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It had been two weeks since everything happened. Since Gansey was reborn, since they lost Noah, since Ronan left for DC to be with his brothers, since Blue’s curse, since the demon and Adam’s hands. Everything surprisingly went back to “normal” because the world rarely waited for humans to process anything before barreling on.
Adam went back to school. Gansey skipped class a few times. Blue and Adam went back to work. And Adam didn’t hear from Ronan. Not that he really expected to hear from him since he went to DC. But then Gansey said he saw Ronan at Monmouth yesterday, that he had been back in town for a week. In fact, Gansey was going to the Barns and asked Adam if he wanted to come, but Adam didn’t know if he was invited. To be fair to Ronan, he didn’t have a phone number to reach Adam at, but to be fair to Adam’s anxiety about the whole situation, Ronan could have just showed up at his doorstep like he did every other time he crashed on Adam’s floor at St. Agnes.
So Adam declined Gansey’s offer - he had work anyway - and kept his head down at Boyd’s, staying a little past closing, and tried desperately not to think about Ronan.
The next day, though, Adam did go over to Monmouth to hand over his notes from the classes Gansey missed. Blue’s laughter could be heard from outside, but there was a familiar shark-nosed BMW in the driveway beside the Camaro and Adam’s heart raced.
“Adam!” Gansey’s cheeks were flushed, but the wide grin on his face was contagious. They bumped knuckles. He greeted Blue and tried not to think about Ronan. Tried not to look for Ronan.
“Notes for you,” Adam held out the stack of notebook paper.
“You’re a lifesaver,” Gansey grinned, paused, seeming to notice his choice of phrase. He shrugged, took the notes and went off to his desk to clear a pile, but ended up just putting his notes on top of the chaos. “What else did I miss?”
“Not much,” Adam replied. “How are you feeling?”
This has been a constant question since everything happened. Since Gansey died. Since Gansey came back to life.
Gansey rolled his eyes, pushing his wireframes up the bridge of his nose. “Delightful.”
Blue made a gagging noise, but her cheeks flushed.
“We were just going to grab a bite to eat and meet up with Henry,” Gansey continued. “You coming? Ronan’s around here somewhere.”
Adam took a step backward, turning his body toward the door. “No, I have something to-”
“Oh, really?”
Blue was eyeing him with a knowing look, gaze narrowed, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Adam felt exposed, looking away from her quickly.
“Yeah, college apps.” It was the first thing that came to mind. The thing he knew none of them really knew much about because college was not on anyone else’s radar at the moment. Blue, Gansey, and Henry were planning a cross-country roadtrip. Ronan was… Stop thinking about Ronan .
“We can’t tempt you to put them off for an hour or so?” Gansey asked, lips downturned with disappointment.
“I’m working a double this weekend, don’t really have time to put it off.”
“They’re not due for a little while, though, right?” Blue chimed in, leaning against Gansey casually. “And I thought you already did your personal essay, so you’re miles ahead of everyone else.”
Adam blinked. They weren’t due for a while and he had finished his personal essay, even got it approved by his guidance counselor and AP English teacher, but early decision applications were due first and that was what Adam was aiming for. He didn’t want to get into specifics with them. He did have work to do on the common application and financial aid requests.
“Yeah, I still have some stuff I need to get done,” Adam replied evenly. “Sorry. Will I see you at school tomorrow?”
Gansey hummed. “Yes, most likely.”
Adam tried not to roll his eyes at that. A near-death experience only heightened Gansey’s already lackadaisical outlook on the end of the school year. Knowing he wasn’t going to college, that he didn’t need to go to college was something Adam envied and he tried not to think about it for too long, trying not to allow the fiery rage at this unfair world to grow. He was happy for Gansey. He was happy Gansey was alive. But he could still feel angry toward his circumstances and privilege.
“When are we leaving? I’m fucking starving.”
Adam’s heart clenched, pulse racing. He turned toward the doorway to the bathroom/kitchen hybrid and caught sight of Ronan Lynch, leaning against the doorframe. His neck was no longer mottled with purple and black, his tattoo all familiar and consuming still licked up his neck from the collar of his black t-shirt. When they looked at each other, Ronan’s eyes widened, but he quickly masked whatever initial reaction he had.
“Parrish,” Ronan said, aiming for nonchalant, but the air felt thick between them. “You coming?”
“Alas, Adam is not,” Gansey sighed, patting his pockets for his wallet. “But we can walk you out.”
Adam tore his gaze from Ronan’s and focused on his breathing, willed his heart to slow down. He followed Gansey and Blue out the door, feeling Ronan’s eyes on him the whole way. He said goodbye and hastily started up his car to head back to St. Agnes, decidedly not looking in the rearview on his way out of the drive.
And, similar to how he approached most things, Adam spent the next hour or so overanalyzing that entire interaction.
Ronan didn’t want to speak to him. He’d been back for a week and knew where to reach Adam, knew how to reach him, but chose not to. That was fine. He hoped that things wouldn’t be awkward moving forward, but if they were, Adam decided that he would not be the one to make it so. The next time he saw Ronan he would make sure of it.
How typical for Gansey to be so protective of Ronan’s heart when Adam was the one in shambles. Adam had made his choice and his intentions clear. But maybe, when the dust settled, with some time and space away, Ronan realized that Adam wasn’t what he wanted afterall. And that was fine . It was fine. It was fine.
It made sense. He hadn’t been strong enough to stop the demon from taking over his body, strangling Ronan, putting his hands on Ronan, when Ronan had protected him all those months ago from his father’s hands. Obviously Ronan wouldn’t feel comfortable being around him after that. Adam still looked down at his hands questioning if the demon was still lurking underneath. He couldn’t and wouldn’t blame Ronan for being cautious around him, for putting distance between them.
But it infuriated him that Ronan was letting him down gently and without words. It reminded him of Gansey and Blue, so nervous about how Adam would feel that they didn’t share their relationship until Adam had already figured it out on his own. Did his friends think so little of him that they needed to tiptoe around his emotions? Were they worried about his explosive temper that he no doubt inherited from his father, but was desperate to hide from them? Or worse, were they afraid of him?
What did this all mean now that Cabeswater and Glendower were gone? Blue, Henry, and Gansey were off to travel the world. Adam was out of Henrietta if he continued to play his cards right. Ronan would stay at the Barns. Maybe that was the end of things. Maybe they would be like so many others and lose contact after high school. Adam had no doubt that losing Ronan this way would mean losing Gansey, too, and that meant losing Blue and Henry. He already felt lonely… lonesome.
He busied himself with college and financial aid applications, proofreading a first draft of an essay for his AP European History class that wasn’t due for a week, and finishing up a problem set for Calculus that he almost finished during his free period that day. And then, there was a knock at the door.
He dropped his pencil, staring at the door for a minute in disbelief. There was no one else it could be judging by the cadence of the knock. Three even, but distinct beats. Loud enough for Adam to hear, quiet enough that it wouldn’t startle him. A pause. A jingle of keys. Silence. A bit dazed, Adam’s earlier internal monologue went out the window, heart racing, hope blooming, hands shaking, as he tried not to race to open the door.
“Hi,” Ronan said when he opened the door. His black silhouette nearly melted into the dark hallway. Adam could smell his leather and earth and sweat and…
“Hi,” he echoed, remembering that he was in sweatpants and a thin threadbare t-shirt. He tried not to squirm.
They continued to stare in silence and Adam couldn’t help but be flooded with memories of that night at the Barns. Lips and skin and teeth and desperate hands and hitching breaths.
“Can I come in?” Ronan looked wary, hopeful, and guarded.
Adam gripped the doorknob tighter, pulling it open to allow Ronan to come inside despite his better judgment. With the door shut and the two of them in his cramped apartment with the sloping ceilings causing them to huddle a bit closer than they wanted to, Adam’s anxiety returned.
“How was DC?” he asked, casually.
“Uh, fine.”
“Matthew’s okay?”
“Yeah, he’s good.”
“Good.”
Silence. Again. Awkwardness. Heart pounding. Why did he show up here? After all this time? After earlier at Monmouth? To reject Adam to his face? Adam wasn’t sure he could handle that, maybe he was better off with the letting down gently after all.
“I didn’t hear from you,” Adam said, hoping he didn’t sound accusatory. Despite everything, Ronan had been with family and given the circumstances he didn’t owe Adam anything. Adam tried not to be selfish, tried to put himself in Ronan’s shoes. If Ronan changed his mind then he probably just came to that conclusion, not thinking about him while he was mourning the loss of his mother in DC with his brothers.
Ronan winced, looked down, shuffled his feet. “You don’t have a phone.”
Adam huffed a humorless laugh. They both knew that wasn’t an excuse.
“I didn’t hear from you either,” Ronan said and this did sound like an accusation.
“I don’t have a phone.”
“Ha. Nice.”
“I didn’t know you were back in town,” Adam said. “How was I supposed to know if you didn’t tell me?”
“Gansey told you.”
“Gansey told me he was going to the Barns.”
Ronan’s voice was small when he said, “I asked him to invite you.”
Oh. “I didn’t know that was you, I thought that was Gansey.” Then, frustrated, Adam said, “How was I supposed to know that?”
“I thought he would have told you.”
“And why couldn’t you do that? Why are you making Gansey the messenger?”
“Because you don’t have a cell phone!” Ronan was frustrated too, voice raising a little to match Adam’s.
“You know where I live,” Adam argued. “You know my schedule better than anyone.”
Ronan faltered, eyes searching Adam’s, looking for something. “I didn’t know if… I didn’t know you’d… want to see me.”
Adam blinked, disbelieving. Was this Ronan Lynch? Sure, honesty was very important to Ronan, but he wasn’t known for communicating vulnerabilities. Adam swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to be brave.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked quietly.
Ronan stepped forward and Adam immediately took a step back.
“What are you doing?”
“Would you just… stand still?”
Adam stood still.
Ronan kissed him.
Adam felt Ronan’s arms slip around his lower back, pulling him in, and he was helpless but to follow. It felt just like it had two weeks ago at the Barns, soft and gentle, then firm and honest. He let this kiss envelop him in its warm embrace, mind pleasantly blank. But Ronan fell back, put distance between them, and Adam breathed deep, eyes searching, confused. Why did they stop?
Ronan looked back expectantly, as if waiting for Adam to say something. What the hell am I supposed to say after that?
“I didn’t know you’d want to see me either,” Adam managed, voice hoarse and shaky.
Ronan frowned. “Why wouldn’t I?”
This time, when Adam stepped forward, Ronan stepped back and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Would you just stand still?”
Ronan stood still.
Adam kissed him.