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Mary looks over at them.
They’re out on the quidditch stands, Lily and Mary are sitting next to each other– both of them with a book in hand, waiting for the quidditch game to start. It’s warm, almost summer, and the days only get longer and longer. Brighter and brighter.
Mary drops her book and looks over at them again— at Marlene and Dorcas. They’re standing close together, whispering and laughing. They’re always together these days, ever since their rivalry had turned into friendship. Anyone with eyes can see that they’re flirting. Everyone knows except for the two of them.
I’m losing her interest, Mary thinks– and hates herself for it. She knows it’s not fair, they’re still best friends, but it hurts nonetheless. It hurts that they can’t talk for more than five minutes before Marlene starts ranting about Dorcas again.
Everyone else thinks it’s funny, watching Marlene and Dorcas embarrass themselves in front of each other, taking bets on when they’ll get together, but Mary thinks that she’s losing her. It feels as if she’s in the business of losing her interest, as if she could make a living off of it, and she seems to turn a profit each time that they speak.
“You okay?” Lily asks. Mary thinks she knows, Lily has always been able to just tell with Mary– no matter what it is.
Come over, come over.
“Yep.” Mary says and buries her nose in her book again. Lily doesn’t press further.
She is okay, really she is— or at the very least she will be. She’s not the first person at Hogwarts to have an unrequited crush on her best friend and she knows she won’t be the last. Unrequited love is something buried deep underneath the grounds, maybe even under the quidditch field, and it’s been there since before she got here. Generations of broken hearts are resting six feet under and they’ll still be there when she leaves. Hers along with them.
Mary thinks Hogwarts was designed to kind of look like it’s crying– with its windows as the eyes, sullen and big– weeping. She might be projecting, though, because everything seems especially sad to her these days.
She’s had a fight with Marlene, and it had been extremely petty and immature; on both their parts. It had started at breakfast, and again it had only taken a couple of minutes before Marlene had started going on and on about Dorcas. Everyone had been laughing at Marlene’s obvious pining, but Mary had eventually rolled her eyes. Which Marlene had noticed.
“What?” Marlene had asked, harsh and blunt.
The table fell quiet, eyes turning to look at them. “Nothing,” Mary shrugged.
“I saw you.” Marlene had snapped.
“No shit, I’m sitting right in front of you.” Mary had snapped back.
Marlene had that look on her face, as if she was going to start shouting— but she hadn’t. She had stared Mary down for what felt like hours, but eventually she had gotten up and stormed out. It had only taken a second for Dorcas to get up from the slytherin table to follow her.
It continued like that for several days, passive aggressive remarks and doing the absolute most to avoid each other. Marlene sat at the slytherin table most days, staring daggers at Mary and Mary kept glaring daggers back at her.
Come over, come over.
So Mary was sad, and everything around her seemed to reflect what she felt on the inside. She didn’t want to be fighting with Marlene. She wanted to be laughing with her, shoulder to shoulder on the common room sofa.
Come over, come over.
Eventually she did– or Mary did, it was hard to tell. Both of them came crawling back to each other with half assed apologies and nervous laughing. Marlene never asked her why she had rolled her eyes, and Mary never told her; and things went back to normal.
Mary swore to remove the foot from her mouth, the one making her impulsive whenever Marlene came near. She’d keep herself in check— and she wouldn’t lose her. She’d be good and nice and Marlene’s best friend.
It’s late— or it’s early in the morning. Mary is drunk but she can’t sleep. Everyone else has already dozed off hours ago, but Mary is wide awake. Marlene had fallen asleep in her bed, so really, how is she supposed to be able to sleep?
“Hnngh—” Comes a sound, and Mary looks over at Marlene in her bed who’s suddenly awake and rearranging herself to sit up. They’re shoulder to shoulder and Mary can feel her entire body lighting up at the simple, not even intended, touch.
Mary laughs quietly. “You good?”
Marlene looks over at her, struggling to keep her eyes open. The sun came up hours ago and it’s peering through the windows. Marlene looks messy and ruffled, eyeliner smudged all over her face— and Mary wants to even it out with her thumb.
“I feel like death.” Marlene mutters, unaware of the yearning forming in Mary’s chest. Mary would think it’s radiating off of her, impossible not to sense with just so much as a glance. It’s overwhelming— all consuming.
“You look like it.” Mary lies.
Marlene gives her the finger. “Fuck you.” she says, but there’s no punch behind it. It almost sounds like something soft. Almost like an endearment.
There are so many words at the tip of her tongue, fighting their way out— but Mary keeps them inside. Doesn’t dare to say them. Doesn’t dare ruin things. She lets the words die on her tongue, tasting them like something lethal. They turn sour in her stomach when she swallows them down.
Come over, come over.
“How are you feeling?” Marlene asks, filling the quiet.
“Wide awake.” Mary says, instead of something stupid like on fire, right next to you.
“Didn’t you sleep?”
“Couldn’t.”
Marlene hums in response. Mary thinks she might be dozing off again— and then she feels Marlene leaning her head against her shoulder. Then she’s snoring quietly. Mary feels her entire body heating up from the contact. The urge to pull her closer. The urge to never take her eyes off of her again.
With this view, she thinks, with this view in the mornings— she would never go back. She’d stay in this bed with Marlene, her head against her shoulder, feeling her breathe. She’d keep them here. Maybe that’s selfish, a little greedy— but it’s early in the morning and she’s drunk. She allows herself to imagine it. She allows herself to imagine the two of them, hidden away from everyone else, and they wouldn’t tell anyone where they were. No one would ever find them.
Come over, come over.
Dorcas finally asks Marlene to go to Hogsmeade with her and Marlene is over the moon about it. She can’t stop talking about it— can’t stop pinching herself, terrified it might be a dream.
Mary is happy for them, or at least that’s what she tells herself. She’s happy that Marlene is happy, at least there’s that. That’s all she wants, honestly. For Marlene to be happy— she deserves it. She deserves all the happiness in the world, even if Mary won’t be the one to give it to her.
Lily hugs her extra tight that morning, and Mary knows for certain now that she knows. That she has always known. Lily doesn’t say anything, not outright, but Mary can see it in her eyes and she’s grateful to be seen.
Mary takes a deep breath and thinks, someday I’m gonna be somebody people want.