Chapter Text
The constant replay pierced Tweek, even after it happened an hour ago. He couldn't quite say why it affected him so much after years of expecting it. Even after all this time of waiting distressingly for it to happen, nothing could have prepared him for it. Each harsh word shot straight through his heart, with each new one making it harder for him to breathe. Tweek had a bad habit of assuming the worst of what people were thinking, but to hear it as clear as day and as real as it could be from the person you care the most about was more than Tweek could bear. From simple reflex, Tweek covered his ears and looked down at the ground, eyes wide and alarmed, trying extremely hard not to break down and look like even more of a fool than he was sure he already looked to the incredible black-haired boy yelling at him. From what Tweek could tell, this only made things worse, and his boyfriend only seemed to get louder, angrier, and meaner. Tweek didn't dare release himself from the cage he trapped himself in, curling into himself even more and shaking his head slowly. He soon sat himself down on the floor, his ears ringing and his eyes wider than ever. Oh god, make it stop! His head screamed. He was so far into his own head that his surroundings seemingly disappeared and his breathing became manual. He became completely disconnected from the world around him, but that did nothing to ease his spirit.
With time, he did come down from his panicked state, and he became aware again. Craig was no longer yelling at him, which was the first thing he noticed, and it allowed him to slowly open up. He peered cautiously in front of him, seeing no sign of Craig anywhere. Looking around, I saw the same result. He left. He finally had enough of him, and he left. Tweek was sure it wasn't only in the literal sense either.
He was all alone in his quiet room with terrible sorrow and a lump that burned his throat and made it impossible to swallow. Hot, fresh tears built up in his eyes until they spilled over. He choked on his sobs, inspiring him to simply let it all go, and he cried out. His vision became blurry, and his face became wet with tears. Salty water dripped into his mouth, expressing his heartache. A part of him was glad Craig wasn't there; he was sure he looked hideous and stupid right now. He felt stupid.
Just hours earlier, Tweek was surrounded by Craig's arms while he was getting over a horrible anxiety attack. That day, Craig and his gang had plans to see a comet tonight that hadn't been seen since before humans were alive. Tweek wasn't invited; he was only informed by Craig that if he was going somewhere, Tweek was expected to be there. Only when Craig drove with his dad's car down to pick Tweek up, he found Tweek sitting up in his bed, clearly making no effort to get ready. He told Craig that he didn't feel very good that day and that being around people might make him throw up. He apologized profusely, saying how he knew how important this was for Craig and how he really wanted to feel better for it. Craig assured him it was fine, and he would simply tell him how it was afterwards.
For most of the trip, that was that. Craig missed having Tweek there, but mostly he hoped that Tweek was feeling better. He knew Tweek thought a lot about him and wouldn't skip out on something like this if it wasn't really serious.
The night got later and later, and the stars were bright in the night sky. In a few moments, the comet would be close enough to earth to see with his 1,000 telescope (it has been the first thing that Craig saved up for and bought when he stayed at his first job). It was 20 minutes before, and Craig had his telescope set up and everything prepared. He hadn't even touched his phone since he got there, leaving it in his bag on the grass. He had been waiting for his moment since he first heard about it two years ago.
Craig watched the night sky intently—perhaps hoping to possibly catch a glimpse of the comet before the countdown—when Tolkien noticed a vibrating sound in Craig's bag.
"Hey, Craig, I think someone is calling you." Tolkien didn't look away from the bag.
"Who?" Craig didn't look away from the stars. Clyde was already on it. He picked Craig's phone out of Craig's bag casually and looked at the screen.
"Dude, it's Tweek." That fizzled Craig out of the trance he was in.
"What?" Craig's eyebrows furrowed gently as he got up and walked towards Clyde.
Grabbing his phone from Clyde more forcefully than he needed to, he answered. "Hey, Tweek, how are you feeling now?"
Craig furrowed his eyebrows again when he didn't get a response, looking to his friends, who only starred at him questioningly.
Craig adjusted his phone. "...Tweek?"
"Craig..." He could barely hear Tweek on the other end. Craig put his other hand on his phone, his attention more focused. "Craig... I'm not... I'm not good." Tweek was hyperventilating.
"Whoa, whoa, what do you mean you're not good?" Craig turned away from the boys, no longer thinking about them, which only made them more curious.
Tweek gasped. "Come on, babe, talk to me," Craig said, a little more alarmed.
"I don't know, I don't know, I'm sorry, Craig," Tweek sobbed.
"Sorry for what, Honey?" Craig cooed firmly.
"Agh, I feel so stupid," Tweek sniffed violently. "I feel so selfish; I knew how important this was for you, and I'm missing it, agh. I should have just gone. I'm sorry, Craig. AHG!"
"Tweek, Honey, I promise you that it's fine," Craig affirmed again, slowly and firmly. Craig had walked a bit away from the other two boys for privacy in this slightly personal manner.
"Argh, you're always sacrificing for me; it's not fair!" Tweek started crying more again. "I don't even know why I called you when you're out looking at the comet."
Craig turned to look at the boys, who were looking back at him wide-eyed, silently looking for answers. "Tweek, just hang in there, alright?" Craig moved his phone away from his ear and walked quickly to the boys and said in a low voice, "Hey, I gotta go. I'm not sure when I'll be back, but just in case, I want Jimmy to take pictures. Tolkien, you should watch over and put up the telescope." Craig jogged down the small grass hill the boys were on. Before making it all the way down, he turned around and added, "Tolkien, don't let Clyde use my microscope without adult supervision." Back down the hill.
"What?" Clyde frowned.
Craig didn't skip a beat the moment he raced into Tweek's room, quickly but quietly closing the door behind him and scooting beside Tweek while he lay straight down on his bed.
This was routine for Craig, who naturally learned over time how to get through an anxiety attack. Tweek also learned over time that when he felt that way, he could call Craig whenever, wherever, no matter what Craig was doing at the moment, and Craig would be right there. It took forever for Tweek to trust Craig as much as he does, but once he did, knowing Craig was always going to be an available source of comfort was such a relief to him that he didn't even get as many anxiety attacks as he used to.
The few times Tweek did fall into an anxiety attack, they were always followed by a cuddle session that was initiated the first time by Craig; now it was Tweek's nonverbal way of letting Craig know he felt better. This time was no different, as Tweek rolled over and buried his face in Craig's shoulder. It was rare moments like these where Tweek wasn't shaking at all. His eyes dipped lower peacefully, his heart beat was steady, and his mind was quiet.
Craig responded to that by putting his cheek on Tweek's head, followed five seconds later by a reach and take of Tweek's hand.
It was like this for a moment, neither of them saying anything. Craig was looking straight up at the ceiling, his face without expression.
Tweek jumped when Craig's phone started ringing loudly and unexpectedly. Craig's knee-jerk reaction to the noise made him answer the phone almost immediately.
"Hey, hey! You were right; the comet was incredible! Tolkien even took some pictures for you." Clyde was almost shouting over the phone, as he often did when calling Craig or any of the other guys in the group.
Craig's expression didn't change, and he thought for a second about what Clyde said. "Tell him I said thanks."
"Uh, yeah, of course, man..." Craig was usually a chill dude of few words, but the lack of enthusiasm when it came to this particular subject took him back.
Craig didn't even respond to Clyde. Clyde clicked his tongue. "So... how's it going with Tweek?" He asked hesitantly.
"We're fine now; I'll call you later, Clyde." Craig didn't even hesitate and took his phone off his ear, hearing one last confused 'okay?' from Clyde before hanging up.
Tweek was close enough to the phone's speaker and Clyde was loud enough that he could listen to most of the conversation, and after it was over, he dipped his head down shamefully.
"I'm sorry, Craig," Tweek said quietly. Craig sighed.
"It's fine," he replied simply. Tweek jerked up to look Craig in the face.
"It's not, though! You were so excited; you talked to me about it for months!" Tweek was starting to become eccentric as he lifted himself to his knees, his posture very tense. "And I messed it all up!" His arms shot up almost naturally as he violently gripped his hair. "Oh god, I ALWAYS MESS THINGS UP." He wasn't even looking at Craig anymore. "HOW CAN I BE SO UNFAIR?"
"Tweek.."
"WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY DID I CALL YOU LIKE THAT?"
"Tweek-"
"OH GOD, OH JESUS, YOU MUST BE ANNOYED WITH ME! YOU'RE SECOND GUESSING OUR RELATIONSHIP, AREN'T YOU?
"Tw-"
"YOU'RE GOING TO START HATING ME, CHRIST!"
"Tweek! Stop! I don't hate you," Craig said firmly. Craig's eyebrows were furrowed, and he was frowning, looking intently at Tweek. Tweek was taken aback by his expression, misinterpreting his assurance for annoyance. He leaned back a little, his face stressed and worried.
"WHY NOT?? You should! You have every reason to!" Tweek looked away sharply to the side with his eyes wide and his teeth barred.
Tweek has said bad things about himself before, usually about how bad he is at his job or how he screwed up, and occasionally apologized for the burden he felt like he was for Craig, but he never suggested that Craig might not want him. This is why Craig was a little alarmed and almost offended by the things Tweek was saying.
"Why are you saying this? If I had a reason to hate you, don't you think that I would?" Craig sat up to face Tweek directly, his face even more intense.
Tweek almost gasped. His face turned from one of stress to one of shock and despair. He didn't say anything after that and only backed off his bed.
"Where are you going?" Craig watched as Tweek turned away from him, took a few steps, and looked at the ground with each of his hands gripping his back arms.
"Tweek, what are you doing?" Craig tried not to sound so demanding, but he was getting a little upset.
"You're going to hate me one day; I know it." Tweek shook his head. "You're going to hate me and never want to be anywhere near me."
"What are you talking about?" Craig started slowly sliding off the bed.
"I'm going to be the one you tell funny stories about; you're going to make fun of me! You think I'm stupid!" Tweek almost spat.
Craig was fully off the bed now, and he was getting more annoyed. "Tweek, stop that! I never said any of that, and I never will!"
"CRA-"
"8 years, Tweek! I've been with you consistently for 8 whole years—no breaks and no bullshit! I willingly saw you nearly every day, making excuses and getting into trouble just so I could see you in person! You think I would do that for someone I don't really like?" Craig was now completely up and active, right in front of Tweek.
"GAH, I DON'T KNOW! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Tweek turned to Craig, his posture and face extremely strained.
"It makes perfect sense to me; I spend all that time with you simply because I like spending time with you!" Despite the positive words Craig was saying, his tone made Tweek shrink, as Craig rarely spoke in such a strong and expressive way.
"WHY?"
"You're nice to be around; why else, Tweek? What other reason could there be?" Craig was frustrated; he just wanted Tweek to understand.
"YOU'RE WRONG; NO ONE LIKES BEING AROUND ME; I'M TOO MUCH!" Tweek obviously internalized how his parents and other people around him made him feel all his life and how incompetent his adhd and addiction made him feel, and it was a hard thing to look past.
"What about me?" Craig started to feel like Tweek was being unfair to him and forgetting how important Tweek was to him.
"Nghh, you should hate me, Craig; you shouldn't want to continue carrying me around everywhere; you shouldn't want this relationship!" Tweek nearly shouted. It was Craig's turn to be taken aback. "I'm no good for you! I'm no good for anyone; NGH, I don't WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP!" Tweek started pulling his hair almost until it came out, and his eyes were glued shut.
Craig had no idea how to respond to that at all. Did Tweek know what he was saying? He couldn't have meant that. It couldn't be. Tweek liked Craig; Craig knew that, and he did. Tweek wasn't the only one who was smothered with affection in the relationship. On the rare occasions that Tweek was calm, he was sweet-talking Craig in his own eccentric way and kissing him whenever Craig made sacrifices for him. Every time Craig was sick, Tweek was there to make sure he was well (every time he worried that Craig had cancer or an incurable or deadly disease). Tweek had to love him just the same, right? It couldn't be the result of Tweek feeling like he owed Craig, right?
Craig was officially frustrated, hurt, and annoyed all at once. It was very, very rare that his feelings were hurt, but that sure did.
"You don't mean that." Craig tried to sound as firm as he did previously, but his tone was failing him.
"YOU DON'T KNOW ME, CRAIG; YOU THINK YOU DO, BUT YOU DON'T; I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT; I'LL NEVER BE WHAT YOU WANT! ARRRHH!!!" Tweek whined. He was becoming frantic, which was obvious to anyone who was in the room with him.
Craig couldn't believe his ears. Tweek was always super frantic and emotional, and he was used to this kind of display from Tweek, but never in their 8-year relationship was the subject matter so heavy. Usually, when Tweek was distressed like this, it was about something Craig would admit was rather silly. Whether it was about the dangers of the Easter bunny, the fall of humanity as we know it, or the possibility of nukes from another country targeting him, Craig could take a deep breath and handle it accordingly, not really believing that the danger was real. This was very different, however. Craig couldn't have Tweek imagine things about how Craig felt about him or about their relationship. Of course, Tweek's worry was another danger that wasn't real, but the worry itself was dangerous.
Craig didn't really even know what to say. Tweek, Tweek, Tweek. Always worried, always anxious, always afraid something is going to take his joy away. Of course, Craig knew Tweek. He knew what he was signing up for. I mean, obviously, he's been with the guy for 8 years; he thought it went without saying. He thought he and Tweek were past this. Why didn't he feel like he deserved to have good things happen to him? Why did Tweek have to be the way that he is? If Craig could take these feelings from Tweek, he would in a heartbeat, but he can't. He can't, and he and Tweek are stuck with it, and it might cost the relationship. It was so frustrating; why couldn't Tweek go back to the way he was before he was saying all this, when they were just on his bed and nothing was being questioned? Craig didn't want this; he just wished Tweek would stop.
Craig furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. The sudden change to such a hard expression took Tweek aback, and he suddenly felt more anxious.
Craig gritted his teeth and glued his eyes shut before he exploded, his dark eyes looking directly into Tweek's. "Tweek, stop; why are you doing this to me? I have supported you my whole life, kept up with you, and talked to you. What in the world makes you think that I don't like you?" Craig's tone completely lost his monotone and sarcastic charm; he was yelling at this point.
"You always do this, and I always reassure you, but how am I supposed to do that when you don't even think that I want to be around you? Huh?" Tweek covered his ears, shaking his head. Craig frowned. He wasn't even listening to him; he was just running away like always.
"What now? You're ignoring me like you do every time? You don't care?" Tweek didn't look up at him or anything.
"Every time, Tweek! I feel rejected, I feel hurt, and you never care about the things I have to say!" Of course, Craig wasn't being truthful here, but Tweek wasn't the only frantic one anymore.
Craig watched, incredibly upset, as Tweek continued to ignore him with his head down as he slid down his wall. "That's what happens every time you have a problem; you just curl up into yourself, and I'm ALWAYS expected to fix it. Why can't you just learn to do things on your own?" Craig was on the verge of tears at this point, although he couldn't exactly say why. Maybe it had something to do with how Tweek was ignoring him or that he was failing at being a comfort source for Tweek (a part he took very seriously and enthusiastically), or maybe it was both.
Craig continued to rant about his frustration with his boyfriend until he couldn't even tell what he was saying, and he said a lot of things that weren't even true until he just stopped and got a good look at Tweek, who was costing beneath him.
"What's wrong with you? Am I scary to you?" Don't get Craig's tone wrong; the words may be nice, but Craig was high off the adrenaline of his rant, and his tone still expressed that. Craig backed up, biting his lip, and his face was strained. "So you have nothing to say?" Craig waited for a second, but Tweek wasn't listening.
Craig decided it was time to leave. He didn't want to distress Tweek anymore, but he didn't think Tweek would want him to stay. That was the conclusion of both of the boy's nights.