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Do it. Do it! It gets your ship home immediately and it costs nothing. Damn it Kathryn, do it!
She was in Engineering, staring up at the warp core as it swirled and pulsed, digesting what B’Elenna had just told her. A way to get home, immediately. Almost instantly.
“Well?” B’Elenna said impatiently, her arms crossed. Chakotay, Tuvok, Tom Paris, Harry Kim, Neelix, Seven of Nine, and the Doctor all stood around her, looking various shades of expectant.
“It’s remarkable,” she said. “Truly.”
“So you’ll do it?” Chakotay asked.
Of course I’ll do it. I got us into this, it’s only right I get us out.
But when she opened her mouth the words stuck in her throat, and her heart beat wildly in her chest. They asked too much.
No they don’t. You ask too much. Agree Kathryn! Say your good-byes, climb in!
“I…”
“Captain, as it was your decision that trapped us in the Delta Quadrant, it is only right that you sacrifice yourself in order to return us home,” Tuvok said, his logic perfect, inexorable. She agreed with him! She did!
Despite herself she felt herself back away from the semi-circle of her senior officers and closest friends, and the warp core looming behind them. The warp core that only required a living body to climb in, to enable the mechanism that would immediately send them home.
Chakotay stepped forward, his normally warm, solid presence turning threatening as he loomed over her. “Kathryn…” he said warningly.
Like a coward, she turned and ran out of Engineering.
I want to do it! LET ME DO IT! She berated herself silently as she sprinted down the halls, eerily devoid of crew members, but her body refused to stop, to turn around and march back to Engineering, say her goodbyes and face her death with dignity.
“ATTENTION ALL CREW MEMBERS,” Chakotay’s voice boomed through a ship-wide channel, “IF YOU SEE THE CAPTAIN, APPREHEND HER AND BRING HER TO ENGINEERING.”
Kathryn tore her combadge off and threw it aside, trying to give herself any advantage she could. If she got to the shuttle bay as fast as she could, maybe she could leave the ship before the rest of the crew found her. Were the corridors always this long, this winding?
Neelix and the Doctor appeared in front of her, the Doctor wielding a hypospray and Neelix holding a ladle out in front of him like a reluctant sword. “Sorry, Captain,” said Neelix with a comical shrug, and they both lunged at her.
She spun on her heel and ran back in the other direction, but B’Elenna was tearing down the hallway with her hands outstretched like she would wrap them around Kathryn’s slender throat. Seven of Nine followed at a purposeful powerwalk, assimilation tubules protruding from her fist.
“Resistance is futile,” Seven said, while B’Elenna leapt at her with a roar.
Kathryn dodged, barely getting out of the way of B’Elenna’s grasping fingers. B'Elenna crashed into Neelix, and during the ensuing chaos Kathryn yanked open a Jeffries tube hatch and scrambled inside, slamming it desperately behind her and crawling as fast as she could.
“ATTENTION ALL CREW MEMBERS, THE CAPTAIN IS STILL LOOSE. APPREHEND HER AND BRING HER TO ENGINEERING.”
She kept crawling. Up, down, turn this way, turn that way. The Jeffries tubes went on too long, or bent in ways that made the distant, logical part of her brain think made no sense, but suddenly Harry Kim appeared in front her and she had no time to think about that.
“Harry–”
“Come on, Captain, let’s get to the shuttle bay,” Harry said.
She could have collapsed in relief. All she could do was nod.
In scarcely a blink they were in the shuttle bay. Harry scrambled out first and helped her out of the Jeffries tube, closing it behind her.
She’d scarcely taken two steps when Chakotay and Tuvok emerged from behind one of the shuttles. Tuvok wielded a phaser and Chakotay a pair of handcuffs.
She turned frantically. Harry shrugged apologetically, and Tom had joined him in front of the Jeffries tube hatch, blocking her exit.
“Captain, you are behaving most illogically,” Tuvok said. “Do not resist.”
I’m not resisting. I want to do this. I need to do this for my crew. But her traitorous tongue refused to say the words, and her traitorous body tried to run past Tuvok and Chakotay. She dodged Tuvok’s phaser blast, but drove herself directly into Chakotay’s path, and he tackled her to the ground.
She struggled fiercely, beating her hands uselessly against his chest. “Please,” she begged, her tongue finally working, “please, there has to be another way. Please.”
WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU WANT THIS, YOU NEED THIS, YOU DESERVE THIS!
“Please,” she sobbed.
“Stop struggling!” Chakotay snarled. She fought harder, her uniform jacket and turtleneck ripping in the struggle. Her pips popped off her collar and hit the floor with four distinct pings. Chakotay managed to flip her and pin her, holding her arms tightly behind her back with one broad hand.
Tuvok handed Chakotay the handcuffs, dropped in the fight, and Chakotay snapped them onto Kathryn’s wrists. Together they hauled her to her feet and dragged her through the ship.
Kathryn screamed and fought, wondering why she wasn’t facing this with dignity, wondering why she couldn’t accept this one last sacrifice to get her crew home. The doors to Engineering slid open, and Chakotay pushed her in first.
She stumbled and righted herself. The entire crew was crowded into Engineering, laughing and jeering at her. She saw Michael Jonas and Lon Suder, Lindsey Ballard and Kes; even Seska’s face, shifting between Bajoran and Cardassian, popped up in the sea of crewmen. Chakotay and Tuvok forced her through the crew and onto the lift leading up to the balcony.
The top of the warp core was open, pulsing and swirling below her. Chakotay and Tuvok between them hoisted her onto the railing, her back to the warp core. The crew sent up a massive cheer that rattled all the way through her body.
“Any last words?” Chakotay asked, his voice cruel and cold.
Her lip trembled. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
His lips tightened. Tuvok remained impassive. As one, they lifted her and threw her in.
She sat bolt upright, gasping so hard it hurt her throat.
No stars winked outside her window, the Void stretching away black and lightless and dead. It had been three weeks since they entered it. She closed her eyes tightly and held her head in her clammy hands. Her bed covers felt hot and stuffy around her body.
“Computer, time.”
“The current time is 04:55 hours.”
She stood and stumbled to the sonic shower.
She barely remembered showering and getting dressed, and the only evidence she’d had a cup of coffee was the taste of it still rolling around her mouth as she wandered the corridors. Without thinking, she ended up in Engineering.
“Captain!” B’Elenna hurried over. “Good morning!”
She shook her head slightly to clear it. “Morning Lieutenant. Anything to report?”
“Everything’s operating within normal parameters, just like every day for the past three weeks. Are you alright?”
“I didn’t sleep well,” Kathryn said shortly.
“I don’t think anybody is sleeping well these days,” B’Elenna said.
After another few excruciating minutes of chitchat, B’Elenna was called away, and Kathryn was alone. She wandered to the lift and took it to the balcony.
The warp core was not open at the top, but she knew that already.
“Captain?”
She jerked violently and nearly lost her balance. A broad hand she knew well reached out to steady her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Chakotay said.
Kathryn squeezed the railing and took a deep breath. “It’s fine, Commander. What can I do for you?”
“Our shift started an hour ago, and I got concerned when I didn’t see you on the Bridge,” he said. "And you didn't respond to when I tried to comm you."
An hour ago? How long had she been standing there staring at the warp core?
“I’m sorry, Chakotay,” she said. “I didn’t sleep well and I’m a bit on edge. Can you handle the Bridge today? I think for once I’ll listen to the Doctor and try to get some rest.”
She barely had to glance at him to see the naked worry on his face. “Should I be concerned?”
“Of course not,” she lied, and she didn’t think she sounded convincing, but he didn’t protest. “If there’s any sort of emergency you know where to find me. I’m simply taking advantage of how quiet things have been to take care of myself for once.”
She smiled at him and patted his shoulder as she made her way to the lift. “Have a good rest, Captain,” he called after her, and she acknowledged him with a nod before she took the lift down and left Engineering.
She didn’t plan on sleeping, but some rest would do her good today. Maybe the next day, too. After that she’d find herself something to occupy her mind. No use dwelling on her past bad decisions...yes, her crew was competent, they could handle a day or two without her. They probably wouldn’t even notice she was gone.