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ju-won awoke to dong-sik thrashing in his sleep, bare anatomy drenched in sweat with the scar on his chest glaring back at him under the sliver of moonlight that shone through the window of their bedroom.
like most nights, the nightmare seemed to revolve around his family. he was chanting yu-yeon's name like a prayer of remorse, interspersed with him calling out for his parents and sobbing an apology. every time ju-won awoke to this it broke his heart. he had carried the guilt of his father's sins for merely three years and sometimes the very weight of the burden threatened to split him apart. he could not fathom how dong-sik had lived with himself for the past 23 years.
"hey," he nudged dong-sik slowly. "hyung, look at me."
dong-sik continued muttering something along the lines of "you were home all along" and ju-won guessed it was in reference to him finding his sister's body in the basement of their family house. it was the primary reason ju-won asked dong-sik to move in with him, he couldn't imagine dong-sik living with the demons that haunted him in that place every night.
"hyung," he started pleading. han ju-won was not a religious person, but for lee dong-sik he would gladly kneel at the altar to ask God to spare him mercy. "please wake up, please look at me."
dong-sik slowly stirred and started to open his eyes as ju-won reached over to grab the glass of water on his dresser and slowly put it to dong-sik's mouth, urging him to drink.
dong-sik finally spoke, his voice breaking much like ju-won's heart. the doctor they visited did say a part of dong-sik's mind was shattered permanently after all the trauma he had suffered throughout his teenage and adult years. as a result, he would often forget mundane things such as their apartment passcode, the patrol route they were supposed to take and sometimes, even his own name.
dissociative amnesia was the medical term. ju-won often read through pages and pages of medical journals when on his break, even in the car when dong-sik was driving but there was no permanent cure to it. the best thing he could do was keep reminding dong-sik who he was.
ju-won could live with that, ju-won could live with dong-sik not remembering his own name and where he was because ju-won would rather live half a life with him than no life at all. but somedays the pain in ju-won's chest spread like spark fissures from his heart, traversing across the bones of his ribcage and eventually burning his lungs which made it hard for him to breathe. because as much as ju-won didn't mind reminding dong-sik of his own name, there would inevitably come a time where dong-sik would forget who he was, and ju-won did not know how he would manage to answer.
tonight was the night apparently because as soon as dong-sik opened his eyes, he stared at ju-won and the latter's heart fell apart like the torn remnants of his memory when he realised dong-sik was looking right past him without any sign of recognition reflected in those eyes he had come to love.
"who am I? who are you?"
how was ju-won supposed to answer such a fundamental question. how could he answer the very being that was lee dong-sik that he was in fact, lee dong-sik. how was ju-won supposed to keep reminding him of all the memories in his years of living and leave his own name as an afterthought of sorts, an epilogue.
this wasn't a story to be told yet ju-won felt like every time he did this, he added an extra chapter. about dong-sik's sister, about ji-hwa, about jae-yi, about his parents, about himself. how selfish could a person be to remind someone of their existence and beg to be seen? how long could dong-sik's memory keep ju-won alive?
"dong-sik hyung," he cupped his jaw gently, tears threatening to fall as he met the elder man's gaze. "you're lee dong-sik. you're 43 years old. you work at manyang substation as a chief inspector. you've lived in manyang your whole life. you are the light in the dark, the ginger tea in my pantry cupboard and the 3 in my apartment passcode."
"and who are you?" dong-sik repeated and ju-won pressed his head to dong-sik's hands, wavering slightly as he thought about how he could weave a brief biography of who he was. would he start with his dad who never saw him as a son? would he start with his mum whose death often kept him awake at night, his last memory of her a 7 year old ju-won staring at her from atop the banister wondering just who that woman was? would he start with kwon hyeok, who had been a brother to him but more his father's son? or would he start with himself, and the ghost of a person he was?
"I'm han ju-won," he whispered. "I work in manyang substation as an inspector. I am your partner, I am a son and I love you with whatever's left of me."
often, dong-sik would fall back asleep after this brief memory recap but tonight, he grasped onto ju-won's hand a little tighter and ju-won felt the broken shards of his glass heart glue back together. the glass house they shared seemed to shine a little brighter tonight and ju-won allowed himself for the first time in a long time, to let hope wash over him.
"you're lee dong-sik," he chanted like a hymn. "you are lee yu-yeon's brother, oh ji-hwa's best friend and oh ji-hun's hyung. you are a brother, you are a son and you are the best of me."
"I'm han ju-won," he continued, his head still bowed as he recited the lines like a script from a play and hoped that it had a happy ending. "I am barely a son, a shell of a person and I am yours. I will keep reminding you who you are even if you choose to forget me."
silence enveloped the room with only the howl of a dog in the distance piercing the dense air. ju-won lifted his head slowly and looked into dong-sik's eyes, finally registering the recognition in them.
"I'm lee dong-sik," he repeated after ju-won. I am lee yu-yeon's brother. I am a son, I am a friend and I am yours."
ju-won felt the earth tilt on its axis momentarily before regaining its usual position. he stared at dong-sik for a few more seconds until he spoke again. "you're han ju-won. you are the sugar on the table, the owls calling at night and you are home."
there was a crevice within ju-won that was threatening to swallow his heart ,his lungs and his skull in no particular order until ju-won forced the gaping hole shut and listened to dong-sik saying the last line again.
"you are home."
"I love you," he held dong-sik's hands in his own. "I have always loved you and out of that love, I will keep reminding you who you are. You can forget me, you can forget everything about me but please, hyung, you cannot forget who you are."
here was a boy who once thought he had everything in the world. here was a boy who did not allow people to misguidedly touch him because he believed in the purity of the mind and the soul which manifested into a physical attribute. here was a boy who was desperate to seek forgiveness and salvation. here was a boy, who had placed his heart in the hand of a man and asked to be loved. here was a boy, who was not his father's son and was begging to be remembered.
suddenly ju-won was back to that day where he had seeked forgiveness from dong-sik for arresting him upon the older man's insistence. when the handcuffs clicked around his wrists, ju-won found himself unable to say anything as he simply bowed and sobbed. there was so much he wanted to say:
forgive me hyung
I'm sorry for not being the partner you deserved
I think I love you
but the guilt rising from the hollow of his throat only managed to make him stutter. "I'm sorry for being my father's son."
now as he sat in the dark with tears staining his cheeks, he felt a calloused hand rise to cup his cheek and he leaned into the familiar, warm touch. it was only then that he realised he had spoken aloud. "you are not your father's son. you are han ju-won, you are my partner, you love me with all that you are and I'll continue to love you with whatever's left of me. you are han ju-won, you are not your father's son, and you will never be."
in the shadows of ju-won's closet, the skeletons collapsed like the tidings of a tsunami, breaking apart bone by sinew until all that was left was ashes. the doors closed and the last thing he saw was dong-sik smiling at him that day at the lake before he left for seoul and realised manyang would always be home because that was where dong-sik was and he did not want to stray further from him anymore.
now, as he cleared his throat and looked up into those eyes he adored so much with crow's feet at the corner, he found himself filled with a longing to forever remain in this moment, suspended in time, drowning in those eyes.
"hi hyung," he whispered softly as daylight crept up on them, shrouding them in shadow for a brief moment and hiding them from the rest of the world. "welcome home."