Work Text:
A few months ago, Tsukasa created an account on a site called Tertwi. Despite that, he never used it again after that day. No particular reason; he simply stopped logging in. He created the account on impulse, on a day boring day, and gradually stopped using it.
However, a Sunday morning, he was bored again. He had no homework left nor tests to study for, he had no practice scheduled and had no plans for the day. He was lying in bed, phone in hand, when he suddenly remembered about that social media site.
"I guess I could check it…" He thought to himself.
He scrolled through his apps, only to find he had uninstalled it, so he opened it in his browser. After a few mistakes entering his password, he was finally logged in again. He had no notifications or private messages; after all, he never told anyone about his account. He used a fake user, “Astereek”, which didn't mean anything, he simply took the "Aster" out of Asteroid and added some letters. “Astereek” only followed a few theater-related accounts, such as theater troupes like Arcland or stage play groups. He scrolled through the main page, reading through every post, until he found a weird account.
"Iroshi_Kumari."
That didn't sound like a troupe. After another glance at the username, he noticed a lock right next to it.
"Wait, a private account?" He sat on the side of his bed. "When have I requested to follow? And why was I accepted?"
Tsukasa was really confused. He thought he may have misclicked the “follow” button back in the moment, but he couldn't understand why he was accepted. He debated between two options: either he unfollowed, or he checked the account. Curiosity beat him, and he quickly tapped on his username. His biography only had a balloon emoji, “🎈” and a number, which Tsukasa assumed might be his age.
"So we're the same age?" That, if his assumption was correct.
He started looking through his tweets, which were mostly them quoting posts from the same sort of accounts Tsukasa followed. Most of the quotes were praising the good story-telling, music and staging, but there was a particular one that stood out.
"The story was good, but it felt very lacking in the musical aspect. The singers were talented, but I feel like the songs themselves didn't help with the story-telling. It could have worked the same without them, and that misses the point of a musical."
Tsukasa's eyes widened momentarily. This was about a musical he had recently seen, and Tsukasa shared the exact same opinion. He couldn't resist and replied to the post; it was a play he went to see by himself, so he couldn't talk about it with the rest.
After sending a reply agreeing, he realized that this "Iroshi_Kumari" person didn't know him, so it was pretty possible that he didn't get a reply black. Worst-case scenario, he would be blocked. In the best one, however, he might get a like on his reply, or maybe an answer.
Tsukasa didn't have to wait long to see, as a red circle appeared in the envelope emoji not too long after he had sent it.
"Envelope? So, a private message?"
He was confused, but opened it: it was the strange account.
"Hello. Tertwi won't let me reply." That was how the text started. Tsukasa read through it, and it seemed like this mysterious person wished to talk further about the play.
…
And that's how Iroshi, his nickname, and Tsukasa besame friends. He installed back the app, and during the course of the last months, they had been texting a few times every week, although all of their conversations were about the same topic: plays, musicals, etc… Not a single bit of private information had been disclosed; they didn't know their real names, faces, and his age was the only thing Tsukasa was slightly sure of. But still, it was fun. Of course, he could talk about plays and shows with WxS, but having another friend was always refreshing.
However, there was something Tsukasa couldn't talk about with his troupe-mates. It was a complicated topic to bring up; love. For some time, Tsukasa had been aware of how he felt about a certain friend. But telling him was too much for Tsukasa. He wanted to take that load from his shoulders, but the weight of the mere possibility of a negative answer was more than what his heart could bear. He could talk about it with some of his other friends, such as Toya or his sister, but there was a possibility - no matter how small - of a negative reaction, and he couldn't risk creating an uncomfortable atmosphere with his friends or at his own home.
But there was one person. One person he hadn't thought about; Iroshi. There wasn't a particular reason about why. He clearly didn't know him much. Damn, he wasn't even sure of his age or name. But maybe it was that distance and lack of information that made him a good candidate to know about it. They hadn't talked since Wednesday, and it was now Friday.
He opened the app and without thinking twice, texted him.
"Hey, I know it's not our usual topic, but can I talk to you about a somewhat private matter?"
He instantly threw his phone to his bed, causing it to bounce and almost fall to the floor. He wasn't sure if that had been the best decision, but there was no turning back; the app didn't let you unsend texts.
His phone vibrated and he quickly picked it up.
"Yes, of course! Did something happen?"
Now there really was no way back. Unless he deactivated his account, deleted the app and burned his phone to leave no trace.
"Aah, what the hell am I thinking?! It's not like I'm going to tell him what I feel. If… if Iroshi blocks me, then that means I dodged a bullet of a friend! Yeah!"
He calmed himself down with those words and opened the message.
"Well" He didn't know how to keep going. "There's something that's been troubling me, but I can't tell my friends about it."
"I see… I get that feeling. Do you wish to tell me?"
Tsukasa was happy that he seemed easy-going about It.
"The thing is, I like someone. But I can't tell that person."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"I don't know… how he would feel."
There. He said it. He said "him". There was a small gap of time where Iroshi wasn't typing, but had read the message.
"I understand it. It's hard to put it into words. I get how it is to face rejection and how scary it can be; but if you don't do it, I think you'll regret it."
Tsukasa was glad he was accepting of it and took a deep breath. Now, he could focus on what Iroshi had said. It made sense; he hadn't thought about it that way. It was true that if Tsukasa wasn't quick about it, Rui may start dating someone else. Unrequited feelings was a possibility, but he thought that confessing to Rui would be liberating.
"Is he your classmate?" Iroshi texted. "Ah, but I don't know if you even have classmates…"
It's true, Tsukasa had never told him anything about his age, although, maybe his doubt made it obvious.
"Oh, yes, I am a 2nd year student in high school. And… Well, he isn't in my class, but we attend the same school."
"Oh,so we're the same age." Iroshi confirmed Tsukasa's suspicion about the number in his biography. "But it's a shame you aren't together."
"No, not really." Tsukasa replied bluntly.
"Huh? Why is that?" Iroshi seemed confused. "Wouldn't you want to spend more time with him?"
"Yeah, but I feel like he's making me… Stupid."
"Stupid?"
Tsukasa hesitated before texting back. He was thinking about a way to explain with words why he felt that way.
"How should I put this... My ability to reason like a normal person disappears when I'm with him. I try to pretend that nothing is wrong, but with a simple word from him, I feel as if... as if I was trapped. Trapped by the way his mouth moves when he speaks and charmed by his voice. I get nervous, my heart loses control, and I attempt to hide my nervousness by acting confident. Because if I have him in front of me, my weakest side comes out… and I don't want him to notice."
Tsukasa slowly let his phone down and sank his face into his hands. He felt his cheeks grow hot and started sweating like crazy. Dropping that paragraph about the way he– the way Rui made him feel… had been both relieving and embarrassing.
"Is there a reason you don't want to show yourself to be weak?" Iroshi replied, without mentioning anything regarding anything else about the long message.
"Huh?"
"I don't want it to look like I'm trying to make this about myself, but the truth is, I like someone too. However, I don't especially mind if he sees my vulnerable side."
Tsukasa stared at his phone without being able to give an answer, trying to understand Iroshi's reasoning.
"Of course, love comes in all shapes and sizes… I think it's fascinating how humans express their feelings in so many different ways, even if everything is encompassed under the definition of love. I understand your point of view; but I think that the person you love has to be someone who you can feel comfortable letting your guard down."
Tsukasa was still looking at the screen, unable to think of a good answer. He didn't want to answer with something like “I see”, especially after Iroshi seemed to be giving the situation quite a lot of thought. Before he could formulate a good reply, Iroshi texted again.
"The person I like… Is quite an interesting boy. He gets excited easily with the stuff he likes. And when he speaks about it, it's like his eyes are sparkling. Whenever he looks at me and I feel myself reflected in his shimmering eyes, I'm filled with a strange feeling that I can only describe as overwhelming happiness. Whenever I feel his warm touch on my skin, it's as if the hands of my world's clock stopped. I, too, feel weak when he's around. But I don't mind it. It's not wrong to be weak, and I want him to notice that he is the one making me feel that way."
He smiled when he read that. It felt nice to see he wasn't alone, and seeing Iroshi gush about this person was somewhat cute.
"My, that was… a bit embarrassing." Iroshi texted again.
"Not at all!" Tsukasa tried to reassure him. "I completely understand what you're saying. That's also why I don't want to go to the same class as him… if I did, I wouldn't be able to focus."
"It's fun that we're both getting excited over something that isn't stage plays, isn't it? I'm glad we understand each other on this. But despite me telling you that you should be honest with your feelings before it's too late, it's not like I have done that."
So in the end, Iroshi was just like Tsukasa. Both had such strong feelings, yet both were too scared to open up to the people in their surroundings, let alone telling that special person.
"Can you tell me more?" Tsukasa asked. "I'm a bit curious."
"He always goes on about wanting to be a star. More like, he is sure he's going to be the world's future star…"
Tsukasa let out a confused sound.
"Pause. Let's rewind a bit…" He said out loud. "Who is stealing my catchphrase?"
He noticed he missed a part of the tex, as the confusion made him stop reading.
"... I mean, I don't think he's completely right. He's not a future star. He is a star right now. My star. He is always doing his best, and despite maybe not looking that way, he is responsible and reliable. I’m sure that there’s a bright future awaiting him."
"Future star? That’s interesting." That was all Tsukasa managed to text.
"Yeah. It can be a bit surprising at first, but he is an actor worthy of the stage. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, although it may have been obvious by the way I talk, but I'm the stage director of a small troupe, and he always strives to put the best performance out, following even my craziest directions."
The realization didn’t take much to hit. Oh, and it did hit. It couldn’t be just a coincidence, could it? Tsukasa’s fingers were stiff; he couldn’t move them. And he didn’t know what to say, but he had to be quick. Iroshi already knew he read the message.
There was a lot to process here. First of all, his online friend turns out to be, most likely, Rui. Then, he tells "Iroshi" about his feelings, but in the end Rui himself reads them. And the icing on the cake; Iroshi, or Rui, liked someone who was pretty similar to Tsukasa. Just like Tsukasa, even.
He had to think of something quickly, he couldn't stop replying, but it's not like he could let that slide. If Iroshi was truly Rui, he now knew that he wouldn't be judged, in fact, everything pointed to a reciprocated answer. But the small chance of all of this being a coincidence made him want to step back.
"No… I have to do this. Now or never!"
He told Iroshi to wait for a second, closed the app, and called Rui. When the beeping started, he knew there was no going back. But "Iroshi" had taught him that being weak was fine too.
Rui didn't take long to pick up, Tsukasa knew he was holding his phone in his hands, so he was expecting a quick reply.
"Hello, Tsukasa-kun. Is something the matter?"
The words didn't want to leave his throat. He had decided to show Rui his true feelings, but it's not like he actually thought of what to say or how to do it. The silence echoed in the call.
"Tsukasa-kun? If you're talking, I can't he-"
"Iroshi!" Tsukasa interrupted.
He could hear Rui let out a surprised gasp.
"I… I can't hide anymore, Rui. I really… really like you!"
Now that he had started he couldn't stop there. His brakes weren't working.
"I don't know. I don't know how it started or when, but before I noticed, I looked forward to seeing you every day. I kept looking for excuses to talk to you. The closer we became the more warm my chest felt. But it was never enough for me. I needed to be closer and touch you… I even thought of k-kissing you several times...! Whatever I'm feeling, I feel like it's about to explode. Or, more like, it has already exploded."
He paused for a few seconds.
"I want to be with you, Rui. I…" He wanted to say something else, but he was stuck. "I love you." He managed to say it under his breath, doubting whether Rui had or not heard
Tsukasa pressed his lips together and tried to blink back the tears that had inevitably started emerging from his eyes. He had said it all, after holding back for so long.
"Rui…?"
He could hear a faint sniffle from the other side of the call.
"So… It was you all along, Aster?" That was the fake name Tsukasa came up with along with his username.
"Y-yeah…"
"So all the talk before this call was about me?"
"C-come on… was my monologue just know not enough proof?"
Rui let out a small laugh.
"I'm really glad, Tsukasa-kun. I want to be with you too."
The weight crushing Tsukasa's heart disappeared. A big part of it was gone right after the first part of the phone call, but the uncertainty during Rui's seconds in silence had made him feel it again. As if the original weight was a ship, and it had dropped its anchor so as not to drift away.
"So…"
"Wait, Tsukasa-kun. Can I say it?"
"Oh… yes"
"Can I be your boyfriend?"
Tsukasa couldn't help but laugh.
"Hey, I don't think that's how you're supposed to ask!"
"Why not? Who says I can't?"
"Fair enough. In that case, I'll allow you only if you allow me to be yours too."
"Then it's decided."