Chapter Text
Seven years ago today, I unexpectedly met my husband in the middle of the night during one of the worst blizzards I had seen in my (at the time) twenty-three years of life.
Sometimes, I wonder what my life would’ve been like had I not offered him shelter from the cold. Lifelong guilt would’ve been definite, that was a certainty. But would I still have gone on to achieve a level of dream I could’ve only dreamed about having once upon a time? Or would I have been so riddled with guilt that I drove off a cliff to rid myself of it?
But though the past seven years had been chock-full of ups and downs, I was glad to have allowed Tae to come along for the ride. Especially right now, while we were in the midst of getting one negative pregnancy test result after another, he was my anchor. And though he tried his best to conceal it, I was still keenly aware of the wave of sadness that would wash over him every time he flipped the test I had taken minutes prior only to be met with a single line or “not pregnant” written in a bold and undeniably clear font. There hadn’t ever been even the faintest trace of a second line when we used those particular tests, shattering our hopes of parenthood time and time again for the past year and some months.
“I can’t,” I whispered, shoving the box of the dreaded tests on the bathroom counter away from me and knocking it onto the floor.
It was month fourteen of trying to conceive, and just when I think I’ve hit the worst of it, the month after drags me down even further. I didn’t understand how people could try for years and not succeed. Plus, conception was only the first (and admittedly unexpected) first hurdle.
Once I actually became pregnant, I had to hope and pray I could actually carry to full term. And since I had already miscarried in the past, I was at an increased risk of having another one.
It was also frustrating how what had started out as a one night stand with a complete and utter asshole had resulted in a pregnancy, yet I couldn’t yield the same results with a man who’d actually be a wonderful father and who I actually wanted to raise a family with side by side.
“You don’t have to then,” Tae’s tone was soft and gentle, much like the touch of his hand currently rubbing my back was. “Save yourself the heartache. I always tell you that you don’t have to take the test if you don’t have a gut feeling, but you always insist on doing it.”
“Because I want this so badly!” I exclaimed. “And I know you do too! For fuck’s sake, I waited so many years after losing my daughter for my second chance at motherhood! You would think that’d be more than enough waiting in the universe’s eyes!”
“I know,” he murmured, pulling me into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I insisted, embracing him back equally as tightly. “If anything, I’m sorry. I should’ve been able to make you a father by now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” My grip on him tightened as my voice grew weak.
No, don’t cry about this yet again!
“I’m surprised you’re even still with me. I figured you would’ve gone and found someone who’ll actually be able to get pregnant without any trouble.”
“Athena, with all due respect, you sound completely ridiculous,” He broke off the embrace in favor of gripping onto my shoulders and gazing directly into my eyes. “Do you really think I’d throw away seven years of the greatest thing I’ve ever had over something that’s not even your fault?”
“Stop hiding it, Tae!” I cried out in anger. “It kills you just as much as it kills me! How long can you keep up the facade? One day, it’ll eat you alive if you don’t address it! Especially if you keep pretending like it doesn’t bother you!”
“Well, yes, it does sadden me deeply,” He admitted with a mumble, gaze briefly darting away from my own. “But keeping a positive attitude has been helping me cope, especially since this has been weighing you down so heavily. It won’t do us any good if we’re both down in the dumps about this. You’ve been strong in instances where I couldn’t. The least I can do is return the favor.”
“God, I love you so much,” I whispered, the weight of the world leaving me as I pulled him in for a kiss.
Even seven years later, feeling his soft lips against mine gave me the same butterflies it did when we had kissed for the very first time.
*****
“I can’t believe I forgot to say this earlier, but happy meeting day anniversary.”
I smiled over at Tae, who was currently driving with no destination in mind. In order to help erase the bittersweet memory of the day we met, we decided to make a tradition out of going out for a joyride each and every time New Year’s Day came back around. Besides, I had enjoyed truly getting to know him during the very first joyride we embarked on together a few years ago. Although he had revealed the darkest part of his past to me then, I was happy he had trusted me enough to let his walls tumble down so far. It had been so soon after we had met too, which made his vulnerability so much more meaningful to me.
“Happy meeting day anniversary,” I lifted his hand up from his thigh and kissed the top of it. Whenever we were driving together, he always insisted on holding my thigh or hand. I thought it was a bit dorky at first, but as time went on, I had slowly grown to love it. Now, I couldn’t go more than a couple minutes in the car without my body yearning for the now all too familiar and comforting touch. “Thank you for coming into my life and turning it upside down in so many wonderfully beautiful ways.”
“And thank you for saving me,” His hand found its way back to where it had originally been a couple moments prior. “It’s funny how one of the worst days of my life is also one of the best. You truly never cease to amaze me, even all these years later. It’s no wonder I wake up every morning and fall in love with you all over again.”
I continued smiling over at him, still amazed how he was able to captivate me the same way he had so long ago. Perhaps it was due to us having to spend five and a half of our nearly seven year long relationship long distance, but I wasn’t going to complain. One of my worst fears was the love we held so deeply for each other dissipating in a dark cloud of smoke.
“I love you,” I said for the millionth time, and I had full intention of saying it a million times more. “Being married to you is one of the greatest honors, I swear. You make me feel like royalty every single day.”
“I’m just living up to my vows, that’s all,” He shrugged lightly, briefly glancing over at me with a soft smile. “‘I will cherish you day in and day out, be your anchor when you feel as though you’re about to sink, and love you until my heart stops beating and all the oxygen departs from my lungs.’ Remember?”
My opportunity to respond was seized away in a gut wrenching moment. Time moved in slow motion as the sickening sound of tires screeching on the icy road below filled my ears. I screamed so loudly I thought my lungs would explode, and through rapidly blurring vision, I saw the front end of a car collide directly with the driver's side of ours.
Tae’s. Side.
“Tae!”
My voice strained to call out to him. Pain shot through my throat, neck, and head simultaneously as stars danced through what little of my vision remained. I fought to remain conscious but it was a worthless battle. I soon succumbed to the pain and impending darkness, making one last weak attempt at calling out to the man I loved so dearly.
*****
I groaned as the head and neck pain returned to me when I dared to slowly open my eyes. I was met with the near pitch black darkness of the winter night upon doing so.
“Athena!”
My brief flare of excitement when I realized the voice calling to me wasn’t Tae. Rather, it was Suzie, my best friend right alongside my husband. “I’m so happy you’re awake! Are you hurt?”
I didn’t bother asking how or why she knew about the accident. It didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was —
“Tae!” I ignored her question and sat up far too quickly. I paid the price in the form of my head spinning and my neck shooting intense pains all throughout for a couple seconds. “Where the hell is he?”
“Oh, Athena,” Even through the near complete darkness, I could see all the color drain from her face as she grabbed both of my hands and squeezed them tightly. “An apology is nowhere near enough, but I really am sorry.”
“Where. The. Hell. Is. He?” I ignored her useless sentiments again, hissing out each word more bitterly than the last. Didn’t she understand I didn’t have time for pointless chatter and unwarranted apologies?
She swallowed the tight lump in her throat and shook her head a bit. “He’s dead,” She croaked, the lump instantly reappearing. “He didn’t suffer though, at the very least. He died as soon as the car collided with him. Not that that really help matters, but—“
“Suzie, this isn’t even close to being remotely funny,” I couldn’t muster a deadpan tone, so I continued hissing and speaking coldly. “Seriously. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t make those kinds of jokes about Hobi.”
“Athena, I’m not joking,” She frowned deeply and released my hands before she pulled me into a hug. “I wouldn’t ever lie to you, especially about something like this.”
“Let me see him,” My voice was still ice cold, and it was now devoid of any sort of emotion. As far as I was concerned, until undeniable proof was in front of me, he was still very much alive.
“I’m not sure you want to do that,” she said reluctantly, using the same tone she used when she spoke to Arabella most of the time. It made me quite angry. I wasn’t some child. I was a twenty-nine year old woman with a good career, loving husband, wonderful family, and loyal friends. “It’s… not a pretty sight. I don’t think you’d want to see him post a horrific car accident taking place. It wouldn’t exactly be a great last memory of him.”
“I don’t care,” I was still so emotionally removed from the situation. It almost sickened me how empty and soulless I felt.
But don’t worry, you’ll see how this is just some cruel joke on Suzie’s part soon. Or, better yet, you’ll wake up from this terrible nightmare soon.
“Oh, Athena, thank God you’re okay,” Jungkook rushed over to greet Suzie and I upon spotting us heading over to where Tae was. I desperately tried to peer over him and the others, who were lined up shoulder to shoulder as if they were looking at a painting at an art museum rather than their best friend, but my average height against six taller men was quite a detriment. “What happened today was really horrible, but—“
“What the hell is going on?” I demanded. If I was unwilling to listen to any of Suzie’s nonsense, why on Earth would I want to listen to any of his?
He shot a nervous glance at Suzie. “Did you not tell her?” He asked her quietly.
“I tried, but she wouldn’t listen,” She replied, her voice equally as quiet. “She wants to see him.”
Jungkook’s eyes widened in horror, and he looked back over at me. “Oh, um,” he stammered. “That’s really not—“
“I’ve had it!” I snapped, fighting through the pain in my neck and head to shove everyone else out of the way once I marched up to where they all were.
Afterwards, all the physical pain in the world no longer mattered, especially when I was forced to face the consequences of not listening to Suzie and Jungkook. Every bit of throbbing pain in my head and ache in my neck went directly to my heart. Those pains could never compare to the pain that had just crashed down on me.
Tae… my beloved husband, best friend, and my anchor… he really was gone. His blood-stained clothes and appendages were a stark reminder of what took him away from me in a matter of a single second. His eyes, the very ones I found solace in time and time again, were closed and never to be reopened. If it weren’t for all the blood, still so unsettlingly abundant against seemingly every possible surface area, it would seem as if he was merely asleep. In spite of his life being ripped away so senselessly and quickly, he looked so peaceful. But how could he feel even the tiniest fragment of peace? He still had so much life left. He still had children to father and raise. He still had so many years of an illustrious music career ahead of him. But, most importantly, he still had to grow old with me.
“Agapi,” It came out as a helpless whimper rather than the gentle prod I intended it to be. The ache and dread in my heart intensified as I slowly and carefully laid down next to him, uncaring whether his blood ended up on me. I found myself waiting for any response. An arm wrapping around me, a “everything’s alright, jagiya, I’m here…” Even the slightest twitch of a finger. Anything would’ve been better than the eerie, bone chilling silence.
“It’s really not funny,” Speaking felt like a chore in the midst of the battle to fight off losing all composure. Though all my friends had seen me cry on my wedding day, shedding these tears in front of all of them didn’t feel right. “Please wake up and tell me you’re okay.”
Unsurprisingly, he didn’t stir one bit. There wasn’t even the steady rise and fall of his chest to reassure me he really was okay.
“To answer your question from earlier, yes, I do remember,” I laughed dryly and bitterly, looking over at him. “I remember each and every detail about our wedding day. It was one of the best days of my life,” I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, fighting off tears again. “But… you didn’t say, ‘I love you too.’ Can you do that for me?”
Suddenly, the earth shattering reality hit me so forcibly hard that the car might as well have taken me away instead.
Little did I know this morning, today was the last day I would wake up in Tae’s arms, kiss him with every ounce of love I held for him, hold his hand, cuddle him while listening to his heartbeat… Fuck, why couldn’t I have just one more of every aspect I slowly but surely started to take for granted?
“Well, at the very least, I love you,” It was an immense struggle to get the words out into the world. My throat felt like it was being pressed down by all the weight of someone’s hands and clawed relentlessly at the same time. Another fragment of my shattered heart crumbled up and blew away like dust in the wind when I lamented over him not being able to hear the very last time I would get to tell him I loved him “Goddammit, agapi, why did you have to go?” I finally stopped fighting back the tears and allowed them to spill from my eyes upon blinking. “You never got to save me. I’m so sorry. I know how badly you wanted to.”
“But he did.”
Suzie suddenly inserting herself into the conversation startled me, even more so when I glanced over and saw her kneeling down next to me.
“What?” I asked in disbelief after clearing my throat and spilling more tears. “What do you mean?”
“When the other driver lost control of their car, it was going to hit your side,” She explained compassionately, reaching over and wiping away the tears Tae should be wiping away right now. “And Taehyung knew that. So, in the split second he had before the collision, he made the decision to move so the other car would hit him instead.”
My eyes widened in complete and utter disbelief.
“B-But he didn’t h-have to,” I sputtered. “H-He shouldn’t have…”
“It’s what he always wanted though,” She placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “You know that. He talked about it quite a bit. And you and your guys’ relationship, of course. He loved you so much, but I’m sure you were well aware.”
I simply nodded solemnly, glancing back over at my departed lover. I hated how he could appear to feel so at ease about the situation while I felt like I was going to drown. It simply wasn’t fair. Why was I left to deal with such horrible and life altering pain for the rest of my days?
Falling in love with me cost him his life. Perhaps, it would’ve been better for us to have never loved one another at all.