Work Text:
Nile was fuming when she sat down next to Joe in the ditch to eat dinner. Joe took his time to carefully chose his words before saying anything.
Joe: "I'm no Nicky, but if you want to talk, I'm here."
Nile: "You wanna talk? Ok, let's talk about that pompous ass over there."
Nile pointed at one of the officers. The only reason why Joe, Nicky, and Nile had embedded themselves into this unit of soldiers was that they were trying to catch those soldiers who earned money by selling relics and other old artefacts. It was one of Joe and Nicky's pet projects to prevent history from being looted, something Nile was very keen on learning from.
Nile: "That pompous ass thinks it's more than ok to take all the credit for what his men did during the fight yesterday. And he doesn't care about those who were hurt or killed. He said it was their own fault."
Joe: "Don't know if it helps, but history is filled with those pompous asses..."
Joe stopped speaking and got a distant look in his eyes.
Joe: "Asses, ass..."
Nile: "With all kinds of respect for your love life, Joe, but I'm not in the mood to hear or talk about Nicky's ass today."
Joe: "That's ok. I think I got an idea to get the pompous ass down from his high horse. We just have to wait until Nicky returns."
Nile: "Ok, but I still don't want to hear about your love life. Too mad right now."
They didn't speak much while waiting for Nicky, but to Joe, it was clear that Nile was really angry for the first time since Lisbon when someone stole her handbag with the passports and papers they needed to smuggle out a family.
Nicky: "Have I ever told you how much I hate new boots? There are times when I miss wearing sandals during marches."
Nicky took off the last boot before starting to massage his sore feet. He could tell that Joe wanted to do it, and truth be told, Joe's fingers were the best when it came to massaging, but right now, they couldn't touch each other because of the mission. A glare between them said that Joe promised to give Nicky a massage when it all was over.
Joe: "Do you think you could make that mixture that makes your ass talk instead of your mouth?"
Nile: "Joe, I'm still not in the mood to hear about your love life."
Joe: "This isn't about my love life, far from it. I promise."
Nile nodded.
Nicky: "I think so. I need to look around the camp to see if I can find what I need. Give me an hour."
An hour later, Nicky handed Joe a flask with a clear liquid in it.
Nicky: "Whatever you got planned, only use three drops. If there is anything left after you're done, you burn the bottle with the liquid. Got it, Yusuf?"
Joe: "Promise. Be back soon."
Nile: "What's that about? And what's in the bottle?"
Joe: "I'll explain when I'm back."
Joe walked around the camp for a bit until he came across a Young Soldier fighting the tears.
Joe: "You looked pissed."
The Young Soldier: "That doesn't cover it. No matter what I do, I can do anything right in the Captain's eyes."
The Young Soldier pointed at the same officer Nile had talked about before.
The Young Soldier: "He asked for coffee, and I bought him coffee. He threw it all over me two seconds later, saying it was too cold."
The Young Soldier rubbed his hand. It was clear that his hand had a burn mark after the hot coffee.
Joe: "Do you see the medic over there?"
Joe pointed at Nicky, and The Young Soldier nodded.
Joe: "Go over to him while I talk with the Captain."
The Young Soldier: "Please don't mention my name. I don't want to have any trouble."
Joe: "I promise. Don't worry."
When The Young Soldier started walking over to Nicky, Joe set his plan in motion. Joe walked into the mass, where he got a glass of the Captain's favourite whiskey. After adding the liquid, Joe had gotten from Nicky, he found the Captain still bragging about his alleged deeds to his fellow officers.
Joe: "From your men. For a job well done."
The Captain: "See, my men, appreciate me."
The Captain drank the whiskey in one mouthful, and Joe left before he threw the bottle on the fire as promised. When Joe was sure the bottle was gone, he returned to Nile and Nicky.
Nile: "Do you mind telling me now what was in the bottle?"
Joe: "Wait a minute or two, and you'll see."
A few minutes later, they saw the Captain running for the latrine.
Joe: "I just gave the pompous ass some laxative. It will not kill him; he will just need a latrine for the next couple of hours."
Nicky: "We have used potions and mixtures many times throughout history whenever we need to immobilise people because it's a viable option to kill people."
Joe: "And whenever we use it on armies, the armies think they have dysentery, so be prepared to be tested."
Nile: "But people can die from dysentery; how do you prevent them from doing that?"
Nicky: "Time is the answer. History has given us enough maniacs who want to rule the world, so we used them whenever we needed to test a potion or a mixture. That way, we know exactly how much to admit in a dose. It's another thing you have to learn, Nile. Potions and mixtures."
Joe: "And I promise you, the pompous ass will be fine before you know it."
Joe and Nicky were right. Before midnight, The Captain's alleged dysentery was gone, but he had severe stomach pain for a week. It didn't cure the Captain of his incompetence at all, but during that week, Joe, Nicky, and Nile the time to find the soldiers selling the relics and other old artefacts. The last thing Joe did before leaving the unit was to make sure that all the complaints against the Captain were handed over to another office.
Twelve Weeks Later in Mozambique:
Nile: "And why are you smiling like that?"
Joe turned the newspaper around so that Nile could see the front page where a picture of the Captain could be seen. Joe handed Nile the newspaper so that she could read the article.
Nile: "He is going to jail. That's good."
Joe: "It's yes. Come, Nicky is waiting for us at the jeep."
Nile with a deep sigh: "I'm not ready for another trip in that jeep. Its lack of shock absorbers does nothing good for my back."
Joe: "Well, there are always camels..."
Nile: "The jeep is more than fine."
They reached Nicky and the jeep.
Joe smirked: "So, are you ready to hear about my love life now?"
Nile: "I'm waiting for the published version of it."
Nicky: "You should know by now that if you give Joe an idea, he will do it."
Joe: "And it will give me something to do during the ride. Maybe I should illustrate it."
Nile rolled her eyes while Nicky got the jeep going.
Nicky: "Just leave my naked ass out of it."
Joe: "Not a chance. It's the best part of the book, which I'll call: "One Thousand And One Nights With An Amazing Ass." Do you like the title?"
Nile didn't hear the answer because she had put her headphones on and turned up the music.