Chapter Text
Travis in the bathroom stall, had a realization. He was an idiot. A total fucking moron.
He should have know that though. He should have known when he started to doubt his fathers teachings. He should have known when he scribbled shitty poems on the sides of his notes. He should have known when his father found those poems and beat him within an inch of his life. He should have known when he came into school this monday wearing the black eye like a terrible trophy.
Worst of all, he should have known when this happened. When Sal happened.
It had started this morning in stupid fucking math class. He hated the class. More than anything. Moreso, he hated Sal who he shared the class with.
"Excuse me Mr. Fisher." Called Mrs. Packerton
He hated how good he was at math. He hated his bright blue hair, he hated his emotionless freaky mask with its dingy pink and white. He hated his childish pigtails and his devilish clothes and his pale neck and hands and knees. And fuck, oh how he hated what Sal had done to him. Made him a faggot just like him.
"Sal, Wake up!"
"Huh?" The mess of cornflower blue hair shot up.
"That doesn't look like math to me."
"Oh sorry, I must have dosed off. I already finished the test." Smart fucking... jackass.
"I know dear. You aced it as well, very good. Just try to stay awake for the remainder of class, okay?" She spoke to Sal like a little kid, it pissed Travis off just to hear it. He couldn't help but glare at Sal.
"Sure, it won't happen again." Fucking suck up.
Sally Face was the devil. The snake offering him the forbidden fruit. He can't help but want to give in. So badly he wishes he-
"And Mr. Phelps. Eyes on your own paper." Mrs. Packerton interupted his thoughts, with her nasally terrible voice.
He fucking hates math. Its useless and it just... doesn't make sense. None of the shit.
"Class is almost over. Make sure everyone hands in their tests before leaving." Travis knew he wouldn't.
When the bell rung, Travis scratched down his name on the half completed test and turned it in.
He saw Sal in the hallway, along with the long-haired brunette girl, Ashley, he was always seen with. They were probably dating, and Travis did his best to ignore the way it hurt him to acknowledge. Speaking of ignore, he had meant to ignore the two of them, he really had. Its not his fault... somehow.
"Hey, Freak!" The words escaped him before he could even realize, "Nobody likes a goody-two-shoes, Saaally Face."
"Nobody likes a cliche bully, Traaavis." The other shot back with a sigh. Sal didn't get riled up like everyone else. Travis tried to pretend that was why the boy was his favorite victim.
"Don't you have something better to do?" His stupid little girlfriend said.
"Shut up, bitch! I wasn't talking to you."
"You know, if you took that stick out of your ass you may actually enjoy yourself for once. Maybe even make a friend or two." Bullshit, it didn't matter what Travis would do, he couldn't make friends.
"Fuck off, faggot! I have more friends than you'll ever have!" He lied.
"You kiss your daddy with that tongue? I'm sure he-" He doesn't even mean to do it, really! Its just the mention of his father, the worthless bastard. Travis ran off to lunch.
He all but threw himself at the bench. What a fucking asshole he is. He had definitely bullied Sal because he hated him at one point, but now? It was just awful habit.
He had hated Sal for doing this to him, for making him feel this way. Sal made him a fag just like he is. Fuck. That's not fair, Sal probably wasn't even...
Travis banished the thought from his mind, he pulled out his notebook and wrote something. A note. It would be meant for Sal, but he'd never give it to him or anything, he'd rather die.
I know we don't really know eachother and you probably have your opinions of me. I thought maybe if I told you how I feel, things could be different.
The truth is, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm crazy about you. I think you're amazing! You can do so many cool things and I'm sorry my jealousy makes me so awful to you.
He can't write that to Sal. He erases some.
The truth is, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm crazy about you. I think you're amazing! But I know these feelings I have are wrong.
It's not the way a boy should feel. Shame swallows me whole, just writing these words.
My father would kill me but I can't live in his shadow forever. I just wish you felt the same way Sally Face.
He scribbles out the last bit.
Travis starts to feel sick, he rips the page out from the notebook. He'd bought it for himself, it had grey lines and a monochrome picture of a flower, lily of the valley. His father would surely beat him if he saw it, so it stayed safe in his locker forever.
He quickly walks to the bathroom, crumpling the note in his pocket. When he opens the door, he tosses the paper in the trash, scared of the tears he feels gathering in his eyes.
He slams the stall door shut and locks it. He leans with his back against the wall and slides down until he meets the floor. He starts to sob.
He deserves to feel like shit. He deserves to be hated by Sal, who's so fucking pretty, even with that mask. He's such a stupid faggot, he's going to rot in hell and he fucking deserves it.
He barely hears the door open, but when he does, he goes quiet enough to hear the rustling of paper.
Fuck. He'd missed the trash.
"Anyone in there?" Sal. Goddamn Sal. Of course. He held his breath to force himself to stop crying.
"No duh, fuckwad. Buzz off!"
"Travis? Were you just crying a second ago?" And Travis wants to tell the truth, how could he not with that lovely kind voice asking him. But he will not show weakness.
"I- No! What the hell? Can't a guy get some privacy?"
"Why do you hate me so much?" Sal asked, Travis had to put his emotional walls back up as fast as he could.
"Because you and your dumb friends are a bunch of homos! It's sick! It's not right! God will never love you! Why should I?!" It's Travis, Travis is the sick homo. He was the one damned to never be loved. Especially not by-
"You know we arent all actually gay, right? I mean, besides for Todd. Todd is super gay. But that's part of who he is and I think it's wonderful," Of course Sal wasn't gay. How could Travis have been so fucking stupid, "He's one of the kindest people I know. How could anyone hate Todd?"
How could anyone hate you...? How could I... Travis thought.
There was a tense silence.
"Is your father pushing these beliefs on you?" Sal asked.
"Just because my dad is a preacher doesn't mean he owns me! I'm my own person!" But when has Travis ever done anything to prove it? Done anything to defy his father? Never. He was too scared. How sad.
"Yeah but... Well, you seem so unhappy man." It hurt how kind Sal was.
"Are you sure your dad isn't putting too much pressure on you? I bet its tough being the son of such an intense man."
"You have no idea what it's like."
"I'm sorry, man" Travis refuses to cry at the genuineness of Sal's response.
"Don't feel sorry for me, Sally Face, I don't need your pity." He hates Sal. He hates Sal. Oh God please let him believe he hates Sal.
"We don't have to be enemies, you know that right?" Sal slides down to the floor, his back on the stall door, he's not facing Travis but it still makes everything hard.
Travis can't speak, the tears will escape.
"I think under all of that anger, there's a good dude who's afraid to be himself." Travis was wrong.
"If you ever need someone to talk to or if you need to get away from your dad for a while, you can hang out with me." Sal was nothing close to the Devil, he was an angel.
"...Why- Why are you being so nice to me?" He was baffled.
"I don't think you're a bad person, Travis." He wasn't used to hearing his name said in such a kind way.
"You know, I don't really hate you... or your friends..." Travis let the honesty out, and a single tear came with it.
"I didn't really think so."
"I- I guess- Well I'm sorry ive been such an asshole. You didn't deserve that."
"That means a lot to me. It really does. Thank you." Sal stands up from the floor.
"And what I said, about being here for you if you ever decide you want a friend," Sal paused, "I meant that."
"Don't push your luck, Sally Face!" Travis can't handle the feelings, he has to keep being an asshole.
"Now scram so I can have my alone time. And uh..." his crying time.
"What?" Travis keeps up his walls.
"Don't tell anyone about this or you're dead!" He thinks that was too much, "Er, I mean, just don't tell anyone about this, okay?"
"I won't." And just like that Sal leaves. And Travis doesn't feel like crying, not nearly as much. And the tears he does have don't feel like the same ones he tried to run from.
He feels so okay