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Ashley is woken at 2 in the morning by her phone ringing on the bedside table. Groggy and barely awake, she reads the caller ID, 'Em', before picking up.
"Em? You okay?"
On the other end is the sound of laboured breathing.
"Em? You there?"
"Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just..."
Ashley sits up in her bed, turning the light on. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I just... didn't know who else to call. Fuck, I shouldn't have called you, it's one in the freaking morning-"
"Em, what happened?"
"Nothing.... just a fucked up dream, I just, freaked out and called you but I shouldn't have, okay? Sorry I woke you up."
A hang up tone follows. Ashley gets in her car and is at Emily's door at 1:30.
"Fuck, Ash, you didn't need to come, I'm fine." Em lets Ashley in anyway.
It's been years since Ashley's been to Emily's since middle school, probably. It's so much emptier than it used to be. The girls used to hang out here, fed cheese and cracker plates by Em's nanny, bothered by her two older brothers. Now Emily's brothers have their own place, and her mom is perpetually away on business trips. Just Emily, all alone in their big house, no wonder she gets uneasy.
Not that Emily would admit it.
"You want anything?" Emily asks, leading to her kitchen. "to eat, or drink, after driving all this way for no reason?"
Ashley shakes her head.
"Hey, you wanna talk about it? You sounded pretty messed on the phone."
"I'm fine, Ash." Her voice is shaking.
"You don't look fine, Em."
"I'm fine, you shouldn't have come, I just woke up from a bad dream and I was fucked up and I called you and you shouldn't have." Her knees buckle, she sinks to the ground, backs up again the cabinets.
Ashley sits down next to her on the linoleum, in the neon-lit kitchen as it nears 2am. And they mellow in the silence together. Emily has her fists clenched in her lap, trying to pull her head back together. And Ashley watches, watches her try to keep her facade of well-ness intact.
"Have you been to therapy?" Ashley asks.
"No, I... I don't want that stuff, don't need it. Don't wanna talk about... what happened."
"It's good to talk Em. I know it's hard, but... it's good. It helps."
Emily scoffs. "Just because that kum-ba-yah bullshit works for you, don't mean it's everyone's cup of tea, okay?"
Ashley sighs. "You don't want to talk about it? Even with me?"
"No."
"Okay."
---
Ashley wakes up on Emily's kitchen floor. She's drooling on her own shoulder, and is broken from her sleep when Emily drops a spoon on the floor.
"Morning sleepyhead." Em hands her a bowl of cereal and sits down next her with her own. It's midday, and sunlight drifts in through the window.
"Thanks, by the way." Em says.
"What?"
"I mean, for driving her at one in the morning even though I didn't ask you to. I mean, after all the shit I've given you, thanks."
"Im mean, it's in the past, ya know? It's all in the past."
"Yeah."
---
Em calls Ash a week later, at a reasonable hour this time.
"I went to therapy." Emily tells her. "Like you said. You were right, I helps."
"That's good."
"Yeah. yeah."
---
They do talk sometimes, the five of them. But not a lot, it's too hard to talk. Sam tries to touch base with all of them, but Ash has barely talked to Mike or Jess since it happened. She hadn't spoken to Emily until her 1am call.
Emily calls Ashley at 8pm on a Friday.
"You should come over."
"For what?"
"I dunno. Movies, popcorn, high school bullshit, like the old days. You in?"
"Yeah, sure."
They're both over a year out of high school, but they fall into it easily, sitting down with over-buttered popcorn and too many pillows and half-assed comedies that are easy to make fun of. They fall asleep on Emily's fold out couch covered in blankets.
Ashley wakes up to Emily screaming. She's cornered herself in the arm of the couch, clutching a pillow to her chest, trembling.
"Em, Em, what's happening?!" Em opens her mouth, tries to speak, but words don't come out. Ashley just holds her until she stops shivering. Emily clings tight to Ashley's arm the whole time.
When her throat isn't locked up, she can finally speak. "Shit, sorry Ash," is the first thing she says, voice still unsteady.
"Does this happen a lot?" Emily nods.
Ashley waits until Emily falls asleep on her shoulder, before she lets herself drift back to sleep.
---
Ashley wakes up before Emily this time. She's afraid to move, Emily gently snoring into her chest. In the morning light, Emily looks so softer, the damage of her life not showing amidst peaceful sleep.
Emily doesn't wake up screaming. Instead she wakes up disoriented, eyelids uneven, a dribble of salvia down her chin. Ashley giggles.
"You sleep well?"
Emily rolls her eyes. "What d'you think?" Emily awkwardly untangles herself from Ashley's arms, shaking her head.
"I fucking hate this."
"Em-"
"It's like, fucked up shit happened to us, that's one thing. But it's like, why can't it let us move on. Why does it have to follow me everywhere ruining my life, until i find the right combo of chemicals to balance my fucking brain. We're so fucked up, Ash."
Ash can't say anything.
"So sorry I brought you down to my fucking crazy world last night. You don't fucking need that. I don't fucking need that, no one fucking needs that."
Ashley tries to take Emily's hand. Em pushes it away with a scoff.
The sit in silence, a stalemate. A moment passes, a foot between them on the couch.
Then Emily scoots over; gives up. She link her arm in Ashley's leaning into her. Em sighs as she rests her head on Emily's shoulder, and Ash smiles, warmth blooms in her chest.
This is nice.
---
Emily doesn't like to show weakness. Ash has known this since middle school when Em broke her arm and refused to have anyone visit her in the hospital.
Emily doesn't like to admit weakness. So "we should hang out" becomes code for "I'm struggling" and "You should stay the night" becomes code for "I need you."
It's been three months when the search crew pulls out of Mount Washington; quarantines the area. They never find Matt's body.
Ashley stays at Emily's for at least a week. It's masked in a ruse of "girls' nights", but they both are well aware of what it is. Emily drinks, Emily cries, sometimes she talks about Matt, but usually she doesn't. They marathon America's Next Top Model and Emily critizes the girls and they fall asleep together on the couch.
The alcohol helps. Ashley doesn't, it'll mess with her meds, but Emily cares less about the warnings on her pill bottles.
It does help. Emily doesn't wake in the middle of the night when she drinks. Sometimes she tosses and turns, Ashley notices, but she doesn't wake up and she doesn't remember it in the morning, which is what matters.
But on Thursday, she does wake up. Ashley first wakes up when Em starts thrashing and whimpering, like she has before. Ash waits for it to pass, as it normally does. But it doesn't. Her eyes shoot open, pupils darting around, frantic.
The first thing she does is reach out for Ashley.
Ashley holds Emily close, Emily clings to her shirt.
"Matt's one of them, isn't he?" Emily blurts out, hysteric. "That's why they didn't find him because he turned into one of those monsters and he's one of them because I let him die, Ash. I let him die."
Ash can't think of anything to say. She just lets Emily cry herself to sleep in her arms.
---
Ashley wakes up first. She untangles herself from Emily and goes to make breakfast. She's mid scrambling three eggs when Emily enters.
"Fuck, I look like shit." She says, examining her reflection in the microwave door. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are still puffy, cheeks dotted with crusted mascara. There's a split scabbing over on her bottom lip, from worrying it with her teeth all night.
But she's beautiful.
"My favorite? a woman after my heart." She says in reference to her breakfast. She wraps her arm around Ashley, hands resting on her stomach and her chin on Ashley's shoulder. Emily's cuddly in the morning, Ashley's learned. They rock from side to side, and Emily squeezes tighter, nuzzling into Ashley's neck. But Ashley turns her head. Their movement stops, and they're just looking at each other, And Ashley wants to, she really wants to.
But Emily does first. It's a brush of lips, enough to deny intent if rejected. Even though they both know it won't be.
So Ashley's confused when wetness stains her cheeks. She reaches up, to touch the tears, and realizes that her hand is shaking.
"Fuck, Ash, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, are you okay?"
"I don't know, I..." Her voice chokes up, her knees wobbling. Em helps Ashley lower to the ground, where Ash curls into her Emily's arms. Emily lets Ashley hold tight to her hand, running fingers through Ashley's hair with the other. They sit like this, wait for it to pass, until ashley isn't quaking anymore.
They forget until the start to smell burning.
"Fuck, the eggs are still on."
"Shit!"
---
"Has that happened before?" Emily asks later, when they're sitting on the couch, Project Runway playing on TV.
"Yeah." Ashley says. "Sometimes, when stuff reminds me, I just..." She imitates crumbling with her fingers.
"Okay."
"And I think that..." Her voice starts to crack.
"Ash, you don't have to."
"No, I..." She swallows. " I want to. I have to. And I think it was because last time I..." She raises a shaking finger to her lips, struggling to get that last words out. "The last time I kissed someone it was him and he died right in front of me and that's why--"
"Ash, stop!" Ashley's sobbing again, and tears are starting to well up in Emily's eyes as she pulls Ashley into her arms, her lap, as Ashley sobs into her shoulder.
"We don't have to talk about it, we don't have to think about it, we're supposed to forget about it, god Ash why are you so into talking about your feelings?!"
Ashley laughs, muffled by Ashley's shoulder. Emily just squeezes her tighter.
"I like you."
"I like you too."
The sit like this for a while, Ashley in Emily's lap, Emily's arms around her, Ashley's face buried in Emily's neck. Emily's thighs might go numb, but she doesn't mind.
When the time is right, Ashley pulls her face out of the crook of Emily's neck; their eyes meet.
"Can I try kissing you again? I'll try not to cry this time."
Emily answers her question with her lips.