is As Real As Something Like Air!!!

Arson: u cant see air

Locked Picker: I.
Locked Picker: I Assure You Air Is Real, Reilly.

Arson: then why do i have assmar
Arson: explain that

Migraine Or The Highgraine: It’s called Asthma.

Arson: girl i thought you were here to give exposition not be an auto correct system

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Alright, fuck you too. (｀_´)ゞ
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Ignoring that, I suppose we ought to move onto the topic of teams.
Migraine Or The Highgraine: There are two of them: Team Aurora VS Team Discord Kitten.

Lightweight: BWPMWEKKWABE W H A T

Captain crook: the best team is named that because thats what nastya is

Nyasta: I’m going to smack you.

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Team Aurora believes that she is a real person and consists of me, The Toy Soldier, and of course, Nastya
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Team Discord Kitten fights to prove us wrong and consists of Jonny, Ashes, Tim, and Brian.

Lightweight: In that case I’m certainly 0n Team Aur0ra!

Captain crook: OH COME ON

Shit Storm: Thats not fair! You havent heard either side yet!

Lightweight: S0? If Nastya really has a girlfriend, wh0 am I t0 cast d0ubt 0n that? I’m 0nly g0nna wish the best f0r them!
Lightweight: H0nestly J0nny, I’d have th0ught y0u w0uld supp0rt y0ur sister

Captain crook: my 👏 sister 👏 is 👏 a 👏 liar 👏

Arson: well what about marius? raph just balanced the team numbers so u can be the one to help shift numbers back to our side again

Locked Picker: Or Our Side! :{D

Flaker: Our side.

Midweight: Cr4p this is 4 lot of pressure uuuuum…
Midweight: Why don’t I listen to both sides first?

Shit Storm: YES. Does this mean we can finally get onto the fun part?!

Arson: u bet

Shit Storm: WOOOOO DEBATE TIME
Shit Storm: Can we go first?

Nyasta: …Fine. The floor is yours.

Captain crook: bet
Captain crook: first and foremost, nastya always gets flustered when you bring up how she and aurora ‘met’
Captain crook: could it be because she is embarrassed by their origin story? OR BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SHES BEEN CAUGHT IN A LIE?!

Nyasta: Because I’m embarrassed by it. I love my dearest Aurora more than the world itself, but I can’t deny than we met through… ‘cringey’ events.

Midweight: How.
Midweight: How did you meet her?

Nyasta: That’s not important.

Captain crook: nge roleplay
Captain crook: they met through their fucking evasonas when she was 14

Discord kitten: SO YOU ADMIT WE MET EACH OTHER!
Discord kitten: F u c k i n g -
Discord kitten: JONNY. STOP CHANGING MY NAME TO THAT EVERY TIME WE DO THIS!

Captain crook: gottem

Midweight: Hold on.
Midweight: Do.
Midweight: Do you w4tch NGE 4s well?!

Discord kitten: .
Discord kitten: You watch Neon Genesis Evangelion too?

Midweight: YE4H IT’S MY FAVOURITE THING EVER

Lightweight: Bitch what ab0ut me and Ivy?

Midweight: Come b4ck to me when you c4n pilot 4 mech.

Migraine Or The Highgraine: BWAHAHAHAHA OUCH OKAY.

Midweight: Ngl now I might h4ve to join Te4m 4urora purely so I c4n w4tch the show with someone.

Locked Picker: We’d Welcome You With Open Arms! :{D

Shit Storm: Oh for fucks sake

Locked Picker: Can I Have A Go Now? Please?

Discord kitten: Go right ahead.

Locked Picker: :{D
Locked Picker: I Chose This Team Because I Think The Story Behind It Is Ever So Spiffing!
Locked Picker: Knowing That Two People Can Be Separated By Miles Of Land But Still Connect With So Much Joy And Passion Is Truly Inspiring!
Locked Picker: It Somewhat Reminds Me Of Me And Angel!

Arson: didnt you 2 break up

Locked Picker: It Ended On Good Terms! We Still Get Tea Together During The Holidays! :{)

Captain crook: so you only believe aurora is real is because you like the story behind her?
Captain crook: i apologise but thats not a valid reason

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Why not? What would be the problem with that?
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Regardless of wether Aurora is real or not, what changes? We’re still going to have these debates, Nastya is still going to ‘simp’ for something, (I can’t believe I just said that), Jonny is still going to prove himself to be intellectually stunted every time she’s mentioned.
Migraine Or The Highgraine: If the outcome won’t change regardless of which story is true, then why not believe in the one we prefer? ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Captain crook: 1. stop reading life of pi youre getting addicted
Captain crook: 2. if you want to follow that logic then we can just as easily say that team discord kittens perspective is the right one

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Shoot.

Flaker: I don’t think anyone is particularly winning Marius over right now.

Midweight: 4ffirm4tive.

Captain crook: then why dont you have a go if youre such a smartarse

Flaker: I will. I will do that.
Flaker: I for one don’t doubt that Nastya is talking to someone online, but I’m worried that she might not be talking to who she thinks she is.
Flaker: You know I never mean any offence Nastya, but it’s so easy to lie on the internet and pretend to be someone you aren’t. I’m always so concerned that a bad person could be luring you in.

Discord kitten: Brian, I do honestly thank you for your worries. I’m glad to know someone here actually gives a shit about my safety and I think your fears are the most valid reason anyone on your team has for choosing your stance.
Discord kitten: But for the last fucking time, ALL OF YOU HAVE SEEN ME TALK TO AURORA ON FACE CAM.
Discord kitten: SEVERAL TIMES.

Lightweight: I’M D0NE. I’M ACTUALLY D0NE. ALL 0F Y0U ARE IDI0TS

Midweight: D4MMIT HOW H4VE WE MISSED OUT ON THIS L4DY’S EXISTENCE FOR SO LONG?!

Discord kitten: She’s usually only available around the time you two usually leave the apartment for your weirdly violent jogging routine.

Midweight: R4cing e4ch other 4nd sometimes getting into fist fights to get we4ken the competition does not m4ke them weird.

Discord kitten: Sure thing./
Discord kitten: But everyone else has SPOKEN with my darling, so I don’t get why some of them keep denying her existence!

Arson: couldve been a friend of urs playing pretend

Shit Storm: Couldve been a bot

Flaker: Someone could have hired her to act in ‘Aurora’s’ place and get to you!

Discord kitten: To get to me.

Flaker: To get to you.

Discord kitten: All the way from Russia.

Flaker: All the way from Russia.

Captain crook: do you even hear yourself nastya? everyone knows russians arent real smh

Discord kitten: Jonny. I am Russian.

Captain crook: nu uh

Discord kitten: The fuck you mean nu-uh?!

Captain crook: im your brother and im not any type of russian, so how would you be? explain that

Discord kitten: I’m literally adopted?

Captain crook: so am i but im not russian

Discord kitten: I hate that I can’t tell if you’re taking the mick or genuinely that moronic.

Shit Storm: Can i just say that regardless of if that woman you talk to on facecam is Aurora or not, Jonny is probably more sexy than her and im not even sure he knows what a hairbrush is
Shit Storm: So
Shit Storm: Get ratio’ed

Captain crook: >:]

Midweight: Tim this is 4uror4 deb4te not flirt with your boyfriend hours.

Arson: o i genuinely forgot u were a part of this conversation

Midweight: Ow.
Midweight: I’ve been judging you silently. Figuring out wh4t te4m I will be 4 p4rt of.

Locked Picker: Splendid!!! Have You Come To A Decision?

Midweight:
Midweight:
Midweight: No.

Captain crook: WHAT

Discord kitten: Tell me you’re joking!

Midweight: He4r me out he4r me out!
Midweight: I’ll 4dmit that I’m more convinced by te4m discord kitten right now.

Captain crook: SUCK IT NASTYA

Midweight: But my best friends 4re on team 4uror4! I don’t re4lly believe th4t she exists but I’m more prone to go 4long with wh4tever they’re doing.

Lightweight: Aaaww, s0ftie!

Migraine Or The Highgraine: ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Discord kitten: Take that, Jonny.

Captain crook: he just said hes not on your team

Discord kitten: He’s not on yours either, dumbass.

Captain crook: technicalities schmechnicalities

Discord kitten: Oh piss off!

Locked Picker: I, For One, Don’t See The Problem With This! The Teams Are Balanced Now, That Makes The Game More Fair!

Arson: exactly
Arson: playing fair is dull

Flaker: Nastya’s safety shouldn’t be a game! I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.

Lightweight: Are we g0ing t0 ign0re the multiple face times?

Shit Storm:Yes

Lightweight: Fair en0ugh.

Discord kitten: No it’s not!
Discord kitten: Listen. Once again, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate you looking out for me. And I’d like to imagine that this is your team’s weird way of doing the same thing and not just bullying me.

Captain crook: in your dreams

Discord kitten: Shut up.
Discord kitten: But I’m an adult just like everyone else. I’ve done my research over the years, and I’m taking responsibility for my own safety and making sure I can trust what Aurora says.
Discord kitten: And I can say with confidence that everything lines up.
Discord kitten: Maintaining a long distance relationship like ours isn’t always easy when I know I can’t hold her yet, and it doesn’t get any less difficult when I constantly have my brother and friends meddling with it. I just want to have a little more independence in my own life. Is that really so much to ask for?

Migraine Or The Highgraine: Of course not, Nastya.
Migraine Or The Highgraine: Maybe having these ‘debates’ is more of an invasion of privacy than we first realised. ヽ(￣д￣;)ノ

Captain crook: absolutely not
Captain crook: im not going to stop pestering her until she admits that she made the whole thing up!

Discord kitten: WILL YOU GIVE IT A BREAK?!?

Arson: alright alright alright is it time for a cease fire

Flaker: It just might be. Hopefully we can set another record this time.

Midweight: Sounds like 4 pl4n to me. I’ve got 4n ess4y to write.

Captain crook: HEY HEY HEY I DONT AGREE TO THIS

Discord kitten: Neither do I!

Shit Storm: Whos the older sibling

Captain crook is offline
Discord kitten is offline

Shit Storm: Works every time

Midweight: Cow4rds.

Chapter Text

The Three Musketears

The Best 0ne: And that’s why c0c0nut water is alm0st identical t0 human bl00d
The sm4ll one: Th4t is f4scin4ting. Doesn’t m4ke you 4ny less ins4ne.

Friday, 10:05

And Ivy: (￣ー￣)
And Ivy: Do you two remember the deal we made last night? The deal about waking me up if I slept in?
And Ivy: Now then. Do you also see what the time stamp above these messages says?
And Ivy: Because I am going to give you one small hint: it does not say 7:45. (｀_´)ゞ
And Ivy: Even Jonny appears to have made it to class! JONNY! Do you have any idea how hard I’ve worked to maintain 100% punctuality? Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)

The Best 0ne: IVY 0H MY G0SH YES
The Best 0ne: MY SAVI0UR!
The Best 0ne: 0PEN THE 0THER GR0UP CHAT PLEASE!!

And Ivy: I will only do so if you can give me at least one good reason why I shouldn’t ignore it and get to my lecture.

The Best 0ne: Marius is crying

And Ivy: …Admittedly that is an objectively spectacular reason. (°_°)

Your Friendly Neighbourhood College Dropouts

Migraine or the Highgraine: What did Jonny do this time?

Migraine or the Highgraine: What did Jonny do this time?

Locked Picker: Ivy! :{D

Captain crook: IVY

Arson: the single braincell arrives

Tim: I think you mean the second

discord kitten: Ignore him Ivy he does NOT get to talk.

Migraine or the Highgraine: Again, what happened? Where are you all located?

discord kitten: I’ll answer. It’s simple, really. Just as simple as the simpletons who put us in this predicament!
discord kitten: We’re in the lift. The lift is not moving. This is because a set of idiots couldn’t comprehend the absolute objective fact that jumping at the same time WHILST IT WAS MOVING was the most moronic decision of their painfully stupid lives!

Shit Storm: Ivy it was Jonny

Captain crook: IT WAS SOLDIER

Locked Picker: Tim Did It!

Lightweight: D0 y0u see why we’ve made n0 pr0gress with0ut y0u?

Migraine or the Highgraine: I see. That is definitely an unfortunate predicament for you, Raphaella. You have my deepest sympathies. Where is Brian? (・・?)

Arson: crying

Migraine or the Highgraine: That is a verb and not a noun, but I appreciate your input nonetheless. What about Marius?

Arson: crying even harder weirdly enough???

Migraine or the Highgraine: Once again, Ashes, there are no nouns in that statement. A statement also does not require a question mark, let alone three.
Migraine or the Highgraine: But are they okay? T_T
Migraine or the Highgraine: Especially Marius.

Flaker: 🖕

Captain crook: WHO CARES ABOUT SPELLING JUST GET US OUT OF HERE
Captain crook: IF I DONT PISS IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES IM GOING TO GET A FUCKING BLADDER INFECTION

Migraine or the Highgraine: Right, of course! Sorry Jonny. (;_;)
Migraine or the Highgraine: Although I do not quite know what you want me to do. Nastya is the mechanic.

discord kitten: Yes, but I can’t reach my arm behind the control panels without Marius whinging even more.

Lightweight: 0h my g0sh leave him al0ne

Migraine or the Highgraine: Ooohh yeah don’t do that. (._.) Have you not tried the emergency help button yet?

Flaker: THASTS WHAT JVE BEEN SAYINwG

Shit Storm: Do. do you not remember the mission to retrieve my nerf gun

Lightweight: Yeah n0ne 0f us are in the m00d t0 get arrested by a sm0l king in a high vis jacket
Lightweight: Especially n0t Marius

Flaker: IVY IM IN TGE MOOD I RDINT CAR EVEN JAIL IS BIGGER THAN THSIW TELL THEM

Migraine or the Highgraine: I won’t. I don’t particularly want to see you lot get arrested either. It would be terribly boring without Raphaella.
Migraine or the Highgraine: I do have one solution left in mind. (*^▽^*)

Lightweight: I hate t0 be the bearer 0f bad news, but y0ur flute still d0esn’t c0unt as a weap0n
Lightweight: Neither d0es the euph0nium
Lightweight: 0r the rec0rder

Migraine or the Highgraine: This may be hard to believe, but my solution is not using my instruments as weapons.
Migraine or the Highgraine: That is a privilege reserved for you and Marius. And occasionally Jonny. （╹◡╹）
Migraine or the Highgraine: I am going to fetch the ACTUAL solution now! ( ◠‿◠ )

Captain crook: YOU BETTER
IM NOT MISSING ANY ALCOHOL FOR THIS

Shit Storm: Its not even midday

Nicknames have been revoked

ashes: o what the hell
ashes: rood

Tim: NOOOOO

Captain crook: what the fuck was that for?

Ivy Alexandria: This is context.

Nastya: For what?

D. Carmilla has entered the chat

Ivy Alexandria: *For who?

Ella: Ivy I d0n’t think any w0rds in the 0xf0rd dicti0nary c0uld explain just h0w l0udly every0ne is screaming. What have y0u d0ne?

Ivy Alexandria: She is the landlord. She will know what to do. ╰(*´︶`*)╯

D. Carmilla: I’ll say it again so everyone can be my witness: that is a very bold assumption, Ivy.
D. Carmilla: So from what I’ve been told, you’re all trapped in the lift?

Nastya: No.

Captain crook: YES

Nastya: *Yes

Captain crook: no

Ashes: great job

Tim: Yep. I think we need some assistance Jonny looks like hes going to explode if he doesnt reach a toilet soon

Ashes: no leave us this is funny

TS: Don’t Do That! Brian And Marius Are Making Me Sad. :{(

Brian Below: fk off

D. Carmilla: Fuck’s sake.
D. Carmilla: I will work on this momentarily. Right now I’m just interested in reading what happened the other night

Marius Vincent Raum: Wh4t

Ella: 0h y0u really d0n’t have t0 d0 that!!!

D. Carmilla: Maybe not. But I’m doing so regardless

Nastya: Auntie. Please recall that I am not involved

Jonny: OR ME.

D. Carmilla: Interesting. It is not a surprise that you started the fire, Ashes, though I am shocked Tim collaborated. It does explain the ‘Shit Storm’ nick name though.

Tim: This has nothing to do with opening this lift!!!

D. Carmilla: Natasha. You broke that window?

TS: I Dunno.
TS: I mean. Who Is Natasha? :{?

Ashes: im not taking credit 4 that ‘lie’ that was awful

D. Carmilla: I must say I’m not exactly happy with any of you

jonny: AGAIN IM NOT INVOLVED

D. Carmilla: And you’re still not off the hook for ruining that funeral

jonny: i thought it was a wedding!

D. Carmilla: Obviously I wouldn’t get rid of my family (well. Nastya, at least), but can any one of you give me a reason why I shouldn’t have you removed from the premises after this?
It’s not exactly legal to keep you all in that flat in the first place.

ashes: not really lol

Ella: Hmm
Ella: If y0u get rid 0f us, wh0’s g0ing t0 st0p J0nny and Nastya fr0m clawing at each 0ther’s thr0ats every day?

D. Carmilla: …I must admit you have a point there.
D. Carmilla: Fine. I’ll keep you lot around. SO LONG as nothing like this happens again.
D. Carmilla: Just hold on for a moment.

Ivy Alexandria: Oh goodness me. Um.
Ivy Alexandria: I do not mean to cause you any alarm but you might find her sooner than expected.

Tim: What the is hell that buzzing noise?

Ivy Alexandria: Carmilla.
Ivy Alexandria: She took a chainsaw with her. (･x･)

ashes: SHES CARVING THIS THING OPEN?

Ivy Alexandria: Yes. (._.)

jonny: oh not general spielsdorf

Ivy Alexandria: She named it?（−＿−；）

Nastya: Where do you think Jonny got his weirdness from?

Ivy Alexandria: Ashes?

ashes: lmaaaaaooooooo

Ivy Alexandria: Hm. I think I should be concerned for the well-being of Carmilla’s throat if I can hear her shouting from all the way up the top of this building.
Ivy Alexandria: But I assume this means she’s taken care of it?
Ivy Alexandria: Is that a yes? (;_;)
Ivy Alexandria: After all, I do need to get to my lecture.
Ivy Alexandria: In fact I do believe I should do that now. I do genuinely hate to leave you all at Carmilla’s fury but I do hope the day proceeds far more jubilantly for you. And Marius, I hope you feel better soon. Brian too for good measure. Goodbye. ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡╰(*´︶`*)╯♡╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Bird Brain (endearing)

Friday, 13:02

I: Do you know if Marius is alright? I’ve been worried sick all day. _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

Bird Brain: I think s0? The chainsaw and sh0uting didn’t exactly help things but I think Carmilla felt bad f0r him and Brian? She just s0rt 0f t00k them with her f0r brunch 0r s0mething

I: I see. I will not lie, I am surprised to learn our landlord has empathy, but it is not a bad shock.
I: Just send him my love if you see him before I get back, okay?
I: And the Toy Soldier also? It keeps texting me about how guilty it feels.

Bird Brain: 0f c0urse! <3
Bird Brain: I cann0t see that c0medically backfiring against us and fueling hilari0us antics in any way, shape, 0r f0rm in the future

I: What