Work Text:
I remember when I first met you;
Awkward strangers with bashful eyes,
Curiosity and hope like a child's prayer.
Tentative chatting without a clue
What each other wants and likes,
If it's worth getting closer together.
I remember our first date,
Beating hearts and brushing hands,
Testing our chemistry, breath held in.
I bought a token to keep this memory safe,
Even though we were only friends,
Thinking, "Maybe one day it has meaning."
I remember the message I sent,
A confession made a day later or two,
A nervous flutter tripping up my heart.
'Please let us at least remain friends,'
I worried while I waited for you,
Thinking that love makes life so hard.
I remember your joy and squeal
And how excited you were, how happy
That our feelings seemed mutual.
Sweet relief that the signs were real,
That I'd read you right. What hazy dream;
Exciting but purely logical.
I remember how I smiled at your texts,
Hesitation stilling my fingers on the replies,
Confused tightness in my chest.
Praying that I will not love you less,
I hype myself up for the extra mile
To show you affection and interest.
I remember how I started to fight in my head,
Angry at me being complicated;
Again battling myself and my past.
Praying, praying more to not get upset,
To not get hurt and not frustrated,
To learn to let someone close, at last.
I remember the nights lying awake,
Heart pounding in uncontrolled dread
When I think about the rush of the chase.
A trail of abandonment in my wake,
I look back and retrace my steps in my head
Until I see an all too familiar haze.
I observe my smiles and laughs,
Imagining your intense eyes full of stars
As chains start constricting my heart.
That happens to the rush once the chase stops;
My stomach flops over, my texting stops,
My mood suddenly drops; my heart stops.
I observe my shift, a familiar pattern
Of wanting and chasing despite knowing better,
Of winning and losing interest in the matter.
That happens when you wake up and regret;
Your feelings reset, chest tight with regret,
Entangled in a self-made web; I only regret.
I observe how I smile at you, trying my best
To fall for you and not love you less;
A child's prayer, only in your interest.
My head resting on your shoulder,
And I ponder about getting older
And still wanting to run until I collapse.
In your embrace, my heart is calm.
It beats slowly, too much time between the beats.
I feel my leg jumping; impatient.
My heart is calm,
But I've always needed the chase.