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The road back home is silent.
They are finally in the car, going back home after a shift from basically the last level of hell, and he is sitting on the passenger seat, staring through the window with dull, blank eyes while Eddie drives.
And Eddie…
He looks pissed .
Eddie probably thinks Buck fucked up. Buck knows that, he can see it from the way the other man's jaw clenches and his hands grasp the wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white, he can see it from the way Eddie's eyes have been refusing to meet Buck's ever since they came back from the call that started it all. He knows.
The thing is, they have been very nervous for the last few days— both of them. His parents were in town for a few days and went back home only this morning, and during those days, Buck felt himself drowning, he felt the ends of his nerves splitting in two and cracking his brain open, which made Eddie stressed out in return even though he tried his best not to show, not when Buck felt like he's losing it, so what happened today was only the tipping point for both of them.
And while Buck knows Eddie is upset, knows exactly the reason why, he is too tired, too drained to talk him out of it; the exhaustion seeping into his aching bones and making his head throb is strong enough to take control of his whole body and leave him crashing any minute now, and he doesn't have it in him to talk or get Eddie to talk.
Despite the silence that fuels the anxiety swirling in his chest and causes it to spread all over him, Buck doesn't open his mouth. He chews the insides of his cheeks and focuses on the blood rushing through his ears instead, avoiding lifting his eyes up at the window mirror to see Eddie at all costs.
So, they stay silent throughout the ride and drown in the tension cutting the air like a two edged sword until they make it home. The shit goes down then.
He's just fucking glad Chris is away for a camping trip for a few days.
"Okay." Buck starts, following Eddie behind as Eddie pushes the door open and steps inside, dropping his duffel bag on the floor. He just wants to get this over with and go to bed. "Spit it out."
Eddie shakes his head and lets out a bitter scoff and runs his fingers through his hair, making his way to the living room. "You had to do it, didn't you?"
Rolling his eyes. "Oh, here we go—"
"You had to ignore Bobby's orders, switch off your fucking radio and rush into a collapsing building." Eddie's voice gets thinner with frustration as he cuts Buck’s words, and shivers run down Buck’s spine when the other man turns around to look at him, brows wrinkled and eyes wide. “Jesus Christ, Buck—"
"Why are you even mad?" Buck protests and opens his arms, vaguely gesturing in the air. "I saved her life."
"You could have died! "
"But I didn't!" Heat creeps up his neck and spreads his face, his own voice gets louder each passing second and Buck can feel the shakes running through his hands already. "I calculated the risks, I knew what I was doing!"
"Oh, you didn't calculate shit." Eddie's face screws and his brows gather even more as he blurts out and waves his hands up in the air, eyes burning with something Buck can't name. "You dove into it headfirst and didn't care about the rest!"
No, that's not true, that's not what happened. Buck isn't going to admit that. But if it isn't true, why does Eddie's words feel like a gut punch that takes his breath away?
"What was I supposed to do?!" Buck insists and stares back at Eddie with a stubborn expression crossing his face, his throat scratching. "Leave her to die?!"
"You wait for instructions and act accordingly, you don't throw yourself in danger!" Eddie almost shouts and as he takes quick steps towards Buck, Buck sees the glimpse of hurt hiding behind those upset hazels. "You have a kid now, you have me , if you don't think of yourself at least think of us!"
It feels like a slap across the face, his blood turning into ice and freezing him, and Buck's chest feels heavy like tons of bricks wanting to fall down. But his emotions are running high, and he's too weak against them to think straight.
So he yells back. "I know that!"
"Do you?!"
"Yes!"
"Then why are you trying to kill yourself whenever your parents are around?!" Eddie's tone is loud, but it's the desperate pain painting his face that stabs Buck's heart. "You already died once, don't you think that's enough?! You really think I'm ready to lose you again?!"
He barely manages to choke out the words as a whisper because of the lump in his throat suffocating him, the stinging of his eyes not letting him blink as he stares at Eddie. "I'm not trying to kill myself."
A snort escapes Eddie's lips as he averts his gaze away from Buck and shakes his head. "Sure."
The room gets quiet now, an unnerving silence filling the air as the two stare at each other. Suddenly, Buck is too worn down to go on, like he was hit by a bus and thrown on the ground, he can see Eddie looks the same as well, sees the way his shoulders hunch down like he's carrying the weight of the world and Buck hates that he's the one doing that to him, it adds to his already existing suffering. It's his fault he's a fuck up, but he can't help it, he doesn't know any better.
Eddie lets out a long sigh that breaks the silence as he presses his fingers to his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, dropping his head. "I'm going to bed." He murmurs. "Today was long and I'm beat, but we're not done."
"Okay." Buck swallows and gives him a timid nod, letting out a sigh as well. He's tired, but he knows he can't fall asleep just yet, his brain is too wired. "I think I'm gonna stick around for a while."
His eyes meeting Buck's for a brief second, Eddie murmurs before he leaves: "Don't be late."
Buck's heart twists and turns in his chest. "I won't."
After Buck watches Eddie make his way to the bedroom, he lets himself collapse on the couch and rests his elbows on his thighs, dropping his head between his hands and closing his eyes.
The silence feels too loud, it forces him to listen to his own self, and the voices in his head are violent enough to spark the end of his nerves until they split in two and leave him a jittering mess; Buck grabs the remote, turns on the tv and puts the volume on low before leaning back against the cushions and staring at the screen.
He doesn't actually watch it, his eyes stare through the moving pictures, but it distracts his brain enough to make him numb and ease his nerves. At least until his eyes slowly start to droop and Buck struggles fighting back the sleep forcing its way into his system.
When he decides to call it a day in the early hours of the night, he turns off the TV, switches off the lights and makes his way to the bedroom.
The room is pitch black when Buck slides through the door, Eddie lying on his back with his face tilted to the side, broad chest rising and falling evenly with each steady breath he takes, blankets draped above his waistline. He looks soft even under the darkness, and Buck aches with the need to touch him, his hand burns with the want to reach out, but he isn't sure if he deserves to do that, so he swallows down the urge and walks around the bed, climbs under the covers and turning onto his side, facing the window.
He closes his eyes, but then he feels the weight of the mattress shifting, and there is an arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him close and just like that, the buzzing in his head lessens and a huge portion of the tension and dread coursing through Buck's veins fade away, if not all.
Plastering his chest to Buck's back, Eddie nuzzles his nose into the nape of his neck and whispers, his sleepy voice ticklish against Buck's skin. "I'm still mad at you."
Buck folds his fingers around Eddie's forearm, letting out a short intake of breath when the other man tightens his hold and pulls him even closer. "I know."
Eddie's breaths slowly even out again after that, and the grounding weight of his arm around Buck manages to make his senses drowsy so within minutes, Buck's eyelids flutter close and the fatigue induced slumber takes over.
The bed is empty when he wakes up in the morning.
The room swims into his line of vision as Buck blinks sluggishly for a few times, squinting at the sunlight filling the room. It's his day off today, but Eddie has a shift, Buck remembers, and he must've slept through his boyfriend getting ready and leaving the house. Not that he's surprised, because the fog weighing on his head is still there despite the sleep he got, along with the invisible tension straining his shoulders.
After checking his phone to see the time— it's nearing noon, Buck pushes himself off the bed and makes his way to the bathroom to wash his face and use the toilet, then beelines to the kitchen to brew himself some fresh coffee.
The caffeine buzzing through his veins somewhat manages to bring him to his senses, pinching his nerves and making him open his eyes more. The house is silent and it's one of those rare times Buck doesn't dread it. He needs to clear his head until Eddie gets home so his mind can function properly to explain the other man his side of things, no matter how nonsense they may sound. At the end of the day, Buck reminds himself it's Eddie, and they will figure it out eventually, he forces himself into thinking no matter what happens they'll be okay, but still, the twisted, messy part of his brain gets too loud that it silences everything else, dragging him down to a darkness Buck is very familiar with.
No, he won't go down that road. Not this time.
Letting out a long sigh, Buck leans his back against the kitchen chair and takes the last sip of his coffee before checking his watch, and then wandering his eyes on the window. The weather is nice today, and he still has some time to kill until his boyfriend comes home; it looks like a run around the block and then a shower afterwards will help him clear his head.
Yeah, he's gonna go for a run.
Without wasting any more time, Buck gets on his feet and puts the glass in the dishwasher before going to the bedroom and changing into his shorts and a t-shirt; he grabs his phone, his earbuds and his keys and leaves home, and starts running.
Eddie is home when Buck comes back.
He slides the key into the socket, pushes the door open and lets himself in, and finds Eddie in the dining room, sitting on a chair with back laid against the wooden rails, staring at him. He looks tense, distant.
"Hey." A hesitant smile tugs at the corner of Buck's lips as he takes slow steps towards the other man, his face dropping in a slight confusion. It's early for Eddie to come home, he still has a few hours left as far as Buck knows.
Not a muscle twitches on Eddie's face when he deadpans: "Hey."
Okay, that's…
"I thought you still had a few hours left." Buck says, ignoring the way his heart drops in his chest at Eddie's stone cold expression. "Is everything alright at work?"
Eddie lets out an exasperated sigh. "Everything's fine. I just got off early."
Buck gives him a tiny nod, trying to smile. "Okay."
He's still standing on his feet before Eddie, and Eddie keeps looking at him, but he feels like he shouldn't sit— like he isn't allowed, which is a stupidly ridiculous thought to have because it is their home, and it is his boyfriend, but there is something Buck can't name that rubs him the wrong way, that makes his hair stand on end and fills his insides with a feeling painfully similar to fear.
So, Buck doesn't move, but picks the skin on the side of his thumb with his forefinger— a nervous habit he's never been able to get rid of, and asks: "Eds, are you sure you're alri—"
"We should talk." Eddie cuts him off, voice firm. "About yesterday."
"Um—" Buck's voice slightly wavers at the way Eddie stops him abruptly, sucking in a sharp breath. "Um, ye— yeah, sure. We should."
There is a weird sensation swirling in his chest, strong enough to eat him alive. He feels like there are tiny pins and needles prickling his skin, like he's standing on the sharp edge of a knife, like his world is getting ready to crumble, but he doesn't know why . It's Eddie for fuck's sake, maybe he's really upset this time, and okay, yeah, Buck knows they have to talk about it, but there's a different kind of air surrouding the room this time, and Buck hates it.
"Do you mind if I shower first?" Buck lifts his brows, the sweat soaked fabric sticking to his skin making him uncomfortable all of a sudden.
Eddie shrugs, nonchalant. "Sure."
An inviting smile curves Buck's lips and he tilts his head, baby blues shining with pure affection. "Do you want to join me?"
"No. I'll wait in the bedroom."
And just like that, even though he tries his damn best to not make it obvious, Buck's smile slowly disappears, and the shine in his eyes fades away, leaving him with an icy coldness coursing through his veins.
"Okay." Buck nods and swallows, his voice small. "I won't be too late."
He averts his gaze from Eddie after one last glance, and makes his way to the bathroom.
The shower doesn't take too long, Buck stands under the shower head and quickly washes himself— mainly because he is already too wired to wait any longer and get this over with. Getting out of the cabin and wrapping a towel around his waist, Buck walks towards the bedroom and true to his word, Eddie is right there, sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him with the same dead expression on his face.
They stay silent while Buck changes into his sweatpants and half dries his hair with a towel, although he can feel the other man's eyes on him at all times like a hawk; by the time Buck is done, he sits near Eddie and turns to face him, ignoring the way his heart picks up a pace.
"Okay." Buck says. "Let's talk."
Tapping on his thighs, Eddie gets on his feet with a loud sigh and runs his fingers through his hair as he takes a few slow steps around the room. "You always screw things up, don't you?"
Buck's face falls in a frown, his brows wrinkled. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You never listen," Eddie turns to him, throwing his arms in the air. "you never care about other people—"
"What?!" Buck stands up as he blurts out, his voice something between shaky and firm. What the hell is Eddie saying, is he doing that on purpose?" "You know that's not true—"
"You never do what you're supposed to do, all you care about is your stupid heroic antics." Eddie shakes his head and rolls his eyes, hands resting on his hips as he looks at Buck with a pitiful look, and it twists Buck's stomach, making the acidic bile rise up his throat. "It's always about you, you and all the attention you can get."
This, no this can't be right, Eddie knows him, he knows , Buck.
Buck shakes his head and stares at the other man with his wide, glistening eyes, his jaw clenched so hard that his teeth grit. "That's— That's not what I do— I'm not—" A wet, hollow chuckle escapes his lips, slight trembles run through his hands and the beat of his heart is erratic against its cage. "Eddie, you know why I did it."
Eddie chokes out a snort as he looks down and shakes his head, and says: "God, Evan, you're so fucking useless."
The air in his lungs chokes him like a poison with every breath Buck tries to take but he can't, his lungs don't work and he can't move a muscle, all he feels is the heat spreading his face and tears stinging his baby blues as he stares at Eddie, and Buck can almost hear the way his heart breaks in half and drops in his chest.
"You don't mean that." Buck whispers, barely audible to even his own ears.
But Eddie doesn't stop. He runs a hand down his face and his face screws in disgust, words sharper than knife and straight into Buck's soul. "I don't even know why I date you , of all people. I think I just pity you because no one else would."
"Eddie, please ." His breath hitches in his throat and his face starts to crumble no matter what Buck does to prevent it and a quiet sob leaves his lips. "Don't— Don't say that."
No, they love each other, they want to build a life together, if Eddie is dating him out of pity, Buck would rather die. It can't be true, he wouldn't be able to take it.
"It's the truth. You really think you deserve me?" Eddie lets out a scoff. "You don't deserve me, you definitely don't deserve my son."
He can't breathe, tears keep streaming down his face and he can't even speak because he feels like dying. "I— I'm s-sorry, I'm trying, I— I swear."
"Look at you." Eddie tsks, as if he's looking at a piece of garbage. Maybe he is. "You're a disappointment."
"Please." Another gut wrenching cry tears Buck's throat, his voice shaky and his vision blurry because of the neverending tears dampening his skin. He can't see Eddie, but he can feel the hatred the other man has for him and it hurts so much; Buck's face twists in agony as another sob rips his chest as if he's being torn apart. "Please, s-stop, please ."
Eddie keeps staring at him and Buck can't stop crying, each sob leaving his lips feel too heavy and he can't breathe, the thump of his heart feels too erratic and the cries he lets out sound so ruined but he can't hold them back, they are too loud and too broken for Buck to handle and his heart hurts , his chest feels on fire and Buck can't stop the tears running down his face.
Too weak to hold himself up, Buck slides down the wall onto the ground and draws his knees to his chest. It makes it harder for him to breathe as he heaves with each cry but he doesn't care.
Because Eddie's right, of course he's right.
Buck is a pathetic, useless piece of a man, and he was stupid enough to make himself believe the fairytale he thought he was living. He doesn't deserve any of this, he doesn't deserve anything.
His tears don't stop and Buck cries and cries until his whole body shakes with each sob, and Eddie doesn't even touch him. He keeps staring.
His shift is over, and Eddie is finally home.
He had been waiting to get off shift and go home even before the day began just so he could have a talk with Buck and tell him his feelings and listen to the other man.
Thankfully, the shift wasn't tiring, which he thanks his stars for, and Eddie is sure his mind is clearer and his feelings aren't running on overdrive like they were yesterday; sure, he still gets a little bit upset whenever the glimpses of what happened yesterday cross his mind, but he also knows worry and fear are what's rooted under his reaction, fear of losing Buck and worry for Buck because Buck still struggles valuing himself from time to time, and Eddie will make sure to help the other man even if it'll take some time.
Buck's car is parked outside and he would text Eddie if he was going out, so Eddie figures his boyfriend is at home, and even the thought of Buck waiting for him to come back in their place does wonders to ease the tension on his shoulders.
Eddie pushes the door open and lets himself in, and his eyes wander around the room searching for a sight of his boyfriend, but when a distant sob coming from another room that sounds painfully like Buck fills his ears, the worry and turmoil he's been trying to settle is already back to square one.
"Buck?" Dropping his bag on the floor, Eddie's brows gather as he calls out for the man's name and looks around, the thump of his heart picking up a beat, and quickly rushes towards the bedroom where another cry echoes from.
"Buck?" Eddie's voice gets louder as he pushes the door open but he sees the sight right before his eyes that tears his soul apart, he stops dead on his feet and his breath stucks in his throat.
Because right on the floor, Buck is sitting with his knees drawn to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs, fingers digging the fabric of his jeans so tight , forehead pressed on top of his knees to hide his face, shaking— trembling like a leaf as loud, heartbreaking sobs rip his throat.
Like a flip of a switch, Eddie's worry is through the fucking roof.
"Buck?! Buck." He crouches down in front of the other man and folds his fingers around Buck's bicep as he places his other hand on the nape of Buck's neck, leaning closer. "Buck, baby, what's wrong?"
And Buck, he flinches when Eddie touches him, his head shoots up and his eyes widen with terror as he stares at Eddie as if he's seeing a monster and fuck he looks so scared and Eddie doesn't know why —
"Buck, what happened?" Eddie asks again, his voice getting desperate just like how he's feeling deep inside.
But instead of an answer, Buck chokes out a shocked whimper and his blues shake as he stares at Eddie and then at the empty space next to him and back at Eddie, mouth slightly hanging open and chest heaving with each quick breath and somehow the fear and terror in his eyes grow bigger, and more tears run down his flushed face.
Eddie twists his head to look where Buck's looking at, and there's nothing there but Buck looks so fucking scared and Eddie is getting so close to losing his mind because he still doesn't know what's wrong.
"Buck—"
"Y-you—" Buck barely manages to gasp out as his eyes keep drifting to the same spot and then to him. "Y-you— wha— h—how—"
"Hey, it's me." Eddie's face screws as he whispers, the hand he has on the nape of Buck's neck sliding down to cup his face.
Buck's chest heaves with another cry and he flinches again and his voice sounds ruined when he almost shouts so desperately: "Wh—which one of you is real?!"
"Wh…" He can't even finish his words, his breath falls short because everything feels too much when the realization slaps him across the face and leaves him dumbstruck; a chill runs down his spine and his mouth goes dry when he can't stop himself from slowly turning his head to the side and lands his eyes on the empty spot next to him one more time as if there's someone— another Eddie is there even though he knows there isn't.
He turns to Buck again— and god , the other man looks so broken, and puts his hand on Buck's. He tries to keep his voice steady when he speaks, but doubts he's doing a decent job at it. "Buck, hey, I'm right here."
Bringing Buck's hand to rest it on his chest, right above his racing heart, eyes not even daring to look anywhere but Buck's terrified ones. "See? I'm right here, sweetheart, it's me and you."
Buck shakes his head and his lips quiver as his chest rises and falls quickly tears keep streaming down his face. "You— You don't know that."
"I know that." Eddie insists, voice both firm and impossibly soft despite the way his heart shatters into millions of pieces. He takes the other man's hand in his and kisses his palm before placing it back on his chest. "It's just you and me, baby, I swear."
But then, Buck's face crumbles and he drops his head, his broken wails echoing in the room, and he starts begging. "I'm s-sorry, I'm— I'm sorry, please don't leave me."
Oh, God.
"Oh, god. " Eddie's voice shakes and, that's it, he's not gonna stand there without doing anything when he itches with the need to touch Buck.
He holds Buck's arm, tugs him towards himself, and Buck just collapses straight into his chest. "Come here."
Wrapping his arms around Buck, Eddie puts his hand on the back of Buck's head, fingers buried in his hair, and presses Buck's face to his shoulder, resting his temple against Buck's.
Buck's hands grasp the back of his shirt like he's his lifeline, shoulders shaking with each cry, his breaths come out in short gasps between his hiccups and he keeps pleading and holds onto Eddie tighter as if it's even possible. "Please don't leave me, please, I'll be good, I swear."
Eddie closes his eyes and tries to swallow the lump in his throat and his eyes sting, there are tears filling his eyes and an ache in his chest; he leans in, nuzzles his nose into the crook of Buck's warm neck and plants a kiss, then breathes him in. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here."
"I'm so sorry. I'm s-so sorry." Choking out a desperate sound and clinging to Eddie as he keeps sobbing. "Please don't go, pl— I swear I'll listen to you."
" Baby , no." He can't hold back the tears finally falling down his face. He presses Buck's warm, trembling body closer to his chest and kisses his shoulder again. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
"I'm so sor—"
"Shh, you're okay." Eddie whispers, soothing. "You're okay, I'm right here, sweetheart."
Buck keeps crying and holding onto Eddie for dear life, his gut wrenching cries tear his throat and Eddie's heart breaks all over again at each one. He cries and cries but not once Eddie gets his hands off of him, he holds the other man in his arms and shushes him, he kisses him everywhere he can reach and repeats soothing words like a mantra until Buck's sobs turn into coughs, and then turn into quiet hiccups.
It takes Buck a while to stop crying, until his sobs die down but eventually, he does.
Eddie refuses to let Buck go even then, he keeps Buck's face pressed to the crook of his neck as he slowly caresses his soft curls, the side of his head, the tip of his fingers scratching his scalp; and Buck rests his temple against his shoulder, his almost steady breathing and damp lashes tickling Eddie's skin.
They managed to somewhat calm down or Buck spent all his energy on his tears, Eddie doesn't know which, but they fell into a peaceful silence now where Eddie gets to feel Buck's embrace deep in his bones without falling into another breakdown. He only realizes now how much he has been needing to hold Buck close.
Closing his eyes, Eddie plants a soft kiss on Buck's temple. "You're my baby." He whispers, petting the other man's hair. "I love you so much."
Buck doesn't answer, not that Eddie was expecting him to, but he feels Buck's hold tighten on the fabric of his shirt so slightly, and that's enough for now.
As much as Eddie would want nothing more than to hold his boyfriend forever, they are in an uncomfortable position and his knees are starting to scream at him— he's pretty sure Buck's back is killing him, too, and he still needs to give his boyfriend a look over because what happened wasn't something ordinary and he's still scared shitless. He needs to make sure Buck is okay.
So, slowly and carefully, Eddie disentangles himself from Buck, and wraps his one hand around Buck's shoulder to steady him, and Buck keeps his head low as he lets Eddie.
First, Eddie rests the back of his hand on Buck's forehead. Buck doesn't feel too warm. "You okay?"
Buck gives him a tiny nod without lifting his head, but Eddie's heart flutters when he notices Buck slightly leaning into his touch.
Pressing two fingers to the side of his neck. Pulse is fast, but not alarming. "Hospital?" He asks calmly.
Buck shakes his head, voice raspy. " 'm okay."
Letting out a sigh, Eddie lowers his hand. "Okay." He isn't going to push it— not when they need a peace of mind at least, but he also knows no one will be able to stop him from going to the hospital if Buck feels bad again. He counts on that.
So instead, Eddie tilts his head to see Buck's flushed skin and red rimmed eyes, a pained expression crossing his face, and runs his fingers through his curls one more time when he asks so gently: "Want to tell me what happened?"
Buck's teeth dig his bottom lip, glancing at Eddie hesitantly before looking away. "I— I was— I thought you were here, and— and we talked." His voice cracks at the last word but Buck clears his throat, his face in a grimace. "I don't know."
"What did I— he say?" The words leave a bitter taste in his mouth the second they come out. He isn't sure if he wants to know the answer.
Tears dwell in Buck's baby blues again at Eddie's question and he visibly teeters on the edge of panic. "Can we not talk about it?" Sniffling. "Please."
God, he hates, hates seeing Buck like this.
Eddie rests his hand on the back of Buck's head and pulls him close to kiss the top of his head. "Of course, baby. Tell me what you want."
"Can we lie down?" Buck asks, shoulders hunched and looking like a train ran him over now that the adrenaline left him with a fatigue. "I'm tired."
That, they can do. Eddie needs it, too.
He rises to his feet, grimacing when his knees pop, and offers his hand to Buck. "Come on." And when Buck takes his hand, Eddie carefully helps him get up.
He locks his fingers with Buck's and asks: "Bed or couch?"
Buck shakes his head, running a hand down his face. "Couch. I don't— I don't want to stay here, not now."
Eddie's grip on Buck's hand only tightens and he nods.
It takes some adjustment but they manage to fit, Eddie lies on his back and folds his arms around Buck, slowly running his hand up and down Buck's back while Buck lies on top of him and rests his head on his chest, right above his heart, fingers drawing nonsense below Eddie's collarbone. It feels good, soothing, the way Buck's fingers touch his skin wraps him like a warm blanket and caresses his soul.
It's easy to stay quiet when his brain feels fuzzy and when Buck's weight grounds him, but then Buck's hoarse voice breaks the silence.
"I'm not trying to kill myself." Buck's swallows. "I'm… trying. Ever since you and Chris, I'm— I'm trying to be better. But sometimes— sometimes I can't, but I'm trying. You have to know that."
Oh, so they are talking about it.
"I know, baby." Eddie almost whispers, letting out a breath. "And I hate seeing you hurting. You know you, Chris— you guys are my world, yeah? I can't survive if something happens to you. But, Buck…"
Buck raises his eyes and tilts his head just a little so he can look at Eddie.
"I need you to live for yourself, too, not just for me and Chris, you have to try for yourself, too. You deserve that."
Buck stays silent,tears slowly dwell in his eyes and without even thinking, Eddie hauls Buck towards himself and brushes his lips against Buck's, giving him a soft kiss.
"We'll figure out, okay?" Eddie cups Buck's face, their foreheads touching.
A faint smile that takes Eddie's breath away curves Buck's lips and Buck nods his head, and for the first time since yesterday, Eddie feels like he can breathe properly.
When Buck lays his head back on Eddie's shoulder after another kiss, Eddie rests his chin on top of Buck's head, tightens his hold around the other man and closes his eyes.
They'll figure it out. They have plenty of time.