Work Text:
jeno lee, april 23rd 2000 - june 23rd 2018
there are yellow tulips at his funeral. jeno remembers asking for them before he died; he's glad jaemin remembered. he didn't want today to be a sad day, and they go so well with the summer day. he's always loved the symbolism behind them. if jeno could have it his way, he wouldn't be having a funeral at all.
his noona looks beautiful as always. her hair is up in a ponytail, which has always been his favourite hairstyle on her, and she's wearing her most expensive coat which jeno has stolen too many times to count. she was the one who had found him, even though he hadn't meant for anyone to find him at all. her tears tell him everything, and he's eternally sorry to her.
his friends look so handsome in their matching suits. jisung's managed to put his tie on backwards somehow, but mark's quietly fixing it for him. he's never seen his friends look so formal in his entire life. it's a bit unbelievable that they're so dressed up for him.
jaemin looks wrecked. his hair is all mussed from a combination of hair products and running his hands through it. his eyes are red and swollen, and his eyelids are all fucked up. he hasn't said a proper word since he arrived. he'd whispered something to jeno's lifeless body before the funeral started, but jeno hadn't caught it. jeno still thinks he looks pretty, even like this. he wishes he could kiss jaemin's frown away.
he refuses to look at his parents. he doesn't want to know what expression they're wearing. are they sad? angry? embarrassed? he thinks about all those times his mom had told him that he'd go to hell if he killed himself.
jeno's surprised to see that his haraboji made it, sitting behind his parents, clutching his aunt's hand. jeno had hoped his haraboji would have passed away before he ever did. jeno had only seen him cry once when jeno's halmoni had passed away. now he'd seen his grandpa cry twice, and it hurt more than anything.
not everyone could come, though. renjun had moved back to china half a year ago, and no one had any idea how to break the news, let alone invite him. his other grandparents are far too old and dementia-ridden to come all the way from incheon; he hasn't seen them in 3 years anyways. chenle's parents wouldn't let him come; he's too busy with school or something. at least that's what he'd overheard mark say, but jeno knows chenle's parents have always disliked him, plus chenle's not really that close with him.
it's a small funeral, just his immediate family, mark, donghyuck, jaemin and jisung, as well as a few aunts and uncles he kind of knows and church friends, but he likes it that way.
mark's eulogy is full of sentimentality and it's beautiful to listen to. mark's always had a way with words, and he sounds so sad that for a moment, jeno forgets that mark's talking about him. jaemin is a mess of tears and snot as he tries so hard to get his words out, he's never been very good at expressing his love through words but he does well. jeno doesn't know how to describe how he feels, but his stomach feels all warm, and suddenly, he doesn't want to be there anymore.
jeno looks down at himself in the casket, and it's a weird feeling. he looks strangely normal like he's sleeping and not at all dead. his cheeks are pink, and someone's figured out how to style his too-long hair. he's dressed in a similar suit to his friends that covers his mutilated arms, and he looks nice. strangely, he doesn't regret his decision.