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“Her pulse quickened, two paths emerging before her: one where she said something now, and one where she remained quiet.”
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“Master Skywalker!”
So wrapped up in his own thoughts, Anakin had paid no mind to the figure he passed on his way into the hanger—not until she called his name. The sound of it brought him up short, made him turn and look the girl over. He found her seated on a bench, a zabrak with a subtle braid that told him she was in medical training; he’d have guessed her to be a few years younger than Ahsoka. “...Mill?” Anakin felt more confident in his recognition the closer he got to her, “Is that you?”
She rose, clearly pleased to be remembered. “Yes!”
No longer the tiny thing she’d been when he waved her off on her first official mission, she came up to his shoulder now. Anakin’s smile was sincere through his fatigue, “You’ve grown so much.”
“So have you,” Mill told him; then, tittering as she pointed, “Your hair, I mean.” He had only just lost his own padawan braid when she’d last seen him. Seating herself again, she patted the spot next to her on the bench invitingly. “Can you sit for a while?”
His smile dimmed. “Actually, I’m supposed to...” He was supposed to be meeting the Chancellor at the opera house, was already running a bit late as it was.
But he hadn’t seen Mill since she’d left at the very start of the war. So much had happened, had changed, for him since then; doubtless she could say the same. “You know what?” his mouth tipped up again, “I can.” Anakin took the place she indicated, slipping his hands into hers without thinking when she offered them. “When did you and Master Nema get back?”
But she shook her head. “It’s just me this time. Kind of like before, when she came back for Master Yoda.” They’d been giving aid at Saleucami then, and she’d stayed behind to continue when her master received the confidential distress call; it was only afterward that she was told the nature of it. “It’s only been a rotation or so,” giving his hands a squeeze, “I’m happy I found you so fast.”
He chuckled, “You were looking for me?”
Mill nodded. “Sort of feels like I’ve been chasing you for a while, actually,” she laughed again, a soft, warm sound. “Geonosis, Felucia, Kiros…” Another squeeze, and he could feel the support she sent drifting through the Force as well, “They’ve all been stops on the tour Master Nema plotted for us.”
“Those were all…” Difficult didn’t feel like a big enough word for what he’d experienced, in any of those places. He rubbed his gloved thumb against the back of her hand. “There was so much suffering for you to feel. Were you alright?” It was all too easy to remember how sickly it could leave her feeling, especially in such close proximity.
“Oh, I felt suffering,” she murmured, the words sounding strangely loaded to Anakin’s ears. Mill took a breath, though, and her kind smile returned; he couldn’t help noticing how much more readily it came now. “It wasn’t always easy, especially at first. But things got better with Master Nema’s training, and I got a better understanding of what I was feeling. I felt how bad things had been for the people in those places,” her expression took on a more wistful quality, and her grip on Anakin tightened a little, “but also how much worse things could have been.”
Sitting with Mill now, it was as if her Presence was a warm balm in the Force, soothing his battle-worn heart. For the first time since leaving Mandalore the furious spinning of his thoughts and emotions began to slow, the tightness in his chest easing. It was a rare feeling anymore. “It’s done you good,” he told her, “you seem so much more at peace now.” Offering her another small smile, “Confident, even.”
“I think I just borrowed some of yours,” she tittered, “You believed in me, so it was easier to believe in myself.” Catching and holding his gaze, “To make the choice that was best for me.”
Another moment and Mill shook herself, thinking of the holonet reports that had been running constantly the last few days. “It must be such a relief for you, too, now that the war’s over.”
Anakin’s expression faltered. “Oh, I—” He found himself struggling for a response. It had felt that way, when he’d managed their emergency landing on Coruscant. But then with all the talk of chasing Grievous, the sudden unease between the Chancellor and the Council… “It doesn’t quite feel like it is yet.”
“I’ve seen that a lot, actually, knights and troopers alike,” she told him sympathetically, “People that don’t know how to stop fighting. It’s why I came home.”
She nearly laughed at the tooka-like tilt of his head. “But I thought you said things had gotten better for you, with your training?”
“That’s not it, M—” Mill shook her head, “Anakin. I came back for you.”
Before the shock could wear off and he could muster a question, she continued on. “I’ve been keeping track of, well. A lot of things, really, since I’ve been away.” It hadn’t been hard to, with the way the holonet reports tended to focus on the Hero With No Fear, and doing so had only seemed to support what she had been sensing. “Do you have any idea how you feel in the Force?” she asked suddenly.
To say her rapid turns in conversation were giving him whiplash would be an understatement. “No…?”
“I do.” The sun dragon that she’d known before somehow burned even more brightly now. “And I never needed the holonet to tell me when we arrived at one of your battle sites because of it.” Shifting, she brought their joined hands together. “You haven’t been doing well, have you?” Shaking her head again, anticipating, “Not the sieges, everyone knows how the Republic has been doing there. I mean you, specifically.”
He gave a huff of nervous laughter. “I don’t think any Jedi’s been doing particularly well out there.”
She rolled her eyes, not something he would have expected from her before, and reminding him briefly of the many times he’d seen the same from Ahsoka. “True enough,” she allowed, “But most Jedi feel things differently than you do. Than both of us do.”
Anakin bounced their hands once, aiming for a lighthearted tone, “It’s why we made a good team.”
Her mouth pressed into a sympathetic line as she gave another shake of her head. “It’s why you can’t hide from me like you might from other people,” Mill told him, pressing her thumbs into the backs of his hands. Just as it had three years ago the contact let her see directly into him as if they were joined in meditation, see the chaos in the molten star of his heart. “You’ve been feeling conflicted.” Quietly, more gently, “You’ve thought about leaving the Order. Recently, even.”
Still holding on to his hands, she could feel the slight tremor start to run through them; Mill watched as his eyes pressed closed. “You’re not wrong.” The words were barely more than a whisper.
“I know.” Even with his eyes closed, he could hear her gentle smile. “You can’t hide from the Force, so you can’t hide from me.”
The words surprised a laugh from him. Again, before he could formulate more of a response, she asked him, “So why don’t you leave?”
He didn’t have an answer. Not a simple one, anyway. “The Chancellor,” he began, “the Council...” He took a breath, settled on, “They all expect something from me.”
Even without further details, the admission told Mill that it was a primary source of the conflict that she could feel from him. “Well, they expected me to be a Knight, like you,” she said eventually, “They didn’t get what they expected, but things still turned out well.”
Anakin let out another nervous laugh. She’d been right: normally, he probably would have tried to deflect a conversation like this one, but he struggled to now. Mill’s earnestness demanded his honesty, and their odd connection made him want to give it. “I’m not sure they’d see it that way, if I told them.”
“Not to sound flippant, but,” she told him, sounding anything but that despite her light tone, “I’m not here for them, I’m here for you.” Her gaze fell to their still-joined hands as she mulled over what she would say next. “Do you remember what I told you before I left with Master Nema?” She had wanted to give him the same permission he had given her back then, to walk another path if it was in his heart; she still did. “You don’t always have to be the sun dragon, Anakin.” Then, adding, “Stars might burn out, but we don’t have to.”
A small, wan smile curved his mouth. “I remember.”
Mill nodded once. “Search your feelings,” she said gently, “Really look. What do they say?”
Taking a breath Anakin followed the request, brows furrowing as he sank awkwardly into a light meditation. As he’d told her earlier, despite what the holonet was saying, nothing really felt like it was over; the last week alone had been a lot. Mandalore, the battle over Coruscant, Padme...then the push and pull of the Chancellor and the Council...If anything, the whirlwind of events felt like it sped up rather than calming. Even with the difficult conversation, Mill’s calling out to him in the hanger felt like the first moment of relief he’d been able to find and actually keep in...he couldn’t remember how long.
He tried to hold on to the stillness that that relief offered as he looked deeper within himself. His thoughts arrived at Mill, and then Ahsoka, too—both returning to him in such short order. Both young Jedi that he’d taught, both choosing to walk away from the path of Knighthood, albeit in different ways. Both struggling, but ultimately flourishing in that decision...in this stillness he held, it felt like the Force was trying to tell him something. Loudly, now that he was actually listening.
Anakin remembered standing atop the stairs that led away from the Temple, watching Ahsoka descend; it was the only other time he’d admitted to someone that he’d thought about leaving himself. In that moment he’d understood the urge so strongly, almost felt moved to act—but fear had stopped him. Especially after losing his mother, he’d been so afraid of what it would mean to lose being a Jedi as well...
Another breath, deeper this time, and he opened his eyes.
He let go.
“Mill, I...”
“I’ll go with you,” she told him, finally releasing his hands, “If you want to talk to Master Yoda.” Beaming up at him, “You were there when I did.”
Anakin returned the smile, quietly amazed at how much easier it already felt to do. “Thank you.”
She shook her head. “No need—all I’ve wanted to do all this time is help people effected by the war.” It was almost funny, she thought, that he hadn’t realized that might also include him. Now, getting to her feet, Mill couldn’t help sharing in the relief that he felt; it was as though a dark pocket of clouds had suddenly cleared in the Force, letting light shine through after a storm. “I’m glad I could be here now.”