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A night passed
Then another
And then another
And then suddenly, it had been a week.
Then it was two.
Two weeks since Miri had left their lives, as abruptly as she had entered. Two weeks since they woke up from the dream that had been the past year. Rei couldn’t even bring himself to say goodbye to her when the time came, and just watched silently as Miri walked out of their lives forever.
Her absence in the apartment was glaring. What was once bright was now dark, what was once warm was now cold, what was once cheerful was now solemn. Rei never thought silence could be so loud. Even Kazuki, who had been a constant source of light in Rei’s life since the day they met, was shrouded in a shadow of grief and regret. Rei wanted to reach out. He wanted to make Kazuki somehow feel better. But Rei himself was also drowning in all of it, and he knew no matter what he said or did, it wouldn’t make a difference in the long run anyway.
This was their life, it always had been, and always would be.
That fact was confirmed for Rei when, on day 16, he received a message from the boss.
“Car will arrive at 0700 tomorrow morning”
It was a short, to the point message, but it was one Rei had been dreading since his meeting with his father on his birthday. He didn’t want to go back, even if the apartment felt empty and desolate without Miri, it was still better than going back. Needing some air, Rei wordlessly got up from the couch and walked out to the patio, leaving Kazuki behind in the dark living room watching something Rei hadn’t been paying attention to.
He stared out at the city lights reflecting off of the river that ran below their building. Rei would miss this view. He ran a finger over the smooth leaves of one of his plants, thinking about how it would probably wither away to dust without him there. Just like everything else, nothing good in Rei’s life could last.
His head was swimming with a plethora of emotions he couldn’t explain, but they all hurt . Not like the sharp edge of a knife or the searing impact of a gunshot, it was like something had taken root deep inside him, igniting every nerve with a profound and overwhelming sadness. Rei knew it wouldn’t work, but in a last ditch effort to make himself feel a little better, he shook a cigarette out of the box in his pocket and put it to his lips. The taste of tobacco was bitter on his tongue as his shaking hands struggled to strike a spark.
“Can’t remember the last time I saw you light up a cigarette…” Kazuki leaned against the railing next to him, looking up at the stars.
“You told me not to smoke around Miri.” Rei reminded him, putting the cigarette back in his pocket. Smoking used to help keep him calm when the reality of his life started to get too overwhelming, but he hadn’t felt the need to smoke in almost a year. It was one of the many things that changed for him with Miri came along
“Did I? Huh. I totally forgot…” Kazuki said, mostly to himself. The only sound between them was that of the city below. “It’s so quiet without Miri here…only your games break the silence” Kazuki let out the most joyless laugh Rei had ever heard from him.
“Your cooking’s taken a nosedive too…”
“Hey! If you don’t like it you’re welcome to order takeout” He retorted.
“Be happy too.” Rei genuinely didn’t mean it as an insult, more as an observation. He never wanted to force Kazuki to cook, he had never even asked him to in the first place. After a few months of living together though, Rei had figured out that for Kazuki, cooking was his equivalent of his video games. It was a way for him to cope, to forget reality for a little while.
“Do you think she’s eating alright? At her mom’s?” Rei began absentmindedly toying with his lighter, mostly as a way to keep his hands from trembling.
“I’m sure everything’s going fine.” Kazuki assured him, sounding certain in his words. Rei glanced at him, the moonlight reflecting off his golden hair and burgundy eyes. Even though Kazuki was undoubtedly in pain, he was still trying to comfort Rei. He really was something else.
And Kazuki was right. Miri was okay. And that was their one solace these past couple weeks. Her safety was worth everything to Rei.
And so was Kazuki’s.
“I’m going back to my father’s.” He could feel Kazuki’s eyes on him as he stared down into the water below them.
“When?”
“…After the New Year.” Maybe it was selfish, but Rei still couldn’t bring himself to tell Kazuki that this was their last night together. He couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye, so he lied so that he could also pretend they had more time.
“Yeah. I guess since Miri’s gone there’s no point in us staying together huh?” Kazuki tried to sound nonchalant, but he couldn’t hide the bitterness in his voice.
“It’s what my father ordered me to do”
Rei wanted to scream that there were a million reasons to stay together: So that Kazuki could teach Rei how to cook more recipes, so that Kazuki could practice Morio Kart and finally beat Rei. So that they could keep doing jobs together and watch each other’s backs. So that they could run errands together and eat together and fall asleep on the couch together and fold laundry together and do all the other mundane things Rei had come to enjoy.
But he couldn’t do that, and Kazuki had every right to hate him for it.
“You can have the apartment after I leave…Do whatever you want with it.” Rei said instead, hoping that the gesture would at least show Kazuki that he still cared about him. That he was sorry. After a moment, Kazuki let out the breath he was holding and started heading back inside.
“Thanks. But, I’ll probably find a smaller place. I wouldn’t know what to do with all this space if it was just me.” He stopped at the sliding glass door, turning halfway towards Rei and looking at the ground between them. “It’s funny, I know I had a life before Miri but…I honestly can’t remember what it was like.” He said with a sad smile.
For Rei, it was the opposite. He had only been surviving up until he left his childhood home. It was Kazuki and Miri who showed him how to live, how to feel, how to be a person. Really, Rei owed his entire life to the two of them.
“Kazuki.” He looked up just in time to see Rei toss his lighter up in the air. He caught it, gazing at it for a second before looking back up. Rei met his eyes for a brief moment as he walked back into the apartment. In that second, Rei hoped the silent communication the two had developed out of years of trust would convey all that his words failed to.
That night, Rei didn’t sleep. How could he? He laid curled up in the tub, playing a game on his phone and watching as the hours ticked by until the sun set on his life. Part of him wanted to just say screw the whole thing, burst into Kazuki’s room and confess how deeply he loved him and attempt to flee. But Rei knew better than anyone how relentless his father was. Not only would it put Kazuki in danger, but he would likely also go after Miri and hold her as hostage, so that was absolutely out of the question.
As the time approached Rei silently made his way to his bedroom, which had always just been a glorified closet for his clothes and equipment. He donned the suit that he would wear every day from here on out and tied his hair back, trying not to think about how he would never feel Kazuki’s fingers combing through his hair ever again.
Rei’s plan was to simply slip out without saying anything, but Kazuki was laying on the couch when he padded down the stairs. The only light in the room came from the sky outside the window, turning gray with the first light of the morning. Rei felt a lump forming in his throat when Kazuki sat up at the sound of his footsteps.
“Why are you up?” Rei asked, the tightness in his chest growing painful.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Kazuki stood and crossed over to where Rei was. The way he looked at him told Rei that he knew exactly where he was going, but he wouldn’t ask, and Rei wouldn’t tell. Instead he wordlessly wrapped his arms around Rei and pulled him into a hug.
Rei closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of home one last time as Kazuki’s warmth seeped into his heart.
All too soon, Rei’s phone vibrated. He didn’t need to take it out to know it meant that the car was there. “Stay safe. Yeah?” Kazuki whispered at the feeling of Rei pulling away.
“You too…” Rei said into his chest. Knowing he had made his father wait long enough, he reluctantly pried himself off of Kazuki. Shoulders slumped in defeat, he silently made his way to the door, all too aware of Kazuki’s eyes watching him as Rei walked out of the life they shared.
——-
As soon as Rei stormed out of the Boss’s office, he broke into a sprint.
“Come on Kazuki. Pick up.” Rei begged as the phone trilled in his ear. He began to fear the worst until Kazuki answered between the second and third ring.
“Hey stranger.” He said fondly.
“Kazuki?! Where are you?!”
“On my way back from Kyu’s. Oh…about dinner—“
“Kazuki! Get to Miri now! Please hurry! Rei heard Kazuki’s breath catch in his throat over the line as he realized what was going on.
“ Shit” Kazuki whispered before hanging up. Rei burst through the front doors of the mansion. Without thinking or caring about the consequences anymore, Rei opened the door and yanked the security guard behind the wheel out of the car that had picked him up, taking his place in the driver’s seat. As he peeled away, Rei took his knife out and drove it into the radio, destroying the tracking device he knew was hidden in all of the Suwa family’s cars.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Rei thought that if he came back to the organization willingly, then the boss would have no reason to go after Kazuki and Miri. He thought that he would be able to keep them safe, but now Rei knew that there was no way to make that happen, and his father wouldn’t stop until Kazuki and Miri were permanently out of the picture.
They were in danger, and it was all his fault.
When he reached the highway, he slammed his foot on the gas, weaving in and out of traffic. He tried his best to put the thoughts of what could be happening to Kazuki and Miri out of his head and focused on not crashing the car. It usually took at least an hour and a half to get back to the city, but Rei made the drive in about 45 minutes.
He checked the apartment first, but saw no signs of a struggle and no indication that Kazuki had been there recently. Rei paced back and forth, wracking his brain for other places they might be. The thought of saying goodbye to Kazuki that morning kept popping into his head. Rei had accepted the fact that he would never see Kazuki or Miri again, but not under these circumstances, not like this. If anything happened to them—
No, Rei couldn’t think like that, he had to focus. He had to find them. He swallowed the feeling of panic that had been bubbling up in his chest and walked into Miri’s room.
He had been purposefully avoiding entering the room ever since Miri left, unable to deal with the memories it brought up, but now he scoured every inch of it, looking for something with Misaki’s address. Finally, he found a half empty box of Miri’s toys with an address scrawled across it in Kazuki’s big, boxy handwriting. Less than a minute later Rei was out the door again.
When he approached the apartment, it was surrounded by police cars and ambulances. Even from a distance he could see yellow crime scene tape was stretched across the entrance to Misaki’s apartment. Rei felt despair clawing its way into his throat as he sat frozen staring at the building.
If Ogino has been here already then Miri… Rei began to hyperventilate, he had never felt so powerless as he helplessly watched the police come and go from the apartment. He was wallowing so deep in despair that he almost didn’t register his phone vibrating in his pocket. Kyutaro had sent him a message.
KM Rendezvous here: followed immediately by an address that Rei didn’t recognize. Dangerous hope made its way into Rei’s heart as he sped off into the night, leaving the flashing red and blue lights of the crime scene behind him.
It took him longer than he would have liked to get there. As he drove down the dark and winding country roads, he was grateful that Kazuki had insisted on showing him how to use the navigation app on his phone. Without it, there was no way he would have found the house on his own. It took several turns down one lane dirt roads, and was concealed by trees almost until Rei drove into the driveway. He recognized Kyutaro’s blue sedan parked outside, and lights were on inside the house.
Wasting no more time, he sprinted up the stairs and practically punched the front door. Kyu opened it, and Rei immediately pushed past him into the living room. “Where is she?!” Kazuki gestured weakly to the couch. Relief washed over Rei when his eyes fell to Miri’s sleeping form. “Thank goodness” He breathed, leaning over the back of the couch.
“She’s fine…but her mother...” Kyu trailed off. Rei thought back to the police cars and ambulances swarming Misaki’s building and instantly understood.
“Did Miri see?”
“She didn’t” Kazuki spoke for the first time since Rei arrived. He looked up at him and noticed a ring of blood and a bullet sized hole in the shoulder of his orange sweater. “She slept right through the whole thing. As far as she knows her mom’s alive and well in the other room.” Rei’s vision began tunneling in on Miri, curled up and peacefully sleeping without a care in the world. None of them said anything for a while, all processing what had happened in the past couple hours.
“I apologize.” Kyu’s voice finally broke the heavy silence. Rei looked up at him inquisitively.
“What are you apologizing to us for?” Kazuki asked.
“A while back, I became aware that the boss was investigating Rei, so I reached out to Miri’s mother and told her everything.” Kyu admitted. “I was just trying to help. I thought that if Miri was out of the picture, the boss would be satisfied…clearly I underestimated him. This is all my fault.”
“No…” Rei said quietly, looking back down at her. “I took so much from Miri. Her mother and father are both gone because of me.” Neither Kyu or Kazuki denied his claim. They didn’t need to. Rei knew this whole situation was his fault.
“She’ll need something to eat when she wakes up, and so will you. I’ll get to work.” Kyu slipped out of the room, leaving Kazuki and Rei alone watching over Miri. Rei wanted to say something…say anything, but no words would come out.
“Need some air.” Kazuki mumbled, making his way to the sliding glass door of the patio without meeting Rei’s eyes. Rei watched as he leaned against the railing, looking out into the dark silhouettes of the trees. He took a deep breath before following him outside. Still not wanting to take his eyes off Miri, Rei leaned backwards and continued looking through the glass. Kazuki didn’t acknowledge the fact that Rei had followed him.
“What are we gonna do now?” Rei asked softly.
“We’re gonna fake Miri’s death, be really careful, and eliminate any traces of her existence” Kazuki said with conviction. “After that, we’ll place her in an orphanage somewhere far away…We’re gonna make sure no one can get to her ever again. Then, we’re gonna stay out of her life forever.” Rei looked up at Kazuki in shock.
“You and I have already given our lives to the underworld. There’s no way we can protect Miri, and we damn well can’t make her happy.” Kazuki gripped the railing tighter, gritting his teeth as he said the words. Rei turned back to look in the window, to the sleeping little girl he had unexpectedly come to love more than anything.
“I…I want to take care of her.” He said softly.
“Be serious, Rei. That’s a fantasy and you know it. What can you even do?”
“I couldn’t do anything before. I was useless.” Rei admitted. “I never really even tried. I refused to face reality and ran away. I was a breathing statue and barely felt anything. I used to be okay with that…” He looked down at his hand, remembering the way Miri’s little palm felt against his own, remembering when Kazuki grabbed the whisk from him to show him how to properly mix French toast batter, remembering the feeling of his PlayStation controller in his hands and the sound of Miri and Kazuki’s laughter as they played games together. “But now…I know better. I know that people’s hands feel warm. I know how good home can feel. How happy-“
“SHUT UP!” Kazuki interrupted Rei by grabbing the collar of his shirt and roughly yanking him forward. If it was anyone else, their arm would have been broken in an instant, but not Kazuki, never Kazuki.
“What good is it to leave Miri alone? To take both of her parents from her and walk away without making up for what we did?”
“Listen to me. Miri isn’t safe with us around!” Kazuki’s voice was starting to tremble with the tears Rei knew he was trying to hold back.
“You’re wrong!” It’s our responsibility to protect her.” Rei had never been more sure of anything in his life as he placed his hand on top of Kazuki’s, which was still gripping the front of his shirt. “You’re smart right? So figure out a way we can help Miri. You’re the brains of this operation remember? So think!” He was very aware of how loud his voice was in the otherwise silent night, but he didn’t care. He needed Kazuki to hear him, to listen.
“I believe we can change. We can make her happy and give her the life she deserves.” Kazuki’s grip on his shirt loosened as his eyes got wide with an emotion Rei couldn’t identify. Rei squeezed his hand, heart pounding in his ears as he waited for Kazuki to say something.
“Mama?” They both jumped when Miri’s little voice broke the silence. Both of them rushed back inside. “Papa Kazuki? Papa Rei? What are you two doing here? What is this place? Where’s mama?” Miri asked, struggling to keep her eyes open as she looked around.
“Miri…” Once again Rei was at a loss for words. Luckily, Kazuki stepped in, easily scooping her up in his arms and putting on a calm smile for her.
“Your Mama needed to go and take care of a few things, so you’ll be with us until she gets back.”
“And then we’ll all be together?”
“Uh huh.”
“Yay…” Miri mumbled, resting her head on Kazuki’s shoulder. Rei closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief when she started to snore again.
“We take turns tucking her in, and you’ll have to pull your weight taking her too and from daycare. Same goes for helping her brush her teeth after her bath.” Rei’s eyes snapped back open, unsure that he had heard Kazuki right. Kazuki continued to casually list off the ways Rei needed to help out around the house as he tucked Miri back into the couch. The longer he talked, the more Rei felt himself smiling.
“Look Rei, if this is really that important to you, you’re gonna have to respect the house rules.” For the first time in weeks, Kazuki’s smile reached his eyes.
“Okay…” Rei said, more than happy to oblige if it meant going back to normal. “So…game time?”
“One hour a day.”
“No fair!” He protested, mostly as a joke. Rei would give up video games forever if it meant staying together. Kazuki laughed fondly at his reaction. God Rei missed that laugh.
Rei’s feet moved on their own, guiding him into throwing his arms around Kazuki’s neck and pulling him into a hug. Without missing a beat, Kazuki’s arms encircled his waist and hugged him back. It was like a breath of fresh air Rei desperately needed after almost drowning.
Though Rei never wanted to let go, Kazuki wincing in pain made him pull back. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Son of a bitch got me point blank. I should probably deal with this properly before it gets infected.” He sighed.
“Let me help.”
“You don’t have too.” Rei didn’t respond, and instead just grabbed Kazuki’s sleeve and tugged him towards the bathroom. It was a small room, the kind with just a toilet, sink, and a tiny shower. Kazuki sat down on the toilet lid as Rei rifled through the drawers looking for a first aid kit.
“I feel like we should ask Kyu before we go through his stuff.” Kazuki said as he watched Rei search. Rei just shrugged and pulled the red plastic case out from under the sink.
“Need help with your shirt?”
“Nah, I got it” Kazuki grabbed the bottom hem of his sweater with his good hand and pulled it off in one fluid motion. Rei crouched in front of him and began removing the gauze, which was already falling off. Relatively speaking, Kazuki’s wound wasn’t actually that bad. Based on where it was Rei doubted there would be any long term effects, other than a scar. Rei took off his suit jacket, rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt, and got to work.
Kazuki was quiet as Rei worked on him, other than the occasional grunt or hiss of pain. The joy that had flickered on his face when they decided to take care of Miri was still there, but was now being muddied by something darker that Rei couldn’t identify.
“Are you okay?” Rei asked once he finished cleaning the wound. He phrased the question intentionally vaguely so that if Kazuki didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him, he didn’t have to.
“I was just thinking about Miri’s mother…she…” Kazuki’s breath was shuddering as tears slipped down his cheeks. “She died in my arms Rei…”
“I’m sorry…” Rei didn’t know what else to say.
“How are we supposed to tell Miri? She’s gonna be heartbroken.”
“One thing at a time. Let’s focus on getting ourselves out of the organization first.”
“But if I had gotten there sooner maybe she would have-“
“Don’t.” Rei cut Kazuki off by placing both hands on his knees and squeezing gently. “You did everything you could…and Misaki was already dying.”
“She still didn’t deserve that…” Kazuki whispered.
“No she didn’t.” Rei brought a hand up to cup Kazuki’s cheek. “But it’s not your fault” Rei had never done this before, but it felt strangely natural to caress his face and softly brush the tears away with his thumb. Kazuki looked surprised for a moment before relaxing and leaning into Rei’s touch.
“When did you get so sweet?” Kazuki gave him a teary smile that made his heart clench.
“I’m just doing what you would do for me.” Rei said. The tips of his ears felt hot, but he found that he didn’t really care anymore. Kazuki put his hand on top of Rei’s and held it against his face. He began taking deep, measured breaths to calm himself down.
Once Kazuki’s crying had slowed to a sniffle, Rei turned his attention back to wrapping his arm. As he did, Kazuki let out a strained chuckle. “Why are you laughing?”
“I just realized, we match now,” Kazuki said, reaching out and brushing his fingertips over Rei’s left shoulder, feeling the raised and bumpy skin of Rei’s own scar under the fabric. The feeling gave Rei goosebumps. The scar was a reminder of one of his earliest jobs, one that he often still had nightmares about. Thinking about that job, it finally truly dawned on Rei how close he had been to not only losing Miri, but losing Kazuki as well. Rei finished wrapping Kazuki’s shoulder and offered him a hand to stand up, but neither of them moved to get further apart or leave the room.
“I’m sorry.” Rei mumbled, staring at the bandage he had just finished reapplying.
“Why are you sorry?”
“I didn’t want to leave you, but I thought if I did, you would be safe. I thought I could protect you from inside the organization. It’s my fault you got shot. It’s my fault Misaki died. All of this is because of me.”
“This isn’t your fault Rei-“
“Yes it is.” Rei cut him off, his voice sharper than he intended. He hoped Kazuki understood he was only angry at himself.
“Rei…I’m the one who brought Miri home…if this is anyone's fault it’s mine.” Rei shut his eyes tight, feeling the lump in his chest grow.
“Miri made it happen faster, but my father would have eventually gone after you regardless.” Rei began to feel tears stinging his eyes. “I-I should have told you to leave me be…but I was selfish and-
“Hey. Stop that” Kazuki grabbed Rei’s shoulders and crouched down a bit to meet his teary eyes. “I told you. I knew the risks of being in your life, I always have. But I would risk everything to be with the people I love.” Rei’s breath hitched as he processed Kazuki’s words.”
“You…love me?” He whispered.
“Well yeah” Kazuki chuckled before pulling Rei into a hug. “You and Miri are family to me, of course I love you.” He said softly.
Crying was something that his father had tried to beat out of Rei as a child, and now his body would never let more than a couple tears slip out for fear of punishment. Now though, it was like the floodgates had opened. Once Kazuki felt Rei’s breath start to hitch and the moisture of his tears hitting his bare chest, he pulled back and held Rei at an arm’s length.
“Are you okay!? I didn’t mean to freak you out…it’s okay if you don’t feel the same.” Rei shook his head aggressively, instinctively looking down at the ground even though there was no way to hide how hard he was crying.
“No…that’s not it” Rei was able to choke out between sobs. “I just…I…I…never thought…I’ve never been loved before…I never thought I would- ” This time, it was Kazuki’s turn to cup his cheek and wipe his tears away.
“You’re such a dummy sometimes, you know that?” Kazuki tilted his head up. Even though his face was obscured by tears, Rei could feel the kindness and concern in his gaze. “You’ve been loved for a long time because I’ve always loved you. Whether it’s as a friend or a partner or a lover or all of the above, I’m just happy to be with you.” Rei nodded and buried his face in the crook of Kazuki’s neck. Kazuki held him tight and together they cried, letting out all their joy, sorrow, fear and relief out in each other’s arms. Being loved was new and scary to Rei, but it also felt so, so good.
Eventually, the warmth of Kazuki’s skin on his cheek and the comforting scent of cinnamon and citrus calmed Rei down. “I love you too.” Rei whispered once he could speak again. He felt Kazuki hold on him tighten ever so slightly.
Rei had no idea how they were going to pull this off, but he knew that this love was worth fighting the organization for.