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How can I brave this storm, when I just burn them trying to keep warm?
It’s all I’ve been told, I’m heavy to hold.
It was hard for Steve to believe that he could ever be loved in the way that he wanted. It was his fault. After all, he was simply too heavy to hold. Even before all of the trauma that came with the Upside Down, before the nightmares and the torture and the demobat bites, he was unlovable then. He thinks he was born unlovable.
You see, his parents never truly had the time for him. He would watch as his friends’ parents would make the time for their children. How they would come home from work tired, exhausted even, and still make the effort to envelop their child in a warm embrace. How their friends seemed to believe it when their parents said they were the best thing to happen to them; how they even said that to their child at all. Steve’s parents had never even subtly implied he was more than a burden, both on their time and their finances.
Perhaps if times had been different, Steve could have been let go by the Harringtons, placed with a family that truly loved him. But that life wasn’t meant for Steve, and it was his fault.
He was an emotional child. Too emotional. He had needs and wants that he couldn’t satiate on his own and he saw the grimaces that earned him from his parents, and then, from his romantic partners once he entered his teenage years.
“You’re bullshit.”
If Nancy hadn’t said it, then his parents would have. Steve thinks maybe they did, and he blocked it out in a misguided attempt to protect himself, to imagine that he was wanted in some small way.
Bullshit.
It’s what Steve tells himself every time his heart gets away from him. He reminds himself of it now, while Eddie crosses his arms and frowns at him in that same way. He takes a step backwards, tries to soften the blow of the impending breakup somehow. He knows it’ll crush him; he knows it’s inevitable. Still, he doesn’t want it to come. Selfishly, he wants Eddie to stay. He wants someone to stay.
I’m hard to love, there’s no denying.
If you’ve had enough, thanks for trying.
He’s not sure what started this particular fight any more. He just knows it’s one too many. One more time that Steve’s personality has pushed someone he loves away. It happens in the same way each time. Too many times.
Steve braces himself for the end, not sure how he’ll survive this one. The love he feels for Eddie has been totally unrivalled by any other loves in his life. He suspects that he didn’t truly know what love truly felt like until he felt it with Eddie.
He’s surprised when strong arms wrap around him, holding him tight. They only squeeze tighter when he gasps, a sharp inhale that feels suspiciously close to tears. He thinks a few might have already spilled out, but he can’t be sure, can’t raise his hands to his cheek to check, Eddie’s holding him too tight.
“Why…?” Steve manages to breathe out.
“I can see you getting spooked, baby,” Eddie whispers, not breaking the fragile air around them. He doesn’t even speak loud enough to crack it. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“But…”
“But nothing,” Eddie interrupts him. “This isn’t like before. This isn’t bullshit.”
Steve isn’t sure when he told Eddie about the intricacies of his fight with Nancy, but he must have, or else Robin got herself involved. He wouldn’t be surprised.
Hearing Eddie negate his worst fears makes the tears fall in earnest; Steve buries his head in his boyfriend’s chest and lets them come, while Eddie rubs soothing circles on his back, with promises of “I love you,” and “I’m right here.”
His breathing evens out eventually, and Eddie reminds him once again that he’s stuck with him for life.
Steve can only hope that it’s true.