Chapter Text
“Will you be needing anything else, sir?” Mr. Catcher asked as he opened the door to the car.
“No, thank you. I wish you all the best,” Regulus told him as he exited the car, his stupid long braid flowing behind him. To his own behest, he also leaned heavily on his stupid, stupid canes. This was beginning to feel really final. With this step, he was never going to see Mr. Catcher, or the rest of his family, ever again.
Mr. Catcher is the family butler of the House of Black, though Regulus’ mother tends to call him Kreacher. Just because he was aging and becoming more stooped did not mean that he should be treated in such a way. Regulus himself had finally had enough of his own treatment (and secrets for that matter), and with the help of Mr. Catcher, he finally made a plan to run away.
He really was going to miss the man. Mr. Catcher had been his main companion for years now.
“To you as well,” Mr. Catcher told him as he headed back towards the driver's seat. Regulus would’ve loved to hug him in this moment, but he didn’t trust his ability to do so without falling over. He wasn’t brave enough to, anyway.
Now that Mr. Catcher was gone, Regulus took a second to take this place in.
“Starry Night Café,” the sign out front read. The lettering was dark blue and the font was swirly, which didn’t match the aesthetic he was seeing through the windows at all. He hoped this was still the right address. Sirius sent it to him months ago, after all.
The warmth of the place only really hit him once he walked inside. Big brown squashy chairs filled the cafe’s interior. While the walls were white, everything else had darker tones that wrapped you in a blanket. At the same time, the vast number of windows made the place feel bright and airy.
Regulus thought he’d better get in line if he wanted to find his brother.
Doing so obviously didn’t take very long. Sirius was way too loud and obnoxious to blend in.
“A large mocha!” He heard him calling. He directed his eyes towards the source of the sound, and there he was: Sirius!!
His hair was so long now, and the piercings! He looked so happy Regulus could cry. Upon seeing his brother, he felt this rising in his stomach, and whether it was nervousness or excitement, he wasn’t sure.
Then, Sirius’ coworker was whispering something in his ear… Maybe this was the James he used to always talk about? He hoped they were still friends. Regulus knew Sirius really loved James. He used to be a bit jealous of him, but he’d long come to terms with his place by now.
Regulus watched Sirius’ body slowly go into ignition before he was sprinting out from behind the counter.
“ELECTRA!” Sirius exclaimed. Regulus could feel his stomach boil upon hearing the name, but he could not blame his brother for what he didn’t know. The fact that Sirius was this excited to see him made his heart swell.
“Its actually Regulus now,” Regulus told his brother. He didn’t know what was keeping his voice so calm and composed when it felt like his insides were igniting. Regulus could see recognition on his brother’s face as he heard Reg’s Awful Womany Voice, but he still seemed a little lost. He was always stumbling over things right before he’d gotten him out of there, was he?…
“I’m over here, darling,” Regulus continued. Sirius immediately followed the voice and slammed him into a hug. With his balance precarious as is, both of them went tumbling to the ground upon impact.
Regulus’ bum was in pain, but he couldn’t find himself to care when he was hugging his brother for the first time in four years. His legs always hurt more anyways.
“Regulus!” Sirius whisper yelled into his ear. “So you’re a boy, eh?”
“Yeah. Turns out I was the brother you always wanted all along.”
Sirius laughed, and the sound filled him up.
“Shush. I know I was a bastard, and, I’m sorry El- no, Regulus. I’m sorry, Regulus.” Sirius was now gripping him more tightly.
“We were children. I was also stupid. Its alright. Though, we should probably get up. We’re obstructing the line.”
“Oh, yeah!” Sirius exclaimed before letting go and scrambling to his feet.
With great effort, Regulus managed to pull himself up as well, heavily relying on his canes. He was too used to taking a fall, damnit. There was a reason he didn’t go out much. When his mother made him go to balls and things, he’d find a table in the corner, where he would be the least perceived in his poofy dress, and watch those who danced on the ballroom floor longingly, achingly.
“Maybe we can find a table?” Regulus asked.
“Yeah, though I can’t stay with you too long. I’ve gotta get back to work soon or Jamie’s gonna lose his mind.” Sirius began walking towards a table and Regulus followed.
“So that is James. I’m glad you’re still friends,” Regulus found himself saying, though the words tasted odd in his mouth.
As they sat down (well, for him, it was more of a lowering into the chair), Regulus saw that Sirius was smiling big and wide.
“Yeah, me too. I’d probably be dead without him honestly,” Sirius told him. Though his tone was light, Regulus could sense that bit of honesty. “I’m impressed you’ve lasted this long without one,” he added.
“Without what?”
“A James, of course.”
The last four years had been, well, rough would probably be an understatement.
“It was hard enough without a Sirius,” Regulus found himself saying in a low whisper. It was a hard thought to voice, but Regulus could feel any semblance of composure or control slowly flying out the window.
“Oh- Regulus!” Sirius stood and walked over to the other side of the table, once again wrapping him in a big hug. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to deal with her, all alone, I wish I could’ve-“
“No. You would’ve died if you stayed much longer, Siri, its okay. I think I might have if I did too…”
“- Regulus… what did she do to you?”
“I-“ for a second, Regulus’ brain didn’t compute. How could he possibly tell his brother what happened? Clearly he couldn’t see it for himself… “Not now. Your James looks like he’s going to cry up there all by himself. I’ll be here.”
“Oh! Oh no! Ok! Talk to you later, Reg!” Sirius called as he rushed back towards the counter.
Reg… it wasn’t a bad nickname. It felt oddly good. Damn, he was so relieved his brother didn’t give a damn about his gender. Clearly, though, his brother was probably very incredibly queer, so why should he?
***
Regulus was soon given earl grey (Sirius knew what he was doing), and he was able to spend his afternoon reading. He was making his way through The Mortal Instruments at a terrifying speed. He always had to hide these sort of books at home, slipping covers of literary classics over top of them. The incest plot was,, definitely a bit yikes but something about these books, maybe the stupidity, drew him in.
His afternoon reading by the fire passed in a flash. The warm fire felt good on his bones and Jace and Clary were stupid as usual. Wonderful things, wonderful things. James and Sirius were having the time of their lives up at the counter. It was a nice sight to look up at on occasion, maybe smile a bit before looking back down at his book. Maybe a James is such a good thing to have after all.
Hearing that last little tinkle of the bell on the door felt peaceful. Soon enough, James and Sirius finished closing up and were ready to go as well.
“Regulus! To ours! Come along!” Sirius exclaimed.
James frowned before giving Regulus a look. Huh?
“Uh, Sirius, as much as I’d love to have him at ours, I.. I don’t know if he’d make it up all those stairs,” said James.
Well shit. This was really not how Regulus wanted that conversation to go.
“Regulus?! What?! What happened?!” Sirius was now rushing towards him, a wild look in his eyes.
Regulus held his arms out to prevent Sirius from getting all over him.
“My legs are fucked. That’s all I’m saying for now.” His tone was icy and his expression guarded. Just not now, just not now…
“Ok, fine. Just, tell me later maybe? Oh yeah! Remus’ place has an elevator! Let me text him about it!”
Regulus then listened in as Sirius texted whoever this Remus was. They had to wait a few minutes for his response, which was understandable because he was probably busy, but also whether or not to have someone live with you (for the time being at least) is quite the decision, especially if that person is a stranger. Regulus felt nervous at the prospect himself. Why couldn’t God just let him live with his brother? Oh right, this was his mother’s fault, that bitch.
“Yay he said he’d do it! Goodbye, Jamie, my darling, we’re headed to Reeemus’!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Goodbye, my darling Padfoot. Goodbye, Regulus! Nice to meet you for real this time!” James called as he walked out the door of the café. That’s right. James did briefly see him as they both helped Sirius run away all those years ago. His smile was so bright. Something was so light about it… No wonder Sirius loved his darling Jamie.
“So Regulus! There are some things you should know about Remus,” Sirius told him as they were walking to Remus’ flat. Regulus noticed that he was using a white cane to navigate, further confirming his suspicions of his brother’s visual impairment, though he didn’t want to pry.
“What?” he asked.
“Well, he’s deaf, for one, and doesn’t speak, so, you should probably start learning a bit of sign language if you’re gonna be in his vicinity. Second of all, he’s my boyfriend. I have dibs. You’re legally not allowed to woo my moony and steal him from me.”
“… and why would I ever do that?” Regulus asked.
“I just, I have a feeling you two are gonna really like each other.” Sirius always did have good intuition. This was a very good sign. In fact, it even made Regulus feel a bit excited to meet this Remus.
“Alright, well, if it makes you feel better. I am not feeling up to dating anyone right now anyways.”
“It does, thank you.” Jesus Christ his brother was insecure. Well, with an upbringing like theirs, no fucking wonder.
As the walk progressed, Regulus began to struggle to keep up, then to walk whatsoever, but he was gonna make it to this apartment, damnit. It was just a short walk. He needed to be able to get places, damnit.
“Regulus?” Sirius eventually called back to him. At this point, Sirius was a good twenty feet ahead of Regulus.
“I’m still here.” Regulus managed. His voice came out breathier than he would’ve liked, but he was still there. Yes.
Sirius then began weaving back towards him.
“Are you alright?” Sirius asked.
“Just fine,” Regulus gritted out. Really, he was barely standing, but there was no way he was gonna say so.
Unfortunately, knowing Regulus, Sirius saw through him. Even after all these years…
“That’s it, I’m picking you up, grab on.”
Considering he didn’t have much of a choice, Regulus grabbed onto Sirius’ shoulders, handing his canes to him, and allowed him to carry himself the rest of the way to Remus’. It was only once they made it into the elevators that Sirius put him down.
He fell because he didn’t have his canes.
“I- jesus christ are you okay?!” Sirius asked. He must’ve heard the thump. Fucking hell! In those moments, he wanted to sink into the floor. Right in front of his fucking brother.. He couldn’t blame his brother for not knowing the extent of the damage. He’d yet to tell him, after all.
“Just hand me the damn canes and I’ll be fine.”
Sirius promptly did just that just as the elevator doors began to open. He then rushed to get out and hold it open to make sure Regulus would be able to get out of there.
Regulus managed to get up and out of the elevator in his own time. Thankfully, the walk to Remus’ apartment was pretty quick. Regulus made a beeline for the couch as soon as Sirius unlocked the door.
“Why do you have a key to this place anyways?” Regulus asked.
“Moony’s my boyfriend, remember? I get special access!”
“Ahh right.”
“You doing alright?” Sirius asked.
“I’ll be fine.” Agonizing pain was normality. This was normality. Regulus would make it through. At least she would never… yeah. She couldn’t hurt him anymore. Not anymore.
Now, Remus. From what he saw around the apartment (a giant fuckin bookshelf! wicked.), Regulus agreed with Sirius’ assessment. Therefore, but also because it was common fucking decency, he began to shove as much bsl into his brain as possible before the mysterious Remus Lupin walked in the door. Phones can be a nifty piece of technology. He was surprised Walburga hadn’t canceled his cellular already, honestly. Maybe she was still in denial.
Soon, Sirius settled next to him on the couch.
“Whatcha doin?” Sirius asked.
“Learning your boyfriend’s language. Now shut the fuck up so I can focus.”
“Fair enough.” Sirius then scooted away and stuck some earbuds in, minding his own business. Perfect. Thank god his brother now understood when things were important.
Remus walked in all too soon. Regulus had just finished memorizing the bsl alphabet, which felt like nothing in the moment. Damnit! Remus also happened to be very tall. Way too tall. He could probably use Sirius’ shoulder as an armrest, meaning he could probably do the same with Regulus’ head. God fucking damnit.
He had a really nice outfit, though! The tote bag with a moon on it was a nice touch. Maybe that’s why Sirius kept calling him Moony, that or that his name was basically wolfy.
When Remus looked over to his couch and saw the both of them, Regulus watch him visibly do a double take. He really does look like his brother.
‘Oh [deadname] looks so much like Sirius! Its like she’s the female version of him!’ People would say. Hearing that always made him want to punch a wall. It was not until he was older that he knew why.
Remus went for the classic smile and wave before sitting himself down on the couch between the two of them.
“Hello, I’m Regulus. I’m sorry this is all I had time to learn. It’s a pleasure, and thank you.”
Remus froze before focusing his gaze on Regulus’ finger spelling. His eyes were wide, eyebrows practically to the ceiling. Before he knew it, Regulus was being smashed into a big hug and oh fuck, this was overwhelming.
Regulus was very relieved when Remus let go of him. After a childhood like his, especially after just getting out of her clutches, he had no idea what to do with this from a near stranger.
“Sirius, does he always hug people he meets?” Regulus asked.
“I think not enough people do what you just did, and he’s grateful or something? I’ve also told him a bit about you as well so that might be part of it? If I had to guess, he’s probably typing something up into his text to speech app so the both of us can understand him,” Sirius told him.
Lo and behold, Remus, who was now seated between them, was typing something into his phone. A small smile still lingered on his face.
“Hello Regulus, Sirius. Sorry if I overwhelmed you there, my bad. Your room is down the hall to the right. I’ll be making ramen for dinner unless either of you have any better ideas.” Regulus was a bit startled by the robotic voice, but he figured he’d get used to it in time.
“Remus! My brother deserves pizza!” Sirius exclaimed. He spoke but he also signed with such fluidity. Regulus found it beautiful.
“Pizza?” Regulus asked.
“Please, Remus. I’ll even pay for it I swear I just need Regulus to try pizza damnit,” Sirius begged.
“Then we’re fucking getting him pizza. Don’t worry about the money.”
“Yayyy pizza! Thank you Moony!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Of course. Regulus must taste it,” Remus answered.
Pizza. Regulus hoped it was as good as Remus and Sirius said it was. Really, he did want to try the many foods that were unavailable to him in that damn house.
Soon, Sirius was on the phone ordering pizza and all they had to do was wait. As Sirius and Remus discussed things using their hands (that had to be what was happening, right?), Regulus took the time to peruse Remus’ bookshelf from the comfort of his spot on the couch.
He saw several Shakespeare volumes towards the top, some more well worn than others. Unfortunately, it was hard to read the titles from where he was seated, but he’d have his fun making a guess of it. Maybe Hamlet, or Richard III. No, wait. Remus seemed the romantic type. Maybe Romeo and Juliet?
He let his eyes scan lower on the shelf. He spotted a well loved copy of Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility right next to it, just as well loved. So Remus was a romantic. Ahh. Paradise Lost was next to East of Eden… interesting. Well, he had to assume the latter book probably had biblical themes. As his eyes scanned back up, he spotted Frankenstein. Maybe Remus liked both Romeo and Hamlet. He would find out in time.
Or he could just ask.
If only he could just stand up like a normal fucking person and look to see himself. If only she’d never- well, he couldn’t help that now, so he was gonna fucking deal with it, damnit.
He was used to this. It was fine. It Was Fine.
“Regulus! What’s going on? Remus said my brother was brooding!” Sirius’ voice was so full. It was always filled. It was like he poured his being into it.
“Don’t worry about it.” Regulus’ voice would never be like that. It was dull and flat and sharp around the edges. Regulus thought that worked out for him just fine.
“Reg-“
Before Sirius could finish, he heard the doorbell ring and watched the lights flash. Pizza was here. He watched as Sirius went dashing to the door, did the classic small talk thing with the delivery lady, and then Remus handed Sirius the proper bills to pay for their meal and probably also tip the lady.
“Pizza!” Sirius exclaimed as he ceremoniously stuck the box on Remus’ coffee table. Remus smiled softly up at his boyfriend. In that moment, Regulus realized how stupidly in love Remus must be. He felt an intense joy begin to blossom in his chest knowing that his brother was loved in such a way. Of course his stupid feelings started leaking onto his face. He’d definitely have to tell Sirius at some point…
“What is it?” Remus asked him via fingerspelling.
“Pizza.” Regulus lied. Remus smiled and nodded before he began to cut the pie. He tapped Sirius once he was done, and Sirius just reached into the box and grabbed a slice. Remus did the same after grabbing a monster from his fridge… he hoped Remus knew how unhealthy those things were. Even he knew how unhealthy those things were. No plates, no utensils, not even napkins… and this pizza… it looked so greasy.
Well, it wasn’t like Regulus wanted to go through with the hassle of getting up to grab any of those things, so he settled for doing it their way and tearing off a slice for himself. It looked as if it had several toppings on it. Although he never ate it, Regulus had only seen it with just cheese or with pepperoni. What else was in this thing?
Slowly, ever so slowly, Regulus brought the pizza towards his mouth and took a bite. Wow. The flavors of the… tomato sauce was it? And the cheese, and the olives! It was also very greasy. The taste was satisfying after a lifetime devoid of it. It tasted like rebellion.
Once he got to the second bite and tasted the pepperoni, he felt disappointment. The sausage he could live with, but the pepperoni? No. Absolutely not.
He almost just sucked it up and continued eating when he realized: this isn’t his mother’s house! He doesn’t have to! Right then, he began removing every piece of the foul foul pepperoni from his pizza and sticking it into the lid of the box.
“What are you doing, Regulus?” Remus asked via his app.
“Removing the gross bits,” Regulus answered, first with his hand, then with his mouth. Sirius then began laughing.
“What are you taking off?” Sirius asked between giggles.
“The pepperoni. It is vile.” Regulus answered.
“Agh I should’ve known! Is it good without it at least?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
Regulus also noticed Sirius signing everything they were saying as they spoke. He was glad to see that Remus was being accommodated, and he was glad that Remus likely accommodated Sirius too when he needed it.
Remus was then using his free hand to spell something into Sirius’, and Regulus continued to eat his pizza. It still felt quite odd eating in such a way, but he would adjust to true normal life soon, hopefully.
Once he finished, the grease lingering on his hands began to peeve Regulus. He would glance back and forth from the living room to Remus’ kitchen, debating whether he take the effort of walking over there to get a napkin. He then realized he would get his canes all greasy, wait, but he could wipe them off afterwards, or would it linger? He didn’t know…
Fuck asking for help. Regulus stood up and began to make his way to the kitchen, where he grabbed a couple of paper towels before heading back to the living room. The effort he had to put in was ridiculous for such a feeble task.
It seemed that Sirius noticed what he did. He must’ve heard his footsteps, and with the canes, they had to be distinct…
“Reg, you didn’t have to-“
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Regulus interrupted.
“Alright.” It seemed as if Sirius deflated with the words before he was struck with inspiration. “Well, I say we put on a movie!” Sirius continued in both speech and sign.
“Sounds good,” Remus responded through his app.
“Fine with me,” Regulus responded.
Sirius then threw the remote at him. Bastard.
“Regulus! You pick!”
They really must’ve been forgetting how sheltered he was. He was surely gonna pick something really stupid.
Finding Nemo. Some cartoon fish growing up. Can’t be that bad, right?
This is what he thought going into the movie. Going out of it? Him and Sirius were crying into each other’s shoulders.
“Fuck Reg! His dad actually tried to do better! He really did! He- he actually learned! He learned not to be so overprotective of his disabled capable son! Fuck!” Sirius exclaimed while burying himself into Regulus.
“I know, I know, I know…” Regulus responded before holding Sirius tighter.
“Is there anything I can do for you two?” Remus asked. The two of them were so engrossed in their emotions they almost forgot he was there.
“Oh Moony!” Sirius exclaimed before springing himself into his boyfriend’s arms. The two of them shared a warm hug before Sirius detached himself. He hoped to maybe experience a less jarring Remus hug some day. The guy just seemed like he would be really good at hugs.
“We should probably just get to bed and unwind there, but thank you. I’m sharing with Regulus tonight, by the way,” Sirius said and signed simultaneously.
Oh. It was, just like when they were kids… That’s what he was doing… And they were allowed. Wow. Fuck, Regulus was crying again.
Remus nodded before spelling something into Sirius’ hand and heading to his own room.
“Well, looks like it's just you and me, darling. Ready to get washed up?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah,” Reg answered. Goddamnit his voice was so shaky! Fuck! And so Sirius found Reg some of his pajamas that he left here (cause lord knows Remus’s wouldn’t fit), they washed up, and then settled in the double bed that was the centerpiece of the guest room. Everything was very simple. The sheets and walls were both white and the dresser and nightstand were brown. Once they turned the lights out, the city light snuck into the room through the window. Despite this, Regulus didn’t have any desire to close the curtains.
“Reg, I, I hope you’ll tell me now. It’s just us. I’ve been through that bitch, differently than you have, but, what did she do to you?” Sirius asked. His voice sounded so tender. It was dripping with concern, and his hands were squeezing Regulus’. All of this made something in Regulus completely give. This was his big brother. He was safe here. He always was safe with him. He didn’t have to- he didn’t have to be strong for him.
“She- after you left, she took it out on me, which was understandable, since a lot of it was my doing. You, that drug took you somewhere else mentally, and each time, I swear she’d give you more. I couldn’t stand watching it. I couldn’t stand watching a you that was barely yourself, that was suffering. I found James’ contact in your phone and arranged everything. You were so out of it you didn’t even try to stop me.”
“Oh.” With this, Sirius crawled into Regulus’ arms. He must’ve had no idea… Fuck he needed to keep going.
“Well, she thought that she could better control and punish me with a different method: pain. She would- She would break my bones, Sirius, my bones! She would- strap me into this chair and- and put pressure on a part of my leg until she heard the crack. Over time, I learned not to scream. She would always scold me for screaming. By the end, she would look for excuses to do it. It was like, she just wanted to release some of her own pent up energy, by breaking my fucking bones!”
Sirius’ arms were now wrapped around him tightly, though he carefully avoided his brother’s legs.
“I’m here, just breathe with me,” Sirius whispered in his ear. He didn’t say it was okay. It wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. His legs were practically useless and he was a fucking freak.
“I don’t think any of them ever healed properly. I never had the chance to let them do so. I had to go on with my schooling and pretend everything was fine, until I was using one cane, and then two, and now I can’t do fucking shit and I feel so- so pathetic. Fuck. How did you, how did you cope with being, blind right?”
“Yeah, I’m completely blind.” The low rumble of his brother’s voice alone began to calm something in Regulus. “Really, I wasn’t coping at all at first. I’d probably be dead without James and his family. I think with time I found what made me happy and grabbed onto it tightly. It is still hard sometimes, but that’s ok.”
Regulus nodded into his shoulder, acknowledging what he said before going on a completely different point. Fuck, he was really glad Sirius had a James…
“You know, this still doesn’t feel completely real to me. It feels like its all a dream, a vacation or something, and I’m gonna wake up tomorrow back at Grimmauld,” Regulus explained.
“You are never going back there. You will never have to go back there, she cannot hurt you ever again. You are an adult. She no longer has any claim over you, and you, you will learn to cope too.”
Regulus nodded into him again, hoping to all hell that what he was saying was true. The main problem for himself was that he knew he was still in denial of what happened to his body.
Then, for a few minutes, they clung in comfortable silence until Sirius chose to crack it.
“What do you look like now?” It felt to Regulus as if it had taken courage for Sirius to ask that question. He seemed small in the moment, vulnerable.
Despite his bitter hatred for his appearance, Regulus began to describe every detail for his sightless brother.
“My hair is still too long. It’s still dark and wavy like yours is. I usually keep it in a braid down my back. Mother approved and it was the least dysphoria inducing thing I could do with it in that house. My eyes are still a light brown that somehow mimics your grey eyes in certain lighting. My face is rounder now. I don’t like it. My figure has grown the same and I feel the same. Today I wore one of the button downs from my school uniform and a pair of your old pants from school along with your shiny shoes. They were the best things I could find.”
“Wait- Reg… are those bandages?” Sirius asked. He must’ve felt them near Reg’s chest.
“Yes,” Regulus answered. He tried to keep his breathing even.
“That’s not safe to sleep in. Could you, could you please take them off? You could go to the bathroom and do it, or, I can’t see anyways.” He knew this wasn’t the safest method for binding, but he had to do something, damnit. Nonetheless, with great remorse, he decided to listen to his brother.
“Fine. I’ll do it here. Less hassle.”
Sirius then backed away from his brother before Regulus took his shirt off and began unwinding the bandages. It felt good, breathing properly again, though the sight of his own tits made him want to cut them off right here and now. He put on his shirt and curled into himself before he could go through with that.
“We can order you a real binder tomorrow! And then you can go get your haircut, and it’ll all be great,” Sirius told him after he was fully clothed again.
“What’s a real binder like?”
“I don’t know. You’d have to ask Lily’s friend Dorcas. They’re really cool.”
“Who’s Lily?”
“Only James’ childhood best friend that he was in love with for years until she told him she was a lesbian! She lives with the two of us and works at the café. She’s awesome you’ll love her.”
“Alright.” By this point, the two of them were getting really sleepy.
“Goodnight,- Regulus.”
“Goodnight, Sirius.”
They gripped hands, fell asleep, and maybe woke up a couple times from nightmares, but that was okay. They could fall asleep together again knowing the other one understood on some level what the other was going through. They would carry on like the tide on the water.
***
The morning came with the sun peeking in through the windows. Regulus sat up, squinting, before stretching out his arms. His movement must’ve woken Sirius because he was soon moving too.
“Good morning, -Regulus!”
“Good morning, Sirius.”
Sirius was now swinging his legs over the edge of the bed before standing up, contemplating for a second before speaking.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and, I think maybe you should get a wheelchair and allow your bones to heal.”
Regulus couldn’t help but burst into bitter laughter at this notion.
“Many of the breaks are years old! Do you really think they’d heal properly now?” Regulus asked.
“Even if they don’t, surely it would be better to not be in pain all the time, right? Or at least you could get crutches or something. Surely those would be much more stable than the canes you’ve been using.” Regulus did have to admit it; his canes were far from stable. With a crutch he would have more control, and if the pain got bad, he could hardly put any weight on his legs and still get around with those.
“I’m not getting a wheelchair. I can fucking walk, though the crutches are probably a good idea, I will admit.”
Seeing even that parcel of relief on Sirius’ face was like a breath of fresh air, though the dark feeling in his gut almost completely deflated that feeling.
“Alright! I’m gonna go freshen up, then you can freshen up, and then we can hit the interwebs and find some! Remus is probably in class by now, by the way, and probably won’t be back for a while. I think he works today too.” Class, huh? He had to drop out of school with his running away. It stung, but that sting was better than death by his mother’s hand. Maybe some day…
“Ok cool. Where does he work?”
At this, Sirius’ face instantly brightened.
“He works at Starry Night with me and Lily and Jamie! Its such a joy to work with my moonbeam all the time!” Sirius called as he walked out of the guest room and probably into the bathroom, practically prancing as he went.
Now Regulus had to motivate himself to get out of bed. What a stupidly hard task. He used to set his alarm so damn early just to give himself enough time to force himself onto his stupid legs and walk. Goddamnit. He didn’t want to take too long or else Sirius might get suspicious, so as soon as he heard the bathroom door open, he grabbed his canes, forced himself upright, and took his turn.
“Reginald! Come hither! Do any of these appeal to you?” Sirius asked as soon as Regulus was coming out of the bathroom. He must’ve heard the door open, or maybe his footsteps.
“My name’s not Reginald, but I’m coming,” said Regulus as he made his way towards the couch where Sirius was perched. Once he sat down and took a look at Sirius’ laptop, he saw several types of crutches ready to be purchased. Hmm. He’d have to look through these. There were all sorts of colors, all sorts of sizes, and many types. This was a lot for Regulus to handle, but he defaulted to his usual color of choice. He was grateful he found some in it that suited his small frame.
Of course, Sirius was beginning to grow restless.
“Reggiee! Have you found some?”
Reggie. Something about it felt repulsive to him. It sounded childish and he didn’t like it.
“Don’t call me that. Regulus or Reg is fine. Yes. I found black ones.”
“Very tasteful. Do you need my credit card?”
A poisonous smirk erupted onto Regulus’ face.
“Oh no. I will be using Mother’s for all my purchases until she cancels it.” There was a smugness to his words, as if they were the words of a dastardly super villain.
A similarly venomous grin began to take root on Sirius’ lips.
“Perfect. Want me to grab it for you? I assume it's in your bag,” Sirius asked.
“Oh no. I have those numbers memorized by now, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget them.”
“Perfect.” The black brothers now looked like two predators ready to strike, twin snakes circling around their prey.
“How about an online shopping spree, Reg? You do need a new wardrobe, after all,” Sirius suggested.
“Absolutely.”
The brothers spent the rest of the day searching through the interwebs for amazing clothes (and buying lots of amazing clothes). When Remus returned from work, he too joined in on the fun. All in all, it was a wonderful endeavor full of thrill. Although they didn’t know where to buy a binder (Sirius said he’d be sure to get him in touch with Dorcas soon), they did make sure to get Regulus some compression sports bras that would be good for when he couldn’t bind and at least some compression while he didn’t have a binder yet.
It was only by dinner time that the card began to stop working.
“Damn she must’ve canceled it,” Sirius remarked.
“Yeah,” Regulus responded.
“Well, we had a good run.”
“We sure did.” Oh the joys of online shopping. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be the only one there once the packages started arriving.
***
The next day, Regulus was alone in the apartment practically all day. He didn’t mind too much, though the empty time left him to his own worrisome thoughts. He couldn’t rely on Remus’ kindness forever. How was he going to support himself? With the state of his stupid body, who would even be willing to hire him?
“That café where your brother and his friends work,” a weird sing songy voice in his head supplied. Would they really, though? What could he even do there? It's not like he could be on his feet all day.
Remus Lupin’s extensive library of books was a great distraction from these thoughts. Frankenstein was a wonderful read as always and Hamlet got him thinking. He also spent a good bit of his time working on BSL. He needed to know his host’s language, damnit.
When Regulus heard the click of the door, he looked up from his book and saw a very cozy looking Remus. He wore a hat, gloves, scarf, big puffy jacket, the works, and now he had to take it all off. Geez, it was March, was it really that cold today?
“In like a lion and out like a lamb they say.” Remus told him through finger spelling. It took a second for Regulus’ brain to register what he was saying, but he eventually figured it out.
“Hopefully it will warm up soon,” Regulus responded. He did his best to sign where he could and spell where he couldn’t, so he was mostly spelling at this point but goddamnit he was gonna get there.
Remus nodded as he sat down on the couch next to Regulus. He then looked over at Regulus’ book and pointed to the title, East of Eden. When Regulus looked back up at his face, it seemed to be a question.
“Hadn’t read this one. Have been reading your books. Sorry.” Regulus answered. Only when he saw the smile that was now on Remus’ face did Regulus realize that maybe he didn’t need to apologize.
“You’re good. Figures. Its very American. I like the religious imagery.” As Regulus thought about it, those aspects of the book clicked into place. Adam, Charles, Aron, Cal… All of that was starting to click together in that moment. He was really enjoying the book because of how it explored family issues, personally.
“Cool.”
“What are your thoughts?” Remus asked. What were his thoughts… Regulus had so many thoughts. Many, many thoughts. He didn’t think he could make them make sense or be understood well by trying to finger spell them, but he also had no idea where he could find a pen or paper here.
As he glanced around, Remus quickly came to his rescue, offering a pen and a thing of purple sticky notes. The question was on his face, ‘need these?’
Regulus nodded in thanks as he took them, then beginning to write.
For a while more, the two of them sat discussing books before Remus had to attend to his studies and Regulus returned to his reading. They had a simple dinner of ramen around eight pm before both retiring to their rooms soon after. It was a quiet companionship, but Regulus found that he really enjoyed it. He really did like living here. Damnit, why did this have to be temporary?!
“Penny for your thoughts?” Remus asked before they both left for their rooms. Regulus had to take a second to parse out something coherent from his brain before he responded.
“I need a job.” Regulus thought this was all he needed to say. Surely Remus had seen his struggles over the past few days. Sirius probably told him about how he had to carry him too. God, how embarrassing.
“I’ll talk to James. I’m sure he could make something work.”
“How?” If Regulus couldn’t stand all day, how was he supposed to do anything in that coffee shop? What could he even do?
“I don’t know. I’m not James. He’ll figure it out.”
“Ok.”
And with that, Remus withdrew to his bedroom and Regulus thought maybe he could try and put a little faith in James. If he could help Sirius in his darkest moments, then surely… maybe. He couldn’t bank on it. He could only have a bit of hope that he would be able to work with his brother and all his cool friends.
***
The next day, the packages began to come pouring in. Regulus’ crutches along with several pieces of clothes came in! Regulus didn’t have to wear Sirius’ goddamn pajamas anymore! Yes!
The day after that, Regulus was sat in the living room with Remus’ copy of Frankenstein when he heard the lock click and watched Sirius waltz into the room.
“Reginald! Art thou there? Come with thee to thy shop! Hurry now!” Sirius exclaimed. Luckily, Regulus was already dressed so he didn’t have to change. He was a bit suspicious of what his brother had planned, but he really wanted to trust that it wouldn’t be shit.
“Alright, and don’t call me Reginald. Let me just grab my stuff and we can go.” Once Regulus did that (with a grace and ease he wasn’t used to), him and Sirius left Remus’ apartment and began walking to the café. It was a lot easier for Regulus to keep up with his brother this time, and once his legs really started to hurt, he was able to just hop along, putting as little weight on them as possible.
“…So the crutches were a good idea I take it?” Sirius asked. Regulus wanted to wipe that smug look off of his brother’s face. He hated it when Sirius was right.
“…Shut up.”
As they walked into Starry Night, Sirius was full of life.
“Jamie! Look who I brought!” Sirius proclaimed. The whole shop could surely hear him. Regulus felt bad for whoever was trying to work in here.
Somehow, James had more sense. Only as they approached the counter did James begin to talk to them. They bypassed the line…
“Wonderful. Regulus! Would you like to work here?” James asked.
Regulus was stunned. This was far from how he was expecting this day to go. Now just to some how respond…
“I- I can’t stand all day, James, how would I-“
“Shush. We’ll get to the details. Sirius, could you take my place at the till while Regulus and I discuss logistics?” James asked.
“Absolutely! My winning smile will be brilliant!” Sirius answered.
“Brilliantly annoying,” the red haired barista making drinks cut in. He could’ve sworn Sirius talked about her before, but he couldn’t remember her name. Only when she turned around and he saw her name tag did he recall she was Lily.
And then him and James were walking towards a table and Sirius and Lily’s bickering was forgotten. It wasn’t the amazing one near the fire since it was taken, but their spot by the window wasn’t terrible.
“So, if you didn’t have to stand for hours, do you think you’d be able to do the job? Wait, I don’t know if I phrased that right, well, its just your legs, right?” James asked. For some reason, he seemed a bit nervous, speaking quickly and fidgeting with his hands. Shouldn’t Regulus be the one who was nervous in this situation?
“Yeah, its just my legs. My arms are fine,” Regulus answered.
“Wonderful. Making drinks involves a lot of moving around, but I thought maybe if we get you a stool, you could man the till?” Oh. What a simple solution. He’d never seen anyone do that before, he thought- Well, as his legs slowly got to this point, he started to think of many things as impossible. Maybe he just needed to find new solutions. James Potter was smiling at him and sweating shit he really needed to respond.
“Yeah, I could do that. That would be great, though, I’m surprised you’re choosing to hire me rather than someone who could do more.”
“Ahh. Regulus, you see, we’ve tried hiring other people before you came along, but, the lot of them tended to be ableist arseholes or just not very agreeable, but, you’ve proven very quickly that you get it. Remus and Sirius approve and I’m sure you’ll get along with Lily,” James answered. Huh. Sounded like there was some arses he needed to kick. Next time he runs into one…
“And you, what do you think?” Regulus asked.
James’ face began to blush a bright crimson, though he did his best to keep smiling.
“Well, I’ve not spent much time with you, but, I think you’re neat! Sirius has also told me how hardworking you are and, I’m sure you’ll do well,” James answered. James Potter thinks he’s neat. Hmm. Maybe he’d figure out what to do with that later.
“Alright.”
After this, the two of them went over the paperwork and clearances Regulus would have to get through before he could start working. It was a bit of a hassle, but Regulus knew most jobs probably had something like this, so he suffered through it.
After this, James had to go back to his own job and Sirius came back to him.
“Reg! So, now that you’re able to return to the outside world, how about a haircut! That’s something you desire, I presume?” Sirius asked.
“That would be wonderful, yes,” Reg answered.
“Alright! Then let’s be off! I know just the place.” And with that, Sirius and Regulus were exiting the café and on their way to Sirius’ favorite salon. Sirius spent the first portion of their walk on the phone making sure they could get to Regulus before they continued onward.
“So, where are you taking me?” Regulus asked once Sirius was off of the phone.
“Only to the best of the best!” Sirius answered. Regulus had seen the best of the best before. His mother used to always pay over 100 pounds for his haircuts even though all she’d ever allow him to get was a stupid trim to get the dead ends off. It was very futile.
Safe to say, Regulus did not expect to be walking into a Super Cuts.
“Dorcas! Hello! This is my brother Regulus!” Sirius exclaimed as they walked into the Super Cuts. Standing at the counter was a beautiful person with dark skin, a purple buzz cut, and a warm smile. Regulus soon noticed the they/them pronoun pin on their name tag and made a mental note to remember that.
“Hey Sirius, nice to meet you, Regulus. What would you like me to do for you today?” Dorcas asked.
“I want it gone,” Regulus answered in a deadpan tone.
“How gone?” Dorcas asked.
In a sense, there was a picture in his head of what he wanted, but Regulus had no idea how to put it into the words. Instead, Regulus stared blankly at the floor in an attempt to prevent the shame from rising too high in his throat.
“Well, alright. How about I cut that braid off and we go from there. Sound good?”
Regulus nodded.
“Ok great. Follow me.”
And with that, Regulus followed Dorcas to a chair, they stuck the apron on him, and then they got to work. In the corner of his eye, Regulus could see Sirius in one of the waiting chairs with his earbuds in. He was glad that his brother would be entertained during this ordeal that would probably take a while.
Soon, Dorcas was taking his hair out of it’s braid and Regulus winced, closing his eyes.
“You hate it that much?” Dorcas asked. There didn’t seem to be any negativity in their question. All Regulus could hear in their tone was concern, maybe even a bit of pity.
“Yes,” Regulus managed to answer, though his voice came out a little hoarse. Goddamnit.
“Alright. I just have to put it into a ponytail so I can cut it off evenly and then I’ll get to work.”
Regulus could feel when they began cutting. It felt like jumping off a cliff. His whole life, his hair had been the same: disgustingly long. Now, he finally had freedom, and it tasted so sweet, but he could also feel himself holding his breath. Only when she finished cutting did he open his eyes.
Oh wow… it was right at his shoulders rather than down to his bum… and it framed his face so nicely and, oh fuck he was tearing up.
“Do you like it? Would you like a tissue?” Dorcas asked.
Regulus nodded as he tried his hardest to stop fucking crying. The tissue Dorcas handed him definitely helped. Only once he’d composed himself did Dorcas speak to him again.
“So, we got most of it off. How much shorter are you thinking?” they asked. To his relief, this was a question Regulus could easily answer.
“To somewhere around here,” he answered as he used his hand to mark out the spot, which was not too much above his ear.
“Ok cool. So, for the hair that’s below there, how closely cropped should I make that?”
This, Regulus had no idea how to describe. He could say he wanted the sides buzzed, but would that leave them too short? He could just have Dorcas go in and trim them a bit with scissors, or would that be too long? He had no idea how long he was staring into space before Dorcas brought him back to the world of the living.
“Well, if you don’t know, my best advice is that you can always ask me to cut it shorter, but I can’t make it longer.” This advice snapped Regulus out of his thoughts. It was practical, sound, and exactly what he needed to hear.
“Alright. Erm, maybe leave an inch or two on the bottom and we can go from there?” Regulus asked.
“That works. Just holler if I’m about to cut too much off.”
Regulus nodded, and then Dorcas returned to their work. He watched as they snipped the top bit, seeing how his hair reacted to the new length, before they moved onto the bottom bit. He did have to tell them to cut a bit more off a couple of times until he was satisfied, but because of their patience with his shit communication skills, he was able to come out of this feeling satisfied.
When he first saw himself in the mirror after Dorcas blow dried it, he felt as if he had ascended to heaven. He was smiling ear to ear.
Fuck. He was crying again. Well, it’s bound to happen when you finally see yourself in the mirror after years of seeing someone else.
“Oh Reg!” Sirius exclaimed as he came bounding over. Regulus was glad the space was open enough that Sirius didn’t have to worry much over bumping into things. “Do you like it? Can I feel it?”
“Yeah. Yeah go ahead,” Regulus responded. Thank the lord he managed to make his throat work amidst everything. With that, he swiveled the salon chair so that he was facing Sirius and he let his brother run his hands all through his hair. From anyone else, this would’ve been a terrible personal space violation, but he needed his brother to know and understand what he’d done with his hair. It was very important. Maybe it felt nice as well, but Regulus was never going to admit that to anybody.
“Aah Regulus! It’s awesome! Showing off our gorgeous wavy hair! It also really does feel like you. I’m really happy for you.” Sirius’ grin was big and bursting. Regulus could feel his own grin expanding as well.
“Thank you. I do really like it. Thank you, Dorcas,” Regulus responded.
“Of course. Are you two ready to pay?” Dorcas asked. At that moment, Sirius remembered.
“Wait! Before we go, could you help Regulus find a good binder to get?” Sirius asked.
“I don’t think I’ll have time right now. More customers will probably walk in soon and Gwen’s just started on that bloke over there, but if you give me Reg’s number I can totally help him later!” Dorcas answered.
“Ok splendid!” Sirius responded. And with that, Dorcas handed Regulus his crutches, the three of them headed to the counter, and Sirius paid before the Black brothers were out the door.
“Thanks again, Dorcas!” Sirius called on the way out.
“It was a pleasure, Blacks,” they responded before the door into Super Cuts closed behind the brothers.
“Wanna do anything else today, Reg?” Sirius asked as they were walking away from the salon.
“I wanna go home,” Regulus answered. After all the walking that day, his legs were starting to really feel it. So there was a limit to how much he could do after all…
“Fair enough.” Only then did Regulus register that he called Remus Lupin’s flat home. Well, he felt more at home there than he ever did at Grimmauld, but that didn’t mean it was anything but temporary. He really needed to beat that into his brain. Once he started working, he’d have to start creating a budget as well. How much would he save for rent? How much would he save for school? What about other expenses? For now, though, he hadn’t started yet. For now, all he had to worry about was making it back to his long lost lover, his beloved bed.
***
Regulus woke up feeling so stupidly nervous for his first day of work. What if he couldn’t do it? What if he immediately forgot how the till worked? What if he was so focused on getting the till to work that he scared off customers? These thoughts among others swam through Regulus’ mind as he prepared himself for work.
“Ready to go?” Remus asked him as he came into the living room.
Regulus nodded. He was scared what he might say if he tried to elaborate any more, although, it wasn’t like he could sign while using his crutches anyways.
Remus nodded right back to him in acknowledgement before holding open the door.
Thus, they were off to work. Conversation was minimal to zero. Remus was not yet properly caffeinated and Regulus didn’t have a way to communicate with him at the moment. It was fine. Regulus himself was tired (and very much overthinking) so it was fine. It was fine.
This was the phrase that Reg kept yelling into his head as him and Remus walked into Starry Night.
Something about seeing James’ smile calmed the storm raging in Regulus’ mind, even if only for a moment. He was waving his arms big and wide before he held up the stool he’d provided for Regulus. Right. Everything was going to be Just. Fine.
Once they made it behind the counter, Regulus took his seat on the stool and Remus began preparing ingredients behind him.
“Alright, Regulus! Now, I’m going to try to show you as much as I can of the system before we open!” exclaimed James as he typed some sort of log in into the device. “Ok, so here’s the username and that’s the password,” James continued as he gestured to the screen, and suddenly the screen was filled with many, many buttons signifying many different drinks.
“Take a minute to scan over all the names. We’ll be opening in a few minutes. I’ll take the first couple of orders so you can see what to do, but after that, I’ll just be keeping an eye on you and helping you along if you mess up,” James told him.
Regulus nodded before trying his hardest to scan over and memorize the locations of all the different drinks. This wasn’t nearly enough time to memorize them all, but it would have to do. Hopefully with time, they would all become muscle memory.
As Regulus watched James take the first couple of customer’s orders, he tried to observe everything that James was doing the best he could. He kept his face pleasant, he punched the order into the machine, hit check out, and then the customer paid with their card as James signed their order to Remus. This pattern continued. Remus, for his part, made each drink carefully. Regulus watched him make sure he added the precise amount of milk to a flat white before James had Regulus begin to man the till.
Serving his first customer was totally a normal experience and totally not something that made Regulus’ hands literally shake.
“Hello there, welcome to Starry Night! May I take your order?” Regulus asked the customer. He made sure to keep his smile big and his tone chipper. He needed to succeed.
“I’ll take a medium cappuccino, please,” the customer answered. Their own tone was much less chipper than Regulus’ own and their eyes looked dead, but with the clear lack in caffeine, Regulus couldn’t blame them. Shit shit shit, where was the cappuccino button? After spending a few seconds scanning over all the buttons, Regulus was able to find the cappuccino button and hit the size medium.
“Ok, that will be £3.75!”
The customer nodded before sticking their card into the reader, and then Regulus looked behind himself and began signing to Remus.
“M Cap,” he spelled. Damn, he wished he thought to learn all the coffee and tea signs before he began working here.
Luckily, Remus nodded and got to work. It seemed that he understood what Regulus meant.
Only then did Regulus notice James looking at him like he’d seen a ghost.
“What?” Regulus asked. His tone was back to normal along with his face. Did he do something wrong? What was James on about?
“That just, it felt like a completely different person. I’m impressed,” James answered. Oh. Of fucking course it did! Regulus wasn’t naturally that bubbly! Or happy! Or even that polite! That shit took effort!
“Thanks,” Regulus answered, not knowing how else to respond. Before their conversation could continue, another customer walked in the door, and Regulus was right back at it. Acting really was a full time job (well, this was his full time job now, but alas).
Once there was a lull in customers, James made Regulus show Remus his customer service act.
“Hello, Remus! How may I help you?” Regulus asked with that chipper in his voice. Although Remus couldn’t hear what he was saying, he was sure he could see the unnatural state of his face.
“Holy shit,” signed Remus upon witnessing Customer Service Regulus(™). His eyebrows were to the ceiling and the rest of his figure was frozen, until he started laughing that is.
“What’s so funny?” Regulus asked him.
This forced Remus to stop laughing and look up at him. He took a second before he answered.
“It’s weird seeing you like that.” He answered, spelling and signing so that hopefully Regulus would understand. For his part, Regulus understood just about all of it. There was no way he was gonna slouch on his bsl when that was his roommate’s language, a person that he literally lived with.
Regulus’ response to Remus’ comment was to shrug and move on. It wasn’t like Remus was wrong. He understood why this was so jarring for the two of them after all.
“The Blacks are natural born actors! Of course Regulus can do that!” Sirius explained to Remus that night at their apartment. He was over for dinner. Remus was venturing further into cooking (pasta!) and Sirius wanted to try his food.
“I’m sure you are. Just wasn’t expecting it is all,” Remus responded.
“Remus! Reggie can do anything!” Sirius exclaimed.
At this, Regulus began bitterly laughing, he could barely even walk, but he’d let his brother keep believing that.
“No, not funny! Yes you can!” Sirius retaliated. Regulus didn’t feel like getting into that conversation, so he just gave his brother a withering look and continued to eat his pasta. Unfortunately, Sirius wasn’t having it.
“Regulus. Your determination… I’ve seen it in action. I know that you can do anything you set your mind to, and I mean it. You might now have more obstacles than others, but I know you. I know you will push past them to achieve whatever it is you want to do. Okay?”
Blinking back the tears that were threatening to form, Regulus nodded.
“Okay.”
***
That night, Dorcas sent him the information and he was finally able to order a real binder! Because of Sirius’ harsh objection to his bandages, he’d just been wearing the compression sports bras he’d ordered, but such things, although they compressed, were not made to make the wearer look flat. For the past five of six years of his life (including this past week or so), Regulus was forced to deal with the burden of having tits.
A few days later, Regulus came home to find a package by his door. Normally, he would have left it for Remus to get, but knowing what it might be, Regulus put in the great effort of getting down to the ground and grabbing the package before taking the effort to get back up.
Thankfully he stood up just fine, but now he had to open and unlock the door. Hmm. This was going to take some effort, but he could do it. He was going to do it. Everything was Just Fine. He leaned his wrist on his crutch while unlocking the door with his one hand, grabbing both his crutch and his package with the other. Regulus somehow made it into the flat with this maneuver before he rushed to his bedroom to open the package that he now knew was his and probably the thing he really really wanted.
A binder was in fact waiting for him once he tore through the paper container. Part of him wanted to scream in excitement but he also knew that they had neighbors and thought he’d be considerate. He’d gotten rather plain looking ones, nudes and blacks that would blend in with his clothes. He didn’t care much for the aesthetics of the garments. The function was the important part.
Thus, Regulus tore his shirt and bra off as fast as he could before shimmying into one of the binders. They were all from the same brand and all the same size, so trying on one meant trying on all.
As he looked down at his chest, he could see the difference and it made him grin. Despite this, he knew that he had to look from another angle and put it to the test to see how effective it really was. Thus, he grabbed his shirt and headed into the bathroom to get a better look at himself.
He looked at his side profile in the mirror and really did see a profound difference. Perfect. He was grinning like a mad man now.
Once he put a shirt on, the bump of his tits was barely noticeable, but alas, it was still there. This would work for now, but he would have to pursue a more permanent solution to really satisfy his brain.
Even so, he was worlds away from where he began. His fifteen year old self never could’ve imagined him getting here. He got to truly be himself, a boy, now. Maybe, walking down the street, people would look at him and think he was a boy, or at least be unsure of his gender. How wonderful, how blissful. He felt his eyes begin to grow misty as he allowed himself to sink onto the toilet.
Knock knock knock…
Suddenly, Regulus was snapped out of his daze. Shit. That had to be Remus.
“You’ve been in there for a while, are you alright?” He heard from the other side of the door. That app was definitely the most practical means of communication for this situation.
With Remus on the other side of the door, he didn’t have much of a way to answer. Once he stood up and opened the door, he watched Remus spot his misty eyes in real time. Damnit. There was no use hiding it now.
Remus now ushered him to the couch before he grabbed a note book and sat down on it with him.
“What happened?”
That was a rather loaded question. Alas, Regulus still needed to answer it. As he wrote down a response in the notebook Remus provided, he hoped that he could be coherent. Expressing his thoughts and feelings was definitely not one of his strong suits. He wasn’t used to being able to express them either.
“I’m just a bit overwhelmed is all. I tried on my first real binder and I felt like my appearance was more connected to who I am inside, and I just, I feel excited that I might be perceived as something other than woman by strangers. The fact that I get to finally live as a boy after all this time is just amazing and seeing the changes in my appearance, it just makes me feel so much better.”
Immediately after reading this note, Remus wrapped Regulus into a warm tight hug, making sure to be careful with his legs.
Regulus melted into the touch, hugging Remus back just as tightly.
“I’m happy for you, Regulus,” Remus said after they let go.
“Thank you,”
Soon, Remus was making them both tea before he settled back down on the couch with Regulus.
“So, what is it like being trans? If you don’t want to answer or it feels invasive, that’s alright. I just want to better understand you and what you’re experiencing.” Although trying to explain would be a bit of a pain, Regulus felt like he was going to melt. The place this question was coming from felt so sweet. Since Remus also gave him such a good cup of tea (he already knew how to make it to Regulus’ liking!), he thought he’d might as well give him something in return.
“You know those toy blocks that little kids have that are different shapes that come with that thing with the holes that you stick them in? I am a star shaped block that a child has repeatedly been trying to shove into a triangle shaped hole, but everyone simply thinks I’m a triangle. No one can tell that I am a star, yet I know I’m a star and I don’t fit into this hole and everything feels wrong and I feel wrong and I just want to fit into a hole. It’s uncomfortable being shoved into the wrong hole. I think that’s as far as I’m going to get into it right now. I’m in a good mood.”
Remus laughed. Perfect. He could be funny after all.
“That’s fair. Well, I’m sorry you’ve been shoved into the wrong hole. I will do my best to help you feel like you’re in the right hole. If you ever need anything, just let me know.”
“Thank you. You too. I think I’m gonna finish this tea and then go admire myself in the mirror again.”
“Fair enough. I’ve got to read some more Paradise Lost, myself.”
“Oh don’t worry. I’ll be back eventually. You know I’m voracious.”
Remus nodded, Regulus finished his tea, and the rest of their day continued in a satisfying hum. He didn’t think living with Remus would ever get old. How was he ever going to live without it?