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Bruck was just an unpleasant mix of emotions, he did not like it but he could not help it.
He was so... angry! Why was everyone so adoring of Obi-Wan? It was not fair! It was clear that Master Yoda was trying to find a Master for Obi-Wan, but why not him? Why? Was it because the redhead was older and finding him a Master was more urgent? Or was it because, as he had suspected, no one but Aalto liked him?
Considering that they were only two months apart in age, the latter was unfortunately also the most likely option.
The rage was so strong, he wanted to hit something, preferably Obi-Wan, even though he was well aware, deep down, that the other Initiate was not responsible for his own sense of rivalry and illegitimacy. It was just easier to get angry at others, to get angry at all the Knights and Masters who had not chosen him, or at Master Yoda for his distrust of him – even if, after the slight incident of the punch that had almost broken his nose and left his face covered in blood, he could kind of understand it – but it just was not possible for obvious reasons.
Bruck was angry, not stupid.
He just wanted to feel like he belonged, was that too much to ask?
And those fucking tears! Bloody sensitivity!
Wiping his eyes with an enraged motion, Bruck stiffened as he felt a presence very close to him.
Way too close.
- "What? What do you want?" he finally asked, knowing that his aggression would probably be reported, but what did it matter when he was not chosen as a Padawan and nobody wanted him?
He was good though, not as good as Siri, but he knew he was good, it was so unfair and painful to be told you did not have what it took to be part of a family you had always aspired to join as a legitimate, expected and recognised member.
The presence came closer in silence and out of the shadows and Bruck turned pale. A Temple Guard.
Well... he was karked, wasn't he? This was the kind of behaviour that was going to cause him problems.
- You're angry, are you alright?
Surprised, Bruck looked up again at the smooth mask to see where the eyes were. Was this a trap? To make him confess his problems in order to punish him better?
On the other hand... Temple Guards were not supposed to talk, and he did not look like a bad guy.
Anyway, screw it.
- I was at a duel against another Initiate, hoping to become a Padawan.
- How old are you?
- I'm twelve.
- "Almost thirteen?" asked the Guard, immediately understanding the stakes.
- No, but...
- "But no one wants to be chosen last and at the last moment," the Guard said better than Bruck could put it into words.
The other approached and held out his hand, Bruck stepped back, the other stopped before starting again more slowly. The Initiate wanted to back away again, he did not understand what the other man wanted to do – he was a man, wasn't he? – but he was more curious than he was worried or suspicious, so he let the Guard touch his neck before frowning as he felt him touch one of his bruises.
- Ouch.
- Does that hurt? Sorry, I'm just trying to...
And suddenly Bruck felt relief from the pain, while still feeling the pressure of the Jedi's fingers against his throat.
- What the...?
- "Force healing," the other explained patiently. "Few bother to learn it, yet it can save lives. It's very useful when you don't have Bacta, or when you want to save some supplies for a time when you're too tired to heal yourself or others. Do you have any other injuries?"
- "They're just bruises," Bruck murmured, embarrassed but also disturbed by the stranger's attention.
- And you like bruises that much?
Bruck smiled in spite of himself at the bit of humour and let himself be treated, watching in amazement as the Guard healed his body without apparent effort.
- "Why haven't I seen the Healers do this before?" he finally asked, admiring the white halo around the Jedi's hands.
- Do you go to the Halls often?
- No, just for my shots... ah, of course.
He would not have seen this because he had never needed it, since he had never really been injured he had not needed the kind of care that would require this kind of action.
- "It's a shame, if we were shown this, I'm sure many would want to learn," he muttered.
Even he would want to learn that.
- I agree, but unfortunately those who decide don't think so.
- It's stupid, they need to be cured too sometimes!
Whatever Bruck thought he was getting for calling the High Council stupid, it was not an amused laugh and an approving nod.
- Trust me, I know, you don't have to convince me. But tell me, why were you duelling today? I thought the Padawan introductions were already over.
- Master Yoda wanted me to fight Oa... Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of another Master. I was so hoping he'd choose me, I deserve it, it's...
- Disappointing, I understand. Try not to judge yourself too harshly, some Masters are very particular when it comes to choosing a Padawan. Who was it, if I may ask?
- "It was Master Qui-Gon Jinn," Bruck replied, so happy to have finally found an adult who understood his feelings and did not tell him they were useless and should be discarded.
Strangely, the other man tensed. Bruck felt him stiffen under his thick clothes, it was subtle but it was there. An acquaintance of Master Jinn, perhaps? If so, this was perhaps the most shameful moment of his life, how could he-
- You're better off without him, I assure you.
Bruck's thoughts went blank.
- Eh?
- Master Jinn lost a Padawan to the Dark Side, mainly because he killed the Padawan's biological father when the two had grown close. After that, he also disowned his first Padawan, who had done nothing to deserve this dismissal. You deserve better.
- "You don't know me," the Initiate replied bitterly. "Maybe that's exactly the kind of Master I deserve."
- Nobody deserves that.
It was so... categorical.
- I'm vicious and mean to the other Initiates.
The other hummed and turned to a window that looked out on the Temple, where life went on without apparent worry.
- You lack self-confidence, it's not your fault that no one was able to reassure you, it's the fault of the adults around you. People are never mean without a reason. What do you want?
- To be a Padawan.
- Is that what you want? That's your life's goal? To be a Padawan?
Bruck frowned and craned his head to the left, a tic of confusion he was trying to stop.
- To be a Jedi?
- And why do you want to be a Jedi?
Bruck did not understand the question, it was just... a given? He was born and bred for it.
- Because that's why I'm here?
- Corps members are Jedi. They live differently, have different tasks, and live in communities where the Jedi in the Temple have little connection to each other. They train, they fight, they help people. They are Jedi like any other, they have missions, even if they are not on Coruscant.
- I want to be useful!
- You think making a devastated land fertile and alive isn't useful?
- No, it’s not-
- You think healing is not useful? Teaching?
- That's not what I said!
The other laughed and waved him off.
- I know you didn't say it, but I also know that you think it, even subconsciously. It's normal, we all think like that at your age, because no one shows us all the futures that there are for us. If no one here chooses you, it doesn't mean you won't be exceptional, just that you'll get there without them.
- "I just want someone to see me," Bruck finally admitted before wiping his eyes again. "I know it's selfish but..."
- "It's not selfish to protect yourself," the Jedi interrupted firmly. "If you're protecting the Order, you have to protect its members, and that means yourself. If you need help, that's normal, we all need help."
- I don't think anyone wants to help me be a Jedi.
- Hmm... tomorrow night, meet me outside the Healing Halls. I will make sure that you are dispensed with by the Crèche Masters. Wait, what's your name?
- "Bruck Chun," he sniffed reluctantly.
The Guard then lifted his mask and winked at him.
- Feemor, nice to meet you. Dry your tears, tomorrow you'll see something really cool.
All the evening Bruck was thinking of only one thing: himself and his future. He did not know exactly what he wanted, but one thing was now certain, he would not be helped by those around him to find his destiny.
Finally... seeing a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed human waiting peacefully against a wall and smiling at him with a genuinely happy expression, Bruck hoped that perhaps he was not as alone as he had feared.