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Is Dan Heng a selfish person? Most would likely disagree.
This sole adjective seems like the complete contradictory to what the Express had thought about their guard, who was always more commonly described as aloof or solitary, amongst others such as knowledgeable and rational as well, he decides to conveniently leave out March’s description of himself as, per her words, “cold but a softie”. Dan Heng hears these words described of him numerous times by both the members of the Express and the people of the planet he had set foot in to trailblaze; and he would agree with a muted nod. Most of the time, this is the face that he shows towards strangers and people he would keep at a distance. He had only gotten fond of the small group they had formed on the train; thus, Himeko can confidently call him ‘son’ despite not having any blood connection to each other at all.
But selfishness would never be something that anyone would associate with the character of Dan Heng. It almost seem impossible to even think of that because for all the time anyone close to him as known him, they knew that Dan Heng was the first to scope out danger and the last to ensure his own safety when travelling in groups, always gave up his portion to March whenever she wants something that’s on his plate, or even perhaps the space he calls his ‘room’ was open at any hour for anyone to come.
So why was he sitting here, contemplating over a small detail that slipped out of Caelus’ mouth that might not have even mattered to anyone. But he was fixated on it, mind racking for a suitable explanation as to why Caelus might think that way of him, well, he didn’t directly say he himself was selfish, but had fondly told him with his signature smile and a hand on his forearm that: “You can be more selfish, Dan Heng.” The touch still burns with a pleasant feeling and the imprint of the trailblazer’s hand still lingers on his forearm, as though his hand was still there. Dan Heng smooths over his arm, hoping to preserve the memory by doing so.
Dan Heng knows that he’s more detached than his companions, unlike March who had only grown closer and cling to the newfound family on the Express or perhaps Caelus whose indifference to a completely new, overwhelming world awaiting him made him fit in better with the members; Dan Heng keeps his distance and—not until recently—does he finally let his guard down a little and allow himself a small gap of familiarity and closeness to compensate for the months of isolation within the confines of the Archives. He knows that Himeko is urging him gently to go and interact more with March, Welt and Caelus, her caring voice overrides the hum of the machine in the small library, but Dan Heng couldn’t find it in himself to promise her something that he knows he cannot keep, for connections and relationships were never in his forte, neither does he find the need to form new ones aside from those he considers valuable.
He's used to the feeling of ephemerality, always on the run and never getting attached to something for too long or else it would be his own downfall. The shadow that looms over him never ceases its chase; never giving him room to breathe even during his slumber. He cannot let himself be selfish, because that would mean getting attached, and getting attached means it’s harder to make rational decisions than most people attribute him for. Rationality and emotional ideations never went together, and he knew that firsthand from running and running towards nowhere in particular, but enough so that the penumbra never catches up to him. The reason for this chase was created from his own irrationality in the first place, coupled with past connections which now seem like a distant, hazed over memory to him.
So, as he grips his forearm harder as though directly talking Caelus through his touch, he thinks he also can’t fulfil Caelus request of him either, he wasn’t the type of person to make decisions he knows he cannot accomplish or do. But guilt lingers in his chest at that thought, and Dan Heng wishes his own logical thinking would wash over the feeling in his body.
But as of late, it’s been proving difficult to contradict his previous thoughts.
Whenever Caelus returns to Astral Express, all battered and bruised from his missions defeating the Fragmentum monsters, Dan Heng immediately has the urge to fuss over him like what March does as soon as she sees the purple black stains on his arms and legs and says nothing about the dried blood on the hem of his shirt and matted on his hair. Dan Heng knows that he could not provide comfort the same way as Himeko or perhaps March could, but he finds himself having the urge to take care of Caelus, ever since the battle with Cocolia and having a spear burst through his chest. The man feels a rising need to make sure that the trailblazer was alright, and in proper conditions. This form of attachment he soon realized was starting to grow on him, and before he could dive any deeper into the rabbit hole, Dan Heng made sure to pull himself back lest he freefall into more troublesome things. And thus, he keeps his distance, hoping that his concerned and worried gaze is enough to send the message to Caelus that indeed he does care.
But it’s also proving hard to do so when he was tasked by Himeko to patch him up afterwards. March was never a good person to be trusted with a needle and thread; the most likely scenario, March would most likely pierce herself first and become the patient instead, so Himeko entrusts this job to him. “A guard takes care of the passengers after all.” Was her reasoning and he found that he had no room to refuse anyway, with his own chest warming with an unknown feeling that he would rather not name yet.
Caelus appears at his door at the appointed time, and Dan Heng already has the first kit opened for him.
The man takes note of Caelus’ disheveled appearance, his matted hair still tangled beyond repair and the rapidly purpling bruises causes a small wince to escape through Dan Heng’s teeth. Caelus only laughs sheepishly, calloused hands with cuts and scrapes ruffle his own hair in embarrassment and perhaps concealed guilt at worrying Dan Heng, but he is someone who only watches from a distance, he should not be the one to comfort Caelus and assure his bruises will heal. That wasn’t described in his job description when he boarded, yet his own heart aches slightly at the pained expression when Caelus tried to sit down on his mattress, resisting the urge to reach out and soothe away the frown between his eyes. (The temptation hovers in front of him, unreachable but right before his fingertips.)
He applies to salve, watches as it dissolves under the warmth of Caelus’ hand that he held within his own palm. Dan Heng controls his breathing, his stoic face never moving an inch from its normal expression but the slight purse in his lips as he feels the warmth emanating from the trailblazer, whether that be from the Stellaron itself or the crimson fluid flowing through his body, and lets it permeate through the cool skin, deep into his bones. Dan Heng tries to appear composed as usual, but the tender hold that he has while he patches up his stomach betrays his façade; Caelus only laughs when he casually mentions it to the dark-haired man, relishing in the way he responds in a dead pan tone, denying his claim. The trailblazer doesn’t speak anymore on the topic, but he leans closer to Dan Heng, as though knowing how the other tries to keep his distance away from him. His breath hitches, and the hand applying the disinfectant stills for a moment.
He moves onto applying the bandages and cloth, feeling the toned muscle beneath the pads of his fingers, itching to spread his entire palm onto his torso. Dan Heng looks straight at the floor and blindly hopes that the bandages hold on to its place while he gazes elsewhere, both for his self-control and for the image not to haunt him later when he’s in the familiar comfort of solitude. Caelus exhales when his hand patches up his chest, Dan Heng slightly trembling hand goes unnoticed by the former as he tries to place the gauze neatly only for the fabric to be lopsided, he apologizes quietly, and Caelus quickly whispers that “It’s alright.”.
And when he’s done, Dan Heng finally takes care of the matted hair with a damp towel, feeling the remnants of blood stain onto the fabric of the towel. As much as he wants to ignore the urge, he lets himself indulge a little and runs his fingers through Caelus’ now softer hair mindful of the few knots that persist, hearing the contented sigh that leaves the other’s lips and he bites down the need to hear it again. Once he’s all cleaned and bandaged, the dark-haired man takes no time to stand up and stalk over to his desk in an attempt of professionalism that he knows Caelus saw through anyway. It’s spelled out for him when said man quietly chuckles, knuckles resting on his cheeks as he looks at Dan Heng with mirth in his eyes.
“You’re way too gentle with me Dan Heng, even March is rougher than this.”
“I’m only treating an injured person how they should be treated; March often forgets that part.”
“What I’m saying is I’m not going to break the moment you put force on me, you can go rougher.” Caelus breathes out a huff. “I’m not going to break into millions of pieces and dissolve into nothing, you know?”
Dan Heng leaves aside the other implication of what Caelus had said, hiding the tint of red on his ears by pretending to run his hands through his hair. He looks back at the trailblazer only to find the same mirthful gaze staring back at him, before slowly receding into a softer look, hands flexing subconsciously as he twiddles with the thin quilt of the mattress. Dan Heng could only watch is baited silence, almost as though waiting for Caelus to drop the topic entirely and leave him to his own thoughts to ruminate over, but it was never that easy with him, Caelus was curious, although curiosity may as well kill the cat, Caelus had survived numerous occurrences with deaths to be able to render the statement false.
He meets gold eyes showered with the reflected blue lights of the Archive, only now noticing how much those colors contrasted yet created a beautiful image of the trailblazer before him. Caelus now stares at him, voice soft and quiet:
“You can be selfish, Dan Heng.”
Ah, those words again. Dan Heng’s breath stops momentarily, and he feels the warmth from earlier drain entirely from his body. He doesn’t have an answer for Caelus, or more appropriately he doesn’t know what the answer should be; because Dan Heng was never outwardly selfish, being so meant that he would have to give up rationality in favor of pursuing one’s wishes and whim and he knows how it will turn out, the all too familiar scene thousands of millennia back haunts his dreams as a reminder of his own blunder, the restless umbra that hovers above his head and weighs on his shoulders is a stern reminder enough, and he could never repeat the same mistake twice. He only looks at Caelus with a faraway gaze, not quite in the same reality as the man before him. Dan Heng takes note of the nervous gaze and anticipates that he was probably silent for too long, he cleared his throat, hummed passingly at Caelus, and returned to the Archives, just before wishing Caelus a good night.
He knows it’s not a convincing act, it could hardly be called one as he could feel the mask of the façade he wears start to deteriorate the longer this conversation drags on, and seemingly able to notice the sudden change in mood; Caelus stands up and moves towards the door, his footsteps still for a moment too long before turning around to wish Dan Heng to sleep well, leaving Dan Heng in the company of only his thoughts and rumination. The black-haired man clenches the fabric of his pants, brows furrowed in both conflict and confusion.
He wants, oh he wants it so much. To be able to break free of the shackles of his ever-haunting past and to just live his life as Dan Heng, not a Vidyadhara who once roamed with past companions and made countless regrets in that life. And as much as he wants to hold Caelus like he was something that only Dan Heng could have, he knew that if he ever shattered the man by holding too hard and being too greedy, then the fragments are his responsibility to be put together again. He cannot shoulder something he knows he’ll never be able to do, because he never had responsibility over Caelus, for he has no right to do so.
Dan Heng lives life with no appreciation for the everlasting despite coming from a land known for them, he lives through momentary bursts that come as quickly as it goes, like a flame lit only to be extinguished by the winds. Caelus although reckless and tends to live in the present, has a future ahead of him that requires the man to forever move forward on a path that Dan Heng couldn’t imagine him following. He cannot find transience within Caelus’ presence, but only the perpetual embrace that lies ahead. And with such a constant, he’s bound to be drawn in at a dangerous speed. Thus, Dan Heng leaves their undefined relationship tethering between the known and unknown, still an arm’s length away as with everyone else he meets.
That night, he dreams of nothing. The space in his room is much, much colder than it used to feel.
.
.
He awakens next morning; another dreamless night has passed, and Dan Heng could only appreciate the nights where his nightmares are not chasing after his rest. He barely slept at all, mind in overdrive as it relives the events of yesterday and dwells over the implications of it. He doesn’t have the appetite for breakfast, resorting to staying in his own room for the rest of the morning. His body feels clammy, joints stiff from the lack of use and his restless night; Dan Heng could only blindly reach for his railings to pull himself out of bed and spend the rest of the day in his room. After the event last night, he suddenly feels awkward to be facing Caelus, whom he had dismissively shooed away after the conversation had abruptly ended, leaving him with a rather bitter taste in his mouth.
Dan Heng types away at the Archives, updating the information collected from Belobog and the Underworld, immersed in the action that even March’s calling from the main cabin couldn’t tear his gaze away from the giant screen in front of him. As he records his notes, the dark-haired man ponders yet again; something that he’s done quite a few times these recent days, Dan Heng circles back to the word ‘selfish’, feeling the syllables and vowels wrap around his head and transcribe silently onto his tongue. Caelus wants him to be selfish, but what can he do when selfishness required the negligence of logic reasoning and an increase in emotional judgement, both of which Dan Heng was completely clueless on how to enact. Being selfish means that he would not be the ‘Dan Heng’ that the members of the Express knows, someone who is highly geared towards the objective, him being selfish would be the previous life that he had, which he now currently pays the price.
He never wants to subject himself or anyone to that fate again, being reborn had only helped him escape one part of his fate, but the rest cannot be so easily said like so.
Fleeting, the word has been his companion for the longest time he can remember; yes, he can describe himself as fleeting. He had only boarded the express as means of escape from his past and the ever-taunting presence of the man chasing him, he had never intended to stay for he had never been rooted too long to one spot, afraid of the distance between them to close and never separate again. He had intended to leave yet the warm smile from Himeko and the companions he had made on the train made it even harder to fortify his decision to depart, and it’s harder now that a certain trailblazer is making him rethink all his choices.
This suited him better, for he had nothing to hold onto and thus would have nothing to lose. If one day his past does come back and bite him on the neck, then he would be the sole person to take the brunt of the damage, he would disappear amongst the mortal realm without disturbing anyone at all, and that’s all for the best. Memories of the Express guard would be nothing more than a fond story to retell to future passengers and maybe some of its inhabitants may soon replace him once he sets foot off the train. Having nothing, possessing nothing, attached to nothing, makes it easier to depart. Makes it easier to say goodbye without the lingering regret of leaving everything behind and to never look back.
He can imagine it already, his final words to Himeko and Welt, his final consolation to the emotional March who would hug him too tight and too hard for his liking that he finds he doesn’t mind, and finally looking at Caelus who…
Who…
What would Caelus do, when he leaves?
Would he be like March, and bawl his eyes out trying to convince Dan Heng to stay despite already making up his mind to leave? Or would he stay calm and composed like Himeko and Welt? Waving at him from a distance as Caelus’ silhouette gets smaller and smaller until it’s only a dot on the horizon. He wishes he knew, because Dan Heng is sure he can never leave if Caelus had asked him to stay.
The man is only a servant to Caelus’ words because he knows that he won’t be able to follow through with his decisions if it was Caelus who had tell him to linger with the Express. Whether he would be crying or not, Dan Heng is sure his thoughts would sway and lose its footing, collapsing like a tower and the many walls that he had built up to keep people at a distance, it’s too late to build them up again now that Caelus had already invaded the deepest parts of the labyrinth. Smashing down walls with such force that Dan Heng has no choice but to accept the fact with concealed relief. He wants to be selfish, for once, and stay with them, stay with Caelus, and keep him near the deepest part of his long-forgotten heart, hold him close to his own body to feel the radiating warmth seep into his cold skin and bones again just like yesterday when their hands touched; the feeling weakening a part of Dan Heng to the embrace. If only he could rid himself of his old skin, shed away the past mistakes and regrets so he could start and dare to believe in the permanence of existence again.
He wants Caelus, he wants to be selfish about Caelus.
He finally realizes after a long contemplation, hands that were once flying across the keyboard long stilled to a rest, fingers absent-mindedly holding the corner of the page. He was selfish all along, such a word that he never thought could be associated to him, the feeling foreign and settling weirdly onto his skin.
He feels his rationality losing its grip on his reasoning like it was second nature, letting all of his pent up thoughts about the trailblazer flare alive like the spear he wields when facing off with Cocolia, their determined gaze burnt brighter than any star in the galaxy that Dan Heng had come across, and within the brief moment their eyes met Dan Heng felt like he was eaten whole by the sun; capturing both his breath and astonishment within a single glance. He feels his breathing hitch at the thought, mind slowly feeding him more images of the other man, some were of fond memories while some were undoubtably concoctions of his suppressed desires as he imagines what could have happened last night if he were to pounce on Caelus and were greedy.
He has spent his whole life running, and Dan Heng admits defeatedly that even his legs cannot carry the burden of this body for much longer if he keeps running with no aim in mind. The husk of his past although reduced to ashes and dust now, still lay its heavy weight onto Dan Heng’s shoulders. He finally finds the courage to start pushing the shedding away, his chest adjusting with the slowly settling relief and lack of weight. He thinks of Caelus, and how he could now envision himself running not behind, nor in front of Caelus, but together at the same pace. Embracing the newfound comfort in a constant. The life of solitude becoming a slowly but surely fading memory of who he used to be.
He takes a small liking to the word, selfishness.
For Caelus, he tries.
That day, Caelus comes into the Express once again sporting bruises and cuts, Dan Heng tries to ignore the way his heart burns again at the sight of his freshly bandaged chest and torso now ripped open like it was a completely new wound, the scaly scab doing little to cover for the damage behind it. He feels as though Caelus had torn it open intentionally, for reasons he know nought of. March frets over him again, this time making sure to hit him square on the head with her camera while she tries to use her Six-Phased ice to seal the wound in place. Himeko sighs can be heard from the cabin down the hall, looking to his side; Dan Heng could tell Himeko was fondly tired of their new member getting himself into scuffles all the time. She glances at Dan Heng, and her knowing smile is enough to let the dark-haired man know Caelus was turning into his responsibility again. This time, he finds the feeling warm, spreading through his veins like liquid fire.
Caelus looks at Dan Heng again, golden eyes averted quickly once he notices Dan Heng was also looking at him. March looks between them and huffs a sigh of practiced exasperation, before shoving Caelus in his direction. The other man sputters at the sudden movement, and thus not notice the way he trips on seemingly nothing, falling headfirst into Dan Heng’s sturdy body. He once again feels the warmth of both blood and skin on his own, a concerned gaze flitting over Caelus’ injured torso had temporarily snapped him out of his reverie and quickly takes Caelus back to the Archives, nearly missing the way March had snickered behind his back and not so discreetly took a photo of him carrying Caelus back to his room.
In the Archives, Caelus sits silently on his quilt; an eerily quiet atmosphere lingers between them, and Dan Heng resists the urge to ask the trailblazer what was bothering him. Usually, he would be upset over the most trivial of things such as not being able to dumpster dive and sate his cravings, but something about the heaviness in the air and the faraway look of his golden irises tells Dan Heng that whatever was going on within the confines of Caelus’ head held more weight than he assumed.
“…Are you alright?” Dan Heng finally speaks, his voice barely above a murmur.
“I’m alright, just got into a fight with one of the Fragmentum monsters.”
“I see.” came the brief reply, and their conversation stopped there.
Dan Heng usually doesn’t mind the silence, but now it’s becoming overwhelmingly soundless that it sets him on the edge a little, the man turns to grab the first aid kit, the action already familiarized by now. He immediately lifts the shirt off Caelus, which resulted in the unintended effect of the other flushing quickly at his actions almost about to snatch his shirt back when the feeling of thick fabric touches his clammy skin. Dan Heng carefully wraps the gauze around the wound, hissing quietly at the extent of the damage before closing it up tightly; his eyes flit over to Caelus and soften upon contact, so uncharacteristic of him that the trailblazer had to do a double take to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating the whole thing. Eventually Caelus settles back into the quilt and sighs as he feels Dan Heng’s deft hand ties the knot on his bandages and expertly apply disinfectant onto the scrapes.
.
.
.
Truth be told, he hadn’t expected this to happen at all.
Caelus rewinds the events leading to his disheveled appearance on the Express.
Following the events from the night before, Caelus had been overthinking the whole situation about his undefined relationship with the other man in question, after leaving the Archives, the trailblazer rushed back to his own room and buried his head under the covers, trying his best to erase the feeling of cool touch on his burning skin and light banter across the room. Because it hurt him, knowing that he’s probably only asking for further heartbreak by deluding himself into thinking that Dan Heng had some semblance of special care towards him, affection even. The other man had always kept everyone at a distance, and although this had only been one portion of the reason as to why Caelus finds him enthralling, Caelus soon finds comfort in the other’s presence and sees the hidden kindness beneath the complex layers that is his usual stoic façade.
So, seeing how Dan Heng’s implication for him to leave the room that night, not only did the hurt come throttling, but it made him utterly aware of his blurry relationship with said man. They’re comrades, but he wouldn’t call them confidants, Dan Heng shared little to nothing about his past, and as much as Caelus tries to coax him into saying more about himself, he’s left with a bitter feeling of disappointment when what he knows about the other man was also known by pretty much everyone who he talked to. That night, the dull ache of his wounds manifested on burning skin and in his chest, deeper than flesh, and he blames the Stellaron that’s keeping him alive for the cause of the pain in his chest.
And with a heavy heart the next morning he ventured out to the Fragmentum, summoned by Gepard at a request to chase away remaining monsters from their base. He needed an outlet to release his frustration and sadness onto, and so picking up his bat, the trailblazer set off to work, swinging the bat with a heat he never felt before from adrenalin alone, this feeling was coupled with a deep settling feeling of pain; it only serves to spur Caelus on to slay the remaining creatures.
But only to end up more scraped and battered than the last time he had been here.
He looks down at the deep wound seated on the gauze that Dan Heng had just changed him last night, a feeling of guilt simmers against his gut and gingerly Caelus lifts a hand to tuck back the remnants of what was supposed to be a carefully made dressing. The trailblazer winces at the sharp sting, Jarilo’s unforgiving winter was one of the things Caelus can’t get used to. Yet amongst the biting cold, he remembers the faint yet firm touch of a certain guard of the Express, and he sighs. Already anticipating a disappointed look on the other’s face upon seeing his once again thrashed up figure.
He wishes he can feel it again.
.
And now here he is, relishing the way Dan Heng’s nimble fingers trace across his chest and pin the gauze in place, blunt nails scraping down his sides for a moment and Caelus’ breath gets caught in his throat. He doesn’t even register the other man clearing his throat, holding his hand out so that Caelus can offer his own; right, his hand is bloodied all over. Placing his hand onto sturdy palms, the familiar feeling of cool skin against warm ones made Caelus flush, and try as he may, the trailblazer can’t exactly ignore the tender and attentive touch from Dan Heng and lie that it doesn’t make his heart leap, but something about this time makes it different. The actions are more firm, last time’s almost hesitant touch to his skin was now gone, replaced with precise contact that carried certainty.
It feels so different, yet the distinct touch of Dan Heng is still there.
Caelus shudders at the sensation, registering the cool disinfectant coating his fingers and hands, before enveloping it into a bandage. All methodically done without so much of a pause between actions, and their conversation never started again either, sitting together with no words exchanged; but to him it felt like an entire story was unfolding before his very eyes.
And before he knows it, Dan Heng had already bandaged up his body once more, the smell of antiseptic and iodine floating in the air and makes Caelus even more aware of their situation, even more eager to escape from the Archives, he feels his heart jackrabbit in his ribcage and for a second Caelus truly believe the Stellaron was activating to blow the entire Express up. Standing up abruptly the trailblazer ignores the way his knees buckled a little from pain; but quickly regained composure and muttered out an thank you to Dan Heng. But what he didn’t expect was for the man himself to clutch tightly onto his wrist, not tight enough to hurt but enough so that Caelus could turn around and look at him directly, gold meeting cold teal. “Stay, let your wounds settle down.” The other man tells him, and he finds it difficult to refuse. But staying with Dan Heng after the events that had transpired here only made more jittery, he can’t afford to believe in false hope if all it’s going to do is hurt his heart more than last time. So, he pulls away, body turned entire away from the black-haired man.
“Aren’t you so eager to kick me out every time I come here; I can go.”
“Who told you that?”
“I can tell, you like your space and I’m intruding on it, so I’ll leave.” Caelus starts pacing for the door.
Only for his wrist to be caught a second time, and just as he was about to snap at Dan Heng to let him go the feeling of a body resting against his back stuns him in his place. The other was resting his head on his back, while his wrist are held firmly by the other, Caelus dares not to turn around; afraid that he’ll startle the fragile moment between them that he too had been secretly hoping for. After a few minutes, Dan Heng turns him around, and the hand on his wrist travels up to his shoulders, sending sparks in their wake as his fingers contact his skin. Dan Heng had not spoken yet, merely opening, and closing his mouth, choosing the words to speak without revealing too much of his feelings like always, and a sigh escapes him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Caelus hangs his head in apology, his palm slowly placing itself above Dan Heng’s own.
“It’s alright.”
Silence hangs over them again, but this time Caelus is willing to be more patient to hear what Dan Heng has to say, shoving them backwards until the edges of the mattress finds his legs and they both sit down, hands still surprisingly left at their original place on Caelus’ shoulder. The familiar whirr of the Archives grounds them, keeping the trailblazer from wandering too far in his own thoughts and the weight of the hand on his shoulders makes him hope again, yet this time he lets himself indulge, perhaps bitterly thinking that this will never happen again and thus he should make use of the opportunity. Minutes, maybe even hours had passed before Dan Heng looks at his face again, eyes uncharacteristically open and vulnerable, that Caelus avoids his gaze for a second before returning them with a glint in his own. “I want you to stay.” Was breathed out quietly, if the noise of the AC were any louder the trailblazer would’ve heard nothing of it, the affirming hand under his shifted slightly, so that it caressed one of the bandaged parts of his arm.
“Whoever told you that you’re not allowed to stay, they know nothing. It’s true that I prefer to have my own space, it’s certainly true that I would rather have as little people as I can within my quarters, “
Dan Heng looks at him with a resolute gaze, gray teal burning into his memories with an intensity not unlike the flare of a nebula explosion.
“But you, you’re always welcomed in here, regardless of reason. Regardless of the situation.” The hand on his arm now rests on his thigh, and Dan Heng inches closer to his own, their eyes never leaving each other, and their breaths slowly mingled until Caelus was practically touching the other’s nose with his own. A flush dawn on his cheeks at the close contact, but the silver-haired man only felt more drawn into Dan Heng’s space, mesmerized by the words fluttering off his tongue and wishing to gaze more into the depths of his eyes. Dan Heng spoke with an unwavering voice, so much so that Caelus is starting to believe that this is all but a dream that he’ll eventually wake up from and relive the bitter reality of the truth, yet he doesn’t refute nor speak up about it. The trailblazer merely huffed out a single chuckle before resting his head on Dan Heng’s shoulder, not so subtly sliding his head into the crook of his neck.
“Is it true, that I can stay?”
“Of course, you’re always welcomed to.”
Caelus was supposed to feel happy upon hearing those words, smile until his face tires of his emotive facial expression and go back to bugging Dan Heng and continue their banters, but the man can’t help but feel something still missing, still left unanswered amidst their honest conversation. He resorts to hugging Dan Heng tighter, his whole body pressing his weight on the other man, earning a choked groan from the other as he half-heartedly tries to shove him off, only to five up halfway and return his hug. It feels so right, to just stay in the dark-haired man’s arms like he was meant to belong here, but a lingering feeling gnaws at the back of his head.
‘If I stay, will Dan Heng stay with me as well?’
‘Will Dan Heng leave?’ is purposefully blanked out of his mind.
.
.
Dan Heng doesn’t believe his eyes, he had returned to Xianzhou to settle past debts and grievances, finally being able to escape the shadow that lurks behind his every waking moment and sparing him not even his slumber, dreams of Blade chasing him were gone, and so were the shackles of his past that used to clamp around his ankles. Never would he imagine the day to come, when he could walk freely not as Yin Yue Jun anymore, but just as himself; Dan Heng. He feels the scales underneath his skin slowly start to recede back into his flesh, his previously long hair shortened like how it was supposed to, and his horns disappeared with a glow, leaving the flesh of the Vidyadhara buried into his own not as a curse, but as a bygone memory.
The cold winds of the sea fluttered by his hair as he sees his old comrades picking up themselves and recovering, after the intense battle, everyone was tired but that didn’t stop the General from laughing like they hadn’t just tried to escape death, his voice booming across the small platform and Dan Heng smiles, hoping that one day too would the General move past his own regrets and head towards a better future.
He looks back and he sees March and Caelus helping each other up, with March clutching her companion as the trailblazer dragged her deflated body to where Dan Heng is, eyes filled with an array of emotions; relief, happiness, anger…all of them contained and conveyed by a single glance at each other. The two of them tackled Dan Heng and grabbed the back of his coat tightly, afraid that if they let go the former would turn into specks of dust, never to be found again.
“Dan Heng! You’re alright!” March cries, he can feel the wetness of both her snot and tears staining his outercoat, “You scared us to death you know! Splitting the seas like that and ready to fling yourself into danger…Caelus rubbed off too much onto you!” She whines loudly and this time Dan Heng sighs fondly, patting the girl’s back in comfort while he looks off to his side, where Caelus lays unmoving against his shoulder, face planted right in the crook of his neck just like the nights before, he might’ve stayed silent, but the dark-haired man knows that the dampness of his laugh and the flimsily concealed tears betray his quietness. And Dan Heng is suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to kiss those tears away and cup Caelus’ face; smoothing away the frown between his brows, his hand reaches up but stops midway, uncertainty climbing on his back again, whispers of getting too close and bearing the fall of the inevitable.
Yet, Dan Heng doesn’t care anymore.
Whether he was still in the flesh of his past life, or simply in his reincarnation, he wants to hold Caelus to his own body indefinitely and feel the warmth seep through the very fibers of his flesh and soul. The inevitable might come, but he knows they’ll face it with each other; with his resolve solidified, the hand that faltered in the air comes to settle firmly onto Caelus’ head, and without his own knowledge, he finds his own lips placed on top messy and tangled hair, and never had he ever felt more at peace than now.
He doesn’t miss the way the trailblazer’s hand jumps from the contact, before lifting his head up in hopeful anticipation, “You…” Caelus whispers but Dan Heng only softly smiles, hand caressing the side of Caelus’ face and drawing him in closer until he feels the softness of lips and a content sigh against his mouth, the taste of dried blood causes him to groan but the feeling so heavenly that he was sure there was nothing nor any word that could compare to what he can feel right now. He feels even more wetness running down the other’s face, but Dan Heng knows those tears aren’t of anguish or sadness and he presses forward even more, savoring the surprised yelp from the other man.
They part not long after, and Dan Heng already misses the feeling of Caelus’ lips on his. The two rest their foreheads against each other, and the silver-haired man laughs airily, touching their noses together and leaving his free hand to hang onto the other’s neck to pull him even closer. “Have you finally answered my request?” was muttered breathily, his voice barely above the whisper of the gales around them and the dark-haired man smiles even more before closing his eyes and press their foreheads together once more. “I think I’ve let you wait for long enough.” Dan Heng answers, voice mellow and calm as the seas below them in which only spurs Caelus to pounce on him again, his grip tighter causing their bodies to become impossibly closer.
“Then, will you stay?”
‘Will you stay with me?’ was never spoken, but Dan Heng could figure out Caelus’ worries from the way he shakes a little against his frame. The slither of vulnerability passes through his voice, and Dan Heng returns the hug with twice the force, this time, he’s the once to bury his face into the column of Caelus’ neck, inhaling his scent as he answers with no room for uncertainty.
“I’ll stay, for as long as you need me, I’ll stay.”
Caelus lets out a loud laugh, and he smiles at the sound. Never wanting the moment to end.
“…Um, guys. As much as I’m happy you two finally resolved whatever tension you two have,” March suddenly quips up and Dan Heng flushes from being reminded that they are indeed out in the open and with March still hugging him to boot. “I’m still here, and I don’t want to be the third wheel to your sappy confession.” March snickers and flings herself off from Dan Heng after she had calmed down, laughing at the way both turned red at her teasing. Caelus gives him one last squeeze before running after March, trying to take her camera away and make her delete the photo she snapped of them. For once, Dan Heng feels his entire body lighter than a feather, he feels like he could float away if the wind ever picked up.
Footsteps come from behind him, and he sees red hair in his peripheral. Himeko smiles knowingly at him, her gaze quickly flitting over to the other two who are chasing each other in the distance, returning her gaze with a soft look towards Dan Heng. She chuckles quietly, before placing a hand on Dan Heng’s shoulder.
“Well, have you made up your mind?”
He looks up at her bright eyes, and he knows she already has the answer in her head, but the man knows better than to be silent when asked of a question by Himeko, so he smiles back at her; his eyes retracing their path to land on the silver haired figure before him. Ah, he’s really fallen too deep.
“Is the Guard position still needed?”
Himeko laughs without restraint, nodding at him before urging him to go back to his friends, Dan Heng takes off, feeling the fetters of the past dissolve with each step he takes into the light. He looks forward to the future, where there’s a permanence, a constant, in his life.
.
.
Is Dan Heng a selfish person? Most would likely disagree.
This sole adjective seems like the complete contradictory to what the Express had thought about their guard, who was always more commonly described as aloof or solitary, amongst others such as knowledgeable and rational as well. But until recently, this adjective has found its way to the people on the Express as well as Dan Heng’s own realization of his desires and wants. Most notably when Caelus is involved with anything.
The him before would’ve scrutinized the idea of him being overly attached to a person, warning him of the fall if he got too close to the sun, but what could one do when a single glimpse of the sun was so irreplaceable, and never could there be anything that could compare to it? If he lets go, then all he would feel is regret; and Dan Heng had felt it enough for the past millennia of his lifetimes. So, he supposes, being selfish isn’t so bad.
“Dan Heng! Come look at all these new Xianzhou books!” He hears Caelus exclaim from a distance, waving his hand in his direction.
“Alright, I’m coming.” Dan Heng chuckles to himself, closing the current book in his hands.
Yes, this feeling isn’t so bad.