Work Text:
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
I send my sincere wishes of congratulations on moving into the 98th floor of the Tenshukaku; it is a floor under mine and two floors under mother’s. I hope you will enjoy your life as you begin new endeavors with Kaedehara on your journey.
As you might notice, I have dispatched my housewarming gift to your doorstep. Her name is ‘Shiro,’ a black Persian cat I spent three million mora on to purchase. It took me four months to search for an adequate breeder who did not attempt to scam me by coloring these creatures’ fur. If you are unaware, black cats mean ‘bad luck’ and I believe your rotten essence can neutralize this myth.
If you have any inquiries, do not hesitate to contact me. I am only a floor above.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Your boyfriend is an extremely polite man; it astonishes me how an arrogant, cold person like you managed to attain someone like him. I must acknowledge that the world is generous in miracles nowadays.
In contrast to your belief, I sent Shiro to your blooming household with my most sincere wishes. I have no intention of ‘sabotaging your relationship' or ‘ruining your fucking day with my presence.’ It is in my deepest regrets that Shiro’s fur tint has caused grave grievances to your psychology. It seems that I was scammed; I did not know she had white fur. Kaedehara also shares my sentiment, and hopefully, someday, you will understand my reasoning and accept Shiro into your loving family.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Despite living in the most expensive building in Inazuma City, I am still able to hear noises from down below. This has fluctuated my understanding and I will work on my ignorance. However, ever since you moved in with your boyfriend, I am beginning to hear loud stomps and screams through the floor during the night.
I am extremely worried. As your twin sister, it is my duty to ensure your safety. I personally believe Kaedehara is a good man, but if he is ever causing harm to you in any way, shape, or form, then inform me as soon as possible. If you are unaware, I maintain a red belt in Judo, Karate, and Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu along with a black belt in Taekwondo. I am more than capable of inflicting bodily harm to those who shame the Raiden bloodline.
I know this may be a hard time for you, but remember that I am here.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Thank you for educating me. I now understand the intent behind those sounds and I will not question it further. However, I hired a construction team to place soundproof flooring between us, as I have no desire to hear your love-making noises.
It appears that Kaedehara is, in fact, a good man. Your boyfriend came up to my doorstep and offered his sincerest apologies, which I greatly accepted. Kaedehara has also alleviated my close-minded assumptions and stated how those screams were from you – so tone them down, at least for the time being. I do not wish for the construction workers to stress.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Have you heard of the digital networking platform called Facebook? I sent your boyfriend a friend request, and he has accepted my friend request. We are now friends. Why did you never mention that Kaedehara is a swordsman? Have you forgotten that I am an avid collector of swords from around the world?
Last week, I came home from Sumeru after purchasing the Light of Foliar Incision for twenty million mora. Mother is not happy, so I have purchased a plane ticket to Mondstadt that leaves tomorrow.
I am humbly requesting your assistance. My pet cat, ‘Miko,’ will have no one to feed and bathe her while I am in hiding. Consequently, I do not trust random strangers to touch my collection of swords with their filthy hands, which is why I am also requesting Kaedehara’s assistance in maintaining my precious blades.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Firstly, I must send my sincerest gratitude for taking care of my cat and my sword collection. I would tell you to extend my greetings to Kaedehara, but it seems that you two are placing distance between yourselves. I do not understand why you must make both of your lives harder.
Knowing Kaedehara, the only reasonable conclusion I can reach is that this break-up is your fault. Brother, you have found someone who is willing to deal with your less than pleasant personality (although mother calls it “princess” attitude; are you not a man?). Your physical appearance can only bring you so far, despite your unfortunate character.
I expect Shiro to have both her fathers present by next week.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
I am ecstatic to hear that you and Kaedehara have reconciled. I had worried I would have to spend mora to hire a caretaker for my swords when mother disabled my credit card. Now that Kaedehara has returned, please extend an invitation for him to enter my premises — my swords are in dire need of polishing.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
A man named “Tomo” managed to break into my home and I am currently restraining him. He claims to have a great relationship with Kaedehara and has mistakenly entered my domain. If he is an unnecessary obstacle in your loving relationship, merely text me a word and I shall dispose of him.
Additionally, mother has re-opened my credit card and I can now pay for a caretaker given that I refrain from purchasing “useless swords.” Mother is quite old, no? She will never understand my incessant need for blades. I am stating this because I am assured you will understand my situation with your sudden collection of “BDSM” objects, or otherwise known as “Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism” objects. Tell Kaedehara I have no more use for his manual labor and that he must practice self-respect.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
I apologize for restraining your boyfriend’s best friend. Concerning your note, my response is a downright refusal. I will not “accidentally cause Tomo bodily harm” as you have secretly instructed me to do so. If you have insecurities within your established relationship with Kaedehara, then I have no wish to participate in your inconsequential issues. However, I must state that I entrusted Shiro to both of you with the expectation of providing her with a loving family environment.
Additionally:
Brother, if you truly are insecure, then I would like to inform you that Kaedehara approached me yesterday to request my blessing. I will not state what specific blessing I have given him, as that would tarnish the surprise. Enjoy your life and gods bless.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun
To: Raiden Kunikuzushi (Scaramouche, ‘Wanderer,’ brother)
From: Raiden Shogun
Dear brother,
Firstly, congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
Secondly, I apologize for causing severe bodily harm to your future husband. When he visited me asking for my blessing, I mentioned that I will only allow it if he defeats me in hand-to-hand combat. Kaedehara did not beat me, but I greatly appreciated his willpower, so I granted my permission.
Thirdly, yes, I am able to read your notes stating: “Stop calling him my boyfriend.” I do not apologize for that. I will now label him as your husband.
Best wishes,
Raiden Shogun