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“I have something to tell you,” Theo said one day.
“Okay,” Liam said, looking up at him. Theo looked very serious. “You can tell me anything.”
Theo let out a shaky breath. “Don’t panic,” he started, so Liam got, naturally, got worried. “It was a while ago,” he added. “Before us,” he said, tangling their fingers together and giving Liam a reassuring squeeze.
Liam already doesn’t like where this is going. “When you were homeless,” he says.
Theo winces. “Yes,” he agrees.
“Okay,” Liam said. “Hit me.”
Theo licked his lips. “I tried to kill myself,” he whispered, closing his eyes.
And Liam’s entire world stops.
He’s suddenly launched into a reality where Theo is dead. Where Theo had killed himself. Where they had never happened. Where he’d been unable to save Theo. And it doesn’t feel that far off, because Theo is confessing to trying to make it into a reality. And Liam . . . Liam can’t deal with that. Can’t deal with the thought of a world without Theo, who willingly left it by his own hand. He’d known Theo had been struggling, post-Hell. He’d never realized . . . he’d never realized it had been this bad. And he feels . . . oh, God, he feels horrible.
He’s sobbing before he realizes it, curling up into a ball and hyperventilating. Theo’s on him in an instant, but even his anchor can’t anchor him right now, not when he’s imaging a world without. A world without Theo. Liam receiving the news that Theo was dead. Finding out it had been suicide. He’d been too late. He hadn’t saved him in time.
He can’t. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. He can’t exist in a world without Theo. He needs Theo like he needs oxygen. They’re planning on moving into an apartment together next month. Theo has to be alive for that. Theo has to be alive always. He’s not allowed to die.
Liam is sobbing so hard he can’t hear anything, see anything. He feels Theo lift him into his arms and cradle him, holding him. It’s Theo, and it threatens to break him. He could’ve not had this. He could’ve not had this. He clutches onto Theo desperately, like it’s for dear life. It feels like it is.
“I’m sorry,” Theo is saying. Liam’s finally sobbing quietly enough that he can make out what Theo is saying. “I’m so sorry.”
“You can’t,” Liam cries. “Theo, you can’t.”
“I won’t,” Theo promised. “I swear, Liam, I won’t.”
“You can’t,” Liam says again. He can’t think straight. He can’t think of anything except for Theo dead, by his own hand.
“I won’t,” Theo said again. His hands are still trying to soothe Liam, and it’s starting to work. Theo is here. Theo is alive.
And Liam is making this all about himself.
“What . . . happened?” Liam manages to ask, not really wanting to know the answer but thinking he needs to.
“It’s okay,” Theo said, fingers in his hair. “Just breathe for me, Little Wolf,” Theo urged, and Liam couldn’t.
“Tell me what happened,” Liam said. And then, realizing how that sounded, “If you want to.”
“I’m sorry,” Theo said again. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m glad you told me,” Liam started. “But, Theo, how could that not upset me?” he asks, through his tears.
“It was a long time ago,” Theo said, which was incorrect for a number of reasons. Firstly that it wasn’t, actually, that long ago. Only a few months. It’s not like it was years ago or anything. Second that it didn’t matter how long ago it was; Liam was still terrified at the very idea. Beyond terrified. So cold he felt like ice had settled inside his veins.
“Tell me what happened,” Liam urged again, cupping one of Theo’s cheeks. Theo leaned into the touch.
“I love you,” Theo said instead. “I’m sorry for making you upset.”
“I love you, too,” Liam promised. “And you know why I’m upset. I can’t imagine a world without you, Theo,” he said desperately, trying to make Theo understand.
“It was a long time ago,” Theo said again. “You hated me then,” he added, like that made all of this okay somehow.
“I didn’t,” Liam said. He doesn’t know exactly when it was, but he knows if it was after he rescued Theo from Hell, he knows he didn’t hate Theo. Maybe he was trying to, but he didn’t. Not completely.
“It’s okay,” Theo said.
“But I didn’t,” Liam urged. “I was just trying to,” he confesses. He remembers, vividly, how that felt. He’d hated Theo. He had. But he’d never agreed with sending him to Hell. He’d wanted to do something, that day. He’d wanted to help, but he hadn’t, and he’ll hate himself forever for that. He just let it happen. He’d just stood there and watched. So what if he’d been frozen to the spot, and it had all happened too quickly? He still let Theo be dragged to Hell. He still did this to Theo. He still played a hand in breaking Theo Raeken. Because Hell had broken him. It has driven him to a suicide attempt.
“It’s okay,” Theo said again, taking one of his hands and intertwining their fingers.
“I wanted to help,” Liam whispered. They’d had this conversation before. Theo knew how guilty Liam felt, and told him he had nothing to feel guilty about. Liam disagreed.
“It’s okay,” Theo said a third time. It wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. But Theo was here, at least. Safe and sound in Liam’s bed. And Liam would never let anything else happen to him, not ever again. He would make sure that Theo stayed safe. He would protect him, just like he knew Theo would protect Liam.
“What happened, Theo?” Liam asked again.
Theo swallowed. “It was after the hospital, the first time,” he said. “I was living in my truck, and . . . it all got to be too much,” he said roughly. “I couldn’t get more than a couple hours of sleep until someone was showing up and telling me I had to move my truck. I didn’t . . . I was so scared. I knew there were hunters out there, and I was exposed. And then it felt like . . . it didn’t matter that I was exposed, because nobody cared anyway. I could die, and no one would care.” Liam’s heart tightened at his words, but he didn’t interrupt him. “Maybe no one would even notice. It would definitely be for the best. I didn’t have . . . anyone. And that was my own fault. I was lying in a bed of my own making. I couldn’t . . . none of it mattered. None of it felt like enough. I’d . . . .” He trials off here, and swallows again. He looks guilty.
“You can say it,” Liam said, bracing himself.
“I’d saved your life, and it felt like it didn’t matter. Everyone still hated me. You still hated me. No matter what I did, I knew it wouldn’t matter. Nothing could erase the things I’d done. And I was just so tired. Tired of constantly being on the run. Tired of constantly fighting. Tired of existing. My whole life had been pain, and . . . I didn’t see a way out. I knew I’d never change anyone’s mind. No one wanted me around, and I couldn’t blame them. So . . . I drove my truck to the train tracks, and I parked it there,” he admits, and something in Liam shatters. He feels nauseous. He imagines it, unbidden, and he feels nauseous.
He wants to say something. He wants to tell Theo he didn’t hate him, not after the hospital. He wanted to tell Theo something had changed for him there, and he’d seen a different side of Theo, one that could be good. He wanted to tell Theo that he would have noticed, would have cared. Even then, it would’ve broken him. But he doesn’t interrupt Theo. He just squeezes his hand once, reassuringly.
“I almost called you,” Theo admits. “I pulled up your number, and I almost called you. But I . . . couldn’t think of anything to say, anything that mattered. Anything that would’ve changed anything.”
If Liam’s already shattered inside, now he can feel the shards of glass. He wants to say something, anything. He needs to say something, to interrupt Theo here. “I would’ve stopped you,” Liam vows, voice thick with the glass cutting into his throat.
Theo looks sad, like he doesn’t believe him.
“Theo, I would’ve,” Liam urges. “I didn’t hate you, not then. Maybe I was still trying not to, but I still wouldn’t have let you kill yourself.”
“It’s okay,” Theo said.
“Theo, it isn’t,” Liam cries. How is any of this okay? How is his boyfriend thinking he wouldn’t care if he’d killed himself okay? But he won’t be able to convince Theo of that yet, not when he’s still telling his story. So Liam shuts back up, curling more closely into Theo’s arms.
“And then I almost called Scott,” he continues. “But, same story. So I didn’t. And then . . . hunters showed up,” he says, and Liam breaks all over again.
Theo hadn’t decided not to kill himself.
The choice had been made for him.
If hunters hadn’t showed up, Theo would be dead.
“What happened?” Liam asks, not wanting to know the answer but knowing that he needs to hear this.
“They had me surrounded,” Theo says. “It wasn’t a hard fight, not for them. So, they took me and they tortured me,” he shrugs.
Liam’s running out of metaphors for how much pain he’s in. It’s a living thing inside of him. He feels sick. His whole body feels sick. Werewolves don’t get sick, but he feels like his entire body is aching with some sort of delirious fever. He hadn’t known this. Theo had been tortured, and he hadn’t known. Theo hadn’t mentioned it, not in the months they’ve been together. Theo had just had more trauma, stuffed down behind his easy smiles. All this time they’d been together, and Theo had never mentioned it. Not that he had been suicidal. Not that he’d been kidnapped and tortured. And, if he hadn’t mentioned it now, Liam would never know. He curls in even closer to Theo, absolutely miserable at the thought.
“What did they do?” Liam asks himself ask.
“Is it really gonna make you feel better to know?” Theo asks, stroking a hand through Liam’s hair.
“No,” Liam admitted. “But it’ll be worse to wonder.”
“It was Schrader,” Theo starts. “I was with Jiang and Tierney,” he says, and Liam remembers. Remembers that day at the police station. Remembers being relieved to see Theo, unknowing what Theo had gone through before showing up there. He feels, once again, nauseous. He keeps feeling that way as Theo recounts how he kept them doused in cold water and electrocuted them. Theo tells him how he goaded their captor into turning up the voltage, realizing it was going to free their bindings. Liam was, on some level, proud of his intelligent and resourceful boyfriend. But, on another level, the thought of Theo suffering just made him feel absolutely horrible. Like he was sick, whole body aching.
“I’m so sorry,” Liam told him once he’d finished, feeling entirely inadequate.
“It was a long time ago,” Theo says, shrugging. Liam’s whole body moves as he does.
“It wasn’t that long ago,” Liam points out.
“I don’t feel like that anymore,” Theo promises, squeezing Liam’s hands with their hands that are intertangled.
“Tell me,” Liam pleaded. “If you ever do, tell me. You don’t have to go through anything alone, not even again.”
Theo bumped their foreheads together. “I know, Little Wolf,” he said.
“I’m so sorry that happened,” Liam says.
“Not your fault,” Theo says, even though Liam feels like it is. He should’ve noticed Theo was homeless, even back then. Where did he think Theo went off to? Stupid, so stupid. “Hush,” Theo says, reading his mind and stealing Liam’s trademark thing to say when Theo gets too in his mind.
“I should’ve known,” Liam protests.
“You couldn’t have,” Theo says.
“It’s not like it would’ve been hard to figure out, if I’d even been thinking of it,” Liam says petulantly.
“It’s okay now,” Theo says, pulling Liam in impossibly closer.
Yes, it was okay now. It may not feel okay, not after Theo’s confession, but it was. Theo had already said he didn’t feel that way anymore. That was all Liam could hope for, really.
He tilted his head and captured Theo’s lips in a kiss. “I love you,” he vowed. He loved Theo. More than anything.
“I love you, Little Wolf,” Theo promised.
They would be okay.