Chapter Text
It’s been a month.
One month, two days and 14 hours to be more specific. But who’s counting?
It has been a month since I moved out of my shared apartment and moved back with my parents. Truly I never expected any of this…
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“Why can’t you just make a damn decision?!” I hear him yell. I’ve never heard that tone used on me ever before.
I flinch back, tears already flowing down my cheeks. He storms past me, going to sit on the couch.
“I..I don’t know, '' I say, voice breaking. He's right, I can't make a decision. I don't know anything about what I want to do in the future. I put my head in my hands, shaking.
“I don't know anything. I don't know what i'm doing or why i can't decide. I'm sorry.” I say, still crying while standing in the middle of our living room.
“Look, I don't think I can keep waiting for you to decide about our future. I've tried but i'm…so tired of waiting.’ he pauses, “I um..i think we should take a break. Just for a little bit…Miyano.” I hear Sasaki, my boyfriend of many years, say. I don't process it for a minute.
“What? I mean if that's what you want to do..i'm willing to do it..”
I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything right, can i? Is all I'm thinking while I respond to him. I can't even keep my boyfriend.
“Yeah..yeah that's what's best for us right now.” Sasaki responds to me. I dont think ive ever cried so much before today.
The next thing I know, I'm packing most of my belongings and moving back to my parents house. I couldn't even look back at him, I was too ashamed of myself. I think I cried the whole 20 minutes to my parents house.
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As i'm walking to the convenience store to pick up some stuff for my mom, I could've sworn I saw Sasaki. I whipped my head around, trying to spot him but to no avail. God that's so embarrassing. to be surprised no one was there, and I admit I was slightly relieved.
I sigh, my shoulders slumping as I continue to walk. Eventually when i get there, i pick the things i need for my mom, picking myself up some coffee. I couldn't sleep last night. I was riddled with memories of me and him, us making out in my childhood bedroom. The same one I'm staying in now.
As I'm about to check out, I see a wide selection of cigarettes. Without thinking too much about it, I got the cheapest pack and a lighter. I pay for all my stuff and head out.
On my walk back home, the cigarettes feel heavy in the bag. While I don't particularly regret buying them, I'm more worried about what my mom would say. I know she's concerned for me, I don't want her to be. I sigh again, i'll just hide them in my jacket and head out when I give her the stuff she needs.
When I get home, I hand over the convenience store bag and tell her I'm going to go back out. She gave me this…sort of sad smile and said okay. Before heading back out, I made sure to give her a hug.
There's a few bars around that have outside smoking sections so I head over to one of those. I still have the can of coffee with me though because i don't like to drink anymore. Thats another long story… When I got to the bar, I headed over to the smoking section. I stand there, looking at my hand with the cigarettes in it. I take a deep breath and put one in my mouth, lighting it. I inhale the smoke. I instantly feel light headed, but i don't mind it? The taste is horrible sure but this is the most alive i've felt in a month.
I take a seat on the cold, hard concrete. Getting more and more used to the bitter smoke rolling off my tongue, I start to see raindrops on the asphalt near me. I'm lucky the smoking area is under an overhang.
I eventually finished the cigarette. When I do, I turn my attention back to the coffee can sitting next to me. I sigh and open the can, taking a sip.
Huh, what do you know? It's actually a good combo.
While sitting there in silence save for the rain, I get to thinking. It's only been a month or so since everything happened. I start to wonder if Sasaki is still living in the apartment or if he moved. We had so many good memories there. The first night we were in the apartment together was…one of the best memories I had.
God just thinking of it makes me start tearing up.
Before i know what i'm doing, i light another one. I sit there, listening to the rain, smoking and drinking my coffee. When i'm finished with both, i just sit. I listen to the rain.
At this point, I think it's around 11 o’clock.
I checked my phone, my mom had called me a few minutes ago. I call her back, apologizing for worrying her. I tell her I'll be home soon and hang up.
I walk home in the rain, feeling numb again. I think I start to cry but I'm not sure.
As soon as I get home, my mom hugs me, and I know she smells the cigarettes but she doesn't say anything.
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I'm sad to say this has become a habit. A bad one and I know it. But bad habits die hard.
I wake up, get coffee and go for a walk. Eventually I found a smoking area and have a cigarette. After that, i get another coffee.
I think I'm drinking too much. To be honest though, i don't really care.
This became my almost daily routine for the past six months.
That is until one day i'm sitting at my normal smoking place, on my second cigarette when i see a familiar face walk up to me.
What. The. Fuck.
“Mya- Miyano?” he says. He looks completely fine except for he hasn't died his hair? Meanwhile I probably look like absolute trash.
I've been too depressed to really eat anything, I think I'm thinner than I used to be.
“Oh uh, hi sasaki.” i say back to him, my voice shaking. Why'd he have to reappear when I'm at my lowest?
He looks slightly uncomfortable. I don't really blame him, i'm also uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure he doesnt think I notice but I can see him slowly take a deep breath.
“Uhm..i see you've taken up smoking. Are you, are you okay?” he asks this like it isn't obvious im not. But I guess I can entertain him until I have to go home.
“Nope, I'm not really.” I say in a monotone voice.
His brow furrows.
I don't give him a chance to reply because the words are spilling out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“I cant believe youd even ask that. Do I look even slightly okay?! You abandoned me for six whole months and by chance we meet again and you ask if i'm okay. You kicked me out because I couldn't decide about our future together." I take a deep breath and continue. “You know, these last six months have been hell for me. I can’t fucking sleep, eat or do anything.”
He looks like he has tears in his eyes.
“Look, i know what i did-” he starts but i cut him off.
“I do not want to hear it.” I say before storming off. When I'm a safe distance away, I stop and start crying.
I think I might be having an anxiety attack.
Breathe Yoshikazu, breathe.
I take deep breaths, using a technique my mom taught me when I was in middle school.
When I start to breathe normally again, I see Sasaki next to me.
He doesn't know when to quit does he?
“Miyano ... .I'm sorry.” that's all he says before handing me a piece of paper with his number on it as if I'd deleted it.
I didn't.
Later that night, I got a call from him.
God.