Chapter Text
“Ellie, make sure to leave the door open.”
Joel had said it to her in a hushed tone; Jesse’s steps didn’t falter as he clamored up the stairs.
Ellie stopped on the bottom step and turned to face him. Joel looked uncomfortable, fiddling with his collar.
She found it incredibly amusing. Ellie chortled, “What? Why?”
“Well, you know…” Joel trailed off.
“I don’t, actually,” said Ellie. Dina and Jesse had been over to their house countless times and Joel never had any issues. He would always offer to cook them dinner and made sure to give them their space when they went into Ellie’s room.
But in the last month, Dina had been distancing herself from their group. Ellie suspected it had something to do with the pretty, popular Alice asking her to hang out on the weekends. The three of them were never “cool,” particularly because of Jesse and Ellie’s obsession with comics and their refusal to start partying like their peers did. Ellie had tried all of that in the QZ; she felt old and weathered when Dina asked if she’d go with her to a party. Alcohol just reminded her of a grim, hopeless past. It was the only thing people had in the QZ to feel any respite from the nightmare they were living in.
And Joel told Ellie the story of his ex-wife’s losing fight with alcoholism. He’d given her an ultimatum: him and Sarah, or the bottle. She chose the bottle and he never saw her again.
Being able to hang out with her friends, in her own room, in the safety of Jackson, was her perfect idea of fun, at least for the distant future.
Dina, of course, didn’t see it that way. Ellie could hardly blame her. Dina didn’t have the dog-eat-dog upbringing of the QZ; she instead had the harmonious community of Jackson to instill her with useful, stifling values of “community building” and “being your best self.” Ellie had already had her rebellious phase with Riley, though that didn’t end well. She knew the urge to break the rules, but wasn’t willing to indulge Dina. Just when Ellie was finding the time to start being a kid, everyone in her class wanted to grow up.
Dina tried at first to include the two of them in any invitations she’d get to a party, but when Jesse and Ellie stuck to each other like glue at the first party, wallflowers engaging only with each other and pointedly avoiding the refreshments table, the invitations stopped coming. Dina reassured them that they didn’t have to go to the parties if they didn’t want to. Both were relieved, and assumed their dynamic would go back to the way it was. That was true for school hours, but on the weekends Dina was almost impossible to reach on account of her “calendar being completely booked.”
So their group was now down to just Jesse and herself.
Joel put his hand on the bridge of his nose. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it, but she wanted to know his answer. In the nearly two years they’d lived in Jackson, Joel was always the accommodating guardian. He wanted her to feel safe and happy and loved. He hardly made demands of her, only that she go to school and help out around the house when she could. It didn’t take much prompting— she was a busybody at heart. Joel suddenly giving her rules to follow out of nowhere was unlike him. She couldn’t make sense of it.
He gestured for her to go into the study, out of the earshot of Jesse.
“Jesse, I’ll be there in a sec!” Ellie called to him. She heard a muffled grunt in reply; the traitor had probably started in on the chocolate bars they’d smuggled out of the mess hall.
Joel was shifting awkwardly. The sight of him so out of sorts would be funny if she wasn’t so confused. “Look, kid, I just want you to leave the door open when Jesse’s here, is that too much to ask?”
“Well, no , but it is when he’s been over here a million times and you’ve never asked me to do it before,” Ellie replied.
“Ellie,” he huffed, clearly frustrated. She couldn’t figure out why. Joel liked Jesse. A man of few words, Joel had called him a “nice kid” on two occasions: after Jesse helped her fight off some bullies picking on some elementary schoolers, and after he wrote her a card on Valentine’s Day, out of fear she’d be the only one in their class not to get anything. “Kiddo… I was a sixteen year old boy once…”
He fumbled with his words. It gave Ellie just enough time to realize, with utter horror, what he was getting at.
“Joel, what the fuck?!” she whisper-shouted. She had not seen that coming. It was…it was so off base, she couldn’t even believe it was happening.
“Ellie, darlin’, I know you’re not that kind of kid—“
“You’re damn right I’m not!”
“But I remember how these things go. I know you’re a good kid. I trust you. I just don’t trust him ,” he pointed upstairs.
“Not that you’re even remotely close to being on base here, but I thought you liked Jesse?” Ellie pushed.
“Just ‘cause I like him don’t mean I feel comfortable with you two in your bedroom, alone, with the door closed,” Joel said. “Boys at that age are doing their thinkin’ with one thing only, and it ain’t with their brain—“
“Jesus fuck, Joel, do not finish that thought,” Ellie interrupted with disgust.
“You think I want to be talking about this?” He grimaced and threw up his hands in frustration. “Just… let your old man sleep peacefully and leave the door open, please,” he pleaded.
Ellie sighed, giving up the fight. She’d never, ever, think of Jesse that way, but she didn’t know how to relay that information without entering an even more painfully awkward and volatile conversation. She merely said, “Fine,” and ran up the stairs.
When she got to her doorway, she saw Jesse sitting on her bed with chocolate coated fingers shoving candy into his chocolate crusted mouth. The image was the least erotic thing she’d ever seen; she couldn’t help bursting into a fit of laughter.
Walking into the room, leaving the door open, she said, “You will not believe what Joel just asked me.”
—
Ellie never considered the possibility of coming out to Joel.
First of all, the thought of admitting the humiliating fact of liking another person to Joel made her want to crawl out of her skin. She could hear the teasing now; the endless jabs and jokes whenever her crush was around. Jackson was not that big— she’d never hear the end of it.
Second, she’d heard enough slurs leveled at her, Riley, and any other unfortunate target at FEDRA school to know her… disposition was not acceptable to most. She, of course, roughed up the girls who tried to insult her, landing herself in The Hole in the process. But still, their cruel words lingered, mocking her, reminding her that she would never truly fit in with her peers. She’d been lucky to have Riley, even though the moment they shared was brief; it was a relief to know her feelings were mutual. It gave her hope that somewhere out there, there was someone else she could meet and connect with that way again.
But now she had Joel and she had Jackson. Joel meant everything to her. They understood each other on an almost primal level. His inability to suss out her sexuality was grimly funny to her, considering how well he knew her in every other aspect of her life. But Joel was from Texas, part of the American South, where, as Bethany delicately put it, “They’d hang a dyke like you from your toes if you stepped one foot there.”
Joel would never say anything so crass, he was a polite Southern boy at heart, but she couldn’t help but feel a pang of dread any time she imagined what Joel thought of people like her.
The angel on Ellie’s shoulder, from time to time, reminded her of Bill and Frank. Joel had worked closely with them, had even trusted them to take her before he discovered their fate. But the devil would quickly rebut that they were his business partners, nothing more. Joel was apathetic to anyone that was not his own; she imagined his need for supplies in the apocalypse trumped any personal qualms about what they did in their private time.
A business relationship was one thing, a lesbian living under Joel’s roof was quite another.
In their first weeks in Jackson, Ellie did not worry about the issue of her sexuality at all. She was so relieved at having a safe place to rest her head, with food on the table. She had a space for her and Joel to live a normal life. Joel explained to her that Jackson was how Before used to be, with the minor caveat that the communism was unique. In that moment, Ellie could not have cared less about what Joel thought. She was at peace knowing they were safe and that they were safe together.
But then Ellie started spending much more time with Dina. At first, she couldn’t believe a girl like Dina would stoop so low as to speak to her. She was used to the FEDRA school hierarchy that the prettiest, meanest girls ruled with an iron fist. They hardly looked her way, but when they did, it was to spew uniquely cruel and personal insults at her. Dina, at first glance, looked exactly like one of these girls.
Not yet housebroken, Ellie’s insecurities and trust issues made her completely unapproachable. Dina tried and was met with one of those personal and cruel insults. Ellie was trying to set a new tone in Jackson early: don’t fuck with me . Tommy had to, gently, explain that Jackson’s school was not FEDRA school; Ellie did not need to destroy each child’s self-worth to be left alone. Tommy instead told her that she should be the kind girl he knows she is (“you catch more flies with honey, sweet pea”) and the friends would come.
Ellie felt a bit guilty, realizing she destroyed her chances at friendship before she even really had them. She sat alone outside at lunch, under the large elm tree, reading her comics.
But, to her surprise, Dina came back. And came back again. And again. And then brought Jesse.
Dina’s ability to befriend anyone, to always see the best in people, was bewildering to Ellie. But the bewilderment turned to curious acceptance, and then to utter charm. It took Ellie a year to realize that she was well and truly fucked.
Ellie was now always nervous around Dina, suddenly caring about the way she dressed and the way her hair fell. It was torture. Even when she liked Riley, resources and time were so scarce, she gave up on trying and prayed Riley would accept her for who she was (lucky break).
Every boy in their year had a crush on Dina, Jesse excluded (in his words, “Dina is just so… Dina”). Ellie knew she was kidding herself even daring to think about her and Dina together; Dina was the girliest girl that ever girled. No way was she a… no way was she like Ellie in that way.
Dina pulling away from Ellie and Jesse was both agonizing and a relief. Ellie loved Dina, that much was sure. Being without her felt like having her heart cut out of her chest with no anesthetic. It hurt even more to feel so disposable. Ellie always thought Dina was above the petty high school caste system.
But at least she could relax a little again. There was less pressure and tension when she was with Jesse. She never told him about her dilemma, though she suspected he knew, and they went about their lives as normal.
Her crush on Dina brought her worries about Joel front of mind. Then his… just horrible, and painfully clueless, request to have her open the door when Jesse was there… she was anxious about it, to say the least.
She knew how much Joel loved her, that he saw her almost as a daughter. He’d expect, hope, as any good father would, that one day she’d settle down with a nice man, have a family… the rest of the normal things Sarah surely would have done. She’d never fulfill this hope he harbored, felt sick knowing it, and felt even sicker hiding it from him.
She wasn’t dealing with it and it haunted her subconscious. In her nightmares was a phantom Joel, a Joel she didn’t know anymore. This Joel was mean, biting, sneering at her for her disgusting abnormality. He’d find her out in some horrifically embarrassing way, in a way she wouldn’t expect. He’d tell her he couldn’t have a— a—… living in his house, let alone as a daughter. He’d laugh at her pleading cries to forgive her, that she’d try to fight her feelings so she could keep him. The front door would slam in her face, leaving her standing in a cold, barren wasteland.
Ellie would wake from these nightmares with a sob, hands trembling, back sweating. Joel would come scrambling into the room, holding her head in both hands, asking her what was wrong, was it about Silver Lake again? Swallowing her guilt, she’d merely nod at him and selfishly revel in the embrace he pulled her into.
So, Ellie had never considered the possibility of coming out to Joel. Until she met Cat.
—
Ellie had been in the art room, working on her latest painting after the school day had ended. She’d built up rapport with her teacher, Ms. Wilson, who let her stay later than the rest of the students to use the art supplies. She would still sketch and paint at home, but those were her frivolous, spontaneous drawings. She liked the solitude she found after school, it helped her focus. She really wanted this painting to be good. More importantly, she didn’t want Joel to see it.
It was a darker piece, the darkest she’d ever done. She painted herself curled up on a shoreline, sleeping. Vultures swarm her as a wave crests in the ocean, the seas rough in overcast weather.
She figured it would worry him. And for good reason, she was a bit worried herself. The walls were starting to close in on her, losing Dina and lying to Joel. She had to let it out somehow.
“Say Yes” blasted through the headphones on her Walkman. Tommy found the cassette on patrol two weeks ago and gave it to her; she’d replayed it countless times since, still not sick of it. He had pleaded with her, “For the love of God, don’t tell Joel I gave you an Elliott Smith tape. It’s not the manliest music—the gibes about me being ‘Grunge’ would never stop.”
Ellie thought she heard something, but upon looking up in front of her, she saw nothing. She moved to paint again, until she felt a hand grab her shoulder.
In a swift movement, she broke her brush in half and turned to face her attacker, pushing them to the wall and pressing the jagged tip to their throat.
Knowing she had the upper hand, her eyes came into focus again. She wasn’t being attacked. She was instead faced with the shocked face of Cat Hyun.
Ellie could hardly contain her horror, when still having her pinned, Cat said, “I was just saying I liked your painting. Seems like your mind was elsewhere.” She gestured with her head to the sharp brush still sitting at her throat.
Ellie flushed and immediately scrambled back, throwing the brush aside and grasping the table with white knuckles. “Holy fuck, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that.”
Cat just readjusted her jacket, and chuckled, “It’s all good. Shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.”
Ellie couldn’t even look at her. Why the fuck was Cat smiling, had she lost her mind? Ellie just pressed her finger and thumb to the bridge of her nose and sighed, “Fuck.”
“Ellie, I mean it,” Cat said, “I don’t mind.” A long pause. “I liked it.”
Ellie immediately dropped her hand from her face and looked at Cat in shock and a humiliating amount of hope. “W-what?”
Cat just laughed at Ellie’s discomfort, “You heard me.”
Cat Hyun was the coolest girl Ellie had ever met. She was a year older, a seasoned patroller. Cat was friends with the older kids in Jackson, the ones that would probably have been in university if not for the end of the world. Cat was friendly, but quiet. She carried herself above the petty drama involving the kids still in school. She never seemed to belong there.
With her tattoo sleeve, jagged bangs, and permanently black attire, Ellie was mildly obsessed. She watched Cat from afar, always wondering what she could say or do to get the girl to notice her, to think she was cool. She never dared to try, knowing Cat would see through any pathetic attempts to woo her into a friendship (or something more, as Ellie fantasized about in great lengths before she’d go to sleep at night). Ellie, of course, longed for Dina more than she could ever imagine longing for someone before, even Riley, but she wasn’t stupid enough to think Dina would ever go for her. Cat was a blank slate she could push any and all desire onto.
In all of her fantasies, her half-hearted plotting of their true meeting (beyond their polite waves and nods around Jackson), not a single one involved Ellie pinning Cat to a wall with a blade to her throat. Let alone Cat liking it.
Ellie’s heart was pumping so fast, she was almost sure Cat could hear it. Was Cat… no way. Ellie didn’t know anyone in Jackson like her, at least not that she was aware of. Jackson was an accepting community, but from what Ellie’d gathered, being gay was not a normal thing Before, so if there was anyone who felt that way, they kept it to themselves.
It was too divine for her to even consider. Ellie couldn’t dare get her hopes up about Cat. It would all become too real. If she went for it and she had it all wrong, then she’d have to find a new person to project her fantasies onto, which seemed like a lot of effort.
Cat broke the silence of the pause, “I liked it because… it was badass. No one in this school would ever have the balls to do that.”
“Not sure that’s a great reflection on me.”
Cat studied Ellie for a moment. Her kind smile was replaced with a conspiratorial one. “You know what… why don’t you make it up to me.”
“Yes,” said Ellie, a bit breathless, “yes, anything.”
Cat’s grin widened, “Come with me to Randy’s house tomorrow night. His Dad's gonna be on patrol, he’s throwing a big party.”
Ellie’s stomach leaped at the invitation. Going to a party, with Cat, at Randy Lewis’s house? His house was in a remote part of town. He’d “graduated” from Jackson’s school a year ago, and always threw parties for the young adults. Cat, of course, was always invited. Ellie, of course, never was. She’d only been to the sad, sloppy high school “parties” with twelve of her peers taking swigs from the communal whiskey bottle they’d swiped from some parent’s liquor cabinet. “I don’t think they’re gonna want a high schooler around,” Ellie protested sheepishly.
“Randy and his friends are going to want you around, because I want you around,” Cat rebutted, with a hint of finality.
“Okay,” Ellie smiled. “I’ll be there.”
Cat smiled back, and moved towards the door, brushing Ellie’s arm in the process. “Can’t wait.”
—
Ellie and Joel sat on the couch watching a movie after they’d gotten back from the mess hall; Friday nights were always their movie nights. They were watching a movie Joel found on patrol about some football player who died too soon and was sent back to earth in a rich man’s body.
Ellie’s mind was occupied, hardly following the plot of the movie. She didn’t know how to ask him to go out tomorrow night. Normally he’d have no trouble with her going to Dina or Jesse’s house (Maria had sternly ordered the two of them, upon their arrival back to Jackson two years ago, to deal with their codependency immediately), but this was Randy Lewis. Joel’s name for Randy was “that no good boy” after Randy’d organized for kids in his class to TP houses on Halloween last year while the rest of the town was at the dance hall. Joel tolerated Randy’s dad on patrols, but Ellie got the sense he wasn’t so fond of the man who raised Randy. Getting him to let her go would be borderline impossible.
“You know, that guy was considered one of the most handsome men in the world in the 70s,” said Joel, gesturing at the screen.
“Hmph,” said Ellie absentmindedly.
Joel turned to her, “What, not impressed by Warren Beatty?”
Ellie rolled her eyes, “As a matter of fact, I’m not, old man.”
Joel looked at her oddly, “Huh. Thought everyone liked him. Even Sarah told me she wanted to marry him after we watched this.”
Ellie merely frowned. She really didn’t want to be talking about this.
After a beat, Joel’s sixth sense kicked in, “Look, kid, I’m just twistin’ your arm, I don’t care if you don’t like Warren Beatt—“
“—can I go to Randy Lewis’s house tomorrow night?” Ellie interrupted in a rush. She figured it’d be best to catch Joel when he was feeling apologetic.
There was a long silence. Joel paused the screen and stared at the frozen picture, processing the unexpected question. Finally, he spoke in a calm voice, “What on earth would make you want to go there?”
“Uhm…” Ellie started. She couldn’t very well say the girl I’ve obsessed over for two years liked it when I pushed her against a wall and wants me to go hang out with the older kids is it a date I’m just not sure but God it’ll kill me if I don’t find out. “Feeling social?”
Joel wasn’t amused, “Try again.”
Ellie groaned and pulled her knees to her chest, burying her head in between them, “My new friend Cat invited me.”
“Friend” was good, Joel would buy that.
“The 90s alternative girl with the tattoos?” Joel said, scrunching his nose up.
“I don’t know what half of those words mean, but yes, her,” said Ellie.
Joel just sighed, “will there be drinking at Randy’s house?”
Ellie hesitated, and Joel said sternly, “Ellie.”
“Okay, okay, yes, there will probably be drinking,” Ellie admitted, lifting her head to look at him. Joel opened his mouth to say something, but she continued, “But do you really have such little faith in me? Look at me, look at what I do on the weekends. I’m a regular teetotaler.”
Joel smiled at her remembrance of the word he taught her. “Yes, darlin’, I know you are.” He sat and thought to himself for a moment, “And I know it’s probably time you were growin’ up, being the stupid kid we all were at 16. You haven’t had a drink before, though, have you?”
Joel opened his mouth, presumably to give her all of his tips for a first-time drinker, until he saw the sheepish look on her face. He looked confused, “I’ve never seen you drink before.”
She grimaced, “Yes, you haven’t. I haven’t since I met you.”
The horror was growing on his face, “I met you when you were fourteen.”
“FEDRA school, man. There really wasn’t much else to do for fun.” She feigned wistfulness, “We were so young then.”
Joel sighed, “Ellie, don’t start.”
She slapped his shoulder happily, “Look, you should be happy I had my wild phase at thirteen. Much less work for you!”
He just glared at her, finding this tidbit of information about her past unamusing.
She got serious again, “But please, can I go? I can’t just be friends with Dina and Jesse forever, you’re always telling me to make new friends.”
“Yes, but I didn’t think that friend would be Randy Lewis,” he grumbled testily. Sighing, he continued, “But you’re right, I can’t stop you from exploring forever. Just don’t be stupid. And don’t get sloppy. That’s the easiest way to get taken advantage of.”
She smiled at his permission. “Don’t worry, man, I haven’t been sloppy since I was twelve.”
He frowned at her teasing and pressed play on the movie, throwing an arm over her shoulder and pulling her close. “My little drunkard.”
—
Ellie did, in fact, get sloppy drunk.
The night hadn’t started out that way. In fact, she hadn’t intended to drink at all. She wanted to make good on her promise to Joel, on her promise to herself.
She woke up that Saturday morning earlier than usual. Where she’d normally stop by Tommy’s for lunch to visit Leo (who could now successfully say “sheep,” “my shoe,” and “I pooped” with grace and intelligence), she instead paced around her room all morning and afternoon, searching for the perfect outfit.
There wasn’t much perfection to be had. Ellie only started caring about her appearance about two months ago, and resources with scarce, truth be told. Maria had handed Ellie down some of her old clothes that didn’t fit her anymore. Ellie had initially brushed the clothes off as being too girly, too tight, but she now gave them a second glance. She saw some black low rise jeans, which was a strong contender.
The shirts were where she racked her brain, wanting to pull her hair out. None of them were her. They were sequined, bright, and, frankly, ugly. She imagined Before girls would have gone crazy for them, but she, nor Cat, was one of those girls. Cat always wore black, or red, or maroon. She wouldn’t be caught dead wearing any chipper color on the rainbow.
Ellie started to get clammy and frustrated. She didn’t want to look like a dorky try-hard, but that’s what it was shaping up to be. She balled up a turquoise cut out shirt, and hurled it at the pile of clothes on her bed in anger. It ricocheted off to reveal one black shirt. It was just a tank top, but of slightly nicer material. She tried it on, and it was perfect. It was her.
Regaining her confidence, she threw on the jeans and her flannel to confirm that it worked. It did. She looked like herself, just… improved. Groomed.
Joel happened to walk by as she admired herself in the mirror. He leaned against the doorframe and smiled, “You look cute, kiddo.”
Ellie, embarrassed at being caught doing such a vulnerable thing, merely pushed him out of the room. “Joel, get out!”
He looked a little wounded. She felt bad, but not that bad. She was acting like this was some date or something. If he caught onto that, it’d all be over.
She ate dinner in record time—three minutes and fifty-five seconds—as Joel reproached her to slow down. “Randy’s house ain’t goin’ anywhere.”
“Well, I am, bye!” she shouted to him as she rinsed off her dishes and moved to run out the door.
She faintly heard him say, “make good choices!” before the door slammed behind her.
Joel never gave her a curfew, never needed to, really. She hoped running out of the house as fast as possible would give her plausible deniability if he was mad tomorrow. Couldn’t break a rule that didn’t exist yet.
But she was a bit overzealous in the time management department. She said she’d meet Cat at her house at 8:00, and it was 7:27. This was problematic, since following the correct route would take her there in 6 minutes. The night was cool, being early spring she could comfortably walk around without catching a chill.
Ellie walked aimlessly in the wrong direction of Cat’s, imagining 1001 ways to greet her when she saw her, and practicing each option quietly under her breath. “Hey” was the front runner, with “What’s up?” being a close second.
“I personally like ‘Howdy’ best,” said a voice behind her.
“Fuck!” Ellie exclaimed in shock. She turned around to see the amused face of Tommy looking at her. She turned beet red. “How much of that did you hear?”
“Just enough to tell you that you definitely shouldn’t say ‘Yo,’” he teased.
“Fuck,” Ellie repeated under her breath, embarrassed.
“Either way, you look mighty purdy, Ellie,” he said. “I knew it had to be something good if you didn’t even see your beloved Leo today.”
She felt the slightest bit of guilt at that. “Did he miss me?”
Tommy laughed out loud, “Are you kidding me? All I heard this afternoon was ‘Ewwie, Ewwie, Ewwie.’ Would have been annoying if it wasn’t so darn cute.”
“Well, I missed him too,” she said fondly. “I’ll come by to see him tomorrow.”
“You sure you’ll be feelin’ up to it after the rager at Randy Lewis’s house?”
Ellie groaned, “Ugh, first of all, don’t say rager. And second of all, Joel told you?”
“Of course he told me! His little chick’s finally leaving the nest—you got him all bent out of shape, little lady.”
“Well, he shouldn’t be too worried. I’m not going to drink that much.”
Tommy eyed her, amused and skeptical. “Yeah, sure, we all say that. But just in case, can I give you some Cool Uncle Tommy Advice?”
Ellie reluctantly nodded her head.
“A chaser will be your best friend.”
Ellie wanted to pretend to know what that was so bad, but it was plain on her face that she didn’t understand.
Tommy chuckled, “It just makes the liquor go down easier. Maybe a little too easy, so be careful. It’s just juice or soda. Anything besides liquor will work.”
She nodded, and he continued, “And second, a glass of water and a peanut butter sandwich before bed— you’ll be right as rain in the mornin’.”
She nodded along, as an enraptured student would, “Juice, water, peanut butter. Got it. Sounds easy enough.”
“For your sake, I hope it is. Those hangovers can be a bitch,” he said.
“Tell me about it,” she said immediately. He raised an eyebrow, but she deflected. “Well, thanks for this little chat, but I should get going.”
He tenderly clapped his hand on her shoulder, and walked off. Before he got too far, he shouted to her, “Hey, I forgot the last thing. Have fun!”
Ellie just groaned, a bit embarrassed at the passersby watching them. She just raised her hand in acknowledgment and headed to Cat’s.
—
Cat was surprisingly chatty. It was like being in an alternate universe—it was usually impossible for Ellie to not have something to say. She didn’t want to say something stupid, so she opted to let Cat talk and only nod politely, or say “oh, yes, definitely,” when a comment called for it.
Cat was catching Ellie up on all of the group dynamics— who was dating who, who was sleeping with who, who was bound to get out of control, and who she should try to talk to.
“I really want you to meet my best friend, Dan. I feel like you two would really get along,” Cat said. Ellie didn’t know much about Dan, but she figured that was what tonight was all about.
When they got to Randy’s house on the outskirts of town, Ellie could already hear the bass of music bumping. “He loves the speaker his dad traded their lawnmower for last Christmas,” Cat explained. “It was an incredibly impractical trade to make, but Randy’s very persuasive.”
When they reached the door, Cat put her hand on Ellie’s shoulder, stopping her from entering. “I forgot. Don’t drink Randy’s jungle juice.”
Whatever that means . “Okay, I won’t.”
“Sometimes supplies run low, and he puts grain alcohol in there. It can make you go blind.”
“Jesus, why the fuck would anyone drink that?” Ellie asked, baffled.
Cat shrugged, “All in pursuit of a good time, I guess. Don’t worry, I swiped some of my mom’s wine for us, so we can share that.”
Ellie nodded again and smiled distantly, thinking about Cat’s lips touching the bottle her own lips would be touching. God, get a grip!
Cat opened the door, and Ellie was met with a scene that felt straight out of a movie Joel would show her. Randy’s house wasn’t that big, and the young population of Jackson wasn’t either, so an optical illusion was created. The room looked packed, tight with bodies crammed into every corner. Randy had some string lights illuminating the room in a dark, moody undertone.
There was a song playing with the refrain “Just me and my bitch,” and Ellie looked over to an elated Cat, who threw her arm around Ellie’s shoulder to guide her further into the house.
Ellie was nervous, entirely out of her depth in such a normal, fun situation, but with Cat’s arm around her, she could die happy. She tried regulating her breathing and distracting herself from the feeling of Cat’s body pressed tightly to her side ( Huh I really like this song It’s so different from the folk stuff Joel usually plays I’ll have to ask Tommy tomorrow God why is every surface here moist I need to remember not to touch anything it’s so gross Wait is that— ).
In her deliberate stream of consciousness, she saw a figure that made her stomach drop.
She almost childishly wanted to scream No! You can’t be here! This was supposed to be my thing!
Even worse, she equally felt the urge to run up to her, hug her, tell her not to leave again. Let’s be friends again, best friends, how we used to be.
It was do or die. The girl she loved, the girl she’d find her head over a toilet bowl tonight at one in the morning over, was walking her way.
“Dina?”