Chapter Text
Stan opened the chapel doors a check for 50,000 bucks in hand with Kyle not far behind
"Dude I can't believe we're doing this"
Stan looked at his best friend "Dude we gotta do this"
Kyle shrugged as he followed him and adjusted his sweater vest "I mean it seems extreme! Like we're killing a pony!"
Stan stopped realizing he didn't mention why they were paying his uncle to kill a pony so Stan turned around and looked Kyle in the eyes "Kyle what if I told you we were killing the pony because cartman's training it to bite your head off?"
Kyle gave him a blank look "well even if cartman just liked this pony it should fucking die"
Stan chuckled and stood next to Kyle as they walked down the church isles "exactly dude cartman disurves it because well" he paused for a moment "he's an asshole"
Kyle scoffed and laughed a little as they stopped in front of the door at the back of the church "Dude you say that like I don't hate cartman with every bone in my fucking body"
Stan tilted his head a little and smiled as he knocked on the door "Yeah I know you do Kyle I mean you got into a fight with him last week"
Kyle glared at Nothing "I will break his spine for breaking my arm"
Stan looked at Kyle's casted arm "please do-"
The door opened and it wasn't who they were hoping for and no it wasn't father maxi
Stan groaned "oh god…"
The priest looked at them and bite his lip "Hey there little fellas~"
Kyle rolled his eyes "yeah yeah hey where's Jimbo"
The priest moved his arm toward the back room "why don't you two come in the back room and-" he was cut off by getting clonked on the back of the head and knocked out by the person they were looking for with a bat
"I SAID LAY OFF MY NEPHEW!" Jimbo yelled, then nudged the passed out priest into the back room and closed the door and knelt down, dropping the bat and ruffling Stan's hair? Hat? He Ruffled stans hair and hat
"Hey bud" Jimbo said a little too casually for what he just did
Stan stared at his uncle for a moment "Uh thanks-" he clears his throat "Hey uncle Jimbo!" He tried to step away from the nugies but to get pulled and nugied
"So how's my favorite nephew doing?" He let go of a mildly dizzy stan as stan stumbled back next to Kyle "uuh good uncle jim" Kyle put his hand on stan's shoulder to hold him in place as stan shook his head a lot then looked at his uncle who was in his priest wear
His uncle Jimbo became a priest last year because he was bored after he and Ned stopped hanging out so Stan would have to awkwardly see him every other Sunday reading that weeks sermon
Jimbo laughed and stood back up straight "why are you looking at me like that you look like you saw a ghost"
Stan opened his mouth and closed it a few times then spoke "jimbo we need you to be a redneck again"
Jimbo gave him a funny look "why do you need me to do that?" He clasped his hands in front of himself
Stan strained smile and didn't speak because Kyle did it for him
"Because that fat bastard! cartman is training a pony to kill me like a FUCKING PSYCO!" Kyle was red in the cheeks from anger and was shaking his fists
Stan looked at Kyle and patted him on the shoulder once then looked at Jimbo "so we need you to kill the pony"
Jimbo looked at the both and sighed "well I'm sorry boys I just can't do redneck things anymore I am now a priest and I just can't do such a sin"
Stan looked at him and tilted his head a little "well- um" he looked at Kyle and got an idea then looked at Jimbo "we'll get Ned to hang out with you again!" Kyle looked at him and smiled at him at how that's a way to maybe convince Jimbo then Kyle looked at his friend's uncle "Yeah! We'll get Ned to hang with you again"
Jimbo looked at them "well that is a good deal but I just can't take it I am a good person now"
Stan sighed as he knew he would have to give Jimbo the check he brought to convince him "we'll pay you"
Jimbo turned around and put his hands up in a praying way "I am a child of light now I have no desire for your earthly money"
"50,000 dollar's"
Jimbo laughed and took off his priest robe as he turned around and under it he had on his redneck wear and bent down and tilted his head "really~?"
Stan held up the check and Jimbo grabbed it aggressively and grabbed a gun that appeared out of nowhere and ran out of the church and opened the door and before he left he flipped off the ceiling "I FUCKING RENOUNCE BEING A PRIEST" then he left closing the door very hard
Stan and Kyle looked at each other and both shrugged
☆—-----------------------------------------------------☆
Stan and Kyle sat on the top of a fence eating fudge pops at Bill Denkins farm as they watch Denkins bags up the dead pony
Stan bites into his fudge pop which makes Kyle give him a mildly weirded out look "dude"
Stan looked at him "what?"
They heard a yell from a cartman who had wrapped his black hoodie around his waist "IT'S DEAD!?"
They both watched snickering and laughing Denkins explained how he found it dead this morning from 38 gun shots to a very pissed off and crying cartman then walked off to finish bagging up the dead pony
Cartman got on his hands and knees and screamed in anger and glared at stan and Kyle "HAVE YOU TWO FUCKING ASSHOLES HAVE NO GOD DAMN GUILT!!?"
Kyle and Stan look at each other and stan spoke
"You feel guilty at all?"
"Nope, you?"
"Zero guilt"