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Liu Qingge noticed a peculiar trait with his new lover.
When it comes to actions of intimacy, the young disciple of Bai Zhan knows that both of them are quite inexperienced, thus prone to more fumbling and grasping at straws.
Which was okay, as they could both explore and experiment together.
— Or at least that's what it should have been.
It had been weeks since he and Shen Qingqiu had progressed from sneaky chaste kisses to full blown make out sessions behind the Qing Jing pavilion.
It had been going so smoothly, or so Liu Qingge thought.
Every time his hands traveled downwards or simply touched below his lover's belt, the usually snarky Qing Jing disciple shoves him away and flees before Liu Qingge could even gather himself.
It had happened quite enough times for Liu Qingge to decide not to turn a blind eye anymore. Yet whenever he tried to ask, Shen Qingqiu proved how acerbic his tongue can be when spewing insults, leaving the Bai Zhan disciple angry and disgruntled. It strained their still new (and somewhat fragile) relationship, making him a bit of a loss on what to do.
He wanted to talk to someone else concerning the situation, but no one knows about his relationship with Shen Qingqiu. They never really hid what they have, though they aren't keen on flaunting about it to everyone. Everyone else seemed to think they're still rivals (which they are, Liu Qingge affirmed, but they're also lovers!) and that worked out well for them.
Now, he wished that someone else knew, so he could ask for some advice.
Grumbling and murmuring to himself, he didn't notice the person turning from the corner, causing them to collide.
He bit back his urge to curse while the other person yelled "MY HERBS" as both of them stumbled to the ground. He carefully stood back up, dusting himself off, and glared at the offending person. It was Mu-shidi.
"Aiyah, Liu-shixiong, can't you help this poor shidi of yours!" the little healer complained. He was scrambling to collect the herbs fallen on the ground, muttering a lot of botanical nonsense Liu Qingge couldn't understand. The Bai Zhan disciple bent down to pick the other herbs, gingerly putting them inside the basket beside Mu-shidi.
"There, finished!" Mu-shidi sighed happily. Then with a flourish, he spun towards Liu Qingge, hands on his hips and frowning. "Now what got you so thinking deep that you didn't notice me?" Mu-shidi narrowed his eyes. "The REAL Liu Qingge would never let his guard down."
Liu Qingge rolled his eyes from his dramatic shidi. He once thought that healers are calm, noble people who help the sick and downtrodden. Whoever said that was a liar. Mu-shidi definitely isn't calm nor noble. He is unhinged and crafty and can be downright evil when he gives treatments. Tales from his Bai Zhan peers can sure be a stuff for nightmares. Now he's very careful not to hurt himself, else he'll find his injured body under the hands of an evil healer.
"Shut up, I was just thinking," he replied. Mu-shidi made an expression he saw far too often in his lover's face too, and he stopped the little healer from opening his mouth. "Don't you ever say that sentence." Mu-shidi placed both of his hands on his mouth and nodded with exaggeration.
Liu Qingge sighed. First, he had trouble with his love life, now he had to deal with his unhinged shidi– wait.
He squinted at the little healer. Slowly, a light bulb seemed to have gone off in his head.
Mu-shidi is a healer, right? Maybe he knows something!
"Right, I have a question to ask," he blurted out suddenly, surprising Mu-shidi. He continued, "I have a... friend. Who has a problem."
Mu-shidi's eyes began to twinkle. "Oh?" he vocalized. "Pray tell what is this friend's... problem?"
Liu Qingge began to double guess his decision to ask. But does he really have a choice? It's not like he can go and ask his shizun.
...Right. Mu-shidi it is.
"My friend has a lover," he began. This made Mu-shidi's eyes shine brighter. "They do some couple stuff – nothing scandalous! – but," he swallowed, "whenever my friend tries to take things up a notch, his lover pushes him away and runs. Is that normal?" He finished, then added, "...is what my friend wants to ask."
Mu-shidi put a hand under his chin and thought, "Maybe the lover is shy? People tend to be overly embarrassed when it comes to physical intimacy."
Liu Qingge thought back on the day Shen Qingqiu cornered him on the wall with his arm beside his head before promptly devouring his mouth. "I don't think that's it."
"When does it usually happen?" Mu-shidi asked.
A faint blush spread on Liu Qingge's cheeks. "That's none of your business!" He yelled, causing the younger man to eye him with suspicion.
"How can I help your 'friend' if I don't know the cause?" He shrugged. "Best of luck to him then."
Mu-shidi started to walk away when Liu Qingge called for him, "Wait! I-I'll tell you."
He put a hand over his face while mumbling. With a sigh, he approached the younger man and whispered in his ear. Mu-shidi gasped in delight and slapped his shoulder, "Liu-shixiong! You dog!"
Liu Qingge sputtered, "It's not me! It's my friend! My friend!"
"Sure, sure," Mu-shidi waved it off. Then he resumed immersing with his thoughts. After a few minutes, he pounded his fist in his open palm. "That could be a trauma response. Maybe something happened in the past that caused them to be fearful of being touched there? You know, that's usually present with people who are sexually assaulted –"
"What?"
"—There are even records that they tend to avoid people with similarities to their aggressor as it could trigger some unwanted memories. Though in extreme cases, they not only avoid people with similarities but everyone. Self-isolation is very common." Mu-shidi took a breath and continued. "There are treatments that help with this and they should help over time, but it's not a cure all and could have some relapses. Some days they'd be fine touching you, other days they'd be repulsed. Sometimes they function really well and seem like a normal person again until they are reminded by something, and it could be as casual as an innocent touch."
Throughout Mu-shidi's long soliloquy, Liu Qingge felt his nerves froze from where he's standing. His mind was filled with static as Mu-shidi's words floated around him.
He thought of the green eyed scholar. The way his body would freeze and his eyes filled with hauntingness that Liu Qingge couldn't explain. He thought of the times he saw his lover turn his back and run away, quick as a mouse being hunted.
His heart squeezed painfully.
Shen Qingqiu.
He had to see him. Now.
"Mu-shidi, I need to go."
--
He found the Qing Jing disciple near the pond, where he was painting a beautiful scenery of the afternoon sky. With his heart still shaken by what he found out, he ran towards the green robed man and enveloped him in an embrace.
"Wha– Liu Qingge, what the hell do you think you're doing!" Shen Qingqiu yelled. He tried to pull off the brute but Liu Qingge clung to him like a leech, refusing to let go. This annoyed the Qing Jing disciple and started hitting him with his brushes.
Liu Qingge didn't mind the pain (not that it hurt much) but he just couldn't let go of his lover. He wanted to wrap him up with a large blanket and hide him from the rest of the world. However, if he did that, Shen Qingqiu would hate him. His lover valued his independence very much. Liu Qingge valued it, too. Shen Qingqiu is the most beautiful when he is free. He doesn't want to be the shackle that chained down the white crane's feet. Still, he wished to protect him.
He noticed the lack of hits on his back. Reluctantly, he let go of Shen Qingqiu and refused to meet his eyes.
Shen Qingqiu huffed and puffed, fixing his now wrinkled robes as he glared at his brute of a lover. Still, he was concerned when Liu Qingge became quiet, not meeting his eyes and hanging his head low.
He set aside the brushes carefully and led Liu Qingge to sit. There was only one chair so he had no choice but to perch on his lover's lap, which made the Bai Zhan disciple tense.
"This is okay for you?" Liu Qingge asked, voice incredibly meek and soft. "Don't force yourself."
A frown made its way on Shen Qingqiu's face. "Why wouldn't this be okay? I'm your lover!" He exclaimed. In the next second, he asked: "Unless you're breaking up with me?"
This alarmed Liu Qingge. "What? No! Why would I break up with you? Why are you thinking of breaking up? We won't break up, I won't allow it!" He roared.
Shen Qingqiu had to cover his ears with the volume of his brute's voice. His frown never left his face. "Then why are you asking such nonsense? Isn't this normal for lovers? You never asked before."
Liu Qingge went silent. His expression became frustrated. He continued not to say anything and instead nuzzled his face on Shen Qingqiu's chest.
"What, acting spoiled?" Shen Qingqiu remarked. He began to caress the hair above his lover's nape. "You're getting too old for this, you know."
Liu Qingge hummed. "A-Jiu," he called. "Will you..." he hesitated. "Will you tell me about your past?"
Shen Qingqiu stopped his movements. Liu Qingge could feel his lover's shoulders tremble.
"What for?" He asked. Liu Qingge lifted his head and stared at his lover's eyes. Shen Qingqiu's gaze was cloudy; the haunted look he saw before was clearer in their proximity.
Liu Qingge rubbed soothing circles on his back. Was it too soon to discuss it with him? Shen Qingqiu is a man of mystery. He never speaks of his past, which left many speculations and rumors running amok. Aside from being brought in by Yue-shixiong, no one particularly knows who Shen Qingqiu was or the family he came from. Liu Qingge can't help but wonder, is he crossing a line?
They're lovers, still relatively new. Had they built enough trust to share more than intimate things like this?
Before he could backtrack and tell his lover to never mind, Shen Qingqiu asked another question, "Is this because I won't let you touch me?"
Liu Qingge wanted to deny it. He should have. But he could never lie to Shen Qingqiu. He can't lie to his A-Jiu.
"I just wanted to know the reason," he said, though even in his ears it sounded like a weak excuse. He quickly added, "You're not obliged to tell me anything. My feelings aren't more important than yours."
Shen Qingqiu chuckled, but Liu Qingge could tell there was no humor in it.
"Thank you, Qingge," he said, tone earnest.
They fell into a contemplating silence. Liu Qingge continued to rub soothing circles on his lover's back, while Shen Qingqiu resumed caressing his lover's hair.
When the sun was beginning to set, Liu Qingge heard his lover say, "I will tell you... but not right now. Not soon either."
The Bai Zhan disciple simply nodded, offering a small smile.
"Take all the time you need," he assured.
Shen Qingqiu gave a small smile in return, a hand cupping his lover's cheek, leaning in to place a sweet kiss on Liu Qingge's lips.