Work Text:
1.
I wish I had known
How easy it is to start.
It's easy;
Too easy.
All it takes is one weak moment,
One failed internal fight,
One misjudged night at home alone.
That's all it took for me.
2.
I wish I had known
How dark the blood would be.
Maybe then there would have
Been something down to catch it
Instead of letting it flow free.
Flow in rivets down my skin,
A red lake forming next to the torn flesh.
But somehow, that never occurred to me.
3.
I wish I had known
How hard it'd be to sleep,
After you do it,
When your sheets are stained with blood.
That blemish sits there taunting you,
Calling you weak.
But somehow you still want more.
Or at least that's how it was for me.
4.
I wish I had known
How painful it was to have those marks.
You walk normal when suddenly
Something brushes against it.
Pain explodes,
But you can't show it
Or they'll know.
I think I hated that part most.
5.
I wish I had known
How misleading warnings of self harm are.
If people were told
They didn't need a blade to harm,
The truth of what they were doing,
The nails along flesh, the biting of your tongue,
Might have been recognized as self harm sooner.
I know it would have for me.
6.
I wish I had known
How embarrassing it would be
To fumble for excuses
When asked about the marks.
How you have to keep track of who you've told what
And make sure the accounts don't clash
Least they become suspicious
But stories have always been easy for me.
7.
I wish I had known
How long it takes for scars to form.
Until they do,
It's far too simple to make it worse.
An "itch" along this cut,
A fingernail "scratch" around that scab,
And the blood is dripping again.
It got to the point, I didn't know I was doing it.
8.
I wish I had known
How triggering scars could be.
When they first start to form,
You're mad because you made that mark appear.
But when they fade,
That hurts too.
Where's the proof of the pain you payed?
Both triggered more self harm for me.
9.
I wish I had known
How difficult it'd be to dress,
When the weather shifted drastically.
When the marks first formed,
They were covered in pants and long sleeves.
But then came summer,
And the expectation of shorter clothes.
But who wants to let the world see their battles? Not me.
10.
I wish I had known
How alone it makes you feel,
When your skin shows the map of your pain.
The fake sympathy,
The well meaning suggestions,
The jokes they throw that just don't make you laugh,
As they try to piece together "why?"
Those hurt me almost as much as I hurt myself.
11.
I wish I had known
How you start to analyze everything
For its potential to add to your pain.
How you get glad when the chance is high.
Because, is it really self harm,
If you "accidentally" get cut,
Or your hand gets "unintentionally" smashed?
I was so convinced the answer was no.
12.
I wish I had known
How little they trust you
When they find out.
If you're gone for more than a few minutes,
They start demanding to know what you're doing.
All your blades disappear,
Because they think that'll stop it.
But that didn't fully stop me.
13.
I wish I had known
How nearly impossible it is to stop.
You'll be doing good and then,
Out of nowhere,
The urges come again.
You'll wish to tear your skin, until the blood flows.
Self harm is a pit of quicksand,
And I wish I had never stepped into it.