Work Text:
The world wasn't dark, but it wasn't exactly bright either.
It was more like a mirage of colours. Some blending gracefully together across the spectrum of the rainbow, and others standing out starkly like drops of blood on snow. Shapes had no borders and seemingly flowed and mingled together like they were long lost friends. Walls would bleed into streets and streets would bleed into people.
It was a dangerous and lonely world, but it was never too dark or never too bright. Just the perfect mix of a blinding flurry that would cause you to lose your footing in an instant.
Suga had lost his footing long ago, but it was no sudden drop.
It was a slow and agonizing descent as his eyes began to betray him. Things were blurry at first, but it was manageable. The world just had a slight tilt and shift to it, almost like he was gazing through plastic wrap or even the slightest of frosted glass. But the frost spread, starting with things that were farther away before inching forward. Suga often imagined that storm clouds were coming closer and closer, and with the rain, it would slowly wash away his vision as well.
Because you see, the degradation wasn't something that could be stopped, only slowed by glasses and medicines that his parents couldn't really afford. But they did it for him anyway, claiming they wanted their beloved son to see the world and every beautiful thing it had to offer, including himself.
Suga had been called beautiful many times, but he could never really take it at face value, so he just accepted the compliment and moved on. For some reason, as he got older he figured that he'd end up handsome or rugged, as farfetched as that was.
It wasn't until recently when he asked his friends about the nuances of his appearance. They simultaneously agreed that yes, Sugawara Koushi did indeed look like a woodland creature from some English folklore. Whatever that meant. They had said the words elegant or even pretty would work too, but they were never quite enough.
He knew that his hair was like the colour of silver and quite wispy to the touch. His body was toned, thinning nicely at the waist, given how easily and frequently his boyfriend's hands would rest there. He even had a beauty mark by his eye that was apparently to die for and completely adorable. His friends had a penchant for poking it so Suga would never forget where it was. One of his friends - the really, really loud bouncy one - even said the spot had magical powers. Probably.
Suga knew his friends names of course, but he often referred to them by their movements in his head. Their bodies and voices held more character than their names would, despite whatever meaning they held.
Asahi was sturdy yet held a soft and fragile core inside. (Kind of like these american candies Suga had tried once. They were hard and sugary, but with a chewy and slightly sour centre.) He was sweet, caring, his voice lilting with worry whenever something pricked at his nerves - which was quite often incidentally due to the nature of a certain individual who went by the name of Nishinoya Yuu.
Said individual was definitely one of those exuberant, bright, and always in motion types. It gave Suga a headache sometimes with how loud and fast he could be, but he cherished Noya nonetheless. He had a habit of running his mouth, but sometimes it wasn’t so bad. Once he had even compared Suga to this girl Kiyoko who he would never stop fawning over, and that was something special.
Suga had practically blown a fuse, and the soothing touches and mumbled compliments from his boyfriend really, really, didn’t help. His voice was just so smooth and deep, deep, deep. It ran cold over Suga’s fair skin, but somehow managed to heat it up all over again whenever he’d say something in that godforsaken voice that he’d use just to tease Suga.
Suga really had a hard time describing Daichi. There were too many things that could be associated with him, as well as none at all. He was a constant presence in Suga’s life. He was something warm and strong and safe. He guided him without question with his calloused hand always gripping onto Suga’s slender one.
If there was one light in Suga’s life, it would be Sawamura Daichi.
But, a light always had a shadow, and Daichi’s just happened to be a heavy one. No matter how at peace Suga had become with his swirling and ever colourful world, he always longed for it to just stop - For it to solidify and become crisp until things were no longer a slurry of confusion and an ache long forgotten.
He wanted things to be clear when he was with Daichi. He wanted sit on the rooftop of the school like they had in their first year to watch the sunrise before Suga’s vision really took a turn for the worst. He wanted to fidget with his old glasses again as he nervously held Daichi’s hand for the first time, the colours of the sky blending from dark to light like they were supposed to.
He wanted to be able to see Daichi for who he was now, who had had grown into, and who he was going to become. Mapping his features with deft fingers could only get one so far, and he knew he’d never be able to truly understand the sharp angles of Daichi’s jaw or see the way his chest heaved after volleyball practice.
That was another thing, because he knew he would never be able to play again.
He had many fond memories of volleyball and playing it when he was young with kids down the street. The feeling of the ball in his hands and being hefted from his fingertips was a feeling that was so ingrained in Suga’s mind, he knew he’d never be able to forget it. The sight of his friends spiking and receiving the ball like their bodies were built for it was something he treasured, but it was a murky memory. He couldn’t- He couldn’t remember what they looked like doing it, and even their faces were soon being lost to the blurry colours which Suga saw every day.
Even if he could recall the lines of their faces or the gleam of their eyes, it would be long outdated. Suga usually only thought about these kind of things when it came to his boyfriend, but there were times when he would think over memories and friends, but they would be nothing but a taunting, faceless, crowd. Their voices were clear, menacing and hurt all at the same time.
“Why can’t you see, Suga?” They would say. “Why are your eyes so broken?” “Have you forgotten me?” “How could this happen?” Suga could stand them all, even in his lowest moments. Well, all but one.
“It must be so hard, not knowing what anyone or anything looks like. Not even your loved ones. Not even your boyfriend-”
At that thought, Suga's whole mind and world froze. Before he knew it, his throat had seized up and his breaths were coming out in seething gasps. A shudder passed through him, rocking him from the top of his spine to the edge of his curling toes. He gripped at his pants like he was holding onto life, like it was the only thing that was going to keep him from drowning or being crushed in an earthquake or just plain dying.
His hands were his lifeline, it was how he saw, but right now the world was just dark and wet. His face was wet. Steady drops were making the collar of his shirt wet. He wouldn’t have been surprised that in his outburst he was starting to get the floor wet as well. Whatever floor it was. He didn’t even remember where he was anymore. He lost himself to the lightless void of thoughts he knew that were useless, but couldn’t be stopped anyways.
“Suga.” A voice broke through suddenly, but it was distant, coming from a place that seemed very far away.
“Suga”. There it was again, but this time it was accompanied by a hand that was too close and rubbing his shoulder in a way that a stranger’s hand shouldn’t. Suga instinctively jumped away but his back collided with a hard surface. He registered a dull thump and a small cry of pain that seemed to come from him before throbbing in his head pushed his thoughts forward, to the present.
“Shit- Suga are you alright?”
An unallowed groan slipped past Suga’s lips and he was dimly aware of his head moving in a nod to say that yes, he was okay. Except no, he really wasn’t.
“Hey, it’s okay. Come here.” With great effort, Suga stumbled to where he assumed he had been standing before, only to be pulled into an embrace that was clearly Daichi’s. The smell and feeling of what could only be considered home for Suga soothed him, and he slumped against the others chest, burying himself into it as much as he could. Daichi could read Suga easily, he had become tuned to every twist in his mood, so he wasn't surprised when he spoke again. “I can’t imagine what it’s like, so I’m not going to try. But I’m always here for you and I- I love you, okay?”
Daichi’s chest shuddered beneath him and a slow breath swept over his head, ruffling the ends of his hair and sending a shiver down his back. He held onto Suga tightly and slowly slid their bodies to the floor where Suga could rest in his lap. Daichi began to sway, capturing Suga’s mind in the relaxation of the repetitive motion. He focused on it. On Daichi. On the security he felt and suddenly, it didn’t really feel like he was drowning anymore, but floating.
Suga was floating in his own sea of colour, but he wasn’t alone. He didn’t need to see everything to feel, and he didn’t need to feel to know that no matter what, Daichi would always be there with him.
It took him a moment, but once Suga regained his breath he sat up, rubbing the pad of his thumb along Daichi’s lower lip before cupping his stubbly jaw. He leaned up even more and Daichi met him halfway, connecting their lips in a sweet and lingering kiss.
Even if he couldn’t see, he always knew where Daichi’s lips were, and that was enough.