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INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY
CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting watching TV. We see a shot of what’s on television: an over-the-top soap opera. An ABSURDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN is talking to an ABSURDLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
ABSURDLY ATTRACTIVE MAN
Janine, you don’t understand. I’m… dead!
A horror stinger plays, and the woman screams. We see Chandler and Joey looking baffled. Without removing their eyes from the TV for a second, Chandler passes Joey a beer.
RACHEL enters, furious.
RACHEL
I am so sick of Monica and her stupid card game! “I win, I win again”. Oh, that’s great! It’s not like you invented the thing! God, if I-
She trails off, attention captured by the TV.
RACHEL
What are you guys watching?
JOEY
(eyes still glued to the TV)
It’s some soap opera marathon that came on. It’s awful.
Chandler shushes them.
CHANDLER
I think they’re finally going to reveal the mansion’s been a hallucination this whole time!
He looks at Rachel, uncomfortable, before turning back to the TV.
CHANDLER
I mean. Yeah. Awful.
RACHEL
Huh.
She moves closer to the TV, takes a beer and sits down. We hear more noises from the show: romantic music, gunshots, screams, all in quick succession. Chandler, Joey and Rachel are transfixed.
MONICA’s voice is heard through the wall.
MONICA
(muffled)
Rachel? Rachel! Oh, you are such a sore loser!
*****
Intro sequence
*****
INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY
MONICA and ROSS are sitting together playing a convoluted card game over the coffee table. Monica rolls a die, counts something on her fingers and moves a counter across a chess board in front of them before slamming a card down on the table.
MONICA
Ha! ♪ I win, you lose, I win, you lose! ♪
ROSS
Alright, I get it!
Monica gleefully takes a couple of ten dollar bills from the coffee table. Ross gets up and begins to walk towards the counter.
MONICA
Hey! Where are you going?
ROSS
I’m getting a coffee.
MONICA
(smug)
Pff, as if. You’re running away. You’re scared I’ll beat you again.
Ross turns back.
ROSS
I am not running away. We’re in a coffeehouse. I am getting a cup of coffee.
MONICA
Alright!
Ross turns to leave again.
MONICA
(under her breath)
Coward.
Ross storms back towards Monica.
ROSS
I heard that!
MONICA
(innocently)
Heard what?
ROSS
You know what? You’re on!
He slams a fifty dollar bill onto the table.
MONICA
Alright! Let’s do this thing.
Monica resets the plentiful game pieces and begins shuffling cards.
MONICA
You’re going down.
ROSS
(mockingly)
You’re going down.
GUNTHER approaches the pair.
GUNTHER
You two are going to have to leave. You’re bothering the other customers.
ROSS
Sorry, Gunther.
ROSS
(to Monica)
Maybe another time, Mon.
MONICA
Wait!
MONICA
(to Gunther)
I’ll play you for it!
GUNTHER
…What?
MONICA
You win, we’ll leave. No problem! I win… we stay.
Gunther considers this for a moment.
GUNTHER
What’s stopping me from just kicking you out?
MONICA
The game’s really fun.
Gunther looks to Ross, who nods to confirm Monica’s assertion.
GUNTHER
(slightly reluctant)
Okay. Fine.
Monica cheers, and Gunther sits down to start playing. Ross almost walks away before circling back for his abandoned fifty dollars.
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY
We open on a shot of the TV. A CRAZY HOT MAN is investigating a giant purple crystal, pulsing with light. The production value of the show isn’t amazing. At some points, a boom mic can be seen dipping in and out of the upper corner of the screen.
CRAZY HOT MAN
This must be what fell from outer space forty years ago!
We see CHANDLER, JOEY and RACHEL, still captivated by the soap opera. The TV can still be heard.
CRAZY HOT MAN
If I destroy this, Vanessa will finally break free of her mind control.
RACHEL
Wait, isn’t that thing Scarlet’s heart?
CHANDLER
No, Scarlet’s heart was the giant amethyst from the Amazon. I think she’ll be fine if this one’s destroyed.
RACHEL
Ah, got it.
The three sit in silence for a moment. Chandler reaches down for another beer and doesn’t find one. He searches around the chair a little more thoroughly and frantically, before finally breaking his gaze from the tv and looking down at the empty beer carrier.
CHANDLER
We’re out.
RACHEL
If you want more beer, you can get it yourself. When I went to the bathroom last time I totally missed three confessions and a murder and I am not missing anything else.
CHANDLER
Look, I was the first to start watching this thing and I intend to see it through to the end. It’s… my destiny.
Both Rachel and Chandler slowly turn to look at Joey.
JOEY
No, no! I don’t wanna miss anything either. Besides, Marcus is on right now and I like Marcus.
RACHEL
We do like Marcus, don’t we, Joey? He’s cute.
JOEY
(guiltily)
Nuh uh.
Thunder and a piercing scream belonging to Crazy Hot Guy can be heard from the TV, immediately capturing the three’s attention.
CHANDLER
Cute Marcus just died. Joey?
He pats Joey on the shoulder.
JOEY
Aw, man! Alright, I’ll go.
Joey gets up and leaves, grumbling his way out the apartment.
CHANDLER
(to Joey)
You can “borrow” from Ross’s apartment. He won’t care if he doesn’t find out.
INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY
Central Perk looks very different. Tables have been rearranged and a long line of people stretches through the building and across the street outside. The camera pans to MONICA at a table, playing her card game against the first person in line. ROSS is counting money next to her.
Monica explosively concludes the current game, and the person playing against her storms off. Monica passes the money placed on the table over to Ross.
The next person in line moves forwards. The number on a blackboard reading “THE UNDEFEATABLE MONICA: WINSTREAK OF 53” is updated.
INT. ELEVATOR
JOEY enters an elevator carrying a 6 pack of cheap beer bearing a post-it note reading “Chandler, DO NOT STEAL”. SOME GUY is the only other person occupying the elevator. The doors close.
JOEY
Hey.
SOME GUY
Hey.
The two stand in awkward silence.
JOEY
Boy, this thing’s taking a long time.
Another, briefer silence… before the elevator grinds to a halt. Joey chuckles awkwardly before moving to press a button on the operating panel. Almost immediately, the lights in the elevator power down and a red emergency light flickers to life.
SOME GUY
Oh God.
JOEY
(reassuringly)
Look, I’ve had my fair share of being stuck in small boxes. It’s totally fine. I’ll just press this and…
Joey presses the emergency button. Nothing happens. He presses it again. No response. He repeatedly presses it and the button falls off of the panel.
JOEY
We’re gonna die in here!
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY
Sad, orchestral music is playing from the TV and RACHEL is crying. She takes a tissue, then passes the tissue box to CHANDLER, who is also crying.
The music fades out, and an upbeat commercial begins to play.
CHIPPER COMMERCIAL WOMAN
If you, like many others, suffer from erectile dysfunction…
Rachel and Chandler calm themselves down.
RACHEL
Say, Joey’s been gone for a while.
CHANDLER
Yeah. We should probably go look for him.
They both remain seated, unwilling to move from the TV.
CHANDLER
Of course, if he’s dead-
RACHEL
We should definitely go look for him.
They remain seated.
RACHEL
Wait! I have an idea!
Rachel hurriedly leaves the apartment before quickly returning with an armful of extension cords which she throws at Chandler.
RACHEL
Move the TV close to the window and turn the volume all the way up. Ross has a pair of binoculars for bird watching somewhere, so if I can find those before the commercial break ends…
CHANDLER
That’s brilliant!
RACHEL
Okay, thank you, hurry up!
Chandler hurries to move the TV close to the window, and Rachel runs out of the apartment again in search of a pair of binoculars.
CHIPPER COMMERCIAL WOMAN
Side effects include blood clots, blindness, impotency-
The TV is unplugged.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Rachel is running down a hallway in Ross’s apartment building. Every time she passes a window, she stops to peer through her binoculars.
RACHEL
Joey?
Rachel stops in front of a window directly in front of the closed elevator doors and realises she can just about see the TV from this spot.
RACHEL
(slightly disinterested)
Joey?
JOEY’s voice is heard from the broken elevator.
JOEY
(muffled)
Rachel?
Rachel pauses, confused. She looks around the hallway, then notices the elevator. Rachel approaches the closed elevator doors.
RACHEL
Joey, are you stuck in the elevator?
JOEY
…Yeah.
RACHEL
Oh, honey, are you alright?
JOEY
We’re fine.
RACHEL
We?
SOME GUY
(muffled)
Hello!
Rachel is caught slightly off guard by this, but very quickly regains her composure.
RACHEL
Okay, Joey and… other, I’m going to get you both out of there. Just let me go call a custodian and-
Rachel looks through her binoculars at the far away TV again, totally shocked.
RACHEL
Oh! Someone died!
JOEY
Huh?!
RACHEL
I have to go right now. I’ll call for help in a moment and- Joey?
JOEY
(panicked)
What?? What is it??
RACHEL
Is the guy in there cute?
A few moments of silence pass.
JOEY
(reluctantly)
…Yeah.
*****
INT. ELEVATOR
JOEY and SOME GUY are standing in the elevator together. Joey’s leaning against the back wall. The emergency light can be less harsh here in order to demonstrate a slightly more comfortable atmosphere.
SOME GUY
Hey, thanks.
JOEY
For what?
SOME GUY
You talked me up to your friend.
JOEY
Oh. Oh! Yeah, no problem.
Silence.
JOEY
So. What do you do?
SOME GUY
I’m a geophysicist studying seismic activity surrounding certain supervolcanoes.
JOEY
Sorry I asked.
More silence.
JOEY
Do you think one of your “supervolcanoes” could’ve exploded while we’re stuck in here and we’re like, the only humans left?
SOME GUY
No.
JOEY
(slightly disappointed)
Oh. Good.
Even more silence.
SOME GUY
Um… what do you do?
JOEY
I’m an actor.
SOME GUY
Your answer’s better.
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - DAY
RACHEL bursts through the door and immediately heads to the TV. CHANDLER barely notices her, still completely focused on the show.
RACHEL
Who got shot?
CHANDLER
Amy’s mom, but she’s not actually dead. They’re inspecting the body in the morgue right now but I’m pretty sure it’s going to end up being the wax figure they built in season 3.
Rachel collapses into a chair relieved, before realising she’s forgotten something.
RACHEL
Joey!
Rachel picks up the phone.
RACHEL
(to Chandler)
Joey’s stuck in an elevator.
CHANDLER
(barely listening)
Good for him!
Rachel punches in the number to Ross’s building’s custodian and anxiously waits as the phone rings.
RACHEL
Come on, come on, pick up!
INT. CUSTODIAN’S OFFICE
The custodian’s office is cramped and dark, lit by a dim lamp that looms over a small table. On the table sits a pair of shot glasses and a bottle of vodka. Sat at the table is the CUSTODIAN wearing a poker visor… and MONICA. The two are playing Monica’s card game.
Monica pushes a stack of poker chips across the table, rolls a die and places three cards on the table. She reaches behind her and finds a plunger, which she suctions onto the table. The custodian carefully considers her turn.
A phone can be heard ringing, frustrating both the custodian and Monica. Eventually, the custodian picks up the phone.
CUSTODIAN
Yeah. Uh huh. Got it. Alright then.
The custodian hangs up the phone before pushing a couple of poker chips back over to Monica and taking a shot.
MONICA
Who was it?
CUSTODIAN
Some kids are stuck in an elevator.
MONICA
Oh my god!
CUSTODIAN
Eh, they can wait.
Monica grins and the two continue playing.
INT. ELEVATOR
JOEY and SOME GUY are sitting together. The beer carrier has been opened. Some Guy flips a coin and catches it on his arm.
JOEY
Okay, uh… heads!
Some Guy reveals the coin.
SOME GUY
Oohh, tough luck.
JOEY
Your turn!
Some Guy passes the coin to Joey, who flips it.
SOME GUY
Heads.
Joey reveals the coin.
JOEY
Nice! You’re really good at this.
Joey flicks the coin to Some Guy, who flips it and waits for Joey’s guess.
JOEY
Y’know, at first I was super bummed that you weren’t a hot girl.
SOME GUY
Okay?
JOEY
It’s not that you’re not - I mean, if I was in here with a girl we’d have already- not that I wouldn’t - what I mean to say is, I’m not gay.
Some Guy looks at Joey incredulously.
JOEY
(dejected)
Tails.
Some Guy reveals the coin to confirm Joey’s guess. It’s very quiet.
SOME GUY
Um, you’re no “hot girl” or whatever, but I-
He trails off. Joey and Some Guy look at each other. The atmosphere has changed. They begin to move closer to one another.
The elevator shakes and starts moving again, its regular lights returning. Joey and Some Guy move away from each other immediately and stand up, brushing themselves off. Joey picks up the beer carrier. It’s awkward.
JOEY
Elevator’s moving.
SOME GUY
Good! Good.
A few more uncomfortable seconds of silence pass. Joey and Some Guy are trying their best not to look at one another.
The elevator grinds to a halt, and the emergency lights return. Almost immediately, Joey drops the beer carrier and the two kiss.
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - EVENING
PHOEBE and MONICA are playing Monica’s card game over the kitchen counter. CHANDLER, RACHEL and ROSS are watching TV in the background.
MONICA
Pheebs! You can’t end your turn until you move your queen onto a safe square.
PHOEBE
Right, right.
Phoebe moves a chess piece across a chess board then considers her hand of cards before playing one.
PHOEBE
What does a jack do again?
Monica is taken aback. She checks her hand, the cards on the table and the chess board.
MONICA
You… you won.
PHOEBE
Oh, I did? Yippee! I don’t really get it, but-
MONICA
And I… lost.
PHOEBE
Maybe you just need more practice. I’m a very fearsome opponent.
Phoebe takes some money from the counter before joining Ross, Rachel and Chandler to watch the show.
MONICA
I can’t believe this! You must have cheated, or-
Monica looks up at the TV.
MONICA
That guy’s an alien!
She starts to walk towards the TV, but is interrupted by the ringing phone. Monica picks up the phone.
MONICA
(to the phone)
Oh! Okay, thank you.
She hangs up.
MONICA
Joey was stuck in an elevator??
RACHEL
Didn’t I tell you?
CHANDLER
No, you said “Monica, I should tell y-” then got distracted yelling at the TV after the reveal that Scarlet faked her coma.
RACHEL
I’ll never forgive that bitch.
MONICA
Anyway, they rescued Joey.
No one reacts. They continue watching TV.
RACHEL
Wait, they rescued Joey!
Everyone runs to leave the apartment and go see Joey. As Chandler leaves, he peers round the door so he may watch the TV till the moment the door’s closed.
INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER, MONICA and PHOEBE run down the hallway to see JOEY. Rachel goes to hug Joey. Everyone’s delighted to see him. SOME GUY walks off, waving goodbye. Some Guy and Joey have switched shirts.
JOEY
(to Rachel)
What did I miss?
RACHEL
Well, Monica was playing this-
JOEY
What? No, I don’t care about that. In the show!
RACHEL
Okay, so this giant volcano emerged in San Diego that-
She looks back at Ross, Chandler, Phoebe and Monica, who are all peering out the window in an attempt to see the TV.
RACHEL
You know what? I’ll explain on the way back.
Everyone begins to leave.
CHANDLER
Hey, Joe? Were you always wearing that shirt?
*****
Credits
*****
INT. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We see a shot of the TV. Credits for the soap opera are rolling. CHANDLER is fast asleep. The camera pans to show everyone else is asleep too.
Chandler suddenly wakes up, jumping forwards towards the TV.
CHANDLER
No. No!
This wakes up everyone else. Chandler turns to the group.
CHANDLER
Please tell me at least one of you saw the final episode.
Everyone shrugs or shakes their heads. Chandler, seemingly devastated, takes a moment to consider this.
CHANDLER
(neutral)
Oh well. It wasn’t that good.