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Tommy had always romanticized stability. He’d see people with childhood friends and feel nothing but deep envy. Why was it that they got to stay in one place for long enough to build a lifelong relationship when Tommy never stayed anywhere long enough to even make simple friends?
However, as it turns out, stability isn’t all it’s chalked up to be. You have to have it from the get-go for it to be anything worth a shit. Sure, Tommy’s been where he is for long enough to have made pretty good friends but there’s still a gap. He’s missed out on too many experiences that stability would have offered to completely mesh into whatever idea he had of what things were meant to be.
He was okay with it at first, or he was as okay as he made himself think he was, but then his uncle, Phil, had to come around with his terribly kind fatherly vibe and care . It tore Tommy into tiny bits and pieces— the ones that would take years to put back together— to see how much more Phil cared than his parents. It was unfair to compare the two situations but it was also entirely unfair that he had been raising himself for years before being shoved into Phil’s care.
Realistically, this shouldn’t even be a debate to begin with. Even if he isn’t an adult yet, he knows how to do all the big man shit. He doesn't need a parental figure, and he hasn’t for a very long time. That is if you ignore how ever time he switched schools and had to do the paperwork himself he’d cry for a solid hour before starting on it because even if he was an absolute alpha man, he never asked for any of it.
As much as it hurts to not be cared for, he thinks it may hurt a bit more to be cared about. Sometimes Phil will just do things for him entirely out of love and expect nothing in return. Phil does the same for his kids too though and it makes Tommy feel so unbelievably guilty.
In what world does he have the right to barge in on their lives and command attention and love? As much as Phil will claim he deserves it, it makes Tommy want to melt into the ground and fade away.
He knows he’s intruding, he knows if things were right and his parents were capable, then he wouldn’t even be close to the rest of his family. Sometimes when they sit down for dinner together— as a family, because that’s just what they do for each other here— everyone will talk about their day and their lives and Tommy feels so lost.
At the very end of dinner, before they all get up and go their own separate ways, they have to tell each other what their favourite part of the day was. It’s something Tommy can remember doing with his parents when he was far younger, a distant memory of those bowls that had straws attached to them and whatever else the bittersweet ring of nostalgia has to offer.
Phil always starts the question, prosing it towards Wilbur who always goes on some dramatic spiel about something his friends did, or in recent addition, his interactions with his new lab partner Sally. It’s easy to get lost in Wilbur’s stories and there’s part of Tommy that hopes the teen will further that in his future and get into writing or at least some form of creation where he can shout at the world about everything he holds dear.
The question is then asked to Techno, who is always far too tired during family dinners— but who always shows up. It takes him a moment to realize Wilbur’s turn is up before he starts on his own story. Techno’s favourite parts of the day usually are small things, like the way the weather was on the way home or a new book he’s picked up somewhere. It’s still nice to hear about these things though, because they are family and that’s what they do. They listen, they care .
No matter how long Tommy has spent in this house with these people who care, he never expects for Phil to ask him the question. But he does, and every time Tommy flushes, embarrassed at the thought of them all paying attention to him, before turning the question around to Phil.
The first time he had done it, Phil had looked pleasantly surprised, as if neither Wilbur nor Techno had ever asked him the question back. This thought used to anger Tommy, Phil works too hard to be underappreciated. He abandons the thought pretty early on, it's not meant to be any of concern.
If he dwells on it, it’ll make him bitter. Wilbur and Techno don’t have to do anything to earn Phil's affection. They’re his kids, his stupid spawn that he loves to the ends of the earth. And Tommy is nothing.
At best he's a leech, sucking to whatever morsel of affection Phil will throw his way. It's sick, Tommy's not even supposed to be here. He's meant to be with his shitty mother who didn't even care enough to raise him entirely.
Tommy learns to cope though, he learns to cope and he asks Phil what his favourite part of the day is. In the beginning, Phil would answer with small things that happened throughout the day, be it a conversation with a friend at work or an interaction with wildlife while gardening.
Things changed at some point, Phil getting far more sappy in his old age— it had been a few months at most since Tommy had moved in. Suddenly when asked the question Phil gets this strange look in his eyes and he smiles at Tommy.
“I think this is my favourite part of the day,” he says and Tommy watches him full-heartedly as his cousins finish their meals. “A nice meal with all my boys,” Phil adds for clarification and it makes Tommy’s brain malfunction.
He was certain that when Phil said ‘all his boys’ he meant all two of his boys. Tommy has the innate understanding that he’s a burden and Phil is a nice man. Nice enough to not exclude him from group things like these dinners but considering Tommy his own might be pushing it on the nice scale.
He looks over to Techno and Wilbur to see if they had any reaction but they’re still just eating. Maybe they’ve come to the same conclusion Tommy has, that he’s not included in the sentiment.
This both settles something in his stomach and kicks up something in his mind. By the time Phil asks to hear his favourite part of the day, he’s settled himself enough to spit out a quick story of Tubbo setting his hand on fire during class.
They all laugh at the story, because of course they do, Tubbo is that chaotic sort of endearing that everyone enjoys. And everything is fine after that, it really is.
Tommy helps put things away and clean the kitchen before heading back to his room. It’s all fine.
Until it’s not.
He at least makes it to his bed before everything in his heart collapses. The compartments he’d built had loosened at both Phil's words and his desire for the unconditional love Phil had for his kids. Tommy’s not made for it— unconditional love— or maybe it’s just that nobody had cared enough to love him in any other way but conditionally.
Tommy shoves his face into his pillow, hoping to hide the sound of any sobs that spill past his lips. His breath stutters when there’s a knock on the door. With wide eyes, he clambers out of bed and makes his way to the door. He makes sure to wipe his eyes before opening the door.
“You okay in here mate?” Phil asks the second the door is fully opened. Tommy, with red-rimmed eyes, sends a smile Phil's way though it more closely resembles a grimace before nodding. He doesn’t quite trust himself to speak, the feeling of barbed wire wrapped tightly around his throat does not bode well. The older blonde smiles back, though this one is far more sincere. “Do you mind if I come in?”
Tommy steps back out of the doorway, allowing enough room for Phil to just walk in. “Are you doing okay here?” Phil asks after walking into Tommy’s room. He eyes some of the posters on the wall with vague interest and no matter how much Phil had encouraged him to decorate, it makes him shrink in on himself.
“What?” Tommy asks softly, still afraid of his voice cracking and tears rolling down out of nowhere. Well, he guesses it wouldn’t be from nowhere, he was just holding it back to make this whole conversation bearable. Phil’s far too nice and Tommy guarantees that if he cries in front of the man the comfort he receives will cause some cosmic explosion that leads to the ground opening up and swallowing whole.
Maybe, just once Tommy deserves an ounce of comfort, but he’s not too fond of the idea of sinking into the Earth. And even if that is an exaggerated idea, he’s not above crying until he dies of dehydration if anyone decided to be kind to him. “Just… Am I doing enough to make you comfortable here? I want you to have a good space here.” This might be the kindness that kills Tommy. When he lived with his parent’s he was never given his own space. Sure, he had a room but there was never a place in that house to be himself.
Phil tried his hardest to make sure everyone here had their own voice when it came to things that happened at home and there were boundaries and all that shit that good parents do. It’s a stark contrast to everything Tommy had and it settles heavy in his stomach most of the time. “What do you mean?”
“I care about you, Tommy. I know when you were living with your mum it wasn't the best situation and I want you to have a better environment to live and grow in.” There’s a thought that sits in the back of Tommy’s brain that wiggles its way up to the front when Phil says this.
It had been so easy to linger in despair when he had lived with his mum, he had lived on spite and worked solely to get away from it all. Now that he was away from it all he wasn’t sure how to cope with anything. For Phil to not only allow him to live here but to actively go out of his way to make it an enjoyable experience makes Tommy angry.
It’s borderline ridiculous how angry Tommy is, it makes the tears behind his eyes sting as they’re held back. He doesn’t understand why he’s only been allowed these niceties recently. He can’t comprehend how when he was so young and truly could have used all of this care all he got was neglect. Now at an age where he doesn’t really need to depend on others, he’d just handed it all? There’s a part of Tommy that wants to scream at Phil— to yell out all his disparities until he’s expelled them all, maybe then he’d feel better.
He swallows his anger because he knows Phil doesn’t deserve any of it— it doesn’t stop the way it burns in his chest.“It’s fine really, I enjoy being here.” Sometimes he felt like he was walking on eggshells here. He wasn’t sure if it was out of habit or because he feels like he’s not meant to be here.
“That's good, mate but if there’s anything I or the boys could do to make you feel more welcomed here you can let us know. We love having you here Tommy.” He tries his hardest to not let the doubt show on his face but Phil must pick up on it. “I know this is probably not how you pictured things going for you, Toms, but I’m really glad you’ve found yourself here,” Phil says with an easy smile. Tommy nods, ducking his head out of something almost akin to embarrassment.
He thinks it might be shame in a way, it bubbles beneath the surface and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He wants to enjoy this as much as Phil wants him to but he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to.
“I’m glad I ended up here too,” he responds and part of him is telling the truth. The other part of him misses the familiar emptiness he grew up with. It’s a confusing sentiment but as Phil smiles at him, he thinks he’ll learn to live with it.