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The day Sunghoon finally met him again, it was raining.
It wasn’t just any other summer shower in August, but rather, a torrential, relentless downpour. It was honestly a mystery how Sunghoon even managed to see him through the near-zero visibility as he was driving home.
Yet there he was. Walking in the dark of the night, in the middle of the rain, without so much as an umbrella with him. He was hugging his own body with due aggression as he trembled from being drenched in the cold to his bones. But more than the piercing frigidness, the guise of fear was evident in his slim frame.
Who was Sunghoon kidding? Any other day, he would surely recognize that figure in a snap. No wonder he’d see him under these circumstances too; after all, that’s probably what Sunghoon did best. Just looking at him from afar, that is.
Sunghoon pulled over closest to where the other was. He retrieved the umbrella he’d always kept in his car and immediately ran toward him. Once he did, only then did he realize how frightening it must’ve been to have a random car stop right beside where one was and for a random stranger to approach them. But to Sunghoon’s surprise, the other didn’t even flinch—though he was shivering—and instead, looked up at him with hooded eyes.
“...Hoon-ah?”
The whisper of his name almost went unheard amid the sound of rain hitting the ground. Nonetheless, Sunghoon heard it, and so he couldn’t help the small smile of relief that grew on his lips.
But that same smile turned into a frown almost instantly when the other spoke a different name after letting out a soft, pained laugh.
“Ah, Jihoon…” Jaeyun stared back at him, yet with rather clouded eyes. It was becoming more evident that he had been in the cold for too long, enough to obscure his senses like this.
Sunghoon held his breath when he was engulfed in an embrace without warning. Jaeyun clung to him like he was someone else , because what other reason would he have to do this anyway.
While he was uncertain of what was going on, Sunghoon decided to forgo his suspicions for now and take the older man in instead, deeming his safety the most important right now.
.
Growing up with his best friend, Sunghoon had no reason to doubt himself in Jaeyun’s presence. They had already bathed together, changed clothes at the locker rooms together, and even slept together on the same bed for years without question.
One thing’s for sure at the moment, and it’s that Sunghoon needed to get Jaeyun out of those wet clothes to keep him from dying from the cold.
To be fair, it wasn't like this would be the first time he’d see him naked, having been friends since they were seven. But some matters certainly put things in a different perspective now…
“Don't leave me anymore...”
…Among which is Jaeyun who can’t possibly give him consent to do so in his currently befuddled state, clutching at Sunghoon’s arm like a lifeline.
Not to mention Sunghoon’s lingering feelings for the older despite him already having his partner of three years. Who, by the way , is nowhere to be found right now.
“Jaeyun-ah,” he called while gently tapping his best friend’s cheek. “We're here.”
Jaeyun, who barely registered the sensation, still had the same words to whisper in his half-consciousness. “H-Hoon-ah. I love you. Please don't leave me.”
Colder than the freezing rain that racked his bones earlier was the icicle that seemed to pierce through Sunghoon’s heart, knowing he wasn't the one whom Jaeyun was referring to yet wanting so badly to be him.
Against his will, he replied merely for the sake of appeasing the other who was yet again panicking.
“I won’t.” He held Jaeyun’s face to warm his face up and try to pacify him. “It’s me. It’s your Sunghoonie. I won’t leave you.”
Jaeyun continued to lose consciousness the longer they stood in the hallways dripping wet with rainwater. At this rate, Jaeyun does not even seem to realize anymore how they just escaped a merciless downpour.
Without leaving any moment to waste, Sunghoon brought him to sit on the brown leather couch as soon as Jaeyun's weakening knees buckled. He rushed to fetch the largest towel he could find then came back to drape it on the older, who was gradually losing the willpower to hold him back when he left again.
By the time Sunghoon came back with hot water and an unwrapped bowl of instant ramen, Jaeyun had fatefully passed out. With a sigh, he finally set everything down and proceeded to wipe the cold rainwater soaking Jaeyun’s body, as well as the tears falling from his own eyes.
.
It wasn’t new knowledge that Jaeyun wasn’t a fan of heavy rains.
Just the thought alone was enough to send him into a spiral of anxiety, especially whenever the news would forecast a storm brewing. He was usually a person with an otherwise one-track mind, but once the pitter-patters of raindrops reach a certain volume, he starts to lose focus—either from trembling in panic or from frantic scrolling through the weather updates with impatience.
It started in second grade. Being stranded for an hour at a flooded bus stop on the way home, wet and shaking from the cold as the rain pounded on the thin roof didn’t bode well for a seven-year-old Jaeyun back then.
Like a saving grace, Sunghoon promptly arrived at the same stop, sharing his umbrella with him and taking him home. It was then that they’d find out they went to the same school and lived in the same neighborhood, among other things they had in common that they would soon discover among themselves.
And so ever since, Sunghoon had been there to accompany him through them when his own family wasn’t around to calm him down. Be it a warm embrace through the biting cold air or a lullaby amidst the loud rain, Sunghoon had done it all.
He recalls Jaeyun quipping about it before.
‘Everyone else says you're like Elsa, but I think you’re more like Olaf.’
Sunghoon laughs. ‘Explain please.’
‘You’re never bothered by the cold, but you give the best warm hugs!’
Right now, he couldn’t bring himself to chuckle at the memory, seeing the older’s body lying frail on his couch. Looking at him now with better lighting, Sunghoon could only register the faint bruises on both his arms and legs.
Once Jaeyun wakes up, from here on, Sunghoon will never leave him alone ever again.
Not even if Jaeyun tells him to.
.
In the history of humankind, surely no one had nothing to regret back in high school.
Not that all of humanity had ever experienced the three-year-hell, but that was beside the point. Sunghoon knew of almost no one who had no complaints about their actions back then.
Haneul, the class clown as he remembers, regrets not taking his studies seriously as he struggled to look for his place in a society that put education on a pedestal. Jimin laments what her life has become after an accident with her flings leaving her to raise a child alone. Heck, even Jiho, who finished top of the class, complains sometimes about not being able to enjoy his youth.
Sunghoon closed the old class chat room that had recently resurfaced. He laid his phone on his study table, putting thoughts of their class reunion aside. He ran a hand over his face and sighed for the fifth time today, and it was only three in the morning.
He was no stranger to regret himself. Especially when its greatest manifestation lies helpless on his own bed, breathing almost inaudibly amid the sound of rain hitting the glass windows.
Sunghoon wonders. Did Jaeyun ever regret anything too?
His silent musings were interrupted by a quiet sob that shattered the silence of the room. In an instant, he went from his study chair to his best friend’s bedside to see what was wrong.
“Jaeyun-ah?” he called. He waited for a response, only to find out that the older one wasn’t awake when he didn’t reply and continued to cry in his sleep.
Of course, Sunghoon knows. Even while unconscious, Jaeyun’s bad memories get triggered by the weather and give him nightmares. Sunghoon has slept with him enough times to know how it happens.
But nothing prepared him for what he heard next.
“Hoon-ah…” Jaeyun whispered. “Please come back.”
All his life, Jaeyun never called him by his name; it was always one among his wide collection of Sunghoon’s nicknames. He only ever called him by his actual name twice: on the first time they met, and on the last, right before Sunghoon never saw him again.
He had every reason to believe that Jaeyun was calling for him, but also had every reason not to get his hopes up.
.
At this rate, Sunghoon had gone in circles in his entire apartment, trying to find peace within himself to warrant a good night’s sleep for his morning classes at uni. But alas, time has its limitations, and his glow-in-the-dark wall clock almost glared at him displaying the time: 4:27 am.
He’d attempted to distract himself by scrolling through his phone, watching television, eating the instant ramen he brought earlier, and even trying to tire himself running on his treadmill. But at the back of his mind, he knew he couldn’t fool himself with the striking presence of his guest filling the gaps inside his aching heart. All of a sudden, the house that was too big for one person felt too small for two.
“You wound me, Jaeyun-ah,” Sunghoon muttered with an empty laugh, typing away at his laptop to request a leave of absence for the day.
.
‘You're a goddamn fool.’
And it’s not like Sunghoon didn’t know that. As he stared at his 17-year-old reflection in the mirror lit by the golden rays of gentle sunlight, he almost saw the words “stupid fool” written on his forehead in bold, capital letters. He chuckled dryly, putting on his cardigan instead and brushing aside the voice of reason in his head.
August 1st. Today marks the day he would concoct the biggest mistake he’ll ever make in his whole life.
One thing about regret is that it doesn’t come easily to those who are none the wiser. But for someone who already knew what was supposed to happen later, Sunghoon only comes across as downright foolish right now. Yet somehow, he clutched his car keys with sheer excitement.
The scrape of skateboard wheels against concrete signaled the much-awaited arrival of the person he’d been expecting since last night.
When he opened the front door, he was greeted with a smile he knew all too well, blinding enough to rival the warmth of the morning sun. Happiness, Sunghoon presumed, came in the form of a singsong voice, ever-welcoming arms, and sparkly monolid eyes that disappear with wide grins and an eye smile.
“Good morning, Hoon-ah!” And with that, Sunghoon was enveloped in a hug, just one among the many ones he’d received, but never thought he’d ever lose.
Jaeyun picked up the skateboard he set on the wall beside the door, about to set it back down towards the road, but then recognized the jingling of keys on Sunghoon’s hand.
“You’re using your car?” He visibly deflated, almost like his nonexistent puppy ears laid flat over his head. And as if Sunghoon could see them, he ruffled the top of his best friend’s hair to dissipate his worry of not being able to walk together.
“ We’re using my car.” Sunghoon took his backpack and dragged him along with a hand on his wrist, disregarding Jaeyun’s shouts of 'Hey!' right behind him. By the time they’d sat inside the vehicle, Jaeyun let out noises of protest.
“Isn’t this too much?” he complained, watching Sunghoon fumble with the gear and pull them out of the garage. When he got no reply, he continued in a mutter to himself that didn’t go unheard by his companion, “We’re just pretending though… You don't need to take it seriously.”
Sunghoon only turned back to him by the time the car was out. Jaeyun clutched his skateboard to his chest out of instinct when the younger leaned over to put his seatbelt on.
“If we don’t take it seriously…” Sunghoon spoke, removing Jaeyun's arms from his chest to fix his seatbelt, “How can you expect Jihoon to get jealous?”
For an entire minute, Jaeyun stared back at him wide-eyed, words stuck on his lips. After a while, he settled back into another one of his comforting smiles and relaxed on the passenger seat.
“You’re crazy,” Jaeyun concluded with a giggle. “But that’s okay. I like you for that.”
.
Days turned into weeks. Sunghoon recalls the conversation that started it all like it was yesterday.
In a sleepover of friends filled with fleeting emotion and impulsive spirits, the topic of relationships rarely gets out of touch. Not even with two best friends who saw each other grew up in front of their own eyes.
“Are you sure?” Jaeyun spoke in a whisper. Almost like he was afraid to breach into Sunghoon’s personal space for the very first time. Afraid to even ask something as sinister as to help him deceive someone else to earn their affection.
In the soft taps of raindrops on the roof that night, Jaeyun found something even more frightening, which he still couldn’t quite name. But it was evident to both of them that Sunghoon was probably scared too, if the way he whispered back was any indication.
“Never have I ever before.”
None of them mentioned the shared intuition that they were both holding back from something. Either they just didn’t know about it enough to bother, or they didn’t want to set themselves up for something they will regret.
Unfortunately, life just doesn’t always work how people want, no matter how hard they try to figure it out.
From that day on, everyone had witnessed their shows of not-so-secret hand-holding, lunch dates, and sunkissed picnics lacing their final days of high school.
And if everyone were being honest, it’s like nothing ever changed for them at all.
It was fair. After all, only Sunghoon probably knew how his days changed for the better.
No one else saw the shared kisses hidden away in twisted bedsheets.
Nobody cared to ask about his agitation increasing day by day for every moment Jaeyun wasn’t by his side.
None of them noticed how he longed to be with Jaeyun for the rest of his life, watching him spinning on tiptoes on the night of the summer dance.
No one needed to know how Jaeyun affected his life so much, canceling his plans to meet behind the mall, to always try to be on-call whenever Jihoon was near.
He was stuck on a high and he never wanted to go down. His days were filled with an immense thrill of never knowing what would happen next, built up by the satisfaction of living without a care and actually enjoying it.
Sunghoon didn’t know it was about to end until the day it actually came, in the form of just another one of the calls he patiently waited for every single day.
Still in their usual spot behind the mall, on the last day of high school, Jaeyun stood before him. Ever so beautiful despite the soulless eyes that gazed right at him, in a parking lot that was notably empty after the harsh outpour they braved together last night.
“Never talk to me again,” spoken in a voice devoid of its distinctive lilt.
Sunghoon knew he was set for heartbreak from the moment their plan came to fruition. But while he knew he would have to let his love go, he never thought it would take Jaeyun away from him too.
Jaeyun, who was never his.
When the first leaf of autumn had fallen after Jaeyun got out of his car for the last time, warmth also seemed to have left Sunghoon’s life forever.
.
Park Sunghoon, now twenty, prided himself in his self-control and discipline, especially when it comes to following his established routines.
But it’s not everyday that he sees his best friend he hadn’t seen in three years, so he fell into a mess reminiscent of the first night they weren’t together.
If it were about someone else, he probably wouldn’t be as he is right now: pacing around restlessly, nerves all over the place, and heart threatening to escape from his chest. Not a single form of distraction proved effective to calm him down tonight. Not even a cup of peppermint tea that almost always worked when he was catching up on lost sleep, so here he was, downing a can of beer at quarter past five in the morning.
He didn't feel this nervous taking his college exams. But back then at least, he came prepared, knew what he came there for, and left there successfully.
How was he going to talk to Jaeyun again? Worse, is it even right to do so?
It would be impossible to not speak to him at all. At some point, Sunghoon had to explain how they both got here together in the first place. It was only a matter of time.
In an effort to quell his anxiety, he decided to take his second shower in the span of hours. He set out for the bedroom to fetch some clothes to change with, hoping to be prepared for the fateful reunion at the very least.
But when he opened the door, lit by the faint light of the incoming dawn was Jaeyun, sitting up awake on his bed with the blanket wrapped around his body.
It was nothing like how Sunghoon’s mind played it out. There were no screaming involved, no harsh glares of disgust, no thrashing that warranted the older escaping like he despised the thought of even being here with Sunghoon.
In fact, it was safe to say that nothing happened. For a good five minutes, they sent longing glances over the other’s way, without ever saying a word.
Only drips in the roof of what was left from last night’s downpour graced their silence. And though both did not expect it, they finally spoke at the same time.
“Hoon-ah.”
“Jaeyun-ah.”
It was enough to leave them both still as a rock. But somehow, the pang in Sunghoon’s heart did not compare to the pain in Jaeyun’s, who only heard him properly now for the first time in three years.
“Hoon-ah,” Jaeyun called again with unshed tears, as if he didn't know what else to say. He probably didn't, when Sunghoon stood there just as speechless.
Sunghoon couldn't find it in himself to just up and leave and continue doing what he had planned. Jaeyun looked at him in a way he never had before, not even when they were still together.
He’d seen him sad many times before, but never yet this devastated.
Whatever could that fucker Jihoon have done to render Jaeyun this broken?
From the looks of it, Jaeyun seemed even more afraid of seeing him than the other way around. But he couldn't help but reach out for Sunghoon either.
“Am I dreaming?” A lone tear finally fell on Jaeyun’s face. “I-Is that really you? S-Sunghoonie?”
It was not a dream. Jaeyun was calling for him. Not someone else.
With utmost care, Sunghoon approached him. Rather than to sit beside him on the bed, the younger went to kneel from a short distance in front of him. Even then, Jaeyun flinched when he came closer at a meter away.
“It's me, Jaeyun-ah,” Sunghoon tried again. By now, Jaeyun was breathing in heavy pants. He was crying, but then again, he was also panicking.
If there’s anything Sunghoon knew from staying by his side for years, the only thing that could calm Jaeyun down was to hear him sing.
And so he did, pushing back everything in favor of sending themselves back to three years ago.
‘When the moon shines on me… oh it’s bright…’
Like magic, Jaeyun’s panic subsided almost immediately. All of a sudden, they were brought back into starless nights spent together in Jaeyun’s room, limbs tangled into one another.
‘Tonight is long and the two of us… we ain't getting older…’
He went on, little by little coming by to pull the older one in his embrace.
‘Tell me, can we stay forever?’
He continued to sing as he held Jaeyun, finally at peace sleeping in his arms. When he ended, he took the liberty of admiring his sleeping best friend again, for the first time in a very long while.
‘Answer me, can we lay forever?’
.
Every so often, Sunghoon marvels about the times fate brought Jaeyun and him together.
Moving out from their old home back when he was seven, it was a stroke of serendipity that Jaeyun’s family moved about the same time into the same neighborhood, coming all the way from Australia. Just a month after Sunghoon had settled into the unfamiliar environment, they met again in a fateful encounter at the bus stop that changed both of their lives.
When he was stuck in the school gym by himself with a pounding headache, Jaeyun happened to pass by to borrow some sports equipment. And when Jaeyun got screamed at by his manager on his first job at the yogurt shop downtown, Sunghoon happened to enter and came to his rescue.
For the last three years, Sunghoon avoided entertaining those coincidences, or else he’d burst into tears. But as if the universe took mercy on two lonely souls, they finally met again. It was like all along, there was some invisible string tying Jaeyun to him.
Sunghoon sat on the chair which he now moved right beside his bed, all in favor of observing Jaeyun's sleeping form.
He used to lie with his limbs sprawled out, hogging the entire bed. But now, he barely even moved and lay flat on his back. Perhaps he didn’t want to jostle the injuries on his wrists and legs as he slept.
Sunghoon could only hope dreamland took him to a much better place.
Unlike earlier when he spent his time getting away from Jaeyun's presence, he finally decided to stay here right beside his best friend until he woke up. Insecurities be damned, he merely wanted to finally be just there.
From here on, once Jaeyun wakes up, he will never leave him ever again.
The moment he’d been waiting for came by in a matter of minutes. The older had just opened his eyes, yet they already seemed exhausted enough as though he hadn’t slept properly in weeks.
In contrast to his tired eyes were Sunghoon’s, expectant to meet his. While he didn’t look as terrified of him as he was earlier, the younger noted how he averted his gaze to anywhere else but him.
Jaeyun sighed and lay for a while, his hands bunching up on the duvet in silent search of comfort. With his eyes shut, he let out a dry chuckle for the first time since they met.
If it weren’t even evident before, Sunghoon could testify how Jaeyun seemed sapped out of all his prior vitality. Like he was now a shell of himself.
“I didn’t think you’d care if I came back.”
The voice Jaeyun spoke with was barely above a whisper, but Sunghoon caught it. The same way he did when the older tried to stand, only to end up crashing into the younger’s arms from his pain.
A moment of silence settled between them despite both wanting to say too much. In the end, Jaeyun spoke up again.
“H-Hoon-ah,” he whispered, voice already starting to crack. But he had a grateful smile gracing his chapped lips. “Let me go.”
Without a reply, Sunghoon brought both of them to sit on the mattress. Jaeyun’s smile was replaced with a confused expression, albeit he already knew the thoughts running through his best friend’s mind.
“No,” Sunghoon finally replied simply. At that point, both of them already knew what he meant. But somehow, Jaeyun, for the life of him, cannot accept it for how it is, putting due effort into shifting it to something else.
“The rain is gone, Sunghoonie,” he reasoned again, tone apologetic. As if he was talking to the seventeen-year-old Sunghoon beneath the one in front of him.
“I’m not supposed to be here with you.”
There it was, the glaring reminder that Sunghoon could never be worthy of staying by Jaeyun’s side. But for the first time, he wanted to be fearless, if it meant not losing Jaeyun ever again.
“Why not?” Only when Jaeyun gingerly wiped away a tear on his own face did Sunghoon realize he was crying by now. He almost believed the other meant to be gentle, if only he weren’t nursing multiple bruises both in his body and soul.
“I can’t…” Jaeyun answered. Sunghoon knew just by looking straight into his eyes that he was still scared of his presence, yet he basked in the fact that Sunghoon still hadn't sent him away. At least with that, maybe he would know that Sunghoon never hated him.
“You– You don’t want me in your life anymore?” Though he meant to be brave, he couldn’t imagine how he could even take whatever response he would get.
“God. I do!”
The older was now shaking with eyes watering up, while he was still held in Sunghoon’s arms. He clutched at the younger’s shoulders like a lifeline, and Sunghoon lamented how he barely felt the same strength in his grip.
“I love you, Sunghoon, I always have. Not a single day passed that I didn’t ache to see you again. Every day, I wished that you were doing much better than me. Every day, I got up thinking we will meet again one day, and that was enough to keep me going. To keep me from giving up, even though Jihoon made it so hard for me to want to keep living. Even though every single day felt like absolute hell without you.”
Jaeyun chuckled bitterly, words getting interrupted by his sobs. He had just dropped a bomb at what Sunghoon had been wondering about all along, but at this rate, he didn't even look like he cared, all in favor of spilling all his raw sentiments with due ardor.
“I want you in my life, Hoon-ah, I still do. So bad. I want you back, I–I want you back so bad…”
He let his forehead hit against Sunghoon’s shoulder and continued to cry. When Sunghoon held him tight in his arms, afraid to let go, Jaeyun didn’t find it in himself to fight against it anymore. At least for now, he thinks, he gets to be held like this again.
“But it’s okay, Hoon-ah. Our coming-of-age has come and gone. This is our life now. We don’t always get what we want.”
Unwilling to indulge Jaeyun’s thoughts, Sunghoon refused to reply, only holding him to make up for almost losing half of his life.
“But if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.”
Jaeyun patted the other’s back with trembling hands. An attempt for comfort, but also an unwilling and half-hearted plea to let him go.
“I don’t deserve you back in my life, Hoon-ah,” he whispered. “The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you. I have to spend the rest of my life living with that guilt. So please, please stop waiting for someone like me. I’m not worth it.”
Having waited the whole time for Sunghoon to release him, Jaeyun took the opportunity to stand up the second he felt the younger’s grip loosen. But he didn’t get far anyway, because no sooner had he tried to get away than he felt a hand around his wrist pulling him back. He remained fixed on his feet, avoiding Sunghoon’s gaze which he felt on the back of his head.
“Then my worst mistake is leaving you behind, Jaeyun-ah,” Sunghoon spoke. “And I’m not about to make the same mistake again.”
He heard a rustle of fabric behind him but failed to realize when Sunghoon stood up and made him face him, dark eyes reflecting Jaeyun’s own deep-seated yearning for the man before him.
“I lay awake at night, playing back myself leaving. I get sleepless, worried sick that you’re all by yourself, petrified, with no one else knowing how to comfort you when it rains harder than you could take. I thought I was ready to let you go, but you left a void in my heart I couldn’t fill with anything else.”
Sunghoon’s hands went to hold Jaeyun’s. “It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you.” His voice was wavering, lip trembling from poorly-hidden fear and desolation. “I could never be free without missing you, Jaeyun-ah. All I want is to be able to love you again, so please, just let me give it to you. I never needed anything more.”
Jaeyun felt the grip on his hands tighten, but not enough to hurt him. It pained him to think how Sunghoon practically begged for him by now, but still left him the chance to walk away if he wanted to.
“I’d go back in time to change it, but I can’t. So please, Jaeyun-ah. Let me love you better now. Let me make it right.”
If there was anything else that hurt him before this very moment, certainly it couldn’t compare to the thin thread of hope flashing through Sunghoon’s eyes. Jaeyun couldn’t bear to see it get lost forever.
Still, he hesitated.
“Shh, Sunghoonie…” He wiped away the younger’s tears using the hem of the painfully familiar hoodie he was wearing. He had gifted this to Sunghoon himself. “The rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.”
“Then I’d meet you in the pouring rain.”
It took everything in Jaeyun to not fall to his knees. In an empty effort to still convince Sunghoon otherwise, he muttered.
“But I could never give you peace.”
Sunghoon, even with his vision obscured with welling-up tears, broke out in a wobbly grin.
“That’s okay. I love you for that.”
With a surge of courage coursing through his veins, Jaeyun does the bravest thing he had ever done in his whole life. He leaned forward and stood on his tiptoes, holding Sunghoon’s face in between his hands.
As his gentle kiss lingered on Sunghoon’s forehead for a while, for the first time in three long years, they finally felt at peace.
.
When the first leaf of autumn fell that year, Sunghoon didn’t have to worry anymore about the warmth leaving his life as he walked his Jaeyun into his car.
Driving down the road, he tried so hard not to get too caught up in the moment. But as Jaeyun sent a curious smile at him while running a hand through his hair, Sunghoon didn’t know how it could get any better than this.
It’s not like he will ever let it go again.