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Aphmau had felt love her entire life. She liked to think that, at least. She imagined that before her arrival in the forests near Phenix Drop, that before her memories left her, she knew of a warm, loving home, of parents and maybe siblings, of friends.
When Garroth took her in, when Donna helped her settle, when Visher taught her lessons she would remember her entire life, she felt loved. Even when Zenix was suspicious of her, even when Emmalyn turned up her nose whenever she would enter the room and even when Logan would throw criticism at her left and right, she still felt loved.
When Levin was placed at her doorstep, when she rescued her puppies, when she took in Malachi, she felt that love overflow and pour over them. She wanted to protect them, to shield them from all the evil in the world. Yes, Aphmau knew love, however, that didn't stop her from hiding her more intimate feelings.
When she first met Garroth, she was intimidated by him. A tall and strong fighter with a preference for always wearing his steel armor, whose skills with the blade had surpassed anyone that Aphmau had seen during her stay in Phenix Drop. But then, she saw how kind and gentle he was, with not only her, but the entirety of the village, even when it was frustrating, even when it saddened him. Aphmau grew to admire his resilience, his intelligence and admittedly, when she first saw his face, his handsomeness. Even before she became lord, he had protected her fiercely, like he did everyone else. Then, when she took on the responsibility over the village, he had become her loyal personal guard. He trained with her, improving her abilities beyond the muscle memory she didn't know the origins of, he helped her, when she couldn't think of a solution. He stood by her side, giving her his trust. It was logical to her that she loved him.
When she realized just how much she did, it scared her. Love was able to be weaponized by those who were their enemies. Even Zenix, when he abandoned them, used the villagers love for each other and Garroths love towards him to hurt them even more. She couldn't show her love, without that fear lingering in her mind. That one day, Garroth would die and it would all be her fault.
When she met Laurance, a beautiful, charming guy who admittedly sounded too boastful for his own good, she didn't think too much of him. But as the two traveled to find Cadenza, as they bickered and helped one another. As Laurance wormed his way into her heart, she started to pull away just as swiftly. She felt as though she was betraying her love for Garroth, even thought for a moment that she was lying to herself about the intensity of her feelings. Perhaps what she was feeling was nothing more than friendship and admiration. Yet the two felt as familiar as the rising sun and just as warm.
Laurance was kind and loving and admittedly funny when she let herself get swept up in the moment. He was charismatic and handsome, strong-willed, loyal almost to a fault. She hoped his promises of sacrifice wouldn’t amount to anything but then, he gave himself up for her. When he returned, blinded and traumatized, he told her he loved her, no matter how much pain it brought him.
And that’s when she knew that, no matter what happened, she would love them. She’d fallen so deep that now she couldn’t imagine a world without their light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it killed her.
She was done hiding.