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Kyle figured he wasn't required to exit out of all of his Dad’s tabs when he logged into the computer to play CoolMathGames with his two best friends and Cartman. Which, technically, he wasn’t required to, at all. But he should’ve.
At approximately 4:56pm, they saw the message. “Ay, is that your Dad’s discord, Kahl? Bet he’s cheating on your mom.” Cartman snickered, pointing to the text. Kyle ignored the chubby boy and instead squinted his eyes to see who it was that had DMed his father.
One Message: Colleen Ballinger
“Woah, dude, your Dad talks to Colleen Ballinger? Like that woman who dresses up as a dumbass character she called Miranda Sings and runs around farting?” Stan questioned, and Kyle slowly nodded. “I guess so.” He replied, before turning back to the game. “You should click on it, man. That girl is famous!” Kenny suggested. “Yeah, which means she’s out of your homeless little league, Kenny. So don’t even try.” Cartman responded, crossing his arms.
“He’s right though. Maybe we can be in one of her videos and get tons of money!” Stan added with a smile, looking at Kyle, pleading. Kyle sighed before clicking on the DM. “Fine, just for the money.” He mumbled.
“Uh, no! You said yes because Stan asked you to, Gaylord!”
“Be quiet, Cottage cheese thighs! Let’s just talk to this chick and get some cash.”
Kyle allowed his slightly pink cheeks to fade away at the comment as he checked the private messages between his Dad and Colleen. There were quite a couple things regarding his Dad editing some videos for Colleen’s YouTube blogs, and a few PayPal exchanges. Nothing too recent, though, until the new message that Colleen had just sent.
COLLEEN BALLINGER 4:56pm
Gerald, why the FUCK would you expose me like that with Adam, Becky, and the others? I’ve been paying you well! There was absolutely no reason to post that on YouTube!
“Woah, your Dad exposed her? For what?” Kenny questioned, thinking to himself. “I don’t know. Let’s go check it out.” Kyle responded, opening another tab and typing youtube.com into it. “Ugh! We can do that later, Kahl, just respond to it.” Cartman intervened, pushing Kyle away from the computer to enter the chat again. “What? No, that makes no logical sense! How are we supposed to respond as if we’re my Dad if we don’t know the full context?” Kyle attempted to reason with his rival, furrowing his eyebrows at the childishness of it all.
“We won’t respond like we’re your Dad, duh! She’s mad at him, idiot. We respond as ourselves.” Cartman stated, typing away at the keyboard.
GERALD BROFLOVSKI 5:02pm
It isn’t gerald it’s his UGLYYYYY SON kyle 😂
“I don’t type like that!” Kyle objected, face red with anger. “Yeah. Not cool, Cartman.” Stan agreed, watching as Kyle typed a contradictory statement.
GERALD BROFLOVSKI 5:02pm
Sorry, that was my idiotic friend. Still Kyle, though, and I’m most definitely not unattractive.
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:03pm
Is that so? 😏
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:03pm
You use some big words for your age. You must be very mature.
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:03pm
If you are attractive, would you say your ass is as well?
Kyle, as well as his friends, stared in awe at the new messages before him, disgusted and weirded out. “It is.” Stan said after the long moment of silence. “We all know it. Especially Bebe.”
“Dude!” Kyle yelled.
“Dude!” Stan yelled back, mimicking his super best friend.
GERALD BROFLOVSKI 5:05pm
I’m ten years old.
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:05pm
Ass pics. Rn.
“And, I think it is time to block this woman.” Kyle stated matter-of-factly, going to click on the block button. “No!” Cartman shouted, completely pushing Kyle away and onto the floor. Stan quickly ran to his aid.
GERALD BROFLOVSKI 5:06pm
how much
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:07pm
Woahhh 😳 I'm just jokinggg omg it’s a joke
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:07pm
Wanna hear about my ex husband's penis size and how much I was able to deep throat
Kyle quickly returned to his chair.
GERALD BROFLOVSKI 5:08pm
No thanks, I don't talk to groomers.
There was a three minute pause, of which worried the four.
COLLEEN BALLINGER 5:11pm
You’re gonna regret this.
Just before Kyle could comprehend what was happening, he heard something slam into his window. He snapped his head around, and with it, saw the smeared red lipstick in all its terror. “Let me see that ass, Kyle Broflovski!” Colleen shouted from outside, muffled. “Run! Run!” Stan yelled, as the four booked it down the steps and into the living room where Kyle’s parents were.
“Dad!” Kyle shouted, frantic and scared. “What did you call out Colleen Ballinger for with Adam and Becky?!”
Gerald’s eyes widened as he shot up from the couch. “For grooming little kids!” He responded, and Kyle’s heart dropped.
“What what what?!” Sheila yelled her signature catchphrase.
“I told you we should’ve checked the video, you big lump of cancer!” The ginger screamed at Cartman. “Did you talk to her?!” Gerald asked, but it was too late.
“Kyleee…” Colleen whispered loudly from the hall, darting across it into the living room.
“Now, honey!” Gerald signaled, looking at his wife. In response to this, Sheila pulled out a ukulele themed sniper rifle and shot up Colleen Ballinger. From then on, Kyle and his friends never responded to strange people in his Dad’s DMs ever again.