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Had Killua known Gon’s skull was as thick as a rock, he probably would have thought twice before falling in love.
He knew it wasn’t easy to control, and he knew a thing or two about having a say about his emotions –it was usually easy, but this was different. Still, had he known, he could have at least tried instead of letting himself go in the current of his feelings for Gon.
He doesn’t mind that much. Killua is quite normal about it, letting his feelings settle like a warm embrace that follows him everywhere. He is young, he has time, he’s not desperate. And he also knows that it’s for the best that Gon doesn’t know, at least for as long as it can last. Killua wouldn’t know what to do if Gon ever knew, and he is quite sure he would find a way to ruin it somehow.
There are times when Gon is on the verge of realizing, and Killua has to hold his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has happened more than once, but not as many times as one would think, not with Gon’s null self-awareness. He was very perceptive, his instincts as sharp as a knife, but he was also innocent most of the time, and held Killua in the highest regard. He would never think Killua had something to hide from him; even if he did, even if he had.
He had successfully repressed the feelings that had flourished the moment he had seen Gon, that very first time. And it wasn’t hard to hide during the trials of the exam, busying his mind with other things. The exam may not have been as hard as he thought it could be, but it was a positive distraction, falling back into his old habits for the sake of survival and success.
But Gon coming back for him had stirred something in his mind, and the moment they had some peace and quiet at Gon’s home, it was impossible to get rid of his thoughts. He always tried his best to forget about it and act normal around Gon, but there are moments when there is no other choice but to go down that road. And it’s mostly at night, with Gon sleeping next to him, his chest rising and falling, so alive when all Killua knows is death , that he wonders. What would he do if he found out?
Killua had come to put a name to the feeling that overcomes his senses the moments Gon is so close he might see through his heart. It is not butterflies, as other people say, and it’s not his feelings acting up. It’s plain fear; fear that he will notice, fear that all will change, fear that Gon will reject what Killua has been trying so hard to hide, and fear that he will leave, taking with him the light he had brought into Killua’s life.
The first time Killua felt that pure, white fear in his gut, they were back at Whale Island. Gon had taken him home, and Killua had met his family. It was normal, a breath of fresh air after all they had gone through in such a short time.
One of those moments, and the very first time his fear of being known overtook him, was that one day they went butterfly hunting. They were running down hills, laughing hysterically yet suffering no shortness of breath, when one of the butterflies they had been following led them to a flower field, hidden in the valley. Gon knew where they were, knew it like the back of his hand, but Killua could swear he had seen nothing as beautiful as that view.
Well, maybe one other thing.
It was so simple, yet so full of meaning for Killua, the moment Gon smiled at him and said, “Have you ever made a flower crown?”
Killua smiled and said no , because that was the truth. That’s for girls and kids, he said, and Gon giggled. And then Killua’s light started picking flowers around him, right then and there, before sitting down and braiding the stems together into a crown of blue, purple, and yellow.
“You have to do it like this, you know, so that they don’t fall,” he instructed. Killua had been simply staring at him, at a loss.
He was prompted into action when Gon’s words made him get out of his daze. He quickly gathered a few flowers he thought might suit Gon: red, orange, and pink. Lively, just like him.
Killua kept standing, too distracted to even think about sitting down. He skillfully braided the stems as Gon had shown him. He hid his face from the sun, trying to convey a slight blush to go away, feeling like he had been caught in broad daylight doing something that was out of place. At least for him.
When Gon stood up again and approached him with the crown ready, Killua didn’t know how to react. He simply stood there, frozen in place, his crown already done and completely taken aback. He could barely breathe. It was a reaction he had come to realize was deeply associated with Gon, the only one ever to make Killua feel like he was misstepping and he would free-fall. So Gon approached him, his face so close. He stood tall, reached out, and put the crown on top of Killua’s head.
Then he smiled. He beamed like the sun.
“It suits you! Killua, you look so pretty!”
Pretty was a word he would have never thought about himself. Nor would anyone think about him, for that matter. But when Gon said it, it felt like it fit, like it was true, like Gon truly believed he looked pretty.
The blush he had been trying to hide flourished completely, and Killua had to look away, playing dumb. He believed he made some sort of acknowledging sound, but was too blinded to look into Gon’s eyes. So he stuck to his actions and crowned Gon as well.
Killua’s crown was perfect. He was great at mastering new skills, and he knew it was perfect. But what made it perfect was Gon’s wide smile, and Killua thought his heart would bounce out of his chest with how loud it was pumping. It was usually quiet, having undergone years of training, its beating as silent as a sigh. But right then, he was sure there was no physical way a heart could be that loud, and he thought Gon may hear it, standing only a few inches away. But Gon didn’t seem to mind at all, and Killua thought his secret might be safe.
This wouldn’t be the time Gon would realize, he quickly gathered.
“You too,” Killua said, looking up into the sky. A frown shadowed his eyes, he stared directly at the sun. Tell him , he told the star, I dare you . The sun was a witness and probably knew all about him, for Killua hadn't had a chance to hide amidst the shadows. “You look pretty, too, Gon.”
Gon giggled beside him, unaware, and it soothed his heart.
It happened many times throughout their time together. He realized he cared way more than he should, way more than he would ever admit, and it came to light in spite of himself whenever Gon was in danger in front, or far away from him. He had accepted it because he already knew, knew that this was someone he would die for, would kill for, and would even live for.
Still, he was never prepared for the moments when others would realize, when others would be aware of simply how much Gon meant to him, how he was a priceless jewel Killua would murder the greatest of hunters in cold blood to protect if he had to.
And he was even less prepared for the moment Gon realized.
They had been through so much together that Killua felt like he knew Gon better than he knew himself. He knew his breathing patterns, his steps, his heartbeat. Nothing new for a killer, though, he had noticed those as soon as he met him; he knew that about everyone he met. No, what was new for him was noticing the way the sun would bounce off of his golden eyes, or the way his smile or even his laugh would make Killua's heart flutter about. He knew Gon's secrets, he knew Gon's sorrows, he had seen his bond with nature, and he knew the way he loves to whisper to the sea and the moon. Those were things a killer wasn't allowed to experience, wasn't allowed to care about. Yet his upbringing was the first thing Killua had abandoned for Gon, and Killua knew all this and much more.
The day Gon realized, was actually at night.
They were travelling in the darkness, moving slowly. There was no rush. They had simply found the quiet amidst the storm that was their lives, and had decided to move cities. They could have easily run there, arrive faster, or even gotten a car. But Gon's need for nature was strong, and Killua had decided to comply.
They were in the woods when Gon caught a glimpse of them. A soft light humming in the shadows, moving erratically, calmly, beautifully.
Fireflies.
They were everywhere. And they were beautiful. They illuminated the dark green ceiling of the forest above them and the bed of grass under them. There were as many as the stars are in the sky, flying about in the small clearing. They weren't threatened by the hunters' presence; they didn't even move an inch out of their course. Killua's steps were softer than a feather, and Gon had hidden his presence the moment he caught the light.
Gon marvelled. Killua believed he had been made for this, to enjoy the small stuff in life, the beauty of nature, the perfection of the world.
But when Gon turned around and his gaze fell on Killua, his eyes lit like a bonfire, Killua understood; he understood that it was the other way around, that it was the universe which had been made just to be seen by Gon's eyes.
Gon's eyes focused on something on Killua's cheek. A firefly had approached him and was now resting on his skin. He hadn't even noticed, even with his senses sharp. The firefly nuzzled against him, and Gon smiled with his eyes, containing a giggle, as his hand reached out to brush the firefly off of Killua's face.
Killua, frozen in place, let him. He wasn't even breathing at that point; the situation was very much similar to that day at the valley.
He felt the warmth of Gon's fingers on his skin, the softness of his caress, before his brain could process what was going on. Gon didn't even brush off the firefly, instead distracted with making Killua suffer the longest second of his life. And without his permission, Killua's own hand reached up towards Gon's, softly grabbing it. He wasn't as gentle, wasn't as careful. He was all instincts and panic –afraid he would notice, afraid he would feel Killua's heart hammering in his chest or hear the telltale of Killua's shortness of breath–, and the firefly flew away in a moment.
When Killua's hand made contact with Gon's, Gon realized. He must have. The soft touch, the fearful eyes, and then a literal sparkle coming to life. Killua's Nen was acting up, electricity sizzling in his fingers, where he touched Gon's skin. But it wasn't threatening, nothing more than a buzz, a soft hum that went up in the air and sent shivers down Gon and Killua's spines.
Gon's eyes widened, and Killua realized too. He had failed. He had failed, he had failed, he had failed . How could he fail to such an extent that even his Nen would manifest itself? He was supposed to keep that in check.
Killua took a step back as quickly as he could, and when he looked back, he could see Gon was sad.
He had fucked up.
"Killua…"
He must have realized. He could see it in his eyes. He could see Gon piecing everything together, the longing stares, the quick reactions, the shortness of words, all the things Killua suffered in his presence. And he knew then there was no point in hiding anymore, so he said the only sane thing he could come up with.
"I'm sorry, Gon."
And he meant it.
"Sorry? What are you sorry for?"
Killua looked away. He had to. For everything. For everything. For dragging you with me, for slowing you down, for being a stone in your pond, for not being enough, for bringing death to your life, for being who I am, for… "For ruining it. Your fireflies. They left."
Killua worded it on purpose, hoping Gon would catch his meaning. And judging by the way he could feel Gon's intense gaze, he was sure he knew.
But when Gon's hand on his made him look back, he noticed there was a fire in Gon's eyes, one that even thousands of fireflies could never even hope to rival.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere."