Chapter Text
The first week of classes at Hogwarts brings Regulus back to where he always starts.
The view of the stars is lovely tonight.
The Astronomy Tower serves as a safe haven for Regulus. Where the distance is too tall for anyone to reach him and right in the path of the skyward wind. A light breeze runs its way through his hair, and his eyes close delicately. Almost like he’s made of porcelain.
Sixth year brings many challenges for Regulus Black.
Voices in the back of his head and in front of his face. His mother’s tongue rings constantly in his mind, reminding him of the dreadful future. He knows what’s coming next, he’s known for a while. Ever since Sirius left, the unfortunate truth has found a home on Regulus’ shoulders.
But, up here, he can almost ignore it.
The height and the air have the power to wipe away all worldly struggles from his mind, and on the good nights, Regulus feels something he thinks might be peace.
He can almost call it lovely.
So when he hears footsteps coming up the stairs, he quickly turns over his shoulder, wand out and at the ready.
“Who is it?” he bites out. The footsteps stop and he hears a gasped curse under the climber’s breath. “What do you want?”
“Regulus?” he hears the whisper of his name from the stairwell.
“ What? ” The comment is seething. He’s almost surprised that whoever decided to come up here tonight has the nerve to stay after being met with his tone of voice.
“Regulus, it’s me. It’s just James,” he sighs, climbing the rest of the stairs and emerging into the moonlight.
Regulus doesn’t lower his wand.
“Potter? What are you doing here?”
“Sorry,” James puts his hands up in fake surrender. “Just needed some air, is all. I’ll be out of your hair shortly.”
“I think you mean now.”
James rolls his eyes. But it’s not a sarcastic roll of the eyes, not this time. It’s a look Regulus has never seen on James before, which is saying quite a bit considering he’s constantly around his brother.
James looks exhausted.
Well shit.
Ignoring his demand, James walks up to the railing of the tower, overlooking the Hogwarts courtyard. Regulus watches him with pinned eyes, counting every move. He watches James lean over the rusted railing, putting his weight on his forearms. He watches his head fall forward, resting against fists that are clenched together. Regulus grits his teeth.
“You never answered me, Potter,” Regulus’ voice lacks the bite that it did moments ago. “What are you doing here? No one climbs up all those stairs because they ‘need some air.’” He hears James let out a chuckle, smile hidden by his hands.
“You do.”
Regulus clicks his tongue at the jab, smacking James’ shoulder in response. “I claimed it. It’s mine.”
“I’m pretty sure you can’t claim part of a building you didn’t even make, Reg.”
“It’s Regulus, genius.”
James lets out a shaky laugh, only slightly lifting his head from his hands to look at the ground below. It really was a long way down. One step meant what looked like an eternity of wind and air until met with the brutal end of earth. “Cut me some slack here, Regulus,” James huffs out and oh, he’s crying.
Regulus catches the glimmer of a teardrop resting on the boy’s cheekbone, and feels his breath hitch when James raises his face to the sky, the moonlight shining off of tears welling in his eyes.
He’s looking up at the stars and trying to blink it all away. He’s crying and Regulus doesn’t know what to do. Before he can get a word in, James squeezes his eyes shut, letting out a sigh. “I’m kinda freaking out, so sorry if I accidentally shorten your name. I think you’ll live.”
Gathering his bearings, Regulus swallows down his pride for two seconds and decides to try to be a good person. “I’m not sure I will,” he sarcastically says back, watching a hint of a smile on James’ face. To the lack of response, he continues, leaning his back against the railing. “Where’s Sirius?”
“Probably asleep, I doubt he even heard me leave. Sleeps harder than a rock, that one.”
“And you couldn’t wake him up to help you with your beginning-of-year crisis?”
James’ eyes haven’t left the sky since they started talking, seemingly trained on one spot. If he moves them, James is afraid he won’t be able to hold back the tears that almost spilled over just moments prior. He doesn’t reply. Regulus presses further.
“What happened?”
A smirk plays across the Gryffindor's face. “You sure you can handle listening to me talk that long, Black?”
“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t sure, Potter . Unfortunately, I think I’ll survive, so lay it on me.”
Regulus watches as James gathers his thoughts. His eyes shut for a moment as he inhales, holding his breath before exhaling and training his eyes back on that same point in the sky, wherever that is. And then he says something that Regulus Black didn’t expect to hear from James Potter.
“I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore, it just feels like everything.”
“Everything is a pretty broad term, James. You’ve got to be able to narrow it down to something .”
“That’s the thing , Regulus. I don’t know,” James flinches, squeezing his eyes shut again and lowering his head to his hands. “There are just a lot of things at once and it just feels like everything , I feel like I can’t breathe under it all and I just got here. I didn’t think my first week of seventh year was going to be anything like this!” Regulus watches as James’ chest starts rising and falling rapidly, breathing speed increasing with each moment.
“Hey,” Regulus reaches forward, placing an open palm on James’ back, leaning closer to the man. He weaves his other hand through James’ arms, placing it on his chest.
Yes, Regulus is touching James Potter like this. Yes, he is hyper-aware of every thread of fabric blocking the palms of his hands from James’ torso.
“You’re freaking out on me, James. Deep breaths, come on. In and out.” Regulus breathes with James, keeping pressure on his chest and back until the man can pull himself up off of the railing and back on his own weight. When he stands up, Regulus lets his hands fall back to his sides.
“Sorry,” James starts. “I don’t know where that came from, I-”
“Sit down,” the younger interrupts. He doesn’t wait for James to reply, instead lowering himself to the floor and leaning his back to the gated railing, looking up at James expectantly.
“What?”
“Sit down, James. You’re clearly distraught and need to sort out whatever it is you have going on. I like to think that I have some experience in sorting out a life that’s falling apart.”
“What are you, a therapist?”
“No, I’m a Black. Now sit down and talk to me.”
When James is finally seated, Regulus continues. “Start at the beginning. You got off of the train, what was the first roll in the snowball of ‘everything?’”
James traces patterns in the dust on the floor, following the cracks in the tile and brick. “I guess it started with Mary and Lily.”
“What about them?”
“Well, they kinda had a fight. It’s really not my place to say, but some people are anticipating that they might end it soon, or at least take a break.”
“Okay,” Regulus presses. “And this is relevant to you because…?”
James rolls his eyes, lying back on the floor. “Merlin, I forget you don’t know every ounce of my social life.”
“Can’t say I’ve ever felt the desire to know anyway. So why is it a problem?”
He lets out a sigh, staring at the ceiling. “Throughout my first three or four years at Hogwarts, I had the biggest crush on her - Lily, I mean. I was truly insufferable about it, honestly, I’m surprised no one found out sooner. Of course Sirius and the rest of them knew, but that’s because I told them. Lily eventually found out about it at the end of fourth year, but told me to piss off and find someone else to idolize.”
“Really?!” Regulus laughs, despite himself. He sees a smile flash across James’ face, so he assumes no harm is done in the act. “I can’t believe she would say that! Good on her.”
“Oh, it doesn’t surprise me one bit that she did. Firecracker, that one is. And I deserved it for how head over heels I was for her. But I backed off after that, of course, because she told me to. The next year she started getting closer with Mary, and the rest is history. I got over it, they got together, and that’s just the way things were.”
“Except?”
“Except!” James waves his hands in the air in exasperation. “Now that there’s a slimmer of a chance that they might not last, a bunch of the guys won’t shut up about how I’m getting a second shot! It’s dreadful. I spent that whole summer getting over her. I got past it all, got close to Mary, closer to Lily as a friend, closer to myself, and now I feel like I’m being tossed back into that stupid fourth year body where the most interesting thing about me was my feelings for another girl in my year.”
“James, you know you’re more than that.”
“Then why can’t people shut up about Lily?! I’m tired of hearing it and, quite frankly, I love Mary. I can’t understand how people can be rooting for either of them to receive a broken heart just for me to have the ending they think I want.”
Regulus is still leaning back on the railing, eyes closed but listening with intent. “You aren’t responsible for how other people view you, James. You never can be. People like to twist everything into a good story - into what they want to hear. This whole thing with you and Lily and Mary seems like people trying to grasp at drama that doesn’t exist. If an ending with Lily isn’t what you want, then all you have to do is make it known.”
James pauses, looking at Regulus, who still has his eyes closed. “And if it is what I want?”
Regulus swallows. “Is it?”
James’ head hits back against the tile. “I don’t know! I have no idea what I want! That’s a whole other problem!”
“What is?”
“The future!”
“You’ll have to be more specific, James.”
He sighs. “You’re insufferable, did you know that?”
“You’re still here talking to me,” Regulus points out.
After a minute of silence, James speaks back up. “I just don’t know what to do after Hogwarts. Everyone thinks I’m going to do great things, and I don’t know what I can even do to live up to their expectations.”
“ That’s what you’re worried about?”
“Well, yeah!”
“James, you don’t owe anyone your future except yourself.”
“But what if it’s not enough?”
“If it makes you happy, then it’s more than enough.”
“People are expecting so much though. My professors, my friends, even my parents! I love them to pieces but I feel like my head is falling apart trying to grasp all the strings together. I don’t know what they want from me - what anyone wants from me.”
“It doesn’t matter what anyone else wants from you, all that matters is what you want for yourself.”
“But-”
“No, James. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk about this over and over and convince you to take a path you don’t want. It’s okay to not know what you want. The entire world might be yelling at you to make a choice, but at the end of the day, none of that matters. Ask yourself what you really enjoy here, and then use that as a guideline. And if it ends up not working, you pick yourself up and try again. There are never too many tries to find a dream.”
James sits on that for a bit, pondering over the words. Regulus doesn’t expect a reply, so he’s shocked at the next words James speaks out to him.
“What’s your dream?”
Regulus smiles. “I don’t know, I wouldn’t say I’ve found it yet. I like to think in another life I’d be a writer. Something literary.”
“How can you be a year below me and already know that?”
“I never said I knew for sure, only what I think.”
The pauses between conversations get longer. James is still laying on the floor.
“You’re really smart, Regulus.”
“I would certainly hope so.”
James laughs at that, sitting up with a more content look on his face than he came up the tower with, and rises to his feet. He looks at Regulus with a questioning eye. “You staying? It’s really late.”
“Just for a while longer,” Regulus offers a small smile back. “You head down to bed, can’t have anyone getting suspicious of your whereabouts.”
James is still smiling, looking down at Regulus, who’s still sitting against the railing, back to the sky. The Gryffindor turns away, heading to the stairs, looking back once more. “Thank you, Regulus.”
What he gets back is a teasing roll of the eyes. “Don’t ever intrude on my tower again.”
James laughs on his way down the stairs to that, and Regulus can only assume that means his request will go ignored.
*
It does.
It takes all of two days before James comes climbing up the stairs of the Astronomy Tower again, accompanied by an invisibility cloak and the view of an endless sky above him.
“What did I just say a few days ago, Potter?” Regulus rolls his eyes from the railing, eyes pinned to the horizon.
“Mm, not quite sure, why don’t you tell me again, since I’m already here?” he quirks an eyebrow up, discarding his cloak to the side and joining the Slytherin in the alcove.
“No use now,” he says with fake indifference. There’s a small smile gracing his face, featherlight, but he’s sure James is aware of it nonetheless. “What seems to have bothered you to the point of intruding on my space yet again in the same week?”
“Nothing but the thought of your lovely company,” James knocks his shoulder against Regulus’.
“You’re absolutely full of it.”
“And you haven’t forced me out just yet,” James points out.
“Last time you were up here you almost had a panic attack, I wasn’t going to kick you out.”
“That’s the only reason? You don’t happen to, I don’t know,” a sarcastic and suggestive tone comes out of the Gryffindor’s mouth next, “enjoy my company too?” Regulus looks over to see James wiggling his eyebrows in a most unattractive manner.
The two stare at each other for a moment, Regulus only providing an incredulous look to James. It takes about five seconds before they both burst into laughter. Or, more accurately, James bursting into laughter and Regulus letting out a light chuckle, shaking his head as he turns back to the sky.
“You’re insufferable.”
“I think you mean entertaining. Maybe even delightful .”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“It does.”
They stand in silence after that. Regulus would never admit it out loud, but he really was enjoying James’ company. It was a considerable change of pace from the way his nights in the tower had been for the past five years before this. So he accepted it. Accepted that it was them, just the two of them, a most unlikely pairing of friends - is that what they were? - standing together and watching a flickering sky.
Regulus’ eye catches onto a random star as he thinks. How every other night before, it felt like the walls were choking him. Every brick and staircase and shadow was closing in on him. An inescapable trap that he could find no escape from except the open arches of the tower at night, where the moon and the stars and the light of the world made it feel like he could breathe again. In and out. In and out. That’s what he always told himself.
And now James Potter had the nerve to come up here and give Regulus another source of light without even knowing it.
It’s awful, Regulus tells himself, that now, it’s not only the light of the moon and the stars that loosens the constriction in his chest. That now, he could look just to his left, or just down the hall during the day, and feel the same kind of freedom.
Most definitely awful.
“Do you know the constellations?”
“Hm?”
James looks over at Regulus, who takes his eyes away from the night sky to look at the questioning man. “The constellations,” he nods out to the horizon with his head. “Do you know them?”
“Of course I do,” a small grin flashes across Regulus’ face. “We come from a family of astronomy, if you couldn’t tell. Mother would never let me forget it.”
“Are you up there right now?”
“Me?” He raises an eyebrow. “As in ‘Regulus’ the star? Not tonight, but Sirius is.” It takes some effort to bite through the words, but based on the wonder in James’ eyes, he knows that the man would appreciate the reference to his friend.
At the mention of Sirius’ name, James whips his head back to the sky, eyes wide. “Where is he?!”
“Are you trying to tell me you’ve never seen Sirius before?”
“I mean, probably , but I didn’t know it. Which one is he?”
Regulus can see James’ eyes bouncing from star to star, glistening with wonder. He shakes his head, taking a step to the left to look directly over the Gryffindor’s shoulder. As he traces his finger along what should be James’ line of sight, he talks a bit about the star.
“Sirius, also called Alpha Canis Majoris, is the brightest star in the night sky,” he points to the general area that the star is in, knowing James officially sees it when he hears the man take a gentle inhale. “It’s in the Canis Major constellation - which is essentially a dog - and the name is Greek for ‘sparkling.’ Or ‘scorching.’ I don’t know Greek all that well, so I couldn’t tell you more than an encyclopedia.”
James doesn’t take his eyes off of the sky when Regulus lowers his hand, moving back to his original spot by the railing.
“What are some other ones?” he whispers.
The Slytherin laughs at James’ subtle enthusiasm. “I’ll give you the basics,” Regulus reaches his arm up, circling another area in what he thinks is where James would be seeing the constellation. “I’m sure you’ve seen the Big Dipper in some sort of book or lesson as a kid, so you should be able to see the shape. That’s part of Ursa Major - or the Great Bear.” He moves his hands slightly, watching James’ eyes follow the path. “You can’t see her right now, but Ursa Minor - the Little Bear - is right around this area. Her stars are usually a little dimmer, so it takes a good eye or a dark night. Of course there’s also Orion, notable for the belt.”
“And you said yours isn’t out tonight?”
“Well, not right now. Give it a few hours and I think Leo pops up at some point.”
“What does it look like?”
“I didn’t realize I became a professor overnight.”
James rolls his eyes. “Care to pretend for a few more minutes? I’m just curious.”
Regulus sighs, smiling despite himself. In the palm of his hand, he traces out the shape of the Leo constellation, marking the turn of each star and resting at the heart of it.
“This is where Regulus is.”
“Is he the brightest of his constellation too?”
“I’m not quite sure, I haven’t done as much reading on my own star. I just know where it is.” It’s a blatant lie, and Regulus tells it with a straight face, shrugging his shoulders. Of course he knows all about his own star, he’s just not interested in sharing any more about it right now. Regulus is his star, no one else’s. James can argue that the Tower isn’t his, his mother can argue that his future isn’t his, but that star? That one belongs to Regulus.
“Well,” James says, accepting the lie. “I guess I’ll just go find out for you.”
“Do you not have better things to do, Potter?”
“Maybe,” James smirks, “but I’m curious now. You’ve piqued my interest, Regulus Black, and now I simply need to know these things.”
“How wonderful. I presume I’ll be paying for this interest for the rest of my life, too?”
James laughs, “You have no idea how insufferable I can be. You think it’s bad now? Just you wait, Black. You’ve got a storm coming.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing I can’t handle, Potter.” Regulus offers James a smile, one that is returned immediately. Regulus feels a lump catch in his chest.
Ever hear the phrase, ‘famous last words?’
Yeah.
*
The next time James finds Regulus it’s not in the middle of the night. It’s in the middle of the Hogwarts courtyard, where James almost misses him in the midst of all the other students traveling to their next classes. He’s not sure where the interest comes from, pulling him away from the beaters of the quidditch team and toward the Slytherin, who is currently leaning against the pillars of one of the many stone cutouts surrounding the grass patch in the center. He watches from the other side of the yard as Regulus switches quills, writing something in a different color before continuing on.
Looking behind himself one last time to find the team gone, James takes that as his sign. As he’s about five steps away, Regulus looks up, sensing his approaching presence. Whether he knew James was there all along remains a mystery to the Gryffindor.
“And to what do I owe the pleasure, Mr. Potter?” Regulus smirks.
“Simply an ever-curious mind. Did you know that Regulus is also one of the brightest stars in the sky? The brightest in Leo and also known as, and I quote, ‘The Lion’ heart?’” James is sitting next to Regulus now, plopped right in the grass against the ledge the Slytherin is sitting on.
“Of course I did.”
“What?!” James turns around, accusing eyes meeting Regulus. “What do you mean you knew?! You didn’t tell me?”
“I’m surprised you looked it up so quickly. It’s amazing what a book can do.”
“And you call me insufferable.”
“You looked it up, didn’t you?” Regulus raises an eyebrow at the man below him before returning to his own book, underlining a section of text and tracing the outline of a leaf next to it. James watches the trail of ink with intent eyes, straining to see from the position he’s sitting in.
“Are you marking up your own textbook?”
“ Winogrand’s Wondrous Water Plants ,” Regulus replies, eyes not leaving the page. “And yes, I am. I found it discarded in the common room and figured by the state it was in no one would be using it anytime soon.”
“So you’re just reading it?”
“Have you never read a book for fun, Potter?” The jab earns Regulus a light shove, causing him to place his foot down on the floor to avoid losing balance and falling over completely.
“Of course I have! I’m just curious, is all!”
“So I’ve noticed,” Regulus lets out a small laugh. “I’m annotating it for Pandora. She loves the topic but doesn’t have the time to sort through the entire book. This just means that I get to read the book and give her a summarized version of it. Win-win.”
“I take it you’re a fan of herbology?”
Regulus flips the page, marking something in blue. “One of my favorite subjects. There’s lots to know and it feels like there’s still so much more out there. The information will never run out, and I think that makes it endlessly interesting.”
“Doesn’t that freak you out? The endlessness of everything?” James is resting his head on the stone ledge now, right next to Regulus’ leg.
“It’s just herbology, James. It’s not everything. But to answer your question, no. It doesn’t.”
“How? You can’t possibly ever know it all.”
Regulus looks down, meeting James’ eyes. “Don’t get all existential on me now, Potter.”
“Can’t you just answer the question?”
The back of Regulus’ head hits the wall. James watches as he closes his eyes, seeming to gather his thoughts before gazing back down at him. “I think there’s some beauty in not knowing. It means there’s always something left to explore.”
James cocks his head in response, urging Regulus to say more.
“It’s no different from life in general. There’s an endless amount of thoughts and ideas and experiences out there. Every person you walk past in these halls has a history so endless we could never know it all. And a future so endless it can never possibly be fully discovered, not even by the one experiencing it themself. No matter what happens or where we end up, there’s always more. There will always be new plants, new mutations, new life. It’s just nice to know that I’m part of something bigger.” Regulus traces over another line in the book, not paying attention to the man looking up at him.
James is shocked to say the least. To see Regulus drop an ounce of existential philosophy right in front of his face all because he asked about his interest in herbology .
“What other amazing revelations do you have in that lovely head of yours?”
The comment earns James a raised eyebrow in his direction. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
Oh and he would, James really would.
Painfully so.
The two sit in silence, with James leaning his head against the wall, following the movement of Regulus’ quill with intent eyes. Regulus pays him no mind, continuing to read and leave meaningful notes in the margins. It’s peaceful, just the two of them existing while everyone else walks around them. Over the sounds of surrounding conversation, James can hear the sound of leaves rustling together and birds flying overhead. There’s a light breeze today, and he notices it continues to push a lock of hair into Regulus’ face every time it blows.
“Oi! James!”
Regulus snaps his head up at the same time as the man beneath him, finding the waving hands on the other side of the courtyard and rolling his eyes at the sight.
“What are you doing laying there in the grass?! We have practice in an hour!” Sirius calls. Remus is standing behind him with Peter, looking between the two sitting together like they’re a puzzle.
“Shit,” James grunts under his breath, stumbling to his feet. He brushes off his robe as he turns back to Regulus, who’s back to underlining pages as if he never heard his brother in the first place. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”
Regulus looks up at him through his eyelashes. “Am I even going to have a choice?”
To that, James smiles. He’s beaming when he places a hand on Regulus’ shoulder, leaning close to his ear. “You’re finally learning.”
“James!”
“Merlin’s sake, Sirius, I’ll be right there!” James shouts back. He turns his attention back to Regulus, paired with that awful smile of his. “Try not to think too hard while I’m gone!”
“With you gone? Maybe I’ll be able to think a little more .”
He turns back to his book, listening to James and his awful laughter ringing through the courtyard as he goes to join his friends, headed off to the quidditch pitch.
Awful, awful, awful.
*
The Gryffindor common room is quiet that night, with only the sounds of the fireplace and James scratching notes on spare parchment to fill the silence. It’s warm, not only because of the fire, but because of the atmosphere. Reds and golds and burnt oranges trace the walls and furniture, painting the room in an aura unfound anywhere else in the castle. James finds himself wondering what the Slytherin common room must feel like, with inevitable shades of emerald, silver, and grey.
Though the common room features numerous plush chairs and couches within the center of the room, there are wooden desks lining the walls with chairs to match. This is where James finds himself tonight, leaning over a book. He’s so caught up in his reading and thoughts that he doesn’t hear footsteps approaching until Remus is sitting in the chair diagonal from him. He leans his back to the wall, propping his feet up on the chair next to himself.
“Busy?” he asks.
James looks up from the text. “Just getting some notes in for an essay. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, no worries, mate,” he leans over the table, glancing down at the notes that James has written so far. “Try including creatures from the water, not just land. It’ll add a good page or two to the essay. Page 457.”
“Merlin, Moony, you’re a lifesaver,” James sighs out, flipping to the 450s and tracing his finger down the text, finding a new list of creatures to add to his analysis. “Where’re Pads and Wormtail?”
“Considering you practically ran the team into the ground today, Sirius is well asleep by now. Worms? Couldn’t tell you. Probably got permission to stay late in Potions or something.”
James scrunches his nose in disgust, “The Potions lab? Why on earth would he choose to spend more than the minimum amount of time necessary down there?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Remus laughs, swinging his feet down and leaning onto his elbows, causing the table to creak a bit under the weight. “Prongs, I’m going to ask you something, and you can’t get mad at me for asking about it.”
He looks back up from his writing, eyebrows furrowed, “You can ask me anything, Moony.” He places the quill down, giving Remus his full attention. “What’s going on?” He watches Remus grit his teeth, eyes focused on the parchment so as to not meet James’.
After a deep breath, Remus whispers across the table to James. “Sirius won’t ask you this because he doesn’t want to make it weird, so I’m going to - just to make sure everything’s fine,” he looks up, meeting James’ concerned gaze, “What were you doing with his brother earlier?”
“Regulus?” The look in James’ eyes moves from concern to confusion. “We were talking about the book he was reading, why?”
“That’s it?” Remus raises his eyebrows.
“What else would it have been? Was I not supposed to?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just-” Remus stops, gathering his thoughts before continuing. “James, in all of our years at Hogwarts, we’ve never really been on speaking terms with him. Sirius talks to him when necessary but hasn’t really ever since he moved in with you, and you know what happened there. You and him have never been close, it just took Sirius by surprise.”
James recoils at the last sentence. “If Sirius has a problem with me being friends with his brother, he can talk to me about it. Is it that big of a deal?”
“It’s just out of character for you, is all. Forget I mentioned Sirius, you’re right. He can talk to you himself. Between you and me, what’s going on?”
“Nothing?”
Remus gives James an incredulous look. “Unless you’ve suddenly become a spectacular liar, you were never friends with Regulus before. How did you guys become close? The only other person he lets get that close to him is Pandora. Maybe Barty and Evan on a good day.”
James is taken aback by that information, “How on earth would you know that?”
“I’m observant,” Remus waves off. “So? Tell me about it. If you and Reg are friends, I need to know what the competition is like if he tries to steal you from us.” He gives James a humorous smile, to which he gets a laugh and roll of the eyes from James.
“Regulus,” James corrects. “And no one can compare to you guys, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
Remus just stares at James, eyes sending the message that, no, James is not going to get out of this conversation through vague statements. After a ten second staring contest, James sighs, leaning back in his chair.
“I was on a walk one night at the start of term to clear my head and we ran into each other,” he leaves out the part of Regulus threatening his life in the Astronomy Tower. “That’s really all there is to it.”
“I guarantee you there’s more to it than that. You ‘run into each other’ one random night and all of a sudden you’re sitting next to Regulus Black in the courtyard while he’s reading? Am I really going to have to slip in Veritaserum to get this story out of you?”
James gasps dramatically. “You wouldn’t!”
“You underestimate how nosy I am, Prongs,” a mischievous grin takes over Remus’ face. “So? You ran into each other earlier this term? How did you get from that to today?”
“Well, technically he told me to look something up because he said he didn’t know it - which was a lie by the way, he did know. Found that out today. That was part of the reason I was over there. That, and I was just curious. The only time I ever spend time with him is in the middle of the night when we run into each other.”
“When you run into each other? And how many times has that happened?”
“Well the first time was an accident. I didn’t know he was out - I wasn’t using the map that night. But I was going through some stuff and everyone else was asleep so I was walking to clear my head and he was just there to listen. I figured he went to the same place every time he’s out at night, so that’s just where I went next time I was walking around at night. Found him in the same spot and we talked some more.”
“What about?”
“I don’t think I’m at liberty to tell you that, Moons.”
Remus laughs. “Worth a shot. Anything interesting?”
“Oh for sure. He gives great advice, really. The other night he told me about the stars.”
Remus raises an eyebrow. “The stars?”
“Only because I asked. He’s always looking at them so I figured he must know something.”
“And you didn’t? Know about the stars, I mean,” Remus gives James a disbelieving look, to which he receives a crumpled up ball of parchment to the face. “Hey!”
“When my parents and I go camping, we focus on things on the ground , thank you very much.”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. So he told you about the stars ?”
“Just some basic constellations, nothing crazy. Why?”
“James, you could have asked any one of us. You could have asked Sirius . He’s literally named after a star.”
“So is Regulus? It’s not that big of a deal. We just talk sometimes, I like listening to what he has to say.”
“Do you, now?”
“Well, yeah. He’s really smart - like super smart, Rem. And he’s got such a way of words and a good outlook on the world. I just like listening to what he has to say, whatever’s on his mind. It’s really interesting. And the advice he gives? He just thinks really rationally, and maybe it’s because he has no bias with me, but I just enjoy talking with him. I like to think he enjoys me bugging him at least a little bit.”
Remus gives James a look, one that James can’t quite read. “I doubt he has no bias with you, James. It doesn’t sound like it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Regulus doesn’t just let anyone into his space, James.”
“So you’re saying I’m special because he decides to talk to me? I doubt that, Rem.”
“That’s not what I’m saying, it’s just,” Remus stops, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Be careful, yeah?”
“With what ?” When Remus registers the confusion in James’ voice, a knowing look flashes over his eyes.
“Just the way you talk about him, Prongs. I can tell you care about him.”
“And since when was caring about people a bad thing?”
“I never said it was, and I won’t tell you what to do James. Just don’t dig yourself into a hole you can’t get out of, okay?”
“You make it sound like he’s going to rip me into pieces, Remus. I’ll be fine,” James tucks his used parchment into the textbook, ensuring the ink has dried before shutting the cover. He tucks the book into his bag, tossing it over his shoulder and standing from the table. “I’m going to turn in for the night. I appreciate your concern, Moons, but considering neither you nor anyone else in the group has really spoken to him beyond mandatory conversation, do me a favor and keep his name out of your mouth. It’s not your place to judge someone you don’t know.”
James turns over his shoulder, leaving Remus in the common room in exchange for the company of quiet in his own bed.
When he checks the map by moonlight, Regulus isn’t at the Astronomy Tower.
*
It’s two days later when James finds Regulus at night again. Or, more accurately, Regulus finds him.
“You beat me here.” Regulus says after climbing the stairs up to the tower, only to find James already leaning on the railing in his usual spot, leaving the space next to him for the Slytherin.
James turns at the statement, almost like he’s surprised to see Regulus there in the first place.
“Don’t look so shocked, Potter. This was my decompression spot first.” Regulus walks forward, placing his forearms on the railing and looking up at the sky, clouds covering the view of the stars.
“You haven’t been up in a while,” is all James replies with.
Regulus raises an eyebrow at him. “Waiting up for me, are you Potter? I didn’t know my presence had that much of an effect on you.”
The sarcasm earns the Slytherin a light smack to the shoulder, and Regulus lets out a laugh at the response. “Don’t get cocky, Black. It was just an observation.”
“Yeah, well, unfortunately for you I do have responsibilities outside of contemplating my own existence in the middle of the night in a school tower.”
“And what could possibly be more important than that?” James retorts.
“Simply so many things, James,” he laughs. “Why are you here so early?”
“It’s almost midnight?”
“You’re here before me, which means you’re early.”
“One could say, instead, that you’re just late.”
“How can I be late to something that I started?”
“ You started?!”
“James, no one came up here in the middle of the night until I did. And then you just happened to start following me up here.”
“I am wounded that you think I did that,” sarcasm is dripping in James’ reply.
“That’s exactly what you’ve been doing all term, genius. Stop avoiding the question. What’s going on? Did something happen?”
When James looks over at Regulus, still giggling over the little back-and-forth they just had, he sees concern laced in the other man’s features.
Well, shit.
Regulus watches James, waiting for an answer. He doesn’t ask again, just waits for James.
He continues to wait as he sees the humor fall out of James’ face and he looks at the ground. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t ask another question to pry it out of him. Regulus has had plenty of experience with waiting, so he has no trouble waiting for James to tell him about whatever’s on his mind. All Regulus can infer is that something is wrong.
Because yes, something is wrong. But how do you ask for advice about something your friend said to you when the thing that they said was about the very person you’re talking to?
Yes, it’s exactly that confusing in James’ head.
Because Remus’ reaction to James and his new friendship with Regulus is not at all what he would have expected - especially not from Remus. Maybe that’s what makes the concern sting so bad. But there are so many things to unpack from what Remus decided to drop on him two nights ago. And yeah, maybe some of it is tinged by the fact that he and Sirius are an item, so Sirius’ issues are Remus’, at least partially. But it seemed like more than that. How do you tell someone, “Hey, one of my best friends told me to be careful around you because we’re started becoming friends. Can you believe that?”
The answer is, you don’t.
So instead of answering his question, James doesn’t lift his head. He takes a deep breath, trying to put the thought of what Remus told him out of his mind. “Talk to me about something.”
“I don’t think that’s-”
“Please,” James whispers. If they had been anywhere else, Regulus might not have caught it. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight. Tell me something else.” Anything else.
Regulus lets out an exhale. “My mother sent me a letter yesterday.”
Now that gets James’ attention. Regulus is shocked he doesn’t fall over the railing with how quickly his head shoots up. “What? Why? What did she say?”
“Well, considering Sirius left, part of it was about future plans. What I need to do and expect when I go home over winter. There are certain things I’m trying to get pushed back, but she’s always been a tough one to convince.”
“Oh, is that all?”
Regulus gives James a look. “Out of all the stories I’m sure you’ve heard of Walburga, you must be able to infer that there was, in fact, more.”
“Did something happen?”
“Not necessarily,” he takes a deep breath, leaning over the railing. It was Regulus’ turn to avoid eye contact. “Ever since Sirius left, she expects me to provide her with updates on him. Like a little spy. She always wants to know how he’s doing. If he’s excelling academically. Whether he’s still ‘bringing shame to the family name,’” he says in quotations. “I think it’s mainly because she’s holding out some desperate hope he’ll come back.”
James looks at Regulus in disbelief. “She has to know that won’t happen.”
Regulus flinches at the reminder that his brother is gone for good, shrugging off the emotion as quick as it came. “Deep down, she should. Anyone can see it. Dad gave up three years ago, she’s the only one still trying.”
“And why is she asking you to tell her? Are you actually spying on Sirius?”
“I’m not spying on him, James. Contrary to what you think, he does talk to me a little bit. I know about quidditch and the classes he’s struggling with. Him and Dorcas have studied together a few times, too, so it’s not like he’s completely out of my life. He knows mother asks about him. If he asked me to stop telling her, I would.”
“He hasn’t?”
Regulus arches an eyebrow at James. “Did he tell you nothing about her?”
“Well, of course he did. I’m just shocked he hasn’t asked you to stop telling her about his every move.”
“It’s not his every move, James,” Regulus rolls his eyes. “And if he did tell you things about her, you should know that there are worse ways she can keep an eye on Sirius. He might be burned off of the family tree, but she’s still watching him. If it’s not me, it’s someone else. At least this way, he knows exactly what information is getting back to her.”
“And she can’t ask him herself?”
“In what world would Sirius ever answer Walburga Black?”
“I guess that’s a fair point,” James grimaces. The breeze pushes his hair back. “Why do you?”
“Hm?”
“Why do you answer her?”
“Because it’s expected of me. Since Sirius left, I’m the heir. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter. There’s no other option for them unless they were to somehow add someone else to our family line, which is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But adhering to what she wants gives me at least a little bit of leverage in getting what I want in return. It’s the only reason I’m able to see Barty and Evan over breaks or get plans delayed. If I can convince her it’s for the benefit of my personal image and the image of the family, sometimes she’ll listen.”
“So you’ve resorted to walking on eggshells and listening to everything she asks?”
“I don’t walk on eggshells, James,” Regulus scoffs. “It’s not like Sirius leaving the family made it any easier for me to try to find a way out of it.”
“You would leave?”
“You would stay? ”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” James’ eyes go wide, trying to backtrack on his statement. “Just, with the way you talk about it sometimes or the way Sirius would talk about it, I didn’t think you’d want to leave.”
“Being the heir is not necessarily a desirable thing, James. Why do you think Sirius left?”
And James knows. He knows exactly why Sirius left. He’s the one who held him all those years ago when he showed up at the Potter doorstep, bruises littering his entire body. James held him as he told the Potters everything. About the discipline in the Black household. The life plans. Where the Black children were destined to end up. James held Sirius as he cried for his brother, the guilt of leaving him behind ripping him apart even though Regulus was too scared to leave with him.
Regulus is looking back at the clouds when he talks some more.
“Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I left with him that night. If I had been able to grow up outside of his shadow.”
“Why couldn’t you?”
“Leave? Or grow up?”
“Both.”
Regulus sighs. “I think there was just some part of me that was hoping it was all a nightmare. That I would wake up and my parents wouldn’t be as awful as they were - are . That we could all be a happy family; that if I tried a little bit harder, maybe everyone could have been happy. It was just the delusion of being a kid. Sirius never could have been happy in that house. Nothing I could do would ever change that. Even as I grew up, I had Barty and Pandora and Evan. My cousins weren’t so bad, either. I was able to find light in that house, but Sirius? The darkness would have eaten him alive.”
“And the shadow?”
“Sirius might have left the house, but he never really left . He existed there long enough to set the standard. Him and I are a lot of the same, but also a lot different. Sirius was always more extroverted - had no trouble getting people to like him, even if he didn’t want their company. You’d be shocked how far confidence can get you in life. I’ve never been that way, not when I was a kid, not now. It’s just the constant standard of being compared to him, how everything I do is always measured up to what Sirius would have done. It’s why I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t grow up being compared to him. He was the ideal heir for the family, whether he liked it or not. I was just there as a backup, my role was to follow him.”
“You’re not less of a person because you’re not like Sirius. That doesn’t diminish your value, you know that right?” James whispers.
“Well, yeah. I’ve learned and grown. It’s still a little voice in the back of my head though, the comparison. It’s not something easily removed,” Regulus sighs, meeting James’ gaze. “It’s alright though, I have peace in it all. It doesn’t bother me anymore, just gets on my mind.”
“Is that why you come up to the tower?”
“Tonight? Yes. Especially because of the letter. It’s just been on my mind. I’m not always up here moping about my family, though. Sometimes it’s just for the air or for something else.”
“Like what?”
The Slytherin rolls his eyes. “Stop playing therapist. I already gave you enough family trauma for one night, and I let you get away with not answering my question.”
James gives him a soft smile. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
“You didn’t want to talk about it,” Regulus shrugs. “It’s not my place to pry. If you ever want to get it out, you know where to find me.”
James looks at Regulus, who’s back to watching the sky, eyes focused between the clouds, trying to catch glimpses of what’s behind them through the gaps that form in the breeze. The way his hair frames his face, even in the night wind, makes James feel like he’s staring at something far too elegant for Hogwarts, or the world. The moon, though shaded by the clouds, still paints Regulus in a light that makes him look ethereal.
James swallows the lump in his throat, Remus’ words creeping back into his head.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“That you have all of that going on. That you never got the chance to grow up without the shadows.”
“It’s not your apology to make, James.”
“But you’re so much more than his little brother.”
James’ words hang in the air, filling the space. They were only whispered, practically breathed out. But Regulus breathes them in anyway, letting the sentiment fill him up.
So much more .
He swallows before answering. “I know that. I know that I am. But I like to think that everything happens for some sort of reason, and that’s what makes him and I different. If it were bad enough, I would have gone just like he did. If I really felt like I couldn’t make something - anything - of myself, I would have called it quits a long time ago. But I didn’t. I’m more than his image because I chose differently. Just because other people don’t agree with my decision to stay doesn’t make me less.”
“But you always had to grow under that image anyway.”
Regulus nudges James with his elbow, cracking a smile. “I think I turned out at least a little bit okay, don’t you?” It earns him a resigned grin back from the Gryffindor. James leans over, resting the side of his head on Regulus’ shoulder.
“I think you turned out more than okay, Regulus.”
The Slytherin hopes James didn’t notice his breathing stop. How his hands shake when he leans his head over to meet James.
“The sentiment is appreciated, Potter, even though I never needed your approval.”
James snorts at the jab. “Just ‘Thank you, James’ would suffice, you know.”
“And miss out on my apathetic charm?” Regulus laughs. “I don’t think so.”
They stand there with each other in the quiet. The only sound is the breeze pushing up through the castle, the leaves of the surrounding forest rustling together. Even though the clouds block their stars, it’s peaceful. It’s fresh. It’s everything that daily life isn’t. Here, leaning on each other over a railing that overlooks the campus grounds, Regulus feels calm. It’s a comfort that feels foreign, and he knows that no other night in the tower felt like this until James climbed up those stairs at the start of term. It’s a jarring recognition, because he knows exactly how this is going to end - that there’s nothing that can save him from this now.
Not now, when James has made a home not only in his personal space, but his mind. Not now, when Regulus looks forward to company in the Tower instead of dreading it.
He knows exactly what this means.
He’s known for a while, really. At least he thinks so.
“I’m going to turn in for the night,” James whispers out, cutting into Regulus’ thoughts. “Thank you, again.”
He turns to smile at him. “I would consider us something like friends at this point, Potter. It’s nothing. I should be thanking you.” Regulus hopes that James can’t hear the shake in his voice.
James offers him a smile in return, taking a step away from his shoulder. “Goodnight, Regulus.” He nods before retracing his steps to the staircase and leaving Regulus to enjoy the rest of his night in the tower - for however long he chooses to stay.
As he’s taking his first step down the stairs, Regulus calls back to him.
“James?”
He turns. “Yeah?”
“Just Reg is fine.”
And James smiles at him. That awful, goofy, lopsided smile that makes something in Regulus’ chest flip.
“Goodnight, Reggie.”
Even though James’ back is to him, he can sense Regulus’ eye roll to the nickname he definitely did not agree to , and laughter slips through his lips as he rushes down the stairs and into the corridors.
For some reason, James knows that - despite his distaste for the nickname - Regulus will let him get away with it anyway.