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“…Hello?”
“Ah, I could sense that this is a short customer. For the low price of 1 million yen per month, you can achieve an extra five inches to your height! You just need to provide me with your credit card number—ah, he hung up.”
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“Tsk. For fuck’s sake, it’s two in the goddamn morning! In the middle of the fucking week! Not all of us are so damn irresponsible and lacking in work ethics that we don’t need sleep, oi!”
“Chuuya, I’m dying.”
“Is that so? Congratulations.”
“…Is that the only thing you’d like to say to me?”
“Blah, blah, blah, stop stalling and die faster, damn it. I’m already looking forward to the world’s pollution to be lessened by one stinky fish.”
“As expected of a dog, your measurement always has to do with your sense of smell, fufufu.”
“You might have already forgotten this, genius, but humans also do possess noses.”
“There’s something faulty about your nose, chibikko, if you can smell me and claim that I’m not the freshest person there is!”
“Just because you like to use the goddamn river as a cheap and natural shower source, it doesn’t mean that you’re fresh, damn it.”
“Oho? How come you know that I like to bathe in the river? Should I be worried that a depraved slug is going to stalk me by planting cameras all over the river, just so you could catch a glimpse of my beautiful body?”
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“…Ah, he hung up.”
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“WHAT NOW, DAMN IT.”
“Chuuya, it’s very rude to hang up without another word.”
“Fuck you.”
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“…He hung up again. What a rebellious little dog.”
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“Bastard, the moment I see you again, I really am going to kill you!”
“Mm, there’d be no need to. Since your mind is too small, let me refresh your memory: I’m dying, Chuuya.”
“Ah, that sounds nicer the second time around. Best news I’ve heard all year.”
“Oho? The splendid first quarter earnings of your squad pales in comparison to my phone call? I’m so touched! More importantly, I’m very disgusted that you think so… pfft, highly of me!”
“The only way I think highly of you is me thinking of kicking you all the way to the fucking sun.”
“Mm, it’s okay even if you don’t admit it, I know the truth!”
“The more important point is this, bastard. Why the hell do you know about the earnings of my squad, huh?!”
“The answer’s obvious! It’s because I have to know how much I could spend on canned crab, seafood buffet, bandages, and maid outfits that are chibi-sized!”
“What the hell is up with the last one?! I’m not your goddamn maid!”
“Eh, I was being nice by offering to give you human clothes, but if you really insist on wearing a dog’s leash instead…”
“That is also out of the question! Also, why the fuck are you the one spending my hard-earned money?! That belongs to me, damn it!”
“Don’t you know? Stingy people become afflicted by a karmic disease that corrodes their insides. This disease manifests itself by shrinking in height. Are you sure you could afford such a thing to happen, little slug?”
“If we’re talking about karma, you’re the one who should be afraid, oi! You’ve done so much bullshit that you deserve to be roasted in lightning for eternity!”
“Uwaaaa, why would you want to think of me suffering for such a long time? You really are such a horrible dog, not even respecting your owner!”
“Someone who thinks bandages are a nice fashion accessory doesn’t deserve an iota of respect.”
“Wow~ Chuuya, you’re expanding your vocabulary! Congratulations! Am I witnessing evolution in front of my eyes?”
“Wish I could say the same to you, asshole. But your repertoire of insults hasn’t evolved at all from a toddler’s. You got nothing but height jokes in that shitty head of yours?”
“Pfft, is that your way of asking what’s in my mind? I can tell you that it certainly doesn’t include a brutish slug.”
“I’ve had the misfortune of knowing you for years. I don’t ever want to know what’s in your mind, it must be full of horrible nonsense.”
“Chuuya, don’t say that. It’s not as if I’m thinking of you!”
“It’s best if it’s like that—that way, I won’t have to worry about my sleep being interrupted by mackerels who have no respect for someone’s sleep schedule.”
“It’s not as if you’re going to grow tall, even if you sleep, so why bother?”
“You do know that people do sleep for other reasons, right?”
“Is it because you’re so lonely and want to cry to your bed about not being as tall as me?”
“…Tsk. For someone who’s supposedly dying, you are so energetic, whipping up this fountain of bullshit.”
“Are you relieved that I’m not dying after all?”
“It should be my win, either way. It’s either you finally croak and stop infesting this world with your fishiness. Or, you don’t die, and you don’t get what you want, which is always nice.”
“Mm, it’s true that I want to die, but I’ve thought about it.”
“Hmm?”
“I want to die, but Chuuya must die first. That way, I can have the fun memory of dancing atop your grave before I achieve a perfect double suicide!”
“Disgusting.”
“Why, annoyed that I’d be even taller than you that way?”
“Calling your moves ‘dancing’ is an insult to the word, oi. I don’t want that shit anywhere near me!”
“I’ll have you know that I’m a very graceful ballroom dancer. All the ladies that I’ve invited to the dance floor have nothing but praises for me!”
“Isn’t that because you were too busy flirting with them for them to notice anything?”
“Uwaaa, are you praising my charm, little fairy?”
“More like, I’m amazed at the thickness of your face. You flirt with all those poor women, scam them into paying for your shit, and then dumping them. You may not be in the mafia anymore, but your crimes against womenkind prevail.”
“Ah, are you still mad that I keep on giving your number to those beautiful ladies? I’m just being a responsible owner, making sure my dog gets to socialize with others!”
“Having them hound me and cry to my ear is fucking annoying, oi!”
“Don’t worry, even if I have so many lovely ladies fawning over me, you are still my one and only dog and personal maid.”
“I’m not either one of the two! And I don’t worry!”
“Uwaaa, is this the confidence of a doggy that he wouldn’t be replaced by his master? How disgusting.”
“You’re the disgusting one!”
“Pfft, you’re really such an energetic dog. Being that noisy in the dead of the night… Aren’t you lacking in manners?”
“You’re the one who fucking woke me up with your annoying phone call, and you’re calling me mannerless?!”
“You didn’t have to pick up my call, did you?”
“What, and allow you to have an excuse to somehow hack into my phone and make it explode, just to force me to answer your stupid call?!”
“Oho? You think I’m that capable? I’m so touched that you believe in me that much.”
“You shouldn’t be. I believe that you can do so many nasty shit, it’s not meant to be a compliment.”
“If you must pick of a compliment for me, what would you use?”
“Now I really believe that you’re dying. What the hell are you talking about now?! You’re creeping me out.”
“Mm, did you get shivers, thinking about how to compliment me? Fufufu, what a cute reaction.”
“My whole digestive system shivered so much that I’m about to throw up.”
“Ah, but isn’t that because you’ve eaten out a lot with so many insects lately? Eating out while surrounded with filth makes for a bad stomach, you know?”
“………Are you actually jealous?”
“That you’re just a shorty, but you’ve been eating at five-star restaurants night after night this week? Absolutely! I’m the one who adores seafood, so why is it you who’s eating a lot of crabs lately, huh! And you don’t even bring any leftovers back to your pantry!”
“First off, stop trespassing into my apartment! I’m so sick of having to change my locks, oi! Second, I don’t have any obligation to feed you! Use your own salary to buy your own food, damn it, it’s not my fault that the Agency is full of poor scrubs with poorer salaries!”
“Mm, crime does pay higher. So, it’s your responsibility to pamper your owner, you know?”
“I’m not your dog! Plus, the only reason I’ve been attending those dinners is to thank them for their business!”
“They’re the ones who invested so much money, causing Chuuya’s squad to have a lot of earnings. And so, you’re paying them back by smiling at them and spending time with them?”
“For someone who’s supposed to be a genius, you sure are clueless about how business partnerships work.”
“I certainly didn’t pay them back by smiling at them!”
“That’s because you have a personality defect and think that acting like an iceberg is actually cool.”
“If I’m an iceberg then you’re just a tiny penguin.”
“—What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”
That question is directly screeched atop him, as a foot sweeps the air with a mighty kick. Dazai dodges it with a nimble motion, even though he’s still quite sluggish, given that he’s still dripping wet from his nighttime tumble to the river. Nights remain cold despite summer heating up the daytime temperatures.
When he sees Chuuya, he makes sure to sneeze towards his face.
Chuuya gives him a disgusted sneer, but it doesn’t really harden the image that he’s presenting right now. His hair is all mussed from the mix of rolling out of bed and bringing his bike with him to breeze through Yokohama’s empty streets. He’s wearing a sheep-patterned pajama set, and he’s apparently so sleepy that he doesn’t even change out of his fluffy bunny slippers.
There’s a light wet patch on his collar, which could only be one of the three: evidence of drooling in his sleep; crying at the thought of being not as tall as him; sweating in worry over his demise. Dazai refuses to accept any other explanation.
Thankfully, Chuuya doesn’t provide one, nor does he demand one from him. He simply sneers again, tries to kick his head off his neck again, and then failing that, he tosses a helmet his way.
“I’m taking your salary for this month directly from that Blond Glasses, as payment for dirtying up my bike and pajamas.” He says this as if it’s natural for a mafia Executive to be credited the salary of an Agency member, as if a joint bank account for two enemies is commonplace in this world. “Now, shut the fuck up. The only noise I want from you is if you’re going to play some nice rock music for me.”
Of course, he beams and flops to the ground, and resolutely doesn’t move until Chuuya princess-carries him all the way to his bike, and maintains that posture all the way to the nearest dumpster.
…Tsk, as expected, his dog is really so annoying.
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