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“Hey Nito, have I ever told ya about what my little sis did for school yesterday—”
Nazuna’s all smiles as Kuro begins to narrate about a school play his little sister had partaken in the previous day, a sense of pride and joy swelling through each of his words. When he’s not practicing his singing on the rooftop, the singular place in the school where he can find solace, he loves listening to Kuro talk about anything and everything. The sound of Kuro’s voice brings about a calm in his heart, serving as a distraction from that terrible feeling rising in his heart – akin to rogue waves repeatedly crashing at the shore, leaving behind a hollow emptiness on the sand.
It’s become harder and harder for him to attend idol practice with Valkyrie, where Shu’s anger over the drastic change in the school’s system rises with each day. His temper rages upon the vast sea, nitpicking at every little movement they make and scolding them for even a stumble during dance practice, and creates a rift on this already sinking boat. Both him and Mika try their best to chase after Shu’s expectations, to become the ideal pieces that bring together his beloved masterpiece, but Nazuna can see the cracks beginning to creep in. It’s hard to keep up. It’s increasingly difficult to follow through Shu’s demands. He can see it in Mika’s face, who is equally as worn out as him after practice – that this is taking a step past their limit.
The beautifully ornamented frame that surrounds them is already crooked. The paint is chipping away, with the tiny pieces falling to the floor. And he, as the centerpiece – is now a doll made with rusted wood and worn joints that become squeaky with every movement of his limbs. The audience has already taken notice of how unkempt everything is, and Nazuna knows it’s only a matter of time before the gears will one day stop and they are discarded away to the trash, left to rot and be forgotten.
There’s a part of Nazuna that doesn’t want to give up. From the bottom of his heart, he wants to believe that they can pull through this. They were once the best unit of the school after all. He wants to pick up the rotted pieces of chipped paint and bring that vivid color back. Nazuna wants to believe. They will stand back up from this.
Right?
He wants to believe, and yet — it’s difficult when he feels like he has to push beyond his limits to achieve it. Is it really worth it to go on? His rotting body is barely able to keep up with it all. It hurts, it really hurts despite wanting to push through, that he’s barely able to muster a smile anymore.
–Well, okay, that’s not entirely true.
Nowadays, the only time he ever finds himself smiling for a moment is when he’s with Kuro. While the land surrounding them brings about a restless tension and uneasiness for him, he finds respite in the presence of one tall, red-haired boy. They rarely exchange any words though, and Nazuna is surprisingly okay with that. He finds it difficult to speak, but Kuro is patient and understanding and able to decipher most of what the doll wishes to express through his body language. For that, Nazuna is eternally grateful – well, in all honesty, there is a long list of things he wants to thank Kuro for already.
But there’s something else itching at the back of his mind, lying dormant at the tip of his tongue. An endless pile of worries for the present and future and everything else – the thought of it makes his heart ache. It’s become painful to just simply exist. He needs to open it up and unload it somewhere, have someone just sit by his side and allow Nazuna to pour his heart out to them.
His ruby eyes couldn’t stop taking glances at Kuro, desiring to do just that — but whenever his hand is outstretched and he’s so close to tugging at the sleeve of Kuro’s uniform, Nazuna just…pauses. And he brings his hand back down to his side, simply sitting there and continuing to let everything within him tangle itself into a hot mess.
Nazuna can’t just do that to Kuro, he can’t just unload everything to him all at once. He will always remember the little comments he made that while he may speak nonchalantly about, Nazuna understands that Kuro is suffering equally as him in his own way. “A thug like me ain’t fit to be an idol,” “My face’s too scary to make any friends,” “‘m rarely eatin’ to save up money” — those were just some of the many words Kuro had said in passing that stuck in Nazuna’s mind. While he may be all happy and cheers when he’s with Nazuna, it’d feel wrong to add to the weight already burdening Kuro’s heart.
Even if he’s repeatedly told you he’s willing to be there for you?
A quiet voice whispers at the back of his mind. The words sting Nazuna like needles prickling at his skin. The blonde simply stills, with fists clenching tight onto the sides of his school pants.
He’s been telling you time and time again. — “If anything’s troublin’ ya, let me know, okay?”, “If anyone tries given’ ya a hard time, I’ve got yer back, Nito.“ — Did he not say such things? Why delude yourself into thinking you can’t open up to him?
Nazuna doesn’t provide an answer. He already knows what’s going to happen – that this conversation is simply pointless to argue in because this will just go in circles again and again.
The voice makes a good point, but Nazuna won’t admit that.
“It’s okay though”, Nazuna reassures himself as he softly nods and his lips turn to a smile when Kuro shows him a picture of his little sister dressed up as a princess for a school play. Just having Kuro here with him is fine. He really cherishes that Kuro is willing to spend time with someone with him, a small boy with difficulty speaking his mind.
He hopes that even with barely more than an utter coming out of his lips, that Kuro understands that Nazuna too would bend the world for him and he cherishes every moment with him.
🐇🐇🐇🐇
The world changes around him. The bad come and go, and the good comes…and stays. Before Nazuna knows it, he’s already juggling both being a college student and an idol with Ra*bits.
Ra*bits — composed him, Tomoya, Hajime, and Mitsuru — the unit that he once thought he’d just simply come to their aid before leaving, but have now become an integral part of him. The three young idols with him are always growing bit by bit everyday, and those three are the most important people in his life. It’s because of them that he’s learned to live once more, that he’s now a living and breathing human being hopping through life all the while brimming with excitement for what’s to come.
Through them, he’s also been able to nurture the relationships he’s made – old and new. He’s obtained a rocky relationship with Valkyrie after leaving, but they’ve slowly begun to heal the old wounds that once plagued them. He finds newfound companionship with others – from his classmates in 3-B like Leo and Wataru, Izumi and Tori in the tennis club, Makoto and Shinobu from the broadcasting committee. He’s grateful to have met all these people – each piece of them filling a hole in his once empty heart.
And then there is Kuro.
Nazuna ponders what would have happened if a long time ago, he actually listened to that voice. The human mind is powerful in creating all these what-if scenarios in his head, turning the gears to have him wondering what would happen if this or that played out instead. This is one of his most prominent thoughts for quite some time now, a scenario where Nazuna had just simply opened up to Kuro sooner.
There’s a part where Nazuna knows that a whole lot of things would play out differently – he could have left Valkyrie early, or probably never be a part of Ra*bits. Maybe he and Kuro could run away from Yumenosaki and never return, taking a train that leaves Tokyo and never look back? He could have also ended up in a unit with him if they both wished to stay – and either they rise to the top and be a prominent idol duo or fail to win anyone’s hearts and disband, laughing off their futile attempt in becoming idols together.
The rabbit finds himself chuckling to himself with such silly thoughts, because he knows what he truly thinks – it’s that even with all these visions, he doesn’t regret the path that led to where he is now. Everything he’s been thinking of is just a made up scenario of something that he can never find the true answer to.
What matters now is that he is and will always be a proud member of Ra*bits. And Kuro Kiryu is and will always be an important friend to him.
Once upon a time, he feared speaking up about his own feelings, scared of getting rejected for uttering anything against someone’s ideals. But being part of Ra*bits has helped him learn that it’s okay and he should allow himself to be more honest, that no one should tell him what to do or think.
Nazuna wants to be true to himself, he knows that more than anything. And that starts with the rest of Ra*bits, then those feelings connect like wires towards the rest of his precious peers – especially to Kuro, who has looked out and wanted the best for him since the beginning of their friendship.
“Kuro-chin!” The blonde chuckles loudly when he tackles Kuro for a hug. He can feel the taller boy yelp a little at the sudden embrace, but he doesn’t push him away. Kuro reaches out a hand to pat his hand with a grin on his face.
“Hey Nito.” Kuro laughs softly. “What’s up?”
“I just got back from university! You know, one of my college friends today just–”
Their voices are drowned out by the numerous chattering surrounding them down in the staff’s dining hall. But any passerby that crossed their paths could clearly see that the two were close, bearing an irreplaceable bond that can’t ever be replicated.