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"She wasn't there." Aged eyes crinkle shut.
A pause, and then a sigh. The younger man sets down his expresso, "It took you that long to realize?"
"Mm." The elder man replies, staring down into the carmel brown liquid swirling around his spoon as he focuses on anywhere but the man sitting ahead from him.
All he's offered is a warm smile, sheepishly tapping the wooden table. "You know, it's been a long time, wouldn't you want to meet–"
"–Don't. I'm not worthy."
The chatter of the other patrons broke what would've been a heavy silence.
"Neither am I." His smile fell away, and the elder man realizes- no, remembers, everything he put his son through. All of which led to him manteling everything and everyone all at once.
All their hopes, and all their dreams.
Fears.
Hate...
Loneliness...
It's a miracle his son became a man, much less lived.
Gendou was not a man like his son, "Maybe neither of us are, but the difference between you and me is you still have her."
"... Maybe. Don't you remember that day when we visited her grave?"
"... I remember."
"You told me you burned everything you had of hers, all her photos, all her possessions–" Shinji fished inside of his pocket, "– But there is one thing you never were able to destroy." Holding out the small SDAT player in his hand, the younger man held out the device to his father to take.
Staring at it impassively, the two men shared something more tense than just familial relations. The smile his son now gave him despite everything he's done... It harmed him in a way greater than anything since Yui. He could still remember, when his son was a child he couldn't wait to get away from him and back into her loving arms, she loved him, Shinji loved her more than he could ever love a man like him.
Gendo would not accept it, averting his eyes and failing to hide the quivering of his lip. "I do not deserve such things, my actions have only lead to misery." He declares, shutting his eyes. "There is nothing left of me or Yui in this world, it is best we both die now and be forgotten."
Shinji squeezes the SDAT before setting it down, his lips curling into a frown. The weight of the world on his lips, he spoke. "I am still here." Pressing a hand against his chest, Shinji pushes his glasses back as Gendo snaps his glossy eyes towards him, each portraying subtle emotions a young boy could never see.
"She lives in me, father... and so do you."
His mouth is dry, "... All I've done is brought you misery and pain. I thought that the paradise waiting for us would justify the means, that the devil's hand couldn't burn any hotter than the hell I already lived in. And for what?" He spoke almost as a whisper, his aging vocal cords missing the famous baritone of his younger self.
Shinji blinks slowly, "But you came back."
"... I came back."
Despite everything, he rejected every world he could be happy in because the paradise he was promised could only be formed from the abstractions of his own mind and memory. The real Yui could never be found in a dream.
Looking at the man across from him now, Gendou realized that she could be found someplace else.
The door to the cafe shingles open, two voices both loud and shrill make their presence known.
"Idiot Shinji?"
"Idiot papa?"
The man across from him smiles, Gendo nearly feels enraged at the idea of his son being capable of the happiness he once had. But it dies instantly, when he sees Yui's face on the child draped with the red curls of her mother's mane. The young little girl smiles cheerily and rushes towards her... her father. Gendou bites his lip watching his son lift up the small girl into his lap as she laughs in glee, smiling in a way Shinji never was able to. The mother; The Second Child, leans over and wraps her arms around Shinji's neck while glaring at Gendo.
And then the family is silent, Shinji whispers something to the child and Gendo nearly breaks underneath the curious gaze she's giving him. The same gaze Shinji gave him when he first told him that he was leaving, moments before he truly understood...
"Meet your grandfather, Gendou Ikari." He says.
The small girl gulps and slides off Shinji's lap, unsure, just like her father... Troddling up to him, Gendou can hardly focus on the couple's whispering when the tiny girl jumps right next to his seat and bounces on the balls of her feet nervously. "Hallo." She says, waving her tiny hand before stuffing it behind her like it would catch aflame being close to him.
"... Hello." Gendo chokes out, her face is almost exactly like Yui, but just as much his... Just like Shinji.
"Grandpa, meet Yui Zeppelin Ikari."
... He can feel his eyes begin to itch.
The small girl gives a small smile before leaning forward, "Charmed, huh?" She tilts her head happily, taking another step forward. Gendo only wishes to escape this reminder, couldn't Shinji tell? The reason he couldn't look at his son without contempt was because he embodied the best features of Yui and the worst features of his, the fear to be near others, and yet the kindness to endure... But Shinji overcame it, he was able to overcome... Gendo would've never been able to sit across from his own father this way, to trust his own child in the hands of–
A warmth around his finger, he stares down to see Yui, his granddaughter, tightly gripping his finger. "When papa's sad, I hold." She says, not knowing how much blood is on the very finger tip she clings onto so innocently. So unlike her father, who couldn't stand to be in his arms or even look at him for long without calling for his mother. The fact that his actions have led to this, it's anesthetic.
"And... You know, you both live in her now, too." Shinji says as if it isn't a disgusting idea.
He wants to puke.
But he doesn't pull away.
"I'm... sorry."
Shinji glanced to the woman hugging his neck, "A wise woman once told me; "stay so you can mean it."" He chuckled, eyes turning wistful "You were never alone, you don't have to run from us."
Glancing to the girl still holding onto his finger, Gendou nodded.
"She's always been with me, hasn't she?"
Gendou didn't need an answer to that question, he was no longer interested in a dream. Glancing back to the SDAT, he thought about taking it—
"Always."
... He squeezed his granddaughter's hand back, instead.