Work Text:
Some days I am her--
--the one they all see,
The one the world demands that I be.
On days like that,
Her steps are lighter,
Her voice is brighter,
And the world feels a little bit righter.
She is comfortable,
She is strong.
She is fine with all they call her
Because they're not wrong.
On those days
I want to wear makeup,
I take a little more care.
She wants to look nicer, to feel pretty.
She tends to get along with people a little more
And she's less obnoxious.
She cares.
I am her
And she is I.
But somedays that's not the case.
I turns to me,
and me is not she.
"Me' doesn't fit in the molds.
My breasts feel too heavy;
My thoughts not light enough.
The same words are used;
but none of them fit right.
Me isn't Nicole,
Isn't striving for physical beauty,
Isn't the same as she.
On my days with me
My thoughts turn to the sweats,
The comfier clothes,
The older t-shirts that belonged to my brother.
Because being me means
My cares couldn't be further from the social norms.
Me doesn't care for people
And people tend to somewhat hate me.
Me is neither here nor there
But they are everywhere.
My hatred turns to the makeup,
The expectations,
The demand that I conform.
It's not like I can drop me,
But 'me' doesn't fit
In any roles they are offered.
Nicole is wrong,
Girl is worse.
Boy has never described me,
Or any aspect of who I am.
It's hard to describe,
And have people understand that they is correct
And they'd rather be called something like Rowan, River, or Wynd.
Me Isn't she,
And she's not me.
Other times feel so similar,
But entirely different from me.
It's a little more distanced from me,
From she and I and us.
Sure xey are still part of my person,
But during those times,
My person is xe or xi.
The days filled with xem,
Get most often passed of as depression,
But are intresting to observe.
Despite the swearing Xi am fond of,
Logic follows xe.
Xi am smarter,
Take more care.
Xi still deal with depression,
But it's more second hand,
As if Xi am observing somebody else's life,
Rather than the life led by xe.
When Xi am in charge,
Looking at anything
Feels like peering through a thick dirty window.
You can see some,
hear just a little,
But you can't feel the feelings,
The emotions,
The entire scene.
It's like Xi am merely watching a play.
It's more peaceful most times.
Xi am still neither girl nor boy,
But not in the same way as me.
It's something different that comes over xe.
But there are days when
Her and me are so far away.
We're between them,
But reaching for one
Is impossible.
Our arms are spread
One stretched out to each,
Tied so tightly in place
That if we chose to grab one
They'd both slam into us.
She and me would fight
And we'd just watch.
What good is a fight
If nobody'll ever win?
We know them both,
And empathize with each.
Picking one to agree with more
Won't work for us.
It's too hard to choose
Between two things that define you.
We despise her,
And they give us such useful things.
But at the same time,
They are an awful person
And we'd rather be closer to her.
There is no middle,
Except
There has to be;
We reside there.
In the world where "girl" is right
But also somehow still wrong.
It's a strange feeling,
To feel so connected
And still not belong;
To feel so broken
And yet still be able to blend into the crowd.
Those days hit us the hardest.
She.
Me.
Xe.
We.
I am none of them.
None.
And yet....
I am all of them.
Every single one.
It changes day to day
Like sunsets and cloud patterns;
Similar enough to guess what it is,
But different enough to leave you confused.
Of course,
Maybe I'm wrong.
My family sure would think so.
To them black means the lack of reflected color,
White means the purest tint,
Girl means girl.
Things are what they are.
According to my family
"They" can't be a personal pronoun.
You can't filter between pronoun sets.
You merely can be what you are
And that's all you'll ever be.
In their eyes I am Nicole.
I am she.
They'll never believe Wynd exists;
That they are me.
They'll never meet Equinox
Which makes xe so sad.
They'll never see Ro
The way we do,
As neither but both.
"Fluid is for water, not you."
So I'll keep it inside.
All bundled up,
My secret to hide.
I'll keep being Nicole,
To keep everyone satisfied.
I won't introduce the others,
Even if at times their appearances are more frequent than Nicole's.
But if you ask me who I am
Xi'll merely shrug in our reply.
How can I answer?
I am Nicole.
She is real.
Wynd is me.
They exist and wish to feel valid.
Xi am Equinox.
Xi wish people could realise the difference between them and xe.
We are Rowan.
The merest glimpse of possibility made reality.
Because I am River.
She is River.
They are River.
Xey are River.
We are River.
Fluid.
Powerful.
All the same
But--
Entirely different.