Chapter Text
Hinata was studying as usual when it first happened.
He was alone in the dorm room with nothing but his books and papers to accompany him that time. His phone was peacefully resting on a stack of papers as a way to prevent them from flying all around the room. Komaeda is a neat person that’s why, and Hinata doesn’t want to cause trouble for him.
The room was quiet except for the occasional rustling of papers, and if Hinata listens more closely, the sound of the clock ticking can actually be heard. His reading gets interrupted when his phone slightly moves due to the sudden vibration, and he turns his attention to it, grabbing it and checking its screen.
One new message, it says.
Someone seems to have texted him.
Hinata doesn’t really receive text messages a lot—sometimes there are some from his parents, the common ‘How’s it going there? Contact us sometime so we know how things are with you’; there are also some from Souda, things like ‘Buddy, are you free right now? Let’s drink somewhere!’, or maybe even the rarer (and not preferred) ‘Hinata-kun, I'm staying over at Naegi-kun’s dorm room tonight. If an emergency comes up, just call me. :)’
He inputs the correct lock pattern, and the newest message seems to be none of the above.
‘Hajime.’
That was all it said.
Hinata furrows his eyebrows. Maybe it’s from his parents, after all? Nobody really calls Hinata by his first name—well, except for Mioda, but she calls him Hajime-chan, and she does that to everyone. That being first name plus that suffix of endearment.
The plain and serious ‘Hajime’ doesn’t suit Mioda at all, but then again, she has always been a little unpredictable…
The phone vibrates again, and another message arrives.
‘Hajimeee.’
Hinata is really curious now. He types out a short reply of ‘Who's this?’ before locking it again and placing it on its previous position. He decides to resume his reading while waiting for the reply of whoever that anonymous person is.
He doesn’t wait for too long because the response arrived almost as soon as he sent his message.
‘Just someone. :-)’
What the actual fuck?
Hinata decides that this is just a prank, probably done by his classmates. Whoever texted him knew his first name, so it’s probably not just a random person. He locks his phone again, thinking that it’s better if he doesn’t waste his time regarding a tasteless prank.
It vibrates again not too long later, but he doesn’t check it anymore.
There are more important things to do, after all.
--
“I'm back, Hinata-kun!”
Komaeda’s voice is like his cue to at least momentarily take a break from studying, even for just five to ten minutes. He leaves a pen in between the pages that he was reading and looks up to face Komaeda with a small smile.
“You seem happy. Did anything happen?”
“I hung out with Naegi-kun’s friends today.” Komaeda’s smile grows even more. “I still find it overwhelming to mingle with Super High School Levels even if I'm such insignificant trash, but I can’t say that I didn’t have fun!”
“As I always say, you're a Super High School Level yourself.”
“And as I always say too, it’s far too embarrassing to proclaim something like that! Sure, I am the Super High School Level Good Luck, but seriously… my talent is just garbage compared to everyone else’s!”
If he only knew.
In truth, if it were Hinata who was Super High School Level Luck, he would happily embrace the title and call it his talent. Now that he thinks about it, if only they switch places—Komaeda as the undercover Reserve Course Student and Hinata as Luck—it would have been more convenient. Considering Komaeda’s natural smarts, he would easily get the high grades demanded by those damnable researchers, and getting reconsidered in the main course would have been a walk in the park to him.
But then again, Hinata isn’t really thoroughly convinced that Komaeda is untalented except for his luck.
And it’s practically impossible for Hinata to be lucky. In fact, he's quite far from that.
He wonders if he can get reconsidered at least for Super High School Level Bad Luck because that fits him big time.
“Hey, Hinata-kun, I asked you something!” He didn’t even notice that Komaeda is standing by his chair already.
“Oh, right, sorry, my mind seems to be floating, haha.” Hinata faces him again. “What did you ask again?”
“I just asked if you knew Fujisaki-san. She's so smart! Seeing as she's the Super High School Level Programmer, do you think she can read binary?”
“Yeah, of course. Isn’t binary important in programming?”
“Well, new programming languages are getting invented more and more nowadays. But then again, she's a Super High School Level, so my question was probably stupid, after all! Of course she should know binary! Someone great like her would!”
“Hey, now, it’s okay, you were just wondering out loud, nothing bad about that.”
“Hinata-kun really is too kind to forgive my stupidity!” Komaeda giggles. “Anyway, I'm so sorry to have bothered you from your studying. I'm just going to go take a shower now!”
Komaeda retreated to the bathroom before Hinata was able to reply.
Hinata wasn’t able to say that Komaeda wasn’t a bother and that he doesn’t really mind sacrificing even his studying time for Komaeda.
Hinata wasn’t able to say that the distraction Komaeda’s comforting voice provides greatly soothes him.
Well, what's new? He always can’t say what he wants to say anyway.
--
Hinata completely forgot that he was actually avoiding his phone. He only unpleasantly got reminded when he woke up and checked it first thing in the morning.
‘Hey, hey, Hajime. :-)’
‘I saw your crush yesterday. Nagito, right?’
‘You like that kid, right?’
‘He's pretty cute, tbh.’
‘Too bad he has a boyfriend, lol. :-D’
‘It must be rough for you. You’ve been around longer, but then that short kid shows up and fucks things up for you, loool.’
Hinata blinks at his phone screen. Is he having a nightmare? Are his thoughts finally taunting him until his sleep?
…No, that can’t be. One of the things that he has learned from his numerous hours of studying is that one can’t read this clearly in a dream. Even if he doesn’t really want to, he knows that he's reading the messages quite well. The letters look like they're mocking him, each curve looking like they're hiding a smirk behind them, and what he doesn’t want to think about the most is that whoever this asshole is, they know him in real life.
Not to mention they know that Hinata liked Komaeda—
‘Did you ever think you stood a chance? :-)’
‘Your crush is pretty much hope-obsessed, right? It’s a shame Hope’s Peak welcomed somebody whose title is Super High School Level Hope. :-D’
Against his better judgment, Hinata types a hasty reply. His fingers are slightly shaking in anger, and if only it’s not troublesome to not have a phone, he would have flushed it in the toilet.
‘Fuck off.’
That was his reply. He swears that’s the last time he's going to waste his time for an anonymous jerk.
He swears that he's not going to think about how even if the jerk is anonymous, and not to mention, an asshole, they're right.
--
“Whoa, okay, first off, that asshole is not me.” Souda raises both of his hands in surrender, looking attacked. “Look, I know I called Komaeda’s boyfriend short too, but I swear I ain't gonna insult you like this, bro. Soul friends don’t do that.”
Just before Hinata could respond to Souda, the phone in his hand vibrates. Souda takes a deep breath, his expression screaming ‘told you so’, before peeking at the screen too.
‘Nagito and his boyfriend are too touchy-feely. Ever seen them hanging out?’
“See? I told you it’s not me.” Souda makes a face. “And look, I’d never call him Nagito, for Christ’s sake… even if I acknowledge that his ass is—”
“Dude, shut up.” Hinata glares at Souda as he locks his phone. “Look, you're the only one I told about me liking Komaeda. Did you tell someone else?”
“Course not!” Souda repeatedly shook his head. “Well, to be honest, I would have told Sonia-san if she asked, but she didn’t! So I swear I didn’t tell anyone else, buddy!”
Hinata frowns. “That’s very reassuring.”
“Look, Hinata, don’t get upset. It’s not like I actually went ahead and told someone already.”
“Already? So I’d have to wait for you to do that before I get upset when you're already thinking about it?”
“Come on, sorry, bro.” Souda pats him on the back. “But it’s only fair anyway, right? I mean, if Komaeda asks, you'd tell him that I like Sonia-san, right?”
“…You do know that everyone knows that anyway, right?”
“Seriously!?”
Hinata tunes out Souda’s voice after that, realizing that this whole conversation is just tiring him out even more. He shouldn’t just think about it, he decides. He’ll just delete all the messages coming from that person, he won’t react, and that way, he's sure that they'd stop whoever they are.
He gets his phone from his pocket to do exactly just that when he sees another unopened message.
‘Do you think Nagito is a virgin?’
Hinata freezes on the spot when he sees the words, almost as if they're staring at him to intimidate him. It looks like an immature question, totally something that Hinata should just forget and never think about again, but he’d be lying if he says that he never thought about it.
Sex probably is not a big deal to other people, and saying that it’s the ultimate expression of love is probably debatable, but Hinata knew that Komaeda is a rather conservative person who values personal space. For someone like Komaeda to let someone sleep with him must require a great deal of trust and intimacy.
That’s why the question affected Hinata in the first place.
Because he recalls that certain night when he walked in on Komaeda and Naegi in a position that he wished he just didn’t see—Naegi backing Komaeda to the wall that their bunk bed is next to, his hand caressing Komaeda’s cheek, and his lips deeply buried on Komaeda’s reddened neck.
Hinata closing the door was something he didn’t think about—it was instinctive, as if it were his body’s own way of protecting itself. Like a person who touched an incredibly hot surface, pulling away was natural, a reflex, something done automatically.
It was good to see at least that his body still knows how to protect itself.
But despite that, despite his senses’ best efforts to shield his body from pain, he can’t deny that he still felt like he was being drowned when he saw what was happening.
It’s stupid, actually. It’s stupid to feel this way. Naegi and Komaeda were a couple, they loved each other, so it was only natural that they'd do something like that. Kissing, caressing each other, sleeping together—
“Hinata, dude, are you even serious!?” Souda’s overly loud voice threw him back to reality. “Everyone really knows!?”
Hinata actually forgot for a moment what exactly Souda is talking about. His head was filled with nothing but images of Naegi and Komaeda showing their intimacy, and he can swear that most of those images are imagined and exaggerated by his own mind.
“…Yeah.” Hinata nods, but he knows that he looks too absentminded for his own liking. “I'm serious.”
That could have been him.
Komaeda could have trusted him enough to share that kind of close relationship with him.
Could have, should have, would have, but no.
--
The phone vibrates on Hinata’s pocket again, and he takes it out to place it on his stack of papers. Paperweight. That’s the best role his phone can do for him right now. There were five unread messages last time he checked, and that was six hours ago. He could only guess how many there are at the moment…
He wonders who the stranger is and why they're wasting their time sending pointless messages to Hinata in the first place.
He wonders why he gets so affected by the aforementioned pointless messages.
He wonders if the messages are indeed pointless.
--
Hinata and Komaeda are intersecting lines.
Or at least that’s what Hinata thought back then.
Intersecting lines share one point at least, even if they meet only once… but he's mistaken, isn’t he? They're not intersecting lines. They're parallel lines—lines that will go on and on forever without meeting at least once, two lines that can carry on without even intersecting.
It’s a sad thought, one that Hinata doesn’t want to accept.
Then there's the transversal, a line that passes through two parallel lines.
The transversal is—
“Are you reviewing this, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda’s soft voice makes him feel like silk is brushing against his ears. “Transversal?”
“Yeah.” Hinata looks up to Komaeda, wondering if he looks too absent at the moment. “This topic is really easy, so whenever new lessons stress me out, I return to this one just so I can feel like there's something I'm actually really familiar with.”
And that wasn’t entirely a lie.
It wasn’t entirely the truth either.
It’s true that he does find the transversal topic easy, but he mostly returns because it was a lesson they had last year, and last year was a time period that he’d want to relive and relive all over again until he dies. Studying a lesson that he already knows about gives him the illusion that he was back to the old times, to the times when getting even closer to Komaeda was possible, to the times when he stood a chance.
Now that Hinata thinks about it, maybe he's an asymptote, after all—a line that continually approaches a given curve but will never meet it at any finite distance.
But hey, apparently, the asymptote can meet the curve at infinity.
Maybe Hinata has to wait for infinity too.
--
“Hinata, dude, I texted you last night because I needed help with our homework!” Souda says as soon as he sees Hinata. “Why didn’t you reply, man? Can I borrow it now?”
“Needed help, you mean you wanted to compare answers…” Hinata mutters, but he takes out his homework and hands it to Souda anyway. “Also, I wasn’t checking my phone, so sorry about that.”
“Oh?” Souda takes out a pen from his pocket and starts scribbling on his own notebook. “Ah, is it because of the unknown jerk? Why don’t you just block the number?”
“Right… I should have done that firsthand, huh.” Hinata sincerely wonders why he didn’t. He pulls out his phone from his pocket, feeling a bit nervous for some reason. He feels so unsettled, like there's something wrong with the mere idea of unlocking his phone again.
He’ll just unlock his phone, delete the already existing messages, and block the number… so why is he so nervous?
There was the nagging feeling that there's something wrong—the sensation feels like a persistent itch that he can’t ignore. He does his best to think nothing of it as he feels the cold material of his phone against his hand, and he wonders if he would be exaggerating if he says that he felt like shivering then and there.
He gulps as he swipes the correct pattern, and he feels his entire back going cold.
‘I don’t think Nagito is a virgin. Ever asked?’
‘Hey, do you think he ever liked you? :-)’
‘The way you look at him is so obvious. Anyone with a working brain will know that you like him, lol. Try being a little subtle, just a tip.’
‘But hey, does it even matter, amirite? He doesn’t notice anyway, lmao.’
‘How does it feel being bested by a kid shorter than you? :-)’
‘How does it feel to be roommates with your crush? :-)’
‘Lol, does his boyfriend know that you like him? Bad Hajime.’
‘How rich would you be if you were given a yen each time you think of Nagito?’
‘No good, Hajime. Why aren’t you replying?’
‘Or you're probably not reading the messages in the first place. Typical Hajime. Your escapism is probably the reason why you're in the Reserve Course. Ooops.’
‘:-)’
“Hinata, are you alright?” Souda peers over him, and Hinata shoves the phone back to his pocket as fast as he can. His back was still feeling cold, like his body completely forgot how to even generate warmth, and he wanted to do nothing but run. “Hinata… You're pale, man. Did the asshole say anything new? What's going on?”
“N-Nothing.” His voice trembled, and he hated that. “I, uh, kinda need to go somewhere, Souda. Would you mind if I ditch for a while?”
“Oh, yeah, sure, it’s okay, I don’t mind.” Souda replies, but his brows are still furrowed. “Bro, if it’s bothering you, maybe I can do something about it? Ain't sure, but there prolly is at least something…”
Hinata just shakes his head. He can’t pull anyone to this. Souda would have to ask what exactly the message said because he’d have to understand why Hinata was so unsettled, but nobody can know. Nobody can know about him being in the Reserve Course. Nobody can know about the Reserve Course.
Even if he wants to tell someone so badly, even if he himself isn’t comfortable with the fact that absolutely no close schoolmate of his is actually aware of what he really is, even if the feeling of lying is always continually looming over him, he still can’t let anyone learn about it.
But despite that, despite all his best efforts of hiding—
There's someone.
There's someone who knows.
--
If there's anyone Hinata would tell, it’d be Naegi.
Naegi was trustworthy. Naegi was accepting. Just by being next to him, Hinata effectively feels heavily inadequate, but it’s not like it’s Naegi’s fault that he's basically perfect, kindness incarnate… (hope incarnate?) Whenever Hinata interacts with him, he realizes each time why it was Naegi who's with Komaeda at the moment instead of himself.
Naegi is everything that Hinata aspired to be but valiantly failed.
Despite this, despite seeing the evident difference in abilities between him and Naegi, despite seeing that Naegi is obviously superior over him, Hinata still can’t fully accept what's happening.
Really, he should be used to it by now, but he can’t deny that he still feels like his chest is being constantly rolled on a sea of glass shards whenever he remembers his situation.
--
‘Who are you and what the fuck do you want?’
That was what Hinata sent as he sat down somewhere secluded. He made sure he was ready to start a phone call at any moment’s notice, even going as far as to search for a place where no one can overhear, but he was pretty sure that the anonymous person won’t answer it anyway. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to be ready.
‘Glad to see that got a reaction. :-)’
‘Quit fucking around. How did you find out?’ Hinata stares at his typed reply for a while before deciding to send it. He feels like he's not being compelling at all, but really, what can he do? The fact that he's talking to someone who knows his valued secret, and not to mention that he doesn’t know who exactly this someone is… it just unsettles him greatly.
In truth, he wanted to confront those stuck-up researchers because they're the only ones who are supposed to be aware, therefore they're the only ones who could have spread the secret too, but Hinata isn’t sure what kind of consequences he’d suffer if they find out.
What if it weren’t them, after all? What if they return Hinata to the Reserve Course for failing to cover up?
Hinata just can’t take chances because unlike Komaeda, he has never really been the lucky type.
‘I have my ways. :-)’
He feels his eye twitching when he reads the reply. ‘I'm trying to be civil with you. What do you want?’
‘Lol, is it fun in there? How does it feel having an exclusive club for untalented people? Do you guys throw pity parties?’
‘Just fuck off. If you're so great, why are you even bothering yourself with mocking a mere Reserve Course Student like me? Go fuck yourself or whatever it is that you talented people do.’
‘Lol, that’s very creative. No wonder Nagito likes you so much, lmao.’
Hinata grits his teeth as he starts typing again, but he catches himself this time. He closes his eyes and slowly counts to ten in his head. This isn’t good. It’s not good to let himself be affected by a person who can’t even face him in real life.
Or so he thinks as a poor attempt to comfort himself.
--
The inexplicable feeling of agitation shows up again when he returns to the dorm room that day and finds Komaeda glaring at a small black book in his hands. Maybe it was just because of the fact that Komaeda doesn’t really frown that frequently, but he can swear that there was something else.
There was another reason why he was so nervous, and he can’t quite put his finger on it.
In fact, his whole body feels heavy, like it has been bound by chains from below.
“Komaeda?” Hinata walks over Komaeda anyway despite the unease just growing even more. “Are you okay? What's that?”
“Nothing important.” Komaeda almost hastily replies, accompanying his words with a fast close of the book. He smiles at Hinata, and it was amazing how most of his nervousness seems to have been instantly wiped away. “I'm okay, Hinata-kun, thanks for asking. How about you? You seem really tired.”
Hinata feels his heart skipping a beat at the question. “Aren't I, always?” He rolls his eyes and chuckles softly, trying to distract himself from Komaeda’s seemingly piercing eyes. “Are you really okay, though? You looked really upset about something.”
“I really am okay.” Komaeda chuckles. Hinata would have continued doubting if it weren’t for that overly sincere-sounding voice. “Hinata-kun, you worry too much.”
“I do, huh…” He absentmindedly mutters. Maybe he really is just overthinking things again. He has the tendency to do that, after all.
“Ah, right, right! I remembered something!” Komaeda’s smile widens even more, and Hinata finds himself willing to just get lost in that sight. “I'm sure Hinata-kun is busy and would rather study right now, but there is something that I wanted to talk about.”
“Oh?” If Komaeda specifically wanted to talk about something, then Hinata would never be able to bring himself to refuse. “It’s okay, really. I can use a break. What is it?”
Use a break, my ass. In truth, he’d die a million times for this kind of chance because it’s extremely rare nowadays.
“Well, see, I just wanted to ask if Hinata-kun has ever heard of Hope’s Peak Academy’s Reserve Course Department.”
…Huh?
Time seems to have stopped.
Komaeda was looking at him expectantly, and contrary to the sensation of his whole back cooling down earlier, at the moment, he feels like he's being burned alive. It’s like standing mere centimeters away from a bonfire after being drenched with gasoline.
“…What?” Hinata doesn’t know what kind of face he's making at the moment, but he's pretty sure that fear and disbelief must be part of his current expressions. Is it Komaeda? Was Komaeda the one texting him?
He mentally punches himself. He's being stupid again. There's no way that Komaeda would do something like that. And besides, if it were indeed Komaeda, that must mean that he knows about Hinata’s feelings for him… and that is impossible. “I don’t understand… Why?”
“Sorry! I'm really sorry!” Komaeda looks so sincere in his apology, but that doesn’t do anything about the increasing speed of Hinata’s heartbeat. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I mean, it’s okay if you don’t know what the Reserve Course Department is. It’s not like they're important! I was just wondering if you know about them, so—”
‘It’s not like they're important.’
“Wait, wait,” Hinata feels like his head has been repeatedly slammed against a wall. He can swear that he's currently hearing an incessant buzzing in his head. “Sorry to interrupt you, but where exactly did you hear about this Reserve Course Department?”
“Oh.” Komaeda nods at the book that Hinata saw him reading earlier. Hinata’s feeling of dread instantly doubles. “I found a book in the library, and I thought that maybe Hinata-kun knows about them too. But as I said, they're hardly important, so I really understand if you never heard about them!”
‘They're hardly important.’
Hinata knows. Hinata knows that, and he doesn’t know why the universe seems to keep on reiterating that to him. “May I see the book?” He applauds himself for not trembling.
“Sure, of course. Don’t expect great things though, you'd be disappointed.” Komaeda looked so innocent saying that that it was ridiculous how much it made Hinata feel like he was being punched. “Don’t remove the bookmark, please!”
Don’t expect great things.
He chants in his mind, wishing that Komaeda doesn’t notice the fact that his hands are trembling as he takes the book. He doesn’t even know why he's feeling so threatened at the moment. He wonders if he's being too irrational, too panicked, too concerned—
‘Hope’s Peak Academy is a highly prestigious and exclusive school, and only a selected few—’
He already knows this.
‘Enter the Reserve Course Department. The Reserve Course Department is a group of students who only satisfy one of the requirements—’
He already knows this.
He already knows all of this, and it was making him sick how he knows everything printed on these sheets of paper. He knows how pathetic they are, how pathetic he himself is, how they are nothing but monetary support to the academy.
He knows, he knows, so why does this keep on happening? Why is the world rubbing things that he already knows to his face? Why is there someone texting him about the Reserve Course, texting him about the fact that his feelings for Komaeda are unrequited, texting him about how inferior he is to everyone?
Then now Komaeda found this book, and he's not being less than vocal about how he finds the Reserve Course (finds Hinata) worthless, disgusting, good-for-nothing—
“…You found this in the library?” That can’t be. That shouldn’t be, shouldn’t be, shouldn’t—no material regarding the Reserve Course should be in the library because no one can know, no one must know, so why, why does Komaeda have this book?
“Yep!” Komaeda looks so enthusiastic it’s not even funny anymore. “But it doesn’t look like a library book, huh? I mean, it doesn’t even have the usual stamp that the library’s books have… so I actually just took it from the library—”
“Fake.” Hinata hurriedly interrupts, pushing the book towards Komaeda’s hands as if it’s burning him. “I think it’s fake. It’s not even Hope’s Peak’s book, so someone with a hyperactive imagination probably put it in there.”
Liar, liar, liar.
“Well, I suppose that’s a possibility…” Komaeda lightly rubs his chin, looking at the floor. “…but I think it’s also plausible that it’s true. I mean, it is indeed a wonder how Hope’s Peak has enough funds to have the advanced technology that we sometimes have the opportunity of seeing. We don’t usually go to the Biology Lab, but I'm sure you remember the different apparatuses that we saw, Hinata-kun.”
No, no, no.
Hinata usually argues well, but he never really deliberately took the false side before. He's scared to accidentally blurt out an obvious contradiction, for Komaeda to find out that Hinata's covering up the fact that he's nothing but a talentless liar all this time.
“Even so.” Hinata feels like he's sounding really more and more unbelievable as he shakes his head. “How can you believe a concept as… weird as that? Hope’s Peak having a different branch, and not to mention, a group of… untalented students? The whole country views the academy as the most prestigious, and do you really believe that a school as important as Hope’s Peak Academy will just simply sell its name like that?”
It hurts to say that out loud.
He knows about it really well, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he's comfortable with talking about it. It hurts to proclaim that they're just a bunch of untalented students, it hurts to sound so hypocritical, it hurts to blatantly lie to Komaeda.
“It’s not impossible, Hinata-kun, but I respect your opinion.” It hurts that Komaeda’s not wrong.“I understand where you're coming from, I really do, I know that you admire Hope’s Peak as much as I admire it, and the idea of the Reserve Course, I know, is very upsetting.”
‘Upsetting.’
Hinata just wants to cover his ears and run away. He can almost hear what Komaeda’s going to say next, and he knows that it’s not going to feel nice, but he still isn’t able to move from his position. He can’t. “The possibility that people so disrespectful exist, not to mention that they are a whole department, is indeed very… revolting. There's also the fact that they just used money to get in… and that’s just very disgusting indeed.”
‘Disrespectful.’
‘Revolting.’
‘Just used money to get in.’
‘Disgusting.’
“…Yeah.” Hinata doesn’t even want to go against Komaeda’s statements anymore because there was nothing wrong with what he said. Hinata feels weak, like he can’t do anything but just accept everything what he's hearing. “You're right.”
And Hinata hates that. It hurts that Komaeda’s right.
Hinata just wanted to be proud of himself. He thought that after getting in Hope’s Peak Academy, the embodiment of his hopes and dreams, he’d finally be able to attain his contentment. Even if his circumstances were different from the usual enrollment, he still wholly believed in good faith that it will help him somehow.
He didn’t expect that he’d stand out enough to be given an opportunity to mix with the main course, and while that sounded like a heavenly idea at first, it actually just made him realize that the talented ones live in a completely different world than him.
It made him realize that enrolling in the Reserve Course was nothing but merely getting in Hope’s Peak, and doing so doesn’t really do anything about the fact that he's untalented, unremarkable, completely average—it doesn’t change that there's still nothing he can be proud of.
In fact, it only made him feel more ashamed.
He got in by the way of money, the difference in skills became more visible, he fell for someone who'll never feel the same way for him, he's not good enough for the person that he likes, he can’t even compete with the one his liked person fancies—
“…Komaeda, I, uh, have a question to make.” Hinata himself doesn’t know why he's still trying. “Assuming that the Reserve Course is real, don’t you think that it’s at least admirable that the students there are trying to gain a talent? I mean, it’s beyond your bookmark, so you probably haven’t read that part yet, but the book also stated that the Reserve Course is trying to get reconsidered in the main course.”
Hinata feels like he's desperately swimming as fast as he can in fear of sinking and forever losing oxygen as he waits for Komaeda’s response. He feels like he's desperately trying not to breathe because if he does, the water will get in his system, and he’ll faint, and things will be over for him, and everything he's worked for—
Komaeda hums. “If I were to be asked… I’d say it’s not even worth admiring.”
His swimming is slowing down, and it’s getting even harder to breathe. “…Yeah?”
“Talent can’t be learned, Hinata-kun. It’s an inborn thing. I think the Reserve Course is just wasting everybody’s time.”
The water was too strong.
It pushed him on all sides, but he's still trying to swim away.
“Seems so.” Hinata feels like he's choking up. “…I, uh, just realized that I left one of my books in the classroom. I'm just going back to get it real fast, Komaeda. See you in a bit. I’ll return quickly.”
And for now, he was able to.
--
He just wanted to be proud of himself.
He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself. He just wanted to be proud of himself—
Is that bad?
--
‘So exactly how much is the tuition fee of a Reserve Course Student?’
[Delete this message?]
[Yes.]
Hinata puts the phone down and carries on with his business. He was removing his books and notebooks from his bag before he was interrupted. It was the normal setup of things—Hinata studying while waiting for Komaeda to go home. Then once Komaeda finally returns, Hinata would allow himself to chat with him for a while before continuing with reading.
As soon as all his books and notebooks are ready and placed on the table, his phone vibrates. He grabs it, making sure to steel himself before doing so. He was ready with whatever the person will tell him. He has heard everything before, and he doesn’t care anymore.
‘So how much does your family pay? The tuition fee of a Reserve Course Student or that of one from the main course? I mean, it’d be great if they give you considerations since you're their test subject, lol. :-D’
‘Since you're so studious, you probably know how experimentation works, right? You do know your entire situation is just an experiment, right? That’s pretty sad, imo.’
[Delete selected messages?]
[Yes.]
Hinata already knows that. He knows he's nothing but a lab rat, he's nothing but a variable in a big experiment, and since he already knows, he's not going to let himself be affected. It’s not good to be vulnerable each time he receives a message—
‘It’s really no fun when you're not replying. :-/’
‘How about this? If you don’t reply, I’ll tell Nagito that you're from the Reserve Course. So don’t even think about blocking my number or deleting my messages. Don’t think I'm bluffing either. Attached to this message is his contact number. That’s his, right? :-) I can contact him anytime I want.’
‘You have a minute. Time is ticking~’
Hinata freezes.
Now he has never heard that before, nor did he expect it. He's trying to formulate a good reply, and he wonders why he even is bothering. He can just mash in a random combination of letters or maybe a bunch of exclamation points. That counts as a reply anyway, right?
He doesn’t know how many seconds have passed before he was able to finally send in something. He ended up sending a blank message, and just mere seconds after, the minute-hand of the clock placed on the table moved.
He breathes deeply, clutching his phone tighter in his hand, as he stares at the screen.
‘Haha, I knew that'd work. You really don’t want him to know, huh?’
‘Can you just tell me what the fuck is up with you because frankly, I'm really tired with all your bullshit. You don’t have to pull Komaeda into this.’
‘:-) So how much are you paying the school?’
‘The amount that the Reserve Course Students pay. Happy now? Is that all? Can you stop bothering me now?’
‘And that is how much?’
‘Triple the usual.’
‘Whoa, that’s how desperate you guys are, huh. Lol. It’s almost admirable.’
‘How did you find out that I'm from the Reserve Course?’
‘I already answered that. I have my ways. :-)
Anyway, I'm the one asking questions here. How does it feel to be a pathetic lab rat?’
‘Is this an actual question or are you just being an asshole?’
‘I'm going to tell Nagito your secret. :-)’
‘It feels horrible. Happy now? Please don’t tell Komaeda.’
‘I sent it, proof and all. :-)’
Hinata froze. ‘This is a joke, right?’ That was what he typed, but his fingers won’t even hover over the send button. He feels like the water was catching up to him again, the waves much stronger this time, and he knows that if he gets caught, he won’t be able to escape for good.
As if using all his strength, he sends his typed reply.
He taps on the screen repeatedly to keep it from sleeping. The usually fast reply of the anonymous person is taking really too long to arrive, and every second used for waiting feels like acid burning on Hinata’s skin. His hands feel moist, and there is a heavy sensation that seems to have momentarily moved from his chest to his stomach.
The person that he won’t want to know about this the most is Komaeda. Hell, he’d put up with everyone else knowing, even if absolutely all of them will scorn him for it, as long as it will guarantee that Komaeda will never ever know. Hinata knows how horrible and dishonest that sounds, how selfish he's being with that thought, but he doesn’t even feel like retracting it even it makes him feel so terribly guilty—
The reply hasn’t arrived yet. The sensation that Hinata can currently feel in his stomach feels like butterflies… only, instead of butterflies, there were balls of fire blazing as strongly as they could, burning him from the inside with all their might.
Why does this have to happen?
Why to him?
He was just a normal guy, damn, he doesn’t even have a talent, so why—
The door opens almost at the same time as the phone in Hinata’s hand vibrates.
‘Yep, I was kidding. Scared you, didn’t I? Lmao. X-D’
He feels his body relaxing slowly, the uncomfortable sensations that he's feeling weakening and weakening. He puts down the phone and pushes it to the far end of the table as he rests his head on his palms. It’s okay now, he chants in his head. It was all just a joke, Komaeda’s home now, he still doesn’t know anything, everything’s alright—
He feels a soft hand on his shoulder, and he badly wants to look up to face Komaeda, to just let himself get distracted by the seemingly permanently gentle expression on Komaeda’s face… but he can’t even bring himself to do at least that.
“Hinata-kun…” His fingers continue with slowly massaging his own head, and he closes his eyes as he keeps on chanting to himself that things are okay now, that he should stop worrying, the asshole was just being an asshole, Komaeda’s still here, not disgusted, not judging, but even comforting him— “…Is there anything I can do to help? What's going on?”
He feels the strong urge to pound a fist on the table, and he doesn’t resist it. The pain from the impact pulls him back to the real world, and he suddenly shifts back to worry because he doesn’t want to startle Komaeda, and now it’s possible that he did just because he wasn’t strong enough to control himself.
“I-I'm okay.” His voice was still shaking. He thought that he was already calming down, but it seems that he was mistaken. He turned to Komaeda, and he felt conflicted the moment he saw those worried eyes. He didn’t want to worry Komaeda… but he does enjoy the attention at the same time.
“I'm okay.” He repeats. “I'm okay.”
“Hinata-kun…” Komaeda’s frowning. It was rare for Komaeda to do that, so Hinata doesn’t know if he should be flattered or sorry. “What's the matter?”
“I'm okay.” Hinata doesn’t know why those are the only words that he's capable of saying at the moment. He does his best to add. “I swear I'm okay, Komaeda. I'm really okay.”
“…You're worrying me.” Komaeda’s words were a mere whisper, but Hinata caught them clearly. Hinata’s eyes widen in surprise. How long has it been since he last heard those words? “Please tell me what's going on so I can at least help you, Hinata-kun… I know that I'm useless, but—”
“No.” Hinata quickly interrupts. Komaeda is self-deprecating because of him. Hinata really is horrible, horrible, horrible— “That’s not it. That’s not it at all. It’s just that…”
Komaeda nods at him, urging him to continue. Hinata feels the need to take a deep breath before continuing. “…This is going to sound weird, but…” He allows himself to place a hand on Komaeda’s. “…Please change your number.”
“…Huh?” Komaeda looks confused, not that that’s a wonder. Even Hinata knows how weird his request sounded. “Why?”
“Just…” He breathes deeply again. He doesn’t like lying. He doesn’t like hiding. But he has to. “…Please? Please just change it.”
“I don’t understand, but okay…” Komaeda still looked confused for a moment before he decides to replace his expression with a smile, and Hinata just loves his smile very much. “I’ll give Hinata-kun my new number as soon as possible.”
“Thank you.” Hinata sighs. He doesn’t even bother to hide the relief from his voice. He embraces Komaeda for a moment, and even if all he wants to do is stay like that longer, he knows that he can’t overstep his boundaries. “…Really sorry for the weird request. I’ll make it up to you sometime, alright?”
“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda’s soft hand is now on his hair, and he resists leaning to the touch too obviously. “I should be the one making up things to you, so… it’s really okay.”
He didn’t know. He didn’t know that Komaeda felt that way… so he allowed himself to be a little bit selfish. He can’t even fight the small smile on his face that now managed to show up. “If you feel that way… can you hang out with me right now then? Or if you're busy, I'm okay with some other time…”
“Ah, right now is a good time, actually.” Komaeda smiles back. “What does Hinata-kun want to do?”
Hinata didn’t really expect his invitation to be accepted. He was so used to just asking for the heck of it but still secretly anticipating rejection. This turn of events, albeit unexpected, was not something that he would complain about.
“We should do something fun, huh…” Hinata softly chuckles. He still can’t believe it. Komaeda actually still wants to hang out with him. “I mean, when I said ‘hang out’, I was thinking of studying together, but now that I think more hardly about it, it’s better if we do something for fun, after all… So, uh, do you want to do anything?”
“Studying is alright with me, actually. But then again, I think Hinata-kun is studying too much, so it’s probably better for you to unwind.” Komaeda pulls up Hinata from the chair. His hands really are so smooth. “Do you want to eat dinner somewhere? Or have you eaten already?”
--
Unpleasant things happened too that night, but this night was the best he had so far.
Even if he found out that Komaeda pulled Naegi to yet another thing that the two of them used to enjoy together, even if he found out that Naegi replaced him yet again regarding something, even if he shamelessly lost control and confronted Komaeda about something that they already discussed, even if he felt like he did something wrong when he did that, even if because of that the mood was ruined, even if the air was a little tense all the way—
It still was the best night that he had so far because he can’t even remember the last time he went to a restaurant with Komaeda, hell, he can’t even remember the last time they actually ate a meal together. He can’t remember the last time they sat for a long time with nothing to interrupt them, just talking and talking…
And even if it was quite far from how things were before because the atmosphere carried a certain tenseness in it, Hinata was happy because really, is he still in the position to complain?
--
‘Real talk. How does it feel to exist without having anything you can do excellently? Lmao.’
‘It’s funny how the researchers are covering up for you. To quote, they said, “His talent is too important for anyone to just know.” Really funny, right?’
[Delete selected messages?]
[Yes.]
[Are you sure you want to block this number?]
[Yes.]
[You can still view the blocked messages in the ‘Blocked’ folder.]
Like hell Hinata would want to peek at that folder again. There's a reason why those messages are blocked, after all. He has nothing to fear anymore. Komaeda changed his number, so the asshole has nothing that can be used to blackmail Hinata any longer.
He can finally proceed with his peaceful everyday without having to be bombarded by demeaning and unwanted anonymous messages every second. He won’t have to be compelled to reply anymore in fear of being exposed.
Everything’s okay now.
The water stilled, and Hinata can finally catch his breath.
- -- -- -- --