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Charles felt like he couldn’t breathe.
There were people everywhere, all around him. Voices yelled his name, hands touched his arms, his back, and someone even pulled on his t-shirt, which made him stumble. He tried to keep smiling, to keep his hands steady as he signed hats, phone cases and just about everything the people shoved under his nose.
His ears had started ringing a while ago, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the screams or because he felt like he couldn’t breathe. How did it get this bad? He was used to people surrounding him, asking for autographs or pictures, but this? This was new and it seemed to get worse every week.
He felt like a celebrity. Okay sure, he sort of was a celebrity but he wasn’t that famous. He wondered how all the actors and singers did it, how they dealt with this on a daily basis and not go crazy. Or maybe they did go crazy…
‘Charles, can you sign this please?’
‘Charles!’
‘Charles, over here!’
‘Charles, I love you!’
So many voices kept yelling at him, asking him questions, handing him objects. He tried to keep a polite smile on his face, but it was getting harder every second.
Charles could see the door of the hotel he was supposed to get into, but there were still so many people. They were a big wall between him and safety, quiet and peace. He could only take small steps forward and every few seconds someone would shove a phone in his face, taking a selfie with him. He was sure he looked horrible in all of them, awkward and annoyed.
He wanted to scream at them all to give him some space, to respect personal boundaries, to leave him alone. Hadn’t he already done enough? And where did all these people keep coming from?
A car stopped in front of the hotel and three men got out, causing some of the crowd to focus on them instead of Charles.
More screams. Must be another driver or maybe a real famous person.
A few people ran away from Charles and towards the car, but they only made room for others. More bodies bumping against his own, talking to him, handing him things. Charles couldn’t even hear them anymore. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest and his fingers started to feel numb.
He blindly signed his signature, while his eyes tried to find a way out. He needed to get away from all these people. He needed to breathe. The back of his neck was hot and wet with sweat, and he felt like his t-shirt was clinging to his chest, it felt suffocating.
Suddenly his eyes met two bright blue ones.
Max.
He was standing next to the car, multiple people around him as well, but not nearly as much as Charles had. He was signing someone’s Red Bull cap, but his eyes were fixed on Charles. He raised his brows and Charles felt like he was asking him if he was okay, so he shook his head at him. Because he wasn’t okay, far from it actually.
Max frowned before turning to someone next to him, his eyes no longer on Charles. For some reason that made it all worse for Charles, his breathing quickened, his vision got blurry and his whole body started to feel hot, like it was on fire.
He could feel his heart in his throat while his skin tingled, it traveled up to his shoulders and his head and for a small moment Charles thought he was going to faint. His body seemed to vibrate and his head felt weird, like he was floating. The screams had also dulled, making them sound like he was underwater.
What was happening?
Charles tried to move forward, tried to speak and tell the people to move, but his tongue felt heavy and no words came out of his throat. His legs moved, but when he shifted his weight, he felt like he was falling.
Two hands closed around his elbows then, feeling cool and steady, holding him up.
‘Move, give him some space,’ a voice snarled next to his ear as one of the hands disappeared from his arm to push someone out of the way.
Charles blinked away some black spots as that same hand grabbed onto him again, this time they moved their arm around his waist and held onto his side. Charles leaned against the body that was maneuvering him through the crowd, grateful for whoever his savior was.
‘Get out of the way!’ the voice snapped and something about it sounded familiar.
People made room for them then, moving back so there was a free path to the entrance of the hotel. Charles noticed some worried frowns on the faces he passed and he tried to smile at them.
His legs felt like they were made of jelly as he tried to keep up with whoever was helping him escape. He felt weak and tired and his lungs were burning. Why couldn’t he breathe normally?
‘Charles, you need to breathe, mate,’ the voice said next to his ear again, fingers gripping his waist tightly, as if to remind him that he needed to listen.
Charles tried, but failed.
He gasped for air, choking and coughing on nothing. He felt tears form in his eyes and fear bubbled up in his chest. Was he going to die? God he hoped not, there were so many things he still wanted to do.
‘In through your nose, Charles, breathe in,’ someone said and cool hands cupped his cheeks.
Charles tried again, his whole body was trembling, but he managed to get some air in through his nose.
It was then that he noticed the blue eyes again. The familiar voice made sense now that he saw them, and a lock of blonde hair on his forehead. Max had gotten him out of there.
‘Again, Charles, and breathe out slowly,’ Max said.
‘I- c-ca-n’t,’ Charles choked out, gasping for air again.
‘Godver,’ Max cursed and suddenly Charles was on the floor.
He didn’t know if his legs had collapsed or if Max had made him sit down. His back was against a cold wall and it felt nice against his clammy skin.
Max kneeled before him and slapped his cheek softly.
‘You need to calm down and breathe, now,’ he demanded, his blue eyes looking at him very seriously.
Charles tried again, shakingly breathing in as much air as he could. His vision started to blur again and he felt so dizzy he had to grab onto Max’s arms to not fall over, even though he was already sitting down. He was panting, his breaths coming so quick it almost hurt. Fuck, he really needed to calm down.
‘Look at me, Charles, look at me,’ Max said, tightening his grip on Charles’ cheeks. ‘Try and breathe with me okay? And think happy thoughts.’
Max took a deep breath in through his nose and Charles followed his example, or tried to anyway. He couldn’t get as much air in as Max, and when Max blew out his air through his mouth, hitting Charles’ face with it, he felt even dizzier. He could smell the sweet scent of Red Bull and something minty on Max’s breath and he found he quite liked it. It didn’t however make him breathe easier.
He focussed on the little details. On the blue of Max’s eyes, seeing up close how his long lashes fluttered against his cheeks. The little freckle on his upper lip, his tongue slipping out of his mouth to wet his lips. Nope, not helping. It only seems to make his heart rate go up further and he was still choking for air.
‘Fuck it,’ Max whispered.
And before Charles had any idea of what was happening, Max crashed his lips against his own, kissing him hard. His big hands holding Charles’ face, thumbs caressing his cheeks.
Charles stopped breathing all together then as he froze. His eyes closed on their own account, he couldn’t help himself. Max kept still for a while, just pressing their mouths together, but after a few moments he slowly started moving his lips and Charles felt his body relax a little bit. Just as he was about to kiss him back, Max pulled back.
Charles opened his eyes, surprised to find he stopped panting and he seemed to be able to breathe a lot easier again. The tight band around his chest and lungs had loosened and his vision was no longer blurry.
‘What- How did you do that?’ Charles asked, he still felt a bit shaken and hot, but the tingling had disappeared too.
Max smiled at him and let his hands drop away from Charles’ cheeks.
‘I once read that holding your breath could stop a panic attack and when I kissed you, you held your breath.’
‘I did?’ Charles winced at how high his voice sounded.
‘You did and it seems like it worked, thank god! I was this close to calling an ambulance,’ Max held up his hand and showed him the little space between his thumb and pointer finger.
‘I’m glad you didn’t,’ Charles said, leaning his head back against the cold wall of the bathroom they were in. ‘And I’m glad no one came in here to see my little panic attack.’
Max snorted and sat down next to him on the floor, their shoulders and hips touching, making Charles feel hot all over again, in a good way this time.
‘I hate to break it to you, but that was no little panic attack. I’ve seen my sister have plenty of panic attacks and only a few were as bad as yours just now,’ Max said.
It made sense to Charles now how Max had known what was going on and what to do, or try to do anyways. Charles wasn’t sure if he should feel embarrassed that Max saw him like this, but for some reason he wasn’t.
‘Oh,’ Charles frowned and he played with the bracelets on his wrist. ‘I’ve never had a panic attack before and I hope I will never have one again. It felt horrible.’
Max knocked his knee against Charles.
‘Do you know what triggered it? That’s a good first step to find out, so you can either avoid it for a while or even better, find a way to deal with it,’ Max said and Charles could feel him looking at him. ‘Was it the crowd? They were particularly crazy today.’
Charles shrugged.
‘I’m used to it, but it has been getting worse lately. I feel like sometimes people forget I’m just a person too, you know? That I’m not just Charles, the Ferrari driver.’
Max once again knocked his knee against his, as if to tell him he understood, to show him some support. ‘You should really talk to someone about this, about the insane fans and the panic attack.’
Charles turned his head to look at Max, who was already looking at Charles. His eyes searched Charles' face and he could swear they lingered on his lips.
‘I will, thank you for helping me.’
Max nodded and smiled at him.
‘Anytime.’
***
The next time Charles had a panic attack was only two days later.
He once again was surrounded by a lot of people as he and Carlos signed merchandise and took selfies with their fans. He felt it coming this time, now that he knew the signs a little. He tried to ignore it, to push it down, to keep breathing normally and let the fans distract him, but it didn’t work.
People kept screaming his name, pulling on him, touching him and while it wasn’t as bad as the other day, it did trigger something in him. This was what Max had been talking about. Andrea had given him a few breathing exercises after he told him, but with all the noise around him Charles couldn’t focus on them.
When his hands started shaking and he stumbled against Carlos, losing his footing, he knew he had to get away. He needed to sit down, he needed Max to help him again. It was a stupid thought really, anyone could help him, he could ask Carlos even, but he wanted Max.
Charles started walking backwards, away from the fans, away from the noise. Carlos looked over his shoulder at him, a confused frown on his face, and Charles could see he didn’t understand what was happening. He shook his head at Carlos, but his teammate didn’t know what he meant and focused on the fans in front of him again. It wasn’t fair to Carlos to compare him to Max, but Charles couldn’t help himself.
A hand on his shoulder made him jump, but when Charles turned around he immediately felt a little better seeing Max’s face. The man in question looked down at Charles’ shaking hands.
‘Are you okay? It’s happening again, isn’t it?’ he asked, his eyes scanning Charles’ face.
See. Max knew.
Charles nodded and he took in a deep breath through his nose, it already felt a little easier to do now that Max was next to him.
‘Come on, follow me,’ Max said and he started walking in the direction of the paddock.
Charles looked back to Carlos and the fans, some of them were giving him curious looks, others started screaming again. He smiled at them, waved and then turned around to follow Max. He would apologize to the fans on Instagram later.
‘One, two, three, four,’ Charles started to whisper under his breath like Andrea had told him to do, as he followed Max into the Red Bull motorhome.
He really hoped no one got a picture of that, or he would have a lot of explaining to do. Sure, he and Max were friends, but they weren’t exactly close like he was with Alex, George and Lando for example.
‘Are you counting?’ Max asked as he opened the door to his drivers room for Charles.
‘Andrea said that counting, reading out loud or singing can help with getting your breathing under control again,’ Charles explained, even though Max probably knew this already. ‘Or holding your breath, but I figured that’s a little harder to do on my own,’ Charles whispered the last part, but Max seemed to have heard anyway, because he turned around and grinned at Charles.
‘If you want me to kiss you again, you just have to ask,’ he winked.
‘That’s not helping me slow down my breathing or my heartbeat,’ Charles muttered and he felt blood rush to his cheeks.
He actually felt a lot better already, it wasn’t a big panic attack like before, and he felt like he had it under control now that he was with Max. It was as if his brain knew he was safe now.
‘It helped last time,’ Max shrugged as he sat down on the couch. ‘But you were further gone then, so I guess you didn’t have time to think about it.’
‘You didn’t give me time,’ Charles said as he awkwardly stood in front of Max, his fingers fidgeting with his bracelets. ‘Which was probably why it helped.’
Max raised his eyebrows at him and patted the empty spot on the couch next to him.
‘You can sit down, I won’t bite. Not unless you ask anyway.’
The idea of Max biting him only made Charles’ heartbeat go up again and he felt his breath quicken, but not out of panic this time. He wondered where Max would bite if he could.
‘I thought you took me here, to calm me down again,’ Charles glared at him as he sat down on the couch and pulled his legs up, hugging his knees.
He took another deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling much better already, he didn’t even need Max to kiss him, even though he kind of wanted him too.
He was curious what it would feel like without the panic rushing through his body.
‘You seemed to have done a good job of it by yourself, I don’t think you even really needed my help today,’ Max said, opening a can of Red Bull.
The sweet scent of the drink hit Charles’s nose and his mind flashed back to how Max’s breath had smelled like that, right before he had kissed him two days ago.
‘Your presence helped,’ Charles admitted, biting his lip as he avoided looking at Max.
He hadn’t really meant to say that out loud, but he couldn’t help himself. Somehow he felt comfortable enough around Max, to tell him what he was thinking, maybe it was self protection, maybe he wanted Max to know, so he could help him in the future again.
‘It did? Huh and I didn’t even have to kiss you this time,’ Max grinned, knocking his knee against Charles’ like he had done in the bathroom two days ago.
‘You mentioned the kiss twice now, are you hinting at something,’ Charles teased, meeting Max’s eyes this time.
He shouldn’t have done that.
Max’s eyes seemed to darken and his lips curled up in a devilish smile, his body turned towards Charles and he leaned forward a little bit. He licked his lips and Charles couldn’t help but lean his way too, like an invisible string pulled him towards Max’s body.
‘So what if I am?’ Max said, raising his eyebrows, as if he was challenging Charles.
Was he really? Would he kiss Charles without him having a panic attack? And what did that mean? The idea of Max actually liking him and wanting to kiss him made his stomach twist, in a good way. It excited him.
‘I’d probably let you,’ Charles grinned up at him cheekily, no idea where his confidence came from.
Max his eyes widened a little at his words before he leaned back. A disappointed feeling rushed through Charles’ body at the distance Max created between them again, and his grin faded. Did he misunderstand?
Max tilted his head and looked at him curiously, those beautiful blue eyes once again searching Charles’ face as if he was looking for something.
‘You don’t want to?’ Charles asked and as soon as the words left his mouth Charles wanted to take them back. It sounded pathetic. Stupid, stupid brain.
He blamed his little panic attack for messing with his brain, for letting him think for one second Max would actually want to kiss him.
‘I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to. I know you did it the first time to help me, and I clearly don’t need it now. It’s totally fine, forget I said anything,’ Charles rambled, his breathing quickening again, heat traveling through his body and he wasn’t sure if it was embarrassment or if he was actually giving himself a panic attack now. God, that would be even more pathetic.
Charles quickly got up from the couch, but a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled at his arm. The grip was strong and Charles stumbled forwards and awkwardly fell into Max’s lap instead of next to him. Max’s hands grabbed him by the hips and lifted him up easily , repositioning Charles so he was straddling Max’s legs now . They were so close he could once again smell the Red Bull on Max’s breath.
‘What are you doing?’ Charles asked, confused as to why Max would pull him on his lap after not responding to Charles basically giving him permission to kiss him.
‘Making sure you don’t run out on me,’ Max said, his big hands still on Charles’ hips, as if he was afraid Charles would bolt the second he let go. ‘Because I actually do want to kiss you, I just didn’t want you to feel like I was taking advantage of the situation.’
Charles blinked at him.
‘What?’ the word left his mouth before he could stop himself, he had to know if he heard him correctly.
Max chuckled and leaned forward so their noses were almost touching.
‘I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while now, Charles, and I refuse to think of two days ago as our first kiss.’
Okay so he did hear correctly, Charles could barely believe his ears. Max fucking Verstappen had wanted to kiss him before? Him. His so-called nemesis. Max, who he had known for years and years, who he had hated and adored at the same time. Max, who seemed to be his biggest fan since F1, who always praised his driving, celebrated his podiums with him and was the first to be there to shake his hand or pat his back when he got out of his car.
‘You have? But then why-’
‘Because I wasn’t sure if you really meant it and you also just had another panic attack, I didn’t want to kiss you unless you really needed me too. Or actually wanted me too,’ Max explained, leaning back a little so he could look at Charles properly.
Charles shifted forward on Max’s lap, his hands resting on Max’s shoulders as he moved even closer to him.
‘I want you too,’ he said, butterflies swirling in his stomach in anticipation of feeling Max’s lips again.
He just knew it would be different because while he could feel his body trembling a little, it wasn’t because of panic, no the panic had seemed to have disappeared altogether and in its place was curiosity and nerves. Good nerves.
Max groaned and tightened his grip on Charles’ hips. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked, his face moving closer to Charles slowly and one of his big hands came up to cup Charles’ cheek.
Charles leaned into the touch and nodded, his eyes fluttering closed already.
Their mouths crashed together then, and Charles let out a sigh. His fingers moved to grip Max’s hair and he sighed again when he noticed how soft the strands were. He’d been wondering about that before, but there had never been a reason to touch his hair, that would just have been weird.
Max gasped when Charles pulled on his hair and his hips bucked forward a little, creating a delicious friction. Charles really wanted him to do that again. He angled his head and deepened the kiss, licking into Max’s mouth as he pulled on the strands again. This time they moaned together when they moved against each other almost at the same time.
Kissing Max was addicting and he was good at it, just like he was good at everything else. It was really unfair. Max’s hands wandered to Charles’ ass, squeezing his cheeks and pulling him even closer against his own body, smiling against his mouth when Charles let out another moan.
‘Is this okay? Are you okay?’ Max asked when he broke the kiss, his nose moving over Charles’ cheek towards his neck, trailing his lips over his skin without really kissing it.
Charles whimpered and pulled on Max’s hair again.
‘That’s not an answer, Charles.’
‘I’m okay,’ Charles said, trying to chase Max’s mouth, but the Dutchman decided his neck needed more attention right now. ‘Max,’ Charles moaned when his tongue licked a stripe all the way to his ear, his teeth scraping his earlobe.
‘Yes, baby?’
The nickname made Charles’ insides feel like jelly and he let out another whimper as he tilted his head to give Max better access to his neck. He wanted Max to keep going, but his mind also started to wonder what they would do after this. They had actually kissed now, Charles was not having a panic attack anymore and he desperately wanted more of Max’s kisses in the future.
‘What does this mean?’ Charles blurted out.
Max pulled back to look at Charles, his cheeks were flushed, his pupils dilated and his lips were swollen from kissing. It was a beautiful sight and Charles couldn’t help himself, he brought his fingers up to Max’s face and trailed his lips, lingering on the birthmark on his upper lip. Max smiled and pretended to bite at his fingers, making Charles giggle and pull his hand away.
‘It means whatever you want it to mean,’ Max shrugged when Charles’ fingertips started to trace his jawline.
‘That’s very vague,’ Charles frowned and he removed his fingers from Max’s face.
Max sat up a little and placed his hands on Charles’ thigh as he chewed his bottom lip.
‘Look, like I’ve said, I have been wanting to kiss you for a while now. I like you and I wouldn’t mind spending more time together and seeing where this could go. But if you just want to be friends or if you need me to help you with your panic attacks, then that’s fine with me as well, and I’ll be there for you whenever you need me to,’ Max said, his fingers tapping on Charles’ legs, betraying his nervousness.
Charles shook his head at Max in confusion. How could he be fine with that? Charles would be devastated if he liked someone and they told him they just wanted to be friends or use them for their own benefit. He didn’t think he’d be able to do it.
And how could this man in front of him be the Max Verstappen everyone always said was hard and selfish. Okay, maybe in racing he was, but this showed how much Max actually cared. It made Charles’ heart beat just a little faster, and his palms suddenly felt sweaty.
‘You’re secretly a softie, aren’t you Verstappen?’ Charles smiled, wiping his hands on his shirt before gently taking a hold of Max’s face.
Max opened his mouth to protest but Charles didn’t let him. He kissed him, hard. He took advantage of Max’s shock and pried his lips open with his tongue, licking into his mouth and rocking his hips forward. The kiss was hot, sloppy and wet and when Charles pulled back again, he was panting.
‘I like you too,’ he said, smiling at the way Max’s eyes widened.
But then Max smiled back at him, a full smile, showing his teeth. His eyes lit up, the skin next to his eyes crinkled, it was adorable and Charles felt like he could fly.
***
In the next few weeks, everytime Charles had been close to a panic attack, Max had been there. Sometimes he was right next to him, bumping his shoulder into his, squeezing his arm or whispering sweet words under his breath no one but Charles could hear. He’d call him baby and promised him kisses if he’d count his breaths, it was very motivating to say the least.
Other times Max wouldn’t be next to him but across the room or the paddock. Charles’ eyes would look for him and when they found him Max would smile that beautiful smile of his and Charles would immediately feel better. Max sometimes winked at him or stuck out his tongue, anything really to try and distract Charles from the suffocating feeling, from the hot tingles across his body, from his numb fingers.
When Max wasn’t around at all, Carlos usually was. His teammate knew of his panic attacks now and either called Max for him or tried to distract Charles by telling him jokes, making him play some sort of game with him or turn on one of Charles’ favorite songs so they could sing along together.
‘I think he loves you,’ Carlos had told him one afternoon after a stressful day full of interviews.
Carlos’ words had been on Charles’ mind all day and night and after qualifying, when Charles once again had struggled to breath, clenching and unclenching his fingers while some annoying reporter kept firing questions at him, Max had suddenly appeared next to him, smiling at the woman as he squeezed Charles’ butt before sliding his fingers in the back pocket of his jeans.
He had kept his hand there for the rest of the interview and distracted the woman from asking Charles too many questions, going on and on about how Charles had driven his heart out and that Ferrari was lucky to have him. That he loved racing against Charles, that he challenged him, even when he drove a shitbox. He would probably get in trouble for saying all this, but at that moment Charles didn’t care.
Because right there and then Charles was convinced Carlos was right.
That night he went to see Max in his hotel room.
‘Woah,’ Max laughed when Charles all but jumped into his arms the moment he opened the door, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck.
Of course he easily caught Charles, moving his arms so they were underneath Charles’ ass as he kicked the door closed.
‘What’s gotten into you, monkey,’ Max chuckled, walking them towards the big bed in the middle of the room. ‘Feeling better?’
‘Much better,’ Charles nodded, hiding his face in Max’s neck and enjoying the feeling of their bodies against each other.
‘I came to tell you something,’ he mumbled when Max sat down on the bed, keeping Charles in his lap.
‘Okay,’ Max smiled at him, kissing the tip of his nose. ‘Tell me, baby.’
Charles sat up so he could look at Max, he wanted to see the look on his face once he told him. He wanted to see his mouth open in shock, he wanted to see those pretty blue eyes widen before his face would lit up and his lips would curl up into Charles’ favorite smile in the world.
Or, Charles hoped he would react like that.
‘So, I know we haven’t been dating for that long,’ Charles started, his fingers playing with the neckline of Max’s t-shirt. ‘But, you’ve been my rock since that first panic attack. You’ve been there for me through it all and you’ve shown me what an absolute softie you are.’
Max narrowed his eyes at Charles, but he was still smiling.
‘I’m a softie just for you and you know it, but go on.’
Charles giggled and took a deep breath, he was just going to say it.
‘I love you.’
Max didn’t disappoint. He reacted just as Charles had hoped. His mouth dropped open in a silent ‘o’ before his entire face lit up in a huge smile and his hands came up to cup Charles’ face as he beamed at him.
‘You have no idea how happy that makes me, baby. I love you too, more than any words can tell,’ Max said, kissing him softly.
Charles actually felt tears burn in his eyes as they kissed. Gentle, slow, loving, taking their time and trying to express as many feelings as they could with their lips, their tongues and their hands.
Charles hated his panic attacks, but he was thankful for them. Because without them, he wouldn’t have found his way to Max like this and he could not imagine his life without him anymore.