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"Great, just what this town needs."
I slow down, so does Dina, waiting for him to finish.
"Another loud mouth dyke."
I stop, my smile falls and I turn around.
"The fuck did you just say?" I spit at Seth while pointing a finger at him. Dina tries to get me to walk away but I can't.
Joel apparently has been summoned.
Somehow every time I get into an altercation, there he is. He's always there for me.
Joel walks over and pushes Seth out of my way. "Get the hell out of here"
"Get your hands off me."
Maria and Tommy step in.
"Hey." Maria almost yells
"Enough" she says quieter with her hand on Joel's chest, and Tommy's on Seth.
Maria turns to Seth. "Come on" her and Tommy lead him out.
Joel watches them leave then turns to me.
"You alright kiddo?" He says softly.
I sigh "yeah, I'm fine."
I look at Dina, she's standing a few steps away, waiting for me. I look back at Joel.
"You shouldn't have done that." I say so only he hears
"He had no right." He says pointing back to where Seth was standing.
I look at the ground. There's people staring, I feel uncomfortable.
"I know." I pause. "I'll see you later."
He nods, I turn back to Dina and she grabs my hand. "You okay?" She asks.
"Fine. Let's go."
….
Later that night I feel guilt eating at me.
I shouldn't have just left Joel there.
He stood up for me. I would have been fine on my own. But he cares. Cares about me. Joel loves me more than anyone I know. Even though he's never said it, neither have I. It's like this unspoken agreement, we love each other but we don't say it, we don't bring it up.
I walk up the steps to the porch. Joel's sitting there on the chair playing his guitar.
I stop and listen for a moment. He's playing a calm, slow song, one I've heard him play before.
He stops when he sees me.
"Hey" he says
I walk over and lean against the railing. He does the same with a mug in his hand.
"What are you drinking?" I ask
"Coffee."
I frown. "Where'd you get that?"
"Those people that came through last week" he pauses before continuing. "A little embarrassed as to what I had to trade to get it, but… it's not bad". He takes a sip.
It's silent for a moment. So I speak.
"I had Seth under control." I say, and it's true I would have kicked his ass, if Joel didn't step in. Maybe it's a good thing he did.
"Yeah, I know."
"And you need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols." I continue.
"Okay." He says simply.
"Okay" I repeat.
We fall into a weird silence, not awkward, just weird. Until he says.
"Dina… is she your girlfriend?" He looks at me.
My cheeks turn red. "No!" I blurt out.
He didn't know. He never knew. Even the whole time I was with Cat he never knew. I didn't know what he would think, how he would react, so I never said anything.
I breathe. "No I- it was just one kiss. It didn't mean anything. I just- I don’t know what she did that."
My hands are sweating. Why am I so nervous?
"But you do like her though?" He asks calmly, his voice deep.
I purse my lips. I look down and hide my face in my shoulder. "I'm so stupid" I mumble.
"Look, I have no idea what that girl's intentions are, but I do know she would be lucky to have you."
I almost smile. Almost
I turn to him and look at his eyes. The same eyes that lied to me. The same eyes I trusted.
As I think about all the lies I realize it was just one.
And I miss him so much that I don't know if I can keep being mad at him. But I don’t think I can forget.
"I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would have fucking matter." I change the subject.
He mumbles something I can't hear.
"What?" I look at him.
He sighs and looks at me. "It does"
I pause.
"Your life matters to so many people". he lets out a breath.
"It matters to Dina, to Jesse, Tommy, Maria." He pauses "You matter to me, Ellie." His voice cracks.
I look at him surprised. His eyes are watery, like he's fighting back tears.
"Joel I-" he clears his throat.
"Ellie, you are the only person worth saving. I wish you had a better world to live in but I-" this time I cut him off.
"What you did was selfish."
"I know… but if somehow the lord gave me a second chance, I would do it all over again." He responds.
I think for a minute. "I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for that. But I would like to try." My voice cracks.
He nods. "I'd like that." His voice is thick with emotion.
"Okay" I wait there for a moment. When he doesn’t say anything else, I start walking down the steps. I stop on the second step.
"Do you have patrol tomorrow?"
"No." He says almost immediately.
"Do you- do you wanna watch a movie tomorrow?" I ask hesitantly.
"Yea- yes" he smiles.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."