Work Text:
There was a day, not long after Shawn’s first panic attack where Jack was there to comfort him, when Shawn simply couldn’t leave his bed. Shawn wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. He just couldn’t find the motivation to move. It was a Saturday, so it wasn’t even like he had school for a reason to get up. So, he just didn’t.
It had been a gradual decline into depression, but no one really noticed. Not even Shawn himself. After all, no one knew to look for it.
Shawn could hear Jack and Eric moving around the apartment, laughing and joking with each other, but he felt no motivation to join them. It’s not like they would want him to anyway. It’s not like they even wanted Shawn here at all.
Shawn tried to reason with himself. “Jack didn’t have to invite me to stay here. He could just as easily left me with…” Shawn had been speaking out loud to himself, but then, he went silent as thoughts of Chet Hunter overwhelmed him. His father hitting him, abandoning him, telling him that he was worthless.
He couldn’t help but believe it. He sucked at school. He sucked at maintaining relationships. He couldn’t understand for the life of him why Cory, and Topanga, and the Matthews’ hadn’t given up on him entirely a long time ago. Maybe he was worthless.
Maybe everything would be better if he was dead.
He shook his head to clear away the thought. He couldn’t die, even if he wanted to. Cory would be so upset that he would find a way to bring him back from the dead and he would be right back where they started, only everyone would be keeping a much closer eye on him. Upsetting Cory, the only person who had been constantly there for him his whole life, was the last thing that Shawn wanted to do. Besides, Shawn didn’t know for sure that he wanted to die. The thought had only come to him once.
But that wasn’t true.
This wasn’t the first time he had thought about death. He had thought about it a lot over the years, but he was usually able to tune it out. Focus on something else, but today, Shawn just couldn’t clear his mind.
Shawn rolled over to stare at the wall. It was as much movement as Shawn could manage.
Then he heard a knock at the door. Shawn’s back was facing the door, so he weakly called over his shoulder, “Come in.”
Jack entered the room and was terrified to see his brother lying there the way that he was. “Shawnie, are you okay?”
Shawn only shook his head no in reply.
Shawn flipped onto his back, so that he could look at Jack, who sat next to him on the bed. His brother Jack, who seemed to be worried about him. Shawn didn’t know why Jack cared. After all, Shawn was useless.
Jack pulled Shawn out of his head by placing his hand on Shawn’s forehead. Testing for a fever? Maybe that was why Shawn felt so terrible.
“Normal,” Jack said, muttering to himself as he pulled his hand away. Shawn longed for the physical contact back. Jack, noticing this, gently grabbed his brother’s hand.
It was then that he realized what was probably going on with Shawn.
Jack had a friend back in high school who had depression. This friend had described the feeling as ‘a complete lack of motivation to do anything at all, even if you know it would help you’. That seemed to be what Shawn was feeling right now.
“How do you feel?” Jack asked his little brother.
“I don’t know. Bad.”
“Have you eaten anything yet today?” Jack asked, even though he knew the answer already.
“I’m not hungry,” Shawn said in response.
“That wasn’t what I asked, Shawnie,” Jack said, squeezing his brother’s hand affectionately.
“No. I haven’t,” Shawn answered honestly.
“You should eat something.”
“I’m not hungry,” Shawn insisted, despite the fact that he can feel his stomach calling out to be filled. Jack heard his brother’s stomach grumble, so he cocked an eyebrow at the boy, disbelievingly. “Fine. I just don’t have any motivation to get up to go to the kitchen and get something, okay Jack.”
Jack paused to think for a moment. Then he suggests an idea. “How about this? I get you some ice cream and you can eat that right here. Then, you can come down to the living room and I’ll make you some of my” Jack paused briefly for effect. “World Famous Pasta!” Jack said the last bit in a terrible Italian accent. Shawn couldn’t help but laugh at his brother’s antics.
“Why are you the way that you are?” Shawn asked, still laughing.
Jack just shrugged, a massive smile on his face. He had made his little brother laugh when Shawn had been feeling really bad. He had never felt more accomplished in his life. “The offer still stands. Ice cream and pasta for…” Jack glanced at his watch. It was three in the afternoon. “Linner.”
“What?”
“It’s 3:00. Too late for lunch, but too early for dinner. So, linner. Lunch and dinner, like brunch only not.”
“Why, Jack? Why?”
“I dunno, but it made you smile, so I’m okay with it.” There was a pause while Jack waited for Shawn to answer. “So, linner?” Jack asked again.
Shawn paused before answering. He knew that Jack was right and that he should eat something, preferably something sustainable, but at least something, even if he didn’t want to do so. Shawn nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Okay.”
Jack smiled and went to get Shawn some ice cream from the freezer.
When he returned, Jack gave the ice cream to his brother. As he went to leave to make the pasta, Jack said, “I’ll leave you alone for a little while while I make the sauce. I’ll be up to check on you after I put the pasta in the pot, if you’re not downstairs already. If you don’t come down by the time the food is done, I will come up and get you to come and eat, Shawn.”
“Okay,” Shawn said, taking the ice cream gratefully. He tried to remember what the school counselor had told him one of the times that he had been to see her. It was something about looking for the positive in his life, for the people who cared about him. As he ate his ice cream, Shawn made a mental list of all the people who cared about him and who he cared about.
At the top of the list was Jack.
Even if they had only met within the past couple of months, Shawn loved his brother more than almost anyone else, except Cory. Jack was the closest thing Shawn had to a real family. Shawn loved the Matthews’ and they loved him, but they were their own family unit. If they had to choose between one of their own and Shawn, they would choose their own almost every time.
But with Jack, it was different. Jack was related to him. He could have walked away and left Shawn behind, like all the rest of his genetically related family seemed to do, but Jack didn’t. Jack stayed with him, even though Shawn was a bit of an asshole in the beginning. But, even after everything that Shawn had thrown at him, Jack had stayed.
Jack stayed and Shawn loved him for it.
Then, of course, was Cory. His partner in crime, his brother-from-another-mother. The person that had always been there for him, no matter what happened, no matter how much of an asshole he was being. No matter how hard he had tried to push him away. Cory stayed too. He never even thought about leaving for a second. Shawn loved him so much.
And Topanga, who dealt with all of Shawn’s shit, even when he was being stupid. Topanga, who was an amazing and supportive friend to him. Topanga was never afraid to tell Shawn, and Cory too, when he was being an idiot. Their friendship was so important to Shawn that he didn’t know what he would do if it ever fell apart.
Then, the rest of the Matthews family. Eric, honestly probably should have had his own section in Shawn’s mind, due to his being Shawn’s roommate and all, but Eric was just so ingrained with the rest of his family in Shawn’s mind. Shawn didn’t know what else to do. But the Matthews loved him when no one else did and they protected him when he didn’t know he needed protection. They basically counted Shawn as one of their own, and Shawn loved them for it. They took him in after his dad left him to look for his mother, even if that didn’t last long.
Which led Shawn to think of his next person, Jonathan Turner. Mr. Turner who believed in Shawn when he didn’t even believe in himself. Jon who took care of Shawn and looked after him, even though he was in over his head and had no idea how to raise a teenager. Jon belonged on this list, even if Shawn hadn’t really seen him in a while. He still counted.
Lastly, Mr. Feeny. Shawn had never really thought about it before, but Mr. Feeny was more than a teacher to him. He was a mentor, someone to look up to. Sure, Shawn gave him shit for being so serious at school and for giving so much homework, but he couldn’t deny that the man cared about his well-being. Shawn could see it in the pride that Mr. Feeny would express when Shawn did something well. Yeah, Mr. Feeny cared too, even if he showed it in a different way.
By the time Shawn had finished making his list, he felt a little better about life and about himself. After all, how could so many people love someone who was completely useless? Therefore, he must not be useless after all. Shawn still felt sad, and kinda empty, but he also felt significantly less hopeless. This gave him the strength, as he finished his ice cream, to decide to join his brother in the common room. Shawn got up out of bed and went to the door, carrying the empty bowl with him.
Jack was pleasantly surprised when Shawn came down the stairs to join him. He had been afraid that he would need to drag Shawn out of bed. It was a good sign that the boy came down of his own free will.
“Hey, Shawnie,” he said, putting the sauce on the stove to simmer.
“Hi, Jackie,” Shawn said in response as he put his bowl in the sink.
Jack gave his brother a confused look. Shawn had never called Jack “Jackie” before and Jack wasn’t sure that he liked it.
Seeing the look on Jack’s face, Shawn stuck out his tongue at Jack, so that it was clear he was joking. Jack smiled and ruffled his brother’s hair.
“How are you feeling now?” Jack asked.
“Better. Not normal, but better.”
“Good,” Jack said, hugging Shawn. “I wasn’t expecting normal, I just hoped you felt a little better.”
Jack put the pasta into a pot and went to sit on the couch.
“I do,” Shawn said, sitting down next to his brother on the couch. Shawn leaned against his brother’s shoulder and said, “thanks to you.”
Jack was surprised by the comment, but he didn’t want to do anything that might upset his brother.
“What do you mean?” Jack asked anyway.
“I just…” Shawn paused for a while, trying to put his thoughts in order. “I don’t know how long it would have taken me to leave my room if you hadn’t helped me. I don’t know how bad I would have gotten.”
Tears were streaming down Shawn’s face now. Jack hugged his younger brother tightly.
Jack whispered, “I don’t know what would have happened either, Shawnie. But I do know that I will be here for you for as long as I’m alive. I love you, Shawn.”
Shawn smiled up at his brother. “I love you too, Jack.”
It was then that Shawn understood that he wouldn’t always be happy. It was just impossible. But he also knew that no matter what happened, and no matter how depressed he felt, Jack would always be there to pull Shawn into his arms and remind him that he is loved. No matter how bad things get, Jack would be there to help and support him until things got better again, even if it didn’t seem like they would ever get better.