Work Text:
"Have you heard about the Hunter Exam?"
"Yeah, it's starting soon, isn't it?"
Reader, the sexiest bitch in the room, looks over.
She had been sent to the market by her MILF mother, whose name I don't remember, and was just looking at the fruit section when she hears a couple talking. She had heard of the Hunter Exam before, but didn't know much about it.
"Um, excuse me hoes," she says, coming up behind the couple and smiling politely. "What's the Hunter Exam?"
The woman turns around and smiles at Reader, sexiest bitch in the room. She delivers exposition about the Hunter Exam and Reader (sexiest bitch in the room) decides she wants to go. Reader giggles cutely as she walks back home with the groceries, passing Kukooro Mountain on the way back. The large metal gates block her from entering, but she knows the mountain well. The Zoldyck family, a family for bloodthirsty assassins who will kill anyone for the right price. She thinks about how hot that is, like her, and then moves on past it to her house. No one visits her home because Reader's family lives right next to the Zoldyck estate, only half a mile away from their towering metal defenses.
"Get up cocksuckers I'm home," Reader shouts as she enters, throwing her groceries into the kitchen. They burst on impact and splatter all over the kitchen. Reader's MILF mom smiles as she enters. "There's my little angel," the MILF smiles, her boobs bouncing boobily as she comes over. She's a total Pixar mom but with a Disney twist to her, that definitely won't come up later in the story. Reader's pissy brother, Jacob, sneers from the edge of the couch that Reader's MILF was on.
"Hey whore," his voice cuts through the room. Reader laughs and rolls her eyes because she's such a badass and so totally cool. "Um, Actually, being a whore is cool now, sexist pig."
Jacob cries and runs away.
"oh yeah and I'm gonna be a hunter now, bye bitches"
and then Reader leaves and goes to the Hunter Exam.
She somehow gets into the Hunter Exam by herself, and meets a boy with spikey, green-black hair; a girl with shoulder length blonde hair; and an older make with spikey black hair. Their names were Green Bean, Kurapika, and LayOreo.
They're just chatting and hitting it up when a fat man in blue comes over. "OOOOOOH YEAH," he shouts like the Kool-Aid man. "Wassup everybody, my name's Typhoon and I'm bi-curious," the fat guy, Typhoon, smiles. His voice is gravely like a chain smoker's and he's really fucking ugly. "Do you want some of my special juices???"
"Um no you pedo--" starts Reader, sexiest bitch in the room. But Green Bean (because he's an idiot) nods and accepts. "Omg I love special juices!!! My dad gives me them all the time, well actually not because my dad is absent in my life."
Reader nods solemnly at Green Bean's words. "That's rough, buddy."
Green-Bean drinks the orange juice that Typhoon gives them, but spits it out. "UGH THIS TASTES LIKE PUSSY WATER" he shouts.
"that's because it is."
We walk away from Typhoon.
Suddenly, a purple twink with a mustache and no mouth appears at the front of the group. "Hey my little bitches," he greets. "Welcome to the Hunter Exam. Follow me and don't get behind or you'll die or whatever. L-O-L!"
Reader smirks to herself, all smug. She's gonna kill this. She's so use to running around the house and doing chores because her family is super poor and pathetic, so she's super strong and a great runner, WHICH IS A LITERAL DETAIL WE WROTE IN THE ORIGINAL.
Anyway Reader and her clique run after the twink, who keeps talking about bears, for some reason. Reader's so innocent and perfect though, so she doesn't know what gay people are.
LayOreo starts to yell at some pale kid in front of him on a skateboard.
"YOU TINY BITCH YOU CAN'T USE SKATEBOARDS THIS IS RUNNING"
The little kid in front of LayOreo just snorts. "Uh, I don't care. I'm way better than you losers."
"Leave him alone!!" Shouts Green-Bean. The little boy notices us, blue eyes like diamonds in a lake. He loses speed on his skate board until he's besides Green-Bean and I.
"How old are you?" he asks.
"twelve," Green-Bean and Reader say at the same time, because I don't have the time to write two different dialogues.
"That's so real, me too," the boy says with impeccable rizz as he kickflips off his skateboard. Reader and Green-Bean ooo and aah in amazement at him, and everyone stops running to clap at how amazing this white haired boy is.
"The name's Killua," he says with a cool attitude, and Reader totally swoons.
"I'm Reader, and this is Green-Bean."
Killua shakes his hair out like and surfer and Reader almost falls over will how much she's crushing on him rn.
Anyway they just run for hours and then get to the stairs. Reader totally nails the stairs part, because again, she's just so used to the physical labor of taking care of the house and being a woman that she's amazing at running up the stairs, which is a literal line that I wrote and you kept in.
They get to the swamp where people are eaten by rabid monkey men and Green-Bean is stalked by a pedophile clown, which will happen more than once. As we make it to the resting place after the forest, crowded with survivors; yet Reader notices there are significantly less people here than there were before. She's so kawaii desu and sweet, however, that she prays above to the omega alpha moon goddess that they're all okay and not injured. We love a caring queen ig
She and Green-Bean, who she had found her way here with (alongside Kurapika) spot Killua. He looks so effortlessly cool and sauve that she swoons over his existence as he approaches and says hi.
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," squeals Reader in her head. He's just so cute!!
The gates suddenly open behind them. There are dozens of benches and cooking utensils laid out; on a some large chair, not unlike a throne, sits a lesbian with ugly ass cyan hair and a fatass discord mod behind her.
"Hey kittens," says Discord Mod. He scratches his neck beard and pulls down his thick yellow shirt. Reader wonders how many regular shirts could be made out of his one, because she's just so sassy and snarky and funny. But she's also super sugoi and nice, so she takes back the thought immediately. "You're gonna make Menchi and I some food. Go hunt, kittens, we'll be watching~" the Discord Mod continues, winking. Reader feels a shiver go down her spine. Yuck.
Anyway, they go into the forest and hunt these giant ass boars that are really strong and LayOreo gets fucking rammed by one of them. Reader is super cool though so she totally outwits the boars and gets them to hit their head in the tree without ANY help to figure out that they're weak on their head, because she's so amazing and sugoi!!! She's still a weak FEMALE though and when she tries to lift the boar, she can't, because all her stats went into being agile and lithe like all women, rather than being strong. Killua comes up behind her and lifts up her boar without any effort, and Reader's kokoro is about to burst from her chest!!
"Gr-Grassy ass, Killua-kun..." Reader mumbles, twirling her hair and shyly digging her foot in the ground. Killua smirks and winks at her. "What? can't pick up a boar by yourself?" he teases, because Killua is an asshole. "me encanta cuando tu hablas español pookiebear. Even though we're Japanese, maybe."
Reader squeal and tsundere run away to my table, where Killua joins her a few moments later. He puts down Reader's boar before putting down his right next to her. Oh my dios??? he's sitting next to her!! Kawaii-desuuu!!
Kill me now.
Reader cuts up and effortlessly cooks the boar, because shes such a powerful female who totally takes back stereotypes against women by being good at cooking and cleaning even though she's still super strong and powerful (even though we ended up writing her to be a weak, sour bitch, but whatever). Killua tries to copy her but just can't because she's so amazing. Menchi starts calling up people to give her their dishes, and all the MEN fail, but Reader's is the only good one because she's so cool and amazing.
"Alright sweetie, you're the only one to pass!" Menchi says and chuckles with her chain smoker voice. The Discord Mod chuckles behind her and gives Reader a look that makes her shiver. Yuck.
"But I can't win, that's not fair!!" Reader shouts, because she's a team player and so cool. Sexiest bitch in the room.
"But you pass dumbass????"
"BUT I DONT WANNA"
"YOU MARY SUE BITCH YOU PASS--"
Something falls from the sky and a cloud of dust billows out from the impact. An ugly old man with long ass earlobes appears from the dust. "Sup bitchez" says the hag
"Ayyo motherfuckers, Menchi's being unfair so I'm gonna take you to get these eggs or whatever to prove yourself."
Reader and all of them get on this airship and fly to this canyon. Reader can't do it because she already passed, and so she gets to watch as they skydive into the canyon and get picked back up by the wind. Killua does it effortlessly and shyly shares his egg with her. "Baka!" He says as he gives her a spoon to eat with him. Reader smiles cheekily. "sure I am"
Anyway the eat their egg and get on the airship and Killua, Green-Bean, and Reader talk about where they're from.
"Yeah my mom is gone and my dad left me, so I just live with my mom," shrugs Green-Bean, but he looks ready to cry.
"Thats an L," says Killboy. "I'm an assassin and I live on this place called Mount Kukooro. I wanna kill my family because they're assholes."
"OMG YOU LIVE ON MOUNT KUKOORO???" Reader shouts.
"Um, yeah?"
"we're neighbors!!"
Killua pauses. "Are you part of the family that has that small house near mine???"
Reader shrugs. "yeah, where else would I live?"
Killua grins and gives her a high five because he just does, man.
Uhhh timeskip because I said so. We're on the island now because nothing but Reader getting rizzed by a white-haired assassin who calls her weak and makes fun of her happens. Oh and Killua kills a guy. L. Love you <3
"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK," Reader thinks, taking her hand out of the box and seeing her number. She had gotten 14--Killua's number. Killua, the assassin. Killua, who she saw ruthlessly kill a man; tear out his heart and hold it in a bag with the cloth of the man's shirt. And now she had to fight him for his badge, which she knew he wouldn't readily give to her. Despite his perfect looks, he's still a 12-year-old jackass. She doubts he'll hand it over if she asks.
She takes her place back in line in between Killua and Green-Bean, having dug her target's number into her pocket. "Reader-chan!" squeals Green-Bean, all suave. Killua flicks his hair back and smoulders like The Rock at Reader, but not because he likes her. She swoons, as she so often does, for she is a female protagonist. "Yeah, Green-bean?"
"omg so who did you get mamacita," Killua asks, still smouldering. Reader runs her fingers through her hair like the nervous sugoi baka she is. "u-u-u-um nothing," Reader stammers, but then curses herself in her head. How could she be so obvious??? Baka!
Killua nods knowingly, and carries on. After everyone draws their badge, tucking their own into any pocket or crevice on their person where it might not be found, they all gather on the boat to take them to the island. It's eerily silent, no one speaking to one another. They are enemies now, after all. Reader wonders to herself if any of her others friends were as unlucky as her, having drawn on someone in their group.
She wonders if Killua has her for a target.
The thought makes her shiver, memories blinking back to Killua and his long, sharp nails piercing through that man's chest. The blood that had splattered onto his face and covered his hand and arm. He's still a literally murderer, after all. Why is she even friends with him even though he literally kills people??? The most sane reaction is to ditch him as quickly as possible.
Whatever, she thinks. Only a few hours later does the boat dock. She had gone to the lower levels of the boat, avoiding her group until she could ground herself. Maybe it would make her more suspicious, but she would rather have them suspect her than have to look Killua in the eyes and hope he won't kill her just to win.
They're sent off the boats person by person, in the order of who finished first. She was one of the last people off, though before the rest of her group, as she had been sent down before the rest of them. She fled from the boat, running as soon as she couldn't be seen by Killua. The rules of the game were simple--keeping your own badge was worth three points, out of the six you needed. Your target's badge was worth three points, or you could steal three different badges for one point each.
Could she just take three other badges? she couldn't attack her own group, Killua especially. She knew of those three brothers. They seemed to be good team players and stronger than her, but it's not as if she couldn't outwit them or depend on the plot for them to hopelessly fall into her lap--That's what usually gets her by, as a weak omega female. Daddy Plot Armor wouldn't be able to guarantee her any of the stronger characters in the forest, like that ninja, the pervert clown, or the pin head.
As she thinks about her choices, she finds herself in a clearing. After the dark, grim forests she had been through, the clearing was a delight to see. The canopy of trees ended, allowing for sun to shine down on the lush, green grass. She took a moment to look around at the scenery, when she spots someone across from her.
It's fucking Killua. Because of course it is.
She swoons a little on the inside at seeing him, but steels herself. She can't be crushing on this guy, even if he's a murderer, and we just saw him kill a guy, like, three hours ago!! He's just so sugoi kawaii desU!!!!
"Killua," she greets, her face red as a tomato. He nods back at her, and she squeals internally.
"Yo, Reader. Wanna stick together?"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE she squeals in her head. This is perfect! Disregard everything I just said about Reader avoiding and being afraid of Killua! She's gonna totally stick with him and trick a world class assassin WHO KILLED A MAN FASTER THAN SHE COULD BLINK into giving her his badge! Totally!
"I have your back," whispers Daddy Plot Armor in her ear.
Killua and her spend the next two days together, Reader working up the courage to steal his badge. They're in the burrow they had found under a large tree, large enough to fit the two of them with extra space in between. She turns on her side. Killua chest rises and falls slowly, showing he's asleep. Carefully, she crawls over to him, light enough not to make a sound. He had shown her wear his badge was a day prior, clipped onto his blue undershirt. Carefully, she lifts up his white shirt and searches for his badge without touching his skin. She hopes to Daddy Plot Armor that he's a heavy sleeper. (Even though he's a literal assassin and you grew up hearing rumors about how ruthless and powerful they all are?? And he told you about how he's the literal heir to the name????)
Something grabs her wrist.
She had been focused on his blue shirt, looking for the badge in this pitch black light that she hadn't heard Killua raise his head. Only when she felt him squeeze her wrist, though not enough to actually do any damage, did she look up at him. She can see the reflection of his blue eyes in the dark.
"What are you doing?" he asks casually, as if he already knows. His voice is clear and sturdy, not clogged by sleep. Her silly little kokoro pounds in her chest.
"Were you ever asleep?" She whispers.
"Answer my question first." His grip tightens.
"I..." she stammers, unsure what to do. "I have you as my target. I was going to take your badge."
Killua is silent for a moment; then he sits up, and lets go of her wrist. "Fight me for it."
"What??"
"You heard me, fight me for it." He turns to the hole in the ground, crawling out of it into the clearing, clearly expecting her to follow. She hesitates for a moment, but decides to follow--not like she has a choice. As she exits, a voice whispers in her ear.
"It was for the plot," says Daddy Plot Armor, and then he disappears into the Void.
Killua stands in the clearing, hands in his pockets, waiting for her. He looks too calm for this. She readies herself across from him, not quite sure what to do. Killua shifts in position, ready for a fight. He lunges her for suddenly, and she kicks, oh this is gonna be so cool-!!!!!
Yeah no she loses immediately. I mean we saw that coming, but we also like watching Reader eat dirt.
Anyway so she loses and Killua insults her for being weak, but also congratulates her on trying or something and agrees to help her get three badges.
"Did you know?" Reader asks as Killua takes her to the stream nearby, gently rubbing the dirt off her face and hands with a ripped piece of his blue shirt. He insisted on helping her clean up.
He chuckles, and she feels that she sees the real Killua for a second. The boy behind his cool guy appearance, behind the label of an assassin or the lead male love interest. Just Killua. "Of course I knew!" he teases. "You were so obvious! You literally avoided me the entire boat ride, refused to talk to me while we waited, and then you've been freaking out ever since we teamed up! At first, on the boat, I just assumed you had pulled one of us, but when we met in the clearing I knew it was me."
Reader giggles, and she feels like herself. Not an insert or a Mary-Sue, but a character in her own right. "Pfft, you're an assassin, I was worried! And what are the chances that we would meet in a clearing?"
Killua rubs the fabric into her dirty cheek, careful not to irritate the scratch she had gotten when he kicked her to the ground. "Nah, I sought you out. If you had gotten Kura... what's his name?"
"Kurapika," Reader deadpans.
"Yeah, the blond one--if you had gotten him or that Lays... Oreos... guy, then I was just gonna help you beat them. If it was Green-Bean, I planned on helping you get three other badges. I didn't expect it to be me, so I just winged it and wanted to see what you would do. If it was anyone else, I probably would've left you to your own devices, unless it was that clown guy." He hesitates for a moment, looking away from her as he wrings out the cloth and washes it in the water. "I'm glad it was me, though. It's nice hanging out with you."
Reader blushes, a real blush this time. Her face is a dusty pink, barely visible in the moonlight. "Oh, I..." she takes a small breath. "I really enjoy hanging out with you, too. An-And we still will, by the way! Unless you want to split off here?"
Killua shakes his head, still looking away from her. She can see the etchings of a smile in his cheeks, however. "No," he says. "I don't wanna split up. I'm going to finally find my target tomorrow, and I'll help you get three badges then, too. And then we can just, like... hang out. And stuff."
Reader thinks she sees his face turn red for a moment, Killua's head swiveling away from her until all she sees is his bushy white hair. "Whatever, your face is clean now-let's go back to the hideout."
She smiles. "Yeah. Let's."
----
The rest of their time on the island is spent smoothly. Killua gets his target, one of those three brothers. He lets her defeat the last two, praising her for her agility. They defeat another one of the examinees that same day at sunset, and spend their last four days together just playing around the island and watching the other examinees hunt their targets. Reader witnesses a few more deaths, a thing much more common than she ever realized. She notices how casually Killua treats it-death and violence. He seems so keenly aware of how his upbringing has affected him as a person. How he purposefully didn't crush her hand when she tried to steal his badge. And yet, at that same time, he's so oblivious to how awful it all is.
They walk to the boat on the final day together, much closer than they had been when they first came here. They find Green-Bean, LayOreo, and Kurapika there and reunite with their group. Together, they all leave on the boat to the Final Selection. Reader's heart beats in her chest, clawing through her ribcage. She's made it this far already, one last challenge can't take her down now.
Or can it?
and we'll find that out... IN THE NEXT EPISODEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! WOO, CLIFFHANGERS, BABY!
Sorry to anyone who had to read this, and thanks for sticking the whole way through :) This was a little gift I made for my girlfriend for her birthday, based on the first story we wrote together <3
we both like crackfics and I wanted to try my hand on one with a more personal twist. I hope you liked it, happy birthday, Nana <33333333