Archive of Our Own

Today is…

Today is bad. He feels bad.

It's barely nine in the morning, the day is just beginning, and yet before Buck even opens his eyes, he knows it's bad. And the stupidest thing is maybe for the first time in a while, he didn't see it coming. He was so caught up in how things in his life has started to get better, so caught up in soaking the pleasure of the people he loves finally getting to experience happiness and joy in their lives, so caught up in letting himself go to the feeling of whatever he has going on with Eddie for the past weeks that for a moment he fell in the mistake of forgetting how screwed up of a being he really is deep in his core but today as Buck slowly cracks his eyes open, the universe makes him remember.

And it's so stupid— god , it's so fucking frustrating, he survived a firetruck falling on top of him, he survived a pulmonary embolism— hell, he survived a lightning strike for fuck's sake, but he can't survive his own twisted mind and on days like this, surrendering comes just so, so easy. His brain wraps around his soul like a messy spider web, pours its poison in his chest, and Buck lets it. He surrenders. Because he is too weak to fight back.

On days like this, it feels like there are needles prickling his skin. The sight of his body disgusts him, the heaviness of his limbs twists his stomach, and the beat of his own heart pushes him towards the edge of insanity. It's days like this when Buck hates every piece of himself more than he despises the world around him.

On days like this, Buck doesn't want to exist. He just wants to disappear.

The good thing is— given the circumstances, he doesn't have a shift today so he can at least stay in bed all day and drown in his misery, because Buck doesn't know how he would handle functioning like a proper human being if he were at work. There is no guarantee he will be better by the time tomorrow comes, but his brain is too slow and mushy to think of that right now. He doesn't give a shit anyway.

Rolling onto his side, Buck sticks his arm out of the covers and reaches for the nightstand to grab his phone. Even though the brightness is not that high, he can't help but squint his eyes when he stares at the screen, and a text from Eddie with an image attached to it catches his sight.

The text says good morning with a picture of a stack of pancakes that Buck guesses Eddie made, there is a smiley face made of blueberries on top staring at him, and all of a sudden his breath hitches, heat spreads Buck's face and tears sting the behind of his eyes. He bites his quivering lips and sniffles a cry that is trying to escape as his brows wrinkle and his vision starts to blur— why is he even getting emotional, he just woke up, his feelings are swirling like a hurricane and he can't even name what it is, but his chest feels heavy, there is an ache in his heart.

Buck sucks in sharp breath and runs a hand down his face, pressing the tip of his fingers on his eyelids as he collects himself, and types back a morning before putting the phone back on the nightstand. It's the best he can do without breaking into sobs for who fucking knows why, maybe it's because deep down he's aware he doesn't deserve one bit of affection coming from Eddie and saying that out loud is more than enough to destroy him.

Because he’s not enough. Not just for Eddie, but for no one. Not even for himself. That’s what his mind tells him. It tells him that he’s not good enough, that he’s a disappointment.  Neverending thoughts gnaw at every curve of his brain and whispers he’s a failure, that he is a fucking disappointment. He always has been and always will be. That he is doomed. Of course he is. Buck knows that. He hates that.

It tires him, his own mind, racing thoughts never stop and it’s so fucking early but he feels tired already, he’s too weak to silence them; there is this anger slowly building in his stomach like poison ivy creeping up everywhere, and there are tears in his eyes again, the invisible weight on his chest grows tenfold and the tightness around his throat chokes him even harder. Without even noticing, Buck’s jaw clenches and his face screws in disgust, almost as if the thought of his own self makes his stomach turn upside down.

Fuck this.

Pushing the thin covers aside, Buck gets out of the bed and makes his way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind. He takes off his t-shirt and throws it on the floor, then his sweatpants, leaving only his boxers, and takes quick steps to the shower. There is a reflection of himself in the mirror as he passes, but his eyes don't dare stare at it, the sight will only make him want to throw up, or something worse. Which Buck doesn't dare think, either.

When he steps in the shower and twists the knob, a hiss leaves his lips and he flinches as the shower head sprays cold water over his body, and he immediately turns it to the hottest and keeps his hand still grasping the knob tight.

The water gets warmer and Buck's tense form slowly eases, but it doesn't feel enough, something feels missing, so Buck waits under the running water until each drop hitting his skin nonstop becomes too hot that it hurts and steam surrounds the air and makes it impossible to see, but even then Buck doesn't step back.

He drops his head to his chest and closes his eyes, grinds his teeth as he squeezes the burning hot faucet knob firmer, and the rise and fall of his flushed chest quickens when the water burning his skin feels heavy like it's drilling his skin and it hurts , it stings ; pained yelp almost tears his throat and Buck's breathing gets shallow but still he doesn't turn it off.

Instead, he takes the washcloth, holds it under the spray with his shaking hand, and starts rubbing it over his skin. He presses the cloth with a force and drags it over his muscles, and marks begin to appear on his already flushed body; his face twists in pain and he chokes out a whimper but he keeps scrubbing and the water feels like fire and his body hurts and his hand burns and this time Buck can't hold the sob ripping his throat but still, he doesn't stop.

The water burns him and he keeps rubbing his skin off and his body isn't the only thing that hurts, his heart aches, too and Buck is just so tired and sick of everything, but the hatred buried deep in his bones fuels him to keep going, and Buck doesn't stop.

Buck isn't answering his phone.

"Where the hell are you?" Maddie mumbles to herself as she stares at Buck's name on the screen, pacing around the living room.

The thing is, Maddie is leaving for work in five minutes, and she just remembered she forgot her wallet at his loft, and her brother has to pick up if he doesn't want Maddie to barge in unannounced, but this is her third time calling and Buck is still not answering.

Okay, then.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Maddie snatches her coat, keys, and her bag.

"Bye, honey." She kisses the top of Jee's head, her heart swelling when Jee makes grabby hands at her, and leaves the house, hopping in the car and driving off to Buck's.

Buck's jeep is parked when Maddie makes it there, her brother is probably at home she figures.Turning off the engine, Maddie gets out of the car and goes upstairs.

“Buck, it’s me.” She says as she knocks on the wood a few times.

When she doesn’t get an answer, she tries again.

“Buck, hey, it’s Maddie.” She knocks harder this time, leaning her face closer to the door. “I forgot my wallet.”

She stands there waiting, but the door doesn’t open— why is he not answering, and there is this tiny seed of worry already fighting its way to grow in Maddie’s stomach, preparing to come up with countless scenarios of what ifs— especially after the lightning, but Maddie has to shove it aside because it could mean nothing, really, the man could be in the shower or out for a walk or something.

But then again, who is she even kidding, it’s her brother. Of course she will get worried. She is gladly okay with getting proved wrong once she sees everything is good, she’ll even nag at him a little for not picking up his phone. And, she still has to get her wallet.

Thankfully, though, she has a spare key in her bag, the one Buck gave her when he got discharged from the hospital, so grabbing the keychain from her purse, Maddie slides the key in, twists the knob, and pushes the door as she lets herself in.

The moment Maddie steps inside as she wanders her eyes around the ground floor, the distant sound of the water running coming from upstairs fills her ears, and the noise washes her worry away just like that. He’s just showering.

She can’t help but to roll her eyes at her over the top thoughts and lets out a huff of air as she walks to the kitchen, eyes searching for her wallet. “Buck, it’s me.” She calls out for her brother with a slightly raised voice to let him know she’s here. The bathroom isn’t that far, anyway. “I called you but you didn’t answer, I’m just gonna get my wallet and go to work.” Looking through the counter. Her wallet isn't here. It's probably in the living room. She paces towards the living room, and her face lights up with a smile when she spots the thing she was looking for on the coffee table. "Aha! There it is."

The wallet goes in her purse and now that she's done, it's time to go.

"Buck, I'm leaving." She says and takes quick steps towards the door and calls out for him one last time before she leaves. "Hey, Buck?" She twists her head towards the stairs, eyes looking up expectantly and waiting for a reply back.

When all she hears back is the muffled sound of the water running, something inside— Maddie doesn't know what, pokes her to go upstairs. An urge so violent that it's impossible to suppress.

She hangs her bag on the knob of the stairwell, and climbs up the stairs, and Buck's unmade bed slowly appears in her line of vision, covers thrown haphazardly over the messy sheets and the curtains drawn all the way, blocking even the smallest hue of the sun. The messiness of the room causes a glimpse of a familiar feeling Maddie doesn't want to acknowledge cross her veins, a sight that she's witnessed from time to time in their childhood for a reason Maddie knows very well.

The shower is still running behind the closed bathroom door, and so Maddie knocks.

"Buck, you in there?"

No answer.

She's not worried. She's not.

A shaky sigh leaves her lips and she can feel her heart skipping a beat in her chest. "Buck?"

She still doesn't get a reply but instead, there is a barely audible whimper that's almost like a sob, a sound that belongs to her brother without a doubt, and that's all it takes for Maddie to surrender to the fear taking her over before she says not so calmly: "Evan, I'm coming inside." and when she opens the door, one of her worst fears become reality.

Behind the tinted glass, there is a distorted figure of Buck, his baby brother, sitting on the tiles under the shower spray with his knees drawn to his chest, arms tightly wrapped around his legs, and the moment Maddie sees him, her heart shatters into millions of tiny pieces, each one piercing her soul like a sharp knife.

She doesn't waste any second, she rushes to her brother's side, slides the glass— her face screwing when hot steam hits her face and for a brief moment it knocks the air out of her lungs, but it's a whole nother big wave of sadness gnawing at her insides when Maddie looks down and sees Buck clearly now.

Buck's whole form is trembling like a leaf under water, the tip of his fingers digging his arms; his normally pale skin looks so flushed that it looks almost completely red— god, did he burn his skin, and even though Maddie can't see his face yet, she can hear the quiet cries escaping his lips. It's a sight too familiar, but it's one that Maddie will never ever be able to get used to.

She places her hand under the water but immediately pulls it back and chokes out a yelp when the water droplets hit her skin— it's fucking boiling , and turns off the water before crouching down next to Buck's side.

"Buck." Gently wrapping her fingers around his forearm, tilting her head to see his pained face. "Look at me."

Buck turns his head to look at her, his glassy blues all vulnerable, and it's not the grown man Maddie sees when she stares back, it's her baby brother Evan, and they aren't in his loft but in their parents' home.

She has to bite her tongue to hold back the sob trying to force its way out, even though the tears in her shiny eyes are a dead giveaway, and her voice shakes when she whispers: "Come on, get up."

Buck's breath hitches in his throat and he lets out a small whimper, he looks like he's hurting but not just physically, and that's what makes everything a hundred times painful for Maddie, the elephant sitting on her chest getting bigger and bigger.

Maddie slowly rises to her feet and supports Buck by still keeping her hold around his arm firm as he stands up; she grabs the nearest towel and drapes it over the man's shoulders, loosely wrapping the soft fabric around his wet and shivering body, but Buck's brows wrinkle in discomfort and he lets out a hiss.

"Sorry." Maddie plasters Buck's damp curls back with her palm, away from his forehead, and she melts at the way her brother relaxes a little under her touch. She can see the faint scratches on his chest traveling up his shoulders, she already saw the reddened skin on his back— even looking at him hurts and all Maddie wants to do is to get him out of the bathroom, make him sit down and do whatever she needs to do until Buck is better.

She rests her other hand on Buck's back, careful not to press too hard. "Come on." She says softly, guiding Buck towards the door, droplets dripping on the ground as they walk. "I'm here."

Once they leave the room, Buck sits on the edge of the mattress, Maddie stands right in front of him, and takes the towel off of his shoulders to take a closer look, her face dropping and unwanted tears already stinging her eyes.

There is an ugly redness on Buck's upper back, spreading along his shoulders, skin chafed and scratched. It doesn't look too severe to go to the ER, a lotion will do enough to soothe him; but the palm of his hand, Maddie thinks as her eyes trail down, that will need a bandage.

Buck burned himself.

She lets out a long sigh and tucks her hair behind her ear, swallows the lump in her throat and ignores the heaviness weighing on her chest as she walks to Buck's wardrobe and takes out a dry underwear and a pair of sweatpants.

"Can you change while I grab some things downstairs?"

Buck, still looking down on the floor, gives her a hesitant nod.

Another sigh. "Okay."

Maddie quickly goes downstairs bathroom and opens the cabinet; takes the medkit, some extra bandages, and a cream for the burns.

By the time she makes it back, Buck is already in his sweatpants with nothing on top, still sitting on the same spot. He looks so small like this even though Maddie can't see his face, with his damp curls and hunched down posture, and an overwhelming sensation wraps her like a blanket, overflowing like a fountain.

"I'm back." Placing the medkit on the nightstand and standing in front of Buck.

Her fingers wrap around Buck's wrist and lift his injured hand, and her lips form a straight line as she looks closely. It's a nasty burn that's for sure, and it takes everything for Maddie to not think how painful it must have been for Buck to feel. And probably it is still hurting, because she can see the slight trembles running through his fingers and it's a clear sign on its own that Maddie should stop wasting time.

She takes the cream in her other hand and opens the cap, pouring a decent amount on Buck's palm; when Buck lets out a quiet hiss and tries to get his hand back, Maddie doesn't let him and tightens her hold around his wrist.

"It hurts."

It's the first time Maddie is hearing his voice since she got here, and the way he sounds so tired and done doesn't make her feel any better. It actually makes her feel worse, makes her chest tighter and the lump in her throat heavier, but it doesn't change anything.

"We need to patch this up." She is calm while she carefully spreads the ointment.

Buck doesn't say anything but doesn't resist, either, so Maddie keeps going.

Once she is satisfied, she lets go of Buck's hand to unpack the bandage and wraps it around Buck's hand once, twice, and ties it up until it's tight and secure but not uncomfortable.

While the rest is easier, it's still painful.

Even though the burns aren't deep and will heal in time, they are covering almost all of Buck's chest, his shoulders, below his neck. There's just too much of them, too much hurt that comes with them, and Maddie just wants it over, both for Buck and for herself.

She's gentle like she was before— she always is, always will be; she squeezes the relief cream on Buck's skin and murmurs quiet apologies whenever Buck flinches or tries to bite down his whimpers but fails, leans closer and blows air to his shoulders and chest where it hurts the most, and fans her hand to soothe him after she's done spreading the white ointment. When Buck's body somewhat dries down, Maddie finds an oversized zip hoodie and helps Buck wear it. It's better than a fitted one, and definitely much better than his ridiculously tight shirts; the scratch the fabric will cause when it meets his skin is inevitable but it's better than catching a cold or something.

It's only when Maddie is done tending to his burns the waves of emotions she managed to push aside come back with full force and surround her every fiber, and that's when Maddie decides it's time to help Buck fight his demons that she knows too well.

Cupping her brother's face, Maddie tilts her head to meet Buck's glassy blues that he hides, the tone of her voice soft and her face caring. "Did something happen?"

Buck chokes out a bitter scoff and chews his lips before he swallows and croaks out: " Me happened."

"What?" Maddie frowns but the look on her face changes the minute it dawns on her, and her tears betray her again. "Buck, no. Don't say that."

It's…

It's cruel, is what it is. It's fucked up, painful, cruel and it hurts so fucking bad because Maddie knows how Buck feels, and god, she hates it, she wants to rip that part of Buck that makes him suffer with her bare hands and smash it on the ground. Because this is Buck, this is Evan, her little brother who is warm and soft and good and larger than life, and if there is anyone in the world, it's him who deserves everything. But Buck feels nothing but pain and agony, and Maddie can only watch.

"It's true." Buck shakes his head, brows knitting and jaw clenching. "You know it's true."

"No." Maddie protests. "It's not true."

Buck slightly lifts his head to look at her with a damn fragile expression crossing his face that makes him look ten times younger, and something in Maddie breaks when his voice cracks and comes out so tired, disgusted when he asks: "Then why am I like this?"

Oh, god.

" Buck ." She can't even stop the shake in her voice let alone the tears slowly rolling down her face when she looks at her brother, but it's nothing compared to the tightness in her stomach squeezing like a gut punch.

The irony is, they've done this a million times, they've been here countless times, both on either ends, but still it hurts the same just like the first time. And sometimes late at night when Maddie hurts like Buck is hurting now, she can't escape from the thought of they are doomed forever, and things aren't gonna change.

But not now, because now her brother needs her.

So, she takes Buck's face between her hands to lift his head up so she can look right into his baby blues, and Buck lets out a tiny mewl when she plants a kiss on his forehead.

"Listen to me." Maddie whispers, thumb stroking his cheekbone back and forth. "There is nothing wrong with you, okay? Nothing."

Buck's lips quiver and his eyes shine with fresh tears, and Maddie can see how it takes so much from him to not shatter right there.

"I'm— I'm damaged, I know I am." Buck's voice shakes. "I'm a waste, everyone thinks that and— and they're right."

The wrinkles on Maddie's brows deepen and she shakes her head. " No one thinks that."

"Mom and dad were always right about me—" He swallows down the sob building in his throat. "I shouldn't be h-here—"

"Evan."

"— and I hate it." Buck's breath hitches in his throat, his face slowly crumbles and a tear escapes his eyes as he whispers in a way that feels like a gunshot. "I don't want to be like this."

And Maddie just…

It's like there's ice coursing through her veins instead of blood, and her lungs can't get any air as if she's drowning in Buck's words because fuck , she is holding her brother in her hands but her hands are shaking, and Buck is breaking into pieces and Maddie can't catch him.

"Buck." Her voice sounds strange to her ears, it's weak and filled with sorrow. She slides her thumb over under Buck's eye, wiping the dampness, and runs her fingers through her brother's curls before folding her arms around his neck and resting one hand on the back of his head. She pulls him into her chest, presses his face to her bosom, and Buck's arms loosely wrap around her waist.

Resting her chin on top of his curls, Maddie nuzzles her nose into Buck's hair and says: "You are one of the best things that's ever happened to me and to people around you." She closes her eyes briefly and kisses the top of his head, feeling Buck slightly shaking in her arms. "I'm so fucking lucky to have you in my life, you know that? And I wouldn't change you to the world."

Buck clings onto the back of her shirt as tight as his bandages allow and sniffles, his voice low in a way only Maddie can hear. "I miss you."

Maybe it's the way Buck says it so childlike or the way he sounds so small, before Maddie can stop herself, she tightens her hold around her brother's neck and her face screws as more tears run down and wet her skin. "I'm right here, honey. You're still my baby and that's never gonna change, okay? I will always be there for you."

Buck gives her a tiny nod, plasters himself further into her chest as if it's possible, and Maddie keeps standing there, she holds him and scratches the back of his head and breathes his warmth in until Buck's racing heart slows down and she feels like she can breathe again.

They pull away when Buck starts to get uncomfortable from the itching and the exhaustion finally sets in.

"You okay?" Maddie asks.

He looks somewhat better but Maddie knows the thoughts and feelings are still there and kicking in full force, and it's not something to be snapped out of in half a day.

Buck closes his eyes, runs a hand down his face and makes an unsettled face as he tries to fidget under the hoodie but ends up wincing. "I don't know. I'm— I think I'm tired."

"How about you get some sleep?"

When Buck shrugs, Maddie pushes the covers aside and nods at the mattress. "Get in, you big baby."

It earns her a breathy, half chuckle and a side eye, but it's enough to warm her heart.

Buck climbs under the mattress, and it takes a while until he stops squirming and finds a decent position to stay still in, his shoulders clearly give him trouble and the fabric itching his skin doesn't make it any better; when he manages to lie half on his stomach and half on his side without letting out another groan, Maddie pulls the covers above his waist and tucks him in.

"Close your eyes." She leans forward and cards his hair, soft curls tangling her fingers.

Buck's eyes slowly flutter close and his body slumps further into the mattress, a tired sigh leaving his lips, and he drifts off barely a few minutes later.

She sits on the edge of the bed and watches her brother sleep, watches the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way lines already made themselves a home on his face even though he was supposed to be relaxing. He looks so young like this, and it brings back memories of Maddie keeping an eye on him at night when he snuck in her bed because he was too anxious to fall asleep. Suddenly a wave of overwhelming emotions wash over her and make tears prickle her eyes again, and Maddie scoots closer to his sleeping form to place a kiss on the nape of his neck, closing her eyes and breathing him in.

The chime coming from the phone in her pocket gets her attention, and she taps the screen to see a text from Josh, frowning.

Where are you?

Ah, shit shit shit, she's late for work.

And she's out of sick days to use.

She runs a hand down her face and lets out a long sigh, and forces herself to think.

There's no way in hell she's gonna leave Buck alone, she wouldn't go to work if she could in the first place, but she has to go and she has to find someone to come here, fast.

Oh, wait.

Wait. She knows who to call. Someone she can trust without batting an eye when it comes to Buck.

Sorry, I'll be there in 15. Family emergency.

After sending a text back, Maddie scrolls through her contacts and taps on Eddie's name.

Maddie's phone call finds him when he's in the car on his way home after dropping Chris off to his friend for a sleepover.

"Hey, Maddie."

"Hey, Eddie, how are you?" Her voice is a little low over the line.

"I'm good." He smiles. "How are you?"

The call takes him by surprise of course, but nevertheless he is happy to talk to her.

"Good, hey— uh," She clears her throat.  "do you think you can come over to Buck's place?"

His smile drops, and leaves its place to a confused frown along with a spark of concern ready to blow any second. "Is everything okay?" 

"Y— no— I mean, yeah—"

"Maddie," Eddie cuts her off, his grip around the wheel white-knuckled. "is he okay?"

"He's okay." She sounds somewhat calm, which manages to assure Eddie a little, but he needs more than that.

"Did something happen?"

"He's not really feeling great, you know, and I have to leave for work and—" A sigh. She sounds tired, sad even. "I don't want him to be alone."

That's all Eddie needs to hear.

"Okay." He says, already turning the car around. "I'm on my way."

Ten minutes and a speeding ticket later, he's standing at Buck's doorstep.

He doesn't bother knocking, just takes out his spare keys and slowly pushes the door, and lets himself in.

"Maddie?" He looks around as he takes a step inside.

There's no one on the ground floor, and the house is oddly quiet.

Then, he hears Maddie's voice. "Upstairs."

He goes up the stairs two at a time, first he sees Maddie sitting on the end of the bed, and warmth blooms in his chest when Buck's sleeping form swims into his vision with a—

With a bandage wrapped around his hand?

On the left side of the bed, Buck is sleeping half turned on his side towards the stairs where Eddie can see his face, his right hand— palm covered with a bandage, resting limp next to the pillow.

He looks fast asleep,messy curls sticking out everywhere, and he looks so soft in the oversized hoodie he's wearing that Eddie wants to reach out and trace his hand along his back, but why the fuck does he look so exhausted?

What the hell happened?

"Hey." Maddie says with a low tone, getting his attention.

Eddie's eyes linger on Buck before moving to Maddie, slowly walking towards the bed. His brows are still gathered and he's pretty sure Maddie can see the worry crossing his face. Not that he tries to hide. "Hey. What happened?"

"I forgot my wallet so I came here and found him in the bathroom." Tears dwell in Maddie's eyes as she talks and she looks ready to cry again when she looks at Buck, as if she's remembering what happened. "He was…" She trails off, and makes a sound that sounds like a frustrated groan.

"Did he hurt himself?" Words taste bitter in his mouth, he has a guess on where this is going and even the thought alone is enough to make his stomach drop.

Maddie bites her lower lip. "Let's say the water was too hot."

Okay.

Fuck.

But what if it's serious? What if Buck's hurt bad? What if—

"Do we need to go to a hospi—"

"No, no, it's not like that." Maddie raises her hands as she stands up and gets closer to Eddie. "Eddie, you know him."

It's short but heavy, what Maddie tells him, carries a meaning deeper than the ocean, and although the rest goes unsaid, Eddie understands it clearly.

So, he glances at Buck's sleeping form once again, his insides aching, and nods with a sigh.

When Maddie continues talking after a short silence, she sounds hesitant, guilty even. "I talked to Josh to take the day off before you came but he couldn't find a way to make it work—"

"No, it's okay, you can go." Eddie wraps his hand on her arm and gives her a comforting squeeze. "I got him."

A grateful smile curves up her lips, almost quivering. "Thank you. Keep me updated?"

"I will."

Before leaving, Maddie kisses Buck on the shoulder and brushes his curls, and Eddie waves her goodbye as she goes down the stairs. When the door closes with a click, Eddie drops his head and lets out a quiet sigh.

He's finally alone with Buck.

Toeing his shoes off, the mattress dips as Eddie sits on the bed next to Buck without going under the covers, fluffs the pillow and leans his back against the bedrest. Buck's face is almost pressed to his hip if it wasn't for the bandaged hand resting between them, the other man is within Eddie's hand reach, but before Eddie does reach out to him, he just sits there and soaks in the sight.

It's somewhat comforting, watching Buck sleep; the way his lips stay parted, his relaxed body rises and falls with each breath, his curls fall on his forehead and make him look younger but also more fragile. He has watched Buck sleep a dozen times throughout their friendship— now slowly evolving to something more, and the sight always manages to melt his heart along with planting a bitter feeling in his bones that he can't decipher why. Whenever Eddie watches Buck sleep, he just wants to drape himself over the other man like a blanket and keep him safe, protected. He wants to do the exact same thing now, but he doesn't know what the injury is under that hoodie— not yet at least, so for now, Eddie gently runs his fingers through Buck's curls in slow, repetitive motions, combing them away from his forehead, and watches him sleep.

Buck stirs awake a while later.

Eddie has his arm draped on the pillow above Buck's head, fingers still buried in his curls and lightly scratching his scalp while scrolling through the web on the phone in his other hand that's resting on his thigh.

The room is blissfully silent other than the birds chirping, people talking and the sounds of the engine coming outside so when Buck starts to stir and lets out a tiny, sleepy mumble, Eddie twists his head to look at him in an instant.

His eyes crack open, revealing his unfocused baby blues, and he blinks sluggishly before lifting his eyes to look at Eddie, disoriented.

It's enough to take Eddie's breath away.

"Hey." Eddie says in a quiet tone, playing with Buck's hair.

Buck's brows furrow a little as he keeps staring at him like he's trying to come to his senses, and his voice comes out rough when he asks: "Wh'n did you get here?"

"Maddie called. She had to go to work, asked me if I could come." Thumb reaching for Buck's face, smoothening his brow. "So I came."

Buck's eyes flutter close at the contact and he lets out a breath through his nose. He's still tired, Eddie can tell from a mile away, but looks like Buck doesn't have it in him to talk right now. It squeezes his heart to see him like this, but it's okay. Eddie doesn't mind.

"Did you eat?" Eddie asks, tilting his head.

Buck only shrugs.

So, that's a no.

He lets out a sigh. "Okay."

Moving over and placing his feet on the ground, Eddie stands up to go downstairs but not even a step after, he turns around to Buck calling out to him.

"Y-you're leaving?" Buck croaks out and grimaces as he adjusts himself by lifting himself up on his hand, now sitting down and looking at Eddie with those big, hurt, blue eyes and an expression on his face that's almost like he's expecting a blow.

"Hm?" Eddie's face falls in a slightly confused frown and he has to ignore the way his heart drops in his chest when the realization dawns. "Wh— no. No, I'm not leaving." His voice is reassuring. "I'm just going downstairs to get us some food, okay?"

Only after Buck averts his gaze and gives him a hesitant nod, looking down at his hands, Eddie goes downstairs and prepares both of them two sandwiches and a plate of crackers, and a glass of water for Buck.

With some nagging, Buck manages to finish half of his food— it's better than nothing; Eddie devours the whole thing and when they're done, he collects the plates and puts them in the sink to handle later.

They don't talk that much, actually they don't talk at all; in their shared silence, Eddie slumps on the mattress with a half sitting and half lying position and plays this new game on the phone that Chris begged him to download, something about farms and animals— no one knows he got addicted to it, and Buck lies in bed next to him and stares at the screen, watches him play without making a sound.

At some point in the game, Eddie turns his head to see Buck with his eyes closed, fast asleep.

Eddie doesn't wake him up, he keeps playing until he upgrades his trucks and unlocks some more animals.

"C-can you— uh— c" Buck clears his throat. "Eddie?"

Eddie lifts his brows "Yeah?"

"Can you— uh, help me put on some— some lotion? On my back?" Biting his lower lip.

He looks a little better, his skin isn't as pale as it was and his eyes are clearer, but they still need more time.

A soft smile tugs at Eddie's lips. " Of course I can."

He gets up to get the medkit from the nightstand while Buck slides to the middle of the mattress and crosses his legs, and Eddie places the kit next to him before making himself sit behind Buck, crossing his legs as well.

Buck unzips the hoodie and leans forward, and Eddie helps him slide the fabric off of his shoulders from behind before Buck takes his arms out of the sleeves one by one. He can't see Buck's face like this but he doesn't need to, because the way Buck lets out a strangled noise and a whimper slips out of his lips that Eddie is certain Buck was trying to suppress tell him enough.

The thing is, Eddie knew Buck had injuries— Maddie told him that much, so he had a guess on what to expect but still, still , when the fabric completely slides off and reveals Buck's flushed skin, he can't stop the shivers running down his spine along with the lump in his throat trying to suffocate him.

It's not that the burns are everywhere, they look shallow and will heal in a week or so, but it's the fact that Buck is hurt that pains Eddie, the fact that Buck did this to himself.

It makes him want to cry.

"It's— it looks worse than it is."

Eddie rolls his eyes, but there is no malice behind them. "Nice try."

He pops the cap and pours a good amount of lotion on his fingers, and at the first contact of his hand touching Buck's skin, the other man tenses up and sucks in a sharp breath.

"I'm sorry." Eddie mumbles, slowly spreading a thin layer on his shoulder blades. "Does it hurt?"

Buck's voice shakes, another quiet whimper stuck in his throat. "A little."

Leaning closer, Eddie's lips brush on the behind of Buck's ear, Buck letting out a sigh when Eddie leaves a barely there kiss. "Sorry."

He tends to Buck's burns, shushes and murmurs apologies when the pressure of his touch becomes too much for the other man; after he's satisfied with how Buck's back is covered with enough lotion, he moves to sit in front of Buck and delicately trails the tip of his fingers over his collarbones, his sternum, his tattoo, and smears his chafed skin with cool lotion.

"Do you want me to take a look at your hand?" Eddie asks when he's done, his fingers folded around Buck's wrist.

Buck swallows and shakes his head, timid. "N— I think it's good. For now."

"Okay." Eddie nods. "Do you want to put that hoodie back on?"

Buck runs his fingers through his hair and shrugs. "I'll put on a shirt."

After Eddie puts the medkit in the bathroom and Buck wears a loose t-shirt, they settle on the bed once again, Eddie leaning against the bedrest and Buck sitting on the mattress.

Before Buck can lie down, Eddie lightly tugs him by the forearm. "Hey." He says, inviting. "Come here."

Buck's eyes linger on Eddie's for a moment, and it's easy for Eddie to pull him into his embrace just like that, the other man is so pliant under his touch he practically sinks against him despite Eddie being careful not to give him discomfort.

"Careful."

Eddie opens his arm, and Buck settles against his side, rests his head on Eddie's pillow, chin digging Eddie's shoulder and nose almost nuzzled to the curve of Eddie's neck. And Eddie folds his arm around him, scratching Buck's arm with the tip of his fingers.

"You want to talk now or later?"

Buck's lips tickle his neck when he replies: "Later."

"Okay." Kissing the top of his head.

"I'm sorry." Buck whispers, grasping the hem of Eddie's shirt. "I know I'm annoying. And weak."

"I don't think that's true." Eddie shakes his head. "I think you're one of the strongest men I've ever known."

When Buck's breath hitches in his throat and he hides his face in the crook of Eddie's neck, Eddie holds him and lets him rest.

He asks him when the sun starts to set.

"Come with me."

They're still in bed, holding each other, and Eddie feels like cotton.

"I— I wouldn't be good company." Buck shakes his head, voice low. "I'm not— I'm not good. You wouldn't want me."

"I always want you." Eddie says. "I want you to come."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Come with me."

He sees Maddie's text when they leave Buck's loft.

Is he ok?

He's okay. Eddie types back. I'm taking him home.