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I didn't have it in myself to go with grace,
And you're the hero flying around, saving face,
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed.
Eddie was no stranger to grief, he had once loved and lost before, but this time it was different. This time his love was alive, and he would stay alive, but it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough. He finally understood how his family felt, not knowing if the last time they spoke would truly be the last time. Watching Buck push himself towards danger with no regards for himself or the life he could leave behind if his judgement call was wrong. It was hard enough to witness when he hadn’t loved the man, or when he had convinced himself that he hadn’t, but now Eddie had all of those intimate nights and declarations of loved shared with Evan, it made it all that much harder.
It became too much to bear when Buck had once again pushed the line and put himself in danger. Sure, someone did have to climb that ladder in the middle of a storm. Yes, it was selfish for Eddie to wish it was someone, anyone, else but he couldn’t help the feeling. Watching Buck die was worse; Eddie thought that there wouldn’t be a worse pain than losing Shannon, but he managed to surprise himself.
The easiest part was in those moments between when the doctor had informed him that Buck’s heart had stopped and when they said they had managed to restart it. In those few fleeting seconds Eddie felt almost relieved. Relived that he would never feel this worry and anxiety that loomed in the pit of his stomach ever again. Then it got hard again as he learnt that Buck would have to fight for his life, to battle his way from a coma of which it was predicted he would never wake from. This news brought that pit back tenfold.
In those quiet moments Eddie spent at Buck’s bedside he felt as if he was the one who died. As if watching the love of his life struggle and earn every breath supplemented from a tube was a new form of torture specially curated to punish his momentary relief. But it wasn’t permanent, and Buck defied all godly odds once again and woke up.
Buck’s eyes stared through Eddie’s and into his soul. Eddie wished he could look away; he had never denied his partner much before, so he looked back and indulged him one last time as he spoke to Buck, voice barley above a whisper, “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what, Eds?”
“This…” Eddie looked down, moving his hand from where it had been supporting his chin, he pushed the chair back, “Us. I can’t do us anymore.”
Buck swallowed but kept his eyes on Eddie. “What do you mean? I thought that we were fine…? That you were fine?”
“I can’t keep worrying about you, I can’t let Christopher worry about you. He’s already- I have already lost so much, and I can’t bear to lose you too. So, I’m giving you up.”
“You’re giving up?” Buck repeated, still not sure of what Eddie had just said. He held his silence until the other man stood and walked towards the door. “You can’t give up. Eds, please! We can talk about his. Eddie, c’mon. You can’t give up on me. Don’t leave-“
Eddie stopped walking once he turned the corner outside of the hospital room. Of all the hustle and bustle of the hospital around him, all he focus on was Buck’s desperate pleas for him to come back.
Look at how my tears ricochet.