Chapter Text
“We live as we dream…alone.”
—Joseph Conrad
The house was small, like most of the houses in the colony, other than the ones built for members of The Council or the executives of the Space Agency, who pretty much ruled here.
But this one was just a normal, wood frame, two bedroom cottage. Judy was happy here. At least she was comfortable. It had been a long time since she had been happy. And she certainly wasn’t this morning.
She walked out the door into her back yard. It was small, like the house, but the grass was dark green and lush. It was surrounded on both sides by a wooden privacy fence, and in the back along the alley, a full hedge, not high enough to keep people from looking over it, but it was getting there. She liked her privacy.
She slammed the door behind her, but it opened again and Don West walked out. “Judy, talk to me,” he said.
She wheeled around and faced him. “Why did you come back here, Don?” She asked.
“To see you.”
“You haven’t seen me in two years. Why is it so Goddamn important now? What we had is in the past. Exactly where it should be.”
“Judy, I missed you. I wanted to see you. But it’s not just that.”
“Then what is it?” She demanded.
“I saw your dad.”
She didn’t answer at first, then she said, “My dad’s dead. He died almost twenty five years ago.”
“You know who I mean.”
“John Robinson is not my dad. John Robinson was never my dad.”
Don heard the pain in her voice, and wished more than anything he could do something to ease it. But those days were long past.
“He’s not doing well,” Don said. “I think he needs to see you, Judy. I would have gone to see Penny, but…do you know where she is?”
“No. I haven’t seen her in months. I woke up one morning and she was asleep on the couch. She looked like she hadn’t slept in a real bed in weeks. I tried to give her some credits, but she wouldn’t take them. She stayed for a few hours then left, and I haven’t seen her since. What do you mean Dad…John…isn’t doing well?”
“On my last trip to Earth I had to run a transport out West and he was at Nellis. It’s practically the front now. Almost the entire state is a war zone. I asked if anyone had heard any news of him. I knew he was leading a SEAL Team again, and I figured, knowing your dad…”
“John,” She corrected him.
“Knowing your dad he would be in the mix somewhere.” She didn’t correct him this time. “And he just happened to be there at the base for a few days. He had been in the San Gabriel Mountains and was wounded pretty badly and had to be medevacked out.”
“How is he?” She asked, trying to sound monotone, and hide the concern in her voice.
“He’ll live. He had almost recovered by the time I saw him. That’s not the problem. He’s…he needs to see someone in the family. I think…I think he wants to die out there. He keeps going back. They said the last year and a half he’s returned again and again, leading teams to the mountains. Normally two tours and they pull them. But he refuses to leave.”
“Don, why are you still trying to keep us together? None of us give a shit. Dad’s been gone since the end of our first year on Alpha, Mom works all the time; Penny has gone off the deep end and it won’t surprise me if they find her dead some morning. I…” She stopped talking.
“You’re going to work yourself to death. You and your mom both.”
“Is that what happened with us? Me and you?” She asked. “It’s not like you ever really said why you just had to leave.”
“Judy, I tried. I…couldn’t help you, and I couldn’t stand to watch what you had become.”
“You tried. Just not hard enough.”
“Judy…”
“I fucking loved you Don.”
“I know. And I loved you. I still love you. I just…I couldn’t watch what you were doing to yourself.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“When you guys found me I saw how broken you all were. I didn’t know your brother. But I could see how what had happened to him destroyed you. And, I just thought you were worth saving.”
“Well, we weren’t. We were when Will was with us, but after he died…”
“But people die. Families adjust and move on. They never get over it, but they move on the best they can. But not you guys. It’s been more than three years ago.”
“Well, Don, it’s like you said. You didn’t know Will. But it’s more than that. More than how good he was. He knew. He always knew something would happen to him. I think he knew something would happen to all of us. But he went along anyway. Trying to be brave for everyone else. In the end, he was right. And…it was the way he died too. It didn’t have to happen.”
“But he saved you. With the battery.”
“Yeah. He did. That doesn’t make it any better. I was looking down at him. In his eyes. He was so frightened. And he pushed the battery up, and told me and Dad he would be able to climb better without it. So I grabbed the battery and handed it up to Da…John. Then Will said his foot was caught. And…I just knew he sacrificed himself for us. That he already knew his foot was caught, and he was going to die there, but he wanted to make sure we survived. He refused to drop the battery. If he had just dropped the Goddamned battery. If he had just…” Now she couldn’t hold back the tears.
“Judy,” Don started to walk toward her.
“Just don’t…don’t touch me!” She wanted him to touch her so badly. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her like he used to when she was like this. She wanted him to tell her it would be okay, and he would always be there. She wanted him to tell her she would never be alone. But she backed away from him.
“Judy, if Will had dropped the battery, you probably all would have died.”
“No. We would have found a way. We always found a way. My family back then—before you knew us—we were survivors. We were a team. And we stuck together. I told Will that one time. When he was afraid he hadn’t passed the test to come to Alpha. He said he would have to stay behind. I threw my manuals away, and told him I would borrow his when they came in, because he was going with us. Because Robinson’s always stick together. I told him it was written in stone. But I was wrong. Robinsons don’t always stick together. Just look at us now. He was the glue, Don. He held us together. We didn’t know that back then, but we do now. We were survivors. But when he pushed the battery up to me and fell back, it wasn’t just him that died. We all died that day. Everything we were died.”
“But Judy…your dad…”
“He’s not my dad, Don. But he was Will’s Dad. And the most important thing he could have done was protect his children. Especially the most vulnerable. Especially Will. I would have. I tried. But John stopped me.”
“Judy…I know it was bad…”
“You don’t know a damn thing about it. You weren’t there. Let me tell you how it was. My eleven year old brother was so afraid of everything. So afraid to go to space. And my…John…made him put that damn suit on and jump in the water. And when Will had to make the choice to drop the battery and live, or save his family by pushing the battery up to me and die…that’s when he decided to be brave.
“I can still see his eyes as he floated down into that freezing water. He was crying, but he was no longer afraid. That’s the weirdest thing. He said, ‘It’s okay, Judy. It’s okay.’ Comforting me. Do you fucking believe that? My eleven year old brother. The kindest human I have ever met, was comforting me in the last seconds of his life.
“And then he was gone. Just…gone.” She paused to wipe her eyes.
“We were there on top of the ship. John had jumped down in the water with me. His suit had a tear in it, so he didn’t have long. But he jumped down anyway. When Will fell back in the water we stayed there, on the top of the Jupiter for so long. He almost died, I think. John I mean, because of the hole in the suit. So I helped him up to the top. That’s the last thing I ever did for him. And it will be the last thing I ever do for him.
“We climbed out and we were on our knees, all of us. Mom and Penny were there too on the ice, looking back into the hole. And I looked at him…at John…and I said, ‘you killed my little brother.”
“Judy…” Don said.
“Those were the last words I ever spoke to him. The man who raised me. Who did everything for me. I looked at him and said, ‘you killed my little brother.’ Then I stood up and walked back by the tent. I sat down and wrapped my arms around my knees, and pulled them to my chest and just sat there. Not crying. Not talking to anyone. Not thinking. Just sitting.
“My mom’s leg was broken and when she started to stand, and John tried to help her, she said, ‘get your goddamn hands off me!’
“Penny helped her and while they were walking back over to the tent, my mom looked at John—he was still on his knees on the ice—there by himself staring down into that hole he put my little brother in. And Mom said, ‘why don’t you find a way to get my little boy out of that hole? He’s…he’s all alone.’
“And that was it. That was the end of my family. That’s how it was.
“Oh, Penny tried once we got here. You know. You were there then, Don.”
“I know,” Don said. “She talked to me all the time back then, when she practically lived at our house. She thought there was hope. She thought between her and I, we could fix it with you and your dad. She even held out hope that your mother would forgive him, she said. What happened to her? Did she finally give up when she decided your Dad wasn’t coming back?”
“No, Don. She gave up when you left. You’re right, up until then she was still trying. But Mom was always distant, and you and I were her only family. She loved you too, Don. But when you and I broke up, she moved out of Mom’s house. I asked her to stay with me, but she didn’t want to. She blamed me for you leaving. The last two years she’s been staying with boyfriends or girlfriends or whoever would let her sleep on a couch for a few weeks at a time, I guess. But I go months without seeing her now.”
“I’m sorry, Judy. I’m really sorry. But if you could have seen your dad…”
“He’s not my dad Don, my little brother is gone, my little sister is practically gone, my mom has crawled inside herself, and you are no longer a part of my life. Get the fuck out of here!”
Don just looked back at her. Then he sighed. “I love you, Judy,” he said. He hesitated, then walked back to the house.
Judy turned then toward the alley and…she stared directly at Will, who was watching over the hedge. “What the hell are you looking at?” She said.