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Chapter Text

Jackie Taylor is a very good journalist.

According to some, the best investigative journalist of the last decade, although she would be the first to tell you she’s far from the best, but the ‘08 awards from the IWMF’s Courage in Journalism, the ‘14 IRE’s Investigative Reporters and Editors,  the ‘11 Philip Meyer award and the ‘20 Pulitzer say that she is very good at this job, at the very least.

Jackie Taylor takes her job very seriously – excluding her children who come above everything (an eighteen-year-old son and a sixteen year old daughter) she would say often that this career saved her life, and it did.

Because the seventeen-year-old Jackie – captain of the Wiskayok Yellowjackets who got a strained Achilles injury days before the day of the trip to Seattle – felt that her life ended that day in 1996 when the plane could not be found. 

When Shauna was not found.

Her first thought when she heard the news was that this is not how life was supposed to be, they were supposed to go and win Nationals and then they’d go to Rutgers and have a green and pink bedroom and do shit together and how do you miss something so big in the sky? Surely if there is no news, it is good news.

Except a week became a month and a month became three and three became six and six became ten and it felt like everyone was moving on except her and talking about shit homecoming (she didn’t go, and Jeff wasn’t feeling it either, he confessed not much later and Jackie told him she wished it had been him who went missing) and University admissions and even her parents were telling her it was time to process the loss, but missing is not dead and Shauna and the others can’t be dead and FUCK YOU MOM I AM NOT GOING TO RUTGERS WITHOUT SHAUNA! 

And she didn’t, but she got a pamphlet in her mail that found her having mixed feelings. Jackie wasn’t a great student – she was an okay student who worked hard when she had to, Taissa was a great student, and Shauna was a great student, universities should be lined up to meet them, but they were missing and they would have to conform with having a half-alive Jackie Taylor in their institution.

“Your mom has a point, dear.” Deb Shipman tells her – at this point, Jackie stayed more at Shauna’s home than hers, it felt like they were the only ones who kept faith about the Yellowjackets surviving “She just doesn’t know how to get it across.”

“I can’t leave, Deb.” Jackie insists, even though part of her mind has slowly begun to try to process an after and she hates herself for it “W-What if they find them? Shauna needs us if…”

If she ever comes back.

“Jackie, come with me. I need to show you something.”

She follows Deb to Shauna’s room – it had become Jackie’s room when her absence got too fucking hard to stand alone. Jackie never stayed more than one day because she wanted Shauna’s room to stay Shauna’s when she returned. Shauna's mom goes through Shauna’s desk and her things, and Jackie has to bite her tongue to hold the panic, of course, Shauna’s mom has a right to go through her things, even if her friend wouldn’t have liked it. Eventually, she shows Jackie an envelope that makes Jackie’s small eyes go wide.

Brown University.

If it had been before, part of Jackie would’ve been happy for Shauna, of course, but also hoped she would choose to stay with Jackie and go to Uni together, even if that was a little selfish. But Jackie could’ve maybe gone to another university in Rhode Island, and they could rent something together, they’d find a way. Now, the envelope smashes whatever is left of her heart in a profound feeling of sadness and guilt. Shauna was supposed to go to Brown, she most likely wanted to and was looking for a way to tell Jackie without hurting her feelings, and now she was missing.

“I don’t know when Shauna will be back, Jackie.” Deb tells her, and Jackie caught a glimpse of sadness as the woman’s eyes flicked through the Brown letter “I know that she is alive, I feel it, but when she comes back…we will need to fill her in on everything she missed, all the good things .” She gives Jackie a small smile “She would want you to.”

“I…I can’t go to Rutgers without Shauna, that just isn’t happening.” Jackie repeats the same point she did to her mother, but gentler, and sadder “But…I got a pamphlet in the mail and…”

And I got excited and I felt bad to get excited.

“What University, sweetie?”

“Boston.”

Deb looks surprised “Boston is kind of far.”

“It is.” Jackie agrees “But…”

“Oh, dear. Definitely . Go for it.”

And she applied and got accepted.

She took the advice to heart and memorized every lesson. It wasn’t easy at first, she didn’t even know she’d go for journalism till the end of her first semester. Shauna never fully left her mind, ever. She wanted to share with Shauna everything she learned, tell her how much she loved a career she wasn’t entirely sure she was fit for at first, and introduce her to her friends and future colleagues as this is Shauna, my best friend .

She wanted to tell Shauna what she had known for a while, but it took her half a semester as a freshman at Boston University, away from Wiskayok and her parents to confirm her suspicions: she was a lesbian and she wasn’t ashamed, but she was a bit scared because people could be cruel to people like her. The idea of being out to people from back home was scary, but she was certain Shauna would accept her no matter what.

She wanted to tell Shauna that Jeff told her about their little affair – and that Jackie unleashed all her hurt and anger at Jeff because he was there while she wasn’t, and she didn’t like him anyway. She wanted to tell Shauna that she was so heartbroken from her absence that it didn’t matter, so she didn’t have to feel bad about it. I forgive you, so please come back.

And Shauna came back, eighteen months later (alongside Travis, Nat, Tai, Misty, Van, and Lottie) all skin and bones and calloused hands Jackie held while she was asleep because she got sedated like a wild animal in a way that made Jackie angry and sad because sometimes she woke up screaming and then would just inject her and go back to sleep. She is a person please treat her gently , she’d beg the doctors, and Jackie struggled to notice the obvious sometimes, but even for her it was clear that things wouldn’t be the same, and Jackie knew the way Shauna's smile felt forced and it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

( “Boston?” Shauna repeated, her voice groggy “That’s too far.”

“You need to come to visit me when you get better,” Jackie said, kissing Shauna’s forehead “We can live there together if you want to, I’m sure Harvard would want you.”)

And when Jackie and Shauna fell apart – entirely Jackie’s fault – Jackie had a career to throw herself onto to avoid self-destruction. Thesis. Essays. Books. Internships overseas. She wrote and read a lot, and wrote and read even more when she got a Masters's in Reporting.

As long as people had a story they wanted to share, Jackie would listen to them and write about it. Her first nomination for an award was when she wrote about a woman who killed her violent husband to protect her kids and how she did not regret it, even if it ended up with her being isolated from the community she grew up to the point she had to change her name and move to another state. She used an alias while speaking to Jackie, of course, and modified her voice to protect her privacy.

She’s currently writing a book – a compilation of stories from the point of view of children of different ages who have been in difficult situations, it’s something that touches her heart, both as a mother and as a daughter. There’s this girl that she interviewed that could’ve easily been Jackie if her mom had discovered she was gay instead of Jackie coming out on her own. She got kicked out and had to defend herself in a world she did not fully understand. These stories enrage her, but they must be heard, even if nobody likes to see them suffering, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

But man, she is super behind in the deadline – moving again so she is closer to her publisher, getting calls from her boss, enrolling her daughter in school, and calling her son every night before dinner will cause that to you. Jackie really doesn’t need more stress than she has.

And then, of course, her phone rings, and the number makes her stomach twist – but she cannot say no or ignore it. Maybe she should ignore it, she's been happiest and most successful when she keeps that at bay.

But she can’t say no to this woman, there’s a reason why she gave her a personal number instead of being reached through her assistants.

“Taissa.” Jackie greets “How’s the family?”

“ Hey Jackie, they are doing well. Thank you for asking.” Pleasantries aside, Tai always gets direct to the point “Do you mind if we get some coffee tomorrow?”

Sorry, Tai, I’m already behind on this and my editor will kick my ass if I keep delaying it. Sorry, Tai, my daughter has something tomorrow. Sorry Tai, I have to pick up my son from the airport and this is a lie because he started college a week ago and you’d know this because Simone follows him on Instagram.

Yeah, like she’d buy any of those excuses.

“Sure thing, tomorrow at 9 at my place then?”

A lifetime ago, when she gave her last pep talk and was saying goodbye to her teammates who were supposed to go to Seattle, Jackie Taylor put the captain armband on Taissa Turner’s arm before hugging her goodbye. The message had been clear: do what you have to do , Taissa had been sub-captain as long as Jackie had been captain, so it was normal that in her absence Tai would assume leadership.

True, she didn’t expect the plane to crash and her friends to be dead or missing for 18 months, but the point remains.

They lost contact shortly after the rescue, but they met again in New York when Jackie was doing her masters in New York and Taissa was studying in Columbia, they’d often met at lesbian bars.  They’d been aware of each other's existence, of course, gay people always knew each other, it had primarily been glances, mods, and vague acknowledgments, nothing else. Jackie hadn’t been there, so she couldn’t be part of whatever bond they developed in Canada and her fallout with Shauna meant that they probably thought Jackie was untrustworthy, that they thought she would sell that knowledge to get fame or whatever. 

(Nothing more removed from the truth. What she did was wrong, and regrets it every single day, but it kind of hurts that they think she’s that kind of person.)

But one night at Cubbyhole, she found a tipsy-ass Taissa talking to a girl, which it’s kind of obvious at a lesbian bar, but the problem had been the girl she was talking to. 

So she pretended to be this affective, drunk girl as she greeted and hugged Tai away to the restroom. Taissa was pissed off and asked her what was going on.

“I know that girl, she’s been with me too, she’s a Yellowjackets nutso. So is that redhead you've been eyeing on.”

The statement sobered Tai up, and they’ve been in contact since then. 

It’s not entirely friendship , but Jackie would be lying if it was merely professional . Of course, it is always good if you are getting into politics to have a journalist on your side (even if Jackie’s specialization tended to not be on political journalism unless it was whistleblowers coming to speak with her) and Jackie had a lot of colleagues in the media. Jackie tries her best to stay out of anything related to that topic , but it is not a sin to put a good word for your ex-classmate so they don’t grill her with questions that have little to do with her career.

(“And you know, it’s really hard to find politicians that actually try to change things. What is more important, Alice? Her politics for New Jersey or conspiracy theories?”)

Or, to tell them how to handle nosy journalists, it’s not too different to give tips for a job interview. Taissa did give her an invaluable tip when she was researching that politician in her party over corruption and was backed by what the whistleblower had said. Shit, the last time she spoke to Shauna (almost seventeen years ago) it was because Taissa vouched for her to be trustworthy. There is a very good relationship between both of them.

That being said, there are limits that Jackie will not cross.

“I’m running for Senator this year.” Taissa says as she takes a bite of the cookie “We’ve set up a campaign and all.”

“I’ve heard they call you the queer Kamala , I can hear her laughing from here.” Jackie grins “Coffee or tea?”

“Tea, if you don’t mind, how are your kids?” 

“Well, Michel is in Boston, he’s going to BU to pursue dancing and theater.”

“Legacy admission? You’re a part of the problem, Taylor.” 

“I’ll think about it if I have a grandchild going to the same institution.”

“Simone showed me a picture of Elisabeth on Michel’s Instagram, she is just like you when you were that age.”

The compliment makes her smile, motherhood isn’t an easy road, and sometimes it’s hard to understand one another – perhaps in her case not because she cannot relate to Elisa, but because she does at times and her daughter can’t see that yet. Nevertheless, Jackie loves her Princess and has always been open with her love and despite the typical arguments between parents and children, she knows her daughter loves her back.

But admittedly, she thinks she is hiding something.

Elisabeth Taylor should’ve been raising hell because she has always hated how Jackie moves a lot for work reasons, and she always takes her kids with her. She tries to give them permanence, but as a single mother, she doesn’t like to be away from them for too long unless she has to ship them out of the country with their well-being. Starting in a new school in her junior year had been something Jackie didn’t want to do, her daughter deserved to graduate with her long-time friends, Jackie’s job called and they had to move again.

There should have been crying and yelling about the unfairness of it all with Jackie trying to calm her down. Jackie knew it was unfair, Elisa wasn’t as outgoing as Michel, and that’s why she always tried to stay in a place for her to be comfortable, but sometimes work got in the way. She’s a good reporter, but she wishes she was less good, it’s the only part of her job she resents.

But , she has just shrugged and said cool which means she has something hidden, but Jackie will get to it, eventually.

“I think they miss each other, but Elisa won’t admit to that.” Honestly, as much as they fight, her kids are very close to each other, it happens when you’re a family of three “So, what can I do for you, Tai?”

“It’s about…conspiracy theories.”

“ Taissa.”

“Jackie, please hear me out.”

The request isn’t crazy – and Taissa does give her the option to step back, it’s a private investigation to make sure the people working for her aren't interested in working with Taissa for the wrong reasons. 

Not too different from what they’ve been doing for years now. 

“Are the others okay with you running for office?”

“You tell me, you’re the one keeping tabs on them.”

“At your request.”

Taissa sighs “Shauna won’t be happy, but I can’t let that define me. I want this. I want to make a difference and make my son proud of me.” And Taissa looks Jackie in the eye “It’s not a lack of trust, but if they got new partners or anything”

“Nothing of the sort. Lottie is running a spiritualist cult though.”

“…Should we worry?”

“It's not easy to find information about them, but they aren’t dangerous. The others remain the same, but I can update my sources.”

“Great.” Taissa takes another sip of her tea “I wouldn’t ask you this if I didn’t need to, but you’re the only person that works with media that I trust, Jackie.”

Jackie thinks it’s well-meaning, but sort of naive, to think the crash didn’t define them – Jackie’s relationship with her ex-classmates has been defined by her not being on that plane, for good or for bad.

The Yellowjackets question had been something Jackie had always refused to touch on, despite her openly good relationship with Taissa Turner being public, any request to touch on that had been met with a no . Conflict of interests and all that. She’s a good journalist, but careers have never been more important than people.

She lived mostly a good life being away from it – other than the occasional what do you think happened back then? Or do you keep in contact with them? and those questions are met with I got no time for conspiracies and some of them, yeah but after her fallout with Shauna, she traveled a lot for both study and work. Her kids were mostly protected from it till a certain point, almost ignorant, or that’s what Jackie wanted to believe.

As it happens, kids are the smartest creatures on earth – so smart they learn languages faster than an adult, and they know how to ask the right questions, sometimes they are better than Jackie who pursued a degree to learn how to ask good questions.

“Mom.” 9-year-old Michel said, not even bothering to look up from his console “You know what happened, don’t you?”

It’s funny how all her colleagues asked her the wrong question when this was the one they should’ve asked. Not what do you think but rather do you know?

And the truth is that she knows , it would be one thing if she had suspicions (why are all the survivors seniors? How and why?) and perhaps she did a little investigation on her own in Los Andes case because it was the case they all compared it to when the girls and Travis returned, and with Los Andes case came the allegations.

Jackie wasn’t even a journalist back then, but she was a journalism student, but to protect Shauna, she needed to know what she was covering for.

(What she was – is – willing to destroy and hide evidence for, if there is any.)

And perhaps there was some sick curiosity to know what had happened there, Jackie won’t act like she was above that when she was twenty back then, but she just needed to know what happened to Shauna back then, and maybe a selfish part of her wanted to know if maybe…

If maybe Shauna liked her in that way too.

The knowledge ended up costing her a friendship and gave her a burden to wear. The burden of protecting people she barely has a relationship with or straight up doesn’t speak to. She is good at her job, good at digging bullshit that could destroy a person’s career. It had been key for Tai when her career started and she began getting questioned left and right that she had some ammo against her political enemies when they tried to use cannibalism as a gotcha. It’s Jackie who spent hours and hours rereading speeches to make sure there was no slippery slope. It’s thanks to Jackie that these rumors have mostly been attached to conspiracy or podcast fodder.

In other words, she’s been given the task to lie for them to get a chance at a decent life.

“Can’t answer that, baby.” She had answered, ruffling her son's hair, curly dark brown “Conflict of interests.” 

She might not be that good of a journalist after all, not when it comes to the Yellowjackets.

But there are more important things, regardless.

Jackie Taylor is a very good researcher — she has to be in her career, but in the private side of her life, she keeps it to a minimum.

She knows that her kids have private accounts and she has zero interest in following them – her kids deserve privacy and she learned what happens when you read what you are not supposed to when she read Shauna’s diary. Don’t get her wrong, she taught them about internet safety since they were very little (don’t tell them where you live or your real name or your number) but she doesn’t mind if they have online friends, but as long as Elisa wants to meet one, then her brother has to escort her.

Jackie likes to have a good relationship with her kids’ friends – having a good relationship with Deb Shipman quite literally saved her life, so she tries to apply the same with her kids, and they are mostly good, mostly.

“He fucking slept with my boyfriend, ma!” her son repeats, for the 5th time “He slept with my boyfriend that —“

Well, except for things like this.

She intended to make a quick run to Whole Foods with Elisa when suddenly Michel decided to FaceTime and let them know about his most recent drama: his best friend was sleeping with his boyfriend and Michel caught them in the act. The boy had been Michel’s friend since fourth grade, and the friendship had survived their constant moving thanks to the power of playing videogames together and iPhones. It is not like him to do shit like this.

Well, then again she thought the same about —.

“You no longer have a room, we already put it for rent.”

“You’ll never find someone, Elisa!”

“This is why Victor fucked Oli…”

“Elisa!” 

“What! I never liked him anyway.”

“Might be your only good opinion, he can go to hell”

“Michel!”

“ I’ll be there by the weekend, at least I know the women in my life won’t FUCKING SLEEP WITH MY BOYFRIEND UNLIKE THAT F—“

“Michel, we are in a Whole Foods !” Jackie begs, people are starting to look at them. Shit, is this like a family curse or something? Your best friend sleeping with your boyfriend curse? “Can’t this wait until we get home?”

“ NO!” Well, certainly her baby boy has a talent for acting with all this drama on his body “EVERYONE IN WHOLE FOODS NEEDS TO KNOW THAT FRIENDSHIP DOESN’T MATTER AND LOVE DOESN’T MATTER AND —“

She’s in the middle of hearing her son’s dramatic monologue when she accidentally hits another cart with hers, and in the small impact, her phone goes flying. You know what they say about driving and texting (or talking, in this case).

“What the fuck!” The poor person who Jackie hits exclaims, Jackie hasn’t met their eyes yet but they sound familiar, she’ll figure it out later after she finds out where the fuck her phone fled to “Watch where you go — Jackie?”

No fucking way.

Jackie looks up.

“Shauna?”

And fuck, it is.

Laughter lines near her eyes and perhaps some extra weight, but this is Shauna alright, surprised at the sudden reunion mixed with the annoyance of a person who (Shauna assumes, she loves assuming shit when it comes to Jackie – like that shit she wrote about her in her diary that had hurt as much as the fallout) can’t leave her phone alone for a second. She looks like she works a corporate job, a white-collar one, far away from the writer she wanted to be when they were teenagers. 

The last time she met Shauna it hadn’t been terrible , they had met in the celebration of the life of a friend in common and despite Jackie knowing she might face the Yellowjackets there, she still went with 10-months old Michel, because she owed it to the person who had passed away, judgment from them be damned.

As it happens, it hasn’t been an awful idea, because the first thing Natalie said when Jackie walked on had been holy shit, Taylor, is that a baby? And everyone had been delighted about the baby, he went to be in everyone’s arms, from Van to Tai to Natalie (who was drinking so it made Jackie a little nervous) to Misty (somehow this made her more nervous than tipsy Natalie) while he giggled happily at meeting new people regardless of the gloomy situation.

Jackie had offered Shauna to hold him if she wanted to, and she held him – shorter than the others, but she did. Jackie apologized, Shauna accepted, and that was the end of it.

They wouldn’t have talked if it hadn’t been through a 10-month-old baby who has now an 18-year-old boy who was still on call, Elisa grabbed her phone and was now arguing with her brother instead. 

“Hey, Eli.” A voice behind Shauna says, a bored teenager with long hair and blue eyes – Shauna’s kid, beyond a doubt. 

“Hey, Cal.” Elisabeth greeted with a wave “Michel is crying on FaceTime.”

“Hey, Michel.”

“ Callie! You won’t believe what just happened!”

Wait. What?

Do these three know each other? And Shauna looks at her like do not ask me, I’m as confused as you are.

“ Cal, my piece of shit best friend slept with my boyfriend.”

“No fucking way!” The girl (Callie, cute name) exclaimed, ignoring her mother’s watch your mouth! She’s resting her arm on Elisa’s shoulder, clearly into the conversation “Who does that?”

(Jackie can’t help but let out an amused smile that Shauna catches and her deadly glare makes Jackie’s smile grow bigger. As if I ever gave you shit, I forgave you faster than immediately. )

“ Sociopaths, that’s who! And do you know what’s the worst? When I confronted him, fucking Oliver said I was self-centered! Which I might be! BUT HOW THAT GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO SLEEP WITH MY —“

Jackie takes the phone off her kid’s hands, ignoring the girls’ complaints, and promises she will call him when they get home.

“Sooooo…that was a bit loud and awkward, my apologies.” Jackie gives Shauna and Callie her best I’m sorry smile “Um, Elisa, this is Shauna we —” There is not a single word that could describe what Shauna was to Jackie, but it’s better to settle for a distant definition: “We went to school together. Shauna, this is Elisabeth, my daughter, the one who was yelling is Michel, you’ve met him before.”

“This is Callie. Callie, meet Jackie.” And Shauna’s eyes go from Callie to Elisabeth “And…you know each other.”

“Yeah,” Callie said, not elaborating on how or why , Elisabeth just shrugged, not particularly interested in explaining how they know each other. Callie crosses her arms, as she puts two and two together  “Wait…Elisabeth Taylor…Jackie Taylor…wait…your mom is the Jackie Taylor, the journalist?”

“That 's me.” Jackie smiles, extending her hand “Nice to meet you.” 

Callie shakes her hand “My mom has your boo…”

“Actually, we  have to get going.” Shauna interrupts, with a polite smile that was almost real and a nod “It was good to see you, Jackie.”

“Yeah, likewise,” Jackie said, her arm around Elisabeth’s shoulder. 

“Bye, Cal.”

“Bye-bye, Eli.” 

Well, that was the most awkward Whole Foods meeting ever, but the grin Shauna’s daughter sent to Elisa’s was hard to miss, especially because Elisa grinned back once Shauna had turned her back on both.

Oh, this young lady owes her an explanation.

Jackie Taylor is a good journalist, some might say she’s the best of this decade, she is a very good researcher, and she thinks she got a good hunch for when it comes to exclusives – she worked for CNN for a while, after all. Yet, never in her wildest dreams, had she imagined there was a possibility that she met Shauna again in a Whole Foods of all places.

Let alone discovering in that whole foods that her daughters not just were aware of each other’s existence, but that they were on friendly terms – and if you ask Jackie, they must be relatively close friends. 

A trip to Hot Topic and Sephora is enough for Elisa to explain without a need for an interrogation.

Elisa was a huge fan of Victorious growing up, so naturally, she was a big fan of Ariana  Grande and as a consequence ended up in a chat full of fans of the singer, and Callie was there, and once the chat got nuked for some internalized drama you don’t need to know, mom, it was dumb they began to DM each other. They went to DM each other to be Instagram friends and then they gave each other their phone number. 

“Remember that concert where I told you I wanted to meet an internet friend and you told me to take Mikey with me? Well, it was with Callie and her friend Ilana, that’s where Michel knows her from.”

Honestly, Jackie is kind of relieved, her daughter wasn’t upset about moving because she would have friends that she would go to school with, which skips the re-socialization stage almost entirely. 

It should surprise her – perhaps even amuse her, that her daughter and Shauna’s found a way to each other through the internet, but it doesn’t. She met Shauna’s daughter for less than five minutes, but that is all she needed to know that in an ideal world, Callie and Elisa should’ve been friends since they were on their respective wombs. Should’ve learned how to talk and walk together. 

Jackie raised these two kids all on her own, and she thinks she did a good job at it, they are good kids even if a bit dramatic (just like her, unfortunately) but that doesn’t change that sometimes she liked to imagine Michel’s dark hair came from someone she loved instead of a donor and honestly it would’ve been nice to have someone help with the whole parenting thing, when she was younger she thought that she and Shauna…

( “What are you doing?” Shauna had whispered once she caught Jackie in the act and the way she whispered it sent a shiver down Jackie’s spine, on her children’s life, she thought Shauna was going to kill her that night.) 

“Mom?” Elisa asks “You alright?”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m fine, Princess.” Jackie smiles, holding Elisa’s bag of new clothes neither of them particularly needed, but Michel will be back for the weekend and Elisa deserved some quality time with her mom “I don’t think I need anything else, but do you want to drop by Kung-fu tea before we go home?” 

“Sure.” 

She fucked up 20 years ago, and she will always regret it, but there is no worth wondering what ifs, she has a life that isn’t perfect – but she got a job that she loves, and she’s found good partners through the years even if they have always gone on separate ways and that still are friends through Facebook, and she has two wonderful children. 

The girl who lost her other half at a plane crash never imagined life would be like this, fulfilling, wonderful, happy . That has to mean something. It does.

“Elisa.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Love you, Princess.” 

Elisabeth rolls her eyes “Ewww, mom. I love you too.” 

If Elisabeth Taylor listens to one more Facetime of relationship drama, she will blow up this entire town once her mom is out of the city. 

As soon as she got home, she spent two hours talking to Michel about a plan of revenge to fuck up his ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend (and Michel annoys her, but when it comes to others, it has always been her family aka mom, bro and Elisa vs the world) before Michel comes to stay over the weekend, the details of the revenge cannot be known but it involves Michel stealing Oliver’s long-desired man and then coming back for a weekend. Physical violence was discussed, like beating them with Mikey’s hockey stick for so long it broke in half on Oliver’s head, but it wasn’t worth calling their mom to campus in Boston, she’s a very busy woman. 

Then, she had to listen to Callie rant over some jock boy she should’ve left months ago and Elisa had been telling her that idiot wasn’t worth it for over a year, sure, she hasn’t met him yet because she’s starting school next week, but Callie had told her she was an idiot and who is she going to give the benefit of the doubt? A jock she’s never met but was the kind that her mom dated when she was a closeted teenage girl in the 90s or her friend since they were 13 years old? (thanks Ariana).

“Anyway, did you find it?” 

“ Yeah, it’s the one.” Callie giggles “ She got it in her closet in her room, as long as we get back on time, I don’t think she’ll realize.” 

“I found my mom’s too in her old shit too.” Honestly, her mom will be out of town that night, and Michel will be at home, so he can drive them back before Callie and Elisa’s moms notice that they went to a party without permission “Number 9. We are matching outfits then?” 

“You bet! Halloween isn’t ready for the Yellowjackets. I tell you, Johnson’s parties are to die for.” 

Elisabeth isn’t a party animal, that title goes to her brother, but even when she’s more introverted, it doesn’t mean she will say no to having fun. 

Even if the fun is half an hour by car, in a town her mom refuses to speak of and hasn’t stepped foot on in eighteen years. 

Chapter Text

He looks a lot like her, Shauna thinks. 

She supposes she is biased – being her mom and all, but there’s almost no Jeff on him except maybe his blue eyes, and even then, they are almost green. Maybe his eyes will become darker later, she knows that when Zeke was born, his eyes were green like Dad’s, but then became brown like hers as he grew older. 

Shauna wonders if babies are meant to be this small, or this thin, when her little brother was born, he had rounded cheeks and a curious look and would cry a lot. Her baby is wise beyond his years, a really silent one, and only cries if he needs it, she supposes he understood where he was born. The inherent darkness of this place. He’s a nice kid, perhaps that is why he always cries in Shauna’s arms but loves being in Taissa’s or Natalie’s. He also liked to be on Akilah’s until…

Until…

Well. 

But today, he is just looking up at Shauna with curiosity, closing his little hand around her fist. Sometimes it feels like he can read her mind, maybe he knows that he should not exist, that he is a product of jealousy and the worst kind of betrayal. Perhaps that is why they aren’t connected the way they should. 

But if he can read her mind, then he should know that she loves him despite all.

“When we get rescued.” Shauna tells him, even if in her mind is more of an if than a when “You’re gonna meet your bubba, she’s gonna love you. Your uncle…your uncle too, he likes to annoy me, but that’s his personality, he will love you too. He will be happy to have another boy in the family.”

Sometimes, she wonders how much time it has been, she doesn’t know how old she is right now, but her brother was five years younger, and he was eleven the last time she saw him. He always preferred comic books, his PlayStation, and the arcade over anything else, but sometimes they would go to the arcade together and have a lot of fun – even Jackie went sometimes, even when she thought it was nerdy at first, but once there she didn’t want to leave. When they fought, she always called him a ‘weird little freak’, but straight up grabbed an older kid by the shirt when they tried to mess with him. 

Who is protecting her brother while she is gone? Sure, he has never been a crybaby, he always was himself no matter what (Jackie would always say this was an amazing trait to have) but was your average slender, nerdy, brown-haired Jewish boy from New Jersey. She can’t help but worry that someone is trying to mess with him or tear his drawings in half. He would probably tell her to mind her business and that he could handle himself, but for Shauna, he would always be the five-year-old who forgot to draw dad but drew Jackie in a family picture because Jackie was always in their house and therefore a member of the family.

Javi was a few years older than him, perhaps that is why she reached out to him. When he died, she had to put on her blindfold, because when she saw Javi’s lifeless body that she had to chop, she saw her brother instead. Even after the body was beyond recognition.

“And you know…there’s another aunty you haven’t met yet.” He has four aunties and Misty, but Shauna thinks his favorite one would be…“Her name is Jackie, she is…she’s my best friend. She…” 

She is probably at Rutgers, at a sorority, and probably thinks Shauna is dead. She remembers her frustration when she injured her Achilles, all they worked so hard and she wouldn’t be able to be with the team. She remembers her giving Taissa the captain's armband, giving everyone a pep talk, and giving Shauna a tight hug that Shauna didn’t deserve. 

It’s probably for the best that she isn’t here.

But without her – without her guidance, without her judgment, Shauna has felt the intoxicating taste of freedom that not even regret or blood can wash away. She tries not to think what Jackie would think of her if she saw her again. A monster. A backstabber. A horrible friend. Perhaps Laura Lee was right, they sinned, and that is why they are here. 

But she knew Jackie had a good heart behind all the preppyness and sometimes bossiness. A sensitive one, even, always trying to please, even people who didn’t deserve it like her parents. If she found out who her child’s father was…

Tai promised her she wouldn’t talk, none of them would, it’s their secret. Yet secrets are why they are in this situation, she would be honest. Own up to her mistakes. Jackie wouldn’t owe her anything, especially not forgiveness, but she could take all the hate on Shauna if it meant her baby was spared from any bad feelings.

“Shauna!” Tai is running in her direction, Van behind “Shauna! They found us! People found us!”

—- What? 

Are they —-?

“Are we going home?”

“Yes! We did it, Shauna, we did it!” 

Taissa traps her in a hug, and Shauna carefully returns it, trying to give the space to the baby to breathe. She never expected to be as close to Tai as she is now. She doesn’t know if she would’ve survived otherwise. It’s completely different from her friendship with Jackie, where they felt an extension of each other. With Tai they are equals, but supportive. Even when shit got bad, Tai always reminded her that someone was waiting for her, and that’s why they are staying alive. 

“You heard that, baby?” Shauna smiles down at him — he’s sleeping “We’re going home! You’re gonna meet your family!”

And he will be able to eat like a baby deserves, to learn how to walk in a safe environment, to have a lot of toys and a comfy cradle. Mom will help her so he is a good kid, she is sure of…

“Tai?” Shauna frowns “What is wrong?”

Tai’s eyes are filled with tears “Shauna, honey…” 

“What?” She asks, both defensive and worried “What is wrong?”

“Shauna, he…he isn’t here.”

Shauna thinks that is ridiculous, of course, he is here – sure, it was a difficult birth, but he is still here. He’s a survivor, her son and…

She looks down and the blanket is empty, with stains of blood on it, Shauna looks up, and Tai and Van have tears in their eyes and blood around their mouths. Shauna takes a step back, trips with a rock, and fails, and looks at her hands, there is blood on them, the blanket now is red instead of blue and she cannot hear anything other than a baby cries.

She screams.

1998, New York, New York.

She wakes up in a white room, and the distant baby cries disappear once she closes her eyes and opens them again.

The light almost blinds her, she shuts her eyes again and opens them slowly this time. One. Two. Three. There are shadows – no, women in blue wearing masks. Humans. Nurses. Like her mom. They ask her some questions but it is almost as if she has forgotten how to speak, but when they ask her if she is Shauna Shipman, she nods. 

She remembers getting on the helicopter, and then a smaller hospital in Canada – a lot of noise, she thinks it was Lottie screaming. They tried to touch her too, and she began to resist, and then everything went white and now she is here. She can hear the sound of cars distantly. She looks at her hands and then stares at the nurses. They seem to know better than starting physical contact, unlike those in Canada.

“You’re in New York, Shauna. New York’s Presbyterian Hospital, you are from New Jersey, correct?” Shauna nods slowly, and the nurse continues talking “We’ve spoken to your family, they are on their way.” Her voice softens at Shauna’s confusion “Your mom and your brother are on your way, sweetie. Rest while they arrive here, can we take your vitals?” 

Shauna figured it was a way to calm her down – they were going to get her vitals anyway and when she tried to move she felt heavy. She doesn’t feel any danger, so she silently stares at the nurses. There was an IV on her arm when she woke up. They thank her for being cooperative. She overhears something about  re-feeding  process and  deficit  and terms she has heard before but doesn’t really understand right now.

Your mom and your brother are on the way.

Shauna wonders if this is a dream, there are never doctors in her dreams. Nor do her arms hurt as much. She hates the white of the hospital, but this shit hospital bed is the most comfortable she’s been since Ben burned the Cabin. She should ask how Taissa is feeling and where she is, but the words do not come from her mouth.

“Your mom is here, dear. Are you ready?”

Shauna nods.

But she wasn’t ready at all. 

“Shauna!” 

It’s her first words after returning to civilization, and they are the same first words she probably said as a baby.

“…Mom?” 

“Oh my God…” Her mom is whispering, but Shauna can see her shaking. Zeke is right behind her. Shauna tries to reach out to her, but her body betrays her, and her back doesn’t want to leave the comfort of her bed. Her mom comes to her slowly, she’s trying to not cry, but her voice breaks halfway “My baby…my Shauna…how are you feeling?”

She’s had dreams where she is back, of course, when she wakes up at her house and mom is making breakfast and her brother has his annoying friends over, but this is the first time the dream gets that far – her mom’s face doesn’t twist in hatred over how terrible she is or becomes a skull or suddenly disappears. Shauna doesn’t know what to say, her words are stuck in her throat and all she can say is the word  ‘mom’ . Her hug is sweet and delicate as if it might break her if she hugs her a bit tighter. It takes her a while to remember how, but she hugs back and dreads the dream might end when the hug ends. 

It doesn’t. 

This isn’t a dream. 

This isn’t a dream because her brother never has the random and unfair growing spurt boys get through puberty in her dreams but Shauna thinks he is now taller than her. Zeke has never been an emotional one for anything other than art (and to be specific, those shitty comic books that he had Shauna going from store to store to get Chris Claremont’s  Uncanny X-Men  first edition or whatever the fuck and overhear him whine about some  Clone Saga ) but you could see that he is emotional (his way) to see her. 

“Hi, Shauna.”

“...Hi.” 

He’s never been a hugger, not even as a little kid when he was forced to be the victim of their aunts’ affections. But he reaches for her hand and squeezes it. 

Shauna squeezes back and…

And her hands are full of blood and Zeke’s face is lifeless white, blood dripping from his neck, and it is not Zeke either, but Javi and they need to eat so she must…

She recoils away from the contact so suddenly that her brother stares at her perplexed, but carefully puts his hands on his pockets. Looking hurt.  I’m sorry.  She wanted to say, but still couldn’t get her mouth to work. 

“Zeke, honey.” Her mom says “Jackie told me she arrived from Boston and grabbed a cab a while ago, can you wait for her in the lobby?”

“Sure.” 

And he leaves without another word, not even looking at Shauna.

“I’ll talk to him later.” 

“...Boston?” 

“I’ll let her explain.” Her mom smiles “She couldn’t go to Rutgers, not without you.”

But she was prepared to go to Brown without Jackie. 

“Does…she…know?”

“About Brown? Yes. I told her.” Her mom smiled sadly “She was so proud of you.” 

“My…friends?” 

“With their families, the Matthews and the Turners are here, and so is Coach Martinez’s wife. Mr. Quigley…he should be coming soon.” Her mom carefully holds her hand, and there’s no blood on them anymore “Mr. Matthews is paying for our hotel rooms, you’ll have to stay a while, sweetie, at least until your body is stable again, but I have permission from work and Zeke got permission from school. We’re not going anywhere without you.”  

“O-okay.”

Would her mom keep her here if she knew what Shauna had done? Probably, they must never know. No one should ever know. They prayed and scavenged and they waited for the return. That’s what happened. Nothing else. 

“Shauna, we’ll get through this together.” Her mom promises her “Even your dad is coming to—” 

She ignores whatever is related to her father as her ears catch the sound of something – no,  someone  – running in her direction, and Zeke yelling  ‘ Please  wait!’  She can hear some nurses saying  please don’t run in the halls!  Shauna feels her heart will jump off her throat, and the hospital door is opened without warning. 

She’s never seen Jackie Taylor like this.

Dirty blonde hair and face drenched in sweat and ragged breath, hands on her knees as she takes deep breaths trying to recover air in her lungs again. She looks up, nose with remnants of dried blood near her nose and on her shirt. She gasps at the sight of Shauna in sheer amazement. In Shauna’s nightmares, her eyes are full of hatred and mockery, but here – perhaps in a pleasant dream, or real life, whatever it is – but here, her eyes are bright and stare at Shauna as if she were a miracle. 

Shauna would find out not much later that after Jackie arrived from the airport and took a cab, stuck in New York traffic, so she gave the driver the money and ran six blocks to the hospital (and ate shit while running, so that’s why she had blood around her nose) with an Achilles that never fully healed and was not grateful at this unexpected sprint. 

“...Shauna,” Jackie whispers, standing still for a second – or as still as she can be, she is shaking, and blinks multiple times, almost as if she is trying to convince herself that this is real. And it has to be real – people cannot have the same dreams, and if this is fake, if she is already dead or mad, then she wants to stay in this illusion. Forever. Her mom turns to see Jackie and smiles at her, and only that makes Jackie move towards Shauna’s bed.

Shauna manages to say one word. 

“Ja–Jackie.” 

That’s enough to make Jackie unravel.

Her mom’s hug was soft and sweet, clearly from her experience from being a nurse, to avoid overwhelming patients who have survived dangerous experiences and who have to slowly get used to things such as touch again. Jackie’s hug is nothing like that, her grip is strong – she’s never thought Jackie had this kind of strength. Her hands held onto Shauna’s hospital gown. Shauna can’t see her face, but she senses something warm at her neck. Tears. Jackie is crying. Jackie is crying while hugging her, and Shauna can feel it. It’s real. 

It has to be.

“Shauna. Shauna. Shauna. Oh My God.” Jackie says, pulling from her neck to look at Shauna, her face red and full of tears “Thank you so much. Thank you for being alive. I love you. I love you so much. My best friend, my sister. Oh my God.”

I love you. I love you so much  echoes in Shauna’s mind, it is the first time – in how long? that she has heard it from Jackie’s lips.

(Tell me you love me.  She demanded

I love you, Shauna.  Jeff promised, empty promises – meaningless because she didn’t love him at all.)

“Ja…ckie.” Shauna echoes, and she wants to ask, desperately, if Jackie is real and this isn’t a fucked up trick from her mind. Instead, she touches the other’s face, it’s soft, and her fingers are hoarse “Jackie.” She repeats, a little confident now. 

“It’ll be fine now, Shauna. I promise you.” Jackie assures her, with that tone that made Shauna believe everything was possible, she’s smiling despite her tears “I’ve missed you so much, Shauna. I love you. I love you so much.”

I love you.

It should make her happy – this confirmation that one of her biggest fears was unfounded, that Jackie loved her. Always had. Of course she did, they’ve been friends forever. Jackie could’ve had another best friend at any point, but she always chose Shauna. 

Or the person Jackie thought she was, because Jackie doesn’t know, she wouldn’t tell Shauna she loved her if she did. 

She would come clean – she would tell her the truth, she would, at least the Jeff thing.

I love you, Shauna. 

She hasn’t cried in forever – tears frozen in merciless winters and mixed with human blood, but those three words are enough for something warm to run through her face. Tears. She tries to say something meaningful, like what was Jackie doing in Boston or that she loves her too, but a sob comes out, and now it’s nonstop crying. It’s her turn to bury her face on Jackie’s neck, who is crying too, but rubs her back softly, which makes Shauna cry harder. 

“You’re home, Shauna.” Jackie whispers to her – trying to be a little more in control of her emotions, but failing“Welcome home.”

She’s home.

She’s made it. 

She’s back home.

2004, Switzerland

The opportunity presented to herself in 2002 just after her master's abroad ended, and it is too good to let it pass.

Jackie is aware she is at a disadvantage in a professional setting – she’s done her internships, and they have been highly valued, but she is still an American living in London, and she has colleagues and seniors who are native to the UK with more experience than her. It shouldn’t have been her, who was chosen, yet she was. 

“Get back to the States, finish whatever you have left there, and get yourself a work visa. You did your  master's   in  reporting? I’ll teach you what real reporting is.” 

And so she did, she returned to the States only to pick up her degree, and went to work under Katherine Hudson. 

Kathy Hudson is someone Jackie deeply admires in a professional setting – one of the few journalists who live in the profession. She specialized in human interest, and was dedicated to her search for the truth: What is the government hiding? Why do humans hate each other?  Why  was her favorite word, she wouldn’t let you off the hook until you gave her an answer that satisfied her or invoked her curiosity, and would go to insane lengths to find her truth. She had as many enemies as Pulitzers, and she had a lot of those.

That being said, she was a cunt, absolutely unlikeable and condescending – the years had made her stricter and harsher. Her reporting on the absolute worst of the human condition made her tough, she had to be. Jackie knew this before accepting this job, that Kathy put doe-eyed reporters through the grinder and a lot of them ended up switching careers – she witnessed it, their team went from 20 people to 8, and even Allison (her roommate from BU) switched to editorial after six months with Kathy. 

They spent almost two years traveling around the UK and Europe, interviewing refugees from the Yugoslav Wars, cult leaders, and even heads of government. Different kinds of people every day. Kathy was many things, but she wasn’t good at making people open up willingly, which is why she hired wide-eyed reporters like Jackie to do the job. They didn’t like each other much at a personal level (or they did, but it was complicated) but Kathy told Jackie she could easily be the best of the team, and all she needed was confidence, and facing different kinds of situations built character for her. It also taught her that a lot of her problems were small compared to other people and that those people’s voices should be amplified.

It is annoying to say because she was a total cunt, no one quite trusted her or helped her grow as Kathy Hudson did. Those two years under her wing and eventually becoming equals did a lot for Jackie – it made her reflect a lot on who she was. Probably the closest thing she’s ever had to a mom, excluding Deb. 

“I’m going to Switzerland for personal reasons,” Kathy tells her – rarely one to speak of her private life, but everyone knew that she visited her nephew whenever she could. Only living relative she has or she speaks to. “I got an extra ticket, I thought you might be interested. Taken off your paycheck.”

“...How did you know?” 

“It’s my job to know my underlings, their parents are a real pain, thank me later.”

Oh wow.

She can finally talk to Lottie after all these years.

Jackie spoke to all the survivors when they returned, memorized the names of the nurses, and would get stuff from the outside so they didn’t get bored at the hospital. Music magazines for Nat. Souvenirs for Van. Cars magazines for Travis. Medical Encyclopedia for Misty.  Anything that doesn’t talk about us  for Taissa (a sports magazine and she was happy enough) and whatever Shauna wanted as long as it wasn’t food to kill time while at the hospital.

She wanted to talk to Lottie – she had been sedated when Jackie saw her, isolated from the other ones, and to see if she could get her something. Mr. Matthews didn’t let her, even when the nurses whispered among themselves that it would be good for Ms. Matthews to see a friend. 

Looking back, she should’ve stood up for her classmate and friend – even if the person was her dad. But she didn’t. She was still very non-confrontational back then, she’s barely learning how to be. It’s kind of necessary in her career.

But back then, she got Lottie a  get well soon  card, and wrote a really simple message:  feel better Lottie!  I  love you a lot - Jackie.  She tried to get the other ones to sign it but to no avail. Not even Shauna and… 

Well, Jackie was non-confrontational (coward), and she didn’t want to fight with Shauna when she just got her back. 

(There would be plenty of time for that)

She was very friendly with the nurses – knew which ones would let her stay overnight and which ones wouldn’t, and she gave the card to Lottie. Got transferred to another hospital the next day, and they looked kind of relieved. Whenever Jackie tried to ask why they were acting so odd with her, Shauna changed the topic. It wasn’t until she read the diary, that she understood. 

( Biased sources, limited perception, unreliable sources.  The truth is that she doesn’t understand, not really, she could only take Shauna’s word for granted – and Jackie read enough to know that there were incongruencies at times if straight-out nonsense at times.

That didn’t make what Shauna wrote about her less hurtful.)

She had no idea that Lottie struggled with mental health until she heard she was in Switzerland. You don’t know anyone in High School, after all, but that didn’t mean she didn’t care about her – even knowing what she knew. 

The trip with her boss should be unbearable, especially because it’s just the two of them because went back to London, but it is quite nice — a conversation in particular stays with Jackie about the State of Nature and Kathy believed people without societies tend to either create Gods as they felt abandoned by the real one, and in remote places, things such as false idols matter not. 

“I once interviewed someone who got lost in the Alps, the only survivor of their group.” Kathy tells her “In a place without rules, and you go back to society, how do you re-insert yourself? She was half beast when they found her, a noble savage is what that hippie Rousseau would call him. Bullshit, I tell you, at least that part in particular. He couldn’t adapt back to society, how did you go back to be a human, when you were a God?”

“Did you get the details of what happened?”

“Hm, it really wasn’t my point of interest, but no, even when I asked, he would start screaming and had to be sedated.”

Jackie thinks about Shauna’s diary, she wonders if her boss would think less of her if she told her that the most religious she’s ever been is when that plane went missing and her knees hurt from all the praying and that at some point she was so desperate that she would take Shauna as the only survivor as long as she returned to Jackie.

Something in Kathy’s eyes told her she wouldn’t.

“Meet at the cafe at four after we do our respective visits?”

“Perfect, thanks, boss.” 

“I’m not heartless, Taylor. You’ve done a good job, and that gets rewarded. No need to thank me.” 

It’s Kathy’s idea that she buy some chocolates because it was crass to show up to visit without anything. Even if the visit is in a mental institution (not Looney Bin, Allison says those terms are offensive). She agrees to the rules of the caretakers, and one of them is to not mention the accident, which is fine for her anyway, she isn’t doing an interview.

“Ms. Matthews, you got a visit.” The caretaker says “It’s Ms. Taylor, she claims she’s a friend from High School.” 

“Oh —? Okay. Let her in.” Lottie looks surprised, almost wary – Shauna used to have that look too, especially the first weeks “Jackie? Is that you?”

“It’s been forever, Lottie,” Jackie says with a smile a golden cage is still a cage – but she can’t help but notice that this room is way  nicer  than the flat she shared with Allison in North London. Like.  Wow . Not the point, though “Oh! You got the card I got you.”

“Oh, yeah it was…it was very kind of you.” Lottie gives her a small smile “I don’t get many visitors, which I get, being away and all. What are you doing here in Switzerland?”

“It was the minimum I could do.” She should have been strong enough to demand to see someone she cared about. But Jackie wasn’t strong. Never was. She isn’t good at taking a stance or making a harsh decision, she is barely learning how to do that under her boss's guidance “I am here with my boss, I live in London.”

“Oh.” Lottie’s eyes shine “I assume Shauna is living with you? Is she okay?”

Lottie might as well have pulled a gun and shot her through the heart. She doesn’t know that Shauna and Jackie have not spoken in four years. Jackie does what she always does when thinking of Shauna, of what they were, and what they were not, and could’ve been if Jackie had let her open up at her own time. 

As if that was going to happen, they were fucked from the start.

She swallows all of it – lets the grief linger and carries on.

“No, Shauna is in the States, but she is doing well. With her mom, you know?”

“I see.” A twinge of sadness appears in Lottie’s eyes “She returned because you were waiting for her, you know? You were her reason to keep going.”

“The feeling is mutual, my world had color again when I got the phone call that they had found her,” Jackie confesses they never spoke of what their 18-month absence did to the other. Perhaps they should have. Perhaps Shauna should have known that it had been impossible for Jackie to allow herself true happiness without her on Jackie’s life. Not that Shauna shared the feeling, going by her diary, she was happy to be free of Jackie even in the cruelty of the Canadian wilderness. “Regardless of the distance, I’ll always be here, if she needs me.” Jackie answers, and it is the truth, it had been the last thing she told Shauna before leaving permanently  I am your friend, always  “And if I can do anything to help you, I would be delighted to.” 

“I believe that there will be a time when all our paths cross again,” Lottie says, in that weird tone that could almost be a prophecy, no wonder the other girls chose to follow her as a Priestess, did it matter back in nowhere, Canada, that she was an unmedicated teenage girl when they needed Faith? If Jackie were a greedy and disloyal reporter, she would ask Lottie about her time there, but instead, Lottie takes a bite of the chocolate and offers some to Jackie “But there are things more important at the moment” Her eyes focus on Jackie’s stomach, a smile on her face “Congratulations, Jackie!”

There is warmth in Lottie’s voice, and Jackie accepts the hug with no problems. Yet she is still confused.

“What do you mean?”

Now it’s Lottie’s turn to be confused.

“You are expecting, aren’t you?” 

No fucking way.

No fucking way that this is how she finds out the process was a  success , she’s not supposed to check with the doctor for another week. 

Once the visit is over, she begs Kathy to stop by a pharmacy because she needs a pregnancy test. 

Kathy tells her  do not be stupid it’s too early, she is in a looney bin, Jackie!  and Jackie is aware she’s being stupid, but she has to make sure.

The pregnancy test was positive, of course, it was.

Kathy bought her a chocolate cake to celebrate, it was one of the few gestures of kindness she had. But even when it was a coincidence how did Lottie know before her doctor? Before anybody? Before Jackie herself? She still didn’t have an answer, but it stayed on Jackie’s mind. Even when she was taken to the hospital by emergency and had no one except Allison.

And she loved Allison, in a very platonic way, she was there for Jackie when no one was, still depressed from Shauna and the others being missing and struggling with survivor guilt. The one who was with her through freshman year as she was figuring out who she was and picking the pieces together. First person, she came out to. The person who fucking paid the plane from Boston to NYC and told Jackie she had her back in the assignments and not to worry about paying her back and Jackie had to force her to accept when she finally got to pay her.

Allison found her crying in a bar in Boston when she and Shauna fell out, and let her move with her while she finished her career even if they hadn't talked as much as they used to when Jackie moved in with Shauna. God, she basically forgave Jackie for being a shit friend who almost dropped their friendship because she was taking care of Shauna (Jackie has never regretted taking those semesters off, but she should have treated her friendships better and this is proof). Allison is here, in the scariest moment of Jackie’s life, she is a good woman, she is the Godmother of her firstborn – and Jackie dares to say, she’s the best friend she has.

But  Shauna  should have been here, with Jackie, she should have been comforting her when the doctor said the C-section was the best way because her baby was positioned with his feet down. Fuck. She didn’t even have to be here, a phone call would have been nice enough, but it’s better for the both of them to not see each other again.

Her first pregnancy ends with her falling asleep under anesthesia and in her dream, she’s seventeen.

Jackie assured her she would get her a wheelchair so she didn’t have to force herself to move, but Shauna insisted that she wanted to walk. She holds herself onto the IV with one hand, and her other hand is holding onto Jackie's arm. They might get in trouble, but Jackie isn’t good at denying Shauna anything. Especially now that she is back.

She had been shocked when she heard Shauna had a child, a son  who  was almost eight months old. Jackie was worried someone tried to hurt her friend. She's watched documentaries and men can be awful when left alone, and Shauna's refusal to speak to any male doctors made her worry even more, but Shauna might have read her concern, because she promised her that nothing like that happened to her.

Then, after that was cleared out, she did the math, and it was obvious who the dad was.

“Are you going to tell him?” Jackie asks, and Shauna turns to see her, horror on her features as she realizes that Jackie knows “It’s fine, Shauna. I promise. We can…talk about it later when you get discharged.”

(It actually it’s not — but Jackie gave away her right to anger and resentment in exchange for having her back. She might have told Jeff Sadecki it should have been him and his shit baseball team who went missing.) 

“I-I don’t know.” Shauna confesses “I haven’t thought about it.”

“It’ll be alright.” Jackie assures her as they get into the elevator “Like, the worst is already past, and I’m sure your mom will help raise him when you go to…I don’t know, Brown or Harvard or wherever smart people like you go.”

“There’s no teen moms at Brown or Harvard, Jackie.” Shauna’s look is distant, as if she’s looking at something Jackie cannot see “That life…that life for me it’s over.”

“I think that if you want it, you can do it, Shauna.” Jackie wasn’t a particularly bright student – she was good at it once she liked a topic, but Shauna was the brightest person she had ever met. She’s sure even teen moms go to Ivy League if they are smart enough, having a kid doesn’t make you less intelligent “But as I said, we can leave that for later. We have time.”

“Okay.”

Jackie doesn't know much about babies, but she thinks Shauna’s baby is smaller than he should be. To the point ,  he gets treated with the neo-natal ones. The nurses smile at them, Jackie squeezes Shauna’s hand as her eyes are focused on the baby, separated by a transparent window. It must have been tough, giving birth out there, and then raising a baby. Jackie wonders if Shauna knows how amazing that is.

“He’s adorable, Shauna , ” Jackie whispers, and he will be even more adorable when they get out of here. She waves at the child, who stares at them with brown eyes “He’s just like you.”

“…Yeah , ” Shauna answers with a small smile.

Their attention is back on the baby, Jackie waves at him again, she feels protective of him – he’s Shauna’s son,  and  she’s known of him for a couple  of  weeks, but now that she has officially met him, he’s already the second most important person in Jackie’s life “What is his name?”

“Oh, his name is…”

She wakes up to a child’s cry.

It’s a loud, wonderful thing that resounds on walls – she hears him before she gets a sight of him. Red little thing with brown hair. The nurses say he’s got two strong lungs, and Jackie agrees. He cries as he announces to the world that he has arrived. It’s a wonderful thing, she has never imagined that crying could be so wonderful. 

“Congratulations, Ms. Taylor! It’s a boy!”

“Hi, Michel.” And she feels herself smiling so hard as he eventually calms down “Michel Henry.” 

She’s known ever since she knew she was pregnant, but it’s confirmed the moment she holds him in her arms and he opens his big green eyes that just like hers that this child didn’t arrive to this world to be  second best  on Jackie’s heart. She thinks he’s smiling already, which makes him a genius (she tells Allison to shut up when she tells Jackie it’s just gasses), and wow…she just feels neverending love for this child. Never imagined it was possible to feel like this.

But even in such a happy moment, she thinks about Shauna, and how should have been there when she gave birth, who gives a shit who the dad was. She knows it’s not her fault, she would have if she was there. Yet Jackie reread that part of the diary over and over – she should’ve been with Shauna in such a difficult moment. Having that information without permission meant that…

It meant she never could comfort her about it.

She also knows, the moment she has Michel in her arms for the first time, that what Shauna went through at seventeen is a pain that Jackie cannot even imagine. A pain she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemies.

And Jackie finally understands that even if she wanted to comfort Shauna, there was nothing of value she could have said.

New Jersey, 2021 

Callie’s mom doesn’t give a shit about her friends. 

She knows Ilana because her dad and Callie’s mom work in the same bank (and her mom should be paid more because she’s her senior and supervisor, everyone knows this) and perhaps Kyle on a good day, and not even that sometimes, tends to get them mixed up too. Kyle with Mike (who is just a friend) and Mike with Kevin. 

Elisa once asked her why her boyfriends have the most boring and average names ever, and Callie wasn’t feeling like she wanted to deal with Elisa’s smarter-than-everyone   internet tone, so she pointed out that Elizabeth in every variation is a super common name, and because Elisa refused to  not  have the last word, she told her she was named in honor of Elisabetta Sirani, one of the first women artists of the renaissance and who founded the first women’s art school in Bologna or whatever. She wasn’t some common variation of Elizabeth and please respect her and Callie just told her to shut up.

Anyway, it usually plays well that she doesn’t care enough to know who her friends are, especially if she goes out. 

That is why it was weird that her mom was almost  mad  that she knew Elisabeth Taylor, she even asked Callie if she thought this was a fucked up joke because it wasn’t funny. Callie was too confused to be mad, and being interrogated like she was killing someone over having an internet friend (though, she supposed they were more than internet friends, she knows Elisa and her brother and they’ve hung out in real life before like in that concert). Perhaps if she had asked nicely, she would have told her they connected through mutual interests and evolved from there, but because her mom was behaving like this, Callie didn’t talk. Perhaps kids should talk to their parents with respect, but their kids deserve respect too.

“Say please, and I will entertain giving you an answer.”

“Who do you think you…”

“I’m back!” Bubba says, coming with a bag in her hands, her good mood contrasting with the huge tension in the apartment “Oh my, you girls are always fighting.”

“She started it.” Shauna crosses her arms, and Callie rolls her eyes, which makes Shauna angrier “You spoil her too much, Mom.”

“How are you, Bubba?”

“I’m okay, darling! How about you?”

“I’m doing good, I have a friend who just moved to town and we are going to school together.”

“You are what —?” 

“Oh, you should invite her one of these days!”

“How was Zeke, mom?” Her mother changed the topic, not before sending a glare in Callie’s direction. Callie smiles, knowing that with Bubba around she has to restrain herself.

It’s not like she would invite Elisa here, seeing how Mom is behaving. 

Callie isn’t unsympathetic – Bubba has told her to cut her mom some slack, that she has gone through a lot (and this was before knowing what a yellowjacket was) and Callie gets it, sort of. Traumatic experiences, probably PTSD and not believing in therapy would do that to you. But she wishes her mom would try to let her in instead of antagonizing her every hour, only time she seemed happy is when she saw that lady on BBC and CNN.

(The lady is – oh my God, that’s Elisa’s mom. She was also in Sesame Street and interviewed Elmo and Kermit about their rivalry in her section once. Four-year-old Callie would have been so jealous Elisa’s mom knows them.)

Uncle Zeke was in New York, and he got her a gift as he always does. Usually, amazing prints that decorate her room, her uncle is so talented, she wishes she could draw like him. Mom’s mood gets worse when they talk about him, but clearly is trying to not ruin Bubba’s good mood.

A typical day in a Shipman household, anyway. 

Today it should be Elisa’s first day.

why are you late to your first day of class 

orientation. im coming in soon.
i got biology first period 

Well, coincidences must be happening today.

“We got a new student today.” The homeroom teacher said, and that caught everyone’s interest, usually, someone needs to show the new kid around and they can skip the first and second periods. “She just transferred, which is kind of unexpected, but life is about expecting the unexpected, so hope you make her feel comfortable. Miss Taylor, come in. Tell us three things about you.” 

The boys in the class were stunt-locked. 

Elisa is pretty, she has long dirty blonde hair, and really cute brown eyes that she must’ve gotten from whoever her biological dad is. She’s wearing a pink shirt and a black leather jacket. You would think she listens to indie music when she runs a pop star fan account on Twitter, and you wouldn’t be wrong, she says she likes what she likes and that’s it. She sees Callie almost immediately and smiles at her and Callie smiles back. 

“Uh, hi. My name is Elisabeth, you can call me Elisa or Eli. I prefer cats to dogs, and I live with my mom and my brother and my zodiac sign is —” She raises her eyebrow when she sees Callie raise her hand “Yes?” 

“Where did you grow up at?” 

“I…I lived in London until I was 13, then moved to California, then here.” 

“So.” Another girl said, now with new interest “Are you British?” 

“Ew. No.” Laughter erupted in the classroom, and Elisa smiled a bit “I was born in America, and my mom is American, we just moved because of her work.” 

“So, who wants to show Miss Taylor around?” 

It’s a bunch of idiotic men raising their hands and Callie, the decision makes itself. 

“Miss Sadecki, please show Miss Taylor around. Be back for the third period.” 

“It will be my honor, come on, Miss Taylor.” Callie grinned as she grabbed her gently by the arm, once they were out of the classroom, she turned to see her friend “Zodiac sign, really?”

Elisa raises an eyebrow “What did you want me to say?”

“Something interesting? I know you are a smartass!”

Here’s the thing that she learned about Elisa’s real life and online personas: they are almost the same once she gets comfortable, but Elisa is introverted, so it takes her a while to warm up to people. She’s very intelligent and funny once she gets out of her shell, but if they have a Halloween party to go to, they’ll have to speed up socialization. 

“I’m not a smartass just because I know some things.” Elisa rolls her eyes “God, you act like my brother.” 

“That was the most boring icebreaker ever? You gotta show your personality more.”

“You called me a smartass and you want me to show my personality?” Elisa raises an eyebrow “I just got here two hours ago, I’m not telling them my life story.” 

“Okay but – it’s not bad smartass, it’s  good smartass, like you always have good arguments and it’s annoying to be on your bad side because you always know how to answer.” Callie insists “And people paid attention when I asked where you were from, you just need to show up your real self a little more.” 

“You talk like my mom.” Elisa sighs, but tries a second more interesting ice breaker “Okay, I lived in London till I was 13, I played basketball in middle school, and I once did a speech on how bad season eight of Game of Thrones was.” 

“Much better, practice that for lunch when I introduce you to the rest.” And now, the important part “You didn’t tell me your mom was a journalist!”

“I didn’t find it important, also, privacy is kind of a huge thing.”

“What if my mom was famous? Wouldn’t you be curious?”

“She sort of is, isn’t she? I can’t go revealing my family tree like that. Mom is serious about that.”

No, being a topic from unsolved mysteries and shitty podcasts doesn’t make her mom famous. She got a point with the second one.

“Anyway, go to Whole Foods often?”

“Shut up! That reminds me, I talked to Michel and he told me to take a look at my mom’s stuff where I found the jersey and…” Elisa scrolls through her pictures, and it finally finds it, a picture of a picture “This girl…I think it’s your mom, she looks like you.”

Fuck. 

Elisa is right. 

This is going to sound a little embarrassing, but Callie hasn’t seen many pictures of her mom when she was younger, only the ones Bubba kept in her house before they moved in with her. She told Callie that her mom in a blast of anger burned all her pictures from High School before she even thought of having Callie. Her mom doesn’t like talking about her past and hates being an urban legend. Not even Grandma knows the full extent of it. 

And Callie understands – but wow, seeing her mom in a soccer ( it’s football Callie you, play it with your feet  Elisa points out) uniform smiling shyly at the camera while she’s being trapped in a hug by another — 

Trapped in a hug by a girl who looks a lot like Elisa, and has huge green eyes, like Michel. 

“They went to school together, all right.” Callie says, crossing her arms, she wonders why adults like to lie so much instead of being honest “She was so insistent yesterday.”

Her mom doesn’t have friends, it never went through Callie’s mind that she might have had friends once.

“Mine was curious, too.” Elisa says, taking her phone back “My mom doesn’t talk much about High School, she says she was depressed in her senior year, and she’s good at making people talk but you can’t get her to open up if she doesn’t want to.” 

Ah, so Ms. Taylor hides things too. 

More things in common, then. 

“So, Taylor, are we still matching?”

Elisa adopts a thoughtful pose – and Callie hopes that she isn’t chickening out, instead, the new girl says “If we get caught, Sadecki, we risk a minimum of a month of our lives getting grounded, at least in my case. We have to make sure they don’t find out.” 

“Well, fortunately.” Callie grins “This isn’t my first rodeo, Elisa.” 

If a tree falls, and no one is there to hear it: the truth behind the murder of Katherine Hudson  is a cornerstone of journalism, and well deserved of the Pulitzer.

It had been ruled a suicide, or so the official sources said. They found drugs on her body, so it must have been an overdose or even a suicide. They could have gotten away with the explanation (nobody gives a shit about journalists dying Shauna wished they died every Yellowjackets anniversary) if Jackie Taylor hadn’t written an entire book debunking it. It’s probably her greatest work, and that is saying a lot for someone whose interview influenced a case of domestic violence in the victim’s favor. 

It’s crazy that the woman who has a Pulitzer is the same girl that Shauna used to double-check her essays in High School and even reviewed a couple of ones for her when she was at college. She was always concise (perhaps too much, always under the word limit). Shauna stopped reviewing them when she realized they had already been peer-reviewed, slammed them on Jackie’s desk, and said she hated being pitied and not waste her time. Jackie told her that was not the case and that she wanted a second opinion, Shauna never believed it.

She hated being pitied, even if it had good intentions, another point to the list of misunderstandings that caused their friendship to break.

Jackie didn’t just debunk that woman’s death but went to an entire extra step. She proved that a foreign government was involved in Katherine Hudson’s murder, the content begins with a historical timeline of what the woman was doing at the moment of her death and even interviews the locals the last woman visited for her project.

On its own, this book is very different from Jackie’s typical work, she usually focuses on people whose voices are underrepresented. She isn’t the type of journalist who focuses on  exposing the government  except that time she helped Taissa with that rival senator.  If a tree falls  is a book dedicated to making rights to what was an unjust death, a gift to her mentor – because as the introduction said, Jackie wouldn’t be half the journalist she is without her. She must have meant a lot to Jackie, if what Taissa told is true and she even hid her kids at an embassy while this was unraveling. 

Taissa used to say it was for the best to have someone like Jackie on their side – and perhaps that is true.  Check her stuff out, she knows her shit  she would say as Shauna hasn’t been following Jackie’s career since her fucking senior thesis criticizing yellow journalism and their portrayal of trauma (the same senior thesis that gave her a scholarship that eventually landed her on London). As if she didn’t get cable to watch her on BBC and CNN. She got a fucking Emmy nomination for interviewing Kermit and Elmo and their rivalry. Shauna was surprised she quit being independent when TV seemed to fit her very well, it’s not like she can ask her.

Shauna works for a bank now – far from the writer that she wanted to be. It’s not perfect, she doesn’t even like the career she studied, but it’s fine, she’d rather be here than stay at home (her mom helps her with Callie, and so does Jeff, sometimes). It’s just a difficult pill to swallow when you compare your situations. Jackie is a Pulitzer-winning journalist. Zeke is a famous illustrator, and…

I was going to be a writer and win a Pulitzer. I was going to go to Europe. 

She would’ve been if the crash didn’t happen, most likely.

But it is not worth crying over spilled milk.

It’s not worth either that she is currently parked in front of her daughter’s high school when Callie often goes home on her own (and before you judge her parenting: she works full time, okay?) because Jackie is parked across from her but here she is. Shauna’s been staring at her for ten minutes, she's talking over the phone and looks like she’s arguing, maybe she’s fighting with her son. She’s probably here waiting for her daughter.

Who is probably giggling with  Shauna’s  daughter

(What kind of fucked up joke is this? How does Callie befriend Jackie’s  daughter ? Mind you, she refused to give an actual answer besides ‘ internet ’. The daughter looked just like Jackie with a brighter shade of blonde and leather jackets and band t-shirts.)

Regardless , she should get back to Jackie’s book and stop looking at her – that shit is creepy, Shauna is not a stalker, she’s too old to be a stalker over her ex-best friend and —

Is she  waving  at her while talking over the phone?

Yes, she is.

Fuck. She has to smile and wave back. Be normal. It should be a normal thing,  normal  people would ask shit like  hey Jackie! How are the kids?  She can do this, and not fuck it up, because there is nothing to fuck up. She’ll drive to the empty parking seat next to Jackie and…

“Mom? What are you doing here?”

Callie’s voice startled her – what the fuck is she doing here? Okay, she’s at school, but  why did she  have to get out right now? 

Jackie's daughter (who looks just like her with a different shade of blond hair) is walking towards her mother’s car and Jackie gives her a full smile that the kid returns despite her pseudo-tough exterior because  of course  Jackie would break the circle of trauma of her family and be a good mom for her kids. She probably went to all their activities, unlike her parents who forgot her several times at soccer practice in Elementary School. 

(She didn’t find out that Jackie was  interested  in forming a family until she left and saw pamphlets about artificial insemination and adoption while cleaning whatever she left in her room.)

“Uh…I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the mall.” She lies, and Callie just stares at her like she’s gone crazy – Shauna bets that Jackie’s children don’t treat her like this. “Is wanting to spend time with my daughter illegal?”

Callie stares at her, then realizes where Shauna is looking, waves in Jackie’s kid's direction ( Elisabeth . That’s her name. She has an identity other than  Jackie Taylor’s kid number two ) and both mom and daughter wave back, as they drive away, then Callie focuses on Shauna.

“…So, are you trying to  rizz   Pulitzer Winner Jackie Taylor  by pretending to be the mother of the year?”

Shauna has decided to ignore every single word of that sentence except for one, what the fuck does  rizz  mean? Then she does what she does best when she doesn’t understand a teenager: goes to the urban dictionary and googles the definition that is “ another word for spitting game/how good you are at pulling and sustaining bitches .”

God. 

She should drive away and let Callie walk home, but what if she tells her new friend (her daughter and Jackie’s daughter are  friends . F riends  that go to school together, take classes together, and will probably do every elective  together ) and her new friend tells her mom, then the possible conversation opener would be how terrible Shauna is at motherhood.

As if she needs that.

“Get in the car.”

Callie won’t ask directly, probably because Shauna wouldn’t give a complete answer, just a half-truth. Perhaps this is her way to get back to Shauna about how she behaved those nights, but now she leaves school with Jackie’s kid's arm intertwined with hers. Sometimes Jackie’s kid will wave her way too before saying goodbye and going to her mom’s. She looked confused the first time but seemed more than alright with going with whatever Callie did. Talk about bad influences.

Shauna notices when they are texting each other because Callie is either smirking or annoyed. The only text Shauna could read said u troll ur mom 2 much .

The kid doesn’t know half of it.

Maybe Callie was right about  opening up  to others.

School is quite fun – she takes French and Introduction to Astronomy as electives and tried for the basketball team as a point guard, but they all but assured her that she was pretty much in. Her friends from the UK tell her she’s becoming a yank, and she has to remind her that she  is  one – her mom is American, and she was born in America because she kind of ruined her mom’s holiday by arriving two months early. It’s not even a matter of nationalistic pride or whatever, it’s just a fact. 

All that being said, she misses London sometimes – it feels like she fits more there than she ever did in California. Don’t get her wrong, she isn’t a friendless loser, she was treated alright, but her friends were her  brother’s  friends because Michel would fit anywhere they moved to. It’s not a bad thing, and she isn’t bitter, it’s just a personality thing. Her mom does say that if she opens up to people, they will realize how wonderful she is. Then again, she is Elisa’s mom, so she  might  be a little biased there. 

She doesn’t know if she’s wonderful, but Callie’s friends are cool (except for that idiot Kyle, Ilana thinks he’s an idiot too) and it’s easier to open up in a comfortable setting. She meets the Max Johnson boy who will host the party that Callie had intended to take her as a plus one in her French class, and he’s sweet and interesting. He tells her that the party (and she fakes surprise about it) will have a monsters-only theme and that they intend to party all night and stay up to see the sunrise after watching horror movies when they all calm down. 

He asks her if she would like to go, not as a plus one, as she intended to go, but he wants her there. 

“I would love to go, I mean, I don’t got nothing else to do.” 

“Awesome, then, I’ll see you there.” 

And now she has English with Callie, which would be okay, but she is annoying today. 

Okay, perhaps that is rude (mom says she isn’t rude, she’s just  too honest  but then again, that might be biased, and neither of them is particularly good at reading tone – so perhaps her mom is more understanding of that than your average person) it’s just she lets that idiot boyfriend affect her day more than she should. Perhaps Elisa’s short tolerance towards men is hereditary. Her mom often says Michel is the only boy she genuinely loves, and even her straight male friends are more of a matter of tolerance than anything else. Once, Elisa liked a boy in London – an Irish cutie and her mom said as a joke that she doubted he was good enough for her, okay, she was joking, but it was also probably true because the crush wore up pretty quickly. 

Even Michel doesn’t introduce his boyfriends to his mom unless he is serious about a relationship.

So yeah, Elisa isn’t good at comforting people over their shit boyfriends, because they can just dump them, you know? Michel says that’s pretty awful of her, but what can she do? Callie can do better, and she’s cooler to be with when he isn’t around. 

mikey (clown emoji)(heart emoji): 

driving to  Jersey  early 
those dickheads  don't  know who they messed with lol

sadecki is brooding over a man
u guys have a lot in common 

ur such a witch Eli 
haven't u tried to be empathetic

‘i love hearing about ur situationship mikey’ - said no one ever

fuck you
yall twinning for halloween still? 

ya

lets go to  Spirit Halloween  
i cant choose my costume

who invited u

u did, cuz u need an alibi
and tbh i dont wanna be at the same space than those imbeciles
so im not going to no parties at Boston 
bring callie too we can go to Atlantic City
im telling mom im picking u up 

cool. see u later. luv u

And okay, perhaps the Atlantic City beaches are ugly as hell compared to those from California (only part of it that she liked), but when you are vaping (her mom hates this, by the way, even if she was smoking at 16 and only stopped smoking through her pregnancies) at the beach and laughing at people, it’s not as bad. 

“And okay, I was gonna steal his crush as a payback, he’s one of those closeted jocks, which ew, but you know, sometimes you gotta swallow your pride. Then he fucking calls me Mikey, which is strike one.” Michel explains, that only Elisa and mom call him by that nickname without Michel kicking a ball to their faces “Second, Elisa found his account where he is a Cardi B fan and he gets in fights with Nicki fans, like, I am gay and I study theatre and dancing and but I’m not that gay, thank you very much!” Once Elisa and Callie stop laughing, Michel continues “And third, he doesn’t shower after practice, like gross!” 

“And what did you do to your friend?” Callie asks. 

“Fucked up his hairline by messing with the shampoo, will have it vomit green by the time I get back.” Michel grins, and he high-fives both of them “My piece of shit ex drunk texted me, he should be glad I didn’t hit him with my car.” 

“Perhaps you should focus on yourself.” Elisa suggests “And the same for you, Sadecki.” 

“Here comes blonde Daria.” 

“Fuck you.”

Callie doesn’t live too far away from them, maybe a 20-minute drive by car. She lives with her mom and her grandma and doesn’t have siblings, not even cousins (which sounds crazy to Elisa, her brother has been there since she has consciousness and she’s barely getting used to him not being there 24/7. It was worse for her mom who cried back when they left him at BU). She has an uncle who is super cool but he’s barely there, mainly because her mom and him do not get along, because according to Callie  ‘my mom doesn’t get along with anybody’  which is the opposite of their mom, who would get along with a squirrel. 

Callie’s dad and mom never married, they didn’t even live together, and when he is sad and drunk he starts ranting about how Callie’s mom held back a laugh when he proposed marrying. He never found another woman either, and his only passion is the furniture store.

“He sounds like…” Elisa knows Michel is about to say  he sounds like a loser, ewwww  and while Elisa doesn’t disagree, she hits him in the arm. You don’t tell your friends their dad is a total loser, even if he is. “He sounds like he’s some dude.”

“But then again.” Elisa adds “For us, most men are some dude.”

But Elisa is kind of jealous that Callie has a kind and cool grandmother. Don’t get her wrong, her mom is amazing, it’s a miracle she is the way she is with the parents she has. The last time she saw her grandma, Elisa had been six and visiting the family (begrudgingly, on her mom’s part, now that she was old enough to understand) and the dinner ended with her mom and her girlfriend from back then grabbing them and driving the fuck away. One of the few times she’s seen her mom cry. Never saw her grandparents again.

“Where are we picking you up for the party? At this house?”

“Nah, at my dad’s.” Callie says as she gets off “Thanks for the ride. See you tomorrow.”

Dinner is nothing special, Mom asks Michel how college is and he says it’s pretty good and keeps his little mischief off the table. In exchange for his mouth shut about the Halloween party, Elisa won’t snitch on him. He got chosen for a play, so that’s good, and he will probably minor in writing so he can get a gig with Mom if the acting career doesn’t work out.

“Elisa’s been enjoying school, I heard.” 

“Mhm, she’s settled in quite well.” Her mom agrees, smiling at her “Her new friend has been very kind with her, I wouldn’t mind if you brought her here, Elisa.”

Oh.

Well, that would be cool too.

“I tell you, you don’t have to worry about getting grounded.” Michel tells her “Even if you get caught, she’ll let her Princess off the hook in a week.”

“Please, I’m not you.” Elisa grins “God knows she lets you get away with a lot.”

“Youngest child and only daughter? Elisa please, you could kill someone, and mom would cover you.”

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1998

The hospital stay was mostly peaceful. 

Perhaps it was the medicine they gave her that helped her to be calm, but at least she was allowed privacy except when the nurses came to check on her at certain times. She slept most of her stay and would wake up to her mom caressing her hair or Jackie holding her hand and distracting her while the doctors examined her. They had to stay almost a month because their body had to get used to nutrients again. She didn’t want to eat low-calorie food, she wanted Jackie to get her a greasy burger and some fries, but her mom managed to be a step ahead of her and explained to Jackie that Shauna’s stomach would be damaged if she ate recklessly and she might even throw up.

(It sounds like a lie – she has eaten way worse, and her stomach has endured, but her mom is a nurse, she must know more than Shauna about this topic.)

She’s never been calmer than at the hospital, probably because was given enough tranquilizer to sleep an elephant ever since that time when visit time was over and her family and Jackie had to head to the hotel and Shauna had a really bad reaction and they had to sedate her. When she woke up, they were there again, and they medicated her an hour before visit time so she was asleep long before they had to leave. 

She prefers it that way, these dreamless sleep and hazy hospital visits, even her dad came to see her, and her half-siblings. She was energetic enough that day to hug them and shake her dad’s hand. She doesn’t look at her brother when she hugs her half-siblings, but she knows he is looking at her wondering what he did wrong and that he is the only one she flinches when touched. 

It’s not you, Zeke. It’s me. 

But she can’t tell him that. 

She falls asleep again, and now Jackie is there (she is, more often than not). Holding Shauna’s hand with one and reading a book with the other — no, it was a notebook, but there was a book close to her too, some highlighters. The sight is almost too strange.

“Are – you doing – homework?” 

“Oh. Hi.” Jackie smiles at her “Uh. Sort of. I got permission from my professors, and my roommate is covering me and sending me all this, but I still need to study, you know.”

Study.

Right.

Jackie goes to Boston University now, it still sounds strange in Shauna’s ears, Jackie is a college student who probably has been worrying about sororities and homework and exams and has probably been going out every night while Shauna has been facing insanity, starvation, and death every day. 

Jackie has a roommate, and she hasn’t told Shauna but she overheard Jackie explaining to her mom that her roommate paid for her flight here. 

She probably has friends.

She doesn’t think about it too much, because a weird feeling settles on her stomach, and it has just returned now – even if Jackie isn’t doing anything wrong. Shauna was happy she wasn’t there, her Achilles would’ve probably caused her a lot of trouble. 

And if she had died on the plane, Shauna probably wouldn’t have fought as hard as she did. She’s glad she’s here, even if Shauna doesn’t think she deserves her. Instead, she decides to ask.

“What are you studying for?” 

“Oh, for my  Laws and Ethics , I also got two papers, one for my research and the other for reporting, I was supposed to do an actual reporting for this midterm, but my professor was really understanding and said I could do it for my final.” Shauna’s confusion must be evident because Jackie added “I’m in the journalism program.” 

Oh. 

She didn’t know Jackie had an  interest in journalism. She feels stupid, she almost forgot what a midterm was, she decides to focus on the TV instead, it’s mostly cowboy movies. Boring as shit. She probably would be worrying about midterms too, but the concepts of college and Ivy League sound too strange to her. Right, she got onto Brown – but she had long forgotten about that, only came up to mind again recently.

“Hey.”

“Hm?”

“…Take it easy.” Jackie tells her, and her smile always makes Shauna try to smile back “As soon as we are out of here, we’ll tackle anything together, I promise.”

Shauna is still getting used to this – to soft touches relaxed shoulders and  kindness.  In her nightmares, the kindest Jackie has called her is  whore , and it often went downhill from it. With unforgivable words being thrown at her and Jackie’s face burning into nothing.

The guilt almost makes her choke, so she decides to change the topic.

“If you are a journalist, you better not be like the ones outside.”

“As if!” Jackie grins “You don’t need a degree to be a paparazzi.”

Jackie tells her – as gently as she can – that in two weeks she will have to be gone for a couple of days for midterms, that she has delayed it enough and Shauna looked upset but told her to go. She didn’t want Jackie to lose her semester because of her – even when she was willing to drop off the semester to accommodate. Jackie tells her she will call, but Shauna tells her to focus on studying.

(It’s very easy to imagine something when you can’t touch someone – she doesn’t want to imagine a conversation just to find out it didn’t happen.)

Jackie comes back with a hoodie from her college and some sunglasses, gifts for Shauna that help cover her face when they leave the hospital. Shauna wonders if she deserves any of this.

Does she deserve such a loving family? Does she deserve to play video games with her brother when she slaughtered and ate someone’s brother to survive? A kid barely older than he is? Does she deserve a best friend that dropped everything she was doing took a flight and ran through the streets of New York to come to see her, when Shauna fucked her boyfriend because she could?

Her home feels foreign yet familiar at the same time, everything is like she last saw it. Including her bedroom. It’s the only thing that hasn’t changed. Eighteen months, it’s what her mom said, almost two years. Her mother has aged, probably because of all the trauma. Her brother is taller. Jackie is a sophomore at Uni. The world moved on without her, it’s what was expected.

“Shauna?” Jackie sounds concerned as the walks to Shauna’s room “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, just…thinking.” She says, looking at the wall “You’ll have to leave soon.”

“Yeah.” Jackie sounds regretful “But I will be back for Thanksgiving and holidays, and you can call me, and who knows? You might be able to visit soon.”

“Everything feels so weird, Jackie.” Shauna confesses “I…I don’t know, it feels…”  it feels like I’m asphyxiating.

“Shauna, take it easy.” Jackie assured her, sitting next to her “You are safe.”

Yes, she’s safe, she’s with her loved ones and the best friend she went through hell to see again so she could apologize. 

“I slept with Jeff.” The words come before she can even control them, she covers her mouth, but it is too late.

She expects confusion from Jackie, so Shauna can play it as a joke. She expects hurt and anger, so Shauna can get the punishment she deserves. She doesn’t expect this. 

“I know.” What? “Jeff…Jeff told me a couple of months after you disappeared.” Jackie explains, and some twisted hatred from Jeff Sadecki is born. This was supposed to be Shauna’s moment to come clean to Jackie. Who the fuck does he think he is? “I…I don’t get it, Shauna, but I’m not mad.” Jackie smiles “I’m glad you’re alive and…I didn’t like him anyway, so I think we can sweep this under the table.”

“I—…”

“I forgave you a while ago, it doesn’t matter.” Jackie pulls her into a hug “Here, don’t force yourself, we can talk about it later. We got all the time in the world now.”

And Shauna wants to stop crying because she doesn’t deserve to bury her face on Jackie’s neck and ruin her shirt with her tears. She doesn’t deserve the hoodie she got from BU so she could hide part of her face from the press. She doesn’t deserve being slightly rocked back and forth as her friend draws circles on her back and doesn’t let go even after Shauna calms down and they eventually fall asleep together.

She’s in the wilderness again, it’s just her and the girl. 

The prey moves with desperation, only worried about itself, never for the good of the group. Shauna prefers it that way. She doesn’t like when they refuse a hunt or try to kill themselves or even when they willingly give in. She loves the rush of it, it gets her blood going like nothing before. She feels alive. 

She doesn’t have to worry about anything now, only how to survive the winter, and she’ll survive, she always does. 

The prey is clumsier than the others,  so  it will be a short hunt, Shauna doesn’t know where the others are. Probably waiting. It’s only six of them left. She’ll think about it later. 

It falls into a pit trap, and the cheers of victory remind Shauna of her previous life when they were playing soccer. The body is still moving, that much she can see, she throws her weapon at it and it stops. A mercy. She doesn’t feel bad, she hasn’t felt bad in a while, she has to survive because she has to see…

Huh?

The cheers of the others become louder as Shauna walks closer, she doesn’t  see who it  is  with all the dark, but that is a soccer uniform and…

And Jackie’s lifeless eyes stare at her from the pit, as Shauna’s hold on the knife turns tighter.

Time to get to work.

Shauna wakes up screaming. 

New Jersey, 2021

Her mom thinks she is staying at her dad’s this weekend.

Well, it is not a lie, it’s just he is busy working overnight, which Callie would prefer even if she didn’t have plans. It’s better than hearing her dad cry on the sofa every night and his sad ramblings about being second fiddle to his mom or whatever the fuck. It’s not normal at all, having parents that remind her that they didn’t want her, but she’s grown numb to it now. Ms. Taylor is out of town, so they have the coast clear. 

A text saying  ‘ We  outside’  and a car honk as she finishes putting on some lipstick tells her she better hurry. Dad won’t miss the cash. Or this fake bloodied knife she got at Dollar General. There’s fake blood on her jersey (and she will wash it, promise) but other than that, she didn’t do much. She’s pale enough to be a zombie, and the fake knife will fit the rest, she supposes. 

“Callie! Hurry up!”

“Coming!” She says as she gets in the car “Wow.” She says, impressed, Michel looks like a bad boy straight out from…somewhere, Callie says a really old movie. “You are…”

“I told you she wouldn’t know it, should’ve gone as Jason,” Elisa says, and Callie gasps at how beautiful she looks. The zombie makeup makes her look like she crawled up from her grave, she feels self-conscious of her outfit now, seeing how the Taylors put effort into it “He’s JD from Heathers, you know, the one who almost blew up the school.” 

“Oh yeah, I knew that.” She totally didn’t, but that was okay “You look gorgeous! And creepy.” 

“Thanks.” Elisa smiles “Mostly Michel, hate to admit, he did my makeup.”At her feet there is a bag from Spirit Halloween stuff “Figured we can help you with yours, he learned from Tiktok and because he’s got a friend who studies this kind of stuff.”

“Oh wow, that would be…cool. Thank you.”

Callie feels a little jealous of their relationship – always has, since the day Elisa shared with her that her brother punched a guy two years older than him on the nose when a guy called her a bitch in freshman year. Like, obviously, they must have problems like all families do but they got each other’s backs, you know? Callie wishes she had a sibling to look up to or that they could bitch about mom with.

Someone who would do her makeup in the car, like Michel is doing. 

“You like football, Callie?” He asks as he tells her to stay still because otherwise his hard work would be ruined.

“Not really, never paid much attention to it.” 

“You really are Elisa’s twin, she doesn’t care for it much either, and we would go to watch games every week either live or on TV.” 

“Do you like it?”

“Oh yeah, I got tired, but I played till last year, was benched a lot in England, but in the States, I was a starter. Tells you a lot about the lack of infrastructure of this place, but won’t bore you with it.” A lot of those terms fly over Callie’s head “My mom though, she is a huge football fan, probably got it from her. Man, let me finish this and I’ll tell you this story…”

“Michel!”

“It’s funny as fuck! Anyway, here you go.” He gives her his phone so she can look at herself, and Callie gasps in amazement, her face is grey and there are scratches on her face and fake blood on her forehead and close to her lips, she would kiss him if she didn’t want to ruin his hard work “Do you like it?”

“I love it! Thank you!” 

They enter the gas station and they get some sweets and chips and some tea and soda, some water just in case they need it later. With luck, they’ll be able to be here till dawn and be at home before anyone notices, her dad is usually at home by 7 am. 

Not that he’d notice it, anyway.

“I like your jerseys!” A blonde lady with glasses says to them in the checkout line “Very authentic!” 

“Thanks.” Both girls say in unison, smirking at each other. 

The lady turns to see Elisa “Are you a frozen Yellowjacket?”

“No, I’m a zombie.” Elisa explains, grabbing an extra candy bar “She’s a zombie too, but a murderous one.” 

“Lovely! I am jealous of you girls, today it will be just me and Caligula waiting for trick-and-treaters. No parties tonight.” 

“Caligula like the Roman tyrant?” Elisa asks, raising an eyebrow 

“I will let you know, young lady, that there are sketchy sources on Caligula’s reputation.” The woman says, not unkindly “But it’s the name of my African Grey, I even made a little outfit for her.” 

“That’s cool.” Callie says, grabbing Elisa by the arm so she doesn’t get into an argument about history instead of going to a party “Happy Halloween!” 

“Happy Halloween! Go, Yellowjackets! Buzz Buzz!” 

As they get to the car again, Elisa pulls out her iPhone for a selfie and Callie joins without asking, pretending to put her lips to her cheek as if it was a kiss. She reminds her to put it on close friends, just to be cautious.

Her mom doesn’t have Instagram. Thankfully.

1998

Shauna doesn’t sleep after that nightmare wakes her up.

It takes her a while to calm down, Jackie attempts to comfort her but Shauna slaps her hand away in a way she would be more hurt if she didn’t know it was a reaction to whatever she dreamed of. She had been in Jackie's arms peacefully and all of sudden and then she had woken up screaming and bolted away from the hug. She observes Jackie’s movements warily, whenever she tries to come closer, Shauna takes a step behind until her back rests against the wall, almost as if she’s trying to camouflage. 

Okay, Deb told her something like this could happen, they went to eat at a buffet the night before the hospital discharge to discuss this. Shauna will be different and we don’t know the full extent of the trauma. It’s going to take a while before this is back to normal and they had to protect her from the press and not take it personally. 

The last one was probably for Zeke, but Jackie reminded herself of this too.

“Do you want some tea?” She asks, and Shauna looks at her warily – it’s almost like she doesn’t recognize Jackie “You can wait here, or don’t, you can follow me. I’m good.” 

The only reason why she knows Shauna is behind her is because she turns around and she’s following Jackie’s steps closely, almost too close, but her steps are silent and even though there is almost no distance between them she cannot sense or feel her breath. It’s kind of scary, but she can’t run away when she just got her back. So she turns around to check if Shauna is still following her, and she halts in front of Zeke’s room. 

“Shauna? He’s sleeping, let him rest.” 

“He 's awake.” 

“It’s late, Shauna.” 

“You know he’s awake.” 

Almost as confirmation, she hears the door closing in a very not silent way, and they can hear it getting locked. Jackie thinks she sees Shauna’s stare turning into a heartbroken look, and when she blinks again she has the same look as before.

“Let’s get going, Shauna, it’ll be good for you.” 

(She would think later looking back that it was almost like a wolf or a tiger from Animal Planet – a predator.) 

Her stare remains the same as she follows Jackie’s suggestion as they head to the kitchen, she has never been a tea drinker before going to college but her friend Maryam introduced her to it and it’s pretty good and better than coffee. Some of them even help to relax and sleep. Shauna is examining the kitchen knives one for one, she looks relaxed – almost smiling as she grabs a knife in hand and Jackie wants to tell her to be more silent because Deb is sleeping but also…

And they are alone, and Shauna is sitting at the table with a knife in her hand. 

Jackie shakes the thought off her head, she shouldn’t have gone to watch that dumb Slasher movie with Allison and Maryam to celebrate the end of midterms before coming here. God, she’s acting stupid.

“It’s ready.” Jackie forces herself to say, as she puts the cup of tea in front of Shauna, trying her best to ignore the knife “It’s hot, so wait a moment before you sip.”

“Okay.”

She knows that she shouldn’t force Shauna to talk – that she would open up when she needed to. Deb and the doctors told her that. Allison, who studies psychology, told her that. Maryam told her that. Common sense is telling her that.

But she wants to know why Shauna’s shoulders relaxed when she held the knife, and how she was observing them thoroughly, almost as if studying which one had the sharpest blades. To know what was behind those eyes who stared at the tea and Jackie couldn’t quite catch what was behind her.

She puts more honey in her cup of tea and disregards that thought.

“Jackie?” Shauna calls, and Jackie turns around, half relieved and half worried that Shauna looks back to…normal. Shauna looks a little startled“Why are we in the kitchen? Isn’t it like 4 am?” Her eyes go wide with terror as she notices the knife, and she slaps it away with a panic that when it drops to the floor, they know they’ve woken up the entire household.

“Shauna? Jackie?” Deb comes almost immediately – fortunately, Jackie is faster and picks up the knife and puts it in its place before she asks questions Jackie has no answer to “I heard yelling and a sound in the kitchen, you both alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jackie assures her, Shauna just takes turns looking at both of them “Shauna had a nightmare, and I’m making tea for us both. Sorry for all the noise. We’ll go back to bed.”

“You sure you don’t need me? To make you some snacks or something?”

“…No, mom. I’m fine. Thank you.” Shauna finally speaks, even though it’s clear to anyone that she is not. Deb hugs her tightly and smiles at Jackie before going back to her room. Shauna speaks again “Thank you, Jackie. I…I don’t remember coming downstairs.”

“No worries.” Jackie forces herself to smile “Don’t let it get cold, alright?”

The feeling of uneasiness fades away, as they drink in silence. Shauna looks at the cabinet where Jackie placed the knife with uneasiness, and Jackie isn’t sure if she wants it on her hand or if she is scared of having it too close to her. There are some wafers somewhere, Shauna declines them in a not-unkind way, so Jackie doesn’t get some for herself even though she is kind of hungry.

“Jackie.” Shauna says, looking at her empty cup “I…I don’t want to talk about me.”

“Okay.”

“I want to…I want to hear about you.” She says, a small smile on her lips “I wanna hear about Boston, we’ve…we haven’t talked about it.”

Oh.

Right, they haven’t other than promising Shauna she would visit her dorm soon as she kissed her on the forehead the night before falling asleep. Boston is nice – expensive as fuck, but it has a little bit for everything for everyone. She is glad she got out of Wiskayok, and out of her parents' reach, even in her grief, she managed to find friends, it’s because of her friends who pulled her out of the room that she fell in love with the city and it’s thanks to them she has decent grades.

She doesn’t tell Shauna that the grief almost killed her, that she didn’t allow herself to enjoy her freshman year as much as she could because there was a hole in her heart. Jackie doesn’t want her to feel guilty. It’s not her fault.

“I bet you run your sorority like the Navy.” Shauna teases, and the idea makes Jackie grin.

“Nah, tried and realized I hated that shit.”

“Really?”

“Tried because my roommate wanted us to, but she didn’t like it either, so no reason to stick around.”

Shauna asks if her roommate is good, and Jackie thinks that’s an understatement – Allison is  amazing , she is super smart with two majors, yet she was the only one who sat down with Jackie in freshman year and asked her what was wrong. Allison hugged her tight when she saw her when she went, and said she’d never seen Jackie as happy as now.

Maryam is annoying in the way friends that antagonize you can only be – she’s never had a friend like that before. They fucking fought all the time, and it was almost therapeutic for Jackie. Maryam had been the only one who told her to face her flaws, and it was kind of hurtful when Allison sided with her in arguments. Nevertheless, Maryam is the one who drags her off the room when she’s depressed and they get along quite well when there is a hookah between them.  I do like you, Jackie. Even if you’re annoying sometimes.

But Maryam was one of the few people who pointed out her flaws, and she was thankful for it right now, she wanted to be a better friend to Shauna now that she was back. 

“I’m glad, and I know this is gonna sound like an annoying relative but…” It’s the first time Shauna sounds lighthearted “I bet you got a super rich Harvard boyfriend.”

A  boyfriend.

It’s a joke, of course. Shauna doesn’t know – her stomach sinks with dread. She intended Shauna to know, but it’s just not this soon. 

“— Did I say something?” Shauna asks, and she reaches for Jackie’s hand. Her brown eyes meet Jackie’s greens “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no. You haven’t done anything wrong, Shauna.” Jackie reassures her, and forces herself to smile “It’s just I…I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh. Well, you are beautiful, any guy would be lucky to have you. You always could do much better than Jeff, obviously doesn’t make what I did good by any means but…”

“Shauna, Shauna. Listen to me, baby.” And now both of their hands are intertwined, holding them close to Jackie’s chest “I don’t want to have a boyfriend, I will never have another boyfriend.”

“Isn’t that too extreme? I mean I know that we fucked up but I don’t think you should give up happiness —“

“I’m a lesbian, Shauna.”

“Oh.” Shauna blinks multiple times, as if processing the information “Well, that is…unexpected…but not  bad  unexpected, you know?” Jackie lets out the  long  breath she was holding and Shauna stares at her with incredulity “I’m not a homophobe, Jackie.”

“No, no, of course you’re not.” Shit, the last thing they need is a misunderstanding “It’s not the homophobia that worried me, at least not  with  you. I just…I guess I was scared you’d think that I’m lying and… never mind, I’m just stupid.”

Of course, Shauna  doesn’t care  that Jackie is gay, she survived a plane crash and lived in the wilderness for 18 months. More important things are at hand when survival is key. She is so stupid.

“I mean…” They are still holding hands, but now it’s Shauna’s turn to hold them close to her chest “Are you comfortable?”

“Oh…yeah. I am happy that I figured it out, I had my suspicions but going to tell you once we got out of this town, not the most tolerant, you know?.” And she supposes she is rambling too much “Your mom knows, and you. No one else in town does, especially not my parents.”

“Your friends?”

“Completely supportive.” Even if they are straight, Maryam sent her to the LGBT community on campus so she could  learn  how to be gay. Unfortunately, when it comes to her sexuality, that is the last thing she needs help with. She’s great at this crushing on ladies' life. It’s really interesting, though, to learn about a community she didn’t know she belonged till now “I…it didn’t feel right that you didn’t know. I’m really glad you’re here, don’t forget it.”

“Yeah.” Shauna smiles and pulls her into a hug – and Jackie has to hold back tears. Glad to know her fears were unfounded. The hug is long, and it looks like Shauna wants to say something but decides to go for another conversation “So, you don’t have a girlfriend either?”

“I wish! No, I haven’t thought much about dating.”

(She’s been too busy crying to do so.)

“Well, you’ll find someone sooner than later,” Shauna assures her, and Jackie just shrugs with a smile – but the conversation turns a little more serious than what Jackie expected. “I think…I think it’s unfortunate that you have to hide part of yourself from people, especially because you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re…well…you.” And the simplicity of the comment made Jackie laugh “Jackie, you’re…you’re my best friend, if anyone tries to make you feel bad about it, I’ll…I’ll handle it.”

Looking back, Shauna probably meant to say  I’ll fucking kill them , Jackie would have probably not cared, even if she had said it.

But Jackie just nodded with a smile and soon they went to Shauna’s room again. She did mostly all the talking, tried to keep her stories as positive as they could be and only stopped when Shauna peacefully fell asleep in the middle of a chronicle.

She waits before falling asleep again, just in case she has to wake Shauna up from a nightmare. She’s careful to not do anything that startles her or wakes her up, but a twinge of worry grows in her heart – she’ll have to leave for Boston again soon. She  has  to finish the semester, Shauna herself told her so, and surely, after 18 months apart, they can do a couple of weeks.

But if she has constant nightmares (she will) then who will comfort her? Deb works nights more often than not, Zeke is a middle schooler, and there’s a limit on what can Jackie do over the phone.

She kisses Shauna’s forehead, short and sweet, and hopes it doesn’t wake her – but it does. Jackie will learn that the minimum sound will wake Shauna up. She doesn’t look wary or irritated, however, she just stares at Jackie in silence, as if studying her. 

“Sorry.” She whispers “Go back to sleep.”

Shauna says nothing for a while, she looks like she knows who Jackie is, but not at the same time. She reaches towards Jackie’s cheek, kisses her just as short and sweet, closes her eyes, and goes back to sleep. 

Jackie’s heart felt like a drum.

It is supposed to be a peaceful night, a daughterless night.

Callie is at Jeff’s. Candy is outside for the kids. Her mom is in New York with Zeke, and Shauna has the house all for herself and can watch the TV to her heart’s content. She used to hate having a place for herself because it reminded her how desolated the apartment felt when Jackie left, but now that she doesn’t have a daughter who constantly antagonizes her, she’s learned to appreciate it. 

The truth is that Shauna could have gone with her mother to see Zeke, but would rather not, she would just make things awkward. The relationship with her brother changed drastically after her return, and it was never the same after the day she thought he was reading her diary and she beat him up. 

(There was no journal in his hands, just a comic book paperback, she imagined it all. What was real, however, was her brother on the floor and the knowledge that if Shauna hadn’t stopped, God knows what could’ve happened. She was sobbing nonstop while she apologized and tried to get him to a MedRite, but he refused and locked himself in his room.)

They tried to fix the relationship, especially after Callie was born and they had an excuse to talk about it, because Zeke fucking loves Callie despite never seeing her much, but it never worked out. 

(He could’ve told Mom, but he never did – when she saw his purple eye and swollen lip, he said he got into a fight and that was the end of it. Shauna never faced any consequence for it whatsoever, not even a scolding.)

She’s aware that every time she declines the invitation the gap between them grows wider, and it makes her mom sad. She shouldn’t have to choose between her children (and she didn’t have to, because Zeke chose for her when he applied for CalArts and moved to Santa Clarita at seventeen). It used to make her feel fucking horrible and only increased her self-hatred. Sometimes, she thought she should have died there – always in the nice memories of her best friend and brother, instead of fucking it all up. But it’s been more than two decades, it is what it is.

God, why the hell she is paying for Netflix when all the movies are terrible? Hulu is too and she doesn’t feel like watching a new show. TV is terrible too, with conservative channels talking about how everyone is gay now and how it’s grooming and whatever. God, what a bunch of bullshit, Shauna had almost forgotten in her return that people cared about shit like that until Jackie looked terrified when she came out to Shauna.

(And she wasn’t angry at Jackie for that – just mad that she and other people had to hide parts of themselves because it didn’t fit.)

Sometimes she misses the simplicity of that place, where your only worry was kill or be killed – Van and Tai could finally be themselves even in such a bleak scenario because no one cared. Perhaps it fucked her up irreparably, but over there, it didn’t matter that much if she was broken.

Fine, she supposes she’ll watch something on HBOmax – Callie’s friend is paying for it, and Shauna sometimes watches on her channel just because she can. Or she was going to, because her cellphone rings – the name says  DO NOT ANSWER  but she isn’t particularly good at following good advice, so she picks it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Misty!”

Shauna hangs up.

Misty tries again, but Shauna does not pick up.

Then, she sees the preview of a message.

Your daughter has better manners
You’re so rude ,  Shauna! That’s how you treat an old friend?

First of all, Misty is not Shauna’s friend, second of all.

My daughter is with her dad
Leave me alone

I didn’t see Jeff around, but she looked very cute in your jersey.

What? 

Also! I met  Elisabeth, it felt like meeting a celebrity
looked very cute in the jersey as well
nice girl, even though she has misconceptions about the roman emperors

Wait, isn’t that name and the particular spelling…?

Jackie’s daughter?

Duh.
everyone knows she has two kids
Michel Henry and Elisabeth Denise
I admit, she’s good at names, very European and elegant
she looks just like her!

Why the fuck does Misty know the  second names  of Jackie’s children is a question that will have to wait but is certainly concerning. 

my daughter and jackie’s kid are running around together?
does she know?

unlikely. jackie must be working on her projects and i only saw them and her son who was putting gas 
it was such a flashback, shauna! 
elisabeth was wearing #9 and calliope #6, it reminded me of halloween parties when you and jackie went together.
speaking of, do you think jackie needs an informer for her new project? i’m part of citizen detectives, you know. i can be a great source.

Shauna runs to her room – where no one is supposed to touch her shit, and everything is where it should be. 

Except her uniform from High School.

Everything fucking falls into place like a puzzle.

Callie Sadecki has snuck out of Jeff’s reach and is probably at a Halloween party with Jackie Taylor’s daughter and they are fucking going as Yellowjackets. 

They are  matching outfits . 

Shauna calls Misty immediately.

“Where the fuck is Jackie staying at?”

It’s that fucking cop’s fault.

Elisa isn’t a girl who takes unnecessary risks. If she knows she is doing something wrong (lying to her mom) then no one needs to know (especially not her mom) and she needs to be as careful as she needs to be.

However, as she was posting the Instagram pic on her stories and putting the song Thriller as the background, a fucking cop stopped them for being 80 on a 60 highway but didn’t stop the ones who were at 100 mph. She almost panicked but just changed the story to close friends, had zero views too. Even masterminds have a margin of error, like Napoleon, except Elisa isn’t planning to invade Russia in winter.

At the time, she didn’t have time to think about it, because the dude was kinda weird looking at them and Michel was this close to calling him a predator if Elisa hadn’t told him to calm down. They got away with a warning, thankfully. God knows the last thing they need is her brother sleeping in a cell before the party even starts. 

“I mean…he was weird, but if you remove the mustache, he was kinda cute?” 

Michel turned around “Callie, once you are set free from compulsive heterosexuality, your life will change for the better.” 

Elisa laughed when Callie kicked Michel’s seat in response.

A childless weekend, Jackie needed this. 

Don’t get her wrong – she loves her children, and she likes to think both of them have her good traits and none of her bad ones. She loves hanging out with them, Michel and her watch soccer together through facetime sometimes and she has a foreign movie streaming app for Elisa and watches them with her. Yet sometimes you just need time for yourself, which is something she hasn’t had with moving and enrolling Elisa at school. 

(And look at Shauna through her car when Shauna wasn’t looking, and ignore her daughter’s suggestions of why she doesn’t just talk to  that lady  of course.) 

It’s not a party-hard   weekend either, those days are long left behind. It’s been more of a  marathon work  weekend since Friday. She had to do in-person interviews (easily her favorite part of the job, she came with candy for the children and it was a breeze from there), conduct some polls, talk with her boss and her editors, schedule calls with colleagues overseas, scheduling a presentation at NYU and Brown for next year, and online seminars and discussions with colleagues about how concerning is the rise of fascism in Europe and the US. 

Maybe she can relax in the jacuzzi, or maybe go to the pool, might even hit the bar – when was the last time she was with someone casually? 

Instead, Jackie is chilling in bed, scrolling through Instagram and liking pictures of her old friends and ex-relationships (yes, she’s friends with her ex-partners, Elisa says that they should marry her outright if she DMed them) and absentmindedly going through Instagram stories and — 

It’s a millisecond, and it disappeared too fast to screenshot, but she could swear it was Shauna’s child fake kissing her daughter’s cheek and…

Is that her jersey from High School?

Elisabeth
Where are u?
Answer asap.

She texts both of them – whenever her kids are up to mischief one is not too far from the other (once they put their entire clothing on the floor trying to imitate  Art Attack ) was that way when they were little. It’s that way now. Neither of them answers, and calls are useless too. She’s pissed off beyond belief. 

(If she was a little less furious – wow, Elisa looks really beautiful. You could put a picture of her and 16-year-old Jackie and they could pass as twins.)

She puts all her stuff in the bag – early checkout, it seems, and now she has to think about how to localize them. They are probably not too far away, in case they need to go home early. Michel is smart enough to have location off, Elisa isn’t as used to sneaking out to do that, but certainly Shauna’s kid must have told her to because she cannot localize her either. She checks Michel’s Instagram, and zero stories, and zero pictures other than trying a Jason Voorhees mask at her home. 

Whatever, she’ll figure it out, even if it means she has to wait for them all night. It’s the  lying  part that pisses her off the most, not as much as them sneaking out because God knows she did that with Shauna all the fucking time, but that they lied to her face when she asked if they had plans. 

Well, if that is her jersey, then they had a reason to not be honest because she was about to say no. 

And she’s with Shauna’s kid, God, and yes, she has her number – but Shauna doesn’t have hers, and the last thing she wants is to creep her out. She only has it in case of Yellowjacket-related emergencies, and she might be pissed beyond belief, but Shauna not having the worst opinion about her somehow is equal to stopping her kids' stupidity. 

Speaking of, as she takes the elevator and comes down the lobby, Shauna is somehow arguing with the lady at the front desk. 

She doesn’t need to ask herself  what the fuck she’s doing here . 

“Listen, I didn’t want to do this, but I’m an undercover government agent,” Shauna tells the woman, and Shauna is too engaged in the lie to realize that Jackie is behind her. “Ms. Taylor is in imminent danger, and only I can warn her, that is why I need her room number.” 

God, if she wasn’t so pissed off at her kids she would laugh because Shauna is accidentally funny as fuck. 

“We have to respect our customers’ privacy, ma’am.” The lady on the front says, not unkindly, probably for the fourth time. Jackie used to work the front desk in her youth, and this is probably not the craziest nor the most entitled customer she has been. Jackie better save her. 

“Her life is in your hands, Miss —” 

“Oh. Look, it’s the government agent.” Jackie interrupts, fortunately, the front desk lady seems to think this is amusing rather than weird. Call it old habits, but she grabs Shauna by the arm (and both of them pretend that Shauna didn’t freeze at the touch) and winks away at the front desk lady as she gives her room key “I’m afraid an emergency happened, so I must check out early, is there a chance I might leave my car here? I’ll come pick it up when everything gets resolved.”

“As long you keep the ticket, it can stay as long as you need, ma’am.”

“Thank you for the hospitality.” 

“Come back soon!”

As soon as they leave the building, she lets off Shauna’s arm before she does. There are many questions: how did Shauna find her hotel, if she found her hotel, then why didn’t she call like a normal person, or why did she choose the worst lie in the world when trying to reach her? All of those are shut down when she tells her.

“They’re in Wiskayok, in  our  uniforms.” 

Jackie is already in Shauna's van by the time she finishes the sentence.

Chapter Text

October 31, 1995.

Wiskayok, New Jersey, 10:30 PM.

“You are going to pay, Shauna!” 

“Nobody likes snitches, you freak!” Shauna says, as Jackie puts a chair under the doorknob to prevent Zeke from escaping his room, pick up the phone, and call Mom about something that went from babysitting to a party at Lottie Matthews’ “Should’ve been a good brother and not try to blackmail us.” 

“I’m so telling mom!” 

“And I’m telling her about the porn under your bed!” 

“It is not porn! It’s a magazine about videogames and anime and sometimes they draw women like th —” 

“We’ll free you before 7 am, Zekey!” Jackie promises as she grabs Shauna by the arm – they smile at each other as they walk away “You have your consoles and drinks and sweets there, so you see how considerate your sister is!” 

“Fuck you too, Jackie!” 

It's his fault if you think about it. He just came back from trick and treating and walked on Shauna and Jackie getting ready for the party and tried to blackmail them by threatening that he would tell Mom in exchange for a favor. So, Shauna grabbed him, Jackie grabbed his stuff, and now he’s trapped in his room for the rest of the night, if he can be funny, Shauna can be hilarious. 

Honestly, she would be more than happy to stay at home watching horror movies, even if Jackie is super jumpy and grips at her arm so much it almost hurts, she would even prefer staying and playing the SNES with Zeke (or rather annoy him while he plays until he finally gives her the remote) but Shauna is aware that they sort-of have to go to these parties, it’s the price of popularity, she supposes, and Jackie wouldn’t say no to a party. 

“You got everything?”

“You bet!” Jackie grins – pulling out the bottles of Patron her dad still thinks are at her home “Hope Natalie didn’t lie about getting the weed.” 

“She pulled out high to training once, doubt it.” 

“And she gave a killing assist, I am kind of jealous.” Jackie says with a grin “Glad you got your permit, that way we don’t have to rely on Jeff.”

“When are you getting yours?”

“Why would I when I have my driver now?” She smiles when Shauna rolls her eyes in fake annoyance as they enter the car “Besides, you don’t know directions, I’m your map.” 

They were originally going to be Heather and Veronica from  Heathers , then in the middle of October, Jackie decided she wanted to be a Victorian vampire like those from  Interview with the Vampire , but then they researched what they would  actually  need, and the idea got scratched. Then switched back to Heather and Veronica, and said they would be vampires for next Halloween. 

Regardless, Jackie would look pretty being anything – that’s who she is, and that’s why all boys try to talk to her to access Jackie, because who would be interested in Shauna when you could have her best friend? 

“You’re quiet.” Jackie notices as she grabs Shauna’s free hand “What you thinkin’ about, Shipman?” \

“Uh…” It’s a Halloween party, the radio is playing Zombie by Cranberries and MJ’s Thriller, but her inferiority complex loves to hit her from nowhere. Sometimes, she wondered if she should bring it up with Jackie, she always brings up her most vulnerable side with Shauna – it would be normal, right? Perhaps she should, but not right now “I guess I’m wondering if Lottie’s rich cousins are there.” 

“Shaunaaaaa, you gold digger.” Jackie teases, and she unwraps a fun-sized  Snickers  and pokes Shauna’s cheek until Shauna opens her mouth to savor it. Maybe that propaganda is true, because her mood improved, or maybe it’s just Jackie “I’ll approve it only if you don’t like him more than me.” 

“...You want me to like you more than my rich husband?” And they both erupt in laughter when Jackie says  yes, silly  “Also, where did you get this candy?” 

“I stole it from your brother.” 

“Stealing from a ten-year-old, you’re so evil.” Shauna unwraps Jackie’s favorite candy – a Crunchy chocolate bar and returns the favor “Sugar and liquor don’t mix, by the way.” 

Unsurprisingly, they have to park more or less away because everyone is at Lottie’s house, they even notice some shitty freshmen (what the fuck?) running around near the pool. Natalie (who’s high as hell) hugs Jackie as soon as she notices she has a bottle of tequila. Shauna has tried hard liquor, but it always tastes disgusting – yes, even vodka with orange juice, yes, she knows it’s weird she doesn’t drink orange juice with vodka but she drinks Malibu with milk, Jackie never fails to remind her of that.

There’s a lot that happens at that party that she will forget – either with time or because her mind will block it. She knows Mari tried to impress Akilah trying to do a trick in the pool and ended up being pushed into the water by Van, who didn’t know she couldn’t swim, so Taissa had to save her ass – her makeup was perfect before and after, Shauna still doesn’t know  how t hat happened. She remembers Jeff and Randy weren’t there, and how Melissa pointed out that Jackie looked happier than with parties with Jeff.

They began playing spin the bottle, and the bottle pointed out to Nat, and then Allie asked  truth or dare.  and Nat said  dare , and Allie said  I dare you to kiss Jackie on the mouth.  

“Taylor, come here.” 

And Jackie had been drunk and high and giggly and had gladly placed herself in front of Nat and she had kissed her.

It was barely a kiss, their lips barely touched, a couple whistles and some clapping by the few boys that were there, and now it is Jackie’s turn to spin the bottle, who is completely ignorant of that burning feeling on Shauna’s stomach, it falls on Natalie. 

“Nat, truth or dare?”

“Truth.” 

“Have you kissed a girl before?” 

“Well, you have short-term memory, Cap.” The other girls erupt in laughter, but no one notices Shauna isn’t laughing “Yeah, I have a couple.” 

“How does that feel?” 

“Nu-uh, I already answered your question, Princess.” Nat spins the bottle “No pouting, Cap, it’s unbecoming.”

Jackie sticks her tongue playfully at her “You’d know.”

“Laura Lee, truth or dare?”

“Truth!”

“Again?” 

And then, it eventually falls on Shauna. 

She wanted to be like Gen and Melissa and say  truth  to whatever stupid challenge they put to her, but Nat was tired of it, she said that from now on it was either  dare or dare  despite Laura Lee and Jackie’s complaints. 

Then, one of the quarterbacks that was at the party said it.

“I dare you to kiss Jackie.”

Jackie, who was sitting next to her, turned around to face her. The guy probably thought it was hot to see girls kiss, the imbecile, but that didn’t matter. Jackie looked beautiful in her Heather Chandler outfit, with perfect makeup, not a hair wrong, and yet, she was smiling in a way only Shauna would know she gets when Jackie gets  shy , she closes her eyes as she holds Shauna’s hand, as if giving her permission.

Shauna leans in, slowly when fucking Maria DiLaurentis said.

“Dares are supposed to be  difficult,  you know?”

And the laughter breaks the immersion.

Shauna has never wished to be hit by an asteroid so it kills everyone in town more than this moment. Of course, this bitch had to talk, she’s always hated Shauna – when Shauna doesn’t think of her at all, she hasn’t done anything to her. She can’t even talk back, she just lets go of Jackie’s hand and stares at the floor embarrassed, refusing to meet her eyes. 

“That isn’t cool, Maria.” Laura Lee says, weakly “We are just playing, and even if we weren’t —” 

Her defense (which was about to be interrupted by Van as well) is interrupted by the sound of Maria screaming, the sound of  splash!  and laughter that was no longer about Shauna. 

“The fuck, Jackie?” The other girl screams, her makeup is ruined and her costume is stuck to her body – she looks like a clown version of Alice in Wonderland with all that mascara ruined “Learn to take a joke!”

“Don’t mess with Shauna,” Jackie says, hands on her hips as she takes another sip of her bottle as if that was enough justification. It almost escalates – and if it escalates, it will end badly, because Jackie doesn’t know how to fight and it’s just all talk. Shauna takes a step forward almost immediately at Jackie’s side. However, the other girl knows she’s at a disadvantage, because the other ones stood up behind Jackie too, and even Lottie is quick to say that she doesn’t want problems at her party and that if there are problems, then they should leave.

It’s not directed at Jackie. 

DiLaurentis sends Shauna and Jackie a hateful glare and leaves before they can kick her out, call it pride if you will.

“I’m guessing the dare or dare is over?” Van asks, and Taissa punches her lightly in the arm “What?”

“How about we play something else?” Jackie suggests, trying to bring the tension down “Uh, do you got cards, Lottie?” 

“I do, and my dad got some chips.” 

“I don’t lose in cards.” Nat says smugly “Should we get money involved? I can get a fortune off Lottie and Jackie.”

“I’ll go get some snacks.” Shauna says “I’ll be back later.” 

She doesn’t. 

Instead, she hides under a table as she drinks some Irish cream Mrs. Matthews will not miss, she’s hiding for the sake of others – Nat is a happy drunk, who laughs it all. Jackie is an affective drunk, who will climb on Shauna’s lap and start kissing her cheeks. When Shauna gets drunk, she gets moody and a little aggressive, and she doesn’t want to cause Lottie more trouble than she already has. 

It’s not fair, how Jackie can kiss Natalie and she can joke about it, but Shauna gets mocked by it, especially because it’s often Jackie who starts the affection, either by holding her hand out of nowhere or drunk complimenting her. Shauna doesn’t even like physical contact that much unless it’s Jackie. 

Stupid party, she should have stayed harassing Zeke into giving her the remote so she could play the console that was meant for both of them but  he  acted like only  he  had a right to play with it and then they could have watched a scary movie and a few hours later she’d pretend to act annoyed when her ten-year-old brother climbs into her bed because he got scared. 

She’s only here because Jackie wanted to go out. 

“Snacks are on the table, Shipman, not under.” A familiar voice says, and of course, Jackie can’t let Shauna be for a couple minutes. The red coat is gone, and her hair is loose – probably lost them while playing poker and probably doesn’t give a fuck – she loses all shame when alcohol is involved. It’s probably why Natalie always tries to get her tipsy at parties, and then she asks the stupidest question “Are you upset?”

“No.” 

“Then come to play with us!” 

“I’m good, Jax.” 

“We can still get the money back of Natalie, I lost ‘cuz my good luck charm abandoned me without any sna—” 

“I said I don’t want to!” 

Somehow (because it’s always when she raises her voice that this happens) that does seem to get through Jackie’s skull, she blinks at Shauna, almost as if trying to figure out what was going on — almost as if it wasn’t obvious. “Can I sit with you here? I got you chili fries.”

That tone softened Shauna up – yes, she is irritated, but she knows it’s not Jackie’s fault and she stood up for her against that bitch, so she makes some space and Jackie smiles in victory, Shauna ends up smiling too, as small as it was.

“You’re super duper special to me, Shauna.” Jackie tells her with heartfelt sincerity “I don’t care what they think.” 

“You care about what everyone thinks.” Shauna retorts, weakly, sometimes she thinks Jackie cares too much.

“Fair enough.” Jackie concedes “But I care more about what  you  think than what everyone thinks.”

“Mmm.” 

“Look if…” Jackie puts her hand on Shauna’s tight “If you aren’t having fun, we head home after we sober up a little.” 

“Coming here was your idea.” 

“You not having fun is worse than losing my money and clothes against Nat, Shauna.” 

The offer sounds tempting enough – and somehow her introverted fantasy of staying at home now included Jackie in it. Jackie falling off a cliff like Mario and quitting because she sucks at video games, instead settling for watching Zeke and Shauna play. Her bed is invaded by her best friend and brother and it is definitely too small for the three of them but they make it work. If they free him now, he will not rat them to Mom. 

But as annoying as it was, she was having fun too before this whole shitty spin-the-bottle game, she doesn’t want to leave, it would mean that she lost. 

“I’m fine.” Shauna says, more securely “I really am, we can…we can chill here, for a while.”

Oddly enough, Jackie looks prettier now than when she left the house, sitting next to Shauna with her legs crossed and with some chili sauce on her white shirt and near her lips, it’s rare to see her so messy except for mornings. They judge people from their comfortable seats under the table, and they are pretty sure they saw a girl who has a boyfriend go to the bathroom with another girl all giggly and sharing looks. 

Shauna can’t pretend she isn’t curious, she’s kissed boys, of course, but girls might be different, she isn’t really sure.

“How is it kissing Natalie?”

“It wasn’t like, a French kiss, Shipman, was barely a peck.” Jackie rolls her eyes affectionately, but then she starts pondering about it “It was…fine, like Nat had been drinking whiskey so it was kinda  ew , but the kiss itself was fine.” 

The question goes unasked  do you want to try? 

There is no one here, just themselves. 

Jackie holds Shauna’s face with her hands, caressing her cheeks, almost as if waiting for the go – it’s just reclaiming an attempt of humiliation onto something for yourself, and satisfying curiosity, they are teenagers – this is the time to explore, isn’t it? 

Besides, Jackie has mixed all kinds of alcoholic drinks through the night, she will most likely not remember this – shit, Shauna might also forget in a couple days too. 

Shauna closes her eyes and nods as permission.

Jackie tastes like tequila rose. 

(They wake up the next day, her body sore from sleeping on concrete and a huge headache, and Jackie drooling on top of her. She hasn’t looked at the mirror, but she’ll know that her entire face has the kiss-shaped mark of Jackie’s lipstick on it – from the forehead to the lower chin. Opened chips and half-eaten food and bottles of alcohol near them.

Fortunately, they are found by Lottie – who tells them she’s been looking for them all night, Jackie half apologizes while half asleep, and Shauna closes her eyes as the sun is too blinding, and then —

Sun? 

“Lottie, what time is it?”

“9 AM.”

Their eyes open like plates, they are so fucked.)

October, 31st, 2021

Wiskayok, New Jersey

11:00 pm.

Elisa’s first thought upon seeing the house was that there were many people, and they hadn’t even entered yet. Out of habit, she clings to her brother’s arm. Callie says something that before this year, Max’s parties were in Manhattan, but they decided on a retro theme (and his parents fucked off to a honeymoon to revive a failed marriage) so they decided to do it in suburban New Jersey. It’s Max’s maternal grandparents' abandoned home, it has a spooky vibe that comes from neglecting the house.

Callie says that it is said the grandmother shot Max's grandfather because he found him in bed with another woman and that it is said you can hear the shotgun at night. What a bunch of bullshit. They knock on the door two times, and Max Johnson shows up dressed like a vampire, he smiles as he sees Elisa – who smiles back without effort. 

“Hi, Maxxie.”

“Hi Callie, hi Elisa…” His eyes switch to the slightly taller figure between the two girls “And you are her…brother, I assume?” 

“Correct, and you better have nothing but honorable intentions with my sister.” 

Elisa slaps him in the arm as if anyone would be intimidated by an acting major with eyes too big for his head. Max assures him nothing will happen, he has two younger sisters and hopes he enjoys the stay. A girl in Britney’s  Baby One More Time  outfit greets them and says she likes the Yellowjackets costumes, very retro, and the zombie makeup is perfect. A group of girls dressed as the Heathers and Veronica basically snitch Michel away (his protective brother act lasted five minutes) and he tells them that if they catch two missing calls, they are gone. 

If Michel wasn’t gay, he probably would be a ladies man, considering how he always hangs out with girls – Elisa knows her mother is probably glad she doesn’t have to worry about a pregnant girl in her home. 

(“...I don’t, right?” Her mom asked her, and somehow the question pissed Elisa off, who does mom think she is! 

“...Are you serious, mom? Of course not.”

“Alright, alright, just checking!”)

Elisa isn’t a fan of crowded spaces, especially in unfamiliar spaces, she won’t make a big deal about it – she only had one panic attack in Stamford Bridge, and that place is full of drunk Englishmen, okay? And it was still super embarrassing, even if it gave her the option to skip games and then choose what to do another day. At this party it’s not that extreme, but still…

It’s kinda disgusting seeing people crash on the floor so early, what happened to class? 

The outfits are a success, at least, everyone stops them to compliment them – occasional questions about Callie about what happened back there? Which she either ignores or flips the finger at them. 

“Why did we choose these outfits when people would annoy you about it?” 

“Cuz it’s like…I’ve been teased with it all my life like people call my mom a maneater, and they would befriend me just to see if I knew something.” Callie explains as she pulls out her vape. 2“It’s kind of reclaiming my heritage if that makes sense. Why did you agree to this, anyway?” 

“It’s good Instagram material, I got a brand to run.” 

Callie pulls out her iPhone “You’re so right.” 

New Jersey, New Jersey

10:00 pm.

The last time Jackie had been in a car with Shauna, it had been after she got discharged from the hospital. 

Shauna and Jackie’s relationship deteriorated quickly after Shauna caught her red-handed, Jackie couldn’t even ask her stuff without being told to leave her alone or to stop trying to micromanage her when all Jackie wanted is to know where the fuck she ran to in the middle of the night and she was concerned about Shauna drinking too much. She took it with little resistance at first, after all, she’s the one who had broken her trust, but at some point, you meet your fucking limits. She is not a saint. 

Especially because it was the 00s, and Jackie was nineteen and she got onto  something  with Shauna. Not something she wants to talk about, it’s not the point. They were not dating – Shauna herself told her the night of the diary that they were ‘ fucking nothing’ . However, that didn’t erase that when they were under the same roof they often slept together and she always gave Jackie mixed signals just to Jackie to find out Shauna hated her all along.

(And then when Jackie asked why she stuck around if Shauna didn’t like her, Shauna got even more mad, which in itself was frustrating and caused Jackie to be mad. She’s not a Saint, but she was also nineteen-twenty, barely older than her son if she thinks about it.) 

The whole point is that she needed advice, so she took a weekend off to Boston (left a note saying  will be back on Monday, please be safe. – jackie  she almost wrote  I love you in  the note and decided against it last hour, sometimes she wonders if that would have changed anything) to see and talk with her friends because she needed advice, she got it (and got called a shit friend because she hadn’t spoken to Allison and Mar in months, which hurt, but wasn’t wrong) and was going to return to Wiskayok to talk to Shauna. 

That she was going back to Boston, to Uni, after some semesters off, and she should come with her – and most importantly – they could start over, she felt oddly optimistic. 

So you could imagine how it felt when she enters the apartment, and Shauna and Jeff are fucking in the kitchen. 

She doesn’t remember how Jeff looked, though she spared him a glance and he was actually putting his pants on. Jackie walks towards Shauna, who’s in her flannel shirt and has messy hair and doesn’t break eye contact even once. 

The sound of the slap was so clear it even surprised her. 

(There’s no way she didn’t do it on purpose, Shauna knows where to hit Jackie where it hurt – she had been hitting her weak spots for months.)

Shit got worse, a lot of yelling, a whole lot of crying – Jackie doesn’t remember what she said, she was just telling Shauna to leave, and when she didn’t do it. When she stood still, never not meeting Jackie’s gaze. She knew it was time to go. 

She was in a hurry to leave somewhere – to Boston, to New York, to her fucking parents’ house (which is crazy) and as she ran downstairs she stepped wrong and fell all the way through the stairs and ended up hitting her hair against concrete. The last thing she remembers is Shauna calling her name and something warm on her head. 

It was an accident, she doesn’t blame Shauna for that. 

But the drive to the apartment had been horrendously silent – and then Jackie had said  I’m leaving for Boston  and despite everything, she had asked Shauna to move in with her. 

Shauna had said she couldn’t, and that had been final. 

Or it  should  have been.

Because she is in a car with Shauna Shipman for the first time in twenty-one years and this is as awkward as it can get and the only person who is saying anything the radio playing top 100 hits.

I saw you dancing in a crowded room (uh)

You look so happy when I'm not with you

But then you saw me, caught you by surprise

A single teardrop falling from your eye

I don't know why I run away (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

I'll make you cry when I run away (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

Take me back 'cause I wanna stay

Save your tears for another

Save your tears for another day (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

Thank you, Elisabeth . 

Jackie hates silence – she had forgotten how uncomfortable they could be. She’s used to noise in her life. The TV in the background, calls to answer, and a videogame in the background. Her kids yelling at each other because Michel took Elisa’s Converse (same shoe size) and she told him that  Iron Man dies in Endgame  hours before he went to see it, and acted like the end of the world (it’s good, wonderful thing that he acted like it was the end of the world, it meant he didn’t know true anguish – isn’t that what Jackie as a mom should strive to?)

Easing people into talking is better than keeping silent, you know?

Fuck it, time to test the waters.

“So, uh…how are you?” She asks, clapping her hands and trying her best to be nonchalant about it. This is probably more intimidating than when she’s to interview big personalities or politicians “What have you been up to? It’s been a while.”

“I’m good.” She accelerates in a yellow that Jackie is pretty sure was actually a red “Work at a bank.”

“That’s cool.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

So she’s going to only talk if Jackie asks questions, okay, she can do this if she doesn’t mess up.

“Hope the family is doing well.” She actually kept in contact with Deb for years after they had their fallout, sent her a picture of her son when he was born and Deb sent her an elaborate letter on what to do and don’t in the first years. The contact stopped, but it was most likely because overseas mail was pricey “Your mom must love to be a grandma.” 

“Tell me about it, sometimes it feels like they conspire against me.” Shauna answered, and her tone was less strained — almost relaxing “She’s good, yeah, enjoying retirement. Callie is the center of the universe in her eyes. I don’t really…talk to my brother these days, but Mom says he’s fine.”

“Oh. Sorry to hear that.” They go silent again, and somehow it’s more awkward now than it was before, nice job Jackie. “So uh…”

I might be weak and a coward, but you wouldn’t like anything else, wouldn’t you! You are a fucking coward, Shauna Shipman! (...) You are a coward because you can’t accept that —

“Married? Dating?” 

“Never.” Shauna snorts “Occasional stuff here and there, nothing to bring home to dinner. They never last enough.” And then drops the bombshell “Before you ask, Jeff is Callie’s dad” 

—- Okay.

It’s bad that she’s disappointed?

In her memories, Jeff is almost a non-existent entity, sometimes he sees him on the jocks Michel played with in High School that made Elisa frown in disgust. Other than that, Jeff Sadecki is a knife, Shauna’s favorite knife, one she twists around Jackie’s heart and stomach whenever threatened. 

(And yet there it is, that bitterness boiling in her stomach – perhaps it had been a mistake, never properly to talk about Jeff when things were good within them. Yet how could she? Right off the rescue, in Shauna’s most vulnerable? They could have spoken about it later, though.)

“Jeff got you pregnant”  Again  but this goes unsaid, and it’s not something Jackie would ever bring up “And he didn’t marry you?” 

“I didn’t want to marry him.” Shauna answers, her eyes on the road “While you were sipping tea with the Queen, I was in a bad moment —” 

“Phones are a two-way street.” Jackie interrupts, and this might be going into dangerous territory, but she’s way past caring.

“Yes, Jackie. I was going to pay extra money to call someone I didn’t talk to anymore.” 

“You could have, if you  wanted  to,” Jackie told her – she might have left, but she always left the door open for Shauna to reach out if she needed her. It was the last words she told her for years “I would’ve answered the phone, Shauna.” 

“If I wanted, and I didn’t.” Shauna tells her, turning to face her “You still struggle with shit that’s none of your business, don’t you?” 

None of her business. 

Shauna’s right,  partially,  at least.

“Regardless of how everything ended.” Jackie insists, and she can tell how Shauna’s frown deepens even without looking “You and I were friends for  years , or at least…”  or at least I thought we were.  Let’s not go there “If you are in a tough situation and you choose to fuck Jeff in a self-sabotaging episode instead of….”

She covers her mouth immediately. 

Shit.

Kathy had actually said that her having no filter was actually a good thing for a reporter – except she said it in the worst way possible.  You have a loud mouth, can’t read the room, and can’t shut up . Fucking old bitch (may she rest in peace) but the worst thing is that it wasn’t wrong.

“Sorry.” She apologizes – even though she has a feeling it’s too late “I overstepped.” 

“You tend to do that.” Shauna answers – and Jackie sees her close her eyes and takes a deep breath “I beat up my brother, he ran to fucking California to get away from me.” 

“ — Shauna…”

“You crossed the pond to get away from me.”

“That didn’t happen.” 

“Stop looking at me like that!” Shauna raises her voice, and Jackie admittedly takes a jump back “You fucking invalidate my feelings and then you have the gall to interrogate…” 

“Interrogating?” Jackie whispers, incredulous, she almost says that if  I wanted to really interrogate you, unlike those idiots that knock on your door every few years. I would get you to sing , but she doesn’t. Her pride in her profession is hurt, but will have to wait “And I’m not judging you – God, Shauna, why is it so hard for you to believe that I…”

The red and blue lights behind them end the argument, they look through the rear mirror at the same time. 

Cops.

“Fuck.” They mutter at the same time as they look at each other, they both share the same thought. 

This is going to be a long night.

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1:15 AM.

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa

I'm too sexy for this syrup

Too sexy for your girl

Too sexy for this world

Too sexy for this ice

Too sexy for that jack, yeah, yeah

I'm too sexy for this chain

Too sexy for your gang

Too sexy for this fame, yeah, yeah

Callie Sadecki is so fucking dumb.

Elisa should have stayed home watching Asian horror video game playthroughs all night, but she didn’t want to be  lame  in front of her friend and how does Callie repay her? By going off to hang with that stupid boyfriend of hers. Nice girl till a boy is involved. 

She takes a sip off her rum with coke and sees Michel talking with some boys, he waves at her and she waves back, but she’d rather hang with the family cat, Cleo, who’s now super attached to her as she scrolls through twitter while CLB is playing.

Ah,  gaylot  got exposed, thread and all. Callie would probably find that funny when she gets her shit together. Which made her annoyed again, she should probably help her follower who is most likely spiraling. Doxxing is a crime, mom always says. 

“You’re probably smarter than my friend.” She complains to the cat who validates her with a  meow .

Everything was going fine, dare she say that she was having fun actually being out of her comfort zone, but then someone offered them some pills (Michel says if they have cartoon faces it's Molly, and that scared her – she’s never taken drugs). Callie took them and was all eager and happy, almost manic, but tried to put it on Elisa’s face and Elisa slapped it away. Callie called her boring when Elisa said no, they had an argument, and the last time she saw her she was dancing with that idiot boyfriend of hers.

“You don’t look like you’re having fun.” The host says, with black hair and Dracula teeth “The party not of your liking?”

“It’s okay.” Elisa just shrugs “Somehow is the least annoying thing tonight...”

“Had a fight with your friend?”

“Sort of.” Elisa rolls her eyes, Max is cute – she’s never been boy crazy, but Max doesn’t act like those idiot popular jocks even if he’s built like one. He seems level-headed and looks like he has memorized the multiplication table, and he’s kind of handsome “Don’t wanna talk about her, though. What are you doing here?”

“I figured it was a good time to step away from craziness.” He tells her, sincerely “I don’t really like these events. I’d be chill with a small party with my friends.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I suppose it’s expected of me…” He shrugs “My parents were super popular in high school, so it’s up to me to carry that legacy.”

“How so?”

“You wouldn’t get it.” And then he looks at her outfit “My mom  hated  them, the Yellowjackets.”

“Why?”

“The captain pushed her to the pool when they were juniors, and had the entire team behind her,” Elisa remembers hearing her mom was the captain.  Huh . Well, probably deserved. Elisa doubts that even at sixteen her mom would hurt anyone without reason. Not something to reveal this early, though “But my mom took the crown in senior year…”

“…Cuz the captain had such a horrible depression that she skipped prom and wished death on her boyfriend” Elisa finishes, and when he looks surprised, she just explains “I have my sources.”

“Oh.” At least Max is smart enough to put 2+2 together “And that outfit…?”

“The real deal, but don’t ask me many questions, I don’t know much.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. I mean…I like you for who you are, you are cool. You aren’t afraid of saying it how it is.” She raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t interrupt him “And your brother seems nice, he actually managed to steal the spotlight at this party. He was playing blackjack with Uno cards.”

“Sounds like him.” Her brother, for all his faults (annoying, big-mouthed) would probably find the spotlight in Mars “You only say that because I haven’t said something upsetting.” 

She actually had this conversation with her mom once – her mom told her that people don’t really like the truth, not really, because the truth can be ugly and hard to deal with. People like being told that they were correct all along. However, a good reporter needs to make sure their work is digestible, because truth, even if ugly, is necessary. 

“Well…will you?”

She has always liked the concept of boys more than an actual boy, and it’s too quick to say she likes it. But a friend wouldn’t hurt.

“Not if you don’t give me reasons to.”

“I’ll try not to” He smiles “Me and some people will be upstairs if you want to join us.”

She’s about to say  yes  when she sees another figure in a similar outfit to her storming off in tears. Getting lost among the other people in the party who do not care, party drama is forgotten by the next day.

Unfortunately, the crying girl is Callie.

Oh shit.

Okay yes, she dropped her ass to be with her boyfriend with people she barely knows, but she’s also her (annoying) friend – even if she called her stupid in her mind like a thousand times after their argument. Sigh.

Even if she’s dumb, she’s her friend, time to check on her. 

“I’m sorry, I got to…” She shrugs “I got to check on her, I might drag her upstairs later, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t. Good luck, Elisabeth.”

“Elisa is fine.” 

The only person who calls her Elisabeth is her mom when she’s angry. 

New Jersey

10:45 PM.

“Fucking hell, is that  Kevyn fucking Tan? ” Jackie mutters, the tension between them vanishes for a second thanks to the immediate worry of the cops. She raises an eyebrow when Shauna looks at her waiting to explain “Kevyn from high school?”

“Oh.” Honestly, she hasn’t been to Wiskayok in years, she knows the name – but the faces are mostly a blur. Why the fuck does Jackie remember this random kid they went to school with? “The goth one?” She asks, pretending not to be half-panicked, she really doesn’t want a fine considering she might or might not have gotten into a fender bender 2 days ago.

Jackie must have noticed it because she squeezed her hand really quickly as comfort as she nodded to confirm that it was the former goth kid. Like she used to do this all the time and ask her gently  do you want to watch something?  to snap Shauna out of her trance because she was staring at a turned-off TV for who knows for long. It tended to mean  let me help you  or  let me handle it .

She tended to like it, most of the time, or at least didn’t hate it, except when it turned into overbearing and controlling as it always does with Jackie. It’s surprising that she lets her kids do whatever they want, considering how much of a control freak she could be.

But she can’t really control Callie – so it’s not her place to judge on that.

“Hello, Kevyn.” Jackie smiles, a perfectly friendly neighborhood smile that would fool anybody except Shauna “Or should I say, Officer Tan?”

“Jackie and Shauna, a blast from the past.” Kevyn says with indifference— typical goth kids who end up becoming the cops who would chase them across the city “Drivers license, Shauna.”

She glares at Jackie when she looks at her as to say  comply  like she fucking needs to be told so. Kevyn Tan seems to be completely unaware of this strange limbo between love and hatred. Instead examining Shauna’s driver's license and giving it back to her.

“Shauna, you were going too fast, you drove through a red.”

“It was a yellow.” She looks at Jackie for some support and the other woman stares at her as  that was very much a red, Shauna . Which makes her glare grow stronger as she mentally sends her a mental message that says  well, you should have said anything then . Leave it to Jackie to never say important things but interrogate through small talk when it was clear Shauna didn’t want to talk “And everyone is going fast too! You might as well just stop everybody.”

“We are kind of in a hurry, Kev.” Jackie explains “Our daughters are old enough for escapades, you see. And they might be on Wiskayok, and you know how crazy kids can be, you got children?”

All credit where it is due, it’s a remarkable performance.

It’s 30 minutes of distracting and charming a police officer into letting them go without even a fine for Shauna, they even got some information out of him. Shauna doesn’t doubt Kevyn thought he was giving the information willingly rather than Jackie managing to fool him into giving it out to them. 

Bobby Johnson and Maria Di Laurentis were the worst people Shauna knew in High School but were forced to interact because they were all popular. Got married and had three children. Bobby Johnson was a quarterback who once drunkenly slapped Jackie’s ass at a party and Shauna saw how her facade broke in almost real-time by the way her lip was quivering, almost as if she was going to start crying, and she took her out of there because otherwise she would’ve smashed a bottle in Johnson’s head. He’s rich, always has been, and has a history of domestic abuse but is always protected by his buddies in the force (how the fuck Jackie managed to find this out is beyond Shauna). 

Maria Di Laurentis was pathetic, always tried to be in Jackie’s graces and Shauna doesn't think Jackie even noticed her presence before she tried to humiliate Shauna. Her parties were as big – if not more eventful – than Lottie’s, but Jackie never attended because it was the same birthday day as Shauna’s. There was an invitation for her sweet 16 on Jackie’s locket, and she absentmindedly threw it into the trash as she talked about what  Shauna  should do on her birthday. Maria had walked right in that very exact moment and Shauna had to fight herself to not erupt into laughter. She doubted Jackie even meant it to be mean, she just was in her own world.

Anyway, the point is that the most annoying people Shauna knew had a son, and the son was known for throwing parties on Halloween. Jackie confirmed he was enrolled in the same school as the girls, it all fits. He managed to let them go with a warning, and that was all.

This is not how her night was supposed to go.

They stopped to put in some gas, and then Jackie said she was hungry and was going to get some food, which irritated Shauna again.

“Sure Jackie, take your time while your kid is getting high with Bobby Johnson’s spawn.”

“…Elisabeth.” She answers coldly.

“What?”

“My daughter’s name is Elisabeth.” 

“I know that?”

“Then call her by her name, she has one.” Jackie rolls her eyes “I’ll be back.”

Fuck.

There’s too much baggage between them, too much resentment for them to act like nothing happened.

It was easier when Jackie was away – across the pond, across the country, when she was accessible through the TV, books, and articles in  The Washington Post,  a cultured, knowledgeable version of her that finally got her head out of her ass and realized there was more to the world than herself. A version of herself that didn’t argue nor asked questions that weren’t any of her business. 

(Well, she supposed that wasn’t entirely true, she made a career of getting into other people’s business, but it was different, okay? It wasn’t a breach of friendship like with Shauna.)

I think you are lying to yourself, Shauna. I think you are mad I read it, and I am sorry, but that is not the whole truth. 

Oh? Then what is the truth, Sherlock? 

That is something for you to come to terms with  Jackie’s cold tone softened as she looked at her luggage  regardless, I…I am your friend, always. 

It’s a mistake being awake so late, and it only happened because Callie and Jackie’s kid (Elisabeth, whatever) decided it would be cute to match outfits of something that traumatized Shauna to the bone yet couldn’t bring herself to let go. 

Yet, she’s going to her childhood town – the town she and Jackie grew up in, where they lived through most of their adolescence. The town they went to school with and would go to diners to get milkshakes. The town where Zeke would beg her to get to the arcade or the comic store so her van was full of nerdy kids and she would call Jackie so she wouldn’t be alone with them. 

The town that saw her return, the fallout with Jackie – the fucking accident that makes Shauna not sleep sometimes, the town her mom decided they had to abandon for her own sake.

(The last time she had been on Wiskayok had been the last time she saw Jackie, actually. With a kid – a ten-month-old with brown hair who stopped crying when Shauna held him. 

Perhaps she should have found out if Jackie was staying alone in a hotel or if she needed help because having a  kid on your own must be tough , and maybe she could have helped and maybe they could have resolved their issues. Instead, her abandonment issues made her spiral and fucked Jeff Sadecki again, because he didn’t have a girlfriend after Jackie so it was the closest thing to it. 9 months later, she gives birth to Callie in Florida. Shauna doesn’t know how her train of self-destruction would’ve turned to if her mom hadn’t refused to give up on her.) 

“I’m back!” Jackie greets – as if she forgot the tension that surrounded them five minutes ago. It’s something that irritated Shauna a lot, especially when they fought and Jackie assumed everything was cool after some hours. “Sorry how I acted up, I was hungry.” She hands Shauna a closed bag “Hopefully you still like it, if not, uh…I’ll just give it to my kids when we get them.”

Shauna opens the bag and recognizes what it is immediately. 

Oh . 

It’s a chicken sub with fries and Sprite, and Shauna takes a bite off it – it has her favorite topics, green peppers, onion, and tomatoes with honey mustard and ranch on it and is toasted to perfection. She hasn’t had one of these in  forever , but it used to be her to-go order. What she would eat late at night when they talked about moving to New York together and how Shauna was going to be this successful author and Jackie would be her biggest and first fan and Shauna better remember that.

Jackie takes a bite off her own sandwich, and Shauna can see there is pepperoni and salami on it – probably lettuce, pickles onion, and green peppers as well, with sweet onion, sriracha, and ranch on it. The small remnants of sauce across her lips all but confirm her suspicions. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she would remember things Jackie liked – especially if Callie liked it by some ironic trick the world liked to play on Shauna –. Her favorite movies, what foreign food she enjoyed, her favorite milkshake (Nutella). Things that she didn’t have any reason to remember when she was across the pond, things that sometimes she got mad she still remembered because she would get nostalgic about it.

Jackie smiles at her, and Shauna smiles back and that’s another problem, isn’t it? 

That is just not resentment within them, there is also a lot of affection.

“Thank you.” She says, and after some silence, she resumes talking “I moved to Florida in ‘05 with my mom after she found out I got pregnant.” 

“Oh, that is news.” Jackie blinks, taking another bite “Did you like it?”

“It was okay, too humid though, summers were unbearable.” But it was good – it was different, but her mom had been right about her needing a change “But it…it helped me, I hate to say it, but it’s true.” 

“Oh, that’s really good, Shauna.” Jackie tells her, and Shauna refuses to look at her because she knows she’ll be met with an affective look “I’m really glad to hear it.”

“Yeah.”

“Listen I…” Jackie takes a sip of her soda “I don’t like fighting with you Shauna, I’m not gonna ask you anything anymore. Don’t worry.”

Shauna doesn’t like fighting with Jackie either.

She mostly did it out of reaction, when she didn’t know how to process it. Breaking that trust meant that Shauna had free reign to say everything she felt about Jackie in the span of the moment. She always felt some satisfaction when Jackie would just shut up and go to her room without speaking to her after Shauna told her four truths.

But she felt bad about it – a part of her always wanted to take it back, but it was easier for her self-sabotaging part of her brain to fuck shit over.

Shauna stopped arguing once the  accident  happened, and Jackie left not soon after.

“We should get back to the road,” Shauna says, finally, and Jackie nods in agreement. She handles her a napkin, and Jackie smiles at her – a big smile that makes the laughter lines more prominent. They need to get back on the road because she shouldn’t feel like saying  fuck it  to their shitty kids and just spent an entire night catching up in Shauna’s house “It’s getting late.”

1998

Wiskayok, New Jersey

Jackie tries to go back home every weekend, sometimes she skips class on Friday to stay one more day.

Before she always found an excuse not to – homework, parties, being broke, but now  Shauna  is back and the relieving distance between Massachusetts and New Jersey was more of a pain than anything. She can do this, for a couple weeks till Thanksgiving break and then Christmas. Sure, she’ll have to go home for a couple days, but other than that, she doubts her parents will even notice her absence.

Jackie, how is your friend?  Her roommate asks her every Monday when she sees her  How is the recovery?

Well…

Jackie doesn’t know, how does recovery look like? 

You don’t know what version of Shauna you will get until you see her. Sometimes she looks fine – as fine as she can be, and greets her with a hug and asks her how her week was. Sometimes she doesn’t realize Jackie’s presence until she is well established in the house, staring at the turned-off TV or to the channels with no signal, and will shake her head when you ask her (nicely, of course) if she wants to watch something else. Sometimes she is almost detached from this world, like a ghost in her own home. Sometimes she gets overly attached.

All of this Jackie can handle — sometimes.

Yes, sometimes she gets a little  startled  around Shauna – and she thinks Shauna realizes because she looks down at the floor immediately in shame. It’s not Shauna  herself , it’s just her steps are so silent you don’t really hear her. But if Shauna feels awful Jackie feels awful, so she tries to make it up as much as she can, and try to not be – slightly disturbed when Shauna acts weird at night?

She knows Shauna watches her while asleep, once Jackie woke up suddenly and saw Shauna on top of her – not doing anything wrong, per se. Just on top of Jackie and staring at her with those brown eyes of hers that were closer to a wolf than the bright, shining brown eyes that Jackie loved most of her life. She had to stifle a scream and Shauna got off her and she went back onto her shell for the rest of the day. Jackie learned her lesson: to just let her be when she does things like that, even if they don’t make any sense.

She also can’t talk to  anyone  about it because it sounds crazy.

Jackie asked her roommate (not going into details about anything) about these things because psychology majors must know, right? Post-traumatic stress disorder, Allison said, it was likely that she had it and she should probably go see someone about it because it shows in different ways. Jackie has only met only one person with PTSD and it was a relative who went to Vietnam that she never spoke to.

“Both of you go to your rooms!” She hears Deb raising her voice, and somehow that makes Jackie straighten up her posture before she knocks on the door “And I told you—“ she softens at the sight of Jackie “Hi honey, exhausting trip?”

“I’m fine.” She smiles, though she thinks Deb doesn’t buy it. She actually meant to drop by her parent's house and take a nap before coming here because those 4 hours by train were exhausting, but her mom was at home and sober, so decided against it “Are they fighting again?”

“Shauna began yelling at Zeke because he was looking at her, or so she claims.” Deb sighs “I think being forced to be locked here is affecting her, but it’s not his fault, you know” Then she smiles a little bit “But she'll be happy to see you, she always is.”

If you had told Jackie that she would mostly have to act as a bridge between Shauna and her brother a couple years ago, she would’ve looked at you crazy. 

Zeke is okay, even if he’s nerdy, but he escapes what she usually thinks about nerds because she has known him since he was a baby ( ‘I have a baby brother now. His name is Ezekiel’  five-year-old Shauna told her excitedly  ‘Mum says now I got responsibilities’  and Jackie gasped because Shauna knew how to say responsibilities at five). He’s Shauna’s brother so Jackie was always going to be fond of him. But that didn’t change that they weren’t the closest people ever before the tragedy, obviously, that changed and they get along now – grief uniting people and all that, but man…

He called her the other day saying Shauna did weird stuff in the garden at night but couldn’t see what. He called her from a public phone when he was supposed to be at school because he was scared of being heard. Jackie would tell him to be ridiculous, there’s nothing to be afraid of when it comes to Shauna.

But the relationship had changed, that’s for sure.

“Hi, Zekey!” She says opening the door, he’s on his bed with the GameBoy in hand “Everything alright?”

“Go handle her.” He answers with all the toxicity a 12-year-old can have (which isn't much) “I didn't do anything, she just hates me now.”

“Zekey, that is not tr—”

“I'm fine, Jackie.”

Okay, something that she should let Deb handle, so she just waves him goodbye and goes to knock on Shauna's room.

“Go away!”

“It’s Jackie!” She tries to sound as cheerful as she can “With chocolate!”

“It’s open, then.” 

It’s one of those days, isn’t it? 

See, Jackie can handle most of Shauna's reactions, or she thinks she can, but she can’t handle Shauna being angry. 

Sure, she’s always had this problem of letting things boil and let them out in the worst situations, like that time she snapped about her sweet 16 (okay, she didn’t think her birthday was a big deal when it clearly was, you cannot fault Jackie for taking hands-on business!) and yes, they spent weeks without talking to each other, and yes, Jackie was always the one to reach out and ask Shauna if she was okay. It usually ended up with them making up, even best friends fight. 

But now it’s like adding gasoline to a fire, and add that she cannot go anywhere because the media is trying to get her to talk on TV and take pictures of her, which is adding even more gasoline. 

It feels like walking through a minefield. 

“Hi.” Jackie enters the room, box of Ferrero rocher in hand. Shauna is lying on her bed, staring at the posters. Jackie sits next to her. “Hope you like them.” 

“Thanks.”

“Did you have an argument?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Shauna mutters “And I mean it, so don’t even try.”

“How are you?” Jackie asks – deciding to not touch the topic if Shauna is mad “Had to go through the back door, they are waiting outside.”

“I’m so  sick  of this house.” Shauna answers, taking the box and putting one of the chocolates in her mouth “Can’t go out, everyone is fucking looking at me, can’t even go to the garden ‘cuz the reporters are out and when they are not Zeke is staring at me like I’m a weirdo…”

“He’s just concerned…”

“Let me talk, damn it!” Admittedly, Jackie jumps back when Shauna raises her voice. Shauna realizes this immediately, and looks down to the floor “I…I’m sorry. It’s been…it’s been a lot.” 

“I-it’s alright,” Jackie assures her, forcing herself to get close and pull the other towards her. Letting her fingers run through the other's hair. Shauna tends to go close down when she realizes she got too angry “You were at the hospital for months and then you came to your house and you can’t leave while everyone here does. I probably would’ve jumped off mine.” She says, trying to make a joke but falling flat – Jackie can somehow relate, because she loathed this town when Shauna was not around, but sometimes Deb would tell her to do some shopping or drive Zeke around to distract her and it would sometimes work.

Actually…

“If we cover your face…we can go to the Blockbuster or something tonight.” The words come out before she can help it, and by the time Shauna turns to face her with incredulity it’s too late. “Super quick, like 15 minutes, a trip to rent some movies and maybe some takeout.” 

By the time her sentence ends, she knows it's an awful idea. If Deb finds out, she’s going to be so mad at Jackie.

But Shauna’s brown eyes were shining, what was she supposed to say? No? 

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1:25 AM

I'm beggin', beggin' you

So, put your loving hand out, baby

I'm beggin', beggin' you

So, put your loving hand out, darling

Men are so stupid. 

It’s perhaps the only lesson her mom bothered to try to teach her, but because it was Shauna, Callie didn’t listen.

She found Kyle kissing another girl.

God – she feels so stupid crying over this, she feels stupider when she realizes she dropped her friend for a man. The golden rule, and it took Molly and some drinks to forget how important it was. She’s going to ruin Mom’s uniform if she keeps crying like this, but she can’t help it. Funnily enough, everyone cared when she was happy and dancing, complimenting her outfit and whatnot. No one cares now that they are drunk and self-absorbed in their own needs to notice a Yellowjacket crying behind a car.

“Callie!” She turns around to see Elisa, who looks surprised when she sees Callie crying – she’s probably a mess right now “Are you okay?”

God.

She doesn’t know why that makes her cry harder – okay, she knows why, whatever she took made her emotional, but she manages to talk back. 

“H-he cheated on m-me.” She explained, “A-and he said that because we w-were on a break before tonight, it d-didn’t count.” 

“...Didn’t the break start two days ago?” That made Callie cry harder, wrong thing to say “Don’t cry! I really am not good when people cry!” 

“I’m noticing!” Callie exclaims, but somehow she isn’t as sad anymore “Could it kill you to have said  I’m sorry your boyfriend is an asshole. ”

“I say that all the time and you get mad, here.” Elisa gives her a handkerchief “You aren’t crying over some  Kyle  dude on Halloween, I don’t get why you are with him. He’s just…” Elisa rolls her eyes “You’re pretty, and you are nice – most of the time, and intelligent sometimes…”

“ Sometimes?”

“ And I’m sure any boy would like to have you. Girls too, I bet. If you’re into them, that is.” 

…Oh

Wait, is this going —? 

Elisa must have read her face, because she just stares at her in bewilderment “Don’t get the wrong idea, even if I was onto girls, I wouldn’t date you.” 

Oh, okay. No more crying, that pissed her off. She punches Elisa in the arm lightly.

“You would be  fortunate  to have me as a girlfriend, Taylor!” 

“You just aren’t my taste!” 

“Oh, and what is your  taste ? Please enlighten me.” 

“...I don’t know.” Elisa admitted “But you aren’t, anyway.” Gives her a small smile “At least you aren’t crying anymore, and it could be worse.”

“How?”

“Gaylot got exposed,” Elisa says, in a tone that Callie doesn’t know if it’s pity or amusement.

“Dude,  whaaat ? That weirdo? I don’t know why you follow her.”

“Chill on her, she didn’t abandon me in a place I don’t know to be with her dickhead boyfriend.”

“I’m  sorry,  Elisa. I really am  . ” Callie says with sincerity, and then points out the inevitable “But she also never goes out, so she wouldn't get a chance.”

“You don't know that.” Elisa defends weakly “Well, you're probably right, but as I said, at least you aren't Gaylot or her troll girlfriend.”

The other girl is right, talk about a self-esteem raiser. 

Even though she is still upset, she isn't crying anymore. She's mostly annoyed about having to fix her makeup because it got ruined – but she isn’t actively crying anymore. Elisa turns around in something that is Max Johnson’s direction and everything clicks on Callie’s head.

“Oh, so that’s your type!” She grins, and it’s one of the few times she sees the other one turn flustered. She knew her friend had a heart beyond all the deadpanning “Did he make a move on you and I ruined it?”

“Not quite as making a move, he was just talking.” Elisa said, defending herself “But even if he was, I would have come check on you, unfortunately.”

“What do you mean,  unfortunately? ”

“I'm kidding, but Max is going to be upstairs and they'll probably be drinking, if you wanna go.”

Actually, that sounds better than seeing Kyle on the dancefloor again. 

“Let’s go.”

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1998

It feels like one of their late escapades to party from before, they get ready to go when everyone is asleep, their hands intertwined as they walk to Jackie’s new car. A Nissan, it was surprising her mom didn’t get her a Hyundai or a Toyota, but Shauna knows better than to ask about Jackie’s parents unless she tells her to.

She had a nice homemade dinner before going out – yellow rice with chicken and water, which was  fine . Shauna isn’t complaining about food, not now not ever. Or shelter, even when she complained about being locked in the house. but when Jackie asks if she wants to go get some fries and soda, Shauna doesn’t say no. 

“Two large fries, 6 pieces chicken tenders, 8 pieces nuggets, a Nutella milkshake, a banana milkshake, and a diet coke.” Jackie laughs when Shauna rolls her eyes affectionately and tells her to be serious “Okay, okay! A normal Coke, I’m sorry.” 

In theory, she’s not supposed to eat this much junk food – she didn’t know  Jackie  ate it that much, and she tells her that she usually doesn’t, but since this was a special occasion she might as well. Shauna supposes it’s true, she’s had good progress according to the doctors, and her mom doesn’t look like she wants to cry every time she looks at her, that has to be worth celebrating. The first time she looked in the mirror, she didn’t recognize herself – that weird, bony person was not the girl that was in the pictures of her room. She stared at them – at the old version of herself, and then she looked at the mirror and…

And the monster from the wilderness with her eyes covered and a knife in her hand was greeting her. 

(It had been one of the few times she had been home alone – mom had gone to drop Jackie at the train extension because she almost missed the train because she didn’t want to say goodbye to Shauna.)

But now she’s looking more like  before , and that’s good, and perhaps once things calm down she’ll be like that –  before . She feels almost normal as she does things she used to do like dip her fries in ketchup and feed Jackie while she does the same with nuggets. She has to remind herself the ketchup on Jackie’s lips before she wipes it off is just ketchup, but other than that, they are fine.

She knows they are risking too much by being outside, and Jackie is just amusing her – Shauna doesn’t want to fuck it up.

(Jackie asks if she has heard about the others, and Shauna admits that she hasn’t, they are also hiding from the press, she supposes. She doesn’t feel like talking to them right now, anyway.)

“When you come visit me in Boston, I’ll take you to this Korean BBQ my friends and I went for my friend’s birthday.” Jackie tells her “Like, I tried some soju, I had never done it before, and I was like  this tastes like juice,  so I chugged it down like a soda, and then I stood up, and wow. My friends had to carry me back to the car, a little embarrassing, really.” 

“Sounds fun.” It’s all she can say, sometimes, when Jackie would talk about her university life, something inside Shauna felt weird – she knows that she probably wouldn’t have liked it if Jackie hadn’t left Wiskayok, but it’s just a reminder that the world moved without her – while she still feels 17 when she’s supposed to be 19 “Can’t wait.” 

She decides to throw those thoughts to the side, and drinks a bit of her banana milkshake – it tastes weird, too sugary, and not like before.  Before  it used to be her favorite milkshake. Before she didn’t have fear of looking in the mirror.  Before  she had a Brown scholarship waiting for her she wasn’t as upset about losing as she thought she would.  Before  she wasn’t perfect – of course, she wasn’t, but she didn’t  see  things. 

Before, before, before.  

She looked at her milkshake, and what should have been yellow looked like a very familiar red, but not red like cherry but dark red like her hands after butchering a body and sometimes she’d lick her fingers searching for nutrients and because it tasted — 

“Shauna?” Jackie calls, reaching for her hand, and Shauna remembers where she is “Are you okay? Do you want to get back home?”

“I…I’m fine, Jackie.” Shauna assures her “I guess I just…it might be too late for milkshakes.”

“You can just leave it. We’ll put it in the fridge when we get back.”

She throws it away when Jackie isn’t looking.

Before  she liked Action or Drama movies, sometimes horror, but she cannot remember what she would like now. Jackie tells her that  Titanic  is great, with Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio, and that she cried when watching the first time, so they’ll rent that and a couple comedy movies. Jackie tells her that’s going to be like  before  when they would spend weekends together, from Thursday night to Sunday, and would watch their favorite movies all day. 

“Hey, Jax.” 

“Hm?” 

Shauna holds in her hands  The Batman and Superman Movie: World’s Finest,  she knows her brother is more of a Spider-man guy, but he also likes Batman.  Before  she would feign annoyance when he would tell her that he needed the TV to watch  Batman: The Animated Adventures,  but she would watch with him, it was a good show. 

She shouldn’t have yelled at him – or ignored him, or creep him out. She didn’t want to, but it happened anyway. She needs to fix that.

“Do you think Zeke has watched this? Or maybe  Spawn ?”

Does he still like this stuff, or has that changed too? Because the world changed so much in 18 months, and she doesn’t know if for good or for bad.

If he doesn’t like it, would it make things worse?

“I don’t know about Spawn, but we can rent that movie.” Jackie says with a smile “Maybe he’ll join us, it’ll do him good to be around girls sometimes. Good idea. Did you know that there are like,  grown  people that like that stuff? I don’t get it.”

“Someone has to handle those stores, I guess.”

“Hm. Maybe. They are still sort of scary when you walk in, enter one of those places by accident and it’s like I was a deer in a lion's den. Like, have you seen a girl before?” 

At least she didn’t say wolves.  Wolves remind her of the woods “They haven’t seen a girl like you.” Shauna answers cheekily, a small smile that is fully reciprocated “Though you used to  love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  when we were little, maybe you got more in common with them than what you think.”

“I’m not nerdy!” Jackie protests weakly, then glances at the  TMNT  VHS from the 90 and adds it to the pile of movies “Zekey might like it.” She says, as if needing an explanation for watching a movie was necessary for Shauna.

She rolls her eyes in affection when she realizes.

Someone is following them.

Following  Shauna  in specific.

She wasn’t crazy, she saw something off the corner of her eye. A  camera .

Jackie is focused on speaking to the cashier of the blockbuster, Shauna shouldn’t take long.

Of course, tabloids want a piece of her – of all of them. Her mom tries to shield her from it, but she’s seen the articles and the news with all the theories as if they are characters from a show. She’s even had to overhear some parents who are brave enough to say it out loud but never to her face —  why did they make it and my daughter didn’t?

Because it chooses.

A little deer was hiding behind the Blockbuster, it didn’t feel Shauna until it was too late. She wasn’t a fan of using her hands – but there were no knives, so she had to do what she had to do, she didn’t want to concern Jackie if she arrived with her hands red, that much she knew. 

A quick snap of the neck and the animal fell to the floor, except it wasn’t an animal, when she blinked, it was a man with a camera hanging by his neck. Shauna just grabbed it, some pictures from her and Jackie getting out of the car, some celebrity she doesn’t know doing the middle finger at them. It's not her fault, it’s his, if they hadn’t tried to ruin her night out, then this wouldn’t have happened.

“Shauna? Shauna!” 

Shit.

She hides the camera in her hoodie and walks back to Jackie’s voice – she knows what happened, vaguely, she killed a person, but they deserved it so that’s fine, but how she was going to explain this to Jackie? 

She wanted things to be like  before  and she didn’t know how to snap necks or  kill people before .

“Where the fuck did  you  go to?” Jackie yells angrily, grabbing her almost harshly “I stopped looking and you were out of my sight! What the fuck Shauna? Are you trying to kill me?”

“Don’t you fucking yell at me!” Shauna replies, the absence of emotions previously hitting like a truck now. The last thing she needs is to be treated like a baby by Jackie when everyone does that already. 

“I stopped looking for three seconds and you were gone! God, Shauna! What if something happens to you?”

“I can take care of myself, Jackie.” Shauna sentences, and shows her the camera. Jackie’s face and tone change immediately. “Let’s get home before mom finds us.”

The ride home is mostly in silence at first as Shauna plays with the camera, not many pictures of her but a couple from Natalie at a bar, and some from Taissa and Van meeting in secret, she needs to get rid of this. Perhaps on Monday when she’s home alone, or at night. No one would suspect.

She takes a look at Jackie, her hands tense behind the well and her lips pursed as she does when she’s worried. It does make her feel guilty, that stupid paparazzi ruined the whole night, considering Jackie is only doing this to make Shauna happy and less snappy.

“I’m sorry I…I’m sorry I yelled, Shauna.” Jackie says, letting out a deep sigh “It’s just…I turned around and you weren’t there, and I…I panicked. I shouldn’t have come up with this and put you at risk, I'm sorry.”

Oh.

See, this is going to sound fucked, because yes, she killed a person but she feels bad for making Jackie  worry .

“I had fun, Jax.” She says with sincerity “It felt like…like how it used to be.” Even if it will never be, Shauna has realized that now. Camera in hands “I’m grateful, Jackie. Even if you choose to not do this again. I do appreciate it.”

“Well, hopefully, we won’t need to because they’ll eventually get bored of chasing you.” Jackie says, her tone trying to be a little more upbeat “Maybe we can do this stuff sometimes, so you get used to places again, you know? Just don’t disappear on me like that.” 

“Deal.”

“What happened to the dude?” Jackie asks as she stops at a red light “He will probably want his camera back, no?”

“He…he ran away,” Shauna answers, and she feels her lips curving into a smile. A  genuine  one “But don’t worry, he won’t bother us anymore.”

NJ Turnpike

1:30 AM

The car ride is mostly silent, except for the radio playing Olivia Rodrigo, Callie’s obsessed with her, that’s why she knows the song.

So when you gonna tell her

That we did that, too?

She thinks it's special

But it's all reused

That was our place, I found it first

I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you

Do you get déjà vu when she's with you?

Do you get déjà vu? (Ah), hmm

Do you get déjà vu, huh?

Jackie has stuck by her promise of not asking anything anymore, instead trying to text her kids or leaving some voicemails attempting to conceal how mad she is. Shauna should find the silence relaxing, not being forced to talk or answer questions she doesn’t  feel  like answering.

She finds herself loathing it. Reminds her of the last car ride she had with Jackie when she went to pick her up from the hospital. 

It hadn't been for too many days, just a couple days or so, to make sure her brain didn't have any irreparable damage. Shauna didn't know the details, she only went there once to place a bouquet and some chocolates in her room while she was asleep because she didn't know what to say. White orchids mixed with roses, the lady told her they were good for apologies.

Jackie sighed when she saw her, kissed her on the cheek as a greeting, and jumped in the car.

“I'm leaving for Boston.” Jackie spoke, and Shauna knew she was looking at her – for some kind of reaction “Come with me.”

Shauna thought of an unconscious Jackie on the floor, blood dripping from the back of her skull and a voice telling her  this will happen again.

“I can’t.”

Fuck that, she doesn't want to think about it, and won't. 

“I have a question for you.” if Shauna can control the conversation on her terms, then they can talk “Why do you have your jersey, after all these years?”

Thank you, Callie.

She expects defection, she expects a question as a response to another question.

She doesn’t expect a real answer.

“My parents were happy that I had gotten a scholarship to the United Kingdom.” Jackie starts, and then snorts in amusement “Probably thought I’d find a husband there, a fancy English gentleman. I was happy to finally be out of the house and have an excuse to put sand within us. Not that I went to Wiskayok after we stopped being friends, but that doesn’t stop my parents from being a pain. Regardless, the plan was to come out with an ocean in between so it would hurt less. I went to my house and I grabbed what I needed before leaving. Or what I could fit to my luggage and I guess that…that the Jersey reminded me of better times, I guess.”

“Better times?”

“Yeah, like doing stupid shit like our daughters are doing right now. Going to parties and getting in trouble, or at least what we thought was trouble back then. Or being on the pitch and dreaming of nationals and…” She doesn’t meet Shauna’s gaze, instead, she lowers the window and pulls off a cigarette “I guess it reminded me of a moment where life was simple, even if far from perfect. It was well hidden in my stuff, I’m surprised Elisa found it.”

Oh.

She didn’t expect a real,  adult  reflection.

Shauna wonders why she kept  her  jersey, she could've gotten some money from those freaks who are obsessed with true crime. It wasn't like her journal – though you could argue  that  she should get rid of it but can’t do that, but a jersey is a piece of clothing, one she barely used back there. No reason for it to have lived next to her for years.

Except Shauna knows why, and it’s dangerously close to why Jackie held hers, but not for the same reasons.

“I can't rid of it.” Shauna mumbles, because it’s what is expected of a conversation, you reveal something and the other person says something in return “I can't bury it or leave it behind, what it represents, so it should stay close to me, where I can control it.”

“I see,” Jackie answers, the cigarette dancing across her mouth.  It should stay close to me, where I can control it.  Except when the woman next to her is involved, she would be the exception to the rule. Better in control when she's away, but the absence of her leaves a fucking crater in Shauna’s heart that she thinks she has learned how to handle, and then she jumps back on her life after 20 years. You can't win with her. “Oh, I didn't ask if I could smoke here, sorry.”

“You might as well give me one since we are here. We should get there soon if Kevyn gave us the right address.”

She hadn't smoked in  decades , she never liked it that much other than the occasional puff from Jackie when they were teenagers, but might as well.

They know they are in the right place because they are greeted by the stench of alcohol and weed and teenagers unconscious in front of each other (and because Jackie recognized her sons’ car). There are some girls dressed as Yellowjackets, but they pay them no mind, their jerseys have their names and the numbers, and the ones from  Spirit Halloween  don’t.

“You probably should try to sue.” Jackie says, offhandedly, as she points out a boy’s direction “My son is over there.”

“How do you know?”

“I know his taste, artistic and thoughtful, and that boy was drunk crying over a kitty. Michel is not too far away.”

Wiskayok, New Jersey

2:15 AM.

The night is going perfectly for Michel, one of the best nights of his life, even if they have been listening to Lil Nas the entire night, but Industry Baby is kind of his song, so it’s fine.

Turn my haters to consumers

I make vets feel like they juniors (juniors)

Say your time is comin' soon but just like Oklahoma (mm)

Mine is comin' sooner (mm)

I'm just a late bloomer (mm)

I didn't peak in high school, I'm still out here gettin' cuter (woo)

All these social networks and computers

Got these pussies walkin' 'round like they ain't losers (losers)

There’s this perfect boy – he’s from here but goes to Brown, English major. Michel says he wants to be an actor and they hit it from there, he’s got brown skin and black hair. His name is Jordan, and yes, he said he was not going to date for a while, but he got a good feeling about this one.

“You look like my main character.” The boy tells him over loud music.

“I bet you say that to everybody.”

“No, you really look like him.” Jordan tells him “I could tell you the plot of the movie, if you want.”

The way he talks, Michel could listen to the Bee Movie script from his lips for the entire night. 

But for all that matters, the story is good – not your forced edgy magical world, but a really good story. You could tell Jordan has paid attention to the power system, and he seems surprised when Michel actually is listening instead of hitting on him (to be fair, he wanted to hit, but then he actually got interested, you know?) and asks questions that he didn’t have the answer yet. 

“Who’s the main character’s princess?” 

“Why is has to be a Princess? It could be a Prince, for all I know, but it hasn’t fit my vision yet. The love interest.” 

“If it ever makes a movie, hit me up, it might be my breakout hit.” 

“Are you good at acting?” 

“I’ll send you my audition right here.” 

And they both laugh. 

He waves at Elisa and Callie, who tell him that they’ll be upstairs with the others. He fixes Callie’s makeup in a matter of minutes and tells her life is more than a man's (advice he rarely follows) but that he can be a beard for free, just because she’s nice and she’s Elisa’s friend. He’s been a loyal beard of many lesbians who need it (he can actually  pass  as your typical jock if he feels like it, he got plenty of friends like that – except when they say  oh you are not like those other gays,  then they either fix their opinion or they stop being friends). Callie appreciates it but declines it, and then they go do their own thing. They’ll probably leave around 4 because they’ll probably need sleep.

Anyway, Jordan is interesting and handsome, and a Sony Pony (never dating an Xbox fan again) and Michel doesn’t feel like being anything  but  casual (which will fall because he gives his heart too quick) but networking is important in the profession and after a quick makeup session, they are about to exchange numbers when what he sees makes his eyes open up like plates. 

Mom’s  number, seventeen missing calls, and almost 50 texts. 

michel 

where are you

michel henry you better be home

you are in so much trouble 

is your sister with you?

bc she better be

i’m so disappointed in you 

why did you lie to your mother? 

i’m on my way right now, you better have an explanation lined up.

“Michel, are you okay?” Jordan asks, raising an eyebrow “You look pale.”  

“ — I might have to go get my sister.” He says, apologetically “But give me your number, and I will text you tomorrow.” 

It happens at first and all at once.

Someone yells  whose moms are these  and some idiot whistles and says  zo-wee mama!  and he tries his best to be nonchalant but he might actually kill whoever said that.

Wait.

Moms?

Plural?

Oh, this made it worse. 

His mom knows where he is the moment she steps into the room, her face in a straight line, and walks in a way that makes it obvious she’s barely holding her anger back. Like when he and Elisa drew pictures on the walls when they were little, he looks at Jordan, who has definitely read the room and his expression because he  ran  away from it.

A text message is all he gets.

sorry!!!

Well, at least he apologized, that’s more than what his fucking ex and his ex-best friend said.

“I was  about  to head home.”

“Where’s Elisabeth, Michel?”

Elisabeth , full name. Mom is not amused, the other lady behind him looks intimidating. Probably Callie’s mom. Something about her made him straighten his posture.

“They are upstairs, they are playing truth or dare I think.”

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1998

Jackie isn’t stupid, but she feels like it. 

She knows this was a reckless idea when she first suggested it, it was even more reckless to let Shauna be out of her sight. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Shauna sometimes isn’t there for hours

when she’s at home, and what does Jackie do? lets her wander on her own because she had to ask the cashier (who wasn’t paying attention) a question. 

If something ever happened to Shauna just when she got her back…Jackie doesn’t want to think about it.

Shauna seems to be in the opposite mood, she’s actually calmer now than she was when she first got in the car, even calmer than when they were looking for movies at the store. She even asked what was that new song from The Smashing Pumpkins and when the album dropped, Jackie told her in June – she actually owns it, she should go get it tomorrow, and that the song is called Perfect. 

Shauna had been nervous at first, Jackie could tell, that’s also why she chose a time with fewer people so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed (thank you, Allison, for pointing that out as a possibility). Jackie supposes that as long Shauna enjoyed this little night out, and nothing bad happened, then they can let it go and pretend nothing happened. 

But she can’t, not even after they arrive and they get back to the room and they throw themselves onto the bed after getting their jeans off and the lights out. Only one thing is on Jackie’s mind. 

Shauna did something to that paparazzi.  She knows that like she knows the sky is blue. She can’t lie to herself about it.

And perhaps it was  deserved  for trying to get clicks of someone after nonstop harassment and not allowing her to leave her home, not even to get some shopping done, all to force them to answer questions they don’t want to answer, but shouldn’t the normal reaction be overwhelmed instead of calm? She didn’t like to see Shauna shaking or upset, but that’s how you should react after a stalker, right? But Shauna even felt like changing the radio on the way home and was humming to it, that’s how calm she was. 

He won’t be bothering us anymore.

Sounds very permanent, but how could she ask that? Like how you start a conversation by  did you kill him ? How was Shauna going to react? 

“I know that you’re awake.” Shauna whispers – and it sends a shiver through Jackie’s spine “You’re pretending to sleep.” 

Jackie opens her eyes to Shauna’s brown eyes being wide open – the sleep schedule was very fucked, apparently, but she would often nap on the afternoons as if it was safer to sleep when the sun was out than when it wasn’t. Shauna acts weird at night. Both her brother and her mother had whispered it to Jackie. Deb wants her to go to therapy, but has not brought it up and hopes Jackie can ease that up for her…

“Maybe I am trying to sleep.” She says – trying to pretend this is the Shauna she was talking to hours ago. The personality change is what she’s struggling the most with. It's almost whiplash “You can’t either?”

“Are you scared of me?” Her friend asks her, tilting her head “My brother is scared of me.” 

“Shauna…”

“He’s smart.” Shauna interrupts, but her eyes still focus on Jackie “Are you scared of me?” 

Is she? 

If Jackie is correct about what happened to that guy, then it means Shauna killed him, and she doesn’t feel bad about it. Perhaps Zekey is justified in being scared. Perhaps it is not all bullshit. Perhaps there is something that happened to her friend, something even more twisted than trauma, and it has now come to the surface. 

But still…

“No.” And she means it – she’s not comforting or reassuring Shauna, she is not scared of her, even if perhaps she should be. She tucks the other hair behind her ear “You’re my friend, Shauna.”  And I don’t care that you are different, I still love…  “You won’t hurt me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I  do.”

“You don’t know anything.” Shauna hisses, and Jackie knows she fucked up. She turns her back on her “Goodnight, Jackie.”

Jackie is aware that sometimes she says the wrong things at the wrong time (okay, she didn’t know till recently, learned in a bad way in college after a bad argument that created a misunderstanding) but she doesn’t know  what  did she said now that was wrong. 

Or perhaps she does, she just doesn’t want to think about it. She’s heard the  rumors , and even in Uni they talk about it.

(“I mean, Jackie, it’s obvious, how do you think they survived for so long?”)

“I know you won’t hurt me.” Jackie insists – even if she knows the conversation is over “That’s why I'm not scared of you.”

Shauna doesn't answer – she's either asleep or pretending to be, but at least doesn't complain when Jackie puts her arms around her and pulls her close. She falls asleep not much after. Shauna will not want to talk about it in the morning, in fact – she’ll play  dumb  which will annoy Jackie even more, but she tries to not get too bothered about it because movie night with Zekey went out smoothly and Shauna is in a good mood because of that.

They'll talk about it.

Later.

(She asks for advice from her friends on what to do when she gets back on campus – they both tell her to leave it alone, but then one of them lets slip something about  it’s just like the Andes flight disaster .

She requests a couple of books from the library in the following days.)

Wiskayok, New Jersey

2:20 AM

“Elisa!” Another girl calls, and Elisa stops focusing on her phone “Stop texting your boyfriend and play with us.”

“It's not my boyfriend,” she answers rolling her eyes, and the truth is that she's smiling because the jokes at a certain Twitter expense are too funny. She obliges, though, they are playing spin the bottle. Even if they are too old for this stupid game, it’s always fun to know people’s embarrassing secrets.

The smartest person here is Cleopatra the cat, who sits on her lap and refuses to let go.

“Callie, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss Elisa.”

Elisa sends a glare to the few men who are whistling but leaves Cleo on the floor and gets ready for the dare. Callie looks nervous – and okay, it makes sense, Elisa grew up with women kissing other women in the house, it might not be the same for other people.

“It’s just a peck, nothing more.” She says, attempting to lessen the nerves.

Callie seems to get it, or at least disguise it with sarcasm “Relax, Taylor, you aren’t my type.” 

“ Someone  is still bitter.”

“Shut up!” 

The faster they are done with it, the better.

Callie hasn’t thought much about the same gender, she’s got gay friends and shit, but she’s never thought about it. Her family doesn’t really talk about  anything  in her house, but Bubba has told her that she’s okay with people dating others of the same gender, and mom is many things (most of these aren’t good) but she isn’t homophobic. 

She had intended to ask Michel or Elisa about it, how do you  know  but one thing led to the other. Callie doubts that this will awaken anything in her.

They are in front of each other, 9 and 6, Elisa’s zombie makeup has worn off her face and when Michel said he might as well fix it too, Elisa opposed it, so it’s her natural color and the blueish zombie mixing together, she looks interesting. Not ugly, though, she’s everything but ugly.

Elisa closes her eyes and nods as if giving her permission, and Callie comes close slowly. The other girl mumbles  hurry up  in irritation, and when their lips are going to touch…

She gets grabbed by the back of the shirt.

“Callie!” She hears Elisa exclaim, and Callie knows that they are fucked.

No one notices she’s there in the first seconds, and she tells Jackie to stay downstairs with her son. It is not the right time to think about how Jackie’s son stood just like Jackie used to be when she was sixteen, the very exact way, with a hand on his hip before he noticed them. And once he got. found out, arms crossed just like Jackie did when things didn’t go her way. Dressed as JD from Heathers when he probably wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Shauna opens the door and the scene is right straight out of ‘95, it is almost like a movie in slow motion.

“Relax, Taylor, you aren’t my type,” Callie says with no bite.

“Someone is still bitter.” The other girl answers, pretending to be unimpressed.

“Shut up.”

What the fuck.

Jackie’s  daughter  could have easily passed as her twin if you put two pictures together. Sure, her shade of blonde is slightly darker, and she’s a little taller, and her eyes are brown instead of green, but  those  are details Shauna would know, only her and her alone, because she knew every detail of 16-year-old Jackie. 

It feels like the world is playing a fast one on her.

(Shauna, I dare you to kiss Jackie.)

Jackie’s kid closes her eyes and Callie leans in. 

( Jackie smiles but not the typical prom queen smile but the smile that she gives to Shauna when she is shy but she doesn’t say anything. She just closes her eyes and gives implicit permission, and Shauna’s heart beats too fast and…)

She grabs number six ( her  number six) by the collar and Callie can’t help but hold back a scream.

“What the f—” Callie snarls, ready to fight, and the protests died in her mouth “Hi, Mom.”

Elisa stays frozen as she sees Callie being pulled by her mother. Her mom moved so quietly that no one noticed until Callie yelled as her mom was dragging her downstairs. She looked at Cleo the cat, who was being held begrudgingly by one of her classmates as if she was accepting her fate.

Twenty  missing calls,  40  messages,  two voicemails .

i’m in the car with your brother, Elisabeth. don’t make me get you.

Make that forty-one.

It’s better to just accept her fate now.

“I got to go.” She says as if it wasn’t obvious “I had fun, though, thank you for inviting me.” 

Her mom being mad might be the understatement of the year. 

“I let you children be on your own because I  trust  you – especially  you , Elisabeth.” Her mother is the only one speaking in the car, and Michel and Elisa are smart enough to not interrupt a scolding – but why is she the one getting targeted when her older brother agreed to this with her? Whatever. “Because I know you’re levelheaded – way more levelheaded than your brother or even more than myself when I was your age, and how does my trust get rewarded? You go through  my things,  you go to a party without  my  permission, and you lie to me! I hope the Instagram pictures were worth it.”

Okay, when you put it that way, perhaps she is right about being mad.

“To be fair.” Michel said, “They were kind of gagg— I mean,  impressed  with the fits.” 

“Don’t act funny with me, Michel Henry!” Michel looks at Elisa as if saying  at least I tried , and she just makes a  zip-it  gesture with her mouth to not say anything else because mom will probably get even angrier if they do. “Listen, kids. I was a teenager, I did a bunch of stupid shit, I  expect  you to do stupid shit, that’s human, but grabbing my stuff without permission…”

The speech gets interrupted by a hole in the highway and a nasty sound that even she who knows nothing about cars, widens her eyes in fear. Mom stops immediately and leaves the car to check what’s going on. Michel leaves right after her, and Elisa follows suit. It’s a flat tire.

“Fuck.” Mom mutters, and looks at Michel “You know how to change it?” 

Michel looks offended “...Oh, because I’m a man I must know how to change a tire without anyone teaching me to? Talk about gender standards, ma.” 

Her brother is extremely good at not reading the room because he acts surprised when her mom sends him a death glare and calls for the insurance company to tow it away while she considers a motel or something. He  has  a point, though. Mom knows how to cook and a lot about research, but stuff like cars used to be  Bianca’s  area of expertise when she lived with them. Not Mom's, but she doesn’t feel like adding another extra week to her possible punishment. 

callie

r u alive

yeah

you?

flat tire in the middle of highway

do u think ur mom would mind?

A phone call through mom’s phone to confirm the situation and the location, and now they are in Callie’s mom's van. They can’t talk because having two mad moms in one car is a recipe for disaster and they have a right to not self-incriminate. Mom puts the address in the GPS, and they drive in silence with just Lil Nas X in the background. Callie and her look at each other, and then they look at Michel, and even he seems to realize. 

What is the  tension  in this car? This is definitely not about them. Her brother creates a quick group chat with them and types the words  why does this feel like when i’m in the car with an ex? Their phones are on silent, and they are good silent texters, their moms can’t hear it. 

“As I was saying, Michel, Elisa.” And  Callie  better be implied in this speech because she’s acting like she’s free from it “I was a teenager, and w–  I  did a lot of dumb stuff. I expect you to do dumb stuff, that’s normal, what is not normal, though, is going without people’s things without permission.” 

“I didn’t know it was important, you never talk about it.” Elisa protests weakly “If we knew, I would’ve told Callie to get another idea!”

“Even if —” Callie’s mom looks at her mom and then continues. Her tone isn’t mean, but it is serious. “Even if she hasn’t said anything, that doesn’t give you the right to touch our stuff without permission. People are allowed privacy, that goes for you too, Callie.” 

“Shauna’s right.” Her mom takes it from there “God knows how you two would react if I went through your rooms and touched your stuff without permission.” 

“ We’re sorry. ” The two (well, three, Michel isn’t getting off this easily, fuck him being a college student) say in unison. They’ll probably get grounded (mom will find a way with Michel) and this might be forgotten fairly quickly, their reputation at school might be at risk with that exit though. 

“Well, just don’t do it again.” Her mom sighs and gives the topic an end. 

“Sorry is fine.” Callie’s mom says, and her mom turns around to face her – Elisa can’t exactly see her face “But it is not enough.” 

“But it should be a start.” Jackie protests “They are teens, Shauna, we also did our fair amount of escapades.” 

— Why are they talking about them like they are not there? 

callie s. 

we?

mikey :clown emoji: :heart emoji:

lmaoooo? 

“It’s not the same, and you know it.” Shauna answers with a shrug “Not when they pick up private stuff —”

“We already said sorry.” Callie protests. 

“And they are old enough to know that is wrong, and when trust gets broken…” Callie’s mom holds the wheel tighter. “It’s very hard to repair.” 

“Yeah I…I agree.” Mom says, and she looks like she’s desperate for a smoke right now. 

Of course, what they did was wrong – but those last sentences were not about them. 

Were they?

(The only person talking through that ride was Drake talking about  Yeah, say that you a lesbian, girl, me too )

November, 3rd, 2021

Deb Shipman had an amazing night for Halloween.

Zeke has  finally  gotten serious enough to introduce his long-term girlfriend, a photographer girl, very nice, Jewish, and patient enough that they have been dating for three years and it is now they are doing the  introducing to family steps . They had dinner together. Callie’s birthday is a couple months away, but Zeke wants to know if his favorite niece (the only one he has) wants something in specific, she told him she’ll let him know, but if he’s staying on the East Coast, he better come for Hannukah this year. 

(He’s been spending them with his girlfriend and his family, which isn’t anywhere as hurtful as when he spent some days of Hannukah with his half-siblings to not be near Shauna, and he’s always denied that was the reason – but Deb  knows  him, she gave birth to him.) 

Zeke tells her to give his regards to Shauna and Callie as he drops her in the house, and she’s surprised to find the house so empty – she assumed Shauna would stay the night, but maybe she went out. Oh well, finally a peaceful night, she hasn’t had one in so long. Although her idea of a peaceful night is actually a dinner with her kids and…

And Jackie, G-d bless her, she saw her on TV all the time when she worked on CNN, but it’s not the same thing as having her here, you know? 

She had been pregnant with Zeke when she met Jackie, a small, adorable little thing whose eyes shone when Deb patted her head or gave her a hug. When Zeke was born and Jackie saw him for the first time, she said  he is little and cries a lot . Fair assessment when you are five. She felt like a third child, she had always longed for Deb’s approval – or her parents', but the Taylors expectations were impossible to reach, especially when Jackie came out to her. Standing straight eyes closed and slightly shaking as if expecting something  bad  to happen. 

She always looked uncertain when Deb told her that she didn’t need to be anything but herself with her in her home. 

She was a nice girl, she just needed a push and people to trust in her, that’s why she encouraged her to go to Boston. It felt devastating, to lose one of the few people that reminded her of Shauna while missing, with Zeke being sad and angry all the time because his sister was gone and now he was losing her-other-sister-but-not-really off to college. Yet she knew it was what Jackie needed. To distract herself, to grow, and she’s never been a selfish woman. She wished her luck and told her that she would always be welcome for the holidays. 

She never found out why Shauna and Jackie stopped being friends, but that never stopped Deb from caring for the girl. When Jackie told her that she was going to London, she was in anguish about another special person of hers going onto a plane willingly but wished her the best. 

(She offered Shauna a chance if she wanted to talk to Jackie, even if Jackie said she'd rather not bother her if only to say goodbye on good terms. Shauna said no, but was tracking the BOS-Heathrow for eight hours and did not bat an eye until the flight arrived. They will do anything except have a conversation, it’s incredible.)

She gets a postcard in 2004 with a baby holding onto a teddy bear, with the words.  He’s little and cries a lot. His name is Michel. Much Love, Jackie. 

The second happiest day of her life, her Jackie having a baby on her own. The first one (tied with the birth of Shauna and Zeke) was when Callie was born.

“Bubba.” Callie greets, early in the morning, she's without a phone and forbidden to go out because of that little trick she pulled on Halloween (mind you, Shauna did plenty of those - with Jackie always) “May I go to the synagogue with you?”

Her daughter and granddaughter aren’t particularly religious (as a matter of fact, she’s pretty sure Shauna is an atheist) but Deb can tell when Callie wants something, and the Rabbi and everyone in the community loves her, so she says of course. Deb would never miss the chance to be with her favorite (and only) granddaughter.

Callie is not a bad kid – she’s actually very rational, if you talk to her properly and let her in, she’ll do everything and everything for you. She loves Shauna, she does, but no matter how much Deb tells her this point, it flies through her head. She acts like Callie is this unreadable book or unsolvable puzzle. The sad thing is that Shauna loves her kid, and even if she doesn’t understand her, she tends to get frustrated with herself for every failed attempt at closeness.

( Bubba, why doesn’t mommy like me?)

Deb assumes the little escapade was as much  fuck you  to Shauna as teenage nonsense. She’s already getting her punishment, Deb has nothing to say. Sure, she did most of the raising, but at the end of the day, Mom calls the shots. She’s already done her job by raising them, now her job is to enjoy her grandchild.

“I didn’t understand why mom was mad that I befriended this girl.” Callie explains “I thought she was acting crazy, well, crazier than usual.”

“Watch your mouth, Calliope.”

“Sorry.” Callie says quickly “Anyway, my friend’s name is Elisabeth, Elisabeth Taylor.”

Wait —

No way.

“And we did matching outfits together and our moms came to pick us up together.” Callie finishes “But it was very awkward, I know that they knew each other, but you know…it was a huge leap.”

“You came to the synagogue to interrogate me?” Deb teases, and Callie laughs “We can talk about this in the afternoon with some pastries, is that okay?”

“Yup!”

She isn’t good at smartphones, but Callie is, downloads Instagram only to show her the pictures. Jackie’s daughter is just like her. She’s sure Elisa has gotten tired of hearing it, but it just brings a smile to her face. Jackie mentioned in her last letters that she was thinking of another child, but with the move to Florida they lost contact, good to know she ended up having another baby, and that said baby looks to have grown healthy.

And she saw a little bit of the boy’s Instagram, he looked kind-hearted – even if a little smug, judging by the posing. He even has a TikTok explaining why he was named the way he was and how his second name is after a footballer.

Callie made the right move, coming to her, however, she kept it small, careful to not reveal something she would use as ammo against Shauna in an argument: She told Callie that Shauna and Elisa’s moms were close friends in high school, very close. She doesn’t have an answer for the  tension  in the car, but now she has a couple of questions for her daughter.

“When were you going to tell me Jackie was back in Jersey?” She asks Shauna that night “And why have you not invited her to get some tea?”

“Jackie is a busy woman, so am I.” It’s her daughter’s answer “She probably doesn’t have the time.”

“Did you ask her?”

“Yeah, she said maybe one of these days, but we left it at that.”

Shauna thinks she’s too smart for Deb, not only is she a horrible liar, but  Deb gave birth to her . She’s her first child, and she thinks she can lie to her face and get away with it. She’s just like Zeke in that sense. She knows something happened within them, and she knows that black eye swollen lip, and bloodied nose was something Shauna most likely did and Zeke lied to her to try to protect his sister, she often lets them believe they can fool her if it makes them happy. So she drops the topic and moves on her own.

Sometimes Shauna claims she and Callie conspire against her. Nothing further from the truth, she's always on Shauna’s side, always, but if it were to be one moment for it to be true, it would be in this particular scenario. She gets the phone number from Callie (phone is only allowed for this, then she takes it back – sorry angel), and a teenage voice answers, as expected.

“Hi? Am I speaking with Elisa? I’m Callie’s grandma, nice to meet you. Oh no, no need to apologize. Is your mom near? Yes, please. Thank you, sweetie.”

Time to get the family back together.

Chapter Text

London, United Kingdom

2011

“You.” A little voice says behind Jackie, she turns around to see her daughter. Hair in pigtails and a yellow dress. Adorable little thing “I have a question.”

Motherhood is hard when you’re by yourself, she knew it was going to be, some people come and go, but she and her little family remain. The family she created, the three of them against everything. Jackie, Michel, and Elisa. She was aware it was going to be hard when she chose this, and even when it’s been hard (because it has, God, one day Michel believed he was Spiderman and Jackie had to bring him down before he hurt himself, and it has happened more than one time) but it is surprisingly rewarding. It is now that she is a mom that now realizes how little her own did with her other than forcing her on pageant contests and criticizing her for not sitting still. 

“Don’t call me  you.”  She answers, her voice sweet , it’s  not the first time she has told Elisa this  “It’s   mom ,  mama , or  mommy .”

“Okay.” The five-year-old says, though Jackie feels she didn’t  listen   “I have a question!”

“I hear you, what is it?”

Elisa is a very smart child, the teachers love her at kindergarten because she’s well-behaved and everyone is amazed she can read already. Very independent too, she didn’t cry the first day of kindergarten, instead she waved goodbye at Jackie (who was crying). She likes games where she can learn new words, and when they go out she always points out the words out loud and repeats them when mispronounced. Her favorite channel is Animal Planet and would randomly come to Jackie’s studio to tell her some random fact about elephants and then leave again. The other day, they were taking a walk in the park, the 3 of them, and she asked Jackie what was the best university in London, Jackie answered that it was  Oxford  or  Cambridge  she  said she would go to one of those. Then she asked Jackie  what the best University in the United States was  then  Jackie answered  there are a lot of prestigious ones, but  it is  Harvard and Yale   then  she asked if she had gone to  those,  Jackie said no, and Elisa said  you should have gone, mama  and Jackie had to hold back a laugh. 

It really shouldn't be possible — and Jackie wishes it wasn't because her heart feels heavy, but the reason why it endears her so much, it's because it reminds her of Shauna.

Shauna was (is)  so  smart, to the point she’s spoken with several scholars and journalists experts in their fields, yet Shauna remains one of the smartest people Jackie has met, and they haven’t spoken in years. Jackie used to admire her for it when they were little, Shauna was six and winning spelling bees against nine-year-olds. Read The Divine Comedy at fifteen. Sometimes, Jackie would pretend to not understand a topic so Shauna would explain it to her, and Shauna would know and roll her eyes and tell her to be serious.

That is perhaps the change that made Jackie the saddest when she returned — she was still smart, of course, but all the interest in the pursuit of education, especially English was gone. Jackie tried to push the topic sometimes but was met with  Eh  maybe  at best and  Leave me the fuck alone  at worst. She tried to maybe spark her interest, making her double-check her essays, but she read it as pity, no matter how much Jackie told her the opposite.

Perhaps she pushed too far, as she always does, and college isn’t for everyone, but for someone like Shauna, it fits her like a ring. Or at least used to fit her like a ring. Sometimes, when impostor syndrome kicks in, it feels like she stole the life Shauna should be living. Deb always managed to dodge her questions when she asked how Shauna was doing in letters, instead of focusing on a more general We  are doing fine!  Or  Zeke is at CalArts . She looked better the last time she saw her, five years ago, she hopes that’s the case now. 

She should have said goodbye when she left for London the first time. That way it would be  closed forever  between them , she  wouldn’t see ghosts every time she kisses her children goodnight because their room colors are  green  and  pink . 

(Sure, it is not  Shauna’s  shade of green , that  would've been either  lime green  or  aqua green  while  Michel’s room was  forest green  and Elisa’s room was two shades lighter than pre-Boston’s Jackie’s ideal type of pink. She didn't intend for this to happen, it just happened, subconsciously.)

Her daughter's question snaps her off her thoughts.

“Where’s your husband?”

— what?

“…What do you mean, baby girl?”

“My dad! Your husband!”

Shit.

This soon?

Technically , that is  incorrect,  she  has  a biological father — as everyone does, but that's not what she's asking. Elisabeth is five now, already in kindergarten.  Same  age Jackie met  Shauna,  and the same age when Jackie realized that not all families were like hers. She’s probably picking up that most people have a mom and a dad, even if divorced, while she has only  a mom .

She thinks about telling her  you’ll understand when you grow up  but that doesn’t seem fair. It is better if they hear it from her, rather than learning from it when they go to elementary and learn what a gay person is from slurs. Better now that there’s no prejudice, just curiosity.

“Because I do not like men, Elisa.” she tells her — straight to the point, smart children like her do not need to get the words minced “That’s why I don’t have a husband.”

“You don’t like boys?”

“No.”

“None of them?”

“No.”

“Okay. Thank you. Bye.”

“Bye,   mommy. ” She corrects her but with no use.

Okay, that wasn’t terrible. Could be worse. Has had worse moments in this whole raising children adventure. Good, it got cleared out.

…Except Elisa is wailing in the living room, and then she hears another boyish voice screaming. She’s not working today, it seems. Hopefully, Kathy understands (she doesn’t) that she’s getting the research one day late.

She runs to the living room and Elisa is crying as Michel hits her in the arm, she recoils by grabbing him by the hair and they are both screaming. Jesus, what the fuck? 

“What is happening?” She demands, she grabs her son’s arm immediately, first things first “I  asked  what is happening! Mikey! You don’t hit girls,  especially  your sister!”

“She said you didn’t like me because I’m a boy!” Her son yells, Elisa grabs his Max Steel and retaliates by trying to hit him. Jackie uses her other hand to stop Elisa’s little arm. Then it clicks.

Oh .

Shit.

“It’s true! She told me! She just told me!”

“What!” Jackie is surprised at how her wording always gets rephrased. Why does everyone love to twist her words? “No, that is not true.”

“I’m not lying!” Elisa said, pointing at Jackie with her finger “Lying is wrong, mama!”

“You’re the liar!” Michel points at his sister “Liar!”

“Mama doesn’t like you!”

“Children, children  PLEASE CALM DOWN AND BE QUIET! ” She can’t help but raise her voice, and both  of them  go silent when she does. She doesn’t like to yell at them ,  reminds  her of when her mother did. The problem is that they try her almost  every day , even if they don’t mean to. Jackie takes a deep breath to recover her composure   “I  mean…I did say that , it’s  different , what  I tried to say wa s…I  don’t like men  romantically .”

“Mom is  gay ?” Michel says, pointing his finger at her, where did he learn that?

“What is gay?”

“Okay, stop pointing at me, that’s rude. Don’t point at people.” Jackie sighs — railing her temper back in.  They are five and six , they  don’t understand. You do.  “Michel is right , I’m  gay. I’m a lesbian.” She would say like  Ellen DeGeneres  but she’d rather find another example “Most people have a mom and a dad, yeah…but but there are some people that like others from the same gender. Some like both. A lot of…a lot of people don’t like those who like the same gender, because we are different from what is expected. I will have to spend my life knowing that I’m different from most people but…” She doesn’t regret what she is, but she knows that it’s better to prepare them for what people may say later, especially if she gets a girlfriend  “But I don’t think that’s something to be ashamed of, let alone hate someone, or to be prejudiced towards them. Some people do, and those people are wrong.”

Wow.

This question became a lesson, and these 2 are taking the information in — their little brains taking what  mom  says as a fact. It’s probably the scariest and the most interesting thing about being a mom, how these 2 trust her wholeheartedly. She tries her best to not mess up because of this reason, but she isn’t perfect. She hopes she is doing well enough for them to grow up to be good people and good adults eventually.

“So, you love me?” Her son asks, tilting her head. The question is almost offensive.

“Yes, Michel. I love you very much.” 

“Are we gay too?” Her daughter asks, tugging at her shirt.

“Uh…no?” She actually has a feeling that is not  entirely  the case, especially with her son, but not the time for that. Let them figure it out   “I mean — you can be, if you want to, but it’s not because I am gay.” Elisa raises her hand, another question, and Jackie can’t help but sigh – there should be a question limit per day with children  “Yes, baby?”

“Then where’s your wife?”

She’s aware her five-year-old didn’t mean it that way, but  wow   that hurt.

Tampa, Florida 

2011

Studying at night while doing full-time work is the worst, but at least this job covers part of her tuition.

Her mother didn't force her to go back to college, she was strict with finishing her high school degree, but in exchange, she said Shauna was more than free to choose a path that suited her if she didn't want to be a writer anymore. 

No path suits her, at least not  here , back there, she had a role, bloody and painful, but no one else could do it. Admittedly, she’s a little jealous of her brother, who worked day and night on his portfolio to apply for his dream colleges and even joined some clubs after school to add it to his resume. Mom said Shauna was the one who gave him that advice, but her life pre-clash is blurry.

She remembers being just like him — wanting to pursue her dreams and going to Europe overseas, then returning to write the next American Novel. Until she wasn’t. But it is expected that  normal   people have  normal   jobs, so it is it. They are using most of the money on CalArts tuition, but Shauna isn’t mad about it. She encouraged her mom to let him go, people with dreams should follow them. It’s probably what her old self would’ve said too.

(You're 16, and you're going to Seattle, and Jackie holds you tight and tells you  to give them hell  as she gives you a necklace  to always remember me  by!  Your brother just wants a gift set from Seattle, he's eleven and too cool for hugs but you make him hug you anyway.

You're 21, and your brother is going to California to study. You and Jackie do not talk anymore — she betrayed you, and you retaliated. You beat your brother up because your mind played you a fast one and you try desperately to fix it. That’s why you advocate for him going to California even if it feels like he’s running from you. You don’t try to hug him. You tell Mom not to  worry, planes are safer than cars  in something that is both a fact and irony, but you throw up when the plane changes to departing and your mind goes blank until your mother tells you he arrived safely.)

It’s Wednesday, which means Jackie isn’t on TV. Sometimes, if Shauna has time, she’ll watch her.  No wonder someone as self-centered as her ended up on TV  she would think, but she would still sit down and watch her talk with important people and celebrities alike. Self-centered might be, but she always made you feel important whenever she asked you questions.

And in her profession  crossing  lines  is usually lauded as bravery, not a betrayal.

It is better this way — Jackie should be on TV being a charming reporter who asks independentists about what would be the steps for the Unification of Ireland. She shouldn’t be unconscious on the floor with blood coming off her head and Shauna holding her until the ambulance arrived because Jeff called them. 

Her life  is  better since Shauna isn’t around, sometimes Shauna wishes to disappear into the woods and out of the public eye.

But her mother would be upset if she did, probably. She has Callie too, now. Even if sometimes she thinks she shouldn’t have, the kid deserves someone better than she does. She doesn’t have patience, she never has. Her mom has to tell her to be patient, that Callie looks at her for guidance, but the thing is that…

Callie isn’t afraid of her.

Even when she snaps at her, Callie keeps asking questions, she isn’t intimidated or even cries when Shauna’s voice goes a little higher. Sometimes she even yells back. They have a relationship with their neighbors because Callie always says hi to them. She says hi to the people who take their garbage as well. Mom’s new synagogue loves her too.

It really shouldn’t be the case but…

But it reminds her of Jackie.

She’s the same age Shauna was when she first met Jackie, they even like the same colors. Jackie, was too extroverted and unruly when Shauna barely spoke in kindergarten because she was too anxious. Five-year-old Jackie spoke too much and fast, and Shauna was impressed because she didn’t know people could talk that much. Jackie got pushed once by a boy and had a small nosebleed and Shauna pushed him in return Jackie said she was  heroic  and hugged her.

Jackie was never afraid of her, regardless of how  crazy  she could act (disturbed? Sometimes. Angry? Plenty. But never  afraid ). Jackie, who found her more than once raiding the fridge and eating anything in sight regardless if it was raw or cold like some animal would make her sit on the table as she prepared something for her and guided her back to bed.

Jackie, who betrayed her, and Shauna couldn’t think of anything but humiliate her in return. Jackie slapped her and they exchanged insults at each other. Jackie, who told Shauna  I don’t know who you are anymore  as she packed her things and left   and  Shauna said  maybe you never did .

Jackie, stepped wrong as she ran downstairs and hit her head against the concrete there was blood coming off her face and Shauna’s mind went static.

Jackie has a son that Shauna barely knows — and that feels wrong, somehow, because they would always talk about how their children would be friends and grow up next to one another.  Jackie would love Callie , Shauna thinks, and would probably find it endearing how she asks questions 24/7 and how she tries to read Mom’s book titles. Callie learned to read early, Shauna taught her from an early age the names and the numbers. She seemed to enjoy it like Shauna used to enjoy it at a time that felt like it was never hers to begin with.

“Why doesn’t mommy like me?” Callie asks from her bedroom, and the question freezes her on the spot. 

She should be asleep already — it’s past her bedtime, and her mom is strict with it. Shauna has been quiet enough for her to not wake her up. She doesn’t get to see much of her mom’s reaction, but it seems to even catch her off guard.

“Why do you think so, honey? Of course, she does, she’s your mom.”

“I dunno!” Callie answers swatting her hands “My mum is different from my friend's mommies.”

“Mom is just busy, honey.” Her mother tries to tell her “I promise you, she loves spending time with you.” 

“Teacher says lying is bad, Bubba!”

God.

It is not that she doesn’t love her kid — she does, and it is  unfair  that she leaves most of the raising to her mom. Shauna knows this. She does love her kid, even if she’s the result of her watching Jackie move on life without her. It hadn’t been easy, especially the first months after birth, she wouldn’t stop crying – as if she sensed the rejection, and she gave her to her mom for anything other than feeding.

But what if she hurts her? Like she hurt her brother? Or Jackie? And Callie is so  small .

(My mom doesn’t like when I do this  six-year-old Jackie told her as she bounced her leg  but  I can’t make it stop  and  then it evolved into  my mom doesn’t like me  in their teenage years, followed by  I don’t particularly like her, either  but was desperate for her approval nonetheless.)

“Oh, Shauna. You’re back.” Her mom smiles “How’s everything been?”

If her mom knows that Shauna heard her conversation with Callie, she doesn’t act like it. She doesn’t think she can have the conversation now. Her mom had warned her of this — that kids  notice  but Shauna hadn’t realized till now because of how busy she’s been, how she barely tries to hug her while she jumps at her bubba or her uncle's arms when he comes to visit.

“They are saying that I might get a promotion soon if I’m done with the tutoring.” She says “And I was thinking that maybe since Callie is bigger now maybe we could…” She shrugs and whispers “Go to Disney or something?”

“ DISNEY!”  Callie storms off her bedroom to the living room  now  jumping  around Shauna  chanting  “DISNEY!  DISNEY! DISNEY.”

The way her mom smiles when she picks Callie up lets her know that it is a good idea.

New Jersey, 2021

Jackie was  never  a chores person.

Learned how to cook in college because she couldn’t be doing takeout every single day and her friends told her that she had to be a functional human being one day (they made fun of her until she tried, almost blew up the kitchen, and then actually taught her after convincing her to not give up). Being an adult doesn’t mean that she doesn’t hate doing laundry and dishes, especially vacuuming, and she was more than happy to divide those duties with roommates when she was at college or with her flatmates in the UK.

Then, she moved on her own and had two children who hated doing them as much as she did, but unfortunately,  someone  had to do it  and  she’s  mom  so it means her most of the time. But when you are annoyed at your children, who dislike it as much as you do, is a perfect punishment.

“You’re missing a spot, sweetheart.” She tells Elisa from her desk and has to hold back a laugh when her daughter glares at her. She looks at Instagram – Elisa must have posted these pictures before getting her phone removed (and eventually got it back for a limited time in exchange for doing dishes). It’s her and Callie at the Johnson’s restroom in  their  uniforms and flipping off the mirror “You could’ve done a peace sign here, or something. It couldn’t have been a cute one?”

“I’ll think about it for next time,” Elisa answers, uninterested.

“Michel says you were friendly to the host.” She teases, only because it’s  fun  “Should I ask?”

“ Your son  was being friendly with any college-aged student.” She answers, turning on the vacuum “Nothing to report on my side.”

“ My son? ” Oh, she doesn’t like that tone “And what are you then, my tenant?” And honestly, her daughter is on the right to be with whoever she likes but the idea of sharing a grandchild with Bobby Johnson…actually, why is she thinking of this? She’s sixteen “He’s in charge of the kitchen when he comes back, by the way.”

“This is just us doing what you don’t like to do.” Her daughter groans, accusatory.

“You live here, young lady. When you move, you can do as you please.” Hopefully, that won’t be happening soon, because she barely could let her son go to BU and they talk every day. She will cry for months when Elisa goes to college  “Shouldn’t have taken my stuff without permission.

“Whatever.” Elisa says, voice slightly upped so it doesn’t get overshadowed by the vacuum “I made a PowerPoint to convince you to get us a cat, do you want a presentation or by email?”

The audacity of this one.

“Have you done  anything  to deserve a cat, Elisabeth?”

“My grades have been great.”

“Fair enough.” Jackie concedes “But a good action doesn’t erase a bad one.”

“It would teach me responsibility, and cats decrease stress.”

Responsibility.

Responsibility was when Allison brought her bunny with her on campus and it ended up having little bunnies by accident (she doesn’t even like those animals, mind you) when she wasn’t looking and somehow that was 19-year-old Jackie's first experience with parenthood because bunnies wouldn’t let her go anywhere on her own and she had help to take care of them while they got rid of them. She thinks she gave one to the Shipmans before Shauna came back, and it was around when she returned but then disappeared mysteriously.

Did she —?

Probably .

Oh, well. 

“You know what decreases stress, love of my life? Not grabbing your mom's stuff and sneaking out at night.”

Elisa will argue her way out if she can find a way to win the argument. As frustrating as it is, sometimes she does win them, but this is not the case. She’ll probably try away in a few days when Jackie is less vaguely annoyed at her, but now, she has to leave in defeat as Jackie focuses on typing this interview before her boss gets annoyed with her.

However, she returns 20 minutes later, phone in hand as if she is in the middle of a call (it was doing  chores for a month  or  no phone for a week  and  Elisa took the first one) and says it’s  Callie’s grandma  and that she wants to talk with her.

…Okay, fuck work.

“Thank you, sweetie.” She tells her on her way out “Hello?”

“Jackie!”

“Oh my God!” That voice is enough to make her smile “Deb, hi! How long has it been? How is everybody?”

“ Enough time for you to start a family  on your own , it seems! We are all okay!”

“Oh Deb, I’m so embarrassed. I’m sorry my daughter caused you and Shauna trouble. She usually is a good girl.”

“ Please, they didn’t do anything  that you  both didn’t do! And you were worse , I  told Shauna that the other day, and   she rolled her eyes at me. I can’t believe you two, Shauna didn’t tell me you lived in New Jersey  and  you haven’t thought of visiting me! You need to make it up for me, Jackie Taylor.”

“Sorry! I promise I’ll visit soon.” And she gives Deb her number. Truth be told, she had been a little disappointed she hadn’t heard from Shauna since their daughters' escapade, but would rather not  force  things so Shauna doesn’t resent her “I mean, if Shauna is okay with it, or you can come to my apartment.”

“ I know a way you can make it up for me , I  want to meet your children  too .”  Deb says over the  phone   “You got any plans for Thanksgiving?”

“Well…”

Shauna knows that she owes her mother more than she could ever repay her.

She  could  have given up on  her,  that is the truth, and Shauna wouldn’t have resented her for it because she destroyed most of her pre-accident relationships. Shauna told her so once  while  drunk and miserable, that she should just abandon her and let her be crazy in peace, and mom got mad at the suggestion.  You’re my daughter, Shauna. No matter what. No one is abandoning you . It’s her mom who suggests (actually, she didn’t suggest it, she decided it for both of them) that they move from New Jersey to Florida for fresh starts. It was her mom that eventually encouraged her to pursue something as long as it kept her mind occupied. It’s her mom who took care of her and a newborn Callie when she was suffering from postpartum depression (and postpartum psychosis) and who had been taking care of two babies, honestly.

Shauna knows she’s fortunate in that aspect – that her family loves her. Her brother tried to spend holidays with dad and his family  once  a year she beat him up (she couldn’t see him without crying when he was walking through the house with a broken nose, so she locked herself in her room)  but he came to Florida when he heard she was pregnant and took Callie to Disney.

So, because she is aware of this blessing, she tries her best to not raise her voice in front of her. Tries to listen to her advice. Tries to be a good daughter. Sometimes, she even wants to tell her about  there , to let her in, but a secret is a secret. She knows that all of this should be enough proof, of everything she has done for Shauna, to know that she would love her regardless, but the fear is still there.

(Sometimes she wonders if she read her journal, like Jackie did, but no, she hasn’t. Shauna has tested her through the years, and has never given her as much as a suspicion that she has.)

She’s talking to Zeke over the phone, trying to convince him to come to Thanksgiving. There seems to be some back and forth because his girlfriend wants him there too, and her mom is emphasizing the importance of family to make him feel guilty enough to awkwardly exchange niceties on the table.

“Come on! Bring her here! Shauna hasn’t met her.” Her mom says over the phone “And Jackie told me she might be coming, with her kids. Don’t you wanna see her?”

Wait, what? 

“Huh?” 

Shauna stands in front of her mother, who’s sitting on the couch, old iPhone in her hand (she isn’t good for technology but it’s good for everyone to have the same type of phone) as some Netflix documentary plays in the background. Her mother looks up at her and continues the conversation with her son.

“Yes, Zeke.  Shauna’s  Jackie, how many other Jackie’s would I invite for Thanksgiving? Her baby girl is friends with your niece. I know! What are the chances? Well, that’s what I’m trying to find out!” She glances at Shauna and smiles “Anyway, I’ll call you later, she’s glaring at me. Love you too, bye-bye.”

She hates to admit it, but perhaps Callie is right, perhaps her generation neglected mental health (not that she helps to dress up as her biggest trauma and take pics at Johnson’s bathroom flipping people off with Jackie’s kid), perhaps she should consider it more. 

That is why she’s going to completely  ignore  that her mother and her brother referred to Jackie Taylor as  Shauna’s Jackie .  For her mental health.

“I was about to tell you!” Her mother excuses herself “I spoke with her the other day.”

“Oh, okay.” Shauna says, even though she actually wants to say  what the fuck  “…I didn't know we were going to have extra people for Thanksgiving.”

“I told her that we should catch up, and then I wanted to know her kids, but the oldest is away at college, so I thought we should just use holiday break for that.” Her mother smiles  “She told me she was busy with work, but would gladly come for Thanksgiving if  everyone  was okay with it.”

Oh.

What way to put her on the spot, typical Jackie, and what a  typical  mom move. 

“And then she told me…” Callie resumes as she hits the vape and waits for Elisa to get out of the showers after PE, and she thought she took long showers – what about the planet? Anyway “if I choose dinner with Jay-Z, I might meet Beyoncé.”

“I’d still choose the 500k.” Elisa answers, her wavy hair dampened as she puts the travel-size conditioner in her purse “Even Jay-Z told people to choose the 500k.”

“That’s what I said.” Oh and speaking of dinners “Is it true you’re coming for Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, it seems so.” Elisa answers as she turns on the dryer, her voice a pitch higher to continue the conversation “Grandpa called and Mom said she had plans for that day.”

“I thought your mom didn’t like her parents?”

“She doesn’t, but my grandpa is slightly more reasonable.” Elisa explains “So unless something happens, we are coming. If you'll have us.”

“Why wouldn't we have you?”

“Dunno, Callie. I don't think your mom likes us that much considering the whole stealing her fit thing.” She turns off the dryer and puts it back in her bag “I mean, I get it, but she’s also weird around my mom.”

“Don't worry about that, my mom doesn't like  anybody, ” Callie says, dismissing the topic with one hand.  She doesn't like me  either   she doesn’t say, she’s aware of it since she was a little girl and everyone looks at her sadly when she says it out loud. 

The truth is that she is quite excited. She didn’t expect Bubba to reach out to the Taylor’s like that, she just wanted some information about why her mom was acting so weird and why cared so much about Elisa being her friend. Admittedly, Thanksgiving isn’t that great most of the time, the food is great but it’s a little boring. It will be cool to meet Uncle Zeke’s girlfriend and hang with people her age. Elisa tells her it’s kind of similar to her family, they didn’t celebrate it much growing up because it wasn’t that big of a deal in the UK. 

“We’ll be on our best behavior, no worries.” Elisa promises as they exit the high school “I have a feeling Mom would kill us otherwise, she spent like an hour talking to your grandma on the phone.” She hits her mango-flavored vape as if it gave her bravery to ask a question “May I ask you a personal question?”

“Depends.”

“Never mind.” She takes it back almost immediately, as if  post-vape  clarity “It’s too invasive.”

“Now I wanna know? I won’t get mad, I promise.”

“No, I really shouldn’t ask that stuff…”

“Come on!”

“Michel says that your mom and our mom had a lot of  tension . Like  exes  type of tension.” Elisa  explains  “Like  bad exes  tension. He didn’t want to ask my mom directly while she was pissed at him, so I wanted to know if it’s just his gaydar not working or your mom is…? You don’t have to answer, it’s too invasive.”

Oh.

As stated before, her mom is a lot of things, but she isn’t homophobic. She doesn’t judge in that regard, and she’s kind of  annoyed  at most men, most of the time. Perhaps she is, but it’s even more embarrassing that Callie  doesn’t know . Kids are supposed to know that stuff about their parents, right? This is just another proof that she doesn’t know anything about her family, at all.

“She doesn’t talk about that shit.” She answers, quickly but direct. Sort of annoyed. She pulls off her vape “But we  can  find out.”

“How?” The other girl asks, and then adds “Please don’t get us grounded again.”

“Relax. We don’t do anything yet, not till Thanksgiving. We’ll get a conclusion after then.” A familiar car that Callie has associated with Elisa’s mom by this time is coming nearby “You doing anything this weekend?”

“Yes, it’s my mom’s birthday, though I still don’t know what to get her.”

“Get her an air fryer!”

“…That’s not a bad idea,” Elisa says as she gets ready to get into the car, Callie waves at Mrs. Taylor who waves back with a smile. She’s very nice, one day she even offered a ride home, and the few times they’ve spoken she always calls Callie  sweetie  or  sweetheart . Elisa waves goodbye before getting into the car “See you tomorrow.”

They have a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving dinner, so Callie decides to observe and set up bait to see if Mom takes it.

The thing about her mom is that she’s the worst liar Callie has ever seen. 

Once, she saw her presents for Christmas in Dad’s car, still unwrapped, and when she asked Mom about it she was like   um  well, maybe Santa’s reindeer were injured  and  they needed Daddy’s help?  She had been  like  six or so, and somehow  it’s  that terrible lie that stuck with her instead of finding out Santa wasn’t real.  You can tell when she  pretends  not to care or to not know about something, how casual she is about keeping Jackie Taylor’s books because they are interesting but how she’s shuffling them around now that she knows she’s coming for dinner.

(though, her mom did try to lie to keep the childish joy, you know? She kind of appreciates that even if the lie was so terrible the six-year-old didn’t buy it.)

But she at the same time is so secretive that it’s hard to find any information from her, her stuff in a safe that Callie can’t sneak around to read even if she wanted to (the jersey is God knows where now, probably hidden as if it was a body). A living contradiction that it’s left to figure out by a 16-year-old daughter she doesn’t like.

“Elisa’s mom's birthday is this week.” She tells them over dinner “Told her to get her an air fryer, weird they don’t have one already, everyone does.”

“Oh, is it?” Mom answers and Bubba looks at her unimpressed “ What ?”

“Nothing, love.”

“It’s been forever, I forgot her birthday is the 7th.”

Her grandma can’t hold it back “Callie didn’t say what day, she just said it was this week.” 

Mom groans and goes back to eating dinner, Callie snorts. Once they are done, and mom is washing the dishes, Callie decides to approach her, because what could be the worst that happened? Mom being mad? As if she isn’t already.

“Hey.”

“I think most people say  hey, mom .”

“…What are you?”

Her mom looks confused at the question “What does that even mean?”

Would it be too blunt to say  are you gay? It’s cool if you are , by  the way,  it probably is.

“Never mind.” She says as she walks away, calling it post-dinner clarity “Forget I asked.”

my  mom loves the air fryer  btw .  Her friend texts her  Doubt  she’ll ever cook a day in her life again.

1998

It is time. 

She had intended to do this before, to finally be brave enough to call. Calling over the phone is a  normal  thing to do. She used to talk for hours over the phone with Jackie when they lived less than ten minutes away from each other. She’s scared that her mind will betray her as it always does these days  and  the sound will  be   calling  for her instead of Jackie’s voice.  We need to go home.  Lottie had said on the plane, but she was already home.

And she can’t spend it this birthday with Jackie, she needs to do this. Jackie said she could always call, no matter the hour.

It feels like forever when she picks it up.

“ Hello ?” Jackie answers, and there’s some music in the background, Shauna already regrets it “Hello?” She insists. 

“...Hi Jackie, it’s me.”

“Oh my God, Shauna?” Jackie sounds surprised “Give me a second, honey. Stay in line. Shut the fuck up! Um – not you, Shauna, my stupid ass friends.” Shauna hears some laughter in the background, and her stomach flattens in anxiety “Okay, I can hear you better now. Sorry.”

They are probably laughing at you.

“I can call later if there’s a problem.”

“Oh, no, there isn’t, we are just at a restaurant. I’m outside now, though.” And then her voice changes, concerned “Did anything happen?”

“I…It’s your birthday today.” She says instead “And I already missed two…”

“You didn’t miss anything!”

“No, I did, and I…”  time isn’t real  but  the calendar says it’s your birthday  so  it must be  “I can’t spend it with you, or go anywhere, the minimum I can do is call.”

“Listen to me, Shauna.” Jackie tells her “I…I’m very happy you called me, like…wow, this is a real birthday gift, but don’t feel bad, okay? We’ll do something on the weekend, you and I. It's okay to take it slow for now, I…I already have you back, and that's all it matters.”

Her voice breaks “— really?”

“Yes.” Jackie’s voice is trying to keep steady, but fails “Really.”

“Then I'll…I’ll see you on Friday.” She tells her, Shauna bites her lip. She has to act  normal . No more killing things , she  no longer needs to. There’s still animal blood behind her nails.  No more , she tells herself “Have fun over there.”

“See you on Friday.” Jackie promises “And we’ll do something then! Like we used to! Okay, perhaps not like we used to, but we’ll think of something! And next year, when you are better, we’ll go somewhere together for yours. You and I. I promise.”

“Happy birthday, Jax.” Shauna smiles over the phone, she better just let her go – to have fun with her friends. To ignore something that feels like jealousy “I love you.”

“I love you too, Shauna. Thank you for calling.”

2021

The only thing kitchen-related that Jackie has ever enjoyed was baking. 

Maybe because she was always helping Deb when the holidays were near. Deb’s children never took an interest in it, and she would say loudly  thank  you  Jackie  for  helping me!  so   it could be heard  from the living room and the bedrooms, but Shauna and Zeke just rolled their eyes. They were  really good  at  actually   eating  the cookies Deb and Jackie made together though.

It also served as good extra money when she lived in Europe, especially on a student visa. She doesn’t do it as much as she used to, because it has all that sugar and it’s bad for your health, but she’s highly considering maybe bringing some pecan pie to Deb’s house for Thanksgiving. Sure, Deb would tell her she doesn’t  have  to, but it would make her feel less awkward once she walks through those doors. 

She grabs some tater tots and a cooking book about how to eat healthy with an AirFryer. It’s probably the best gift she’s ever gotten, the only downside is that now she’s too tempted to have French fries at 10 am. The price of eggs is going to make her cry, but there is a sale and there’s only one carton left, so she goes ahead to reach for it but someone else just snitches it under her nose, and albeit fairly, she turns around to glare at them and…

It’s  Shauna , again.

“Oh. Hi.” 

“Hi.”

“…You needed these?”

“I mean, yeah that’s why I wanted to get them.” The words come before she can hold them back, Shauna rolls her eyes in response “But if you need them.” she puts the carton in front of Shauna.

“Um, actually, you were here first.” She says, making a  thank you but no  wave with her hands “I snitched them under you, that’s unfair. Maybe there’s uh, more in the back?”

“I mean, if there is, I can get them from there.” Jackie insists, even if that four-month job her son held at California at a grocery store taught her anything that  there’s nothing at the  back  so don’t ask.  Whatever, she can live without eggs, though now it makes a problem because she wanted to bake  something  for Thanksgiving. Oh well, she can just go to another store “You won them fair and square.”

“I promise you, we don’t like eggs that much.” Shauna insists, almost forcing it Jackie to accept it “We won’t starve because I didn’t get eggs on sale.”

Jackie pushes back the memory of a starved, foggy-eyed Shauna staring at dull hospital food “I swear I can get them somewhere else!”

“Not for this price, no!” Shauna insists “Besides, wasn't your birthday a couple days ago? Take this as a belated gift.”

“…You remembered my birthday?”

“That is  not  the point , just  take the eggs.” Shauna  says  “It will offend me if you  don’t  accept it.”

Jackie sighs and finally puts the eggs in the cart. The last thing she does is want to offend Shauna when she’s trying to act nice.

“Thank you.”

Genuinely, if you had given her a dollar for every time she’s met Shauna in a supermarket she would’ve had two dollars, which isn’t much, but, weirdly, it has happened twice. 

“So you…don’t have your kid with you.” Shauna noticed.

“Oh, she has basketball practice today.” The truth was that she wouldn’t have hated that her daughter had done soccer as she did, but she’s in that teenage era of  fuck you, I’m my own person.  Regardless, Elisa might not be a fan of sports in itself, but she’s always told her clubs are good for college — which is something she has an interest in. Moreover, it will serve her to have discipline. She doesn’t want her on her phone all day “Callie doesn’t do extracurriculars?”

“She’s not a huge sports fan. I don’t try to force her to do anything.” Shauna shrugs, and Jackie recalls that Shauna was in — poetry club or something. She begged Jackie to join her back in high school. Jackie wonders if she still writes even if for entertainment. Her cart is full of stuff, perhaps too much for what is potentially a house with 3 people “Thanksgiving shopping” Shauna explains “My brother and his girlfriend are coming and…I heard you are coming as well?”

“Your mom invited me, and I really couldn’t say no.” She says almost in self-defense. It wouldn’t have been appropriate, she could turn down her mother with no problem, but Deb? Never. and she didn’t have plans for Thanksgiving other than using her new air fryer and watching Sopranos with the kids. “I mean, if you don’t want us to go I understand…”

“You’re putting words in my mouth, I never said that.” Shauna answers quickly, almost rushed “Sure, it was a bit surprising…”

“I mean, I don’t want to impose or make things awkward.” She knows Shauna doesn’t owe her shit, but she cannot help but feel disappointment. She’s aware that Shauna didn’t like her that much (or at least, not as much as Jackie liked Shauna) but still, it would’ve been nice to see Deb and Zeke. She isn’t forcing it  though “I can tell your mom something came up.”

“Things are plenty awkward already, Jackie, I promise you it can’t get worse.”

“So you want us there?”

“ Yes ,  Jackie , we want you there!” Shauna exclaims, and now everyone is looking at them. Jackie feels her lips turning into a big smile — she probably looks silly smiling like an idiot over an invitation. Shauna’s eyes soften, or maybe that is just Jackie’s imagination “I mean…if you want to go, don’t feel forced, so…”

“We’ll be there.” Jackie promises “If you’ll have us.”

“Okay, then I guess I will…let you be in your way then.” Shauna excuses herself, and Jackie can’t wonder how well this will go since they cannot talk in the supermarket without being awkward “I’ll be seeing you.” 

Jackie stares at the eggs in her half-empty cart, she should have brought a list or something because she forgot what she needed to get other than eggs. She had it all in her mind, but Shauna distracted her and now she can’t remember it for the life of her. 

Well, probably some coconut milk, some french fries, some frozen fruits to do a smoothie, ingredients for baking something for Thanksgiving, and then it comes to her. 

Maybe she can bake something  European  to make things different.

She did date an italian, after all.

1998

It is not hard to pierce things together.

Jackie is aware that Shauna wouldn’t like this — skirting around a topic that she hasn’t even  suggested  she wants to talk about. That she’s walking a very fine line and this could end in disaster. It is a good thing she only researches when she’s at school, and she’s pretty much done with the material anyway.

She would have heard the  allegations  without researching, anyway. 

(Mind you, reading her journal doesn’t even come to mind right now.) 

are  you scared of me?

Not really. 

Perhaps she should be scared sometimes, like when she disassociates in front of uncooked sirloin or when she stares at Jackie at night, but she isn’t scared – or even disturbed, she just feels a profound sorrow. Shauna should be getting onto Dean’s Lists in Ivy League, not going through the equivalent of what her uncle whom the family never talks about went through in Vietnam multiplied by a hundred.

The problem is that people do not learn how to shut up about  rumors  and Deb is trying to protect her daughter, which Jackie agrees with, but Shauna is getting frustrated that her only outings through daylight are going to the doctor to get checkups. Sometimes Jackie would take her out at night, not for too long, and Shauna has been good at withholding her part of the deal (don’t disappear and scare Jackie) but the last time they went out Shauna started crying in the car when they headed home about feeling trapped in her home and Jackie spent a good five minutes getting her to calm down before sneaking back into the house together.

(She tried to make a joke that at least it wasn’t Jackie’s home and backfired, Shauna’s always been sensitive, sometimes too much. Now she’s more.)

The worst part is that Jackie agrees that Shauna should stay on the low, at least for now, because even her mother said something like  people said Shauna and the others probably ate the students, like the Rodriguez girl  and Jackie told her that the next time she spoke about Shauna or the others that way she would flush her valium down the toilet. 

The slap she got barely hurt, she didn’t tell anyone about it, because she knew it would end up badly. 

Jackie decides to finally do things the right way and asks Deb for permission to go out with Shauna and eat some pizza at the Italian restaurant they used to always go to before. They head back before 8:30 pm and she can come with them if she doesn’t think it’s safe. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you girls.” Deb insists, looking behind Jackie as if Shauna would pop out at any moment – and she could “I know you understand.”

Jackie does, and if Deb says no, then she will not touch the topic any further, but still “I’ll protect her, I promise. If it is not safe, then we head back.” 

Shauna wakes up from her nap (she always tells Jackie to wake her up when she arrives, Jackie can’t bring herself to it, she barely sleeps) to her mother saying yes. 

“Zeke gets a 9 pm curfew.” Shauna mutters to Jackie in annoyance “Why do I get  less ?” She’s never been someone that likes tight outfits, because they are uncomfortable, but her clothes are too big for her now and shopping is not something you do at night “Do you know where my belt is?”

Jackie gives it to her, thinking of what to say – she doesn’t want to upset Shauna, but honestly, she kind of wishes Deb had said no and they could’ve just ordered takeout and watch  Before Sunrise  or  Edward Scissorhands  or both. She decides for a negotiation, a middle ground “If everything goes smoothly, she’ll be more open to let us go shopping eventually.” She suggests, trying to bring Shauna to a more positive outlook.

“Everyone whispers around me.” Shauna tells her, staring blankly at her purse “Zeke got suspended at school because he got into a fight, and no one wants to tell me why.” she looks up and stares at Jackie warily “You probably know more than me.”

It’s both an accusation and a fact.

“We got better things to do than worry about a fourteen-year-old getting into fights.” Jackie responds, and frowns when Shauna rushes towards the door and closes it “Be serious.” Jackie insists, trying to sound lighthearted even if her voice quivers a little at the sight of Shauna’s stare darkening “If you don’t want us to go then…”

“Tell  me ,” Shauna demands, and there’s something in her stare that disturbs Jackie — it’s the same way she looks at her brother sometimes, and Jackie wonders if Shauna is looking at them or is looking at something else, or someone. 

If she calls Deb, things will get worse, because she will definitely say  no  to them going out. Jackie bites her lip, she decides she will treat Shauna as normally as she can — so she feels safe around her, enough to let her in.

“I…I haven’t heard anything, Shauna.” And that is the truth, or if it was mentioned, then it was in passing by comment, nothing more. Still, she meets Shauna’s eyes, she has nothing to hide “But your brother isn’t one to pick up fights without reason.”  Your brother got told at twelve that his sister was six feet under  and  he stabbed the kid with a pencil.

“So it was because of me.”

“I didn’t say that.” Jackie answers, a little frustrated and trying to keep her voice low  “he…he  cares  for you, Shauna! He probably…”  he probably has heard people talking about his sister eating others and defended you in the only way  he  knew to  “He probably heard someone talking shit and acted on it if your mom thought it was wrong, he wouldn’t be at his friend's house, would he?”

“…Thank you.” Shauna answers, finally opening the door “For saying it.”

“It’s not because of you.” Jackie insists, reaching for Shauna’s hand “You haven’t done anything.”

And my knees hurt from all the praying for you and your safety , it’s  horrible, and I wish it had never happened. Yet if someone has to come back, it must always be you.  This  is horrible and selfish, but it is the truth.

Shauna stands in front of Jackie, silent for a couple of minutes. She leans in and kisses Jackie’s forehead as if she’s the one who needs the comfort.

“You’re very kind.” Shauna says, and the sudden shifts in behavior are probably the hardest thing to get used to still “But you can’t protect me forever.”

Jackie doesn’t know if it’s Shauna letting go of her hand first, or that her fingers feel like butter and they slip away from her touch, but Shauna opens the door without a word and heads downstairs, waiting for her. Sometimes, Jackie would look back and wonder if she should have said something, perhaps something fake brave like  of  course I can, watch me  or maybe something more heartfelt,  like   but  you deserve to be protected , haven’t  you been through enough?

Instead, she swallows whatever she should have said and follows her downstairs.

2021

“Shauna.” Taissa tells her over the phone, clearly exasperated — as if  she  has the right to be exasperated “It’s not Joe Biden, it’s just Jackie fucking Taylor.”

Well, Shauna would pretty much prefer  Biden  to be in her home for Thanksgiving, she got a couple of things to say to him. 

We’ll be there if you’ll have us.

“You would know that.” Shauna tells her, annoyed at her annoyance “You see her at dinners every two weeks.”

“You overestimate how close I am to her.”  Taissa answers “We’re acquaintances whose relationship has built on mutual benefit.”

“Quit the campaign speech on me,” Shauna says, she doesn’t know why she tells Taissa this, as if she would understand. Actually, that’s a lie, the only person who understood her fully was Taissa, but even if Shauna said  this is like Van Palmer came to dinner with Simone and played with  Sammy   it is not quite it. She and Jackie never dated , they  were  something   “She’s  coming for  dinner  with her  kids .”

“Likely people for her to bring.” Taissa tells her “Jackie’s son goes with her to all the events, honestly, he might be a good case for the theory that homosexuality is inherited.”

“Not the daughter?”

“No, she doesn’t like that stuff. Unless it’s super important she doesn’t go.”

If you had told Shauna Shipman when she was sixteen years old that Taissa Turner would know Jackie Taylor’s  children  better than Shauna did, she would’ve laughed at you. At forty-one, she will take what she can get.

“How are they? Personality wise, I mean.”

“Didn’t this whole thing start because Callie befriended Elisa? Go ask her.”

“Answer my question.”

Taissa tells her what Shauna already suspected, that they were a little sheltered (how does her son not know how to not change a tire?) but Tai also tells her that they aren’t unpleasant. Shauna wouldn’t know, she already got a bad start with the whole party thing. She had Jackie as copilot – with all the affection and pain that comes with it – and her teenage copy at the back sulking. It was not fun.

Though to be fair, they did say  thank you  as they dropped them at their house. 

“Regardless, just have fun, Jackie isn’t going to antagonize you in the middle of dinner in front of the family.” Taissa tells her with amusement, as if it’s funny “I suggest you at least  pretend  everything is under the bridge. Her kids are a little spoiled, but it’s because Jackie loves them very much.”

Shauna doesn’t doubt it.

She tried to figure out their personalities through Instagram because Callie follows them both so Shauna went through the following list until she found  michellcorleoone  and  futurenostalg1a.  Always hated that app, the superficiality of it. Her username is auto-generated and has no icon and no pictures. They are either posting pictures of themselves (son) or pictures of places they’ve gone to (daughter) and an occasional throwback with mom that Shauna might have liked by accident.

She hoped they didn’t see it. Or told Callie about it.

“Shauna.”

Shauna could imagine Jackie’s life in London, walking around the National Gallery with two mini versions of her trailing behind her. Like a mama duck and her ducklings. Sometimes she imagines picking her daughter in her arms while holding her son with her free hand as they listen to the expert ramble about art. 

“Shauna.”

Holidays in Europe and the Mediterranean, playing volleyball at the beach. Watching Moulin Rouge in Paris. She wouldn’t  struggle  at motherhood like Shauna does, there’s nothing she loves more than control, she probably had her kids on a leash once she got a handle on her first baby. 

God and her brother are coming too, with his girlfriend. Shauna doesn’t doubt he has told her how horrible Shauna is. All she knows is that she is Jewish and a photographer with an interest in Marxism and that Zeke and her have been living together for a while. Just what she needed, to pretend to be normal to not scare his brother’s girlfriend.

“Shauna!”

“Ah?” She turns around to face her mother “Yeah?”

“The turkey!”

“Shit!” 

She manages to barely save the turkey, a little overcooked on the sides (okay, a lot, it’s black) but it should be edible. She turns around to see her mother, who smiles but looks a bit concerned. Shauna wondered how long she tried to call for her. She sighs. She’s a bit exhausted.

“Why don’t you take a seat? Callie and I can do the rest.”

Callie hasn’t helped in the kitchen  ever , except now, and Shauna doesn’t trust that she won’t blow up the kitchen. No, there are still a couple of things she has to do before the guests arrive.

“I’m fine.” Shauna tells her, even though she feels that her mom has never bought it when she says so “Just a little stressed.”

“It’s just Jackie, Shauna.” Her mother tells her, hand on the shoulder “She probably wouldn’t care if the turkey was burnt out.”

“She’s not the only person coming.” Shauna defends herself, then sighs. She had tried to be mad at Jackie for this at the supermarket, but she looked like she was looking forward to it, and she could not be mad at her mom because that would be just plain ungrateful.

(And the truth was that there was a time when Jackie coming to visit her was the highlight of her week, counting down the days for it to happen. She always came with something for Shauna. Candy. Hoodies. Tshirts. Magnets. Threw most of them away when she left and regretted it immediately.)

“You know, baby. I think that this happened for a reason.”

“You mean Callie and Jackie’s kid…”

“Her name is Elisa!” Callie shouts from the living room.

“…Going to a party without permission?”

“Oh please, Shauna. If I started recounting how many times you did that with Jackie…”

“It’s  different , mom!”

“And you have a right to be upset.” Her mother tells her, holding her hands “But maybe them befriending each other happened for a reason, but don’t stress yourself, it’s just a family dinner.” And then, she adds “Go rest so you can get ready for our guests, come on, Shauna, off my kitchen! Callie and I can take care of everything!”

Technically  is   Shauna’s kitchen because she’s the one that pays rent, but whatever, once mom puts her mind on something. There’s nothing Shauna can do.

“And Shauna.”

“Hm?”

“Jackie is probably as nervous as you are.”

“Change that jersey immediately! We are going to a Thanksgiving dinner, Michel! Not to eat Chinese after going to the Emirates!” Jackie yells from her room “When I say  casual   I don't mean  that  casual!”

“You said it was a Thanksgiving dinner!” Her son yells back “Why are you dressing like you’re going to meet the President?” 

“Go wear a buttoned shirt! What happened to  dress to impress ?” 

Her son pretends offense “I don’t need to dress to impress, I charm everybody naturally.” 

“Change your shirt, Michel!” 

“Fine.” 

Why do her kids think that everything needs a comment and an attitude? Where the fuck did they get that from? 

Well, probably her, but still! 

But now her son’s comment makes her wonder, she looks at the mirror – she’s tried a black dress, but that is too gloomy for a holiday that is about being with family and your loved ones (and Elisa would say  and colonialism , and while Jackie doesn’t disagree, she hopes she doesn’t bring it to the table). Then she tried the red dress, the same one that she received the Pulitzer with, then she realized that would probably be unintentionally bragging in front of Shauna, so she took it off. Then she tried a white one, but that got dirty too easily…

“Mom, you’re still not ready?” 

Her daughter is wearing a cute lilac sweater, with white pants black boots, and dark pink lipstick – surprisingly, she’s the only one that understood the assignment. 

“You think I’m overdressing?” She asked the only thing she’s wearing now is her earrings, as she’s changing dresses again. She’s probably overthinking, as her daughter looks at her unimpressed.

“It’s a Thanksgiving dinner, mom, you’re not interviewing Boris Johnson.” 

They hadn’t lived in the United Kingdom in over three years, but the feeling remains the same “As if I’d want to hear anything a Tory has to say.” 

“You interviewed Cameron when you worked at BBC.” 

“I had no choice, my boss forced me to.” And if she has had a hold of the pig shagging scandal, she would’ve definitely brought it up “Fucking tory cunt.” She mutters under her breath.

She’s more nervous about this than she’s ever been whenever she’s met an important person. 

“I like the green one.” Elisa says “It’s less formal than your other ones.” 

Oh, right, the light green one is cute, way more casual but still dressy, and Shauna likes green —

She shuts that thought down immediately. Green it is, with a black vest she hasn’t used in years but still fits. Her son comes into her room bored, but wearing a buttoned light blue shirt with black pants and sneakers. That actually annoys Jackie a bit, because it’s making her think that he knew what to wear all along but wanted to go with an Arsenal jersey and shorts just to annoy her on purpose. 

“Alright, you two, listen up.” She observes their reactions through the mirror “The woman who invited us – Callie’s grandma, that is.” Her lipstick looks good enough, not too red, but red enough “Was probably the most important person of my formative years.” She still got her letters until they eventually lost contact, especially when she was pregnant with her first.  Your child  is going to  look up to  you,  they don’t understand when they mess up, and you have to teach them even if sometimes you want to lose your head  “She is the one who convinced me to go to Boston, you directly exist because of her.” She turns around to see her kids “Don’t make a bad impression.” 

Sure, Shauna’s brother might be there, but she isn’t that worried about him or his reactions. He’s probably a more mature version of the fifteen-year-old she last saw. They grew up to be moderately close. Close enough that she would go pick him up to the arcade sometimes, and he’d ask her why Shauna acted so weird to him, and Jackie would genuinely tell him that she didn’t know. Even when she found out, she couldn’t tell him. It was not her explanation to give. 

(Sometimes she thought Shauna resented her for this closeness – as if Jackie had taken her place as Zeke’s older sister. Even though Jackie would’ve never dared to. Shauna told her  I don’t even like soccer , this  happened to me because of you! I’m fucked because of you!  and it had been genuinely so awful that Jackie never forgot it. Perhaps she believed to an extent, and that is why she felt so insecure after being invited to the dinner. 

If she caused so much pain to Shauna by forcing her to play soccer, then perhaps she should cancel. She’s done enough.) 

“Oh wow, do we embarrass you that much?” Elisa snaps her off her thoughts, deadpan, and Jackie turns around horrified “...That was a joke.”

Embarrassed, she has dedicated  two  books to these two, her entire career in human interests is seeing underrepresented kids and seeing her kids' faces. Jackie knows how it feels to feel like you embarrass your parents. May God forbid her kids think she ever feels like that about them.

“You don’t embarrass me! Like – maybe I’ve been stressing too much.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Like, do you think pecan pie and cannoli is too much? Should’ve stuck with a traditional one.” 

“ Mom , please relax.” Elisa sighs, rubbing her temples “It’s a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s supposed to be fun. A couple of hours and we’re back home.” 

Her kid is right — where was this levelheadedness when she decided to fool around with Callie? Anyway, she might have worded this whole thing wrong. 

“Like, be yourselves, but also – behave?” 

“ We know !” 

“Don’t give me attitude!”

She gives her son the keys, the Elisa sits in the back with the cannoli and the pecan pie she’s made – she’s been giving the aux and Michel complains that she’s about to put on a K-pop song. Jackie sits in the passenger seat and opens the window to smoke a cigarette. She was on a break from smoking and went a good six months without it, but she’s too stressed right now. Deb hated when she smoked, she would say she was prettier when she didn’t have that smell on her. She remembers that and shoves some peppermint mints immediately down her throat. 

“Fortunately for you,” Michel tells her as they park in front of Shauna’s house, acting like a gentleman and opening the door for his mother. There’s an extra car there, and Shauna’s minivan (why does she have a minivan when she only has one daughter?) “I happen to be a  delight  on dinners, and mothers love me, so you don’t have to worry about my behavior.” 

“I don’t doubt it.” Jackie answers as they exit the car “Whoever raised you must get the credits.” 

It’s a nice house, judging from the outside, a little smaller than the house Shauna grew up in. The grass is a little tall, and there are neighborhood cats who run away as soon as soon as they step out of the car. But they got a nice porch. It makes sense that they got a house, Shauna hated apartments — even those months they lived together, she felt suffocated by them. Too small, she supposes. Jackie’s childhood home was big, but she’s more fond of apartments now. Even if sometimes she wakes up because her kids won’t stop arguing.

Arguing , no, friendly insults weren’t arguing, even if she had to tell them to cut it off at best and de-escalate at worst. arguing was…

Where the fuck have you been!? You were missing for two days, Shauna!  Almost  called the police!

Mind your fucking business! I go wherever I want  to go , sorry  to break it to you!

Well, I’m sorry I give a shit about you and your well-being!

She pushes the memory of a bedroom room being closed to her face and knocks on the door. She feels like she’s holding her breath. The door opens, and a larger yet familiar face greets them.

“Oh my God.”  Jackie's face breaks into a smile “Zekey?”

“No  shit .” The man says — he is tall with a powerful voice and a brown beard , he  was already her height when he was thirteen, and he left her in the dust the years after. The last time she saw him, he must have been 15, and since he had gained  weight  the football team wanted him to try being a quarterback. It’s stupid — because they’ve all aged, yet somehow she expected to be greeted by Shauna’s  teenage  brother “I thought mom was lying!”

Jackie couldn’t help it, she knew that Zeke hated hugs, especially at a young age, but she hadn’t seen him in twenty years, so she hugged him and he surprisingly managed to lift her off the floor and spin her around. All nervousness is gone off the window, and she's laughing long after they separate. She’s aware that she should try to be more calm — this is a family she hasn’t been a part of for two decades, and she should approach it like it’s a new setting.

Zeke introduces her girlfriend, Sarah. A photographer, she’s very nice and pretty, and – God, she can spot a bisexual woman from a mile away. They engage in quick conversation because she’s in freelance and the job market is completely miserable, and she’s about to tell her she knows someone when…

“Jackie!”

When she sees Shauna’s mother she loses it.

Deb’s hair still hasn’t gotten white – though is less brown than she remembers, she also looks less tired. Perhaps it’s because she’s retired, perhaps it’s because she doesn’t have to deal with two (three) kids in her house, but her eyes are still as kind as always. The feeling in her stomach is completely different from when she went to visit her parents when her kids were still small and she ended up crying in the car because her mother always made her feel like that. 

Instead, she almost runs into her arms and holds tight, closes her eyes to dwell on it like how Deb hugged her the first time she left for Boston and all the times after. It’s how Jackie hugs her son when he’s away for too long or even how she hugs her daughter when she participates in after-school activities. It might be too embarrassing to say, but she’s always looked back to Deb’s behavior when it’s about being a mother. 

“My sweet Jackie! Thank you so much for coming! And these must be your children?”

“Indeed, they are Michel and Elisa” Jackie grins, telling them to step forward – as they stand awkwardly waiting for the whole reunion to unfold. Michel smiles and Elisa waves shyly “Again, I apologize for everything that happened.” 

“You never apologized for getting that Christian girl to cover for you and Shauna while driving down to New York.” Deb teases slightly “But we’ll have all the time in the world to talk about the past. Let’s see the present” Her attention focuses on the kids “I heard you’re friends with my granddaughter. Callie talks a lot about you – Elisabeth, is it?” 

“Um. Yeah. Elisa is fine though.” Her daughter replies, awkwardly. 

“My daughter is very shy when meeting new people.” Jackie explains “However —”

“Thank you for inviting us.” Michel interrupts her “We brought some desserts, well, it was mostly my mom, but we were moral support. Well, I was away, but she felt my support from afar.” 

“Well, aren’t you a  Prince Charming?” Deb lets out a laugh “And this young lady is the Princess of your house, aren’t you? Make yourselves at home, put everything on the table. You really didn’t have to bring anything, Jackie.” 

“I would’ve felt bad if I didn’t.” Jackie says offhandedly, and then she notices Callie and Shauna observing the whole reunion “Hi Shauna, hi Callie.” 

“Hey, Mrs. Taylor.”

“Jackie is good, sweetheart.” She smiles at the teenager, and the teenager smiles back “How are you?”

“Hey.” Shauna stands in, awkwardly. She’s wearing one of those flannels that were reminiscent of Jackie who used to steal all the time when they were younger, so much so that Shauna always had an extra pair of clothing in her home. Don’t get her wrong, she looks great. But now Jackie thinks she almost messed it up choosing a fancy dress. Is this green dress feel too formal, is she making Shauna uncomfortable? “So, uh, thank you for coming. That dress is cute.” 

“I mean, thank you for inviting us –” Even though it is clear that this is not her idea – she supposes it is kind of awkward that your ex-friend shows up at Thanksgiving and everyone is hugging her and asking how is she doing. Yet, she can’t help but smile at the comment about her green dress. 

She makes the mistake of turning around to see her daughter, who’s already exchanging looks with Callie, who does a thumbs up at Shauna’s compliment. 

God, let this not be terrible.

1998

Figlios is a good restaurant, they are the only joint at Wiskayok that serves real italian pizza. 

Jackie and Shauna would come here all the time, either to eat pastichio ice cream or those subs that were out of this world. It’s family-owned, and to be perfectly fair, the  nonna  who runs the place welcomes Shauna very warmly. She hosted soccer meetings through most of the years, and she always gave Natalie extra everything free of charge on the account of being of Italian heritage. She does this to Shauna too, when she gives her a large 7UP without asking, and it feels a little too sweet, but she appreciates it. 

There’s a small gift in her pocket that she made for Jackie – she just hasn’t found the right time to give it to her. Her friend smiles at her, a little tense, but genuine, like when she arrived at her home after an argument with her mom. 

Shauna knows why she’s tense, she’s known since they arrived here.

People are  talking , people are  whispering,  people are staring at her. It’s loud, but at the same time, it feels distant, as if it is not really real. People have talked about her – them before, even at the hospital, but they were mostly whispers of pity and Shauna had been too weak and drugged to care. These are whispers of gossip. 

She thought they’d catch the memo after the first one went missing. 

“Are you okay?” Jackie asks “We can do takeout, if you want.”

Jackie is uncomfortable – that much Shauna can see, she’s always cared for people’s opinions too much. Parents. Teachers. Counselors. Everyone. Even people who didn’t deserve it. This is probably only happening to amuse Shauna because she already celebrated her birthday with her frie — 

She shakes those thoughts off, Jackie ate something similar to that horrible hospital food when everything was starting so Shauna wouldn’t feel alone when the refeeding process was happening. She’s probably uncomfortable on Shauna’s behalf. 

“Yeah.” Shauna answers, and Jackie feels distant even in front of her “Don’t pay mind to them.” Jackie’s touch brings her back to reality, she’s holding her hand under the table “I…I’m fine, Jackie.” She even smiles a bit, even if Jackie probably doesn’t believe it “How…how is school?” 

Jackie talks about her classes – which is something Shauna enjoys listening to, Jackie has given her some of the books she’s had to read in the past semesters in case she’s bored, but she can’t bring herself to read them. They make her read and research a lot, and admittedly, she wasn’t used to it at first, but she’s getting better at it.

“Do people talk about us…there?” She asks, out of curiosity “You don’t have to lie.”

“Sometimes people ask me, yeah.” 

“What do you say?”

“The truth, that I don’t know. They usually leave after that.” Jackie answers, taking a bite off her pizza slice “My friends ask me if you’re doing okay.” 

“What do you tell them?” 

“Some chicken wings and a coke, please.” Jackie tells the waiter “I tell them that…that you’re really strong.” She smiles  “And that you’ll be fine. Maybe fine enough to spend a weekend there, you know? Once things die down. We’d have to plan because my room smells like weed most of the time.” 

She should, yes, because Jackie heads back to her home every weekend to spend time with her and make sure she is doing alright, would’ve probably dropped out of the semester without caring for her GPA if Shauna hadn’t insisted not to. It makes sense to go visit her sometimes when she feels better. Whenever that strange feeling of anger and jealousy isn’t in her stomach, sometimes she thinks it would be cool to meet the people who taught Jackie basic life skills such as cooking. 

“I learned out of spite,” Jackie tells her, and Shauna leans in, partially to focus on Jackie’s voice instead of the whispers behind her. She catches the memo because she speaks a little louder “Because they were making fun of me eating sandwiches and pasta every day, so I tried to do quesadillas and…okay, it ended badly.” And she smiles when Shauna couldn’t stop laughing “No, for real, that shit went to the ceiling! They won’t ever let me live it down! Then they decided they would teach me, and that’s why I make breakfast every time I come to see you.” 

The worst thing about going out to eat is that it goes fine. It goes great. The problem wasn’t that. She can handle the whispers, as long as she’s holding Jackie’s hand.  Would you  care,  if you knew?

It goes wrong at the end of it.

When they are paying (Shauna insisted on paying for Jackie with her mom’s card, and told her she’d feel bad if she didn’t accept) they meet a familiar face.

She has aged – as her mother has, her blonde hair has shades of white, and there are bags under her eyes. This woman was not always like this, she taught Shauna and Jackie fourth grade, and she taught her brother fourth grade. Her hair was long and beautiful back then, with brown eyes, all the boys at school had a crush on her, and even Jackie said once she was like a princess.

“Mrs. Martinez.” Jackie greets – and there’s this tone of carefulness when referring to this woman as if anything wrong would make her unravel. It is then, used by a third party, that Shauna realizes is the same tone her family uses with her, that  Jackie  uses with her. The realization doesn’t sit well in her stomach “Hello.”

Shauna would handle it if she sent her hateful stares – perhaps Travis gave in, and told her everything. Perhaps she’d make a scene out of it, and she’d have to run away from it or be punished. Maybe the truth would finally go out.  I didn’t want to do anything  she wanted to say, either to her or to Jackie  it  made us choose, and Lottie was its messenger. 

“Hi Jackie, hi Shauna.” The woman smiles, a mix of fondness and sadness, and Shauna thinks that is the only thing that she could have not handled. She doesn’t know what she did. No one knows. They think they just ate each other, which happened, but they do not know, not really “I’m glad you’re doing well.” 

Shauna’s throat is dried, Jackie speaks to both of them “It was my birthday, so we decided to go out for a while.” She answers, and Shauna nods almost mechanically “We’re on our way to head back, though. Zeke told me that you’re retiring?” 

“Yes, I…I love my job, but…” She looks at both of them with profound sadness, Shauna feels like she’s going to drown. She saw it on her mother too, during the first months at the hospital, but there was also amazement. As if she wasn’t a shell but rather a miracle and had returned from the dead. There is no amazement in Mrs. Martinez's eyes, just grief. She coughs suddenly, and when it finally stops, she concludes “I…I cannot teach anymore. I’m…I’m sick, and every time I see the students…I can’t do it.” And yet, she makes the effort to smile at Shauna “I’m glad you’re doing well, honey.”

I chopped your son into pieces – we let him die so we could live , we  hunted each other yet slept next to each other.  Tell me  how much you hate me. 

Jackie handles most of the conversation – Shauna doesn’t know what was said, but soon after Jackie guides her out of the restaurant. Shauna can barely blurt out a bye. They sit in silence for what feels like an eternity as Jackie puts the safety belt on.  I used to drive her around  Shauna can’t help but think, it wasn’t a role, in itself, like back there, but she can’t help that she has been deprived of that because she’s untrustworthy. 

“Shauna?” Jackie calls “Sweetheart?”  

Javi was kind, like his mom, that was the first thing she noticed about him. She looked at him when they were doing shooting practice and she declined to join. It was then that he realized she was the sister of the boy who won over him in the art contest in Elementary School, a few years ago.  Ezekiel , isn’t it?  His comic was good  And  Shauna had nodded, suddenly panged by nostalgia and fear that she’d never see him again or grab his consoles  just  to annoy him.  I helped him.  She told him, though it had been mostly his idea, he did come for Shauna for advice when it came to that stuff  We’d  often do stories together when we were younger  and Jackie was always their public, and always pushed for more romance even when Zeke screamed it was a boys comic.

Javi was surprised, his dad never did that kind of stuff with him, or Travis, but now his dad was dead and he never would. 

Well, Shauna’s dad wanted a first-born son and his first son didn’t want to be a lawyer but an artist, and he was more than happy to start over after the divorce. She removed one of the pages of her journal, and one of her pencils, and gave it to him.  Maybe I’ll introduce you to him, make him learn to be a nice boy.

“Shauna?”

“I’m fine.” She answers mechanically. 

“We’ll be home soon.”

Javi’s body was frozen, lifeless, she covered her eyes, and she could barely see from all the frozen tears. It matters not, because she has to cut through his body. And her body. And all her bodies until she finally dies.

And it has no purpose because she’ll never go home, she’ll never see her mom, or Jackie, or her brother. It doesn’t matter. And she feels another version of her emerge, one that laughs at the darkness and is finally free at the cost of herself. 

“Shauna, we are home.”

She’s no longer there, she’s in Jackie’s car, back home. Her friend stares at her worried, concerned — she’s heard her voice, but it sounded distant, like a dream. She’s alive, or at least she thinks she is. She’s  fine . Annoyance at her concern emerges from her stomach, and she tries to calm it down. It feels like her stomach is revolting, regardless. 

“Hey!” Her brother has just arrived as well, with grocery bags on his bike’s handles. He waves at them, and soon enough he notices Shauna must be going through something because he asks Jackie “What happened?”

“I don't  fucking  know.” Jackie snaps “Did you unfreeze the chicken?”

“I forgot.”

“Zeke!”

Shauna throws up before she can get out of Jackie’s car.

Shauna isn’t sure how, but Jackie might be the only person on earth that reproduced through mitosis — because what the fuck.

A cell that divides itself into two, a year and a half separating them. Meant to grow up together, her traits were perfectly divided within her progeny. 

She had already noticed the similarities between Jackie and her son – physical similarities there were not big, other than the eyes. He’s got dark, brown hair that is either curly or wavy depending on the day. Yet Shauna noticed their reactions were similar, she had been too pissed off to dwell on it, but he frowned the same way Jackie did when she didn’t get her way, that much she noticed at the party. 

What Shauna didn’t expect is that Jackie’s son was a teenage Jackie repackaged and remixed and fully confident in his sexuality (lesbian mom and gay son? Shauna doesn’t doubt that bond is ironclad). He makes himself the center of the conversation. Shauna learns that he studies theatre and dancing and is considering a minor either in film or English, liked to imitate characters’ voices when he was little, his favorite Oscar category is international, and he played football from Elementary to High School. Except instead of a striker, he was a fullback. 

Also, Jackie really didn’t need to wear such a dress, honestly, now it feels like she and Callie didn’t put any effort into their outfits (Callie is wearing a t-shirt and pants because  why would I wear jeans in my home? ). It’s a little too elegant, and it matches Jackie's eyes. She’s wearing a gold necklace and — honestly, it’s just a Thanksgiving dinner, it is nothing formal to dress like that. She really takes the dress to impress too far.

(That being said, she looks very beautiful and elegant, as always. She smiles kindly when Shauna compliments her dress. Callie was doing the thumbs up at Shauna, for some reason, and even the other kid was nodding in support — what?)

Naturally, her mother is absolutely enchanted with Jackie’s son, she probably would want to adopt him if she could. He erases any kind of tension that existed at the table since the moment her brother stepped into the house. He has the ego of an actor, no doubt. The worst part is that Shauna can’t bring herself to think that it’s irritating, she finds him quite endearing, and it’s stupid how he even made her smile more than once when they have spent less than 2 hours together. 

“You're meeting the humble beginnings of the future Oscar winner for the best lead.” he tells Shauna matter-of-factly, full of confidence “Third queer actor that has won that category, so far.”

“So, you don't want any other LGBT actors to win it before you?” She asks.

The boy stares at her dead in the eye and then takes a sip of his coke, and he tells her, dead serious “No.”

“ Michel .” Jackie scolds.

She hadn't expected Jackie’s daughter to be rather quiet in contrast. She answers questions with yes and no, but she wants to be a doctor, though she hasn’t specialized in what. She doesn’t take AP, because it’s a waste of time, but other than anything Jackie wants to expand on, the kid seems more than happy to let her brother have the spotlight if it means she can be on her phone. 

“So.” Her mother says with a smile “If I may ask…how did you girls meet?”

“We met through the Internet.” Jackie’s kid answers — because of course the internet had a billion users but it’s Jackie Taylor’s children that Callie befriends “I think it was…three years ago?”

“We had each other blocked.” Callie explains “Actually – why did you have me blocked?” 

“I block everyone that annoys me.” The other girl shrugs with a snarky tone “You must've said something.”

“Wow.”

“Good way of thinking.” Shauna can’t help but say, and the girl nods, feeling validated. 

“But someone told me to unblock so I’d get added to a chat, and she was there, so I unblocked. When the group chat imploded, we starting DMing each other and one thing led to the other.” Jackie’s daughter looks at her mom “I think it was when we started our move plans to the US? We just met in real life last year, though, in an Ariana concert.” 

“And she told me her mom was moving to Jersey, so we were planning to link up, aaand we are here.”

“The concert you had no permission to go to?” Shauna asks she knew Callie snuck out, but this all but confirms it. 

“You’d know a thing or two about sneaking to concerts.” Her mother says calmly, Callie raises her eyebrows in confusion, so Deb continues “Your mother.” And then refers to Michel and Elisa, and playfully points out at Jackie, who is either the wine or embarrassment but her cheeks are red “ And  your mother…”

“Please let it go.” Shauna sighs. 

“Yeah, that was different!” Jackie agrees.

“How?” Zeke asks. 

“it just was,” Jackie answers, and Shauna nods in response, she can’t help but return the smile. 

“So it was in February 1995, and I used to work nights, you know? Sometimes days too, but not the point. Your mother was in my house all the time…”

“Couch must have been mom’s second bedroom.” 

“Far from it, she used to sleep in Shauna’s room.” And upon her mother’s recollection, she takes a second glass of wine “You’d see them entangled one with another while asleep, more often than not.” Let’s make that a third, and it seems that Jackie also got the same idea “But that’s not the point, I said goodbye to these 3, and I went to work, so imagine how my surprise when instead of seeing them in my house, it was this nice Christian girl who was babysitting my son – what was her name?”

“Laura Lee.”

“Thank you, Jackie. Yes, Laura Lee. Very nice girl, may her memory be a blessing. so I go ahead and ask her where are Jackie and Shauna. Because whenever one was the other was there as a given, and Shauna’s car was nowhere to be found” Upon Deb’s continued story, Jackie drinks that glass of wine as if it was soda. That was true, they were always together. It took a plane crash to truly separate them for two years. If this ends up in disaster, blame the wine “And she was actually super loyal! She didn’t sell them at first, but eventually, I ended up convincing her to tell me the truth…what was the name of the band, Shauna?”

Shauna sighs “Hole.” 

“What is Hole?”

“Courtney Love’s band.”

“Isn’t that the one who killed Kurt Cobain?” Callie asks. 

“No one knows that.” Jackie tells her “He struggled with mental health, and his demons, it’s unfair to blame her for that, even if Courtney is an asshole…” 

“Oh! Right, Mom likes that Miss World song.” 

“Yes, the point is that Shauna drove to New York without my permission, with Jackie as shotgun, of course, to watch Hole live. I don’t really know when they bought tickets —” Shauna can’t help but snort at the memory and Jackie is flat out holding back laughter “Any confessions, sweetheart?” 

“It…it is true.” Jackie admits, raising her hands in faux-surrender “As soon as you left, we got into the car and drove to New York. We missed the first leg of the tour, we weren’t gonna miss the second. That much it’s true but…” And then the giggling was nonstop, just like when they came back from the show and Jackie was giddy and happy and Shauna was piggybacking her “Sorry. I’m…pffft — We didn’t pay for it.”

“ What ?”  

“We snuck in the pit, in the middle of the mosh, it was at Rosebowl,” Shauna remembers. They had no tickets, no hotel, just teenage recklessness, lack of sense of danger, alcohol, and a dream. It had been Jackie’s idea, of course. They were close enough to the stage to enjoy the show, far enough to avoid getting hit by an empty water bottle on Courtney’s episodes. Jackie and her left their voice singing Violet  when they get what they want ,  and  they  never want it again

“Wait – Mom, you snuck into  Rosebowl ?” Callie says in disbelief “I didn’t know you moved like that.” 

They had reclined the car seats waiting for the exit traffic to calm down, and the first thing they did was go to McDonalds and order like 5 boxes of nuggets and 3 large fries that they ate on the way home because they were hungry as shit. Jackie had gotten them matching tour shirts that were too big for them back then, and Shauna would use them as pajamas more often than not. 

when  life was simple, even if far from perfect 

“I had my moments,” Shauna answers, and she meets Jackie’s eyes, they are shining.

1998

Jackie makes sure that Shauna is asleep before she goes to clean her car. Guides her to her room and helps her change into more comfortable clothing, a  Hole  t-shirt that they got in ‘95. Jackie dismisses her asking if she should help her clean, no, she can handle it.

“Here are some mints, I'll leave them here on your table.” And she does, there's a picture of them as first graders in a talent show, and Jackie smiles at it. “Oh, I know what you're thinking.” she tells the present version of Shauna, holding her cheeks to force eye contact “You didn't ruin anything.” Jackie reassures her, and she returns the forehead kiss from earlier “And it's not the first time I handle…this. Go rest, dear. We can talk about it later. I love you.”

Shauna always looks like she’s caught off guard when Jackie says those words. She tells her every time they go to sleep and every time they have to say goodbye. Sometimes, Jackie wonders — did she never say this before? She thinks she did, of course she loved Shauna, ever since they met in kindergarten and Deb was pregnant and Shauna was excited but nervous because a girl told her the baby would be mom’s new favorite, and five-year-old Jackie told her very seriously that she’d  always  be her favorite. She even wrote in her about me that  I like Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and playing with Shauna every day!

Shauna whispers a barely audible  I love you  too   before she falls asleep. Jackie covers her up to her face with a blanket. Let her have a good dream for a change.

Jackie’s had this happen before – especially in their freshman year of Uni, she had been too depressed to go out, which made her the de-facto unpaid driver (why her friends let the borderline suicidal person drive is beyond her, maybe because Jackie wanted to kill herself but she didn’t want to hurt others). Allison is a nice drunk, really introverted, and when she throws up, she does it in a bag like a lady. Maryam threw up in her copilot and it was the very first time Jackie felt anything other than desolation post-crash: she wanted to beat the shit out of her. 

With Shauna, Jackie wants to beat the shit out of herself.

“Ezekiel! Get off your video games and help me!”

Having dealt with vomit before doesn't mean she enjoys it in any capacity. She'll have to put the carpets in the washing machine more than one time. Shauna’s brother cringes at the smell, and she's annoyed because he's a man, aren't men supposed to handle this type of stuff? 

“I don't know what happened.” Jackie laments as they finally finish cleaning, the smell is finally gone “She was doing well…until we saw Mrs. Martinez.”

“Her son was missing for a couple of days,” Zekey tells her.

“What!?”

“He was found yesterday drunk in a street.” Zeke is silent, then glances at her house “She always asks me how Shauna is doing, maybe to compare. I think they are going to move out of the state in a couple of months. I also saw Misty in the grocery store, and I tell you, she’s a weirdo.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say.” It might not be entirely untrue though “She’s also been through a lot.”

“Dude, she stared at me and said to not get on things I didn’t understand.” That wording, however, made Jackie cold. Zeke is scared, you can tell, but he won't admit it because boys never admit it “I never have spoken to her, I didn’t even know she existed till they disappeared.”

If she continues the conversation, then Shauna sometimes acting  weird   will come up, and Jackie doesn’t want to talk about that when she just stares at Jackie with foggy brown eyes as Jackie puts the t-shirt on her. It would feel like betrayal. But she also doesn’t think Zeke is lying.

She cares for the kid, deeply, but her choice is clear if it comes to him vs his sister. He knows this too.

“Ignore her, man.” She sighs “And what the fuck are you gonna eat now?”

“I kinda expected to get something from you two.”

Fair enough. She’ll get him something later, they’ll do something tomorrow with that chicken.

They enter back to the house, and there’s nothing but a sound coming from the kitchen. 

There’s only one person here because Deb is at work. She stares at Zeke and tells him to get to his room, and she’ll handle this. Whatever it is.

Zekey left that chicken frozen in every sense of the word, he barely got it out when Jackie was busy taking care of Shauna upstairs and then put it back when she told him to help clean the car. That chicken is  frozen , frozen. No knife could go through it, the ruined knives aside the table should be proof of this.

The silhouette that’s in the kitchen is dressed in light blue pajamas. She cuts mercilessly and accurately, on her side there are a couple of ruined knives aside. It’s almost mechanical, Jackie can’t help but stare at how precise Shauna cuts, as if she knows exactly where bone resides. Whenever she finds it, she insists and insists until she cuts the bone in half as well. 

She wants to call for her, but her throat feels dry, and a part of her is worried that if she breaks Shauna off her concentration she’ll cut herself by accident. She puts the pieces of the chicken in the bowl, and wordlessly turns around to see Jackie, as if permitting her to come forth, Jackie does. 

“He needs to eat.” She says, washing her hands “I figured you can handle it from here.” Jackie says nothing, Shauna’s face twists in anger, and her brown eyes narrow, they are endless pools, or at least they feel like it “Stop looking at me like that!”

Jackie gulps and forces herself to not do a jump, not knowing what to do – should she press over the topic? She forces herself to remember.  I know you won’t hurt me ,  that’s  why  I’m not scared of you . 

“It is a little late…” Jackie says, as she grabs the ruined knives and wordlessly puts them in the trash “Maybe we can wait till they unfreeze a little and do them for tomorrow, honestly, my chicken lacks a little flavor”  This is dry as shit, Jackie!  her  friends say  have you heard of seasoning?  “I was thinking of ordering some fried chicken for your brother, maybe some extra, if you’re hungry?” 

“We shouldn’t waste food.” Shauna finally says, putting the knife on the table. Her eyes focused on Jackie, her tone matter-of-factly “You’re holding your breath.”

“We won’t.” Jackie tells her, holding her hands “We’re doing it tomorrow, and frankly, I’m super full from eating a couple hours ago, aren’t you? Still, it’s Zeke’s fault for forgetting about the chicken, I’m gonna go order something for him. I’ll be right back.”

Shauna grabs her hand, tightly. “I’m paying.”

“You don’t…”

“You didn’t let me help you.” Shauna answers, her grip tight “Let me do this. ” 

Something made her think things would get worse if she argued back, so she let her come with her. 

She ordered a medium pizza, just in case Deb wanted something to eat early in the morning when she got here, and chicken wings and some breadsticks. Shauna sits in front of her as she sees her order, she shakes her head no when Jackie asks her if she wants something in particular. There’s tension in the air, Shauna is right, she is holding her breath, Jackie extends her free hand to her in reconciliation, and Shauna takes it. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” She tells her when the call is done, not looking at her “And…I’m sorry about your car.” 

“It’s okay. Nothing crazy cleaning and paying your brother didn’t fix.” She grabs a chair for herself so she can sit and she can look at Shauna's eye to eye. “Do you…do you want to talk about today?”

“Not really.” 

She is within her rights to keep to herself – even though this territory is completely unknown, Jackie used to think there were no secrets within them. Then she finds out she fucked Jeff behind her back, and then whatever happened in Canada. Maybe there are more secrets than she thought. Jackie doesn’t like it, but then she reminds herself this is not about her liking it. It’s about Shauna. 

“Um. Okay.” Jackie isn’t scared of Shauna – disturbed would be the more accurate word, and that’s just at times. Yet this is nothing compared to not having her. Jackie would never wish it on anybody, her knees hurting on how much she prayed and going to church every Sunday to protect Shauna.  May they all be safe and warm, God , I  know it is not a good wish, but if one must survive, please protect Shauna . “I mean –” And she uses the same words her roommate used on her “If one day you wanna talk about it, I’m here. You know? Zero judgments or anything. Maybe you’d feel better sharing it. But at your own time. It’s what I’m trying to say.”

Shauna is quiet, and it is the first time Jackie feels it – this invisible wall that wasn’t here before, and now it was. 

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” She asks “Ever?”

Fortunately for Jackie, the delivery knocks on the door and she doesn’t have to answer. 

Elisa lets Callie get the details (unless she has to correct her) of their meeting. 

They had been online acquittances for a while, but moving to the US and adapting to the change had cost her more than it did to her brother which meant she spent a lot of time on her phone. She had gone to the US when younger on several vacations, but living here was another topic entirely, she struggled settling at school for a bit. Callie skips the part where she reached out because Elisa was shading her mom on her private account and they bonded from there.

(Okay, perhaps she had overreacted back then because she was yelling at her brother. Mom cut it off. Elisa was upset she was siding with him. Mom said she wasn’t. Elisa said she ruined her life with the move because these Americans are stupid. I mean, she wasn’t wrong, most of them are, but maybe she shouldn’t have said mom ruined her life. She was young and foolish – that means she was 13 –) 

Also – wow, this cannoli is delicious, even better than the one  she  used to make for them.

“This is very good.” Callie’s mom says to her mom “Like…wow.” 

“I’m glad you enjoy it.” Her mom said, and Callie looked at her like  do you see this?  Elisa looks at her brother and he nods, he sees it too.

Anyway, back to Callie and her. They became friends, they met at that concert a year ago in real life (finally) and now she’s at Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone here it’s nice. Callie’s grandma is super nice and she sees the way mom smiles at her that it’s a very opposite relationship than the one with her blood grandmother. Callie’s uncle and girlfriend are cool enough, she’s a photographer, like  she  was.

“So, Jackie.” Callie’s grandma starts “How are your friends from college? Still keep in contact with them, I hope.”

“Mhm.” Jackie nods “I still talk to Maryam from time to time, we both are too busy these days, but she works as a neurosurgeon. Allison and I both lived in California when I moved back, but in different cities, she’s a professor at Berkeley these days.” 

“She’s the one you moved with to London, correct?” Callie’s grandma asks, and Jackie nods Mrs. Shipman looks at her empty plate and holds the spoon a little too tight “It must’ve been a little intimidating, moving to another country on your own.”

“Well, I wasn’t alone, fortunately. I had my friend with me. But yes, Europe is…different.” Mom answers with a shrug “But I am grateful for what it gave to me, if Boston was where I began understanding the world then I guess…I guess I became a woman in Europe, especially in London, as it’s where I lived. Like, I even started supporting a team properly, I was a ticket holder for years, but even more important…” Mom looks at her and Michel with a smile “And London gave me these two, so I’ll always be grateful for it.” Her brother smiles and Elisa’s cheeks are red in embarrassment. “And I have a lot of friends that I cherish there, and I miss them dearly, but we keep in contact.”

“Elisa said Paris is overrated,” Callie says, spoon in her mouth. 

“Oh, other than two blocks, Paris is horrible.” Mom rolls her eyes ``Horrible subway system, and French people are rude, rats everywhere. Oh my God.” Elisa tries to pretend not to laugh when she notices Callie and her mom’s ideal visions of Paris are heartbroken. It happens. “Loved going to the Louvre, though, and the South is nice. Versailles is a tourist trap, glad I did that in grad school, but yeah, there are nicer cities.” 

“There’s also a lot of fascism.” She can’t help but say.

“There’s a lot of fascism everywhere in Europe, Elisa.” Her brother counters.

“There’s a lot of fascism  here.”  Mom cuts the topic, to make it clear that no talk about fascism on the table “But yeah, there are nicer cities. I’m personally fond of Amsterdam but to each their own.” And then she adds “I’m sure Florida is amazing, though.” 

“It really is not.”

“Callie!” 

“Speaking of Europe…” Miss Sarah says “There’s this photographer I admire a lot, she’s known for being a little maniac with her shoots and that will waste a lot of film until it’s perfect. People talked a lot about her, but I recently had a Zoom meeting and she was there, and she was nothing like people said. She was…charming, and if anything her biggest problem is deadlines.

Michel, Mom, and Elisa all looked at themselves at the same time. 

“What’s her name?” Michel asks, and he smiles when Mom glares at him.

“Bianca Di Stefano.” And Sarah blinks when Michel’s smile gets bigger “Oh, you know her?”

“Know her? You could say that.”

“Michel Henry quit it.” Mom says, and her brother gracefully retreats “That sounds like her. Still, you learn a lot from her and her point of view, as frustrating as she can get. Both in work and her personal life.” 

“She’s your friend, Jackie?” Callie’s uncle asks, and she sees how Michel points out discreetly at Callie and Elisa to focus on Mrs. Shipman’s reaction as if it is inevitable. Elisa wonders how she’d react if Elisa told her that the picture she liked and then unliked on Instagram (throwback picture of them at the beach, she was like seven or so, and she’s making a sandcastle and mom is helping her and they are both smiling at each other) was taken by a famous photographer.

(And you know, because she sucks at technology, Elisa will let the stalking pass, consider it even for the whole stealing uniforms thing.) 

Doesn’t Bianca look like…

Oh?

“Yeah.” Mom says and then she doesn’t look at Callie’s mom in the eye “She’s my ex-partner.”

Callie’s mom chokes on her wine. 

Chapter Text

???, Canada

1997

The girl is bathing at the lake.

She’s a beautiful creature, with wet, dirty blonde hair. Her naked back turned on Shauna, her pale skin being kissed by the sun. All of them are pale, with the end of winter and the start of spring. Natalie and Travis have gotten a deer, all for Shauna to butcher. She always butchered alone, but since the winter, when the blood of humans and animals are the same, Shauna doesn’t mind.

The girl always lets herself be seen when Shauna is alone. Sometimes she talks to her.

She is good at her role — it is a hard job, but it is only something that she can do. She was chosen for it. Tears have frozen in winter, and she can butcher the animal without looking. Shauna touches her necklace, it will protect her. It has protected her so far. It will never let her hurt herself.

The girl turns around in Shauna’s direction, touching her breasts in a teasing mood. Hunger growls in Shauna’s stomach, her stomach has gotten used to the small rations, and she can handle a couple extra days…

“That is not what you are hungry for.” The girl teases, a fake disgusting tone “Ew. You are drooling over the food.”

She is, above the deer's fur, it will be clean once she’s done with it. It’s not like the others can be picky about it, anyway. Her hands with dried animal blood begin playing with the necklace again as she abandons her duty just to watch the girl bathe. 

( “It’ll give you good luck.” Jackie had told her – very sad that she was left behind, but pulling Shauna into a tight hug nonetheless “It’ll protect you from anyone that tries to fuck with you.”) 

She is a forest fairy, something divine. She cannot tell the others about her, she would get pity looks. She isn’t crazy. The wilderness chooses, and Shauna is chosen by the girl.

“Shauna.” The girl smiles “Come bathe with me.”

Shauna is no stranger to naked female bodies, she hasn’t been in a long time. 

“You prefer orgies with people you don’t like and howling to the moonlight than bathing with me?”

“That only happened once.”

“Did you like it?”

“…Yeah.” She nods, weakly, walking towards the lake, removing her shoes “And they are my friends, I like them.”

She has memorized their smell and their body shape, it feels good — being let go by euphoria and questionable juices. Here it doesn’t matter if she stares too long because she belongs with them. It doesn’t matter that she likes girls too, it’s even welcomed. They don’t care that much that she fucked Jeff.

She likes them, but she wants her.

She’s always have.

“Don’t go too far,” Shauna tells her, water up her hip, water up her shirts, pants, and underwear. She forgot to take them off, blame it on the girl’s voice. Sweet on Shauna’s ears. A lullaby “We never know what’s out here.”

“Come.” 

“Stop moving.”

“I’m right here.” The girl smiles, water up on Shauna’s chest. It’s a little deep now, feet struggle to touch the bottom of the lake but that doesn’t matter. The girl touches Shauna’s face “Shauna.”

“Jackie.” 

“You can touch me.” She whispers in her ear, kissing her temple “It’s me who you wanted to touch, right? Not Jeff. don’t be shy.”

“How are you here?”

“You want me here.” She answers, Jackie goes close to her ear again “I love you.”

Nothing has felt real since they arrived here — the baby felt real, but he was not there. They ate him. They said they didn’t but they did. She hates them. She loves them. They do not matter when she is devouring Jackie’s naked body with her eyes and lets her hands move on her own. She doesn’t think she’s a pervert or a degenerate or broken. She praises her when Shauna touches her and comforts her when she is alone. Whispers to her that she deserves better than how they treat her.

Jackie was never on the plane, but it doesn’t matter. 

She’s here, she came here for Shauna. She only wants to be with Shauna. It doesn’t matter if it is not real, because Jackie is holding her hand and kissing her and Shauna can feel it, so it must be real.

Here it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, if Shauna does what she’s supposed to do It will give it to her.

“Come with me.” Jackie whispers, touching Shauna’s face “He is with me, we are waiting for you.”

“They ate him, Jax.” Shauna sniffles, but she can hear a baby laughing nearby. She recognizes him “I let them do it because I am so weak I—“

“He is with me, Shauna,” Jackie repeats, with such certainty in her eyes Shauna can just nod in agreement. Jackie touches her necklace, and plays with it with her fingers “You’ve kept it.”

“Yes.” there are many things that she should say, like I’m sorry but instead she says “It protects me.” And then, a confession “I’m tired.”

“We can rest down there, Shauna.” Jackie tells her “I live there now, at the bottom of the sea. he is there with me. We can be a family, the three of us.”

A family .

The wilderness will give it to you if you fulfill your role, or that’s what Lottie says.

She has nothing to lose, and everything to win.

She lets Jackie drag her to the bottom of the lake, their hands intertwined together the whole time. She sees her clear as day, can feel her too, she can feel how she traps Shauna in a hug as they drown further and further, getting away from the light. She can hear the baby laughing, and Jackie is smiling too. The baby laughs like her brother used to laugh when he was a baby. She’ll never see him again, but she’ll live with Jackie and their son at the bottom of the lake forever and that will be enough. 

Someone is calling her name, from her surface.

She ignores it at first.

Except her son is crying, and Jackie’s soft features turn into anger ‘ Get back here’ she demands as she pushes Shauna closer to herself, but something is pushing her back. No. She wants to stay here. No. They pull her back. She whispers sorry! To Jackie but she just glares at her coldly.

“I was about to release you from your suffering, you are fucked.”

No. No. No. No. I want to stay with you! Do not leave me!

Van and Tai are the ones who get her out of the lake, despite how much Shauna screams and kicks. She tries her best to get out of their grip and go back to Jackie and her baby, but she’s too weak for that. 

“They are waiting for me!” She tells them, trying to ignore her concerned looks. She is not crazy. Jackie was telling her she loved her. She needs to get back there, but all she can do is babble an explanation  “My baby is there! She is there too!

“Who?” Van asks her “Who is she?”

Shauna bites her lip so hard, avoiding their gaze. She can’t say Jackie because they will give her those pity looks she’s already receiving. Taissa knows, even without Shauna telling her, that’s why she kneels to meet her eye. Pulls her into a hug, and doesn’t let go until they are back with the others, who help her change into dry clothing and even get her an extra portion of the rations they got so far.

She hates how they take turns watching her at first — as if they are scared she is unstable. She isn’t fucking crazy. They try to speak to her, but it falls on deaf ears most of the time. They’ll leave, eventually, and they do. In the woods, there is no time for babysitting, everyone has to do their role eventually.

She prefers it that way, the girl always comes to visit her when she’s alone.

And she does, while Shauna is butchering something that used to be a human. She doesn’t cry, doesn’t cover her eyes anymore. She doesn’t need to even look. Routine has hardened her heart.

And still…

And still, the girl shows up every time, a smile on her face.

“You’re hungry, Shauna.” 

“Well, yeah. It’s not like we can go to a restaurant.”

Like the ones she and Jackie would go to, she was a picky eater and scared of trying new things — but once she got her hands on new foreign food after a lot of convincing, she’d want to join as well.

“Well, obviously you are hungry.” The girl tells her, she is sitting on the table where Shauna usually does her job. She’s wearing a cute crop top that reveals her tanned arms “But as I said…” she extends her hand “Before those idiots…”

“Don’t call them that.” She scolds the girl “They are my friends.”

She extends her hand towards Shauna, and Shauna reaches for it. She can feel her hand, she knows it’s her hand. She’s been holding it since they were five years old and Jackie was trying to comfort a teared-eyed Shauna. An accident in practice separated Jackie’s hand from Shauna’s, but the truth is that it happened long before.

When she fucked Jeff.

“What I want…” she tells the girl, holding an ear. Her hand is shaking. The corpse of a former classmate staring wide at her. “I can’t have it.”

Jackie looks sympathetic.

“Go ahead, it’s only the two of us.”

It’s not who she wants.

It will have to do.

She puts the ear in her mouth.

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1998

Shauna feels wrong for staring.

She hasn’t had a nightmare per se — but she woke up earlier than usual. Perhaps it’s because she slept earlier yesterday when she ruined Jackie’s birthday (she insisted it wasn’t the case, but Shauna knew by the way she looked at her with concern, she always looks at her with concern these days) but she doesn’t feel like getting up exactly, so she’s just pretending to be asleep.

(Nightmares are the worst — all red and cold and something calling her back and she struggles to realize where she is and she doesn’t realize the person screaming it’s herself. It’s even worse when Jackie isn’t around because after a nightmare Jackie is the only one that can touch her without Shauna starting to blindly hit anything that tries to touch her.)

She woke up the moment Jackie left the bed, she tried her best to be silent, she always does, but Shauna can’t remember the last time she let herself oversleep. Even when she’s safe, she’s hyper-vigilant. You never know. And Shauna doesn’t want to be told sorry for waking you , she just…

She just wants to look.

Jackie dresses slightly differently now, choosing more comfortably over the chic outfits she used to wear the last time they saw each other. It isn’t rare for her to walk around the house in shorts and a T-shirt. Sometimes she’d use the clothes Shauna was familiar with, yeah, but that was if she had to go to her house, and would be quick to change into something more comfortable there. Even now, instead of a pajama or a gown, she often falls asleep in a tank top and shorts if it isn’t cold.

Jackie’s mother would probably say she dresses like a boy and perhaps that’s why she still performs it when she has to go to her house, but Shauna likes it, out of all the changes from the old, that is probably the one she likes the most, that’s why she likes to look at her. She’s not watching her change or anything, Shauna isn’t a pervert, but she is so beautiful and…

And gay.

She’s gay.

and there is no problem with that — Shauna would’ve been a hundred percent supportive if she had found out before. It doesn’t matter. Just because Jackie is gay it doesn’t mean that she likes…

Nevermind.

And even if that was possible, Jackie deserves someone who didn’t betray her or someone that she doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around. Someone who doesn’t disturb her or creep her out like Shauna does. Because Shauna knows it she does, even if Jackie pretends that’s not the case. Which annoys Shauna more, because she’d be more okay if Jackie was honest with it.

She doesn’t want to disturb Jackie, but she cannot tell her that the reason why she sometimes spends her nights staring at her instead of sleeping is because she’s scared she’ll wake up and she won’t be there. That it’s all a fucked up trick from Shauna’s mind. That she doesn’t trust that she can touch her, or hug her because sometimes even that isn’t enough to confirm something is there.

Would she stop visiting? Would her mom send her away? What would she say if Shauna asked her are you real?

Shauna isn’t sure, so she just looks at her.

“Morning.” Jackie smiles at her, and Shauna realizes that she’s been caught staring . Shame makes her hide her face in the pillow, Jackie runs her fingers through Shauna’s hair “Did I wake you?”

She’s a hallucination, a dream, a vision, Shauna can see her bare shoulders from the corner of her eye, grey leggings keeping her warm at night. One year and a half in the woods, in the violence. Jackie’s touch is like finding an oasis in the desert and not knowing if it’s real or not, but you are dying of thirst.

She never told her she loved her, before the accident, bitterness boiled in the stomach – friendship treated as a given.

I love you the girl used to whisper to her, wickedly, almost a mockery. Shauna took it, as she took every small ration she could get. 

I love you Jackie tells her, the first words Shauna understood she was saying at the hospital. Goodnight, I love you. Goodbye, I love you! Sometimes she wondered if she had to go through all that she did to hear it. It's going to sound ungrateful, but it’s not the I love you she wants to hear.

She didn’t have it when she deserved it, why is she saying it now?

“No.” She lies, she wouldn't have minded, Jackie lets her sleep too much. Jackie is sitting in the bed now, still caressing Shauna's hair. The words escape her before she can think of it “…I’m hungry.”

“Gotcha.” Jackie tells her, and Shauna silently curses when her hands leave her hair “Pancakes? Waffles? Eggs? Up to you.”

Foolish girl, isn’t she? The girl mocks her Shauna, tell her who you are hungry for.

“Don’t talk about her like that.” She whispers, but the voice is right.

Hunger is settled to her bones, unsatisfying quench. She enjoys the hugs, and the kisses on the forehead especially when she doesn’t feel that well, but those are appetizers to a main course that never comes. she wants to kiss those lips for hours, to kiss her neck. She wants the only person that can satisfy her.

Instead, she says.

“…Waffles are okay.”

Amsterdam, Netherlands 

2001

Jackie would never say Europe is perfect, even when she made most of her career there, even when she raised her kids mostly in the old continent. Europe was Shauna’s dream, going to the Museo del Prado in Madrid and the Louvre and to tell Jackie that the British stole all that shit, Jax. She told her once she wanted to go overseas, to go and see the Jewish roots of Andalusian Spain and even go to St. Peter Basilica.

(She goes to all those places eventually — Paris with Allison, Spain with her friends in London, war-torn Balkans with Kathy, Italy with Bianca, everywhere with the kids once they are old enough to follow her. She always ends up thinking of Shauna whenever she sees a landmark, and she mourns the girl who would’ve loved to learn of it.)

Jackie assumed they would go, eventually, because they did everything together. Life doesn’t work like that. Even if they still spoke to each other, Jackie would never tell Shauna to get into another plane willingly. 

But something it’s true about Europe: it was the first time she interacted with the gay community constantly.

“This is Jackie!” Her classmate said to her friends — all of different nationalities and ethnicities  “Her first time in Amsterdam pride!”

“Hello.” She greets shyly.

“Ah!” One of the girls said with — a thick German accent “American?”

“New Jersey”

“Oooooh!” The German one says “Smoke?”

Tobacco or weed? She does both at this point.

“Yeah. Danke.”

It is not that she was ashamed of being gay — her time in the closet was more about self-preservation than anything else, she eventually ended up accepting that part of herself. It’s just…

She loves her college friends, she really does, but all of them were super straight, and she didn’t click much the few times she went to the LGBT club. Telling her parents was out of the question, so never attempted it in town. She was too depressed missing Shauna when she was missing, and too heartbroken when they fought to celebrate pride. In Europe, she is so involved in the gay community that she wrote several books about it.

(Her first book is so fun – because it’s going to shitty bars with your situationship and just talking to people. She might have hooked up with a couple of them that weren’t that interested in the interview but they sure were interested in her and vice versa.)

All that is rooted in going to Amsterdam Pride in 2001 thanks to her friends' insistence that they had to have fun in the summer.

One of the most fun experiences in her entire life, drag shows, movies, parties, weed, and alcohol helped her get comfortable in the new setting. She sees the boat parade come from Habibi Ana. It’s the first country that legalized same-sex marriage, so there was a feeling of euphoria around that month. 

She meets her there, in Amsterdam. 

She’s Italian, with brown hair and brown eyes — Sicilian but from Greek heritage. Spoke English on top of French and Spanish. Says in a joking tone that she’s a traitor because she supports AC Milan instead of Palermo and tells her she’s gonna take her to the San Siro stadium one of these days. Inter merda, Juve merda she would say with a laugh United? No? Oh! Arsenal.

“Jackie, this one belongs to the streets!” One of the girls tells her before breaking into laughter.

“Don’t listen to them, Bella.” She tells her “I just have a big heart and I have plenty of love to give.”

“Oh, you are for the streets then.” Jackie grins “Well, it’s not that I was planning to meet the love of my life at a bar.”

“Rude. There are lots of love in your lives, that idea that there’s only one is bullshit, I think.”

“I disagree.” Jackie tells her — although not rudely “I know what true love is.”

“Oh! Do you have someone? I don’t go for taken women!”

“No, I had…I had true love in America, and I lost her.”

“Then it wasn’t true love.”

“It was.” Jackie insists, a bit annoyed.

“How can it be true love if you lost it?”

“I…I looked at something I shouldn’t have.” She confesses and then sighs. Takes a long drag of her cigarette  “But I know it was true love, because I didn’t need her to…return my feelings, all I wanted was to be with her, even as friends, but I lost all of it.” And then, there’s a question “Can someone be your true love, if they hate you?”

“Hate is a strong word, but I wouldn’t say hate cannot exist without love.” The Italian says, getting her another beer “But think about it — our hearts are made to love, to feel, if you have previous relationships before you marry, does it mean you didn’t love them? Stepping stones before you meet the love of your life? I don’t think love works that way.”

Jackie doesn’t agree — she never does, even when she resigned that Shauna never needed to see her again. She had girlfriends. Partners. People she loved even after she broke up, but there’s a difference in that kind of love. It’s not how she felt for Shauna. Even now, if she were to get a call saying I need you, let’s fix things she would take a plane back to the US.

But loving is also knowing how to move on, and she is trying to.

“I suppose that’s one way to look at it.”

“I’m a photographer. It’s my work to look at things for it to tell a story” She tells her smugly, holding her camera “And I especially enjoy taking pictures of beautiful sceneries, unforgettable moments, unforgettable people, if you will.”

“Ah.”

“What’s your name again?”

“Jackie.”

“Jackie, look at the camera please.”

She barely has time to react.

“Told you, beautiful scenery.”

New Jersey, 2021

The dinner was cool.

Callie’s grandma gave her and her brother gift cards of 30$ each to use on whatever they wanted. She wanted to give them a gift fitting to their tastes, but she thought they’d enjoy the money more. Her mom jokingly told her that she didn’t have to, but Mrs. Deb (it’s Deb to you, honey) insisted on it, and that she hoped they’d also come visit for Hannukah and Christmas and that they were very welcome at her home and she even hugged them goodbye.

Elisa thinks she saw her mother smile at the woman more than she’s ever seen her smile at her grandparents.

They are the last ones to leave the house – Callie’s uncle had to go see his girlfriend’s family as well, but they stayed a couple extra hours. Mom and Miss Shauna did argue a bit in the kitchen, but they stopped mid-argument when they arrived to get some drinks and because Deb was looking at Mom for something. They were talking in the garden later, though, so it seems that it wasn’t a big deal.

“We will most likely spend Hannukah there as well.” Mom tells them “Well – Deb trapped me into not saying no, but hopefully, Shauna and Callie won’t mind.” 

“Did you celebrate Hanukkah with them too?” 

“Oh my God, yeah, since I was six or something. Shauna taught me how to play with dreidels. I would plan my gifts with months of anticipation, and on the eighth night, I’d get her the big gift. I got her Pablo Honey vinyl once, she loved it.” Her mom couldn’t hold back the smile “She loved Bjork too, that type of music. I remember I told her once Live Through This was better than Nevermind …which is true! And she said to not speak to her.” Mom laughed “Vinyls were expensive, but she put the covers on her room for decoration, it was awesome.”

They arrive home – it’s smaller than Callie’s house, they’ve lived in apartments all their lives. Perhaps because it’s the common thing to do in London. Mom goes to her room to remove the makeup as soon as possible, while Elisa sits in the room with her brother, who is eager to break the elephant in the room.

“What do you think of Mrs. Shauna?” 

“...As a person? She seems okay.” Elisa answers “I don’t know how she feels about me, though.

“No worries, I’ll tell her to lay off my little sister.”

“And who are you to Mrs. Shauna?” 

“Her new best friend, I think she’s fond of me but doesn’t want to show favorites, you know?”

“She found you annoying, Michel.”

“Then why didn’t she tell me to fuck off?”

“She thought of it.” 

“Nah, she probably was thinking oh, what a thoughtful young man— ”

“What she might have thought is another different word.”

“What that may be, Elisa? Please tell me so I can tell our mother what you think her childhood friend thought of her son.” 

The truth is that for all his faults, her brother probably realized something was amiss because she was alone over there while they were playing cards and mom was with Callie’s grandma, and he went to check how she was feeling. She didn’t tell him to fuck off. Actually, he managed to successfully annoy her to the garden until Mom returned to make peace. 

“...Miss Shauna looks an awful lot like Bianca, doesn’t she?” 

Sure, their personalities were very different – Callie’s mother is very quiet, though it doesn’t sound like she was always that way from her mom’s memories of her. Callie says to not let her trick her, but so far, that’s her perception of her. Bianca was extroverted and funny and would always pick her in arms and call her Princess and defend them whenever mom tried to be strict. 

But they did have some similarities, she can see that.

“Not quite.” Her brother says “I think Bianca looked like Miss Shauna.” 

“How about Margie?”

“She looked like Bianca.”

“Oh.” 

Earlier that night

Shauna is doing just fine. 

Having Thanksgiving with people you were strained from for years it’s not certainly ideal – but it has not been entirely horrible. Shauna knows that if she keeps herself away from harming Ezekiel, then they can pretend to be normal in front of Mom long enough to keep her happy. His girlfriend seems alright, very nice. She either is a good pretender or she’s genuinely happy to finally meet her boyfriend’s family. It’s not like he lets her talk to her privately, or alone. She understands. 

And despite how overdressed Jackie is, she looks pretty, that green dress matches her eyes. Dark red lipstick, and if she was going to be honest with you, having her around was not terrible. Shauna could tell she was nervous with how overly polite she was with her, just as mom said she’d be, and she did not want to step into any topic that could cause friction (which are many) but while she clearly was happy to see Zeke and vice versa, she spent most of the time before the dinner keeping Shauna company.

(Their children are all next to each other on their phones – not even talking to each other except showing each other funny stuff and when Jackie asks them if they are having fun they all say yes. Shauna doesn’t get it either.) 

The point is that she is actually enjoying it to an extent – even that time when mom reminded her of when they snuck out to see Hole. It had been nostalgic, and fun. Not everything was bad when it came to Jackie…

A lot of it had been good. 

So, of course, it had to be ruined when it was time for dinner and the topic changed to talk about Jackie’s ex-girlfriend and how she charmed her way into her heart. Because of course, Jackie had ex-girlfriends, she was a very beautiful woman. Shauna doesn’t have any problems with it, okay? It’s understandable. If she was seeing someone right now, it would be understandable. 

“Well, we wanted different things, at the end.” Jackie says – and Shauna almost sympathizes with having to talk about her ex-girlfriend in Thanksgiving, but of course, then she has to say “But she was my first relationship, a key part of my life, so we did try to end it as positive as we could.” 

It’s not entirely incorrect – what Jackie and Shauna were in those few months before everything went to shit was not a relationship in the strict sense. Despite that, they lived together, slept in the same room, and occasionally kissed and they were pretty much exclusive. They never came up with a name for it, it just happened. It shouldn’t have, but it happened. 

It still stings that it didn’t count for Jackie, but whatever. She can let it pass. It was Shauna who said they were fucking nothing.

( ‘ Who the fuck were you talking to!?’ 

‘I talk to whoever the fuck I want! You said we were nothing!’)

“I like that.” Zeke’s girlfriend says “Very mature.”

“Well, you know how it can be with lesbian relationships – you want to marry in two months.” Jackie laughs “But I guess she did teach me that there’s no love that’s wasted, so I try to have good relationships with my exes.”

“Do you?” 

She cannot help but say it. 

Not when Jackie ruined whatever they had and left the fucking country to get away from Shauna. For all her talk about that she’d be with her no matter what, leaving for the UK was not a sight that she’d be near if needed. It’s all because of Jackie, when she thinks about it if she hadn’t read her journals, she wouldn’t have gotten so paranoid her brain pulled a fast one on her and ended up beating the shit out of her brother. 

If she hadn’t read her journals, she wouldn’t have left, and Shauna wouldn’t have spiraled so fucking hard that her mother had to grab her out of the place she was leaving. 

Jackie looks perplexed at the question – she can sense the eyes on them, but Shauna doesn’t care. Once she fully understands the question, she smiles, but clearly in a very passive-aggressive way. Refusing to never have the last word. 

“Perhaps not always, but yes, as long as I know what we are, I try to end it on good terms.” She deads the topic with a skill that Shauna would be impressed with if she wasn’t annoyed “Pass the bread, Michel.”

Wiskayok, New Jersey

1998

Shauna has been staring at her breakfast for five minutes.

Jackie is worried, there are times when she just disconnects, and she is supposed to leave in a couple of hours. She doesn’t know if it’s okay to ask, and hopes she doesn’t sound angry, but…

“You don’t want waffles? Because I can make something else…”

“No, it's fine,” Shauna tells her, taking a bite — for all that the rollercoaster of recovery has been, eating has never been a problem. Thankfully. “You should eat too, Jackie.”

“I’m on the way.” She promises, already putting the remaining waffles in the toaster. She puts a fried egg on Shauna’s plate  “But don’t wait for me, hon.”

It is not that Jackie skips meals on purpose, even if sometimes it is an iced tea until lunchtime. It’s just sometimes she forgets, especially in the morning, but ever since Shauna returned, Jackie makes sure that she follows the three meals she is supposed to get. Sometimes an extra one, if she feels like raiding the fridge. 

Shauna always held a concern about her eating habits — even before, she would be the one to remind her to eat sometimes before practice. That doesn’t seem like it has changed, even when she was not speaking, she’d break the bread in half and give a part to Jackie without saying a word if she overheard her saying no to Deb’s question if she had eaten.

It’s not that often that Shauna tells her that she wants or needs something — she’s always struggled with that. If Shauna tells her she’s hungry, then Jackie assumes she’s really hungry, but she hasn’t touched her food as much.

“Is something wrong?” She asks her, grabbing the syrup “Do you wanna eat something else? Cuz I can make it, I got time.”

“No, no. It’s fine.” Shauna reassures her, looking down at her plate again “I’m just…thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing, it’s just stupid.” She stares at her plate “But, um…you told me that you were gay.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I…I like both.” She whispers, not meeting Jackie in the eye “You…you told me, so I have to tell you.” 

Oh.

Well, it shouldn’t be too surprising. Shauna was a grunge gremlin before the crash. Grunge gremlins were always bisexual. Not a bad thing, never a bad thing. She wonders if she found out over there because if she had a crush on girls before, she wouldn’t sleep with Jeff would she?

Don’t get her wrong! She loves and cares for those girls, if they saved Shauna and Shauna saved them then Jackie is in eternal debt to them, but the idea of Shauna touching another girl that way…

It shouldn’t bother her, Jackie herself hasn’t done anything beyond occasional kissing.

But it does bother her a little bit if it happens. It’s not something she can ask, anyway. Guess she’ll never know.

But this is good, like — Jackie doesn’t mind being gay, at this stage of life, she was more about I’m gay but it doesn’t define me. But she does mind how intolerant people can be, even in college, guys she would usually think are cool (as friends) would say something so terrible like all she needs is some dick while touching their crotch when referring to someone that was obviously a lesbian that got in the way while making straight guy friends. 

(Not that she was in a hurry to have those.)

But she always knew Shauna would have her back with this — she always does, even as an ally, but since they are both gay (half gay? In Shauna’s case? Is that offensive?) it means they can have each other’s back no matter what. Like they always have.

“Thank you for telling me .” Jackie tells her, sitting next to her, reaching for her hand “So, any girls in your heart? Boys?”

“Course not, I barely leave the house.” Shauna says, getting the syrup back “Even if I did, I’m not…I’m not looking for anything right now.” 

“Well, if you ever get a boyfriend or girlfriend, they have to go through me first.” Jackie’s smile grows bigger as Shauna avoids her eyes, but there is a shy smile on her lips. Jackie tried to pinch her cheeks, but Shauna playfully pulled her hand away “Boy or girl, they have to be good enough for my best friend.”

Shauna looks at her without saying anything — but it’s not awkward like sometimes is, it’s…warm. Almost nostalgic. It almost feels like a return to how life was before the accident. 

Jackie is aware that just because Shauna likes both it doesn’t mean that…

Well, even if she did, Jackie wouldn’t want to force it. It would feel like taking advantage of her friend. Maybe later, once Shauna feels better.

“I got something for you,” Shauna says as they both finish eating. Doing the dishes before leaving. They ran out of orange juice, and she got to call Zeke and tell him to get more “It’s important.”

“Oh, a birthday present? You shouldn’t have.”

“Sort of.” Shauna answers, her fist closed, the mystery gift hidden in it “You gave me something before, and I’m returning the favor. It will…” her tone is serious, her brown eyes dark like a tunnel “It will protect you.”

It’s her first time getting in contact with the symbol.

She doesn’t know what it means back then — not now, she tries to ask Shauna what it is, but she goes silent when she tries to ask. She is insistent about Jackie taking it with her she doesn’t let it rest until Jackie wears it as a necklace, and it is just then that Shauna smiles.

But it is not a normal smile, nor the shy smile when they were playing around earlier. It’s something more eerie. It stays with her even when she picks up a taxi to the train station from New Jersey to Massachusetts.

To this day, she thinks it’s a coincidence.

Jackie is very skeptical, she doesn’t believe in the supernatural other than trying goofy stuff like saying Bloody Mary 3 times in the bathroom at a middle school party. She was skeptical back then. She is skeptical as an adult. Even when Lottie guesses the gender of her first child correctly, she holds the benefit of the doubt.

But what happens that day freezes her over.

She’s taking the train from Newark to Boston, headphones in her ears as she picks up her textbooks and starts reading. It’s almost 5 hours long, and she’ll arrive tired as shit, but the semester is almost over and she’ll be done with the back and forth until winter break. 

She eventually falls asleep and wakes up to screams and a harsh stop that almost makes her fall over. 

The words almost trainwreck aren’t something you see often, but you could see by the window how close they were to having a head-on coalition. It was seconds away from it. You could hear the panicking in everyone’s voices. Kids crying. Women fainting. They said it to be calm but how could they be when this shit almost happened? It wasn’t even the pilot's fault, it had been the other one. Their pilot had fainted shortly after stopping. 

Jackie’s hands are shaking – they stop at Connecticut, the company has the decency of paying her the hotel. She calls Deb to let her know that she’s okay – so Shauna doesn’t worry, she calls her parents, and she lets her friends know that she’ll be there tomorrow. 

It had been too close to death to comfort. 

She plays with her necklace, and she remembers Shauna’s words.

It will protect you.

Earlier that night

“May I help?” Jackie asks Shauna as she’s doing dishes, before she can be said no she insists “Please?”

“Sure.”

This was something that always caused her problems with Shauna: her refusal to tell her when something bothers her. Then she gets mad because Jackie acts like nothing is wrong, but if Shauna doesn’t tell her, how is she supposed to correct her behavior? Then something happens, it blows up, and Shauna tells Jackie about how horrible she is.

Regardless, she shouldn’t have reacted like that.

“I’m sorry if I made things uncomfortable at the dinner.” She tells her because it’s always her job to fix whatever little relationship they have. She swallows saliva. Resentment is not a good thing to feel in the holidays “I didn’t…I didn’t want to make it about myself.”

She didn’t want to spend 10 minutes talking about her ex – even if they were on decent terms. An ex is an ex. It just happened and she didn’t know how to dodge the topic. Regardless of the reasons why it ended (Bianca wanted a child but didn’t want to commit, and as heteronormative as it was, Jackie wanted a civil marriage at the very least) Bianca had been good to her, and to her children, she wasn’t something to be embarrassed of. 

“It’s fine.” Shauna insists “It’s a crazy coincidence that Zeke’s girlfriend works with your ex.” It is not — people in these industries need to know each other, especially if you are gay “I just think it’s interesting that you act like you didn’t know anyone gay before going to Europe, or that you didn’t have anyone until you met that ex of yours.” 

“…Is that the problem here?”

Yes, Taissa is a lesbian too — but even before the crash, they weren’t close friends. They are acquittances (an acquittance she respected deeply, but one nonetheless) and didn’t fully reconnect until they were moderately well-known in their careers. Natalie is bisexual, yes, but they didn’t begin talking until she drove her to emergency to the hospital because Elisabeth decided that it would be cool to be born two months early (Natalie might have been driving her with a suspended license, the least of her worries) and she doesn’t have much of a friendship with the others except keeping tabs on them.

So no, she really…

“There is no problem, all that I’m saying is even when nobody but us knows…”

“...It doesn’t count?”

“Oh, okay.”

“How is it going to count, Shauna?” Jackie asks her, putting the dried plate where it belongs “We never talked about it.”

Yes, she and Bianca fooled around most of their early 20s, it was an on-and-off thing. It didn’t become serious until they reunited and she had her family and Bia was slightly less carefree. She had children to be an example for, and while she never quit fun entirely, she wanted to teach them some stability in the emotional side of it.

But Bianca was clear with her, in her 20s, that she didn’t want anything serious. Jackie didn’t want anything serious with her back then either, they knew what they were. 

With Shauna…

You are so scared of me being your girlfriend because if I was your girlfriend I would have to start demanding bare minimums such as —!

“Well, we didn’t talk about that stuff  because you didn’t want to.”

This is dangerous territory.

Very, very dangerous. 

Leaving Deb’s house yelling at each other dangerous.

“Yes, Shauna, because every time I tried to talk to you as an adult you didn’t evade it.”

“Wow. Thanks for the confirmation that you treated me like a baby.”

“I didn’t say that? Like those words never left my mouth? I say one thing and you twist it to something completely different…”

Shauna shuts her up with a look and points out discretely to their right. Their daughters are there — God knows when they started being there. Standing in between the living room and the kitchen. 

“Oh. Hi, darlings.” Jackie says with a smile — whatever she is with Shauna, she shouldn’t take it on her child. Callie is without fault “Did you need something?”

“My bubba is looking for you, Miss Jackie.”

“Oh darling, Jackie is just alright.” She shoots another glare at Shauna. And then proceeds to leave.

The dishes are done, after all.

10 minutes later

They were eight years old, her mom had been divorced for a couple of months already, and Shauna managed to dodge the questions about why her dad wasn’t at home very well at first. He was now going to be the CEO of Hello Kitty and give her free stuff. Eight — no, seven-year-old Jackie gasped and said that was amazing and that she was so lucky.

(Jackie is seven because her birthday is in November, she’s always younger than Shauna for a couple of months. Jackie is 16 when Shauna is 17 and gets on the plane. Jackie is 18 to Shauna is 19 when they reunite.)

Shauna doesn’t know why she lied. Seven-year-old Jackie knew what a divorce was, but in her words it was, it was when mom and dad don’t love each other anymore. And Shauna didn’t understand why her parents didn’t love each other anymore. She thought babies brought joy, and her little brother was still a baby, did she do something wrong?

Well, of course not. Her dad is just a cheating bastard, but she didn’t know that yet.

She comes clear to a McDonald's party they both got invited to, but seeing the birthday girl has both her parents being happy and laughing reminds her she hasn’t seen her dad in months. He doesn’t even call. So she was crying in the McDonald’s playground, and Jackie found her Shauna was scared Jackie was going to leave too because she lied. She remembers she had her hair in pigtails that day, but she felt bad about lying, so she said it was okay if she didn’t wanna be friends anymore.

Instead, 7-year-old Jackie hugged her and promised her that even if she didn’t see her dad. She still had her mom, the baby, and Jackie. And that they were going to always be together, they’d be at each other’s weddings, and their husbands would be friends and their daughters would be friends as they are.

“And what if you have a boy and I have a girl?” Shauna asked, teary-eyed.

“Then we’ll make them date and give us grandbabies  ” Jackie promised, and Shauna smiled too.

That memory can’t help but surface when Shauna hears Callie laugh with Jackie’s kids. Not that would’ve even worked since that boy likes dick.

“Hey.” Jackie’s son greets her, coming into the kitchen. Speaking of the King of Rome “…those plates are clean.”

“I know.” Shauna rolls her eyes, she almost escalates into a discussion with Jackie. She doesn’t want to deal with her junior “Coming to get some drinks?”

“Yup. The girls want some soda and we are playing Jenga.” That explains the sound of something falling. Shauna gives him silent permission to open the fridge to grab some sodas. She thought he was going to leave, but instead, he stood next to her. Like his mother did a couple of minutes ago. She hopes he isn’t going to annoy her, she already had a problem with Jackie, and she doesn’t want to deal with Jackie Jr. “May I ask what your intentions are with my mother?”

— what?

“…I’m sorry?”

“Well, you were looking at her when she wasn’t looking.”

“No, I wasn’t.” And perhaps she did, but she isn’t telling him that “What do you mean intentions?”

“Well, you looked upset when we mentioned Bianca…”

“I wasn’t.” 

Jackie is within her rights to date anyone she wants even if it’s some pretentious Italian she fucked for a while. She isn’t fucking her now but even if she was Shauna would not have a problem with that, who is Jackie to Shauna these days, and vice versa, for that to affect each other? 

He’s just misreading the room — just like his mom.

“You sure?”

“Yes, I am sure.”

“You look tense.”

He is just like Jackie.

Meaning this is about to piss her off.

“Because my friend who I do not talk to, for reasons that are none of your concern, was invited to Thanksgiving dinner and her son is bombarding me with questions about entirely made-up situations.”

“Intentions don’t mean a negative connotation, I was just asking.” He says, faking offense. Some silence, that doesn’t last long enough “Also, I’m her son, it is partially my concern.” 

“I promise you.” Shauna tells him as she goes into the fridge and grabs some ice to add to the soda and puts it on his hand  “That I’m no one to your mother, and I’ve been through enough to not be scared of an inquisitive gay boy. You don’t need to do the questioning.” 

“If my mom spent 30 minutes choosing an outfit, it’s not for No One, Mrs. Shauna.” 

This kid isn’t leaving, is he?

“How old are you, kid?”

“I have a name.” 

“Answer the question.”

“Just turned 18.” 

Ah fuck it, Jackie was already drinking under the table by the time they were 15.

She passes him a beer.

Deb calls her privately because she has a late birthday present for her.

An old Whiskey, a bourbon. Those are hard to get. Jackie isn’t much of a drinker — she hates things that make her lose control. Except when she was younger and was an excuse to cling to Shauna. Yet she drinks from time to time, and she can tell this drink is pricey. She cannot refuse it, but wishes Deb hadn’t spent money on her.

“Nonsense.” The older woman tells her “I haven’t seen you in a while, a present is the minimum I can get you.”

“The present was being invited to the dinner.” Jackie tells her with a smile “Thank you for inviting us.”

“No, thank you. Even if it was a short time, you managed to bring my family into one place.” Deb smiles sadly “I do not get to see Zeke and Shauna under one roof often these days.”

Oh.

Right, they left 30 minutes after the dinner because they had to go to Sarah’s family — a little bit of a stretch, but this isn’t Jackie’s family anymore, she shouldn’t question it. 

Sarah was a nice woman — nice enough to side with Jackie when they were embarrassing Zeke about stories of the past. She was much like Jackie in the sense that she had been an only child growing up (except with good parents) and she had always wished to have older siblings. Zeke had said that it wasn’t fun to be these two’s servants and Jackie had said well, servants actually do what they are told and they began reminiscing about how he was trying to be a fucking cop trying to snitch on them just to always be locked in his room while Jackie and Shauna went anywhere they wanted and Jackie had laughed at the memory.

Shauna had left the living room to do dishes upon the conversation started without making much noise. Only Jackie noticed right away.

That’s right, Jackie hadn’t gone to the dishes because she wanted to argue, she wanted to check on her and clear things out. That didn’t go very well.

God, she has to apologize.

“Shauna told me they don’t talk.” And then adds “Sarah told me that you didn't want him to go CalArts, but that his sister insisted he should go if he got accepted.”

“They don’t.” Deb corroborates “And yes, that’s true. His application to a Californian university…caught me by surprise. I didn’t want to tell him no, but you have children yourself Jackie, certainly you understand…”

“Deb, my son is four hours away and when I left him in Boston I was crying so hard my daughter had to tell me to relax.” Jackie interrupted with humor “I do understand.”

“Shauna was never the same after the crash, you know? Letting my youngest child alone in a plane after that…but Shauna insisted that he should go, people with dreams should follow them.” Deb sighs “She’s right, he’s done well for himself but…” she cuts herself “No, I’m sorry Jackie. I shouldn’t bother you with this.” 

It is not a problem, Jackie was ready to defend Shauna tonight if she heard a passive or ignorant comment on her behalf. She’s never liked it. Even when Shauna acted fucking crazy, to the point it scared people sometimes, God forbid you said it in front of her. 

“I would do anything for you, and your family,” Jackie tells her, seriously. She doesn’t forget. Deb was the first person Jackie came out to. The one that despite her grief she refused to let Jackie drown in it “As if long as it is within my capabilities.”

“If you mean it…”

“Of course I do.”

“Just stick around.” The older lady smiles, then adds in a humorous tone “Or you can leave your daughter here with us!”

“Ah, sadly I’m too attached to Elisa and I’m going to cry my eyes out when she goes to college! I would have to live here.” Jackie returns the smile. Sticking around, that should be easy enough, she doesn’t plan to move until her daughter graduates — that should be easy enough to keep “I can do that.”

1998

Boston, Massachusetts 

The end of the semester goes flying after they finish Thanksgiving. Despite constant skipping (she has a reason) she manages to get everything around a B or higher. 

They go out to celebrate in a steakhouse with drinks and hookah (because it was one of the first things Maryam hooked her up and it was the only time they didn’t argue) just the three of them. Maryam had managed to have an average of 75 in a class where the average was 50 and it was celebrated like it was a 100. She jumped into Jackie’s arms the moment she saw her, that’s how happy she was.

“I’m going with the family to Morocco.” Maryam tells them “My grandma lives there.”

“Do you speak French or Arabic?” Allison asks her

“More or less Arabic, less than more.” Maryam tells her “Good enough if I need to negotiate, fuck French. What are you doing?”

“Spending it at Connecticut, nothing too crazy.” She turns to see Jackie “You’re spending it with your friend, right?”

“Mhm.” Jackie answers, taking a sip of her beer “I’ve always spent it with them, even before the accident. Might drop to see my parents on Christmas, but that’s just because I am obligated to.”

“How is your friend doing?” 

“Shauna’s doing fine.” Not perfect, but she’s fine. She’s mostly there these days “I have to get her something for Hanukkah, but I’ll do that shopping when I get there.” She takes another puff “What do you bitches want for Christmas?”

“I want my orgo chem professor to fucking die.” 

“Something attainable, Maryam.” 

“I hate him so much, Jackie. I don’t wanna see him again, glad I fucking passed. My roommate told me she plans to switch majors if she doesn’t pass next semester.” Maryam whines “I don’t want nothing, you should focus on your friend’s Hannukah gifts.” 

Jackie had plans for winter break, she was going to sneak Shauna to New York (because nobody gives a shit who you are in New York) and they were gonna get her some new clothing since hers was still too lose and they would be back before Deb noticed, and Jackie had a game boy game to silence Zeke. She was going to get Shauna Bjork’s newish album, and it was time to pitch the idea.

do you wanna move in with me to Massachusetts? 

Not now, Shauna needs her mother more than ever — but maybe later? She doesn't want to leave Boston yet, except for maybe a bigger city, and maybe seeing Jackie on campus would inspire her to try college when she feels better. 

She doesn’t know how to bring Brown to her.

“My friend is really smart.” Jackie tells them “She got into Brown before it happened. Early admission.”

“Maybe they’ll make an exception for her.” Maryam says, ordering another round of cheese sticks “She didn’t exactly decline it because she didn’t want it. Considering the plane crash and how famous the Yellowjackets are, maybe they can make an exception?”

“Jackie.” 

“Yeah, Al?”

“I know that everything has been upwards with your friend, and I’m happy for you.” She tells her “But keep in mind that recovery has low points too.”

“No, yeah. I understand. I try to be as understanding as possible.” She tells her, snipping the last cheese stick off Maryam’s hands and grinning when she hears the word bitch! Directed at her “I think I’m getting a hang of it.”

The end of the semester ends with hugging her friends goodbye and promises that she’ll see them the next semester. She remembers the first winter break without them, she almost went insane. Holidays were meaningless without Shauna, and it was either hearing her mom’s criticisms or being miserable at Deb’s house. She always preferred the second. 

But ‘99 was going to be different, she had plans – and she had plans with her friends and was planning to integrate Shauna into her friend group, and if everything went well maybe to plan something on Spring break.

She didn’t know shit.

It all goes downhill in winter, she doesn’t know what triggers it. Perhaps a blocked memory or something. Perhaps it’s the nature of winter, which people associate with happy memories and time with family, she associated it with hot chocolate and marshmallows and gifts. It wouldn’t be the same in the winter, alone and starving, scared. 

(She thinks of Shauna staring blankly at frozen meat as Deb puts it in the fridge to do later. She would’ve had to do that, in winter.)

Jackie thinks she knows – everyone knows, about the cannibalism allegations, it doesn’t matter. It is horrible what happened to Shauna, and it probably happened in winter. Shauna has already said that she doesn’t want to talk about it, and Jackie is going to respect it until she changes her mind.

She finishes her exams early so she gets home earlier, with enough time to buy all the remaining gifts for Hannukah, a couple of journals because Shauna likes to write, sweets, and Bjork’s Homogenic in vinyl. She’s even in a good enough mood to go shopping for her parents if only because it means that other than an occasional visit, they’ll leave her alone. She takes a quick nap, and it is time to head to Shauna’s. 

She gets a call, it’s Deb.

“ Hi honey, are you at the house?”

“Not yet.” She answers, getting ready to leave again, and grabs her France jersey she bought for herself a couple of months ago. Zidane’s #10 with the World Cup star on it “But I’m on my way, why?”

“Shauna isn’t answering the phone.”

That is enough to set up all the alarms in her brain.

“Give me five minutes and I’m there to check on her.”

She hasn’t even finished changing clothes, but grabs the closest sandals she has and tries to call Shauna’s house. No response. She usually is awake at these hours, and even when asleep she tends to answer the phone these days.

…Did they forget to lock the door? Did she walk away?

She cannot finish that worrying thought because another thing came on top of it.

Someone entered the house. She heard the door creaking. 

Fuck.

Did she forget to lock the door? No, that can’t be it. She hasn’t forgotten since she was 11. She checks through the window, it’s not her parents. It’s just her car. Nothing seems too different.

There’s only one person who has a key to her house that’s not Jackie or her parents.

“Shauna?” She calls from her room, no answer, but once she opens the door she can feel extra steps around the house. She isn’t alone. It’s most likely Shauna, but she still grabs something (why is Jeff’s stupid bat here? Well, she’ll set it on fire after this) just in case it is not “Shauna. Are you here?” 

The door leading to the garden is open, so she heads there. There is nothing out of normal. She heads back. Something is watching her. She holds the bat tighter. 

“Shauna?” She repeats, both scared and partially irritated – if it’s Shauna and she has suddenly considered it funny to play a prank on Jackie “Shauna, is that y—” 

Someone pokes her shoulders, she drops the bat.

She can’t help but scream.

2021

“Is being in your mother’s room without permission a good idea?”

“Shut up Elisa and help me look.”

The other girl looks back at the door — as if fearing Callie’s mom or her mom would come suddenly. Then her tone changes more into annoyance “Why would your mom have her stuff be easily accessible after the Halloween fiasco?”

That is…a good point.

However, Callie will ignore it.

Because Elisa is a baby and doesn’t feel comfortable touching others' stuff ( it’s my mom's uniform, I wouldn’t touch your mom's uniform) she is keeping guard as Callie digs around. Unfortunately, she is right. Everything is locked up. There’s a safe box, and she does try to see if they can break into it (much to Elisa’s spiking anxiety) but they cannot. 

They do find Miss Jackie’s books though, they are hidden under the bed. Mom probably hid it to not give Miss Jackie the wrong idea that she found her research interesting ( ‘ Why would her research be a bad thing?’ ‘Shut up Elisa’) . They also find mom’s sex toys (several vibrators, some other things that they don’t even know what they are) that they cringe at finding.

“Ew, this is a bunch of lesbian erotica…” Elisa puts a bunch of books that Callie doesn’t recognize but by the cover, she can tell she’s right “Handcuffs…”  The girl says, grabbing them with her hands, the next sight surprises her “And a strap? Your mom is definitely into women and kinky stuff.”

“Ew.” She snatches the handcuffs and puts it back where it belongs — leave it to Shauna to never hide her shit properly and embarrass her in front of her friend “We will not talk about this ever again.”

“Okay.”

However, upon looking further, they find something more interesting and less gross. It’s Elisa who finds it as she goes through Miss Jackie’s books as if it’s the first time she reads them. 

“Don’t you have her books at home?”

“…why would my mom have her stuff on her house? She isn’t that narcissistic, although she can get a little crazy.” Her rant gets interrupted when she finds something within the book “Callie, check this out.”

It’s a necklace.

But it is not a family heirloom thing, not something particularly expensive or that they’d find at Claire’s. But it’s something a teenager would wear. Her mom isn’t big into jewelry like that.

But it’s just not a necklace, it was covered in napkins, and even though a little rusty. It has kept in good form. Someone — no, her mother, has protected this as if it were something precious. She most likely cared for this more than she cared for Callie. That stung.

“I had an ex-friend in London who was Christian.” Elisa tells her “His mom had a Bible and would use the rosary as a sort of bookmark. It reminds me of that.”

“When you get home, try to see if your mom even wore that necklace.”

“Oh…look!” Elisa says, hugging it “It’s Pikachu!”

…Why does her mom have a Pikachu plushie in her room?

“Elisa!” Miss Jackie says, they can hear her walking upstairs and fortunately they are quick enough to hide their snooping around  (Elisa still holding the Pikachu) and head back to Callie’s room when they pretend to look at their phones (not really pretending, but whatever) “…Wow, aren’t you two bored?”

“Nah,” Elisa says, not looking at her phone. Instead, she’s retweeting I got suspended, rt for mutuals “We’re chilling.”

“Yeah, we're cool.”

“Okay.” You can see Miss Jackie trying to understand a generational barrier in her face before giving up “Elisa, honey. We are about to leave.” She smiles at Callie, and it makes Callie smile back “Thank you for your hospitality, Callie. I hope to see you at my home soon?”

“Oh yeah.” Callie smiles. And it’s not even because she wants to snoop around, but because she thinks Miss Jackie is nice “I guess I should get Michel to say bye to him.”

“He can stay here.” 

“Get ready, hon.”

“I’m goinggggg.” Elisa whines, laying on Callie’s bed hiding  a Pikachu that she’s not supposed to have under her stomach “Five more minutes, Mom.”

There is something that might be nostalgic about them just laying on the bed and chilling because there’s something about Miss Jackie that just softens.

“Actually — I probably should go ahead and say bye to Shauna first. Elisa, get ready in a couple of minutes, okay?” 

“Kayyyy.”

Once she’s gone, Elisa finally releases the Pikachu that was hiding under her stomach and hugs it Callie snitches it from her grasp. Elisa hits her with a pillow.

“This Pikachu is different from the one I’ve seen on TV.” Callie notices “It's more…plump. I didn’t know my mom liked these things.”

“She doesn’t look like the kind that does.” Elisa agrees “I’ll see what I can find home.”

“If my mom and your mom can’t talk to each other but it’s only my mom who keeps fucking memorabilia…”

“Girl.” Elisa tells her very seriously “You don’t know my mom at all, she got entire albums dedicated to us. She’s got pictures of your mom.”

1998

There is dry blood all around Shauna.

From her shirt to her jeans, splashed through all her clothing, a knife in her hand. Not directed at Jackie, but glued to her hand. The blade points out to the floor. Her stare is distant, yet her eyes are focused on Jackie. She’s staying in front of her, taking a step forward when Jackie takes a step back.

Shauna moves normally, and Jackie isn’t an expert, but it means that the blood in her shirt isn’t hers.

“Are you okay?” She asks “H-How did you get here?”

“I walked.”

It’s a 30-minute walk.

“Did anyone see you?”

“I’m okay.” Shauna tells her, coming closer “I’m okay.” She echoes as if convincing herself.

Jackie isn’t good at getting everything together, she has to grab something at the time and hyper-focus on it. Otherwise, she struggles to work with something. Shauna mustn’t be injured. It’s also important to get that knife off her and get her off these clothes because she looks straight off a slasher movie.

“Let’s change your clothes.” She suggests, her hand shaking a bit, but extends it to her friend “Your mom is  worried, I need to call her.”

There’s almost no distance between them, Jackie’s back is against the wall, and Shauna is inches away from Jackie. Jackie wonders if Shauna learned how to feel fear like some animals do in the winter. Maybe she learned that to survive. She doesn’t fucking know.

“Jackie.” Shauna tells her, her voice neutral yet a little whiny “I’m hungry.”

“I’ll g-get you something to eat, honey, but first —“

Shauna presses her lips against hers.

It is not long, but it feels forever.

Desire triumphs over fear.

Jackie returns the kiss, and the knife gets dropped to the floor.

2021

Jackie’s son is soft-hearted.

Of course, he is — why wouldn’t Jackie Jr. not be soft-hearted? You could tell he grew up with a loving parent and accessible resources that came with his mom being an important person. Everything has to bend to his will and doesn’t accept a no for an answer, that’s why he refuses to accept Shauna’s attempts to push him away. He doesn’t know how to read a room.

But he’s not…

But he’s not a bad guy, and of course, he isn’t — because Jackie was not a bad person, for all that she was, that’s something Shauna could never call her.

So they are talking (he’s talking, Shauna pretends not to listen until she does) and he’s telling her about the whole debacle with the boyfriend and the best friend that she heard when she met Jackie at Whole Foods. At first, it was almost ironic, that they had the same taste in choosing shitty friends, except it wasn’t.

“I cut him off, fuck that faggot.” He says, drink on his hand “And fuck that other faggot too!”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“You gonna snitch on me?”

He’s not your son. Her brain reminds her, sobering. Then it’s irritating — it’s because it’s not her son that she can talk freely to him “No if you don’t tell your mom I gave you alcohol.”

“Free enough.” He shrugs “So, I found a cool boy at the party. He’s cute, a little snob, but you know how those Brown boys are. I think he’d treat me right and we are taking it casual but…” he shrugs “I don’t know how to trust people after what happened, I got my lick back in some way, but you know…it’s fucked up.”

Shauna never got Jackie to react to her betrayal.

She would’ve been entitled to — entitled to abandon Shauna at a hospital wing and never see her again, to cry and scream and to be told she deserved all that happened to it. Shauna was prepared for it. Her punishment. Except that’s a lie. She wasn’t. Even if deserved, it would’ve broken her.

She got visits to the hospital and phone calls and gifts, she got absolved — it didn’t make her feel any better. It was the opposite. 

“Obviously, I don’t think you should jump back to the first guy you see.” She tells him. I’m not your mom . She repeats herself, how is she going to advise the son of the person she pulled this very exact bullshit on “But isn’t you being happy another punishment for them?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…”

( “Taylor, is that a baby!?” Natalie asks, drink in her hand. Shocked. As if having a classmate having a kid was something foreign. They aren’t kids anymore.

“Oh, yeah.” Jackie smiles shyly, the baby in her arms with round cheeks and brown hair. Looking at them with curiosity. Jackie smiles at the small creature who smiles back “This is my son.”)

“I mean — that guy did that to hurt you, didn’t he? And you cannot hit him with your car, because that would make your mom upset.” She tells him, seriously, but the kid — Michel, whatever laughs “So I think that…if he ever cared about you, you trying to carry on with life ignoring them it’s something that’s gonna sting.” She takes another sip of her drink “Or maybe something happens and he gets stuck in the middle of nowhere, and his guilt eats him alive for 16 months.”

Oh shit.

He raises an eyebrow “…Should I ask?”

“No.”

“Okay.” He agrees he’s being oddly reasonable this time “Thanks for listening to me, Miss Shauna.”

Shauna rolls her eyes “I have known your mother longer than you have, Shauna is fine.” And then she continues “Don’t let that shit get you…that little…friend of yours knows he’s the one in the wrong.”

(‘You are scared!’ Jackie snaps, accusatory ‘You are scared! But not of what I know! You are scared because I —‘)

“Michel!” Jackie's voice interrupts the talk, she seems surprised to see them together. As if it’s unexpected. And maybe it was, considering that she went from wanting to strangle him to actually enjoying his company “I…it’s time to leave.”

She smiles at Shauna, almost apologetic.

“Gotcha. I’ll say my goodbyes.” He turns in Shauna’s direction, and the hug catches her so suddenly that she cannot hug back in time “Bye Shauna.”

“Bye k— Michel .”

Shauna didn’t know why, but somehow that made Jackie’s smile brighter, she gave her son a pat on the back as he walked past her.

There is distance between the both of them as if they stand in silence in the garden even if she extends her arm, she won’t touch her, and vice versa. One of them would have in theory reach out and touch the other if they really wanted to. Jackie lights up a cigarette, silently offering Shauna one, but she declines with her hand.

“I can’t believe you still have that stupid vice.” She can’t help but say “You know that shit gives you cancer, right?”

Jackie snorts Marlboro Menthol in her mouth “I know. I am on a break. I don’t do it as much as I used to.” Then there’s silence “Hopefully, one day I’ll quit.”

“I thought you were leaving.”

“I am.” Jackie tells her “After this smoke.” Silence again, she resumes talking “I worded what I meant badly in the kitchen, I’m sorry.”

“I know what you meant.” Shauna answers, hands in her pockets. She supposes she should be brought it privately, not in the middle of dinner “I read your book about queer refugees who arrive in Western Europe. You talk about yourself in the introduction of the 10th edition.”

Jackie drops the cigarette in surprise, she even sounds a little embarrassed. “You’ve read my books ?”

“Yeah. I mean — Some of them, they are engaging. Congratulations on the Pulitzer.”

She meant to tell her that in private — to actually ask someone you do not see in 20 years over their job instead of how many Europeans she fucked. Whatever she felt aside, it was almost rude to Jackie, even if she most likely didn’t feel it that way. It wasn’t…it wasn’t rude on purpose, but it still annoyed her, you know? Especially because she asked questions about her brother’s projects.

And as much as sometimes her brain tells her that she deserves that life, she is happy for her. As much as she could be.

“Thank you. Wow. That…that means a lot, it does.” Jackie sounds touched, and her eyes are soft “I…when I said we never talked about it, I was also referring to myself. I mean I…it wasn’t my priority back then, I had…other things to worry about.”

“Like your scarred beyond repair 19-year-old friend?” She snorts.

“Yes.”

It’s supposed to be a joke — a joke that perhaps only she would find funny. Jackie didn’t have to answer it with such sincerity.

Shauna can’t look at her when she does that.

“I didn’t go to the kitchen to fight or argue, I…I wanted to ask if you were okay.” Jackie tells her, and Shauna feels brave enough to look at her for more than five minutes. Her eyes were always sincere — even when she was doing something she shouldn’t “I didn’t want to imply that…that you didn’t count because you did.”

“I know.”

“You were very important to me. You always were. Beyond any romantic relationship.”

Shauna pretends that she doesn’t see Jackie’s hand reaching to hold Shauna’s arm. An attempt at comfort. Making peace after a fight. The hand waits in the air, waiting for implicit permission to continue. 

Shauna wants to give it, she does, but…

“I know.” That’s all she can offer her, at least for tonight “I’m okay.”

Jackie understands because the hand returns to her pocket.

“It’s time to go — though you are probably relieved everyone is going to their homes.” Jackie adds, an attempt at light-hearted humor “I did want to ask you about yourself but…I didn’t want to make things awkward at dinner, so maybe…one day when you’re not busy. We can go to get coffee or something.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Your mom is probably going to make me say yes to Hanukkah, so um…I’ll see you around. Please take care, Shauna.”

“I will. You too, Jackie.”

Shauna escorts her back to her car because it would’ve been rude otherwise. She snatches the keys immediately as the daughter gets back in the car after being released from the hug from Shauna’s mother.

Jackie looks back one more time and smiles at Shauna before getting in the car.

And Shauna wishes she could’ve given her the permission she wanted to give.

(“Is this a mouse?” Shauna asks, voice hoarse. Talking regularly feels strange — she only does it when Jackie or her mom are around. Jackie had left the hospital for an hour yesterday because she said they had a gift for Shauna and it was a yellow plush with red cheeks. It has to be a mouse. Because it’s not a puppy or a bunny or something that is commonly a stuffed animal.

“It’s a rat.” Zeke corrects. Jackie glares at him “It’s a rat that uses electricity.”

“It’s Pikachu .” Jackie corrects, placing the plush on Shauna’s arms “And it’s like…the mascot of this Pokemon show, it’s really cute. It’s about this boy who goes on adventures with it and it’s other friends.”

“It doesn’t look like a rat.” She insists.

“It’s not a…forget it.” Jackie sits next to her, tucking her hair. She places her hand on the rat's (Pikachu’s?) head “He’ll keep you company when I’m not here, that way, you don’t have to sleep alone.”

He’s going to protect her.

Like the necklace.

Shauna holds to it to dear life when visiting hours at the hospital end and they have to leave, and it is comforting because it reminds her of Jackie. She holds to dear life when Jackie leaves for good, too.)

She doesn’t know how she got here.

She had been at home a moment ago, but something had been calling her. It said that it would give her who she wanted, as long as she did the sacrifice, and somehow she was now at Jackie’s house. In her bathroom. Her first time here; since she returned.

It’s when Jackie is guiding her to her room that she realizes.

There’s blood in her hands, and everywhere.

She doesn’t remember where or whose.

She remembers something — something about a train that almost crashed, and it told her it wanted something in exchange for nothing happening to Jackie. Then everything was blurry, it felt like walking in the air as if it was a dream. It’s distressing, she doesn’t know what she did, and even though she held her hand and guided her to her room, she could tell Jackie didn’t know either. 

And she —

And she kissed her. 

“Sorry.” She says, or at least, she thinks that’s her. 

Jackie smiles – it is a little false, clearly done so Shauna doesn’t freak out “It’s okay. I’ll…I’ll wash it, you take a shower.”

“I don’t know why I came here.” She tells her – it doesn’t sound like it’s her, but it must be “Do you know?” 

She’s wearing a bathrobe with a tower on top, sitting on Jackie’s bed. Her friend has her back turned on her for a second, picking up Shauna’s bloody clothes. She turns around to see Shauna, almost as if pondering the question. 

“Well…I don’t…I don’t know why you are…” Bloody is left unsaid, but she uses her free hand to signal that’s what she means “But maybe…maybe you…needed help and you came to…meet me?”

Oh.

Yeah, that makes sense. 

The hot water brings her back to reality – Jackie’s room hasn’t changed much, the toothbrush she had from two years ago is still there, but Jackie’s has changed. She puts the water as hot as it can be. Hot as hell, that’s how she likes it. She spends 30 minutes in the shower, dove soap, and moisturizer. She tries her best to wash the blood out of her hands, but it’s still there. 

No matter how much she washes or cleans herself. She cannot wash the blood. 

But the hot water inevitably runs cold, and that’s a signal to stop making the water bill go higher. Jackie leaves old clothes from the last time Shauna was here (two years ago) carefully folded on top of the bed. They still fit, and they are comfortable. She just sits on the bed, waiting for her friend. She doesn’t trust herself in not scaring her more than she already has. 

“They’re on the dryer.” She lets her know “I…I told your mom you were here, and that you were safe.”

“Are you going to tell?” Shauna asks, brown eyes focusing on Jackie “About…anything?” 

“...No.” Jackie shakes her head “Not if…not if you don’t want me to.” She looks like she wants to say anything else, but the sound of the dryer stops her halfway. She checks on Shauna’s clothes “Fuck, you can still see it.” 

“It will never clean.” Shauna tells her, the words coming out without her wanting to – it feels her mouth is moving, but she doesn’t recognize her words “Blood that is spilled can never be washed away.”

Jackie just stares at her, unsure of what to say – Shauna thinks she’s almost scared. It feels like a punch in the stomach. 

But after a moment of silence, she puts the clothes on the washing machine again.

2021

One day later

“Mom? You called?”

“Yes. Come here. I want to show you something.”

Elisa enters the room and sits next to her mom, eyebrows raised, probably wondering what was this small box her mom had in her lap. It had been selfish of Jackie, to keep this from her kids. She knows that with motherhood there is little, if none, that belongs only to herself, but she always felt that whatever memories she had from Shauna were something only to herself.

But there was something that tugged her heartstrings seeing her daughter with Callie comfortable with each other in the girls’ room last night. In a good way. Perhaps that’s why she decided to show her daughter what she was about to show her. 

Or maybe it was when they were doing their night routine, and Elisa said you must’ve been very close to Miss Shauna.

An understatement if there was one, but it’s okay, she doesn’t know.

She doesn’t share much about herself on purpose — she became a woman on her own in Boston and Europe. Barely pierced together, but a woman on her own nonetheless. Her younger self was too intertwined with Shauna. She couldn’t see any old pictures with happy memories without old wounds opening and feeling an incredible wave of sadness and regret about how she let her down.

But her kids deserve to know — they already know their grandparents are not the greatest, there were good things about her childhood  — and Shauna was the best thing from it.

“I have known Shauna since kindergarten,” Jackie tells her, opening the box. And her serious daughter lets a gasp when she sees the first picture: Shauna at Jackie’s 6th birthday party. Right next to her, with a little red hat on her “My mom didn’t let me have toys ‘for boys’ whatever that meant, she got me an Optimus Prime when everyone else got me Barbies. We would sometimes marry our Barbies or make them defeat Optimus Prime when he became evil.”

There is another picture of them slightly older in soccer uniforms. Jackie holding the trophy. She has an exact picture of her son that is just like this, funnily enough “This one was when we won a friendly football competition, though the day ended quite bittersweet when you are 8.”

“Why?”

“Her mom was busy, and her dad promised to come to the game…and so did my parents. Neither her dad nor mine showed up. Everyone else’s did though.”

Elisa blinks “That’s awful.”

Sure was, Deb couldn’t go because she was taking care of a sickly 3-year-old, and because no one came to pick them up, they walked together to Shauna’s house. Hand in hand. It was raining. A car splashed dirty water on Jackie’s uniform, and she couldn’t help but cry even when she was trying not to cry because Shauna was upset already and because she was crying Shauna was crying too. Man, it had sucked, there’s a reason she never misses her kid’s activities if she promises to go, but it was good to have someone that understood you.

And the day didn’t end so badly once Deb saw two children on her doorstep – she helped them take a bath and let them have ice cream for dinner, it had been her first sleepover there. 

They go through more pictures together, those vacations in Connecticut. That time in Rhode Island when Shauna was forced to spend time with her dad and her half-siblings and she brought Jackie around. They were always with one another. Except for one time, when they were 14 and Jackie was invited to something and Shauna wasn’t, and Shauna said it was okay to go. Except she got mad about it, so Jackie always invited her from then on.

Jackie didn’t understand why she didn’t just say she wanted to go when they were younger, but it was an understandable reaction looking back — she was a little girl acting like one.

“Do you have any pictures after the accident?” Her daughter asks “Not right away but — later?”

“No, she was…” Jackie sighs “She was very different, she didn’t like cameras or pictures. Understandable, the press was a bitch.” Another pang of sorrow hits her “She was so smart, Elisa. Straight A+ student. Honors roll. She got Brown early admission, and I wish…”

She wishes she had told Jackie.

Because Jackie would’ve probably panicked mentally that Shauna was going to leave her behind, but she always knew her friend was to great things. She would’ve been happy for her.

And maybe she would’ve ended up at Mass anyway, with less baggage and less guilt. She always felt that at the end of their friendship, Shauna resented Boston. Always made Jackie feel uncomfortable about mentioning that she wanted to go back and that she missed her friends. It’s as if she felt Boston took Jackie away.

As if she didn’t lose her friend to the fucking woods .

“Hey, mom.” Elisa grabs another picture, and there is a ugh that Jackie can’t hold back “Is this your beard?”

No, the few beards she had were mostly divas in private and ten times the men Jeff Sadecki is.

Ah fuck, might as well.

“That’s Callie’s dad.”

“What?”

Oh man, this is going to be worse than the husband talk. 

“Don’t tell your brother but —”

Couple days later

“Callie. Come here dear.”

“Coming, Bubba!”

Bubba's room is more known to her than her mom's — it’s the smallest room in the house, but it’s very comfy. She’s sitting on her bed with photo albums on the table. Callie sits next to her. 

“Do not tell your mom I’m showing you this.” She tells her “She doesn’t know I still got some of these, I had to hide it from her.”

“I won’t!” She says, and an awwww escapes her as she sees a boy badly dressed as Batman for Halloween “Is that my uncle!?”

“He was always a superhero for Halloween.” Bubba snorted, a nostalgic look in her eyes “Shauna once wanted to be Apollo and Artemis and he said he didn’t want to do boring stuff like that and she should grab Jackie for that stuff. Here’s a picture of his first day at school, look at your mom.”

It’s very weird seeing your parents young — Callie understands that her mom was once seven, ten, and sixteen — just like Callie was, but it’s so weird seeing her mom smile brightly at the camera while holding her little brother’s hand.

“He was always getting bossed by Shauna and Jackie when he was little, those two always teamed up against him.” Bubba says, her smile nostalgic “Look at your mom winning the Bee Spelling contest! She was so happy that day. Awwww.” Bubba stops at a picture of two 8-year-old girls with Santa hats “Look at Shauna and Jackie, Jackie always found the camera and Shauna looked wherever she told her to look. Sometimes, her parents couldn’t come to events, so she’d be extra happy whenever she spotted me.”

“Miss Jackie is in a lot of these pictures.”

“She was in more but there was a time after they fought that Shauna didn’t want to see anything related to her, this is all I could save.” Bubba explains, and then adds “I do not doubt that she has some stuff of hers under that safe, though.”

Even if she was in the background, or at mom’s side, you could see them growing together. Elisa’s mom used to be girly, and super chic. There’s a picture where she can see the necklace she found in Mom’s room that confirms it. It belonged to Jackie and her mom is keeping it for whatever reason.

“My mom smiled a lot.” Callie points out, that in itself is more of a shock. Her mom had a shyer smile, but she seemed like a semi-adjusted person “This is before the accident?”

“Yeah.” Her grandma looks sad “Shauna clung a lot to Jackie, the first months, even more than she did before…when they stopped being friends…that was tough for her. Jackie put distance between the family and herself. Assuming that Shauna would need us more — which was correct, but I still checked on her from time to time.” 

“Why did Mom and Jackie stop being friends?”

“I don’t know.” Bubba sentences “But whatever Jackie did, turned your mom super paranoid. She’d lock her door with a key and would ask you weird questions. She never fully trusted again, I had to pull her out of that depression, so we moved.” A deep breath and continues “I love Jackie. I always saw her as my third child, and now she has her own family that I got to know thanks to you two.” 

“Oh, okay. So it means it’s cool if we keep going to parties together?” 

“I didn’t say that!” Bubba tells her playfully, wrapping her into a hug “Look what Jackie got me in the early 00s, never showed it to your mom.” 

It is a picture of a baby with brown hair and green eyes. Oh — wow is that Michel ? That speaks more than words. Jackie really appreciated her bubba. She takes a picture of Jackie with the necklace and sends it to Elisa.

“I just thought you’d appreciate the context of why I invited them to Thanksgiving.” Bubba smiles “And I told Jackie to get me some pictures of her kids so I can have them here.”

Then, she pulls out a red album, and Callie can identify her childish handwriting on it.

“And this one is for you only,” Bubba says “A privilege for my only grandchild.”

Callie can’t help but smile at the pictures of her as a baby. She got a lot of pictures alone. Some with her mom and Bubba. Some with her uncle. A few ones with Dad…

Then her phone rings.

It’s Elisa, a text message.

ur dad is my moms ex boyfriend????

1998

Jackie isn’t a stranger to covering for Shauna.

They’ve been friends forever, and always had each other’s backs. They are each other’s alibi. There’s a reason why Deb was the first person she called once Shauna didn’t answer the phone. Whenever Shauna was, Jackie was never too far from her.

And yet, this is a new territory for her.

The fucking blood isn’t washing off completely.

She put it in the washing machine 2 times, an extra one at Shauna’s place. It is still there. Jackie thinks she might have to burn it. Shauna seems upset at the suggestion and Jackie snaps at her telling her that you got an entire wardrobe, get it together.

Shauna glared at her as she held onto Pikachu tighter. Jackie felt bad five minutes later, she apologized immediately. She isn’t mad — she is just nervous. 

There’s no news of a disappearance — which means it’s animal blood, most likely. Hopefully. She still burns them. Can’t risk it. She doesn’t know how to deal with this, and she doesn’t exactly like not knowing how to handle things. She doesn’t even know how to handle that Shauna kissed her.

It’s not that she minded , the opposite. 

But in hindsight, she wouldn’t have done that. It had been wrong. Especially when your friend is vulnerable but…

(But hindsight is also knowing that rejecting her, as gentle as it could’ve been — and it wouldn’t have been a full rejection — it would’ve made things worse between them.)

But she doesn’t know how to bring it up — she wasn’t all there when it happened. Does it count ? Would Shauna be upset if Jackie apologized? Are they just not going to talk about it? They got the entire winter break, she supposed. 

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“So this — rat?”

Okay — that made Jackie laugh “I told you it isn’t a rat! Rats are ugly. Pikachu is yellow and cute.”

Shauna smiles shyly “Okay, whatever — so, kids like this?”

“Yeah,” Jackie says, there’s an episode playing on the small TV in Shauna’s room. Jackie has seen this one when they meet Squirtle. She also saw the Butterfree leaving Ash, that one made her cry. The Charmander one made her cry too  “The kids I babysat watched it, so I began watching with them sometimes. It’s cute. Unless you want to watch something else?”

“No, it’s fine.” Shauna agrees, resting her head on Jackie’s lap “Don’t feel like watching anything in particular.”

There’s a silence within them, other than Ash and his adventures as background music. Jackie begins caressing her by instinct. Shauna’s eyes are semi-closed, but Jackie can hear her.

“It’s because I did something horrible that happened to me. We deserved to be there.” It’s something soul-crushing to say, and Jackie feels horrible that she was snappy earlier “Thank you for being nice to me.” She whispers.

And Jackie then remembers her priorities.

Fuck — who gives a shit what the blood was, even if she’s fucked up, even if she killed something or someone. she’s still her friend. She needs Jackie.

Abandoning her was never an option.

“I don’t care what you did, it was a plane accident, Shauna. It was no one’s fault.” Shauna doesn’t meet her eyes — it is clear, she doesn’t believe that “I’m…I’m your friend, Shauna. No matter what, I’m always by your side.”

Jackie doesn’t know the depths she’s getting into, not yet . Winter will put things in perspective for the first time. She hates not knowing how to deal with stuff, but for Shauna, she would be willing to try. She owed her that.

As long as they are best friends, they can handle anything.

“My friend.” Shauna echoes, finally opening her eyes, her pupils focused on Jackie “My best friend.”

There was something about her look and her tone that wasn’t correct. There was blind adoration in her tone and her look — you’d think it was directed to Jackie, there’s no one but them in the room. Yet it feels that it should be redirected to something divine, instead of her.

“Jackie,” Shauna mutters and the mention of her name is enough to confirm that look and that fondness towards her. Shauna extends a hand to touch her face “Jackie.”

Jackie wished that at some point she had been brave enough to ask her what do you see when you see me?

Instead, she kisses the palm of her hand.

The adoring look just grows fonder.

2021

Callie has learned a lot since Thanksgiving.

First, her dad dated Elisa’s very lesbian mom before he dated Shauna. Elisa’s mom and Callie’s were very close friends — an extra member of the family. The logistics that go from that to Callie’s existence are fucked up to think about. 

Fuck. 

Like, her dad could’ve been Elisa’s dad.

Of course, when she tells her that. Elisa says respect my mother . Lots of talk for someone who has no dad. I have a biological father, everyone does. The other girl remarks, getting back to her book because she needs to study. 

Right.

Callie doesn’t do bad at school by any means — but she isn’t a Straight A+ student like Elisa is. Fuck, they were in one group project and she was moving like a dictator and even threatened to pull the useless guy off the group project if he didn’t give his part by 11:00 pm because she had to edit it. Callie had to convince her otherwise.

Not because she thought leaving away someone who didn’t do shit was wrong but when you are new, you have to learn these social situations, you know? Even if Callie regretted it five minutes later because what he sent to the Google docs was straight garbage.

(And to be fair — when a girl told her she’d get her part late because the girl’s mom was in the hospital, Elisa told her to not worry. So she isn’t entirely heartless in the academics area.)

It’s not like she can talk in-depth about everything regarding their moms because she is been integrating into the sports team so they want her to join in lunches and desserts and shit. Elisa told her she didn’t like the sport — or any, but since her mother and brother both did soccer, she had to do something different. And she is a good enough point guard that the psycho that teaches PE (who also is the coach of the basketball team) will yell at Callie but call Elisa sweetheart.

Favoritism is sick.

And to be fair she kinda feels like a loser right now – none of the after-school activities sound particularly interesting, but ever since she broke up with that idiot (not that she liked him that much anyway) her free time has extended. Ilana is in Arts and Crafts and Elisa is in basketball. It just sucks that she doesn’t have a set hobby. It doesn’t help Shauna told her to get a part-time job if she was so bored in that dismissive tone she always uses. Callie dared her to treat her like that when Jackie and her kids came for Hannukah and Shauna glared at her and went to work without saying goodbye.

Thanks Bubba for the ammo, and she has applied for jobs, by the way. Her mom is so annoying.

That’s the second thing she learned about her mom — that she was madly in love with her friend’s mother. To the embarrassing point of how Shauna softens whenever Jackie is around. She seemed almost mad that people asked Jackie about her ex instead of, you know. Her work. 

But she could have done that herself? And Jackie would have probably answered. That’s the third thing she learned: both of them are incredibly talented at beating around the bush. It’s actually kind of awkward, as Elisa pointed out over text. The few times Elisa has gone to her home post-Thanksgiving (grandma already loves her as if she’s her long lost grandchild and is always asking her Elisabeth, darling, have you eaten?) her mom has refused to drive her to Jackie’s, and Jackie only enters the home if Shauna isn’t there.

They aren’t going to do anything, which means they must do something.

“Yo.” Elisa greets, and Callie waves back “Sorry for airing. I have been busy. I became important with the team and it’s ruining my life.”

“Tends to happen.” Callie dismisses “You’re off early today.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Listen up, because the next part of our plan is coming. We need to catch up for real.”

And they did.

After they went to get Boba tea, then they focused on the topic at hand.

“My mom had your dad as boyfriend to survive high school, but she hated his ass.” Elisa says, pulling no punches “Your dad cheated on my mom with your mom.”

Okay.

That is.

Very fucked up — what the fuck?

“But.” Elisa interrupts “My mom tells me she doesn’t feel any bad feelings towards your mom and to not tell anybody. From what I caught, my mom found out after the accident, so she didn’t get a chance to be mad.” Elisa sips on her Thai tea “She told me to be nice to your mom if I see her.”

“If you fucked my boyfriend I would set a curse on your children.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not my mom, then.” Elisa rolls her eyes “I don’t have interest in your ugly boyfriends, or girlfriends, if you ever had one.”

She is going to slap this bitch – this is the second time she suggests she might be…

Anyway, back to the point.

Their mothers go incredibly back, Callie’s mother did the friendship equivalent of 9/11, and yet for what she caught from Bubba’s talk. Elisa’s mom stuck around for a few years until something happened within them that destroyed their friendship.

Their mothers never dated, and Bubba seems to think they had something as teenagers that never moved forward. Elisa’s mother didn’t date anybody until she was in Europe — conveniently away from Callie’s mom.

Time for the next step.

“It’s time for cross-examination.” Callie tells her friend “Then, we’ll go to the final stage of our plan.”

“Which is…?”

“Our moms are going to get together.” Callie tells her “Whenever they like it or not.”